First World Problems
August 19, 2015 4:48 AM Subscribe
I'm from the first world. I work for a first world company. I receive a first world wage. Like many people on this site. You would probably find me completely average.
But I live in a country that is poor, with a lot of inequality.
Here, there are still many people richer than me. The men in suits that own businesses. Or the footballers. Or the politicians.
I don't know those people. The people I do know usually earn less than I do. Often much less. I don't come from a particularly well-off family, and moving here kicked me up the social ladder. So some people I know - people I generally feel quite "equal" to - often have financial problems. I've learned that it's better to give money than to lend it.
Last week I received a raise. It was a nice gesture that otherwise meant little. Until I realised it (the raise alone) was larger than the local minimum wage.
Earlier that week, my wife and I ate (as a treat) at one of the better restaurants in town. It cost half what most people live on for a month. Including, I suspect, the waiters (it's one of those countries where the amount you earn is signalled by your skin colour).
The same day I talked to the maintenance guy for our apartment building and paid (quietly, because I don't want a reputation for being "soft") half the medical bill for his hip replacement. I come from a country with universal health care.
The rich, old ladies in other apartments are quite openly dismissive of the poor: "it's their fault"; "they are stupid / lazy / unreliable". Everyone (except us) has a maid.
All the above makes me uncomfortable. I don't want to be "served" by people so much poorer than I am. I don't despise them. I don't want to be in charge of people's lives. I don't want to be the magic father christmas of money that solves their problems. I don't want to be so different. But I do want (greedily, I suppose) to live the kind of life I am used to. And I'd like to save for retirement too (if I ever moved back home, I probably couldn't afford to buy a house).
How do people balance this? I have no-one to share this weirdness with. I don't know any other ex-pats (I find that community pretty odd and am looking at obtaining citizenship here). I can see the argument that spending money locally helps the economy, but I feel so conspicuous doing so that I actively avoid it.
So I am starting to look for support in literature. Colonial novels are depressingly relevant, but rather dated. Can you suggest recommendations? It doesn't have to be fiction. I know a little moral philosophy (Peter Singer addresses these issues, for example). Is there anything else that can guide me?
Here, there are still many people richer than me. The men in suits that own businesses. Or the footballers. Or the politicians.
I don't know those people. The people I do know usually earn less than I do. Often much less. I don't come from a particularly well-off family, and moving here kicked me up the social ladder. So some people I know - people I generally feel quite "equal" to - often have financial problems. I've learned that it's better to give money than to lend it.
Last week I received a raise. It was a nice gesture that otherwise meant little. Until I realised it (the raise alone) was larger than the local minimum wage.
Earlier that week, my wife and I ate (as a treat) at one of the better restaurants in town. It cost half what most people live on for a month. Including, I suspect, the waiters (it's one of those countries where the amount you earn is signalled by your skin colour).
The same day I talked to the maintenance guy for our apartment building and paid (quietly, because I don't want a reputation for being "soft") half the medical bill for his hip replacement. I come from a country with universal health care.
The rich, old ladies in other apartments are quite openly dismissive of the poor: "it's their fault"; "they are stupid / lazy / unreliable". Everyone (except us) has a maid.
All the above makes me uncomfortable. I don't want to be "served" by people so much poorer than I am. I don't despise them. I don't want to be in charge of people's lives. I don't want to be the magic father christmas of money that solves their problems. I don't want to be so different. But I do want (greedily, I suppose) to live the kind of life I am used to. And I'd like to save for retirement too (if I ever moved back home, I probably couldn't afford to buy a house).
How do people balance this? I have no-one to share this weirdness with. I don't know any other ex-pats (I find that community pretty odd and am looking at obtaining citizenship here). I can see the argument that spending money locally helps the economy, but I feel so conspicuous doing so that I actively avoid it.
So I am starting to look for support in literature. Colonial novels are depressingly relevant, but rather dated. Can you suggest recommendations? It doesn't have to be fiction. I know a little moral philosophy (Peter Singer addresses these issues, for example). Is there anything else that can guide me?
I know a little moral philosophy (Peter Singer addresses these issues, for example). Is there anything else that can guide me?
I think Peter Singer, unless he's changed his tune, would tell you to give away a lot of your money. A large chunk of it. Are you saying you want another option? Because Singer would tell you to give away most of your retirement money?
How about hiring people at good wages (relative to local conditions) to do things that benefit the community while benefiting you? You pay a cleaner in cash and in schooling. Or you pay a cleaner in cash and pay for daycare for her children.
Women are the center of society. Help them and you help everybody. Start (or contribute to) a school to teach women how to start and run businesses. Invest in a few yourself if you see genuine profit potential in their businesses.
Or are there children living in the streets near you? Start (or contribute to) a private boarding school for some of them. Get them off the street, feed and clothe them, educate them, show them how to get ahead, and end poverty in their families at their generation. Selection would be tricky -- you would have to pick just a few rather. Don't spread your resources too thinly.
Find qualified foreigners willing to help in exchange for food, a simple place to sleep, and the satisfaction of doing good for people who need help.
But you almost always do more good by contributing money to experts in existing organizations rather than by trying to do everything yourself. You aren't Chile Solidario.
posted by pracowity at 5:35 AM on August 19, 2015 [11 favorites]
I think Peter Singer, unless he's changed his tune, would tell you to give away a lot of your money. A large chunk of it. Are you saying you want another option? Because Singer would tell you to give away most of your retirement money?
How about hiring people at good wages (relative to local conditions) to do things that benefit the community while benefiting you? You pay a cleaner in cash and in schooling. Or you pay a cleaner in cash and pay for daycare for her children.
Women are the center of society. Help them and you help everybody. Start (or contribute to) a school to teach women how to start and run businesses. Invest in a few yourself if you see genuine profit potential in their businesses.
Or are there children living in the streets near you? Start (or contribute to) a private boarding school for some of them. Get them off the street, feed and clothe them, educate them, show them how to get ahead, and end poverty in their families at their generation. Selection would be tricky -- you would have to pick just a few rather. Don't spread your resources too thinly.
Find qualified foreigners willing to help in exchange for food, a simple place to sleep, and the satisfaction of doing good for people who need help.
But you almost always do more good by contributing money to experts in existing organizations rather than by trying to do everything yourself. You aren't Chile Solidario.
posted by pracowity at 5:35 AM on August 19, 2015 [11 favorites]
Perhaps a budget would help, where x% goes to help those around you, y% goes to retirement, z% goes to mad money for eating out etc. When x is gone, it's gone. This way things are balanced and you don't have to think about it too much.
posted by jabah at 5:40 AM on August 19, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by jabah at 5:40 AM on August 19, 2015 [2 favorites]
The short answer, in my opinion, is you think of some small ways in which you can make a difference without sacrificing your future financial stability, and decide you're okay with that. You can always revisit the ways in which you choose to make a difference based on your situation. And there is no truly satisfying answer here. There's no trading places with people, no giving your privilege to someone else. So the next best thing, in my opinion, is using some of your advantages to help those with fewer advantages.
