Can/should this relationship be saved? If so, how?
June 11, 2016 2:39 AM
Got it together with friend, relationship seemed to be going amazingly, then he did a sudden about turn and ended it. I am hoping the situation can be resolved. How can I make things better? Or am I kidding myself and do I just need to move on?
Background: In January 2016 I got talking to a friend-of-a-friend on Facebook and we added each other. We had a lot in common in terms of music/interests/sense of humour and outlook on life. It was strictly platonic because we lived two hundred miles apart and both of us had fairly recently (six months ish) come out of abusive relationships. (His ex was violent and controlling whilst mine was a manipulative gaslighter, compulsive liar and rip off merchant). Anyway, a year passed, the tone of our messages became gradually less platonic and more frequent and in April this year we met up, got on like a house on fire and became a couple. Everything seemed to be going well and it was all so easy and drama free. He messaged me on the way back from our first meeting with the "so we're an official couple now" conversation and then he was constantly messaging with how much he missed me, how much he liked me, how much he was looking forward to seeing me. The next time we met he asked my opinion on marriage, having children, where I saw myself living in the future (our views were all compatible) and we made plans for things to do, including things that were months away. He told his daughter (15) about us and asked lots of questions about my family. We met each others' friends and I liked his and he liked mine. The last time we saw each other was last weekend, where we spent the day planning a trip to Barcelona which were were going to book as soon as we got paid at the end of the month.
And then I suggested we do the Facebook "in a relationship" thing and everything changed. This would have meant something good to me because I was proud to have him in my life and wanted to share the news with all my friends, and also because said horrible ex boyfriend always hid me on Facebook (presumably to stop Other Women knowing he was with someone). His reaction was not just to say no, but to be quite angry that I had even asked. He gave a few reasons for not wanting to, which were all valid ("I don't want to put my personal life on Facebook" "It's horrible if you break up and have to remove it" and - most importantly - "My ex wife used to micromanage my social media and tell me to write nice things about her when in fact she was being awful". We were a bit at odds about it because of the opposite behaviours of our horrible exes but I thought we could get over it. I had also noted that he hadn't put any photos of me up on Facebook (he posted some of something we did together but none with me in and started the post with "I went to..." and not "We"), and had hidden some other photos a mutual friend had posted of us and I said I'd feel a lot happier if he just mentioned me occasionally and unhid the photos. He said that was all quite reasonable and he unhid one of the photos and said he would mention me more in future.
I mentioned what had happened to a friend of mine who took a less charitable view of his behaviour and suspected him of hiding for a more sinister reason. My friend knew who his ex wife was as they used to live in the same town and looked at her Facebook. There was nothing sinister there but my friend did notice there were some "couply photos" of them taken long after he said they had broken up (but long before we met in person). I asked him about this and he explained they had briefly tried to get back together but it hadn't worked and then he really went off at me about my friend being a stalker. I understand that he was uncomfortable (I was a bit too and told my friend to stop looking at the ex's facebook or at least stop telling me about it) but they were public posts so I was surprised at the level of his reaction.
Then on Thursday he had a really bad day at work but before I knew this I'd written him an email in which I explained my reasons for wanting my relationship visible on Facebook (since he'd asked me a few questions the previous night which I hadn't had time to answer. He replied to this with words of the effect of: "I'm feeling totally overwhelmed. I really like you but your stalker mate/the divorce/us falling out has made my head buzz. I don't think I am ready to be in a relationship. I am sick of getting hurt. I don't know what to do" and I said "isn't this a bit of a U turn because last week you were saying blah blah blah" and "I am not going to hurt you, I am not like X, I just want to make you happy" and he said he had to go and clear his head or something and disappeared. That was the last I heard from him. I sent him a quick message yesterday just to say that I missed him and hoped he was ok (only I had had a few rums so it was a bit more verbose). I probably shouldn't have. I didn't get a reply.
I feel absolutely devastated. I know it has only been a few weeks but with how well we got to know each other before we met it felt like a lot longer. And he was so keen and enthusiastic for the future. That all came from him and not me as I am generally the type of person who moves slowly in relationships. I really felt we were great together and had a lot of long term potential and my brain is screaming FIX THIS. It is obvious that at the very least he needs some space and that I should not try to contact him for a while, but what then? Can I/we fix this? How? Or should I just accept that he's changed his mind and let him go?
Background: In January 2016 I got talking to a friend-of-a-friend on Facebook and we added each other. We had a lot in common in terms of music/interests/sense of humour and outlook on life. It was strictly platonic because we lived two hundred miles apart and both of us had fairly recently (six months ish) come out of abusive relationships. (His ex was violent and controlling whilst mine was a manipulative gaslighter, compulsive liar and rip off merchant). Anyway, a year passed, the tone of our messages became gradually less platonic and more frequent and in April this year we met up, got on like a house on fire and became a couple. Everything seemed to be going well and it was all so easy and drama free. He messaged me on the way back from our first meeting with the "so we're an official couple now" conversation and then he was constantly messaging with how much he missed me, how much he liked me, how much he was looking forward to seeing me. The next time we met he asked my opinion on marriage, having children, where I saw myself living in the future (our views were all compatible) and we made plans for things to do, including things that were months away. He told his daughter (15) about us and asked lots of questions about my family. We met each others' friends and I liked his and he liked mine. The last time we saw each other was last weekend, where we spent the day planning a trip to Barcelona which were were going to book as soon as we got paid at the end of the month.
