Getting over attachment for long-term friend
July 20, 2016 5:30 AM
How do I get over an unrequited love and move on emotionally/mentally?
I have a long-term friend (8 years) that I've unrequited feelings for pretty much from the beginning (me: female; him: male, both mid-30's).
I know it sounds like a cliche, but we do have a special friendship connection and history which is why I'd find it hard to completely cut him from my life. However, we do live around the world from one another so it's not like I see him regularly. (though we had been having skype chat sessions once monthly-ish). So there has been some separation (several years; we used to live near each other) but psychologically I just can't seem to get completely over him; I will set super high expectations and get super let down by his actions; I think about him and compare him to people I date. What's worse is that I don't feel like anyone understands me better or can cheer me up as well. Whenever we talk, it lasts for hours. In many ways, he's the best friend I've ever had.(we've never been physically intimate)
I know that I am idealizing him, but it seems no matter what I do I can't completely detach myself.
It seems like the options are:
1. Cut myself off completely with no explanation
2. Write an email to explain why I need to stop talking to him, at least for now.
3. Talk to him on skype about same as 2.
4. Gradually disengage, no more skype calls (do I have the willpower?)
I am leaning towards 4, but I've tried in the past and it hasn't worked. Recently I saw him in person again (on business trip) and I feel the attachment so strong and left so disappointed that we aren't together romantically. Any ideas?
How do I get rid of this? I don't want to cut him off completely because of our history and potential for what we can give each other, but it is so painful at times. I have been dating others but am currently not in a relationship.
If anyone has dealt with something similar, hopefully with a long-term friend, I'd appreciate ideas.
I am in therapy and have/plan to talk to my therapist about this.
I have a long-term friend (8 years) that I've unrequited feelings for pretty much from the beginning (me: female; him: male, both mid-30's).
I know it sounds like a cliche, but we do have a special friendship connection and history which is why I'd find it hard to completely cut him from my life. However, we do live around the world from one another so it's not like I see him regularly. (though we had been having skype chat sessions once monthly-ish). So there has been some separation (several years; we used to live near each other) but psychologically I just can't seem to get completely over him; I will set super high expectations and get super let down by his actions; I think about him and compare him to people I date. What's worse is that I don't feel like anyone understands me better or can cheer me up as well. Whenever we talk, it lasts for hours. In many ways, he's the best friend I've ever had.(we've never been physically intimate)
I know that I am idealizing him, but it seems no matter what I do I can't completely detach myself.
It seems like the options are:
1. Cut myself off completely with no explanation
2. Write an email to explain why I need to stop talking to him, at least for now.
3. Talk to him on skype about same as 2.
4. Gradually disengage, no more skype calls (do I have the willpower?)
I am leaning towards 4, but I've tried in the past and it hasn't worked. Recently I saw him in person again (on business trip) and I feel the attachment so strong and left so disappointed that we aren't together romantically. Any ideas?
How do I get rid of this? I don't want to cut him off completely because of our history and potential for what we can give each other, but it is so painful at times. I have been dating others but am currently not in a relationship.
If anyone has dealt with something similar, hopefully with a long-term friend, I'd appreciate ideas.
I am in therapy and have/plan to talk to my therapist about this.
You don't say whether or not you have declared your romantic feelings to this person or not, and what his reaction was to that. Adding that information will result in much more relevant responses for you. I know this is anonymous - perhaps a moderator will add that for you.
posted by headnsouth at 5:38 AM on July 20, 2016
posted by headnsouth at 5:38 AM on July 20, 2016
I have a similar situation - someone I've known for half my life, who is indescribably important to me, and with whom I cannot have a romantic relationship (we tried, there are good reasons this does not work). For me, having zero contact with this person is not something I am okay with. Our connection is long-standing and strong. What I've settled on is focusing on how we can both be happy -- which I know is not with one another -- and how I can love him by supporting his efforts to make his life work for him.
Is it perfect? No. Does it hurt sometimes? Yes. But that's adulthood, I think. I love this person and his happiness is very important to me, and my happiness and mental health is also very important to ME. Would I get on a plane for him no questions asked? Absolutely. But we both have to focus on making our lives work and making ourselves happy while maintaining a relationship that we can both participate in without being unduly hurt.
I don't know if that makes sense or not, but it's worked for the last little while. We are both happy and in other relationships, but still very close.
posted by Medieval Maven at 6:14 AM on July 20, 2016
Is it perfect? No. Does it hurt sometimes? Yes. But that's adulthood, I think. I love this person and his happiness is very important to me, and my happiness and mental health is also very important to ME. Would I get on a plane for him no questions asked? Absolutely. But we both have to focus on making our lives work and making ourselves happy while maintaining a relationship that we can both participate in without being unduly hurt.
I don't know if that makes sense or not, but it's worked for the last little while. We are both happy and in other relationships, but still very close.
posted by Medieval Maven at 6:14 AM on July 20, 2016
You sound limerent --
Cessation of Limerence
"Limerence for a particular LO [limerent object -- that is, this bloke you are Skyping with] does cease under one of the following conditions: consummation -- in which the bliss of reciprocation is either blended into a lasting love or replaced by less positive feelings; starvation -- in which even limerent sensitivity to signs of hope is useless against the onslaught of evidence that LO does not return the limerence; transformation -- in which limerence is transferred to a new LO.''
You can, of course, try to simply relax and enjoy it for what it is, a crush.