Side note: I think it'd be productive to recognize that there are differences between the culture of your origin and of your present circumstances. People make less but it's likely that things also cost less. So when it comes to paying people for services, I don't see any wrongdoing on your part as long as you pay people fairly for their work. I have not been in this situation myself but I have heard from those living in similar situations that when they paid their housekeeper more than other housekeepers, people understandably talked and the housekeeper making more money ultimately received more grief than the money was worth to her. Things like this do not occur in a vacuum. So strive to thread the needle.
posted by kat518 at 5:43 AM on August 19, 2015
Side note: I think it'd be productive to recognize that there are differences between the culture of your origin and of your present circumstances. People make less but it's likely that things also cost less. So when it comes to paying people for services, I don't see any wrongdoing on your part as long as you pay people fairly for their work. I have not been in this situation myself but I have heard from those living in similar situations that when they paid their housekeeper more than other housekeepers, people understandably talked and the housekeeper making more money ultimately received more grief than the money was worth to her. Things like this do not occur in a vacuum. So strive to thread the needle.
posted by kat518 at 5:43 AM on August 19, 2015
Response by poster: i guess i'm also interested in why i have to start a school and employ a maid, while you guys presumably get to live the first world life guilt-free. there's a question on askme now asking for recommendations for a "semi-fancy" meal that budgets more than we spent. it's not a question about how i single-handedly fix a country; it's about balancing completely inconsistent standards.
posted by andrewcooke at 5:44 AM on August 19, 2015 [10 favorites]
posted by andrewcooke at 5:44 AM on August 19, 2015 [10 favorites]
There's no reason you should feel any guiltier than someone living in a developed country with the same salary. But many would say that that person bears some responsibility for trying to improve the lives of less fortunate people in their community, too.
I think the other thing that might be driving these answers is the assumption that if you are living in a country where most people make much less than you, that you are able to save a lot of your income. That may not be true, if you are living a very different lifestyle from most people (you have plumbing, electricity, a car, etc. and they do not).
posted by chaiminda at 6:16 AM on August 19, 2015
I think the other thing that might be driving these answers is the assumption that if you are living in a country where most people make much less than you, that you are able to save a lot of your income. That may not be true, if you are living a very different lifestyle from most people (you have plumbing, electricity, a car, etc. and they do not).
posted by chaiminda at 6:16 AM on August 19, 2015
You could just get over yourself. You can not afford to buy a house in your home country. You aren't doing that well. Start saving up for retirement. You are a visitor in another country. You would not go to a friend's house and start moving around the furniture. It isn't your place to fix things.
That being said, it may be your calling. If their poverty and political system bothers you that much then you should try to change it. If it isn't your calling, then it just isn't. Stop giving out pity sums. It makes you feel better but doesn't help anything in the long run.
posted by myselfasme at 6:21 AM on August 19, 2015 [26 favorites]
That being said, it may be your calling. If their poverty and political system bothers you that much then you should try to change it. If it isn't your calling, then it just isn't. Stop giving out pity sums. It makes you feel better but doesn't help anything in the long run.
posted by myselfasme at 6:21 AM on August 19, 2015 [26 favorites]
As to why you have to give your money to the people around you because your middle-class income is significant where you life and those of us who live where our middle-class income is not so much more than the people around us don't have to share it, I offer the principle that all of us have a duty to share our excess with those who have less.
Fundamentally, I believe that any surplus you have: wealth, time, intelligence, skill, tomatoes in your garden imposes a social obligation of generosity upon you. I do not believe government has the authority to mandate your generosity, nor do I believe the social obligation extends to the entirety of your surplus. Nonetheless, I remain convinced that society only works when each of us accepts some responsibility for the needs of people with less.
It is not solely about wealth, either, even if wealth or conspicuous consumption is the easiest target when you try to encourage charity. You have what appears to be obviously more money than the people around you and sharing it is probably the lowest friction means of meeting an impulse to or obligation of generosity. It's not what creates it.
I make a moderate wage in an expensive country. I do give a fair amount of my income to charity, but most of what I have in excess is education and time--so that is what I give (mostly to legal aid agencies) That is what my duty is--share what I have in abundance.
I know many people in my expensive country who make very little money indeed, but who have an excess of compassion. They give that--they raise other people's children when the child's parents cannot; they cook in church kitchens; they give their time, too. it is what they have in excess.
Ultimately, you decide whether or not you agree that we all have a duty to one another, whether we meet it through money or time or compassion. But it does not arise from your money, it comes from your humanity.
posted by crush-onastick at 6:26 AM on August 19, 2015 [19 favorites]
Fundamentally, I believe that any surplus you have: wealth, time, intelligence, skill, tomatoes in your garden imposes a social obligation of generosity upon you. I do not believe government has the authority to mandate your generosity, nor do I believe the social obligation extends to the entirety of your surplus. Nonetheless, I remain convinced that society only works when each of us accepts some responsibility for the needs of people with less.
It is not solely about wealth, either, even if wealth or conspicuous consumption is the easiest target when you try to encourage charity. You have what appears to be obviously more money than the people around you and sharing it is probably the lowest friction means of meeting an impulse to or obligation of generosity. It's not what creates it.
I make a moderate wage in an expensive country. I do give a fair amount of my income to charity, but most of what I have in excess is education and time--so that is what I give (mostly to legal aid agencies) That is what my duty is--share what I have in abundance.
I know many people in my expensive country who make very little money indeed, but who have an excess of compassion. They give that--they raise other people's children when the child's parents cannot; they cook in church kitchens; they give their time, too. it is what they have in excess.
Ultimately, you decide whether or not you agree that we all have a duty to one another, whether we meet it through money or time or compassion. But it does not arise from your money, it comes from your humanity.
posted by crush-onastick at 6:26 AM on August 19, 2015 [19 favorites]
I feel a lot of guilt! I mean, if it helps. I live in a poor neighborhood and have a pink collar gig with good insurance.
I think this is a good idea:
Perhaps a budget would help, where x% goes to help those around you, y% goes to retirement, z% goes to mad money for eating out etc. When x is gone, it's gone. This way things are balanced and you don't have to think about it too much.
Except that I would put a little aside each month in an "OMG I have to help this person right now" fund - call it category w.
My household has debt. I do some frivolous spending (in keeping with paying down debt). I also try to give money as much as possible, and I don't usually judge. (Like, if some dude on the street asks me for money, I give him a couple of bucks, I don't pull the self-righteous "well, you're just going to spend it on heroin" routine, not least because I've had some good friends who were street homeless and I know people don't just spend it on heroin.) Mainly I just give money away when I can afford it, and I know that's not enough nor is it consistent.
I wouldn't get a maid, personally, no matter how well-paid. I think that one challenge of being richer in a poorer place (and I worked in China before the boom, when I was basically richer) is keeping the rich-person ideas from colonizing your head. And part of that is not getting the idea that you don't have to do ordinary life maintenance stuff like cleaning your own messes. (Obviously if you are sick or disabled or physically frail, that's different.) I think that the more remote you are from the life tasks that ordinary people do, the easier it is to forget what life is like for regular people, and while you can't live an ordinary person's life, you can at least maintain the ability to sweep your own floor and cook your own dinner.
Do you think it would help to have pen-pals? Maybe there are some left-leaning global expat message boards where you could talk about this stuff, come up with strategies, etc. I think you're right that being alone is the issue.