And then I suggested we do the Facebook "in a relationship" thing and everything changed. This would have meant something good to me because I was proud to have him in my life and wanted to share the news with all my friends, and also because said horrible ex boyfriend always hid me on Facebook (presumably to stop Other Women knowing he was with someone). His reaction was not just to say no, but to be quite angry that I had even asked. He gave a few reasons for not wanting to, which were all valid ("I don't want to put my personal life on Facebook" "It's horrible if you break up and have to remove it" and - most importantly - "My ex wife used to micromanage my social media and tell me to write nice things about her when in fact she was being awful". We were a bit at odds about it because of the opposite behaviours of our horrible exes but I thought we could get over it. I had also noted that he hadn't put any photos of me up on Facebook (he posted some of something we did together but none with me in and started the post with "I went to..." and not "We"), and had hidden some other photos a mutual friend had posted of us and I said I'd feel a lot happier if he just mentioned me occasionally and unhid the photos. He said that was all quite reasonable and he unhid one of the photos and said he would mention me more in future.
I mentioned what had happened to a friend of mine who took a less charitable view of his behaviour and suspected him of hiding for a more sinister reason. My friend knew who his ex wife was as they used to live in the same town and looked at her Facebook. There was nothing sinister there but my friend did notice there were some "couply photos" of them taken long after he said they had broken up (but long before we met in person). I asked him about this and he explained they had briefly tried to get back together but it hadn't worked and then he really went off at me about my friend being a stalker. I understand that he was uncomfortable (I was a bit too and told my friend to stop looking at the ex's facebook or at least stop telling me about it) but they were public posts so I was surprised at the level of his reaction.
Then on Thursday he had a really bad day at work but before I knew this I'd written him an email in which I explained my reasons for wanting my relationship visible on Facebook (since he'd asked me a few questions the previous night which I hadn't had time to answer. He replied to this with words of the effect of: "I'm feeling totally overwhelmed. I really like you but your stalker mate/the divorce/us falling out has made my head buzz. I don't think I am ready to be in a relationship. I am sick of getting hurt. I don't know what to do" and I said "isn't this a bit of a U turn because last week you were saying blah blah blah" and "I am not going to hurt you, I am not like X, I just want to make you happy" and he said he had to go and clear his head or something and disappeared. That was the last I heard from him. I sent him a quick message yesterday just to say that I missed him and hoped he was ok (only I had had a few rums so it was a bit more verbose). I probably shouldn't have. I didn't get a reply.
I feel absolutely devastated. I know it has only been a few weeks but with how well we got to know each other before we met it felt like a lot longer. And he was so keen and enthusiastic for the future. That all came from him and not me as I am generally the type of person who moves slowly in relationships. I really felt we were great together and had a lot of long term potential and my brain is screaming FIX THIS. It is obvious that at the very least he needs some space and that I should not try to contact him for a while, but what then? Can I/we fix this? How? Or should I just accept that he's changed his mind and let him go?
Yes, let him go. He isn't ready to be in a relationship, or the type of public relationship you want, and he is training you to walk on eggshells around him. It hasn't even been three months (of a LDR, so how many hours have you even spent together?), pretty normal to re-evaluate a relationship at this point - it sounds like he had a role set out for you (hence the feeling he was moving fast) and once you went off-script and expressed your own (completely normal and healthy) needs he couldn't cope with you being an autonomous person. If you get back together you can never trust him to not ghost on you whenever you express a need, and he will expect you to either conform to his rigid expectations of your behaviour or he will "punish" you again by giving you the silent treatment. Take a break, regroup, and go out on more dates with other guys.
posted by saucysault at 2:59 AM on June 11, 2016
posted by saucysault at 2:59 AM on June 11, 2016
Fuck Facebook. But really, move on from this guy. And Facebook. Facebook is not a thing that should have any meaning. Grown ups don't care about Facebook.
That said, your friend was not AT ALL being stalkery looking at public FB posts - that's what they are there for.
You ex-(boy)friend is an asshole who, for whatever reason, reacted entirely inappropriately to your request to do something couple-y. He didn't have to freak out or be so weird. There are nice ways to maintain boundaries. This was not that.
For the record, I think he's hiding something, too, hence the over-reaction.
He over-reacted and that's enough. He'll do this again and again if you take him back. You're not a toy he can pick up and put down when he wants. Do not take him back. Move on. Rejoice! You dodged a bullet.
posted by jbenben at 3:29 AM on June 11, 2016
That said, your friend was not AT ALL being stalkery looking at public FB posts - that's what they are there for.