I have known and dated intelligent white-collar men whose outward appearance was pleasant and projected professionalism and who were: prone to trimming their nails in public (not an occasional tic; they had clippers on their key ring at the read); grossed out by their own semen; prone to terrible road rage (even in the face of clear evidence that they were terrible drivers themselves and at fault); wielded -- it is hard to not sound cruel here, but -- penises so small they could not be noticed, and who did nothing to compensate for this in any other fashion; perpetual sharters (always resistant to trying a fibre supplement, dietary change, discussion with physician, etc); had tantrums/seemingly endless sulks at home over the most trivial things; obsessively watched "Friends"; came home with stories about having gone out for lunch while having receipts for gay bathhouses in their pocket; developed and hid remarkably extensive substance abuse problems; had an extensive, unhidden weed addiction but complete disdain for people who drank socially; believed in a number of conspiracy theories and read web sites you would think would not draw an audience with an education that went past grade six; cried about not being able to purchase gifts while racking up tens of thousands in debt from getting loaded in pubs nightly; subscribed to the New Yorker and Economist to have a coffee table decoration and couldn't discuss a single article with you, ever; lived with their healthy, when-are-you-moving-out-already parents until quite far along in adulthood; a devastating, inpatient treatment needed semi-regularly degree of mental illness; etc, etc, etc
When I end up limerent about somebody -- though I admit I have not suffered through eight years of it -- I review my mental list of Problems With Various Men, remind myself that the fellow in question that I am crushing out on would not be all that and a bag of chips if I was living with him; he would just be yet another sort to leave his whiskers all over the sink and not put the toilet seat down. He would be quite maddeningly human. I would waste a good amount of time only to discover deeply unpleasant personal habits, and then have to sort out if my own habits were compatible with his and... Meanwhile, isn't it his turn to do the laundry? FFS, has he ever swept up anything in his entire life?
So often these people are best enjoyed as late-night fantasy fodder and no more. I see no reason why you can't fuck this guy in your head, enjoy periodic, perhaps flirty, Skype sessions, and just take the good (he sounds like a great friend and a nice safe person to crush out on and fantasize about), and ignore the bad/fantasy aspects (oh, if only! "O let us be married! too long we have tarried...They danced by the light of the moon" -- when you find your mind drifting in that direction, consider sharting episodes brought on by poor diet, a hidden gay bathhouse/cocaine/etc problem, terrible sex, etc -- these sorts of things are there; you just don't know what they are yet).
It would be cruel to cut him off -- after a friendship of eight years there is no excuse for #1 as an option. Have you simply told him that you have a crush? That way you could give an honest answer/make an honest and kind request if you hit a point where it is too much and you wish to skip a few Skype sessions.
Keep in mind that the pain over the unrequited longing might easily worsen if you go no-contact -- odds are it will die down with time but having/not having contact might not speed or slow the process; no contact might just make him that much more splendid in your mind. It is also quite possible that you will meet somebody lovely and available next week, and this guy will be extremely useful as a sort of relationship coach, knowing you as well as he does.
posted by kmennie at 6:28 AM on July 20, 2016
Cessation of Limerence
"Limerence for a particular LO [limerent object -- that is, this bloke you are Skyping with] does cease under one of the following conditions: consummation -- in which the bliss of reciprocation is either blended into a lasting love or replaced by less positive feelings; starvation -- in which even limerent sensitivity to signs of hope is useless against the onslaught of evidence that LO does not return the limerence; transformation -- in which limerence is transferred to a new LO.''
You can, of course, try to simply relax and enjoy it for what it is, a crush.
I have known and dated intelligent white-collar men whose outward appearance was pleasant and projected professionalism and who were: prone to trimming their nails in public (not an occasional tic; they had clippers on their key ring at the read); grossed out by their own semen; prone to terrible road rage (even in the face of clear evidence that they were terrible drivers themselves and at fault); wielded -- it is hard to not sound cruel here, but -- penises so small they could not be noticed, and who did nothing to compensate for this in any other fashion; perpetual sharters (always resistant to trying a fibre supplement, dietary change, discussion with physician, etc); had tantrums/seemingly endless sulks at home over the most trivial things; obsessively watched "Friends"; came home with stories about having gone out for lunch while having receipts for gay bathhouses in their pocket; developed and hid remarkably extensive substance abuse problems; had an extensive, unhidden weed addiction but complete disdain for people who drank socially; believed in a number of conspiracy theories and read web sites you would think would not draw an audience with an education that went past grade six; cried about not being able to purchase gifts while racking up tens of thousands in debt from getting loaded in pubs nightly; subscribed to the New Yorker and Economist to have a coffee table decoration and couldn't discuss a single article with you, ever; lived with their healthy, when-are-you-moving-out-already parents until quite far along in adulthood; a devastating, inpatient treatment needed semi-regularly degree of mental illness; etc, etc, etc
When I end up limerent about somebody -- though I admit I have not suffered through eight years of it -- I review my mental list of Problems With Various Men, remind myself that the fellow in question that I am crushing out on would not be all that and a bag of chips if I was living with him; he would just be yet another sort to leave his whiskers all over the sink and not put the toilet seat down. He would be quite maddeningly human. I would waste a good amount of time only to discover deeply unpleasant personal habits, and then have to sort out if my own habits were compatible with his and... Meanwhile, isn't it his turn to do the laundry? FFS, has he ever swept up anything in his entire life?
So often these people are best enjoyed as late-night fantasy fodder and no more. I see no reason why you can't fuck this guy in your head, enjoy periodic, perhaps flirty, Skype sessions, and just take the good (he sounds like a great friend and a nice safe person to crush out on and fantasize about), and ignore the bad/fantasy aspects (oh, if only! "O let us be married! too long we have tarried...They danced by the light of the moon" -- when you find your mind drifting in that direction, consider sharting episodes brought on by poor diet, a hidden gay bathhouse/cocaine/etc problem, terrible sex, etc -- these sorts of things are there; you just don't know what they are yet).
It would be cruel to cut him off -- after a friendship of eight years there is no excuse for #1 as an option. Have you simply told him that you have a crush? That way you could give an honest answer/make an honest and kind request if you hit a point where it is too much and you wish to skip a few Skype sessions.
