All out of jokes
July 15, 2016 10:24 AM
I need new jokes. Lots and lots of jokes.
I find myself in the position of needing lots of jokes. I've probably read every single past question looking for jokes, and a lot of the same ones tend to come up again and again. I now need to refresh my jokes database. Please give me your funny jokes.
Rules: mild swearing and sex stuff is okay, but nothing extreme. No sexist, racist or any kind of -ist jokes. Shouldn't be excessively long (i.e. no shaggy dog stories, much as I love them)
I will pretty much take ANY kind of joke, but bonus for the following:
Dad jokes
A ______ walked into a bar jokes
Jokes that require specialized knowledge (e.g. - A programmer's wife tells him: "Run to the store and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen." The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.)
Anti-jokes (e.g. - What did one lawyer say to the other lawyer? "We are both lawyers.")
Thanks Mefi!
I find myself in the position of needing lots of jokes. I've probably read every single past question looking for jokes, and a lot of the same ones tend to come up again and again. I now need to refresh my jokes database. Please give me your funny jokes.
Rules: mild swearing and sex stuff is okay, but nothing extreme. No sexist, racist or any kind of -ist jokes. Shouldn't be excessively long (i.e. no shaggy dog stories, much as I love them)
I will pretty much take ANY kind of joke, but bonus for the following:
Dad jokes
A ______ walked into a bar jokes
Jokes that require specialized knowledge (e.g. - A programmer's wife tells him: "Run to the store and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen." The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.)
Anti-jokes (e.g. - What did one lawyer say to the other lawyer? "We are both lawyers.")
Thanks Mefi!
Q: Why was the Amish woman excommunicated?
A: Too Mennonite
posted by yoga at 10:31 AM on July 15, 2016
A: Too Mennonite
posted by yoga at 10:31 AM on July 15, 2016
Q. How do you think the unthinkable?
A. With an itheberg.
posted by mochapickle at 10:36 AM on July 15, 2016
A. With an itheberg.
posted by mochapickle at 10:36 AM on July 15, 2016
Happy to contribute my favorite joke:
A termite walks into a bar and says, "is the bar tender here?"
posted by underthehat at 10:43 AM on July 15, 2016
A termite walks into a bar and says, "is the bar tender here?"
posted by underthehat at 10:43 AM on July 15, 2016
Q. What happens if you drink food coloring?
A. You dye a little inside.
posted by chesty_a_arthur at 10:47 AM on July 15, 2016
A. You dye a little inside.
posted by chesty_a_arthur at 10:47 AM on July 15, 2016
A QA engineer walks into a bar.
Orders a beer. Orders 9999999999999 beers. Orders 0 beers. Orders -99999999999999 beers. Orders a ❤. Orders a lizard.
posted by aperturescientist at 10:50 AM on July 15, 2016
Orders a beer. Orders 9999999999999 beers. Orders 0 beers. Orders -99999999999999 beers. Orders a ❤. Orders a lizard.
posted by aperturescientist at 10:50 AM on July 15, 2016
What do you get if you cross a mosquito with a mountain climber?
Nothing. You can't cross a vector with a scaler.
posted by zamboni at 10:53 AM on July 15, 2016
Nothing. You can't cross a vector with a scaler.
posted by zamboni at 10:53 AM on July 15, 2016
A hit with my niece and nephew:
Knock knock
Who's there?
Smell mop!
Smell mop who?
NO THANK YOU!
posted by noonday at 10:53 AM on July 15, 2016
Knock knock
Who's there?
Smell mop!
Smell mop who?
NO THANK YOU!
posted by noonday at 10:53 AM on July 15, 2016
What do you get if you cross a lab rat with a grad student?
A formal sanction from the ethics review board.
posted by zamboni at 10:54 AM on July 15, 2016
A formal sanction from the ethics review board.
posted by zamboni at 10:54 AM on July 15, 2016
Why can't Sarah sing?
She's a goldfish.
Why can't Todd turn around in the hall?
He's driving a tractor.
posted by zamboni at 10:55 AM on July 15, 2016
She's a goldfish.
Why can't Todd turn around in the hall?
He's driving a tractor.
posted by zamboni at 10:55 AM on July 15, 2016
Q:What time does Sean Connery arrive at Wimbledon?
A:Tennish.
Q:What kind of bees make milk?
A:Boo-bees :)
posted by JenThePro at 11:01 AM on July 15, 2016
A:Tennish.
Q:What kind of bees make milk?
A:Boo-bees :)
posted by JenThePro at 11:01 AM on July 15, 2016
Science jokes: Scientists tell us their favourite jokes
Dad jokes: Last time, you didn't have holes in your feet!
posted by ringu0 at 11:02 AM on July 15, 2016
Dad jokes: Last time, you didn't have holes in your feet!
posted by ringu0 at 11:02 AM on July 15, 2016
She offered her honor.
He honored her offer.
And all night long he was on her and off her.
I went to my doctor for an examination.
He said, "You have to stop masturbating."
I asked, "Why?"
He said, "Because I'm trying to give you an examination!"
posted by mosk at 11:05 AM on July 15, 2016
He honored her offer.
And all night long he was on her and off her.
I went to my doctor for an examination.
He said, "You have to stop masturbating."
I asked, "Why?"
He said, "Because I'm trying to give you an examination!"
posted by mosk at 11:05 AM on July 15, 2016
What did the snail riding on the back of a turtle say?
Wheeeeeeee!!!!
posted by brookeb at 11:05 AM on July 15, 2016
Wheeeeeeee!!!!
posted by brookeb at 11:05 AM on July 15, 2016
Jokes from the last few Halloweens (kids in St. Louis tell jokes at Halloween for candy. It's a thing)
What do you call bacon without eggs?
Bacon, Obviously.