You ex-(boy)friend is an asshole who, for whatever reason, reacted entirely inappropriately to your request to do something couple-y. He didn't have to freak out or be so weird. There are nice ways to maintain boundaries. This was not that.
For the record, I think he's hiding something, too, hence the over-reaction.
He over-reacted and that's enough. He'll do this again and again if you take him back. You're not a toy he can pick up and put down when he wants. Do not take him back. Move on. Rejoice! You dodged a bullet.
posted by jbenben at 3:29 AM on June 11, 2016
I would like to say that the fact that I continued to poke was not an attempt to get him to change his mind, but attempt to convince him that I hadn't asked in an attempt to be controlling - I wanted him to forgive me for asking.
posted by intensitymultiply at 3:59 AM on June 11, 2016
posted by intensitymultiply at 3:59 AM on June 11, 2016
He is not ready for a relationship. He is hyper vigilant about being controlled and will always be interpreting your every expression as a way to control him. For example, "I wanted him to..." Means you are trying to control his reaction, his feelings. Neither of you are bad people, he needs more healing.
posted by SyraCarol at 4:17 AM on June 11, 2016
posted by SyraCarol at 4:17 AM on June 11, 2016
Look, when someone tells you they're sensitive about a subject, stop poking them about it.
Just give him some space for a few days and then give him a ring. Talk about anything but Facebook.
What's more important, the actual relationship or signs of it on Facebook?
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 4:24 AM on June 11, 2016
Just give him some space for a few days and then give him a ring. Talk about anything but Facebook.
What's more important, the actual relationship or signs of it on Facebook?
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 4:24 AM on June 11, 2016
Do you want to be with a grown adult who throws a fit over Facebook? Do you want to be with someone who runs away at the first hint of conflict? Do you want to be with a person who starts talking marriage immediately after you get together and then does an about-face and gets "quite angry" simply because you asked about making your relationship public? This guy sounds like ten kinds of bad news.
For what it's worth, I also think any relationship that can be undone by something as meaningless as Facebook isn't worth two minutes of your time. His reaction to being "Facebook official" is ridiculous but I'd also encourage you to not hinge your partnership expectations on how and when you can click an "in a relationship with ____" button.
posted by _Mona_ at 4:29 AM on June 11, 2016
For what it's worth, I also think any relationship that can be undone by something as meaningless as Facebook isn't worth two minutes of your time. His reaction to being "Facebook official" is ridiculous but I'd also encourage you to not hinge your partnership expectations on how and when you can click an "in a relationship with ____" button.
posted by _Mona_ at 4:29 AM on June 11, 2016
I would like to say that the fact that I continued to poke was not an attempt to get him to change his mind, but attempt to convince him that I hadn't asked in an attempt to be controlling
He gave you three valid reasons for not wanting the relationship advertised on FB and instead of listening to him you pressured him into adding photos to his timeline that he didn't want on there and to agree to mention the relationship more in his posts. I say pressured because I suspect that he only agreed to this new arrangement to keep the peace, something thing he probably had to do with his controlling ex.
Then you get your friend involved and question him about perfectly innocent photos on his ex's feed that he has no control over. Why the hell would you want to bring that up? To compel him to agree to have the relationship all over FB? No wonder he was angry. That kind of gross manipulation is something I would end a relationship over. The fact that you don't see that, or you do see it and are just lying to yourself is the reason your partner backed off.
You don't give your reasons for wanting your relationship advertised. Maybe you should have added that to your post, but at this point it doesn't really matter. You decided that your partner's concerns weren't important to you. Just like his ex.
Please leave him alone to come to a decision. In the meantime work out whether this need to shout about your relationship to other people who probably don't care is worth killing a relationship over, and why you need to do it.
posted by urbanwhaleshark at 4:38 AM on June 11, 2016
He gave you three valid reasons for not wanting the relationship advertised on FB and instead of listening to him you pressured him into adding photos to his timeline that he didn't want on there and to agree to mention the relationship more in his posts. I say pressured because I suspect that he only agreed to this new arrangement to keep the peace, something thing he probably had to do with his controlling ex.
Then you get your friend involved and question him about perfectly innocent photos on his ex's feed that he has no control over. Why the hell would you want to bring that up? To compel him to agree to have the relationship all over FB? No wonder he was angry. That kind of gross manipulation is something I would end a relationship over. The fact that you don't see that, or you do see it and are just lying to yourself is the reason your partner backed off.
You don't give your reasons for wanting your relationship advertised. Maybe you should have added that to your post, but at this point it doesn't really matter. You decided that your partner's concerns weren't important to you. Just like his ex.
Please leave him alone to come to a decision. In the meantime work out whether this need to shout about your relationship to other people who probably don't care is worth killing a relationship over, and why you need to do it.
posted by urbanwhaleshark at 4:38 AM on June 11, 2016
[One comment deleted. Ask Metafilter isn't for back and forth convo / debate, and OP, gently, you cannot have the discussion you'd like to have with the BF by proxy here with commenters. You've asked for advice on what to do, and all answers may not suit you -- which is okay. Just pick and choose what works for you, and ignore the rest. Everyone else, be sure you are trying to be helpful, and not venting about personal issues. Productive, helpful answers, please.]
posted by taz at 5:13 AM on June 11, 2016
posted by taz at 5:13 AM on June 11, 2016
As you've pointed out, your respective exes made you both hypervigilant and anxious in ways that unfortunately set each other off.