Keep in mind that the pain over the unrequited longing might easily worsen if you go no-contact -- odds are it will die down with time but having/not having contact might not speed or slow the process; no contact might just make him that much more splendid in your mind. It is also quite possible that you will meet somebody lovely and available next week, and this guy will be extremely useful as a sort of relationship coach, knowing you as well as he does.
posted by kmennie at 6:28 AM on July 20, 2016
Since it is so painful for you to connect with him but not get what you want, I think option 1 is the best track here. It's the hardest but it will help you realize life without him. In your mind you think it will be awful (and maybe at first it will be) but eventually it won't. You'll move on and find other people to lean on and connect with. Not in the same way, but the way you have right now isn't healthy or balanced. A clean break is good, especially since you mention you're not sure if you have willpower.
As far as your other options, here is why I don't think those will work - option 2 and 3 open up a can of worms and hurt which you may have already done, just not to this degree. If you feel you haven't had this talk about why you two are not together then by all means go for it, but I get the feeling from the word "unrequited" that you already know he isn't interested in more.
Option 4 you know has tried and failed, but maybe give this one more go but go even further - delete skype from all your devices, make yourself unavailable, throw yourself into activities and commitments in life that make it difficult to spend any time wanting to communicate with this person. Good luck to you - I've been there, done that. This person is long gone now and I'm doing just fine :)
posted by cristinacristinacristina at 6:32 AM on July 20, 2016
As far as your other options, here is why I don't think those will work - option 2 and 3 open up a can of worms and hurt which you may have already done, just not to this degree. If you feel you haven't had this talk about why you two are not together then by all means go for it, but I get the feeling from the word "unrequited" that you already know he isn't interested in more.
Option 4 you know has tried and failed, but maybe give this one more go but go even further - delete skype from all your devices, make yourself unavailable, throw yourself into activities and commitments in life that make it difficult to spend any time wanting to communicate with this person. Good luck to you - I've been there, done that. This person is long gone now and I'm doing just fine :)
posted by cristinacristinacristina at 6:32 AM on July 20, 2016
[This is a followup from the asker.]
The feelings between my friend and I are unrequited, meaning that I told him how I felt several years ago and he said he didn't feel the same. Also, we live all the way around the world from one another.posted by cortex at 8:46 AM on July 20, 2016
It's more difficult for me because while he puts effort into the friendship, I put in more, and I am more invested- always. I'm trying to stop that because it leads me to being constantly disappointed, hence the question.
You talk about "the potential for what we can give each other" but i mean, this is it. This misery you're in and his obliviousness/confusion (which i'm sure he feels if you keep him on a pedestal and get annoyed when he falls off) are what you can and do give one another. I'm sort of amazed because you're my age and this is a crush (i've been in HEAVY CRUSH territory in three situations, all in my late teens/early 20's, the third i ultimately married because he was crushing back). You have a crush on your IDEA of your friend. The wonderful loving partner you imagine he could be - he can't, he doesn't fancy you.
So i agree with you disengaging, because i think, given how long you've known him, unless you lose touch this is probably going to continue. Maybe he even likes it? A crush is flattering, especially a safe one you know well and have already rebuffed. I would go with #4. Don't make him a part of the disengagement, it's nothing to do with him really. Also i would disengage to the point that you can cope. If the Skype calls make you moony and longing for days then no more Skype calls. If what he tells you in emails sets you off then minimise those. Don't just stop Skyping dead, next time he suggests a call/calls just say "bit busy, maybe another time! Sorry" - be vague. Does he normally want to Skype? Or is it you? I get the sense that if you are unavailable to Skype for a while he will vanish anyway?
How do you stop idealising him? Tell yourself the truth. Are your "super high expectations" REALLY super high? Or just too high for him to meet? The guys i idealised i held to super high standards too, like "don't cheat on your SO even if it's never going to be me" and "don't let female friends walk home alone at 4am because you don't want your roommates to "think you'd hit that"". They were not high standards, OR good guys. I mean i was ready to marry these chumps! Think about the actions that let you down. THAT is the real him. Dwell on those aspects for a change. Be honest with yourself about who he is. Don't let yourself list excuses for him. Instead of thinking about all the times he's understood you or listened to you, give equal weight to the times he's annoyed you, ignored you, hurt your feelings or done something you think people shouldn't do. Read the emotional labour stuff and figure out how much work you are putting in compared to him. Enjoy all the extra energy from not doing so any more.
Get out and meet A LOT more people. There will be other people out there who understand you and who can help you better understand yourself. Find some FUN! Best of luck.
posted by intergalacticvelvet at 11:03 AM on July 20, 2016
So i agree with you disengaging, because i think, given how long you've known him, unless you lose touch this is probably going to continue. Maybe he even likes it? A crush is flattering, especially a safe one you know well and have already rebuffed. I would go with #4. Don't make him a part of the disengagement, it's nothing to do with him really. Also i would disengage to the point that you can cope. If the Skype calls make you moony and longing for days then no more Skype calls. If what he tells you in emails sets you off then minimise those. Don't just stop Skyping dead, next time he suggests a call/calls just say "bit busy, maybe another time! Sorry" - be vague. Does he normally want to Skype? Or is it you? I get the sense that if you are unavailable to Skype for a while he will vanish anyway?
How do you stop idealising him? Tell yourself the truth. Are your "super high expectations" REALLY super high? Or just too high for him to meet? The guys i idealised i held to super high standards too, like "don't cheat on your SO even if it's never going to be me" and "don't let female friends walk home alone at 4am because you don't want your roommates to "think you'd hit that"". They were not high standards, OR good guys. I mean i was ready to marry these chumps! Think about the actions that let you down. THAT is the real him. Dwell on those aspects for a change. Be honest with yourself about who he is. Don't let yourself list excuses for him. Instead of thinking about all the times he's understood you or listened to you, give equal weight to the times he's annoyed you, ignored you, hurt your feelings or done something you think people shouldn't do. Read the emotional labour stuff and figure out how much work you are putting in compared to him. Enjoy all the extra energy from not doing so any more.
