Coping with suddenly severe anxiety

March 29, 2016 5:58 AM

It's been a long time coming, but today my ability to cope with the pressure in my life collapsed, and now I don't know what to do. I'm looking for guidance from others who've gone through this sort of thing.

This morning on my way out the door for work, something in my mind gave way, and suddenly all the feelings of frustration, anger at myself and self-loathing I usually ignore filled my head. There was nothing else in the world.

I panicked, ran back inside. My wife, understandably, was shocked and scared when I sobbed to her that I can't handle work, that I can't do it anymore. I don't think she knows how to handle it any better than I do. She's gone to work, so we haven't talked about it anymore.

I don't know how to move forward from this, which is what I'm hoping people here can help with. I know where it came from; I hate my job and I hate myself for choosing it. I've always had bad self-esteem issues. It sounds dramatic but it's true: all my life I've hated the person I saw when I looked in the mirror.

I can't quit my job because that would result in enormous pressure on my wife trying to support us both. Going back to school is out for the same reason. I've quit jobs because I hated them before and it hasn't really helped, obviously. I don't know how that could ever change.

We've talked before about the way I feel about my career, and my issues with self-esteem, but this morning was a bad surprise to us both. None of this pressure is new, but this morning I lost my ability to deal with it. I need to find a way to fix it, but I don't know how to.

I'm in Toronto, if anyone here has any experience, professionally or personally, with these types of issues, I'd really appreciate your help.

posted by anonymous to Human Relations (16 answers total)

Chronic anxiety/debilitating panic attacks = therapy. This is a health/fitness question, not a human relations question. If you had a debilitating stomach ailment or migraines or a knee that didn't work, you'd seek out a busload of docs to help you fix it/mitigate symptoms, etc. Do the same for your mental health. You deserve it, and if you don't believe that, then do it because your wife deserves it.
posted by headnsouth at 6:02 AM on March 29, 2016 [19 favorites]

Please make an appointment with your doctor, and explain what happened. Stress, anxiety, and panic attacks are valid reasons for getting medical help.
posted by MonkeyToes at 6:03 AM on March 29, 2016 [7 favorites]

I have so been there. Sudden attacks which leave you helpless. This is a medical issue. You are not experiencing these because you are somehow lacking as a human being. Go see your doctor. If he or she does not provide the help you need find another. After you are stable biochemically you might then pursue therapy, learning mediation etc.
Hopefully you can nip this in the bud and get better soon.
Wishing you a speedy recovery.
posted by jtexman1 at 6:09 AM on March 29, 2016 [11 favorites]

In my experience, breakdowns can happen when challenges exceed coping resources. It is nothing to be ashamed of; it is simple laws of physics, just like a bridge collapses under too much weight. And there are lots of things you can do. Try not to fixate too much on fixing everything or having a plan; this will take time, and right now you need to get through the day, so think short-term first. Here are some suggestions that helped me:

Reduce your short-term challenges: take a day off work, or preferably a week off work. Reduce your immediate commitments and sources of stress; pare it down to the bare minimum. Cancel anything you can.

Increase your short-term coping resources: exercise; go for a walk to clear your head; get a massage; do something nice for yourself. Reach out to some friends for support and validation. Eat some healthy tasty food. Consider anti-anxiety medication if you are struggling to function. There are other coping resources which are long-term maladaptive like alcohol, caffeine, sugar, cigarettes, television etc; I won't recommend these as a strategy, but if you are in a crisis, reach out for what works for you until you feel better able to function.

Increase your long-term coping resources: therapy, to build life skills for managing stress and anxiety and improving self-esteem. Build stronger relationships and support networks around you. Build healthier habits; improve your diet and fitness; wean yourself off of maladaptive substances.

Reduce your long-term challenges: in conjunction with your therapy, build a plan towards a better life and a career that will work better for you. Think about your living environment and whether it's working for you (stressful commute? isolation? etc). Try to unravel the negative patterns in your head that weigh on you.