Honestly, I've known so many asshole ex-pats wallowing in their privilege, and I know that even for good people it can be difficult to give up meaningful amounts of money. (What if you need it yourself?!? You earned it!) I also know that being outside both the country you live and and the regular ex-pat community can be really disorienting. (That's how things were for me for my first year back when I was abroad.) You're absolutely right that most of us with stable incomes aren't in your position at all. I think that you're doing something difficult, unusual and worthwhile, and I really respect that.
posted by Frowner at 6:29 AM on August 19, 2015 [9 favorites]
I think this is a good idea:
Perhaps a budget would help, where x% goes to help those around you, y% goes to retirement, z% goes to mad money for eating out etc. When x is gone, it's gone. This way things are balanced and you don't have to think about it too much.
Except that I would put a little aside each month in an "OMG I have to help this person right now" fund - call it category w.
My household has debt. I do some frivolous spending (in keeping with paying down debt). I also try to give money as much as possible, and I don't usually judge. (Like, if some dude on the street asks me for money, I give him a couple of bucks, I don't pull the self-righteous "well, you're just going to spend it on heroin" routine, not least because I've had some good friends who were street homeless and I know people don't just spend it on heroin.) Mainly I just give money away when I can afford it, and I know that's not enough nor is it consistent.
I wouldn't get a maid, personally, no matter how well-paid. I think that one challenge of being richer in a poorer place (and I worked in China before the boom, when I was basically richer) is keeping the rich-person ideas from colonizing your head. And part of that is not getting the idea that you don't have to do ordinary life maintenance stuff like cleaning your own messes. (Obviously if you are sick or disabled or physically frail, that's different.) I think that the more remote you are from the life tasks that ordinary people do, the easier it is to forget what life is like for regular people, and while you can't live an ordinary person's life, you can at least maintain the ability to sweep your own floor and cook your own dinner.
Do you think it would help to have pen-pals? Maybe there are some left-leaning global expat message boards where you could talk about this stuff, come up with strategies, etc. I think you're right that being alone is the issue.
Honestly, I've known so many asshole ex-pats wallowing in their privilege, and I know that even for good people it can be difficult to give up meaningful amounts of money. (What if you need it yourself?!? You earned it!) I also know that being outside both the country you live and and the regular ex-pat community can be really disorienting. (That's how things were for me for my first year back when I was abroad.) You're absolutely right that most of us with stable incomes aren't in your position at all. I think that you're doing something difficult, unusual and worthwhile, and I really respect that.
posted by Frowner at 6:29 AM on August 19, 2015 [9 favorites]
If people aren't answering your question, maybe you didn't ask it.
I don't live guilt-free. Or quilt-free. At least on my part, I was suggesting things you could do because you seemed to feel guilty and want to do something more than you are doing, but then again you seemed to not want to give people money or jobs. A bit of a contradiction. You made it sound as if you are sitting on heaps of cash relative to the destitute local population but you feel reticent to spread it around. Maybe I didn't see that you want a solid philosopher-approved reason not to feel guilty?
I think you and everyone else who can afford it ought to throw an annual pile of money at charities to help feed, house, educate, and employ the poor. Do it right and do it well once a year -- like Scrooge after the ghosts -- get it off your chest, claim it on your taxes if that's your thing, and stop feeling guilty until the same time next year. That's the best and simplest answer. That's your reason not to feel guilty -- because you will have contributed to people in need. Unless your skills are better than your cash -- unless, for example, you're a carpenter and you can build houses for the poor but you can't buy houses for the poor -- anything else is probably going to diminish your effort. Then spend the rest of the year being a fortunate person going about your own fortunate life (and accumulating cash for your next contribution to the unfortunate).
posted by pracowity at 6:43 AM on August 19, 2015 [7 favorites]
I don't live guilt-free. Or quilt-free. At least on my part, I was suggesting things you could do because you seemed to feel guilty and want to do something more than you are doing, but then again you seemed to not want to give people money or jobs. A bit of a contradiction. You made it sound as if you are sitting on heaps of cash relative to the destitute local population but you feel reticent to spread it around. Maybe I didn't see that you want a solid philosopher-approved reason not to feel guilty?
I think you and everyone else who can afford it ought to throw an annual pile of money at charities to help feed, house, educate, and employ the poor. Do it right and do it well once a year -- like Scrooge after the ghosts -- get it off your chest, claim it on your taxes if that's your thing, and stop feeling guilty until the same time next year. That's the best and simplest answer. That's your reason not to feel guilty -- because you will have contributed to people in need. Unless your skills are better than your cash -- unless, for example, you're a carpenter and you can build houses for the poor but you can't buy houses for the poor -- anything else is probably going to diminish your effort. Then spend the rest of the year being a fortunate person going about your own fortunate life (and accumulating cash for your next contribution to the unfortunate).
posted by pracowity at 6:43 AM on August 19, 2015 [7 favorites]
i guess i'm also interested in why i have to start a school and employ a maid, while you guys presumably get to live the first world life guilt-free.
You don't have to do anything. It sounds like you asked this question because you feel guilty but now you're asking, why everyone else doesn't feel guilty. I don't know how everyone else feels, let alone why they feel the way they feel. If you feel guilty about living in a culture where you have more advantages than those around you, you can do something to help those who don't share your advantages. You can also decide that's not your problem. You can do a combination of those things.
You can also be annoyed that you feel guilty for spending money on a nice meal when somewhere, someone else is spending more money on a nice meal (don't those people know that the maintenance guy at your apartment building can't afford his hip replacement????). I would strongly discourage you from taking that path. You don't know if people spending more money on a nice meal just gave 100x that amount to a hospital or if last year, everyone in that person's family died tragically and this is their first meal out since.
It seems like you have a few conflicting feelings - guilt that you're doing comparatively well in your environment while others aren't, yet resentment that somewhere, other people have more money than you. In general, comparing yourself to others is a sure path to madness. Do what you can, the best that you can. Then, no matter what happens, you know that you did the best you could.
posted by kat518 at 6:51 AM on August 19, 2015 [13 favorites]
You don't have to do anything. It sounds like you asked this question because you feel guilty but now you're asking, why everyone else doesn't feel guilty. I don't know how everyone else feels, let alone why they feel the way they feel. If you feel guilty about living in a culture where you have more advantages than those around you, you can do something to help those who don't share your advantages. You can also decide that's not your problem. You can do a combination of those things.
You can also be annoyed that you feel guilty for spending money on a nice meal when somewhere, someone else is spending more money on a nice meal (don't those people know that the maintenance guy at your apartment building can't afford his hip replacement????). I would strongly discourage you from taking that path. You don't know if people spending more money on a nice meal just gave 100x that amount to a hospital or if last year, everyone in that person's family died tragically and this is their first meal out since.
It seems like you have a few conflicting feelings - guilt that you're doing comparatively well in your environment while others aren't, yet resentment that somewhere, other people have more money than you. In general, comparing yourself to others is a sure path to madness. Do what you can, the best that you can. Then, no matter what happens, you know that you did the best you could.
posted by kat518 at 6:51 AM on August 19, 2015 [13 favorites]
How do people balance this?