Get out and meet A LOT more people. There will be other people out there who understand you and who can help you better understand yourself. Find some FUN! Best of luck.
posted by intergalacticvelvet at 11:03 AM on July 20, 2016
I think for your mental health that you need to disengage. I have found that going cold turkey works best for me. It is not easy, but is the only thing that has ever worked for me. I was friends and then romantic partners with someone I loved dearly. Even as the relationship ended, I didn't want to let go. I didn't get over him until we went completely no contact. I have done that with every ex since and it has served me well. It's very painful at first, but maintaining contact hurt me much more. I'd enjoy a nice chat on the phone or a get together, but as soon as he left, I would feel horrifically sad again.
The general level of my friend's kindness and compassion would dictate how I ended communication. If he's a kind person and you simply cut him off without saying anything, he could be very hurt. (I've had friends do this to me and it's bewildering and upsetting.) I would in that case write him an email explaining the situation. If he isn't that great of a friend or a kind person, then simply severing the ties without saying anything is how I would go.
Your separation doesn't have to be forever. In your mind (don't tell him), you can plan to re-evaluate the situation in 6 months or a year. For me, after a period of time, I have never wanted to re-open the friendship.
posted by parakeetdog at 11:40 AM on July 20, 2016
The general level of my friend's kindness and compassion would dictate how I ended communication. If he's a kind person and you simply cut him off without saying anything, he could be very hurt. (I've had friends do this to me and it's bewildering and upsetting.) I would in that case write him an email explaining the situation. If he isn't that great of a friend or a kind person, then simply severing the ties without saying anything is how I would go.
Your separation doesn't have to be forever. In your mind (don't tell him), you can plan to re-evaluate the situation in 6 months or a year. For me, after a period of time, I have never wanted to re-open the friendship.
posted by parakeetdog at 11:40 AM on July 20, 2016
Anon, you have my sympathy. I'm in the middle of a version of option 4, and while it's not easy, it does get easier over time.
My crush-guy and I are also long-distance, although I visit his city at least once a year. We have mutual friends, and there's an excellent chance we'll run into each other whenever I'm in town, so I don't want to cut things off entirely. Plus, despite the fact that he led me on for a while, he's a decent person in many ways -- I'd rather have a casual friendship than cut him off. But it hurt to see certain things pop up on social media (especially about his current relationship). Every time I'd get hurt, I'd quietly unfollow him on another platform. I also stopped initiating contact. He still texts me now and then, but it doesn't hurt nearly as much anymore. If he notices my ghosting, he's welcome to ask about it and I'll tell him the truth; otherwise that can of worms is staying closed.
Another thing that helped was discussing the situation in therapy and going through something called a container exercise with my therapist. You can google it for more info, but basically it involves visualizing a container of some sort into which you pile all the crap related to a specific issue. You then close the container and mentally stash it as nearby or far away as you need to. All this guy's nonsense and my romantic feelings are in an imaginary leather suitcase in my closet, but since I don't want to cut him off completely, my therapist had me take the friendship aspect of our connection back out. Maybe it sounds silly, but I was honestly surprised by how much it helped last time I heard from him. (Also, this guy is tall as hell, so I get to giggle to myself about how cramped it is in there for him.)
posted by QuickedWeen at 11:40 AM on July 20, 2016
My crush-guy and I are also long-distance, although I visit his city at least once a year. We have mutual friends, and there's an excellent chance we'll run into each other whenever I'm in town, so I don't want to cut things off entirely. Plus, despite the fact that he led me on for a while, he's a decent person in many ways -- I'd rather have a casual friendship than cut him off. But it hurt to see certain things pop up on social media (especially about his current relationship). Every time I'd get hurt, I'd quietly unfollow him on another platform. I also stopped initiating contact. He still texts me now and then, but it doesn't hurt nearly as much anymore. If he notices my ghosting, he's welcome to ask about it and I'll tell him the truth; otherwise that can of worms is staying closed.
Another thing that helped was discussing the situation in therapy and going through something called a container exercise with my therapist. You can google it for more info, but basically it involves visualizing a container of some sort into which you pile all the crap related to a specific issue. You then close the container and mentally stash it as nearby or far away as you need to. All this guy's nonsense and my romantic feelings are in an imaginary leather suitcase in my closet, but since I don't want to cut him off completely, my therapist had me take the friendship aspect of our connection back out. Maybe it sounds silly, but I was honestly surprised by how much it helped last time I heard from him. (Also, this guy is tall as hell, so I get to giggle to myself about how cramped it is in there for him.)
posted by QuickedWeen at 11:40 AM on July 20, 2016
You *do* have a deep and abiding relationship with this guy. A friendship.
I wanted so desperately to fuck Tina -- and she so desperately wanted to fuck me -- but she had some things to look at, needed to look squarely at this/that/the other. She did the looking that needed doing, and in that interim period we got over our need to fuck one another and because we did so, here we are, 30 years later, still best of friends. We've walked each other through many breakups; she is my go-to for any letter I'm sending when breaking up with someone, she slaps me around for any ego hooks that I've left in the letter -- any letter that gets past her is clean. She's in Tucson just now, I'm in ATX, I was sprawled out on a bench gazing at that beautiful full moon while taking a break from the bike ride last night, I called her and we talked it all out, this, that, the other.
Tina is gold.
Had we gotten into each others drawers we'd not have spoken in 29 1/2 years. It's almost certain. We know each other so well now, we're like an old married couple except we don't hate each other, because we're not living together, with all of our rough edges wearing away on each other.
Alison is another friend that I surely did want to get together with -- like Tina, another beauty, also like Tina a lot of fun -- but in the decades I've known her I've come to see her as a better-dealer, always looking to trade up for some guy with some status or other, generally really, really smart, highly educated men who treat her like dogshit on their shoe while she stands there patiently wondering why these shitbirds are treating her so poorly. (Reason: they're shitbirds.) Meanwhile, she's got this really huge, warm heart for her friends, and we're damn good friends -- I could tell her everything I've written here, in fact I *have* told her every thing I've written here, and she thinks not, but it doesn't matter; I've got this good friend, 25+ years, and we've got each others back. We've walked each other through many breakups; Alison is my other go-to for any letter I'm sending when breaking up with someone, she slaps me around for any ego hooks that I've left in the letter -- any letter that gets past her is clean.