P.S. One of the root problems for me was a persistent thought that I could only do things for myself once everything else was taken care of. Time for myself always came last on the priority list. In doing so my coping resources always dwindled to nothing. I had to flip this around; one's own resources need to come first; one need to be resourced before one can take anything on. Now is the time to take time for yourself.
posted by PercussivePaul at 6:25 AM on March 29, 2016 [10 favorites]

Therapist, doctor.

IANAD but maybe magnesium, b-vitamins, choline while you wait.

Also, maybe this book while you wait (it's actually not cheesy):

http://www.amazon.com/Self-Therapy-Step---Step-Cutting-Edge-Psychotherapy/dp/0984392777/
posted by zeek321 at 6:29 AM on March 29, 2016 [2 favorites]

I've been there, too. It's not something to be ashamed of. For me, the panic attack highlighted some of my BEST personal and career characteristics. I was in a really bad situation at work and my determination, resolve, and work ethic made me stop paying attention to to the stresses I was putting on my family, my coworkers, and my body. I was miserable, but was so committed to working through it I was just trying to power through.

I could not afford to quit, either. But I also couldn't afford to go to the ER thinking I was having a heart attack. I did not choose therapy, but took the plunge and quit. I could not visualize a future of any kind, all I knew was that I had to get out. I had no plan, no job, and a family that depended on me. I've never done anything like that before or since. It took me only about two weeks to heal, which shocked me, and I had another job within three weeks.

What I want you to know is that when you are in this, you really don't have the resources to raise your head up and see your way forward. Sometimes you just have to break the cycle by stepping completely out of it. And while it seems so permanent to quit a job, it really isn't. You are only ending THAT job, not your entire working life!
posted by raisingsand at 6:29 AM on March 29, 2016 [4 favorites]

Have had family members with this problem, and one factor was extremely low Vitamin D, and in one case, low D and B12 at the same time.

The first thing is to get to your GP and get a physical workup and tests for those things, as well as a referral to a therapist, for coping mechanisms, and a prescribing psych doctor if needed (often mental health centers will have you evaluated with a therapist and then another appt with a prescribing psych nurse or doctor after the initial evaluation). Then a course of treatment, whether it's therapy, or therapy and meds combined, which often works better than one or the other alone.

Also, seasonal changes, particularly Spring, can be very hard on some people. You might be low in D, the weather still crappy, and for some reason certain people don't handle Spring very well (you would think it would be the holiday season, but Spring is often a tipping point). So please get a physical work up and some referrals for help.
posted by Marie Mon Dieu at 6:48 AM on March 29, 2016 [1 favorite]

Medication, therapy, and an artistic outlet. You aren't supposed to hate your job sometimes but you aren't supposed to hate yourself. You are the way you are for a purpose. You need to find your purpose. Prayer helps.

The medication and therapy together can lift you up out of where you are to start the healing process. It doesn't necessarily mean that you will always need it.
posted by myselfasme at 7:14 AM on March 29, 2016 [2 favorites]

I know it's not the same for everyone, but just as a positive anecdotal experience, I can tell you that a very short course of therapy and inexpensive, no-side-effect, daily medication have been an absolute life changer for me. Please speak to your doctor or a medical health professional today. It's very hard to make that call, but it may be the best thing you ever do for yourself and your family. You can MeMail or email me if you need some more personal encouragement. I'm not familiar enough with the Canadian health system to give you specific advice on what to do, but if you can't get in to see your doctor (or a doctor) today, I would consider an inability to leave the house a mental health emergency and would go to the Emergency Department of a local hospital for urgent care, if that is an option.
posted by Rock Steady at 8:52 AM on March 29, 2016 [1 favorite]

Also, as someone who has experienced severe anxiety: for me, besides talking to my doctor about it, knowledge of how it works helped me a lot. Learning about it didn't fix it, but the way I was able to handle it mentally was vastly improved from when it began, when I knew nothing about it except panic and freezing up.

