I said I would write a letter of recommendation but now I don't want to

March 29, 2016 7:21 PM

I said I'd write a letter of recommendation for someone who was fired from my job place. I then found out the full extent of the issue which led to the termination. I don't want to do it anymore.

Last week someone where I work got fired. Immediately afterwards this person came into my office, crying, and asked me for a letter of recommendation. I was caught of guard and honestly didn't know the extent of the issues that led to their termination until I had already said yes and the person was gone.

Now that I've heard the actual reason that their employment was terminated I feel highly uncomfortable writing that letter. This person is not a bad person. In fact on a personal level I think they are kind and likable. But after learning about the degree to which they messed up I cannot, in good conscience, make a positive recommendation. It was a large screw up with potentially serious consequences.

This sucks. I don't want to hurt their feelings. I really do think this person is genuinely a good person but just still learning how to practice good judgment. Financially and personally this was a big blow for this person. But still...I just can't.

I'm looking for some advice here. How do I script this as to why I'm not going to write this letter anymore. Also, please tell me I'm not a total asshole for doing this.

posted by teamnap to Human Relations (9 answers total)

You're not an asshole. They know they screwed up, and they probably knew that you wouldn't have the whole story immediately afterwards. It's simple; no excuses, just: "I'm sorry, I can't write a recommendation letter for you."
posted by supercres at 7:24 PM on March 29, 2016 [1 favorite]

An answer to a very similar question from Ask A Manager. You may also find the advice given here helpful.
posted by SisterHavana at 7:29 PM on March 29, 2016 [5 favorites]

You're not an asshole at all. You are being totally reasonable. Providing a recommendation for this person is you putting your professional reputation on the line. You are not obliged to compromise your own interests to help someone else climb out of a hole they they themselves dug.

Nthing that Ask A Manager advice.
posted by His thoughts were red thoughts at 7:32 PM on March 29, 2016

It is also this person will never follow up with you.
posted by Monday at 7:36 PM on March 29, 2016

Best answer: Dear Person,

I wanted to let you know I won't be able to serve as a reference for you, or write you a letter of recommendation. I'm very sorry for my earlier misstatement.

I truly do wish you the best. Good luck.

Sincerely,
Me
posted by bluedaisy at 7:48 PM on March 29, 2016 [7 favorites]

Best answer: It's not uncommon for companies to have policies that prohibit their employees from providing references to people who have left, which kind of sucks but does offer you an excuse, a gentle lie you can use to avoid having an awkward conversation with someone who really isn't part of your life anymore.
posted by the hot hot side of randy at 8:05 PM on March 29, 2016 [5 favorites]

Are you absolutely sure you got the true story of what happened? It's not uncommon for an employee to be scapegoated when a project doesn't come out well.

Did you talk to the employee hirself about what happened?

The "Ask a Manager" link referenced above is about an employee with repeated bad behavior. It sounds like in this case the employee may have only messed up once. Are you sure that your standards are such that one mistake means a person can no longer be recommended for employment? One mistake erases all of their other good qualities and previous achievements?

If so, be prepared to be judged by the same standards. You lied to this person about being willing to provide a reference. That's your one strike right there!
posted by mysterious_stranger at 8:36 PM on March 29, 2016 [13 favorites]

In the past, I just ignored the request if I didn't feel comfortable doing it. They did not beg or try to chase me down. Not cool on my part, I guess, but they got the message. And when I asked a former boss of mine for a letter of recommendation, she ignored me which I took as a no. (We didn't personally get along that well, but I did a good job and thought she'd be willing to be a recommendation anyway, but clearly not.) So, I don't think it would be the worst thing if you just ignored them. It's a no all the time to me.

If you feel compelled to say something, you can say "As it turns out, I won't be able to serve as a reference for you. Good luck with your job search." And then just don't engage any further.
posted by AppleTurnover at 8:47 PM on March 29, 2016

Response by poster: This all very helpful, thank you. It turns out we do have a policy in place that precludes any employees from officially giving recommendations to former employees. It's a non-enforced policy though. But I guess that's that. I'll send this person an email letting them know.

To answer mysterious_strangers question: yes, I'm sure that it was this person unless someone were savvy enough to log into this person's computer (they'd have to know their password) and literally set this person up. Also, it wasn't a project that got messed up but something much more serious than that (I know that's vague but trust me when I say it wasn't as if this person missed a deadline or made an accounting error). And...now that all is said and done I'm finding out there had been a long laundry list of issues that I hadn't been aware of because it did not involve me but my coworkers. So. Yeah.

Thanks everyone.
posted by teamnap at 9:14 PM on March 29, 2016 [5 favorites]