Best mind- & life-shaping reads?
March 6, 2016 12:49 PM Subscribe
I've been reading the excellent Emotional Labor Condensed Thread, and it's shaping the way I think about life. What are other recommendations for great reads that change the way you think about day-to-day life? Other examples I've enjoyed include: Ask vs. Guess Culture, Love Languages... Give me more! Format doesn't matter.
My most life-changing book ever was Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance, but I hadn't read much philosophy before. That makes me think actually, it's time for a re-read!
posted by conkystconk at 1:38 PM on March 6, 2016 [2 favorites]
posted by conkystconk at 1:38 PM on March 6, 2016 [2 favorites]
David Foster Wallace's commencement speech at Kenyon College.
posted by Dalby at 1:45 PM on March 6, 2016 [5 favorites]
posted by Dalby at 1:45 PM on March 6, 2016 [5 favorites]
I just read (this week) this article from Vox on changing habits. The author has also co-written a book, Immunity to Change, which I haven't looked at yet.
From reading the article, however, and particularly from performing the exercise described in it, I have felt a really deep sense of relief and hope towards working on my perpetual writer's block. The exercise begins with your goal, takes the habits that block that goal, and then leads you towards the assumptions that underlie those habits. I was completely blown away to see that my curiosity (which I value very very highly) was also a) the main vehicle for stopping me from writing, through the joys of browsing the internet; and b) was itself motivated at least in part from a fear that I don't have any deep ideas worth sharing. I've read a lot of books on writer's block but for whatever reason it took this simple exercise to lead me to this realization.
posted by Stilling Still Dreaming at 1:48 PM on March 6, 2016 [18 favorites]
From reading the article, however, and particularly from performing the exercise described in it, I have felt a really deep sense of relief and hope towards working on my perpetual writer's block. The exercise begins with your goal, takes the habits that block that goal, and then leads you towards the assumptions that underlie those habits. I was completely blown away to see that my curiosity (which I value very very highly) was also a) the main vehicle for stopping me from writing, through the joys of browsing the internet; and b) was itself motivated at least in part from a fear that I don't have any deep ideas worth sharing. I've read a lot of books on writer's block but for whatever reason it took this simple exercise to lead me to this realization.
posted by Stilling Still Dreaming at 1:48 PM on March 6, 2016 [18 favorites]
Erich Fromm's The Art of Loving. Had a professor in college who assigned it to all his classes, no matter what he was teaching, because he didn't think you should be able to finish college without having read it. I sort-of agree. :)
Fromm rejects love as something magical or mysterious; instead, he thinks it's a skill that one can learn, practice, and improve at. He talks about self-love, erotic love, parental love, brotherly love, and love of God. It's ... maybe the most profoundly wholesome book I've ever read? It's incredibly human and humane, with a clear understanding of how to become a more whole, more fulfilled person.
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 1:48 PM on March 6, 2016 [14 favorites]
Fromm rejects love as something magical or mysterious; instead, he thinks it's a skill that one can learn, practice, and improve at. He talks about self-love, erotic love, parental love, brotherly love, and love of God. It's ... maybe the most profoundly wholesome book I've ever read? It's incredibly human and humane, with a clear understanding of how to become a more whole, more fulfilled person.
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 1:48 PM on March 6, 2016 [14 favorites]
I agree with Eyebrows, though the book IS a product of its times, and there is some problematic gender stuff in The Art of Loving. Still VERY worth a read.
I found Ishmael by Daniel Quinn eye-opening enough to write him a letter about it. (He sent me a nice note back.) Don't let the conceit of a talking gorilla put you off--to younger me, this book was quite revelatory, though I'm not sure how well it holds up.
posted by thebrokedown at 2:16 PM on March 6, 2016 [2 favorites]
I found Ishmael by Daniel Quinn eye-opening enough to write him a letter about it. (He sent me a nice note back.) Don't let the conceit of a talking gorilla put you off--to younger me, this book was quite revelatory, though I'm not sure how well it holds up.
posted by thebrokedown at 2:16 PM on March 6, 2016 [2 favorites]
The Beauty Myth, by Naomi Wolf. I was always sort of feminist (grew up in that sort of household) but reading it in college was a good thunk over the skull wrt how much work still needs to be done.
posted by Tamanna at 2:22 PM on March 6, 2016 [5 favorites]
posted by Tamanna at 2:22 PM on March 6, 2016 [5 favorites]
Borrowed Time, in college, changed the way I lived my life. Paul Monette wrote this memoir about the death of his partner and friend, Roger Horwitz, to AIDS, in 1986. This book, to me, describes love in a way that most people don't ever experience it.