Alison is gold.
What's wrong with having a friend who knows you inside / outside? He's told you it's not in the cards for you to be together how you'd wanted, just let go of that, like plunging into a cold lake. Then call your friend and ask if he's seen that one movie you'd both wondered about, and wtf is he doing hanging out with this one gal who is treating him wrong, etc and etc, and he can tell you the same.
You've got a good friendship, of years standing. Don't toss it. Jump into the cold water of reality, splash around making "Ah fuck! Ah fuck! This is cold, cold water! Ah! Ah!" sounds and then get out of that cold water, shake off your denial, and notice how lucky you are to have this friend in your life.
Friendships are gold.
posted by dancestoblue at 12:20 PM on July 20, 2016
I wanted so desperately to fuck Tina -- and she so desperately wanted to fuck me -- but she had some things to look at, needed to look squarely at this/that/the other. She did the looking that needed doing, and in that interim period we got over our need to fuck one another and because we did so, here we are, 30 years later, still best of friends. We've walked each other through many breakups; she is my go-to for any letter I'm sending when breaking up with someone, she slaps me around for any ego hooks that I've left in the letter -- any letter that gets past her is clean. She's in Tucson just now, I'm in ATX, I was sprawled out on a bench gazing at that beautiful full moon while taking a break from the bike ride last night, I called her and we talked it all out, this, that, the other.
Tina is gold.
Had we gotten into each others drawers we'd not have spoken in 29 1/2 years. It's almost certain. We know each other so well now, we're like an old married couple except we don't hate each other, because we're not living together, with all of our rough edges wearing away on each other.
Alison is another friend that I surely did want to get together with -- like Tina, another beauty, also like Tina a lot of fun -- but in the decades I've known her I've come to see her as a better-dealer, always looking to trade up for some guy with some status or other, generally really, really smart, highly educated men who treat her like dogshit on their shoe while she stands there patiently wondering why these shitbirds are treating her so poorly. (Reason: they're shitbirds.) Meanwhile, she's got this really huge, warm heart for her friends, and we're damn good friends -- I could tell her everything I've written here, in fact I *have* told her every thing I've written here, and she thinks not, but it doesn't matter; I've got this good friend, 25+ years, and we've got each others back. We've walked each other through many breakups; Alison is my other go-to for any letter I'm sending when breaking up with someone, she slaps me around for any ego hooks that I've left in the letter -- any letter that gets past her is clean.
Alison is gold.
What's wrong with having a friend who knows you inside / outside? He's told you it's not in the cards for you to be together how you'd wanted, just let go of that, like plunging into a cold lake. Then call your friend and ask if he's seen that one movie you'd both wondered about, and wtf is he doing hanging out with this one gal who is treating him wrong, etc and etc, and he can tell you the same.
You've got a good friendship, of years standing. Don't toss it. Jump into the cold water of reality, splash around making "Ah fuck! Ah fuck! This is cold, cold water! Ah! Ah!" sounds and then get out of that cold water, shake off your denial, and notice how lucky you are to have this friend in your life.
Friendships are gold.
posted by dancestoblue at 12:20 PM on July 20, 2016
I went through this somewhat recently, except we had a pretty spectacular several year long relationship that ended after taking a shot at long distance. But I can relate to the idealization and being let down by your own (one sided) expectations for sure. I initially cut off contact completely, but we ended up talking/skyping/seeing each other occasionally for several years after breaking up.
I realized I was caught in this cycle of: we should be friends -> would be great to talk/hang out-> that was fun it was nice to see her -> oh god all the feels why am I still such a mess it's been x years... etc.
It was extremely hard to do because I felt like there were parts of our relationship worth preserving as friends, and we had such a long history together, but I couldn't do it or escape the mental cycle of what-could-have-been-maybe-one-day. I cut off all contact again (after sending her an email explaining how I felt and that it was about me not her) and have felt a lot better since then. I've always kind of rolled my eyes when people talk about "closure" but it did give me a sense of finality that I needed.
Do what's best for you.
posted by bradbane at 1:07 PM on July 20, 2016
I realized I was caught in this cycle of: we should be friends -> would be great to talk/hang out-> that was fun it was nice to see her -> oh god all the feels why am I still such a mess it's been x years... etc.
It was extremely hard to do because I felt like there were parts of our relationship worth preserving as friends, and we had such a long history together, but I couldn't do it or escape the mental cycle of what-could-have-been-maybe-one-day. I cut off all contact again (after sending her an email explaining how I felt and that it was about me not her) and have felt a lot better since then. I've always kind of rolled my eyes when people talk about "closure" but it did give me a sense of finality that I needed.
Do what's best for you.
posted by bradbane at 1:07 PM on July 20, 2016
I gradually disengaged from a years-long friend I'd gradually developed feelings for.. when I confessed my feelings (which were also mixed and contaminated with the sadness and disorientation emerging from a breakup at the time), they made it clear that while they loved me as a friend, my romantic longings were not mutual.
Disengaging wasn't easy, and I sometimes regretted the choice, but it was what I needed to do for my mental and emotional health. Looking back, I now feel that I made the right decision. Some people can maintain a friendship despite unrequited (and revealed) romantic feelings. I'm not that kind of person and it sounds like you're not that kind of person either.
posted by Gray Skies at 1:41 PM on July 20, 2016
Disengaging wasn't easy, and I sometimes regretted the choice, but it was what I needed to do for my mental and emotional health. Looking back, I now feel that I made the right decision. Some people can maintain a friendship despite unrequited (and revealed) romantic feelings. I'm not that kind of person and it sounds like you're not that kind of person either.
posted by Gray Skies at 1:41 PM on July 20, 2016
It's hard. Can you detach for just a while? You don't have to explain why, you can say you're going to be busy and won't be able to Skype/email/anything else for a while, but you'll be back in touch when you can.