What kind of witch lives on the beach?
A sandwich
What do you call a bear with no teeth?
A gummy bear
What does nosy pepper do?
Get jalapeno business
What do you call a dog with no legs?
Doesn't matter, he's not going to come anyway.
Why did the princess go to the potty?
Because she had to poop.
What do you call a cow with no leg?
Ground beef.
What do you get with a dancing cow?
Beef jerky and a milkshake.
Why does the ocean roar?
You would too if you had crabs on your bottom.
What happens to the guy who doesn't pay his exorcist?
He gets repossessed.
posted by teleri025 at 11:05 AM on July 15, 2016
What do you call bacon without eggs?
Bacon, Obviously.
What kind of witch lives on the beach?
A sandwich
What do you call a bear with no teeth?
A gummy bear
What does nosy pepper do?
Get jalapeno business
What do you call a dog with no legs?
Doesn't matter, he's not going to come anyway.
Why did the princess go to the potty?
Because she had to poop.
What do you call a cow with no leg?
Ground beef.
What do you get with a dancing cow?
Beef jerky and a milkshake.
Why does the ocean roar?
You would too if you had crabs on your bottom.
What happens to the guy who doesn't pay his exorcist?
He gets repossessed.
posted by teleri025 at 11:05 AM on July 15, 2016
Why can't Todd turn around in the hall?
He's driving a tractor.
posted by zamboni at 1:55 PM on July 15 [+] [!]
He was driving a Zamboni?
posted by AugustWest at 11:06 AM on July 15, 2016
He's driving a tractor.
posted by zamboni at 1:55 PM on July 15 [+] [!]
He was driving a Zamboni?
posted by AugustWest at 11:06 AM on July 15, 2016
A patient wearing nothing but cling wrap asks his psychiatrist "Is there something wrong with me,doctor?"
The doctor replies "Well, I can clearly see your/'re nuts."
posted by InkDrinker at 11:10 AM on July 15, 2016
The doctor replies "Well, I can clearly see your/'re nuts."
posted by InkDrinker at 11:10 AM on July 15, 2016
A pirate walks into a bar with an enormous ship's wheel stuck down the front of the pants. After he's ordered a couple drinks, the bartender gets up his courage to ask "What's that wheel doing in your pants?"
The pirate responds "Arrrrrr! It's drivin' me nuts!"
------
What's a pirate's favorite letter?
[wait for your victim to say some version of "Arrrrr!"]
You might very well think that, but really his true love is the C.
posted by firechicago at 11:15 AM on July 15, 2016
The pirate responds "Arrrrrr! It's drivin' me nuts!"
------
What's a pirate's favorite letter?
[wait for your victim to say some version of "Arrrrr!"]
You might very well think that, but really his true love is the C.
posted by firechicago at 11:15 AM on July 15, 2016
Did you hear about the ship carrying purple paint that collided with a ship carrying red paint?
Both crews were marooned.
posted by cerebus19 at 11:17 AM on July 15, 2016
Both crews were marooned.
posted by cerebus19 at 11:17 AM on July 15, 2016
Why did the programmer die in his shower?
He read the shampoo's instructions: "Lather. Rinse. Repeat."
posted by cerebus19 at 11:22 AM on July 15, 2016
He read the shampoo's instructions: "Lather. Rinse. Repeat."
posted by cerebus19 at 11:22 AM on July 15, 2016
I ordered an omelet at a new French bistro last week and boy, was it small.
Apparently, to them, one egg is un oeuf.
posted by uncleozzy at 11:24 AM on July 15, 2016
Apparently, to them, one egg is un oeuf.
posted by uncleozzy at 11:24 AM on July 15, 2016
Queen Elizabeth was visiting sick children in a Scottish hospital, and after performing her planned duties, she wandered off to other parts of the hospital. Walking into an unidentified ward, she went up to a patient in bed and asked him how he was doing. He replied:
"O, my luve is like a red, red rose,
That's newly sprung in June.
O, my luve is like the melodie,
That's sweetly played in tune....."
Finding the response somewhat inappropriate she wished him good day and moved down the ward to a room where another man was sitting quietly. In response to her inquiry, he began singing:
"Should auld acquaintance be forgot,
And never brought to min' ?
Should auld acquaintance be forgot,
And days o' lang syne ?"
Somewhat baffled by this sequence of events she found a third room, where her greeting was met with:
"Wee, sleekit, cowrin', tim'rous beastie,
O, what a panic's in thy breastie ...."
She gave up, and left the ward. On her way out, she encountered the head nurse. "Is this the psychiatric ward?" she asked.
"No, ma'am," the nurse replied. "It's......the Burns unit."
posted by Emperor SnooKloze at 11:24 AM on July 15, 2016
"O, my luve is like a red, red rose,
That's newly sprung in June.
O, my luve is like the melodie,
That's sweetly played in tune....."
Finding the response somewhat inappropriate she wished him good day and moved down the ward to a room where another man was sitting quietly. In response to her inquiry, he began singing:
"Should auld acquaintance be forgot,
And never brought to min' ?
Should auld acquaintance be forgot,
And days o' lang syne ?"
Somewhat baffled by this sequence of events she found a third room, where her greeting was met with:
"Wee, sleekit, cowrin', tim'rous beastie,
O, what a panic's in thy breastie ...."
She gave up, and left the ward. On her way out, she encountered the head nurse. "Is this the psychiatric ward?" she asked.
"No, ma'am," the nurse replied. "It's......the Burns unit."
posted by Emperor SnooKloze at 11:24 AM on July 15, 2016
A skeleton walks into a bar and says, "I'd like a beer, and a mop."
Q: Where does the king keep his armies?
A: In his sleevies.
posted by charmedimsure at 11:26 AM on July 15, 2016
Q: Where does the king keep his armies?