“If later on, as we read this, we might think “How happy we were then!” at least we’ll have that. That as we lived them, these moments, we knew they were important, and that’s all there is.”
― Paul Monette, Borrowed Time: An AIDS Memoir
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 2:28 PM on March 6, 2016 [2 favorites]
“If later on, as we read this, we might think “How happy we were then!” at least we’ll have that. That as we lived them, these moments, we knew they were important, and that’s all there is.”
― Paul Monette, Borrowed Time: An AIDS Memoir
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 2:28 PM on March 6, 2016 [2 favorites]
I have to recommend Empowered by Lifting, which is a whole program but I only bought the eBook as I'm a bit short right now.
Let me tell you this: I had been successful with intuitive eating for years but then it just stopped working. I tried counting calories. Every calorie counter I looked at was telling me my maintenance calorie level was between 1250 and 1450 calories and that only by cutting down to 1200 could I lose weight, and then only veeeeerrrry slloooowllly because my maintenance was already low.
I got a variety of answers on the theme of "yeah, calorie counting sucks, but if it's not working you're probably not starving yourself hard/accurately enough" together with various well-intentioned insinuations that most people are extremely self-deceptive about what they eat, that most people are really eating gigantic portions with no awareness that they're doing so, and therefore I must be, too. Combined with the quasi-superstitious stuff like, only eat naked under a waxing or full moon. Stop eating prunes aftr 7:37pm. Cut out carbs because they are evil, somehow.
I tried, and continually failed, on this calorie level for 3 years and of course, since I kept breaking my diet, I was only gaining weight. Since I was aso trying to starve myself, I was lethargic and demotivated and generally acting like a starving person, because half the time I was a starving person. So I got the worst of both worlds.
After following the plan described by the Empowered system, do you know what my maintenance intake actually is? 1900. I am now LOSING weight on >1750 calories, it was >1700 but I was losing weight at twice the recommended weight so I had to up my calories. Everything about my weight is behaving exactly like the system says it will.
No wonder dieting previously was not working. I was fucking starving. I am convinced that all diet advice is generated by a content mill owned by Terry Pratchett's Famine character.
And I say this as a soft, chewy, undisciplined person who sort of does HIIT for the shortest possible amount of time most days a week... mostly. It is not only for pole-dancing bodybuilding powerlifting Arnie types, thought I have no doubt that I could become that type if I chose to.
posted by tel3path at 2:40 PM on March 6, 2016 [13 favorites]
Let me tell you this: I had been successful with intuitive eating for years but then it just stopped working. I tried counting calories. Every calorie counter I looked at was telling me my maintenance calorie level was between 1250 and 1450 calories and that only by cutting down to 1200 could I lose weight, and then only veeeeerrrry slloooowllly because my maintenance was already low.
I got a variety of answers on the theme of "yeah, calorie counting sucks, but if it's not working you're probably not starving yourself hard/accurately enough" together with various well-intentioned insinuations that most people are extremely self-deceptive about what they eat, that most people are really eating gigantic portions with no awareness that they're doing so, and therefore I must be, too. Combined with the quasi-superstitious stuff like, only eat naked under a waxing or full moon. Stop eating prunes aftr 7:37pm. Cut out carbs because they are evil, somehow.
I tried, and continually failed, on this calorie level for 3 years and of course, since I kept breaking my diet, I was only gaining weight. Since I was aso trying to starve myself, I was lethargic and demotivated and generally acting like a starving person, because half the time I was a starving person. So I got the worst of both worlds.
After following the plan described by the Empowered system, do you know what my maintenance intake actually is? 1900. I am now LOSING weight on >1750 calories, it was >1700 but I was losing weight at twice the recommended weight so I had to up my calories. Everything about my weight is behaving exactly like the system says it will.
No wonder dieting previously was not working. I was fucking starving. I am convinced that all diet advice is generated by a content mill owned by Terry Pratchett's Famine character.