Whether or not you do that, consider working with a therapist on how to seek out and build relationships that will give you more of what you want. And look for genuinely platonic relationships where you can feel supported and loved without the unrequited angst.
Good luck.
posted by bunderful at 4:06 PM on July 20, 2016
Whether or not you do that, consider working with a therapist on how to seek out and build relationships that will give you more of what you want. And look for genuinely platonic relationships where you can feel supported and loved without the unrequited angst.
Good luck.
posted by bunderful at 4:06 PM on July 20, 2016
Hey. I was exactly here, once, complete with the long distance complicating things. In my case, the feelings weren't unrequited exactly. When I confessed, which was pretty much as soon as I realized my feelings had changed, I figured I wasn't his type and said as much. He told me I was wrong. He reassured me he could totally see me that way too, in time, and that he didn't want to lose me. He said he wanted to try and see and wait. On the eve of attempting a real relationship, he went to Craiglist to look for 'friends' of the female variety and 'accidentally' fell for someone in my absence, professing to love her in two weeks (but not telling me until he'd already been with her, etc). We'd been friends for two years by that time. It was the worst, and I had a hard time disengaging because any time I pulled back, he kept wanting me to stick around and stuff because we had such a 'special and deep friendship and connection,' and it was ugh. I felt stuck, too because I had promised I'd always be there for him-- as long as he never intentionally did things to hurt me.
Finally, he did something pretty crappy (sharing our correspondence which I sent in confidence, and throwing me under the bus repeatedly) which was the straw that broke the camel's back, for me, and pushed him so far out of my heart that I was able to just walk away. I realized then he'd never really taken my side, and in the end, he'd sacrificed me to save his own skin, and it really really sucked. It helped I met somebody else, too, but what he did to me really pushed me far away and into the arms of another. It was a bad way of coping, but it did help me get over it pretty fast.
He felt like a drug. And the more I stayed in contact, the harder it was. The more I invested more energy than him-- sending him gifts and notes etc, the more I addicted I got to his small offerings of praise or comfort in return. The more few and far between they were, the more I got addicted to his intermittent rewards. They say the surest way to fall in love with somebody is to do things for them, and I think this was happening with me.
When he first met someone else, I was hurt but after a few weeks my feelings faded because he went into 'taken' territory. I thought I was over it, and in a large way I was. It was super platonic when we interacted, and I was almost mad at him for promising to wait and reneging. It was fine. But when we found ourselves alone at times, we'd talk and it was obvious we had some kind of deep camaraderie and connection. Even to others observing us, they said we acted like a couple. They said he especially acted like someone was giving signals he liked me. This of course made it really really difficult. In the end, I think he liked me liking him, and he didn't want to lose that. That made him subconsciously give me false hope. I'm not sure if he was doing it intentionally, but it was happening, and as I said, other people noticed too. If its the same for you, this makes it all the more addicting.
You just have to disengage for your own sanity. You know you have to cut him off because otherwise you wouldn't be posting here. Secretly, you want us to tell you that you can have your cake and eat it too-- be friends with him and yet somehow get over him at the same time. But you can't. If you haven't been able to do it before now, you definitely won't be able to do it eight years on. And I think the distance makes it worse, too, makes you more apt to idealize him. Understand that the more you interact with him, the harder its going to be to disengage later on, though. The more entrenched you become. The more years you waste with him taking up your head-space, the less head-space available to think about someone else. You get tunnel vision: That feeling of, 'he gets me, how can anyone else get me on that level'? It lies to you. Its already clouding your judgment about guys. See, I also compared my guy to other dudes I met, and they fell short. It was really demoralizing-- it made me lose hope with dating. I also thought our interactions were 'special', that no one could cheer me up as he did. And maybe they were kinda special. We were good friends and we did click. But I was wrong about nobody comparing. For one thing, I had a small sample size, and for another I was totally putting him on a pedestal. One night, soon after we 'broke up', I met this dude on the beach that was just as cute and just as smart, except he was also kind and treated me like I was beautiful and awesome and wanted in my pants. It gave me a real insight on how someone should interact with me and look at me and talk to me, and it was a bit of a wakeup call that maybe the guy I liked wasn't as perfect as I made him out to be. This was a guy I had interacted with previously, and who I'd overlooked in favor of my friend, originally. If he hadn't of pushed me away, I'd have still been pining for him.
I know its hard, and it sucks, and I'm sorry he doesn't love you. Unrequited love hurts and it sucks. I wish I had better advice for you to make it easier, but it won't be easy to disengage. But you really need to.
You can either do 2, or 4. If you do 2, make it a simple drama free message simply stating the facts, short and sweet. Don't make it manipulative or dramatic, don't make your leaving sound negotiable, don't go on and on about loving him (learn from my mistakes) nor make it as if he should reply. It shouldn't be open-ended. Ultimately its a lot easier and drama free to do 4, but a fade out can be super hurtful after a long friendship like this. I'm not sure which would be better for your situation.
Then, you need to deconstruct the image that this guy is perfect, because he isn't. In my case? I could tell even then my friend had some glaring personality flaws I'd gloss over because I liked him so much. Truly, he often drove me crazy, was flaky, superficial, pompous etc. Focus on these. You're focusing on his good points. Don't.
Then, you need to get out there and try to force your heart to open to the idea of someone else. Just the idea. I know you'll be resistant to it, but just meet people, and get to know them. You don't have to like them or even be attracted to them at first, and you probably won't be-- your loyalty will be to this guy for a while. Forget that. Just keep dating around, keep pushing past the initial discomfort, try giving people a decent chance before you write them off as 'not as good as my bestie,' ok?