A: In his sleevies.
posted by charmedimsure at 11:26 AM on July 15, 2016
My dad's favorite dad joke:
Any time railroad tracks are visible say something like: "Looks like a train just went though here." Then wait.
If/when someone asks how you can tell respond: "Well, it left its tracks."
posted by owls at 11:30 AM on July 15, 2016
Any time railroad tracks are visible say something like: "Looks like a train just went though here." Then wait.
If/when someone asks how you can tell respond: "Well, it left its tracks."
posted by owls at 11:30 AM on July 15, 2016
A SQL query walks into a bar, goes up to two tables, and asks "May I join you?"
posted by cerebus19 at 11:31 AM on July 15, 2016
posted by cerebus19 at 11:31 AM on July 15, 2016
A little trivia! Mahatma Gandhi as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him frail, and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.
This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
posted by NoraCharles at 11:50 AM on July 15, 2016
This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
posted by NoraCharles at 11:50 AM on July 15, 2016
Two stock exchange members were walking down the street together after work. They were making small talk. One said to the other, "I got a Golden Retriever for my wife." The other replied, "Nice trade."
posted by AugustWest at 11:51 AM on July 15, 2016
posted by AugustWest at 11:51 AM on July 15, 2016
A tomato walks into a bar and says, "Lemme have a bourbon, up." The bartender says, "Holy shit! A talking tomato!"
Two fonts walk into a bar. The bartender says, "We don't serve your type in here."
posted by holborne at 11:58 AM on July 15, 2016
Two fonts walk into a bar. The bartender says, "We don't serve your type in here."
posted by holborne at 11:58 AM on July 15, 2016
What's a pirate's favorite letter?
[wait for your victim to say some version of "Arrrrr!"]
You might very well think that, but really his true love is the C.
But Canadian pirates prefer A.
posted by Johnny Wallflower at 12:08 PM on July 15, 2016
[wait for your victim to say some version of "Arrrrr!"]
You might very well think that, but really his true love is the C.
But Canadian pirates prefer A.
posted by Johnny Wallflower at 12:08 PM on July 15, 2016
Q: What's brown and rhymes with snoop?
A: Dr. Dre
posted by Johnny Wallflower at 12:09 PM on July 15, 2016
A: Dr. Dre
posted by Johnny Wallflower at 12:09 PM on July 15, 2016
What's brown and sticky?
A stick!
What is a dolphin's favorite tv show?
Whale of Fortune!
What did the Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor?
Make me one with everything.
...
The Buddhist pays for his hot dog with a $10 note and then asks for his change.
The hot dog vendor says, "Change comes from within."
A ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a drink.
The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve food here."
How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Giraffe.
What did the snowflake say to the fallen leaf?
You are so last season.
Two muffins were sitting in an oven, and the first looks over to the second, and says, "Man, it's really hot in here!" The second looks over at the first with a surprised look, and answers, "WHOA, a talking muffin!"
I think I want a job cleaning mirrors.
It's something I could really see myself doing.
Two satellites decided to get married.
The wedding wasn't much, but the reception was spectacular!
What's the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don't know and I don't care!
Why do ghosts love elevators?
Because they lift their spirits!
Why shouldn't you write with a dull pencil?
Because it's pointless!
Two cannibals are sitting 'round the fire, eating a clown.
One turns to the other and says, "Does this taste funny to you?"
Police arrested two kids for drinking battery acid and eating fireworks.
They charged one and let the other off.
What do you call a group of killer whales playing instruments?
An Orca-stra.
There's a new restaurant called Karma where there's no menu, they just give you what you deserve.
I know some jokes about unemployment but they need some work.
I got fired from the calendar factory for taking a day off.
What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?
A man went into a bar in Ancient Rome and said to the barman "I'll have a martinus"
The barman says, "Wait, don't you mean martini?"
The man replies: "If I want two I'll ask for them!"
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance.
We'll see about that!
A bear walks into a bar and the bartender says, "What'll it be?"
The bear says, "I'll have ............................ a beer".
The bartender pours the beer and asks, "Why the big pause?"
The bear says, "I was born with them."
What's the difference between a poorly dressed man on a tricycle and a well dressed man on a bicycle?
Attire.
I bought my friends an elephant for their living room.
They said "Thanks!"
I said "Don't mention it."
Two mice chewing on a roll of film.
One of them says, "I think the book was better."
I went to a book store and asked the saleswoman where the Self Help section was, she said if she told me it would defeat the purpose.
What's copper nitrate?
A police officer on a night shift.
All toilets in police stations have been stolen.
Police have nothing to go on.
What did the "0" say to the "8"?
Nice belt!
posted by zarq at 12:16 PM on July 15, 2016
A stick!
What is a dolphin's favorite tv show?
Whale of Fortune!
What did the Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor?
Make me one with everything.
...
The Buddhist pays for his hot dog with a $10 note and then asks for his change.
The hot dog vendor says, "Change comes from within."
A ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a drink.
The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve food here."
How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Giraffe.
What did the snowflake say to the fallen leaf?
You are so last season.
Two muffins were sitting in an oven, and the first looks over to the second, and says, "Man, it's really hot in here!" The second looks over at the first with a surprised look, and answers, "WHOA, a talking muffin!"
I think I want a job cleaning mirrors.
It's something I could really see myself doing.
Two satellites decided to get married.
The wedding wasn't much, but the reception was spectacular!
What's the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don't know and I don't care!
Why do ghosts love elevators?
Because they lift their spirits!
Why shouldn't you write with a dull pencil?
Because it's pointless!
Two cannibals are sitting 'round the fire, eating a clown.
One turns to the other and says, "Does this taste funny to you?"