And I say this as a soft, chewy, undisciplined person who sort of does HIIT for the shortest possible amount of time most days a week... mostly. It is not only for pole-dancing bodybuilding powerlifting Arnie types, thought I have no doubt that I could become that type if I chose to.
posted by tel3path at 2:40 PM on March 6, 2016 [13 favorites]
I read POCKET-SIZED FEMINISM, by Blythe Baird a couple of weeks ago, and a few days later, a stranger used a gendered insult at one of my female friends. Another female friend demanded that he apologize, and I physically got in his face (I'm pretty small) and demanded the same thing. After a 10-15 minute standoff, he finally apologized. I don't know if I would have done anything if I hadn't read this piece, and apparently my friend had read something really similar right beforehand, too.
posted by loulou718 at 3:16 PM on March 6, 2016 [5 favorites]
posted by loulou718 at 3:16 PM on March 6, 2016 [5 favorites]
Feminism is for Everybody by bell hooks
posted by winterportage at 3:18 PM on March 6, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by winterportage at 3:18 PM on March 6, 2016 [1 favorite]
The Gift of Fear had a profound effect on me -- about listening to (and trusting) my instincts in general, too, not just in the face of danger. This AskMe on "Dating Warning Phrases" was great reinforcement, and it has absolutely changed my life for the better.
The "Hi, Whatcha reading?" thread has gotta be up there somewhere, too.
posted by argonauta at 3:57 PM on March 6, 2016 [6 favorites]
The "Hi, Whatcha reading?" thread has gotta be up there somewhere, too.
posted by argonauta at 3:57 PM on March 6, 2016 [6 favorites]
Gretchen Rubin's three most recent books, but especially Better Than Before. In the book, she outlines different frameworks (there's a quiz here) that explain how various personality types develop habits. I've found it to be a very interesting way to look at myself as well as others. She also discusses other concepts that have shaped my thinking.
posted by katie at 4:07 PM on March 6, 2016 [3 favorites]
posted by katie at 4:07 PM on March 6, 2016 [3 favorites]
Following up on the Fromm, but more directly feminist: bell hooks "All About Love" seems aligned with your other interests. In the same vein: I haven't gotten around to reading "Nonviolent Communication" yet, but hear good things about it. I have read "How To Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk", which is kind like a condensed version of Nonviolent Communication from what I hear, and has a lot of info that is good for adult-adult communication as well. I also haven't read anything by Brene Brown yet, but her TED talks are quite excellent. There's also the Captain Awkward advice blog.
Some of the other reads that have strongly affected my perspective on life have been a bit more indiosyncratic to my background and interests. Without further info, I'll stick to the above list of recommendations that are similar to what you mentioned in the post.
posted by eviemath at 4:13 PM on March 6, 2016 [1 favorite]
Some of the other reads that have strongly affected my perspective on life have been a bit more indiosyncratic to my background and interests. Without further info, I'll stick to the above list of recommendations that are similar to what you mentioned in the post.
posted by eviemath at 4:13 PM on March 6, 2016 [1 favorite]
That's Not What I Meant by Deborah Tannen. It very much changed how I heard what people said.
posted by still_wears_a_hat at 4:21 PM on March 6, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by still_wears_a_hat at 4:21 PM on March 6, 2016 [1 favorite]
Difficult Conversations.
After the Honeymoon (there are newer editions)
posted by 2 cats in the yard at 4:31 PM on March 6, 2016 [1 favorite]
After the Honeymoon (there are newer editions)
posted by 2 cats in the yard at 4:31 PM on March 6, 2016 [1 favorite]
Lila by Michael pirsig has given me a simple but incredibly robust explanation of why things are the way they are that has survived my every attempt to break it.
posted by Sebmojo at 4:34 PM on March 6, 2016
posted by Sebmojo at 4:34 PM on March 6, 2016
The Power of Habit blew my mind because of how simple the author presented habits of the masses. It' an easy read.
The book has encouraged me to take advantage of the power of habits.
posted by qsysopr at 4:36 PM on March 6, 2016
The book has encouraged me to take advantage of the power of habits.
posted by qsysopr at 4:36 PM on March 6, 2016
Response by poster: Thank you all for all the great suggestions. I will clarify that I am definitely open to a broader set of topics. E.g., I found Alison Green's Ask A Manager blog to being equally as amazing. So definitely feel free to throw me other topics.
posted by ellerhodes at 4:53 PM on March 6, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by ellerhodes at 4:53 PM on March 6, 2016 [1 favorite]
Come As You Are, particularly if you are a female-bodied person or are intimate with female-bodied people.
posted by jeoc at 5:00 PM on March 6, 2016 [5 favorites]
posted by jeoc at 5:00 PM on March 6, 2016 [5 favorites]
Your Money or Your Life. It's dated on the surface but the basic concepts changed my whole world view on money and work.