Then you need to focus on this, and take it day by day. Just get through the day without contacting him. Then the next day, do it again. Block him if you need to. Get really really busy. The idea is to distract yourself from the inevitable intrusive thoughts that might make you reach out. I'm not going to lie: It will be really really tough, and you just have to try to get through the day. Don't look at his social media, it will just make it worse.
Lastly, really work on yourself. I was partly looking for love with this dude because I felt like he was a catch and I wasn't. But I was wrong about that, too. So I worked on the parts of me that gave me insecurity-- I tried to be the best me I could be. I worked out more, learned more. I tried to make myself the person I wished to date. The confidence boosts really helped my self esteem and it helped me attract a lot of attention from men, too.
And its ok to feel really really sad. Its like you're mourning the end of not just a friendship, but secret hopes of a future relationship. It sucks. Its going to hurt. But it'll be ok. And perhaps one day when you're totally over him you will maybe reconnect again. But until then, don't interact.
Lastly, disengaging is best for him, too. You're not really being a true friend deep down if secretly you're hoping for something more, you know? And on the flip side, someone truly perfect for you wouldn't make you put in more effort than they give. Someone right for you will love you on the same level you love them. This guy isn't it. I'm sorry.
I really hope this helps somewhat.
posted by Dimes at 2:06 PM on July 21, 2016
Finally, he did something pretty crappy (sharing our correspondence which I sent in confidence, and throwing me under the bus repeatedly) which was the straw that broke the camel's back, for me, and pushed him so far out of my heart that I was able to just walk away. I realized then he'd never really taken my side, and in the end, he'd sacrificed me to save his own skin, and it really really sucked. It helped I met somebody else, too, but what he did to me really pushed me far away and into the arms of another. It was a bad way of coping, but it did help me get over it pretty fast.
He felt like a drug. And the more I stayed in contact, the harder it was. The more I invested more energy than him-- sending him gifts and notes etc, the more I addicted I got to his small offerings of praise or comfort in return. The more few and far between they were, the more I got addicted to his intermittent rewards. They say the surest way to fall in love with somebody is to do things for them, and I think this was happening with me.
When he first met someone else, I was hurt but after a few weeks my feelings faded because he went into 'taken' territory. I thought I was over it, and in a large way I was. It was super platonic when we interacted, and I was almost mad at him for promising to wait and reneging. It was fine. But when we found ourselves alone at times, we'd talk and it was obvious we had some kind of deep camaraderie and connection. Even to others observing us, they said we acted like a couple. They said he especially acted like someone was giving signals he liked me. This of course made it really really difficult. In the end, I think he liked me liking him, and he didn't want to lose that. That made him subconsciously give me false hope. I'm not sure if he was doing it intentionally, but it was happening, and as I said, other people noticed too. If its the same for you, this makes it all the more addicting.
You just have to disengage for your own sanity. You know you have to cut him off because otherwise you wouldn't be posting here. Secretly, you want us to tell you that you can have your cake and eat it too-- be friends with him and yet somehow get over him at the same time. But you can't. If you haven't been able to do it before now, you definitely won't be able to do it eight years on. And I think the distance makes it worse, too, makes you more apt to idealize him. Understand that the more you interact with him, the harder its going to be to disengage later on, though. The more entrenched you become. The more years you waste with him taking up your head-space, the less head-space available to think about someone else. You get tunnel vision: That feeling of, 'he gets me, how can anyone else get me on that level'? It lies to you. Its already clouding your judgment about guys. See, I also compared my guy to other dudes I met, and they fell short. It was really demoralizing-- it made me lose hope with dating. I also thought our interactions were 'special', that no one could cheer me up as he did. And maybe they were kinda special. We were good friends and we did click. But I was wrong about nobody comparing. For one thing, I had a small sample size, and for another I was totally putting him on a pedestal. One night, soon after we 'broke up', I met this dude on the beach that was just as cute and just as smart, except he was also kind and treated me like I was beautiful and awesome and wanted in my pants. It gave me a real insight on how someone should interact with me and look at me and talk to me, and it was a bit of a wakeup call that maybe the guy I liked wasn't as perfect as I made him out to be. This was a guy I had interacted with previously, and who I'd overlooked in favor of my friend, originally. If he hadn't of pushed me away, I'd have still been pining for him.
I know its hard, and it sucks, and I'm sorry he doesn't love you. Unrequited love hurts and it sucks. I wish I had better advice for you to make it easier, but it won't be easy to disengage. But you really need to.
You can either do 2, or 4. If you do 2, make it a simple drama free message simply stating the facts, short and sweet. Don't make it manipulative or dramatic, don't make your leaving sound negotiable, don't go on and on about loving him (learn from my mistakes) nor make it as if he should reply. It shouldn't be open-ended. Ultimately its a lot easier and drama free to do 4, but a fade out can be super hurtful after a long friendship like this. I'm not sure which would be better for your situation.
Then, you need to deconstruct the image that this guy is perfect, because he isn't. In my case? I could tell even then my friend had some glaring personality flaws I'd gloss over because I liked him so much. Truly, he often drove me crazy, was flaky, superficial, pompous etc. Focus on these. You're focusing on his good points. Don't.
Then, you need to get out there and try to force your heart to open to the idea of someone else. Just the idea. I know you'll be resistant to it, but just meet people, and get to know them. You don't have to like them or even be attracted to them at first, and you probably won't be-- your loyalty will be to this guy for a while. Forget that. Just keep dating around, keep pushing past the initial discomfort, try giving people a decent chance before you write them off as 'not as good as my bestie,' ok?
Then you need to focus on this, and take it day by day. Just get through the day without contacting him. Then the next day, do it again. Block him if you need to. Get really really busy. The idea is to distract yourself from the inevitable intrusive thoughts that might make you reach out. I'm not going to lie: It will be really really tough, and you just have to try to get through the day. Don't look at his social media, it will just make it worse.