Police arrested two kids for drinking battery acid and eating fireworks.
They charged one and let the other off.
What do you call a group of killer whales playing instruments?
An Orca-stra.
There's a new restaurant called Karma where there's no menu, they just give you what you deserve.
I know some jokes about unemployment but they need some work.
I got fired from the calendar factory for taking a day off.
What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?
A man went into a bar in Ancient Rome and said to the barman "I'll have a martinus"
The barman says, "Wait, don't you mean martini?"
The man replies: "If I want two I'll ask for them!"
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance.
We'll see about that!
A bear walks into a bar and the bartender says, "What'll it be?"
The bear says, "I'll have ............................ a beer".
The bartender pours the beer and asks, "Why the big pause?"
The bear says, "I was born with them."
What's the difference between a poorly dressed man on a tricycle and a well dressed man on a bicycle?
Attire.
I bought my friends an elephant for their living room.
They said "Thanks!"
I said "Don't mention it."
Two mice chewing on a roll of film.
One of them says, "I think the book was better."
I went to a book store and asked the saleswoman where the Self Help section was, she said if she told me it would defeat the purpose.
What's copper nitrate?
A police officer on a night shift.
All toilets in police stations have been stolen.
Police have nothing to go on.
What did the "0" say to the "8"?
Nice belt!
posted by zarq at 12:16 PM on July 15, 2016
What do you call a cow with no leg?
Ground beef.
What do you call a cow with two legs?
Lean beef.
A group of Roman soldiers enters a bar. They sit down at a table and one goes up to the bar and orders a pitcher of beer.
The bartender asks, "How many glasses do you need?"
[hold up two fingers in a V]
"Five."
posted by egregious theorem at 12:22 PM on July 15, 2016
Ground beef.
What do you call a cow with two legs?
Lean beef.
A group of Roman soldiers enters a bar. They sit down at a table and one goes up to the bar and orders a pitcher of beer.
The bartender asks, "How many glasses do you need?"
[hold up two fingers in a V]
"Five."
posted by egregious theorem at 12:22 PM on July 15, 2016
Three logicians walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and says, "So, you fellas want a drink?"
The first logician says, "I don't know!" The second logician says, "I don't know!" The third logician says, "Yes."
posted by sninky-chan at 12:24 PM on July 15, 2016
The first logician says, "I don't know!" The second logician says, "I don't know!" The third logician says, "Yes."
posted by sninky-chan at 12:24 PM on July 15, 2016
When I exercise I sweat.
When I go outside I sweat.
Going outside must be great exercise.
posted by Midnight Skulker at 12:25 PM on July 15, 2016
When I go outside I sweat.
Going outside must be great exercise.
posted by Midnight Skulker at 12:25 PM on July 15, 2016
The best dad joke I saw was from Tumblr and it goes as follows:
My dad walked into my room and said,
"What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?"
And just left.
posted by Crystalinne at 12:37 PM on July 15, 2016
My dad walked into my room and said,
"What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?"
And just left.
posted by Crystalinne at 12:37 PM on July 15, 2016
A man was smoking while he was filling his car with gas and accidently caught is arms on fire. While ran around wildly waving his arms in the air trying to put the fire out a police officer came up and issued him a ticket.... for possession of illegal firearms...
[ba-dum kssssssh]
posted by PuppetMcSockerson at 12:42 PM on July 15, 2016
[ba-dum kssssssh]
posted by PuppetMcSockerson at 12:42 PM on July 15, 2016
A man in a grocery store puts an two eggs, and apple and a banana on the counter.
"You must be single," the cashier says.
"I am!" the man tells her. "How did you know that?"
"Because you're ugly."
posted by layceepee at 12:47 PM on July 15, 2016
"You must be single," the cashier says.
"I am!" the man tells her. "How did you know that?"
"Because you're ugly."
posted by layceepee at 12:47 PM on July 15, 2016
How do you get down from an elephant?
You don't; you get down from a duck.
(Thanks Dad)
posted by SyraCarol at 12:51 PM on July 15, 2016
You don't; you get down from a duck.
(Thanks Dad)
posted by SyraCarol at 12:51 PM on July 15, 2016
Two windmills out in the field. The first windmill asks "Hey, what's your favorite kind of music?" The second windmill says "Oh, I don't know, I'm a big metal fan."
posted by Aunt Slappy at 12:52 PM on July 15, 2016
posted by Aunt Slappy at 12:52 PM on July 15, 2016
Where do MRAs get their water?
From a well, actually
posted by ActionPopulated at 1:01 PM on July 15, 2016
From a well, actually
posted by ActionPopulated at 1:01 PM on July 15, 2016
Q: Where did Napoleon keep his armies?
A: In his sleevies.
And then you laugh, and laugh, and laugh..!
posted by samthemander at 1:08 PM on July 15, 2016
A: In his sleevies.
And then you laugh, and laugh, and laugh..!
posted by samthemander at 1:08 PM on July 15, 2016
Q. What's green and has two wheels?
A. Grass, I lied about the wheels.
Q. What do a mole and an eagle have in common?
A. They both live underground, except for the eagle.
posted by geegollygosh at 1:31 PM on July 15, 2016
A. Grass, I lied about the wheels.
Q. What do a mole and an eagle have in common?
A. They both live underground, except for the eagle.
posted by geegollygosh at 1:31 PM on July 15, 2016
Q: What's black and white and black and white and black and white?
A: A nun falling down stairs.
Q: What's black and white and laughing?
A: The nun who pushed her.
Q: What do you call a one-wheeled bike that moves by itself?
A: The Invisible Man on a unicycle.
Q: What do you call a dog with no legs?
A: Doesn't matter, he's not going to come anyway.
Q: Where do find a dog with no legs?
A: Right where you left him.