I think there are a short list of things you can do but ultimately it comes down to your temperament. If you're a person for whom this inequality makes you uneasy, you will be able to mitigate some of that unease, but living someplace where you are confronted with it daily will continue to be a thing for you.
I was interested to read Dark Star Safari: Overland from Cairo to Capetown by Paul Theroux. He spent a lot of time traveling top to bottom in Africa and one of the things he looked at particularly was colonialization and the sort of perpetual-aid culture that typifies some but not all places there. He also talks about how a lot of people in the so-called First World view a lot of African concerns. Very interesting though difficult to read. He is grappling with some of your same concerns, loosely put "What is the best way to help? Is there a best way to help? How do I live with myself at night?"
So things you can do
- establish limits on giving to something you find reasonable, give to charities who you find are doing the most with your money
- try to assess how much money you'd like to pump into the local economy in a budget sort of way
- if you feel like the money issue is too fraught, give generously of your time to help address structural inequality (and you can work within whatever your area is, all areas benefit from having people help make them fairer)
- in short, be honest with yourself about money, the things it gets you, the things it burdens you with. Maybe don't stay silent when other people are making shitty generalizations about poor people or have a few good anecdotes in your pocket that are worth mentioning
i guess I'm also interested in why i have to start a school and employ a maid, while you guys presumably get to live the first world life guilt-free.
I can't speak for others but I suspect many people are not guilt-free on this issue. I'm an activist in part of my life but also (thanks to a combination of luck and good choices, mostly luck) fairly wealthy even relative to a lot of my "first world" age and professional cohort. I do a few things: do volunteer work, sponsor a local scholarship, talk about structural inequality with the people I have "access" to as a result of this, agitate for change, etc. I also don't pretend I'm not well off, most of the time, which is difficult on its own. It's hard because a lot of the narrative of wealth is that you did something to earn this, that you deserve it and that somehow you deserve it more than other people. As you've seen, so much of this is accidental on an individual level.
Inherited wealth and cultural privilege is a big deal, not as frequently discussed, and sort of bad for justice and equality. That's true and you can just know and own that, but you don't have to go dedicate your life to the poor once you figure it out (though yes Peter Singer might say it;s a good idea) but you do need to make your peace with it at some level. You chose where you live, it obviously has advantages for you that aren't just "you are rich here" so think about what those are and think about how you could use some of your advantages to help out those around you and make the place a better place for everyone, not just you.
posted by jessamyn at 6:59 AM on August 19, 2015 [9 favorites]
I think there are a short list of things you can do but ultimately it comes down to your temperament. If you're a person for whom this inequality makes you uneasy, you will be able to mitigate some of that unease, but living someplace where you are confronted with it daily will continue to be a thing for you.
I was interested to read Dark Star Safari: Overland from Cairo to Capetown by Paul Theroux. He spent a lot of time traveling top to bottom in Africa and one of the things he looked at particularly was colonialization and the sort of perpetual-aid culture that typifies some but not all places there. He also talks about how a lot of people in the so-called First World view a lot of African concerns. Very interesting though difficult to read. He is grappling with some of your same concerns, loosely put "What is the best way to help? Is there a best way to help? How do I live with myself at night?"
So things you can do
- establish limits on giving to something you find reasonable, give to charities who you find are doing the most with your money
- try to assess how much money you'd like to pump into the local economy in a budget sort of way
- if you feel like the money issue is too fraught, give generously of your time to help address structural inequality (and you can work within whatever your area is, all areas benefit from having people help make them fairer)
- in short, be honest with yourself about money, the things it gets you, the things it burdens you with. Maybe don't stay silent when other people are making shitty generalizations about poor people or have a few good anecdotes in your pocket that are worth mentioning
i guess I'm also interested in why i have to start a school and employ a maid, while you guys presumably get to live the first world life guilt-free.
I can't speak for others but I suspect many people are not guilt-free on this issue. I'm an activist in part of my life but also (thanks to a combination of luck and good choices, mostly luck) fairly wealthy even relative to a lot of my "first world" age and professional cohort. I do a few things: do volunteer work, sponsor a local scholarship, talk about structural inequality with the people I have "access" to as a result of this, agitate for change, etc. I also don't pretend I'm not well off, most of the time, which is difficult on its own. It's hard because a lot of the narrative of wealth is that you did something to earn this, that you deserve it and that somehow you deserve it more than other people. As you've seen, so much of this is accidental on an individual level.
Inherited wealth and cultural privilege is a big deal, not as frequently discussed, and sort of bad for justice and equality. That's true and you can just know and own that, but you don't have to go dedicate your life to the poor once you figure it out (though yes Peter Singer might say it;s a good idea) but you do need to make your peace with it at some level. You chose where you live, it obviously has advantages for you that aren't just "you are rich here" so think about what those are and think about how you could use some of your advantages to help out those around you and make the place a better place for everyone, not just you.
posted by jessamyn at 6:59 AM on August 19, 2015 [9 favorites]
i guess i'm also interested in why i have to start a school and employ a maid, while you guys presumably get to live the first world life guilt-free.
You don't. Others are reacting because it sounded like you wanted to find ways to help and make social change in your OP. But if "live my current life guilt-free" is the goal, then the root cause of the problem isn't your lifestyle, it's your guilt. I can't specifically recommend literature or other resources but I can definitely recommend therapy, with the goal of "deal with these feelings of guilt".
posted by capricorn at 7:01 AM on August 19, 2015 [7 favorites]
You don't. Others are reacting because it sounded like you wanted to find ways to help and make social change in your OP. But if "live my current life guilt-free" is the goal, then the root cause of the problem isn't your lifestyle, it's your guilt. I can't specifically recommend literature or other resources but I can definitely recommend therapy, with the goal of "deal with these feelings of guilt".
posted by capricorn at 7:01 AM on August 19, 2015 [7 favorites]
I think the first thing you have to do is to accept that you are not living at home and therefore can’t live the exact life you were used to. Part of that means that you will stick out in a way that you wouldn’t back home, no matter what you do. Part of that means that you will be confronted more starkly with things and issues that you wouldn’t have to think about back home. Such is life and it does no good to whinge about it. Even though you don’t like the expat community, you seem to be falling into the trap that defines that community almost everywhere I’ve been: being sort of mad and upset that life in a different place works differently than it does back home, and also being upset that you occupy a different place on the social scale than you did back home (for better or for worse).
Since you have become rich in relationship to the people around you, I think it might help to read up about people who are wealthy in the developed world and who don’t like to flash it around, and read about how they deal with these issues.
Here are some ideas: Talk to a financial planner of some sort and figure out a budget and a long-term plan for managing your money. In the process of doing that, you should figure out where your priorities are, which will help you make decisions about how you want to use your money. If you’re not used to having as much money as you do now (relatively speaking) and you’re not sure how to spend it, start by getting high quality basic things that you will use every day (good shoes, good sheets and blankets, good knives if you cook a lot), and buy good quality food, and buy the cheaper version of everything else until you get your equilibrium back.