I think he is not good boyfriend material right now because whenever his girlfriend asks him to show his love in specific ways he throws a shit fit and has a major crisis. Not a good boyfriend for anyone, but particularly not good for you, because you need and deserve a boyfriend who is so happy to be with you, he wants to shout it from the rooftops. Go look for that boyfriend.
posted by Omnomnom at 5:20 AM on June 11, 2016
I think he is not good boyfriend material right now because whenever his girlfriend asks him to show his love in specific ways he throws a shit fit and has a major crisis. Not a good boyfriend for anyone, but particularly not good for you, because you need and deserve a boyfriend who is so happy to be with you, he wants to shout it from the rooftops. Go look for that boyfriend.
posted by Omnomnom at 5:20 AM on June 11, 2016
intensitymultiply, I am so sorry, but I do not think this is the man you are looking for. There are so many red flags in your story it is bringing me out in hives. At the very least I think you should sit and seriously think if this is what you want for yourself, especially given the fact that you are recently out of an abusive relationship. I have been there and I know that however much I wanted surviving it to have made me stronger it just made me more vulnerable to the next dickhead that I came across.
The majority of your relationship was online. This is not a red flag, but it is a yellow flag. It is so damn easy online to fill in the fuzzy details and make this person into The One. He had a role for you mapped out as saucysalt said, but you also had a role mapped for him, that he is not filling.
You asked for a very reasonable thing, a public acknowledgment of your relationship. And he freaked out and got nasty. OK yes there may be contributing trauma that is causing him to act out, but at the very least this is a bright orange flag. Which then turns into a red flag when he blows up at you and your attempts at trying to resolve the conflict result in him shutting down the relationship.
And then combined with:
- Rushing intimacy early on in the relationship, talk of marriage and kids implying a level of commitment that is inappropriate - HUGE RED FLAG
- You are now walking on eggshells trying to work out what you did wrong and how to placate him when he is the one that blew up - HUGE RED FLAG RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN
The most charitable reading of his actions is that he is seriously damaged by his ex and needs extensive time and therapy before he is a person worthy of dating. Or that the two of you have a mismatch in communication styles that would require extensive intervention above and beyond what a relationship of this length deserves. More likely he is a dishonest prick, he has another couple of irons in the fire and if you do reconcile the power in the relationship will have shifted entirely to his side, which he will use to hurt you.
I am so sorry and I know it hurts so, so much. But my honest advice is to lick your wounds and move on, this relationship is not worth it.
posted by arha at 5:27 AM on June 11, 2016
The majority of your relationship was online. This is not a red flag, but it is a yellow flag. It is so damn easy online to fill in the fuzzy details and make this person into The One. He had a role for you mapped out as saucysalt said, but you also had a role mapped for him, that he is not filling.
You asked for a very reasonable thing, a public acknowledgment of your relationship. And he freaked out and got nasty. OK yes there may be contributing trauma that is causing him to act out, but at the very least this is a bright orange flag. Which then turns into a red flag when he blows up at you and your attempts at trying to resolve the conflict result in him shutting down the relationship.
And then combined with:
- Rushing intimacy early on in the relationship, talk of marriage and kids implying a level of commitment that is inappropriate - HUGE RED FLAG
- You are now walking on eggshells trying to work out what you did wrong and how to placate him when he is the one that blew up - HUGE RED FLAG RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN
The most charitable reading of his actions is that he is seriously damaged by his ex and needs extensive time and therapy before he is a person worthy of dating. Or that the two of you have a mismatch in communication styles that would require extensive intervention above and beyond what a relationship of this length deserves. More likely he is a dishonest prick, he has another couple of irons in the fire and if you do reconcile the power in the relationship will have shifted entirely to his side, which he will use to hurt you.
I am so sorry and I know it hurts so, so much. But my honest advice is to lick your wounds and move on, this relationship is not worth it.
posted by arha at 5:27 AM on June 11, 2016
It's clear that this is a sore spot for him. He told you that his ex-wife was controlling about social media and wanted him to post positive things that he wasn't particularly feeling. Your response when he told you this was to... pressure him to post positive things about you on Facebook. When he balked at that, your friend then looked up his wife on Facebook and implied certain things about him based on those posts (looked at his abuser's carefully curated image of them together and assumed it was real). You then told him about this and expected him NOT to freak out?
I understand that you only meant to explain your reasoning and needs in order for him to reassure you that he wasn't upset/that your needs are valid but in doing so you ignored his attempt to set boundaries ("please don't try to control what I post on social media about us") about something that is still a trigger for him. You don't get to decide where halfway is. It doesn't matter what other people post about their relationships on Facebook. He told you that he was uncomfortable and it's up to him to change his mind, not you to push him for it. (Could he change his mind? Possibly. But that would take time and you didn't really give him any.)