Lastly, really work on yourself. I was partly looking for love with this dude because I felt like he was a catch and I wasn't. But I was wrong about that, too. So I worked on the parts of me that gave me insecurity-- I tried to be the best me I could be. I worked out more, learned more. I tried to make myself the person I wished to date. The confidence boosts really helped my self esteem and it helped me attract a lot of attention from men, too.
And its ok to feel really really sad. Its like you're mourning the end of not just a friendship, but secret hopes of a future relationship. It sucks. Its going to hurt. But it'll be ok. And perhaps one day when you're totally over him you will maybe reconnect again. But until then, don't interact.
Lastly, disengaging is best for him, too. You're not really being a true friend deep down if secretly you're hoping for something more, you know? And on the flip side, someone truly perfect for you wouldn't make you put in more effort than they give. Someone right for you will love you on the same level you love them. This guy isn't it. I'm sorry.
I really hope this helps somewhat.
posted by Dimes at 2:06 PM on July 21, 2016
Oh gosh, I was the Other Person in basically the EXACT SAME situation. My best friend tried to cope with his feelings as best he could (same reasons: history, potential, etc.) for years, but then suddenly decided he no longer could and cut me out.
For godsakes, please *don't* do that to your friend, gradually or otherwise. He's a human being with feelings, and if you do have some rare and special connection (plus all this history) then undoubtedly he must very much love you as a friend (even if nothing more). Losing any kind of love causes intense pain. I was absolutely gutted by the cut, and still have lingering feelings of sadness and regret that we never got the chance to talk it out.
That said... if, after so long, you still feel torn and hung-up on this guy, space from him does sound like a good idea. It's not fair on you, or the people you're dating, to be forever being compared against a (wishful, probably rose-tinted) ideal. Disengage, but do it tactfully and make sure all feelings and reasons are put out there. Everyone's an adult here. While the act of disengaging will be tough, in doing so you'll subconsciously send yourself the message: "I deserve more than this. In doing this really hard thing I'm respecting my right / need for a healthy, equally loving relationship." If you do this and actively try to move on, you may find you're actually feeling more confident in yourself, and finding it easier to notice the all the other (different but equally special) potential connections out there.
posted by youhavedeadedme at 6:23 PM on July 26, 2016
For godsakes, please *don't* do that to your friend, gradually or otherwise. He's a human being with feelings, and if you do have some rare and special connection (plus all this history) then undoubtedly he must very much love you as a friend (even if nothing more). Losing any kind of love causes intense pain. I was absolutely gutted by the cut, and still have lingering feelings of sadness and regret that we never got the chance to talk it out.
That said... if, after so long, you still feel torn and hung-up on this guy, space from him does sound like a good idea. It's not fair on you, or the people you're dating, to be forever being compared against a (wishful, probably rose-tinted) ideal. Disengage, but do it tactfully and make sure all feelings and reasons are put out there. Everyone's an adult here. While the act of disengaging will be tough, in doing so you'll subconsciously send yourself the message: "I deserve more than this. In doing this really hard thing I'm respecting my right / need for a healthy, equally loving relationship." If you do this and actively try to move on, you may find you're actually feeling more confident in yourself, and finding it easier to notice the all the other (different but equally special) potential connections out there.
posted by youhavedeadedme at 6:23 PM on July 26, 2016
I am going through something like this with a friend ( a best friend, actually). I am bisexual and had a crush on her early on in our friendship, as I was going through a difficulty in my marriage at the time. After she called me out on it, and seemed cool with it, we had a laugh and went on with our friendship. In fact, we seemed closer than ever.
This friend and I were online friends for five years and talked every day. We eventually met in person twice this past year. The first time went well, but the second time, things seemed more distant. She seemed upset with me, and it wasn't until I got home that she sent a bunch of angry e-mails accusing me of still having feelings for her and using her friendship for my own sense of fantasy. She didn't listen to my response that I no longer had felt this way --she had made up her mind. Since then, we have only rarely communicated. She said some very hurtful things to me, too; critical and mean-spirited.
So, in your case, I would advise using a great deal of caution. Sure, it is addicting and fun for you, but what about him? If it's unrequited, there is no hope for a romantic connection. Even in my case, when I didn't feel a romantic connection, our past issues were still prevalent in her mind and she threw it back at me. This totally blindsided me, and made me regret ever telling her of my feelings (although they were so obvious she knew them anyway). Basically, I look at our friendship exactly as though it was a romantic relationship break-up, in terms of intensity. It hurts as much, but it's like an addiction, and even if you don't mean to 'string someone along', it might come across to them that way.
I'm sorry to be a downer, but I would suggest letting go. Also, therapy might be a good idea (it's helped me).
posted by lilyrose at 5:46 PM on August 10, 2016
This friend and I were online friends for five years and talked every day. We eventually met in person twice this past year. The first time went well, but the second time, things seemed more distant. She seemed upset with me, and it wasn't until I got home that she sent a bunch of angry e-mails accusing me of still having feelings for her and using her friendship for my own sense of fantasy. She didn't listen to my response that I no longer had felt this way --she had made up her mind. Since then, we have only rarely communicated. She said some very hurtful things to me, too; critical and mean-spirited.
So, in your case, I would advise using a great deal of caution. Sure, it is addicting and fun for you, but what about him? If it's unrequited, there is no hope for a romantic connection. Even in my case, when I didn't feel a romantic connection, our past issues were still prevalent in her mind and she threw it back at me. This totally blindsided me, and made me regret ever telling her of my feelings (although they were so obvious she knew them anyway). Basically, I look at our friendship exactly as though it was a romantic relationship break-up, in terms of intensity. It hurts as much, but it's like an addiction, and even if you don't mean to 'string someone along', it might come across to them that way.
I'm sorry to be a downer, but I would suggest letting go. Also, therapy might be a good idea (it's helped me).
posted by lilyrose at 5:46 PM on August 10, 2016
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Why cut off one of your best supports in life?
posted by littlewater at 5:37 AM on July 20, 2016