In the short term, biofeedback from a licensed biofeedback therapist helped me a ton, also. :) (There is hard evidence that it is effective for anxiety. Not so much for a lot of other conditions, however.) In my case, I have not really needed to go back since my initial few months of treatment, but YMMV. Some people do it longer term, some people do it once in a while once they get the hang of it. At first I had trouble doing it - I started getting anxious about doing the thing that was going to help me be not-anxious! - but it got easier as I progressed.
posted by bitterkitten at 8:57 AM on March 29, 2016

Yes, definitely been there, done that. Therapy did me worlds of good, along with supporting medication. I know the feeling you describe SO WELL - but you don't have to live this way.
posted by RogueTech at 9:27 AM on March 29, 2016 [1 favorite]

to paraphrase my shrink, "to believe you should be handling this by yourself is basically an ignorant and cruel expectation. people who are this stuck need help. probably medical help at this stage. I advise you to begin anti-depressants and CBT now. today."

I think (a) please be kind to yourself (b) get an appointment.
posted by j_curiouser at 9:30 AM on March 29, 2016 [3 favorites]

I wanted to second biofeedback (also known as neurofeedback) treatment for anxiety. I found it extremely effective and it's good if you can't or don't want to take medication. I would describe it as it helped me take control of my brain back from the panic.

ETA - sometimes/frequently you can find someone who will do it in conjunction with providing therapy - that can be a good double-whammy.

Good luck. Anxiety is super common and super awful.
posted by john_snow at 9:30 AM on March 29, 2016

Make an appointment to meet with a psychiatrist. The sudden change in your anxiety levels could be a chemical imbalance, but it sounds like in addition to potential treatment for the imbalance, you should really be talking with a therapist to address these stressors in your life.

If this overwhelming anxiety continues to persist or reoccur, you may want to look at a temporary leave of absence for "medical reasons", which would require the support of your doctor, the psychiatrist. Some companies may provide for a leave of absence due to mental health - take a look at your workplace HR policy to gain a preliminary idea of what's available to you. There is also sickness benefit employment insurance with the government of Canada, so you could still collect some income while off work. It would require discussion with your HR department, discussion with the Employment Insurance office, and documentation from your psychiatrist to support your application for leave.
posted by lizbunny at 11:47 AM on March 29, 2016

Hi there. If you are having so much anxiety that you cannot deal with day-to-day life, you might consider being in an inpatient program. CAMH has an inpatient unit that is free to Ontario residents. Please feel free to MeMail me with questions -- I don't know much about the CAMH one, but I could speak to inpatient programs in general.
posted by tickingclock at 12:54 PM on March 29, 2016

This was me 6 months ago. I am almost certain based on what you've said that your problem is the same as my problem: I spent 20 years in a career I hated because I thought it was the only path to self-worth, success and security. Finally I reached the point where my body just said "I HATE THIS AND I'M NOT DOING IT ANYMORE" and literally forced me to listen by essentially shutting my brain down with anxiety. I could no longer argue myself out of all the reasons I had for staying in a career that was destroying me as a person. I think you need to look at this career of yours and decide which is more important - your health and relationship with your wife or this idea that your career is the only path to self-worth/success/whatever. It's not fulfilling you and your subconscious has had enough.

Here's what I would do - I would tender my resignation immediately. I would sit down with your wife and I would discuss priorities in terms of health and being able to maintain a functioning marriage versus short to medium term difficulty supporting yourselves while you solve this. Then I would check into an inpatient psychiatric program (that's what I did) and focus 100% on recovering balance and working on your self-esteem issues. Then after that I would begin working with a career counselor to find out what you really, truly want to be doing and I would then put everything I had into making that happen. There will be extreme difficulty in this path - you may have to swallow your pride and work at Home Depot for a while. You may have to take on debt and go back to school. But the alternative is a non-existence of fighting a sub-conscious that will only progressively grow stronger in saying "NO" to the path you have been pursuing.

You need to change. Your body is telling you so. Take the hint and do the right thing for yourself.
posted by spicynuts at 3:53 PM on March 29, 2016 [3 favorites]