The ball is in his court. Give him the space he needs and see if he wants to fix this. If you really need to be acknowledged on Facebook in specific ways then this might not be the relationship for you.
Anecdote: I'm avoidant due to trauma from several abusive relationships and really really hate posting anything about myself (especially my relationships!!) on social media because I've had people react really negatively to things like that in the past (I have gotten 4+ page long Word document rants 2 months after the post telling me why I'm a bad person, I'm not kidding). I do not think he is cheating on you, I just think you hit a lot of his trauma buttons in a short period of time and he's stressed from work and he is genuinely overwhelmed. Give him room to think and see what he says in a week or two (+ see how you feel about it given some time as well).
posted by buteo at 5:30 AM on June 11, 2016
I understand that you only meant to explain your reasoning and needs in order for him to reassure you that he wasn't upset/that your needs are valid but in doing so you ignored his attempt to set boundaries ("please don't try to control what I post on social media about us") about something that is still a trigger for him. You don't get to decide where halfway is. It doesn't matter what other people post about their relationships on Facebook. He told you that he was uncomfortable and it's up to him to change his mind, not you to push him for it. (Could he change his mind? Possibly. But that would take time and you didn't really give him any.)
The ball is in his court. Give him the space he needs and see if he wants to fix this. If you really need to be acknowledged on Facebook in specific ways then this might not be the relationship for you.
Anecdote: I'm avoidant due to trauma from several abusive relationships and really really hate posting anything about myself (especially my relationships!!) on social media because I've had people react really negatively to things like that in the past (I have gotten 4+ page long Word document rants 2 months after the post telling me why I'm a bad person, I'm not kidding). I do not think he is cheating on you, I just think you hit a lot of his trauma buttons in a short period of time and he's stressed from work and he is genuinely overwhelmed. Give him room to think and see what he says in a week or two (+ see how you feel about it given some time as well).
posted by buteo at 5:30 AM on June 11, 2016
It sounds like your insecurities and his are incompatible. You need to be acknowledged, he needs to not feel micromanaged (and needs to feel like you trust him - not saying you don't, but that you need to act in the way that he perceives as you trusting him). Both of you are facing valid issues. Healthy relationships involve learning how to make sure both partners are emotionally supported and validated. You only have a future together if you can both learn to how to balance your needs and issues with your partner's needs and issues. Sorry to trot out a trite saying, but: if you love someone let them go. If they come back they're yours, if they don't the never were.
posted by AliceBlue at 5:44 AM on June 11, 2016
posted by AliceBlue at 5:44 AM on June 11, 2016
I don't think it's necessarily a problem that he doesn't want the relationship on Facebook given his reasons. I think it is a HUGE problem he got angry at you for even asking. A good guy with a sensitive spot would have explained his reasons to you apologetically. The anger and hyperbole about your friend "stalking" him is also a bad sign. It all sounds very controlling at the worst and like limited empathy and poor conflict resolution skills at the best.
posted by Waiting for Pierce Inverarity at 5:46 AM on June 11, 2016
posted by Waiting for Pierce Inverarity at 5:46 AM on June 11, 2016
It's pretty clear to me that you're going to take his bait and beg to get him back, no matter what advice I do or do not give you. You're too far gone on this guy at this point.
I really think, though, you'll punish yourself right now and have lots of anguish over how horrible you were, but in six months or a year you'll look back and ask yourself, "why didn't I trust my instincts? Was it really so terrible and awful of me to express a need, something that would make me happy that I felt was harmless and simple and natural? Was I really so rude and presumptuous to want to innocently share my happiness on Facebook?"
For what it's worth, every guy who has balked at Facebook has been a huge ass who was hiding something or leading me on. Here's how it went with my fiancé:
Me: "I want to change our Facebook status."
Him: "Okay."
posted by quincunx at 9:27 AM on June 11, 2016
I really think, though, you'll punish yourself right now and have lots of anguish over how horrible you were, but in six months or a year you'll look back and ask yourself, "why didn't I trust my instincts? Was it really so terrible and awful of me to express a need, something that would make me happy that I felt was harmless and simple and natural? Was I really so rude and presumptuous to want to innocently share my happiness on Facebook?"
For what it's worth, every guy who has balked at Facebook has been a huge ass who was hiding something or leading me on. Here's how it went with my fiancé:
Me: "I want to change our Facebook status."
Him: "Okay."
posted by quincunx at 9:27 AM on June 11, 2016
My partner was in a few bad relationships with controlling exes. One was jealous and micromanaged his social media presence; pushed him into changing status, forced couple photos on his feed, declarations of love were constantly expected, etc. In fact, she wouldn't let him hang out with his friends (even at his own place) unless he called her during and talked to her or let her listen in on speakerphone. He couldn't even go up to the store without texting her constantly. That plus another negative experience on Facebook made him pretty anti-Facebook. He still uses it, but pretty sparingly.
As for me, I don't have a Facebook because I don't see the point and I'm pretty private.