Q: What's the difference between a dumptrunk full of bowling balls and a dumptruck full of dead woodchucks?
A: You can't unload a dumptruck full of bowling balls with a pitchfork.
Music jokes:
Q: How many altos does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: None, they can't get up that high.
Q: How do you know there's a soprano at your door?
A: She can't find the key and doesn't know when to come in.
Q: What the definition of a minor second?
A: Two oboes playing in perfect unison.
Q: Why are violas bigger than violins?
A: They aren't, the violinists' heads are bigger.
A C, an E-Flat, and a G walk into a bar. The bartender looks at them and says, "Sorry, we don't serve minors." So the E-Flat leaves and the C and the G have an open fifth between them.
And my dad's favorite joke:
Q: What's brown and sounds like a bell?
A: Dung!
posted by darchildre at 1:39 PM on July 15, 2016
A: A nun falling down stairs.
Q: What's black and white and laughing?
A: The nun who pushed her.
Q: What do you call a one-wheeled bike that moves by itself?
A: The Invisible Man on a unicycle.
Q: What do you call a dog with no legs?
A: Doesn't matter, he's not going to come anyway.
Q: Where do find a dog with no legs?
A: Right where you left him.
Q: What's the difference between a dumptrunk full of bowling balls and a dumptruck full of dead woodchucks?
A: You can't unload a dumptruck full of bowling balls with a pitchfork.
Music jokes:
Q: How many altos does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: None, they can't get up that high.
Q: How do you know there's a soprano at your door?
A: She can't find the key and doesn't know when to come in.
Q: What the definition of a minor second?
A: Two oboes playing in perfect unison.
Q: Why are violas bigger than violins?
A: They aren't, the violinists' heads are bigger.
A C, an E-Flat, and a G walk into a bar. The bartender looks at them and says, "Sorry, we don't serve minors." So the E-Flat leaves and the C and the G have an open fifth between them.
And my dad's favorite joke:
Q: What's brown and sounds like a bell?
A: Dung!
posted by darchildre at 1:39 PM on July 15, 2016
An accordionist was on his way to a gig driving in a very small car - the accordion on the front seat beside him. He had to stop for fuel on the way. He was nervous about leaving his instrument unattended in the car, but figured he would only be away for a moment while he went to pay. Alas, his worst fears were realized! While he was away, someone had broken his window and put another accordion in the car.
Q: What's the difference between a saxophone and a chainsaw?
A: Vibratro
posted by bluejayway at 1:45 PM on July 15, 2016
Q: What's the difference between a saxophone and a chainsaw?
A: Vibratro
posted by bluejayway at 1:45 PM on July 15, 2016
Musical:
What do you get if you drop a piano on an Army base?
A flat major.
What do you get if you drop a piano down a mine shaft?
A flat miner.
Two cows are standing in a field. One says to the other "have you heard about this mad cow disease going around?" The other says "What do I care? I'm a helicopter!"
I'm sorry, you have reached an imaginary number, please rotate your phone 90 degrees and try again.
A little bit sophomoric:
What do you call a dog with no back legs and metal balls?
Sparky
posted by Hactar at 2:38 PM on July 15, 2016
What do you get if you drop a piano on an Army base?
A flat major.
What do you get if you drop a piano down a mine shaft?
A flat miner.
Two cows are standing in a field. One says to the other "have you heard about this mad cow disease going around?" The other says "What do I care? I'm a helicopter!"
I'm sorry, you have reached an imaginary number, please rotate your phone 90 degrees and try again.
A little bit sophomoric:
What do you call a dog with no back legs and metal balls?
Sparky
posted by Hactar at 2:38 PM on July 15, 2016
Attributed to Mike Woolson:
Attacker: Knock, knock.
Victim: Who's there?
Attacker: Control freak. Now, you say "control freak who?"
posted by jet_silver at 2:49 PM on July 15, 2016
Attacker: Knock, knock.
Victim: Who's there?
Attacker: Control freak. Now, you say "control freak who?"
posted by jet_silver at 2:49 PM on July 15, 2016
The Dalai Lama comes upon a hot dog vendor at Times Square. His order: "make me one with everything".
___
The Lama hands the vendor a $20 bill. The vendor thanks him politely.
...
The Lama asks for his change, and the vendor says "change comes from within".
posted by jet_silver at 2:54 PM on July 15, 2016
___
The Lama hands the vendor a $20 bill. The vendor thanks him politely.
...
The Lama asks for his change, and the vendor says "change comes from within".
posted by jet_silver at 2:54 PM on July 15, 2016
Here's an inappropriate one for Game of Thrones fans.
Q: Why do the Lannisters have such big beds?
A: They push two twins together to make a king.
posted by skycrashesdown at 3:02 PM on July 15, 2016
Q: Why do the Lannisters have such big beds?
A: They push two twins together to make a king.
posted by skycrashesdown at 3:02 PM on July 15, 2016
- You know when you see birds migrating, like they fly in a 'V' shape? You know why one side is sometimes longer than the other?
- Nope?
- Its got more birds on that side
Why does a giraffe have such a long neck?
Because its head is so far from its body
You know why you never see elephants hiding in trees?
Cuz the're so good at it
You know why you never see anyone playing soccer in the Savannah?
Too many cheetahs
Why do scuba divers fall backwards off of the boat?
Because if they fell forward, they'd still be on the boat.
Why don't ants get sick?
Because they have little anty-bodies.
What do you call a Mexican with a rubber toe?
Roberto
At an interview:
- What would you say is your worst characteristic?
- Honesty
- Well, uh, that cant be too bad?
- I dont give a fuck what you think
If I had to describe myself with one word it would be "bad at following directions"
What did batman say to robin before they got in the batmobile?
- Get in the batmobile
What's the difference between a well dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly dressed man on a bike?