Peggy McIntosh's article 'Unpacking the Invisible Knapsack'.
Howard Zinn's A Peoples History of the United States.
posted by wannabecounselor at 8:14 PM on March 6, 2016 [3 favorites]
Peggy McIntosh's article 'Unpacking the Invisible Knapsack'.
Howard Zinn's A Peoples History of the United States.
posted by wannabecounselor at 8:14 PM on March 6, 2016 [3 favorites]
The Evolution of Evil by Timothy Anders. The author, a layperson, critically examines the framework of human consciousness as a product of evolution. While most accounts of human consciousness tend to highlight the advantages of this evolutionary adaptation, Anders chooses to examine the negative side of a supposed evolutionary advantage.
As a companion book, the first half of On the Natural History of Destruction by W.G. Sebald, a great read for the writing alone, examines our inability to come to terms with the destruction we bring upon ourselves.
posted by perhapses at 9:24 PM on March 6, 2016 [3 favorites]
As a companion book, the first half of On the Natural History of Destruction by W.G. Sebald, a great read for the writing alone, examines our inability to come to terms with the destruction we bring upon ourselves.
posted by perhapses at 9:24 PM on March 6, 2016 [3 favorites]
Buddhism Clear and Simple. An introduction to Buddhism that does not focus on cultural aspects. Up the Organization. A business book that bears on every organization I've ever been part of. An Intimate History of Humanity. A book that links everyday problems to the sweep of history.
posted by kerf at 9:34 PM on March 6, 2016 [2 favorites]
posted by kerf at 9:34 PM on March 6, 2016 [2 favorites]
So, the dude who wrote The Martian had an earlier piece of flash fiction, The Egg, which is a take on religion and our interpretation of the actions of others.
In a similar bent, Cracked.com's The Monkeysphere talks about Dunbar's Number.
posted by talldean at 9:49 PM on March 6, 2016
In a similar bent, Cracked.com's The Monkeysphere talks about Dunbar's Number.
posted by talldean at 9:49 PM on March 6, 2016
Impro, by Keith Johnstone.
posted by heatvision at 3:17 AM on March 7, 2016 [2 favorites]
posted by heatvision at 3:17 AM on March 7, 2016 [2 favorites]
The Road Less Travelled by M. Scott Peck: also about love, and it changed my thinking
The Dance Of Anger by Harriet Lerner. This was invaluable to me.
What Colour Is Your Parachute by Richard N. Bolles (even if you're not job-hunting)
Women and Self-Esteem by Linda Tschirhart Sanford and Mary Ellen Donovan. This book I think would be helpful to all women and also to men to understand some of what women experience.
SHED Your Stuff, Change Your Life by Julie Morgenstern. Not just about decluttering your physical stuff, although that's certainly included. She also talks about decluttering your time and other things.
The Artist's Way by Julia Cameron. Useful even if you don't think you're an artist or aren't interested in being an artist.
Callings by Gregg Levoy. This was terrific for helping me figure out the direction I needed/wanted to take in life. He also points out that our life's path can change as we grow and that we need to revisit our plan periodically (and this reminds me that it's time for me to do so!).
Being Nobody, Going Nowhere by Ayya Khema, a Western Buddhist nun. The book lays out the elements of Buddhism simply and provides specific steps to implement into your own life. Regardless of whether you think of yourself as spiritual or want to think of yourself as a Buddhist, this book provides tools to work with the problems that all of us face.
I'll probably think of more, but those are my top recommendations.
posted by Amy NM at 5:42 AM on March 7, 2016
The Dance Of Anger by Harriet Lerner. This was invaluable to me.
What Colour Is Your Parachute by Richard N. Bolles (even if you're not job-hunting)
Women and Self-Esteem by Linda Tschirhart Sanford and Mary Ellen Donovan. This book I think would be helpful to all women and also to men to understand some of what women experience.
SHED Your Stuff, Change Your Life by Julie Morgenstern. Not just about decluttering your physical stuff, although that's certainly included. She also talks about decluttering your time and other things.
The Artist's Way by Julia Cameron. Useful even if you don't think you're an artist or aren't interested in being an artist.
Callings by Gregg Levoy. This was terrific for helping me figure out the direction I needed/wanted to take in life. He also points out that our life's path can change as we grow and that we need to revisit our plan periodically (and this reminds me that it's time for me to do so!).