Soon after we declared ourselves a couple, the topic came up of Facebook status. He told me about his ex. I asked him what he wanted to do. He said wanted to change his status, and I said ok. He did. When he proposed last year, he took a photo of my ring a day later and posted it on Facebook of his own volition. Occasionally if I send him a cute drawing I did, he'll post it on Facebook. I've never asked him to, but I think it's sweet.
My point is this, my fiance is uncomfortable with Facebook, but he loves me. Ultimately his love for me and his desire to share said love for me with the world trumps the bad experiences he has with his exes and Facebook. Obviously, not every person is the same and perhaps your partner's experiences were more traumatic. But lets say I wanted my fiancee to make us FB official, and he was adverse to this. If my fiance had sat down and told me his reasons for not wanting to change his status, he would have still been motivated by love for me-- he would have not gotten angry at my request. Anger should never come into it; the mere request shouldn't make him angry. And lets not forget, you didn't actually micromanage his Facebook use-- people point out you asking him to unhide a picture of you two, however, a mutual friend took it and posted it to their wall, and tagged him and it appeared in his. It wasn't you. He then chose to remove it when he saw it. Merely being threatened by the prospect of you appearing on his feed linked to him is alarming, yes, and you're right to be hurt by it. Not wanting you to control what he does on Facebook or change his status is not the same as not wanting you to appear on his feed at all in any capacity, and omit your presence at events you were actually at together. I don't think you were unreasonable to question that; at the very least he owed you an explanation.
The other thing is this. Good relationships can have bad discussions. Good relationships can have disagreements without the person wanting to hide and run away and feel overwhelmed and immediately throw in the towel and break up. Any time you can't explain yourself properly? That feeling where they take your motivations the wrong way-- and continue to do so even when you try to clear the air? Where they continue to see the worst in you and refuse to give you the benefit of the doubt? When they get angry at the prospect of discussion? It means that you can't win; and it means that this isn't a good relationship. He won't let you explain because he doesn't want to listen. Remember, in the grand scheme of things, this discussion about Facebook is nothing, and shouldn't question his love for you. Think carefully about the fact that this is the hill he chose to die on; it speaks volumes about him as a person.
You deserve better, and the sooner you get distance the better it will be for you.
posted by Dimes at 10:42 AM on June 11, 2016
As for me, I don't have a Facebook because I don't see the point and I'm pretty private.
Soon after we declared ourselves a couple, the topic came up of Facebook status. He told me about his ex. I asked him what he wanted to do. He said wanted to change his status, and I said ok. He did. When he proposed last year, he took a photo of my ring a day later and posted it on Facebook of his own volition. Occasionally if I send him a cute drawing I did, he'll post it on Facebook. I've never asked him to, but I think it's sweet.
My point is this, my fiance is uncomfortable with Facebook, but he loves me. Ultimately his love for me and his desire to share said love for me with the world trumps the bad experiences he has with his exes and Facebook. Obviously, not every person is the same and perhaps your partner's experiences were more traumatic. But lets say I wanted my fiancee to make us FB official, and he was adverse to this. If my fiance had sat down and told me his reasons for not wanting to change his status, he would have still been motivated by love for me-- he would have not gotten angry at my request. Anger should never come into it; the mere request shouldn't make him angry. And lets not forget, you didn't actually micromanage his Facebook use-- people point out you asking him to unhide a picture of you two, however, a mutual friend took it and posted it to their wall, and tagged him and it appeared in his. It wasn't you. He then chose to remove it when he saw it. Merely being threatened by the prospect of you appearing on his feed linked to him is alarming, yes, and you're right to be hurt by it. Not wanting you to control what he does on Facebook or change his status is not the same as not wanting you to appear on his feed at all in any capacity, and omit your presence at events you were actually at together. I don't think you were unreasonable to question that; at the very least he owed you an explanation.
The other thing is this. Good relationships can have bad discussions. Good relationships can have disagreements without the person wanting to hide and run away and feel overwhelmed and immediately throw in the towel and break up. Any time you can't explain yourself properly? That feeling where they take your motivations the wrong way-- and continue to do so even when you try to clear the air? Where they continue to see the worst in you and refuse to give you the benefit of the doubt? When they get angry at the prospect of discussion? It means that you can't win; and it means that this isn't a good relationship. He won't let you explain because he doesn't want to listen. Remember, in the grand scheme of things, this discussion about Facebook is nothing, and shouldn't question his love for you. Think carefully about the fact that this is the hill he chose to die on; it speaks volumes about him as a person.
You deserve better, and the sooner you get distance the better it will be for you.
posted by Dimes at 10:42 AM on June 11, 2016
I am prepared to give this guy the benefit of the doubt a little; I know that there have been times with my previously divorced husband where I have unintentionally hit a nerve and stepped on a mess a different lady made :-) For example, when we were planning our small, low-key wedding, I innocently inquired as to whether we would pay extra for a video. He reacted very badly, in what I felt was a disproportionate way to what I said, and it turned out later that this had been a big issue with his ex and he was re-living that. He could have, and should have, reacted better than he did. But it doesn't mean that he wasn't the right guy for me and DTMF because anyone who could say X in response to Y is clearly a Z, you know?