Attire.
What do you calls Santa's helpers?
Subordinate Clauses
posted by speakeasy at 3:27 PM on July 15, 2016
- Nope?
- Its got more birds on that side
Why does a giraffe have such a long neck?
Because its head is so far from its body
You know why you never see elephants hiding in trees?
Cuz the're so good at it
You know why you never see anyone playing soccer in the Savannah?
Too many cheetahs
Why do scuba divers fall backwards off of the boat?
Because if they fell forward, they'd still be on the boat.
Why don't ants get sick?
Because they have little anty-bodies.
What do you call a Mexican with a rubber toe?
Roberto
At an interview:
- What would you say is your worst characteristic?
- Honesty
- Well, uh, that cant be too bad?
- I dont give a fuck what you think
If I had to describe myself with one word it would be "bad at following directions"
What did batman say to robin before they got in the batmobile?
- Get in the batmobile
What's the difference between a well dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly dressed man on a bike?
Attire.
What do you calls Santa's helpers?
Subordinate Clauses
posted by speakeasy at 3:27 PM on July 15, 2016
How do you catch a unique bird?
Unique up on it.
How do you catch a tame bird?
The tame way.
posted by matildaben at 3:50 PM on July 15, 2016
Unique up on it.
How do you catch a tame bird?
The tame way.
posted by matildaben at 3:50 PM on July 15, 2016
Two vintage Catholic jokes:
Two priests were having a hard time praying for long periods of time without a smoke break. After talking about it, they both decided to ask their superiors for permission to smoke.
The next day the priests met to compare notes. One, who was a Franciscan, looked pretty downcast. "I asked my superior if I could smoke while I pray, and he really chewed me out."
His friend, a Jesuit, just shook his head. "I asked my superior if I could pray while I smoked, and he said of course!"
---
A woman went to her parish priest to ask about vocations for her very devout son.
The priest got out some brochures for her. "It's a lot of work, but it's very rewarding! A parish priest like me studies for eight years. A Franciscan studies for 10 years. Now, a Jesuit—a Jesuit studies for 12 whole years."
The woman thought about it for a moment and then shook the priest's hand. "Sign him up for the last one, Father. He's a little slow."
posted by Polycarp at 3:57 PM on July 15, 2016
Two priests were having a hard time praying for long periods of time without a smoke break. After talking about it, they both decided to ask their superiors for permission to smoke.
The next day the priests met to compare notes. One, who was a Franciscan, looked pretty downcast. "I asked my superior if I could smoke while I pray, and he really chewed me out."
His friend, a Jesuit, just shook his head. "I asked my superior if I could pray while I smoked, and he said of course!"
---
A woman went to her parish priest to ask about vocations for her very devout son.
The priest got out some brochures for her. "It's a lot of work, but it's very rewarding! A parish priest like me studies for eight years. A Franciscan studies for 10 years. Now, a Jesuit—a Jesuit studies for 12 whole years."
The woman thought about it for a moment and then shook the priest's hand. "Sign him up for the last one, Father. He's a little slow."
posted by Polycarp at 3:57 PM on July 15, 2016
I may have learned this one from mefi, but:
Why do mice have little balls?
Because they like to dance!
posted by ActionPopulated at 4:09 PM on July 15, 2016
Why do mice have little balls?
Because they like to dance!
posted by ActionPopulated at 4:09 PM on July 15, 2016
My favorite source for groaner dad jokes is the icebreaker segment in Dinner Party Download episodes. They have handy annual compilations: 2010 | 2011 | (looks like no 2012) | 2013 | 2014 | 2015
posted by Flannery Culp at 4:10 PM on July 15, 2016
posted by Flannery Culp at 4:10 PM on July 15, 2016
An older woman goes to the doctor. He asks what the problem is, and she responds, "I keep having silent gaseous emissions. Last week I went to a formal dinner, and every few minutes I had another silent gaseous emission. It was so embarrassing! And all week it's been the same - every half hour I have 5-10 silent gaseous emissions! Why, just in the past five minutes with you, I've had at least 4 silent gaseous emissions! Can you help me?!"
The doctor nodded and said "Absolutely... But first, let's check your hearing."
posted by Mchelly at 4:44 PM on July 15, 2016
The doctor nodded and said "Absolutely... But first, let's check your hearing."
posted by Mchelly at 4:44 PM on July 15, 2016
A priest, a rabbi, and a minister walked into a bar. The bartender said, "What is this? Some kind of joke?"
posted by FencingGal at 5:00 PM on July 15, 2016
posted by FencingGal at 5:00 PM on July 15, 2016
What did the farmer say when he opened the barn door and saw that his tractor was missing?
"Where's my tractor?"
posted by trillian at 5:04 PM on July 15, 2016
"Where's my tractor?"
posted by trillian at 5:04 PM on July 15, 2016
A guy is out walking when he comes to a river. He looks across and sees someone standing on the opposite bank. He yells, "How do I get to the other side?" The fellow over there yells back, "You are on the other side!"
posted by Redstart at 5:18 PM on July 15, 2016
posted by Redstart at 5:18 PM on July 15, 2016
From my son:
What do you call a camel with 3 humps?
Pregnant.
posted by Nanukthedog at 5:34 PM on July 15, 2016
What do you call a camel with 3 humps?
Pregnant.
posted by Nanukthedog at 5:34 PM on July 15, 2016
A fish is swimming and has to come to a sudden stop because of a wall. What does it say?
Dam!
posted by FencingGal at 6:11 PM on July 15, 2016
Dam!
posted by FencingGal at 6:11 PM on July 15, 2016
What did Freud say comes between fear and sex?