You’re right that spending money locally will help the economy, so figure out a way to do it less conspicuously and buy locally when possible. You don't have to go buy big flashy cars to help the local economy; just going to the local market to buy food helps. Don’t skimp on tips if tipping is a thing in the culture, but don’t go overboard. Look into charities and international organizations and consider donating some money to them yearly.
posted by colfax at 7:02 AM on August 19, 2015
Since you have become rich in relationship to the people around you, I think it might help to read up about people who are wealthy in the developed world and who don’t like to flash it around, and read about how they deal with these issues.
Here are some ideas: Talk to a financial planner of some sort and figure out a budget and a long-term plan for managing your money. In the process of doing that, you should figure out where your priorities are, which will help you make decisions about how you want to use your money. If you’re not used to having as much money as you do now (relatively speaking) and you’re not sure how to spend it, start by getting high quality basic things that you will use every day (good shoes, good sheets and blankets, good knives if you cook a lot), and buy good quality food, and buy the cheaper version of everything else until you get your equilibrium back.
You’re right that spending money locally will help the economy, so figure out a way to do it less conspicuously and buy locally when possible. You don't have to go buy big flashy cars to help the local economy; just going to the local market to buy food helps. Don’t skimp on tips if tipping is a thing in the culture, but don’t go overboard. Look into charities and international organizations and consider donating some money to them yearly.
posted by colfax at 7:02 AM on August 19, 2015
Really interesting questions and it shows a thoughtful character that you're thinking about this stuff.
On a practical level, I think that saving for retirement goal is a good one because you can effectively lower your income by immediately locking away a chunk of your money each month. This helps you in the long run and also relieves a bit of that feeling of having so much money.
But it seems to me the reason this is uncomfortable is that it is in fact uncomfortable! Income and resource inequality is a terrible injustice and those of us who don't think of it constantly only do not because we have the privilege you mention plus we avoid looking at the realities around us! There is no making this comfortable. Because it's terrible.
Thinking about literature that touches on this, it all seems pretty depressing. I started to think of post-colonial/late colonial literature and yeah, I don't think it's going to make you feel any better.
Like all of us, you probably just have to lead a life that feels as just as possible by your own standards. In a way, your choice to live somewhere where you can't be shielded from the wickedness of inequality is a strength that perhaps you can feel heartened by.
posted by latkes at 7:19 AM on August 19, 2015 [1 favorite]
On a practical level, I think that saving for retirement goal is a good one because you can effectively lower your income by immediately locking away a chunk of your money each month. This helps you in the long run and also relieves a bit of that feeling of having so much money.
But it seems to me the reason this is uncomfortable is that it is in fact uncomfortable! Income and resource inequality is a terrible injustice and those of us who don't think of it constantly only do not because we have the privilege you mention plus we avoid looking at the realities around us! There is no making this comfortable. Because it's terrible.
Thinking about literature that touches on this, it all seems pretty depressing. I started to think of post-colonial/late colonial literature and yeah, I don't think it's going to make you feel any better.
Like all of us, you probably just have to lead a life that feels as just as possible by your own standards. In a way, your choice to live somewhere where you can't be shielded from the wickedness of inequality is a strength that perhaps you can feel heartened by.
posted by latkes at 7:19 AM on August 19, 2015 [1 favorite]
If I were you, I'd start by thinking about the defensiveness. Your response to some pretty innocuous suggestions is disproportionately hostile and sarcastic. I say that not so much as a criticism but as a suggestion for an area to explore.
My take: you feel guilty and want someone to absolve you of it. I'm afraid No one can do that since the massive inequalities in the world give all of us who, through luck, came out prosperous reasons to feel guilty.
Now it is true that you might have more opprortunities to feel guilty given your proximity to very poor people. If that feels unfair to you, maybe think about how luck plays such a huge role in all our lives. So, maybe it is your bad luck to be more prone to guilt given your up close and personal relationships with the poor, and it is their bad luck (probably mixed in with a great of systematic injustice) to be born in a country with so much poverty.
posted by girl flaneur at 7:23 AM on August 19, 2015 [7 favorites]
My take: you feel guilty and want someone to absolve you of it. I'm afraid No one can do that since the massive inequalities in the world give all of us who, through luck, came out prosperous reasons to feel guilty.
Now it is true that you might have more opprortunities to feel guilty given your proximity to very poor people. If that feels unfair to you, maybe think about how luck plays such a huge role in all our lives. So, maybe it is your bad luck to be more prone to guilt given your up close and personal relationships with the poor, and it is their bad luck (probably mixed in with a great of systematic injustice) to be born in a country with so much poverty.
posted by girl flaneur at 7:23 AM on August 19, 2015 [7 favorites]
Oh, and like other commentators above, I think the healthiest ways of dealing with this kind of guilt is through service and aid. But it sounds like you aren't open to suggestions along this line.
posted by girl flaneur at 7:29 AM on August 19, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by girl flaneur at 7:29 AM on August 19, 2015 [1 favorite]
I moved from a tiny country town in rural Australia where while no one starved no one had a lot of money. A big night out once a month was maybe a meal at the local pub or a few drinks, but not both as that would cost to much. I moved to where the hell Midwest USA to be with my American husband, he made barely enough he could sponsor me to come over, so about what I made in Australia. Then just as the economy crashed out financial situation changed. His career shot up like a skyrocket, we could live a lifestyle similar to yours in the US type levels. But here's the thing we live in a town full of people who have no jobs the economic crash screwed this town over royaly, think a teeny tiny detroit. Through nothing but sheer luck & timing we are the lucky ones that can afford a maid or a gardener if we wanted. The poverty in the US scares the crap out of me, the attitude of people around me that do have more that act as if that makes them better some how scares me even so. How do they stiff the waitress a tip & leave her a religious brochure instead and sleep at night. They talk about race & gender as if they are punishments from God, because if to quote a ex workmate "if God had liked them he'd have made them white". This shit is not just a third world problem, what you are going through is happening in the first world too.
Do I feel guilt? every fucken day of my life a few things that help me live with it. I budget to allow me to help the people/organisations I want each month and still make sure we are financially secure. I correct people when they say stupid racist/classist shit around me. Like you I felt uncomfortable hiring help so we haven't, (hell we waited 5 years to buy a new car) but when I do deal with people less well off financially I do not try to screw them, I pay a generous tip, I treat them with the respect and insist anyone around me at the time do the same. I remember a story I heard & try to do the best I can.
posted by wwax at 7:35 AM on August 19, 2015 [6 favorites]
Do I feel guilt? every fucken day of my life a few things that help me live with it. I budget to allow me to help the people/organisations I want each month and still make sure we are financially secure. I correct people when they say stupid racist/classist shit around me. Like you I felt uncomfortable hiring help so we haven't, (hell we waited 5 years to buy a new car) but when I do deal with people less well off financially I do not try to screw them, I pay a generous tip, I treat them with the respect and insist anyone around me at the time do the same. I remember a story I heard & try to do the best I can.
posted by wwax at 7:35 AM on August 19, 2015 [6 favorites]
Response by poster: i feel like i'm repeating myself, but i'm also being criticised for being sarcastic, for not asking the question, and for wanting to live a guilt-free life in the middle of poverty.
i asked (quite clearly, i thought) for resources on how i balance these many complex, conflicting social issues.