So, where do you go from here? Well, I do think you need to give him a couple days here. He asked for space, and you need to give it. But before you resume contact, you have to decide how important this issue is for you. Personally, I don't find Facebook terribly important. I like keeping in touch with friends who don't live here, I like seeing pictures of my niece and nephew etc. But it just is not important. My husband doesn't use it (he just doesn't care for it) and my interactions with him are simply in-person ones. If I want a declaration of love from him, he says it to me. And that's fine with me, but it might not be fine for you. So if the conversation is going to be 'I'm really sorry. I didn't mean to hit a nerve and I don't want to fight with you over something as stupid as Facebook. Can we put this to rest and move on?' that is one thing. If it's going to be 'having a public forum to acknowledge a relationship is super-important to me and I want to discuss if you are willing to work on this' then that is a very different conversation. You need to be clear on which it is before you contact him again.
posted by JoannaC at 1:19 PM on June 11, 2016
So, where do you go from here? Well, I do think you need to give him a couple days here. He asked for space, and you need to give it. But before you resume contact, you have to decide how important this issue is for you. Personally, I don't find Facebook terribly important. I like keeping in touch with friends who don't live here, I like seeing pictures of my niece and nephew etc. But it just is not important. My husband doesn't use it (he just doesn't care for it) and my interactions with him are simply in-person ones. If I want a declaration of love from him, he says it to me. And that's fine with me, but it might not be fine for you. So if the conversation is going to be 'I'm really sorry. I didn't mean to hit a nerve and I don't want to fight with you over something as stupid as Facebook. Can we put this to rest and move on?' that is one thing. If it's going to be 'having a public forum to acknowledge a relationship is super-important to me and I want to discuss if you are willing to work on this' then that is a very different conversation. You need to be clear on which it is before you contact him again.
posted by JoannaC at 1:19 PM on June 11, 2016
"Grown ups don't care about Facebook" is judgmental nonsense projecting somebody else's lifestyle as an ideal, and it is perfectly reasonable to consider a relationship status on Facebook a significant thing. There are a lot of different ways of using it and "he regularly posts on Facebook about things we do while deliberately erasing my presence" is very different to "he hasn't logged into Facebook since he stopped using dialup and got annoyed when I suggested he reopen an account specifically to be in a relationship with me". It's like saying the local cafe isn't important and so if he pretends not to know you when you're in there together don't worry about it - which would be insane, even though many people don't have or care about a local cafe.
posted by the agents of KAOS at 1:47 PM on June 11, 2016
posted by the agents of KAOS at 1:47 PM on June 11, 2016
Sounds like he is either already in another relationship back home, or else he is not ready to be in a relationship
posted by blueberry at 6:14 PM on June 11, 2016
posted by blueberry at 6:14 PM on June 11, 2016
You want to be visible on his social media, having had poor experiences previously where being kept secret online was a factor.
He wants you to have zero input into his online presence having had poor experiences previously where someone else controlling his online activity was a factor.
Neither of you are WRONG or unreasonable in your wants.
It could be that he wants to keep you low-profile because there's "something" with someone else, his ex maybe. Maybe nothing more than not wanting her to know he's seeing someone (rather than him actually still seeing her). OR it could genuinely be that he is not over what happened with her, to the point that your request has caused him genuine distress (though the "stalker" comments are a bit of a flag to me - if he's so concerned about people reading his posts and having privacy and autonomy online then he can change his settings or not use FB! He can't make Public posts then complain that a random member of the public read them!).
Either way i think this situation is a no-go - neither of you should start out the relationship feeling insecurity and discomfort so the other won't have to. It could be not the right person, or not the right time, but it's not right either way.
posted by intergalacticvelvet at 1:16 AM on June 12, 2016
He wants you to have zero input into his online presence having had poor experiences previously where someone else controlling his online activity was a factor.
Neither of you are WRONG or unreasonable in your wants.
It could be that he wants to keep you low-profile because there's "something" with someone else, his ex maybe. Maybe nothing more than not wanting her to know he's seeing someone (rather than him actually still seeing her). OR it could genuinely be that he is not over what happened with her, to the point that your request has caused him genuine distress (though the "stalker" comments are a bit of a flag to me - if he's so concerned about people reading his posts and having privacy and autonomy online then he can change his settings or not use FB! He can't make Public posts then complain that a random member of the public read them!).
Either way i think this situation is a no-go - neither of you should start out the relationship feeling insecurity and discomfort so the other won't have to. It could be not the right person, or not the right time, but it's not right either way.
posted by intergalacticvelvet at 1:16 AM on June 12, 2016
Op, wanting to make a relationship official on Facebook is... how do I put this kindly... childish. Then confronting your boyfriend about pictures on his ex's page is far more drama than he is obviously ready to handle, especially for someone who's recently come out of an abusive relationship.