Fünf.
posted by hoist with his own pet aardvark at 7:51 PM on July 15, 2016
Fünf.
posted by hoist with his own pet aardvark at 7:51 PM on July 15, 2016
It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.
"Is it solipsistic in here, or is it just me?"
Did you hear about the jurisprudence fetishist? He got off on technicality...
posted by ORthey at 7:59 PM on July 15, 2016
"Is it solipsistic in here, or is it just me?"
Did you hear about the jurisprudence fetishist? He got off on technicality...
posted by ORthey at 7:59 PM on July 15, 2016
What's Whitney Houston's favorite kind of coordination?
HAAAAAND EEEEEEYE.
What's loud and sounds like apples?
APPLES.
posted by Charity Garfein at 8:48 PM on July 15, 2016
HAAAAAND EEEEEEYE.
What's loud and sounds like apples?
APPLES.
posted by Charity Garfein at 8:48 PM on July 15, 2016
Lost Tourist: How do I get to Carnegie Hall?
Beatnik: practice, man...practice
posted by ostranenie at 9:19 PM on July 15, 2016
Beatnik: practice, man...practice
posted by ostranenie at 9:19 PM on July 15, 2016
B.F. Skinner is in bed after making love with his wife. He turns to her and says, "It was good for you. Was it good for me?"
posted by little eiffel at 9:24 PM on July 15, 2016
posted by little eiffel at 9:24 PM on July 15, 2016
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs who swims the English Channel?
Clever Dick.
posted by arha at 9:27 PM on July 15, 2016
Clever Dick.
posted by arha at 9:27 PM on July 15, 2016
and to add on to darchildre's jokes:
Q: What's black and white and re[a]d all over?
A1: A newspaper.
A2: A nun/penguin in a blender.
posted by smirkette at 9:57 PM on July 15, 2016
Q: What's black and white and re[a]d all over?
A1: A newspaper.
A2: A nun/penguin in a blender.
posted by smirkette at 9:57 PM on July 15, 2016
Horse walks into a bar. Bartender says, "Why the long face?"
Horse says, "My alcoholism is killing my family."
posted by komara at 11:01 PM on July 15, 2016
Horse says, "My alcoholism is killing my family."
posted by komara at 11:01 PM on July 15, 2016
A guy is walking down the street when he sees a kid sitting on the sidewalk with a bag of candy. This kid is just shoveling candy into his face as fast as he can possibly chew and swallow it. The man stands and stares for a minute, both fascinated and aghast. Finally he can't help himself and he says, "Hey, kid, eating that much candy can't be good for your health."
The kid stops, mid-chew, and turns his head towards the guy. He looks at him for a second and says, "Did you know my grandfather lived to be 92 years old?"
"I ... uh, no? Wait, why, did he eat a lot of candy too?"
"No, but he knew when to mind his own fucking business."
posted by komara at 11:06 PM on July 15, 2016
The kid stops, mid-chew, and turns his head towards the guy. He looks at him for a second and says, "Did you know my grandfather lived to be 92 years old?"
"I ... uh, no? Wait, why, did he eat a lot of candy too?"
"No, but he knew when to mind his own fucking business."
posted by komara at 11:06 PM on July 15, 2016
You guys want to hear a Zika joke?
Never mind, you probably won't get it.
Dublin pub customer: What's the best way to get to Galway from here?
Bartender: Hmm. Are ya walkin' or drivin'?
Customer: Oh, we're definitely driving.
Bartender: Aye, that's the best way.
posted by emelenjr at 3:13 AM on July 16, 2016
Never mind, you probably won't get it.
Dublin pub customer: What's the best way to get to Galway from here?
Bartender: Hmm. Are ya walkin' or drivin'?
Customer: Oh, we're definitely driving.
Bartender: Aye, that's the best way.
posted by emelenjr at 3:13 AM on July 16, 2016
I used to want to be a banker but I lost interest,
then I wanted to be a gold miner but that didn’t quite pan out.
(Comment in today's Guardian)
posted by lungtaworld at 4:49 AM on July 16, 2016
then I wanted to be a gold miner but that didn’t quite pan out.
(Comment in today's Guardian)
posted by lungtaworld at 4:49 AM on July 16, 2016
A friend told me that she made a million dollars selling dog shit.
I said, "That's gross!"
She said, "No, that's net."
Did you hear about the constipated mathematician?
He worked it out with a pencil.
posted by defreckled at 5:25 AM on July 16, 2016
I said, "That's gross!"
She said, "No, that's net."
Did you hear about the constipated mathematician?
He worked it out with a pencil.
posted by defreckled at 5:25 AM on July 16, 2016
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Adolf.
Adolf who?
Adolf ball hit me in the mowf.
posted by a car full of lions at 5:42 AM on July 16, 2016
Who's there?
Adolf.
Adolf who?
Adolf ball hit me in the mowf.
posted by a car full of lions at 5:42 AM on July 16, 2016
Achilles thought the job interview was going well until asked about his greatest weakness.
Then he had to admit defeat.
posted by jacob at 6:43 AM on July 16, 2016
Then he had to admit defeat.
posted by jacob at 6:43 AM on July 16, 2016
My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations. I’m pretty sure she was hitting on me.
posted by 445supermag at 8:24 AM on July 16, 2016
posted by 445supermag at 8:24 AM on July 16, 2016
Long ago lived a seaman named Captain Bravo. He was the bravest of fighters and showed no fear in facing his enemies. One day, while sailing the seven seas, a lookout spotted a pirate ship and the crew became frantic. Captain Bravo quieted the crew and then gave the order, "Bring me my red shirt."
The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain’s red shirt and while wearing the bright frock he led his crew into battle and defeated the pirates.
Later that week, the lookout again spotted not one, but two pirate ships. The captain again requested his red shirt and once again vanquished the pirates.