maybe i shouldn't have given examples of what the issues were at all. but then i think i would have been in even more of a mess, fielding answers from people who think having a maid is "win-win", or for whom singer speaks only to others.
also, i thought i included in my examples, cases where i do help others. helping others is not the problem - i have opportunities in abundance. the problem is the moral issue of (simplifying hugely) how many to help and when to stop. and this is an incredibly complex question where you're trying to pick a course through a multicutural minefield.
which is why - and perhaps i didn't emphasise this enough - i was asking for resources - particularly from literature, from people who have shared this experience, rather those who, although obviously well-intended, unfortunately don't seem to have the experience or empathy to see what the problem is.
posted by andrewcooke at 7:55 AM on August 19, 2015
i asked (quite clearly, i thought) for resources on how i balance these many complex, conflicting social issues.
maybe i shouldn't have given examples of what the issues were at all. but then i think i would have been in even more of a mess, fielding answers from people who think having a maid is "win-win", or for whom singer speaks only to others.
also, i thought i included in my examples, cases where i do help others. helping others is not the problem - i have opportunities in abundance. the problem is the moral issue of (simplifying hugely) how many to help and when to stop. and this is an incredibly complex question where you're trying to pick a course through a multicutural minefield.
which is why - and perhaps i didn't emphasise this enough - i was asking for resources - particularly from literature, from people who have shared this experience, rather those who, although obviously well-intended, unfortunately don't seem to have the experience or empathy to see what the problem is.
posted by andrewcooke at 7:55 AM on August 19, 2015
What I am trying to say in my post, is that there is no magic resource that will alleviate your guilt. You have to find what works for you, so people are offering suggestions of things that worked for them. We may not be official resources, but we were trying to help.
posted by wwax at 8:00 AM on August 19, 2015 [9 favorites]
posted by wwax at 8:00 AM on August 19, 2015 [9 favorites]
I don't want to be so different. But I do want (greedily, I suppose) to live the kind of life I am used to. And I'd like to save for retirement too (if I ever moved back home, I probably couldn't afford to buy a house).
Well here's the thing; you can either be so different, or you can not live the life you're used to. You don't actually HAVE an option to be "poor like them" and also saving for retirement and buying a home.
wanting to live a guilt-free life in the middle of poverty.
Have you considered that this is perhaps not a thing that people with consciences can do?
People aren't providing you with books on guilt-free colonialism because those don't exist anymore; we have kind of acknowledged as a culture that white people getting rich in the midst of grinding poverty is a shit deal.
Signed, someone who probably makes a lot less than you and STILL feels guilty every day for the inequities that allow me to live my life. (I really don't know where you got the idea that you're the only one feeling this guilt.)
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 8:01 AM on August 19, 2015 [9 favorites]
Well here's the thing; you can either be so different, or you can not live the life you're used to. You don't actually HAVE an option to be "poor like them" and also saving for retirement and buying a home.
wanting to live a guilt-free life in the middle of poverty.
Have you considered that this is perhaps not a thing that people with consciences can do?
People aren't providing you with books on guilt-free colonialism because those don't exist anymore; we have kind of acknowledged as a culture that white people getting rich in the midst of grinding poverty is a shit deal.
Signed, someone who probably makes a lot less than you and STILL feels guilty every day for the inequities that allow me to live my life. (I really don't know where you got the idea that you're the only one feeling this guilt.)
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 8:01 AM on August 19, 2015 [9 favorites]
To answer your actual question, I believe you are looking for literature on "effective altruism" (a.k.a. "generosity for nerds"). Perhaps start with Wikipedia and the recent Doing Good Better book, and go from there.
To add some personal insight as someone who grew up on the remote (i.e. poor) fringes of the former Soviet Union and is now doing upper-middle-class well financially in the US. I've always related to comparisons between the poor today and the wealthy of yesterday (e.g. would you prefer to live as King Louis XIV or as a poor person today). My personal take is that the distinctions between poor and wealthy are much more fluid than they seem to people who've not personally experienced a life-changing shift between vastly different economies. While the reading on effective altruism can help with the more theoretical side of things, I feel that some empathetic thinking around what "rich" or "poor" means to people whose backgrounds and expectations are significantly different from yours can help with the more visceral side.
posted by rada at 8:03 AM on August 19, 2015 [1 favorite]
To add some personal insight as someone who grew up on the remote (i.e. poor) fringes of the former Soviet Union and is now doing upper-middle-class well financially in the US. I've always related to comparisons between the poor today and the wealthy of yesterday (e.g. would you prefer to live as King Louis XIV or as a poor person today). My personal take is that the distinctions between poor and wealthy are much more fluid than they seem to people who've not personally experienced a life-changing shift between vastly different economies. While the reading on effective altruism can help with the more theoretical side of things, I feel that some empathetic thinking around what "rich" or "poor" means to people whose backgrounds and expectations are significantly different from yours can help with the more visceral side.
posted by rada at 8:03 AM on August 19, 2015 [1 favorite]
What would be different if you had been born rich in the same poor country?
I think you have to find within yourself the emotional resources to live as a well-to-do expatriate in a poor country, and value the things that make you like the place so much that you're contemplating taken it's citizenship.
The alternative is being there for a few years, bitch about the locals throughout your stay, then return home none the (culturally) richer. That's what your typical expat does.
Even where you come from (wherever that is), there are probably pockets of poverty that you never / see / come across of, so if you cannot get used to being relatively rich, then it's better to return home.
I live in a poor country. I know.
posted by Kwadeng at 8:06 AM on August 19, 2015
I think you have to find within yourself the emotional resources to live as a well-to-do expatriate in a poor country, and value the things that make you like the place so much that you're contemplating taken it's citizenship.
The alternative is being there for a few years, bitch about the locals throughout your stay, then return home none the (culturally) richer. That's what your typical expat does.
Even where you come from (wherever that is), there are probably pockets of poverty that you never / see / come across of, so if you cannot get used to being relatively rich, then it's better to return home.
I live in a poor country. I know.
posted by Kwadeng at 8:06 AM on August 19, 2015
I live near Detroit and have lived in Detroit and other poor communities. They aren't necessarily third world poor but there are huge income issues here. I was going to share some thoughts on how to deal with very diverse income inequality - the wealthiest and poorest neighborhoods in Michigan are mere miles from one another - but I don't think you're open to personal stories at this point, if they're based at all in the first world. If I'm wrong, please let me know.