I think you should let this one go. And learn from the experience.
posted by Kwadeng at 3:29 AM on June 12, 2016
I think you should let this one go. And learn from the experience.
posted by Kwadeng at 3:29 AM on June 12, 2016
Neither of you are WRONG or unreasonable in your wants.
I think this is true, but you both handled the situation poorly, him by getting really angry and you by continuing to pester him about this subject he explicitly told you was sensitive.
The wounds of y'alls previous relationships are being brought to the forefront and colliding. You two can recover from t his, but you both have to recognize the dynamic that was on display here and work towards avoiding it in the future. Just one of you doing it won't save things, you both have to do it.
If that doesn't happen, just call the relationship and things before it goes further, otherwise you're both in for a world of hurt. And who needs that?
Best of luck to you!
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 6:37 AM on June 12, 2016
I think this is true, but you both handled the situation poorly, him by getting really angry and you by continuing to pester him about this subject he explicitly told you was sensitive.
The wounds of y'alls previous relationships are being brought to the forefront and colliding. You two can recover from t his, but you both have to recognize the dynamic that was on display here and work towards avoiding it in the future. Just one of you doing it won't save things, you both have to do it.
If that doesn't happen, just call the relationship and things before it goes further, otherwise you're both in for a world of hurt. And who needs that?
Best of luck to you!
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 6:37 AM on June 12, 2016
Can the relationship be saved? Maybe. Should it? Hard to say. You both have a lot of baggage walking into this and you've already triggered each other in a big way over something relatively benign in the grand scheme of things. If you decide to keep trying, it's unlikely the path will be smooth.
In the short term, give him space. You are seeking validation here and he doesn't want to give it to you right now. Chasing him for it is just going to send him running the other way. Let this boil drop to a simmer - for him and you - before you try to re-engage him.
Take this moment to think about the kind of relationship you are looking for. What's the feeling you want to have? Are your needs being met?
I think you'd benefit from reading about attachment styles and seeing if that helps you decide what to do next. I'm a big fan of this book in particular. Given your shared dating histories, it's unlikely that either of you are working from a secure base in your romantic dealings. This is a pretty classic insecure/avoidant attachment pattern in action. Unless one of you can become the less reactive party, you are going to have a tough time maintaining a healthy relationship.
There is nothing wrong with needing open affection from your partner. Some people are better equipped to give that to you than others are. It doesn't mean anyone is right or wrong. You simply may not be a good fit for each other.
posted by amycup at 9:04 PM on June 12, 2016
In the short term, give him space. You are seeking validation here and he doesn't want to give it to you right now. Chasing him for it is just going to send him running the other way. Let this boil drop to a simmer - for him and you - before you try to re-engage him.
Take this moment to think about the kind of relationship you are looking for. What's the feeling you want to have? Are your needs being met?
I think you'd benefit from reading about attachment styles and seeing if that helps you decide what to do next. I'm a big fan of this book in particular. Given your shared dating histories, it's unlikely that either of you are working from a secure base in your romantic dealings. This is a pretty classic insecure/avoidant attachment pattern in action. Unless one of you can become the less reactive party, you are going to have a tough time maintaining a healthy relationship.
There is nothing wrong with needing open affection from your partner. Some people are better equipped to give that to you than others are. It doesn't mean anyone is right or wrong. You simply may not be a good fit for each other.
posted by amycup at 9:04 PM on June 12, 2016
The accelerated pace of your romantic relationship is a big red flag, and combined with his disproportionate anger about your Facebook request (and it sounds like the anger happened immediately, not after what people are calling you pestering or poking him), makes me wonder if he's being truthful about who the abusive partner in his previous relationship was. Such a quick shift between "You're perfect and wonderful and we have a marvelous future together [even though we barely know each other]" and "You're a horrible person for asking for something [even though it's an objectively reasonable request]" that leaves you feeling like you need to be groveling and explaining and seeking forgiveness -- even if he's not actually abusive, it's an abusive dynamic, and I can't imagine it's healthy for you.
posted by lazuli at 6:14 AM on June 13, 2016
posted by lazuli at 6:14 AM on June 13, 2016
He isn't ready to be in a relationship with you. Take him at his word and walk away. Find someone who wants you and is ready for an adult relationship.
If he didn't want to be Facebook official with you, that would be one thing. But that's no justification to get mad merely because you asked and to be a dick about it. You're better off without this one.
posted by J. Wilson at 7:24 AM on June 13, 2016
If he didn't want to be Facebook official with you, that would be one thing. But that's no justification to get mad merely because you asked and to be a dick about it. You're better off without this one.
posted by J. Wilson at 7:24 AM on June 13, 2016
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So, less than 48 hours ago he told you he felt overwhelmed and needed some space. Maybe try giving him the space he said he needs?
It sounds to me like he's struggling because you've inadvertently poked him in a soft spot (the facebook thing), and when he said "Ow!" you kept poking him in the same spot. You had a fight over whose needs would get met. If you want to be kind to him, then find another way to meet your own needs, rather than demanding that he meet them at the expense of his own sense of safety.
posted by jon1270 at 2:54 AM on June 11, 2016