That evening, the officers discussed the day’s triumphs and one of them asked the captain, "Sir, why do you call for your red shirt before a fight? Do you believe it brings you luck in battle?"
The captain replied, "No, if I am wounded in the attack, the shirt will not show my blood, and thus, the men will not be demoralized." The men sat in silence and marveled at such courage.
One morning, the lookout spotted not one, not two, but TEN pirate ships approaching. The rank and file all gasped with fear, but then looked to their captain for guidance. Captain Bravo displayed no emotion, and in a calm voice said to the first mate, "Get me my brown pants."
posted by 445supermag at 9:02 AM on July 16, 2016
The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain’s red shirt and while wearing the bright frock he led his crew into battle and defeated the pirates.
Later that week, the lookout again spotted not one, but two pirate ships. The captain again requested his red shirt and once again vanquished the pirates.
That evening, the officers discussed the day’s triumphs and one of them asked the captain, "Sir, why do you call for your red shirt before a fight? Do you believe it brings you luck in battle?"
The captain replied, "No, if I am wounded in the attack, the shirt will not show my blood, and thus, the men will not be demoralized." The men sat in silence and marveled at such courage.
One morning, the lookout spotted not one, not two, but TEN pirate ships approaching. The rank and file all gasped with fear, but then looked to their captain for guidance. Captain Bravo displayed no emotion, and in a calm voice said to the first mate, "Get me my brown pants."
posted by 445supermag at 9:02 AM on July 16, 2016
Q: How do you get 100 Canadians out of the pool?
A: Say: "Hey, all you Canadians! Out of the pool!"
posted by QuakerMel at 9:17 AM on July 16, 2016
A: Say: "Hey, all you Canadians! Out of the pool!"
posted by QuakerMel at 9:17 AM on July 16, 2016
A skeleton walked into a bar and said, “give me a beer and a mop.”
posted by nicepersonality at 9:19 AM on July 16, 2016
posted by nicepersonality at 9:19 AM on July 16, 2016
What did the panda want most in the world? ... To take a color photo of himself.
Waawaawaaa
posted by zestful at 10:38 AM on July 16, 2016
Waawaawaaa
posted by zestful at 10:38 AM on July 16, 2016
Why did the scarecrow get a promotion?
They were out-standing in their field.
posted by talldean at 1:10 PM on July 16, 2016
They were out-standing in their field.
posted by talldean at 1:10 PM on July 16, 2016
(Sorry - the first one is slightly racist toward members of demographic groups).
Q: How many members of a given demographic group does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: A finite positive integer N greater than 1. 1 to hold the lightbulb, and N to behave in a fashion generally associated with a negative stereotype of that group.
__________
A horse walks into a bar.
The bartender, who has noticed the horse at many of the local bars lately, asks the horse: "horse, are you an alcoholic?"
To this, the horse replies: "I don't think I am," and *POOF!* the horse disappears.
This is the point in time when all the philosophy students reading this begin to giggle, as they are familiar with the philosophical proposition: 'cogito ergo sum,' or 'I think, therefore, I am.'
But explaining that concept to everyone beforehand would be putting Descartes before the horse.
posted by taltalim at 9:23 AM on July 18, 2016
Q: How many members of a given demographic group does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: A finite positive integer N greater than 1. 1 to hold the lightbulb, and N to behave in a fashion generally associated with a negative stereotype of that group.
__________
A horse walks into a bar.
The bartender, who has noticed the horse at many of the local bars lately, asks the horse: "horse, are you an alcoholic?"
To this, the horse replies: "I don't think I am," and *POOF!* the horse disappears.
This is the point in time when all the philosophy students reading this begin to giggle, as they are familiar with the philosophical proposition: 'cogito ergo sum,' or 'I think, therefore, I am.'
But explaining that concept to everyone beforehand would be putting Descartes before the horse.
posted by taltalim at 9:23 AM on July 18, 2016
This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis. The way I first saw it here on Mefi had it as "...mystic with chronic halitosis."
What do you call a cow with no leg?
Ground beef.
What do you call a cow with two legs?
Lean beef.
What do you call a cow with 3 legs?
Tri tip.
What do you call a cow with 1 leg?
Steak.
Why is six afraid of seven?
(sarcastic response because they've heard it before: "because seven eight nine.")
No, dummy. Because seven is a registered six offender.
posted by allkindsoftime at 3:14 PM on July 18, 2016
What do you call a cow with no leg?
Ground beef.
What do you call a cow with two legs?
Lean beef.
What do you call a cow with 3 legs?
Tri tip.
What do you call a cow with 1 leg?
Steak.
Why is six afraid of seven?
(sarcastic response because they've heard it before: "because seven eight nine.")
No, dummy. Because seven is a registered six offender.
posted by allkindsoftime at 3:14 PM on July 18, 2016
All my jokes are theater tech jokes (sorry Soundguy99)
What's the shortest distance between two points?
A sound cable
Why is it always "Check 1, 2, Check 1, 2?"
Everyone lifts on 3.
How many electricians does it take to change a lightbulb?
(extremely pretentious voice) It's called a Lamp.
posted by Uncle at 1:46 PM on July 19, 2016
What's the shortest distance between two points?
A sound cable
Why is it always "Check 1, 2, Check 1, 2?"
Everyone lifts on 3.
How many electricians does it take to change a lightbulb?
(extremely pretentious voice) It's called a Lamp.
posted by Uncle at 1:46 PM on July 19, 2016
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This thread is closed to new comments.
Q: What does the "B" stand for in "Benoit B. Mandelbrot"?
A: "Benoit B. Mandelbrot"
Q) Have you heard about the new band that call themselves 1023MB?
A) They don't have any gigs yet.
posted by bondcliff at 10:29 AM on July 15, 2016