Being Nobody, Going Nowhere by Ayya Khema, a Western Buddhist nun. The book lays out the elements of Buddhism simply and provides specific steps to implement into your own life. Regardless of whether you think of yourself as spiritual or want to think of yourself as a Buddhist, this book provides tools to work with the problems that all of us face.
I'll probably think of more, but those are my top recommendations.
posted by Amy NM at 5:42 AM on March 7, 2016
I knew I'd think of more.
Very old, but The First Ms Reader contains the still relevant essay, "I Want A Wife" among many others. This book introduced me to feminism when I was barely in my 20s and it was one of the first that made me rethink everything I had taken for granted about women and male-female relationships.
Outrageous Acts And Everyday Rebellions by Gloria Steinem.
The answers in this thread, especially this much favourited one by Nattie. I will never forget the concept of Confident Friend.
posted by Amy NM at 6:08 AM on March 7, 2016 [1 favorite]
Very old, but The First Ms Reader contains the still relevant essay, "I Want A Wife" among many others. This book introduced me to feminism when I was barely in my 20s and it was one of the first that made me rethink everything I had taken for granted about women and male-female relationships.
Outrageous Acts And Everyday Rebellions by Gloria Steinem.
The answers in this thread, especially this much favourited one by Nattie. I will never forget the concept of Confident Friend.
posted by Amy NM at 6:08 AM on March 7, 2016 [1 favorite]
I just read (this week) this article from Vox on changing habits. The author has also co-written a book, Immunity to Change, which I haven't looked at yet.
I have read Immunity to Change, and it's awesome, and I always recommend it in questions like this!
posted by aka burlap at 11:13 AM on March 7, 2016
I have read Immunity to Change, and it's awesome, and I always recommend it in questions like this!
posted by aka burlap at 11:13 AM on March 7, 2016
I came in to recommend Immunity to Change as well, but I see two others have beat me to it...
I took a class in grad school with Robert Kegan, one of the authors, in which he went through the exercise covered in the book. It was life-changing. The description of the book sounds business-focused, but it's really not. In fact, I think the ITC framework works just as well for personal stuff too. Highly, highly recommended.
posted by spectacularicity at 12:30 PM on March 7, 2016 [1 favorite]
I took a class in grad school with Robert Kegan, one of the authors, in which he went through the exercise covered in the book. It was life-changing. The description of the book sounds business-focused, but it's really not. In fact, I think the ITC framework works just as well for personal stuff too. Highly, highly recommended.
posted by spectacularicity at 12:30 PM on March 7, 2016 [1 favorite]
Finite and Infinite Games.
"There are at least two kinds of games. One could be called finite, the other infinite. A finite game is played for the purpose of winning, an infinite game for the purpose of continuing the play."
From these simple definitions, James Carse introduces a powerful lens to human endeavor. We choose whether to participate or turn an activity into a finite or an infinite game, with profound consequences.
posted by storybored at 12:16 PM on March 8, 2016 [1 favorite]
"There are at least two kinds of games. One could be called finite, the other infinite. A finite game is played for the purpose of winning, an infinite game for the purpose of continuing the play."
From these simple definitions, James Carse introduces a powerful lens to human endeavor. We choose whether to participate or turn an activity into a finite or an infinite game, with profound consequences.
posted by storybored at 12:16 PM on March 8, 2016 [1 favorite]
Jules Evans' Philosophy for Life and Other Dangerous Situations, a great look at how ancient Greek and Roman philosophy can be put to effective use today.
posted by dashdash at 8:46 PM on March 8, 2016
posted by dashdash at 8:46 PM on March 8, 2016
Learning Good Consent - way back when I picked it up and read it, it was one of those things I didn't know that I didn't know. It changed the way I participated in minor day-to-day interactions with people.
posted by aniola at 10:38 PM on March 9, 2016
posted by aniola at 10:38 PM on March 9, 2016
I think it focused on sexual consent, but the eye-opener for me was in actually sitting down and reading about consent as a concept and then applying that to everyday life.
posted by aniola at 10:42 PM on March 9, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by aniola at 10:42 PM on March 9, 2016 [1 favorite]
Influence by Cialdini. Covers how persuasion works and why marketing psychology works even if you don't think it will. It's an excellent self defence guide against sales tactics. It also convinced me to start minimizing my exposure to advertising in all forms.
posted by benzenedream at 4:29 AM on March 10, 2016
posted by benzenedream at 4:29 AM on March 10, 2016
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The 7 habits of highly effective people.
Getting to Yes.
posted by Michele in California at 1:16 PM on March 6, 2016 [3 favorites]