So, I will give you an official resource of sorts - you may want to read up on Tolstoy and reflect on his works - his voluntary ascetic morality was based in religion, but also done in solidarity with the poor. Many of his works address this. Karl Marx - for all the sins laid at his feet - also embraced a voluntarily poor lifestyle and tried to address social inequality through his work.
posted by RogueTech at 8:08 AM on August 19, 2015
So, I will give you an official resource of sorts - you may want to read up on Tolstoy and reflect on his works - his voluntary ascetic morality was based in religion, but also done in solidarity with the poor. Many of his works address this. Karl Marx - for all the sins laid at his feet - also embraced a voluntarily poor lifestyle and tried to address social inequality through his work.
posted by RogueTech at 8:08 AM on August 19, 2015
Perhaps sift through some of the literature of the suddenly wealthy or heirs of very wealthy families and see how they have adjusted psychologically and/or made efforts to find meaning in their lives/wealth. Sudden wealth might be a good search term. Morethanmoney seems to be a (now discontinued) site which has a collection of articles ranging around wealth and its effective use.
posted by beaning at 8:17 AM on August 19, 2015
posted by beaning at 8:17 AM on August 19, 2015
I feel like some of the responses here are a little harsh, and it's a reasonable question you've asked. I think about this to a lesser extent myself (I live in California, which has the most income inequality in the U.S.). I feel guilty getting pedicures from the Vietnamese immigrants at my neighborhood nail salon—literally being served hand and foot—and feel discomfort when I've hired someone to clean my apartment, something I could easily do myself. My personal philosophy is that employing those who clearly need work is a good thing, as long as I'm not asking them to do something particularly unpleasant. I also personally believe that those of us in the 1% globally (i.e., likely many of the people on Metafilter....anyone who makes more than $52k) have a moral responsibility to donate to help the poorest people in the world. If you Memail me, I have a little more to say on that and a suggestion for how to give effectively.
posted by three_red_balloons at 8:25 AM on August 19, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by three_red_balloons at 8:25 AM on August 19, 2015 [3 favorites]
Hey, so this is something lots of my friends deal with. There are a range of options that people choose between voluntary poverty and gated living, and what's really important is to either choose to be oblivious or to look hard and deep at your guilt and set boundaries.
I spent a chunk of today discussing cancelling a scholarship for a university student who is not doing well academically but who has no other options and comes from a hellish family background. The $500 for the year of school could open up a different future for him. While discussing this, I had tabs open to a DVF sale site where I was browsing for dresses that cost about that much, idly daydreaming about buying them (They're out of my price range, but in a way that is indulgent, not impossible compared to university for him). I'm okay with that because I know that I give the max I can and will give financially and in time and efforts, and outside of that, I am a pretty standard thoughtful happy consumer who enjoys books and music and flowers. It helps that the people who live in poverty also enjoy those things and don't see them as vices - it's lavishness, not enjoyment that's a sort of theft.
What I would do personally is seek out a "fixer" - probably an expat woman or a local running a well-regarded small community organisation. Likely to be faith-based, so you need to figure out what your comfort levels are there, and find someone people talk about with wry amusement and respect as stubborn and interesting and persistent. Someone who has lots of contacts and is doing something on the grassroots level. Talk to them about being your 'front' for charitable acts that you recognise need to be done. I had a friend who did this and have done this in turn for other people, as a sort of privacy and dignity gap between recipients of aid and donations, to provide needed cash without complicating personal relationships or creating dependency.
"The bread in your cupboard belongs to the hungry man; the coat hanging unused in your closet belongs to the man who needs it; the shoes rotting in your closet belong to the man who has no shoes; the money which you put in the bank belongs to the poor. You do wrong to everyone you could help, but fail to help." (St. Basil the Great)
Have less stuff. There's having money in the bank to be used for something for you and your loved ones, and there's piling it away because you don't want to share. Only you know the difference. I know rich people who are generous and good stewards of their wealth, and rich people who are total bastards. Poor people too (although in my experience, poor people tend to be way more generous).
It takes deep hard self reflection to think what amount and to whom you feel okay about giving money to, and why. There's no formula or guideline. I have family members who get first priority in this kind of support, but not that, I have a lot of time to do this kind of work, but I can't bring myself to do that more important work because it's too hard emotionally, etc.
It's worth doing though. The raise made you see that you were tipping into becoming calloused and losing a really amazing opportunity to figure out how to balance what you want day to day (nice house, nice meals out) and what you want to achieve in your life (a better world, rich warm relationships with people).
I would not go with Tolstoy because he was kind of a classist jerk in some regards here. I would go Dorothy Day and Emma Goldman instead.
Oh! Blood and Milk has good stuff on it about aid workers and the power disparity between working with people when you're paid first world wages and your colleague has no medical insurance and local wages. She talks a lot about recognising what an expat/migrant also loses/doesn't have, and about negotiating more openly with the power disparity in interesting ways.
posted by dorothyisunderwood at 8:26 AM on August 19, 2015 [5 favorites]
I spent a chunk of today discussing cancelling a scholarship for a university student who is not doing well academically but who has no other options and comes from a hellish family background. The $500 for the year of school could open up a different future for him. While discussing this, I had tabs open to a DVF sale site where I was browsing for dresses that cost about that much, idly daydreaming about buying them (They're out of my price range, but in a way that is indulgent, not impossible compared to university for him). I'm okay with that because I know that I give the max I can and will give financially and in time and efforts, and outside of that, I am a pretty standard thoughtful happy consumer who enjoys books and music and flowers. It helps that the people who live in poverty also enjoy those things and don't see them as vices - it's lavishness, not enjoyment that's a sort of theft.
What I would do personally is seek out a "fixer" - probably an expat woman or a local running a well-regarded small community organisation. Likely to be faith-based, so you need to figure out what your comfort levels are there, and find someone people talk about with wry amusement and respect as stubborn and interesting and persistent. Someone who has lots of contacts and is doing something on the grassroots level. Talk to them about being your 'front' for charitable acts that you recognise need to be done. I had a friend who did this and have done this in turn for other people, as a sort of privacy and dignity gap between recipients of aid and donations, to provide needed cash without complicating personal relationships or creating dependency.
"The bread in your cupboard belongs to the hungry man; the coat hanging unused in your closet belongs to the man who needs it; the shoes rotting in your closet belong to the man who has no shoes; the money which you put in the bank belongs to the poor. You do wrong to everyone you could help, but fail to help." (St. Basil the Great)
Have less stuff. There's having money in the bank to be used for something for you and your loved ones, and there's piling it away because you don't want to share. Only you know the difference. I know rich people who are generous and good stewards of their wealth, and rich people who are total bastards. Poor people too (although in my experience, poor people tend to be way more generous).
It takes deep hard self reflection to think what amount and to whom you feel okay about giving money to, and why. There's no formula or guideline. I have family members who get first priority in this kind of support, but not that, I have a lot of time to do this kind of work, but I can't bring myself to do that more important work because it's too hard emotionally, etc.
It's worth doing though. The raise made you see that you were tipping into becoming calloused and losing a really amazing opportunity to figure out how to balance what you want day to day (nice house, nice meals out) and what you want to achieve in your life (a better world, rich warm relationships with people).
I would not go with Tolstoy because he was kind of a classist jerk in some regards here. I would go Dorothy Day and Emma Goldman instead.
Oh! Blood and Milk has good stuff on it about aid workers and the power disparity between working with people when you're paid first world wages and your colleague has no medical insurance and local wages. She talks a lot about recognising what an expat/migrant also loses/doesn't have, and about negotiating more openly with the power disparity in interesting ways.
posted by dorothyisunderwood at 8:26 AM on August 19, 2015 [5 favorites]
I would strongly recommend reading Capital by Karl Marx, assisted by the very helpful companion volume by Prof David Harvey.
If nothing else, it'll help you understand the largely impersonal processes that contribute to situations like yours, and why the solution to the issues you identify cannot really be solved by the isolated actions of individuals.
posted by Ted Maul at 8:31 AM on August 19, 2015 [6 favorites]
If nothing else, it'll help you understand the largely impersonal processes that contribute to situations like yours, and why the solution to the issues you identify cannot really be solved by the isolated actions of individuals.
posted by Ted Maul at 8:31 AM on August 19, 2015 [6 favorites]
I think you are operating from a false premise. We don't get to live in the first world guilt fr. I don't think it is possible to live a guilt free life once your eyes have been opened to the massive disparities and inequalities around.
Read Siddhartha by Herman Hesse maybe. That in some ways is about a young man's eyes opening to the poverty around him.
If you really want to be guilt free, perhaps start drinking heavily, watch a lot of sports and television shows, start befriending your co-workers and neighbors, stop talking with the people who work for you and start seeing them as subhuman.
posted by GregorWill at 8:40 AM on August 19, 2015 [1 favorite]
Read Siddhartha by Herman Hesse maybe. That in some ways is about a young man's eyes opening to the poverty around him.
If you really want to be guilt free, perhaps start drinking heavily, watch a lot of sports and television shows, start befriending your co-workers and neighbors, stop talking with the people who work for you and start seeing them as subhuman.
posted by GregorWill at 8:40 AM on August 19, 2015 [1 favorite]
To add to what I was saying above, I think that all of us in first-world countries are also relying on labor from poor countries (e.g. any mass-produced clothing we buy), not just people like you who live in a poor country. There are some interesting arguments out there as to why supporting sweatshops—if they are the best local jobs—may be better than not buying from them. Don't have time to find the links now, but it might be interesting reading. In the bigger picture, people like Peter Singer would say we all have a responsibility to give, and it actually doesn't matter that you're living there; you're just more aware of the problem. I.e., the responsibility is to help humanity, and people may actually be suffering even more somewhere other than you are (sub-saharan Africa, maybe, India, etc.). You could use your guilt as motivation to find an effective way to donate some part of your salary.
posted by three_red_balloons at 8:41 AM on August 19, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by three_red_balloons at 8:41 AM on August 19, 2015 [1 favorite]
it's not a question about how i single-handedly fix a country; it's about balancing completely inconsistent standards.
Keep in the back of your mind that Capitalism is much, much older and a much, much larger system than you. Like back to the transnational trading companies of the 1600s and onwards. Maybe longer. Your larger question seems to basically ask how to dismantle that system (or the inequalities inherent in it), and one of the attempts to do that ended up with many millions of dead dissidents and other undesirables, with the dictatorial remains of the state propped up by cronyism and assassinations. Unfortunately, there isn't any broader, systemic answer to your question that hasn't resulted in something just as bad, or worse. So the best you can do is work to address inequality in your own sphere of influence. Over time, one hopes, things slowly get better.
posted by a lungful of dragon at 8:45 AM on August 19, 2015 [4 favorites]
Keep in the back of your mind that Capitalism is much, much older and a much, much larger system than you. Like back to the transnational trading companies of the 1600s and onwards. Maybe longer. Your larger question seems to basically ask how to dismantle that system (or the inequalities inherent in it), and one of the attempts to do that ended up with many millions of dead dissidents and other undesirables, with the dictatorial remains of the state propped up by cronyism and assassinations. Unfortunately, there isn't any broader, systemic answer to your question that hasn't resulted in something just as bad, or worse. So the best you can do is work to address inequality in your own sphere of influence. Over time, one hopes, things slowly get better.
posted by a lungful of dragon at 8:45 AM on August 19, 2015 [4 favorites]
After reading the previously suggested Siddhartha by Hermann Hesse, learn and practice the Buddhist Middle Way. You'll have early encounters with the Four Noble Truths and the Noble Eightfold Way. No links because there are a multitude of sources.
posted by Homer42 at 9:35 AM on August 19, 2015
posted by Homer42 at 9:35 AM on August 19, 2015
I can see the argument that spending money locally helps the economy, but I feel so conspicuous doing so that I actively avoid it.
Well, you are going to have to put some work into squaring your morals with your reality. And if you want to live authentically in this culture without the stench of expat colonialism, you are going to have to let go of the framework you come from.
Not hiring a maid does nothing. It proves nothing except to yourself. It does not address the limited employment options for some groups of people. It does not address the limited access to education an opportunity that comes with class or colour or caste or religion in many places.
The only thing it accomplishes is to deprive a potential employee of a job. In many non-Western cultures, the more well-off residents of a nation have an obligation to provide wages to the less well-off residents. Yes, you can clean your own house and drive your own car and do your own laundry, but you may be living in a community where these service jobs are the only way for entire classes of people to work and care for their families. You avoid exploitation by paying a fair wage, particularly if that means it is well above the average.
You might find some of the articles at Why Dev interesting in terms of living ethically in developing cultures.
posted by DarlingBri at 9:52 AM on August 19, 2015 [8 favorites]
Well, you are going to have to put some work into squaring your morals with your reality. And if you want to live authentically in this culture without the stench of expat colonialism, you are going to have to let go of the framework you come from.
Not hiring a maid does nothing. It proves nothing except to yourself. It does not address the limited employment options for some groups of people. It does not address the limited access to education an opportunity that comes with class or colour or caste or religion in many places.
The only thing it accomplishes is to deprive a potential employee of a job. In many non-Western cultures, the more well-off residents of a nation have an obligation to provide wages to the less well-off residents. Yes, you can clean your own house and drive your own car and do your own laundry, but you may be living in a community where these service jobs are the only way for entire classes of people to work and care for their families. You avoid exploitation by paying a fair wage, particularly if that means it is well above the average.
You might find some of the articles at Why Dev interesting in terms of living ethically in developing cultures.
posted by DarlingBri at 9:52 AM on August 19, 2015 [8 favorites]
"i guess i'm also interested in why i have to start a school and employ a maid, while you guys presumably get to live the first world life guilt-free. there's a question on askme now asking for recommendations for a "semi-fancy" meal that budgets more than we spent. it's not a question about how i single-handedly fix a country; it's about balancing completely inconsistent standards."
Perceptions of wealth are relative. And we guys don't live guilt free. Very few people do.
As for resources on how to balance this, something that your question suffers from is a question that is either too broad or too narrow. Roughly every bit of moral philosophy and religion tackles this at some point — outside of Singer, what else have you pursued? I can likely point out more in a direction that's likely to appeal to you, but without getting a bit more detail, the answer is kinda "Take ethics, economics, philosophy and political survey courses." Or it's too narrow: The proliferation of resources is because it's not a solved problem, and it's something that people really have to contend with as individuals.
As for practical solutions, beyond charity: Invest in local businesses. In developing countries, access to capital without incredibly exploitative strings attached is rare, and if you've received a raise that's more than the regular wage of most people there, you'll have enough surplus capital to help at least some local folks with good ideas get up and running. You can be the type of angel investor who can dance on the head of a pin — a couple hundred bucks is enough to get someone in a developing country access to infrastructure that they wouldn't have otherwise been able to access. Having access to your business connections would also be valuable. Even if it's just an industrial sewing machine or a bench lathe or even a decent Linux box, finding people who could run a sustainable small business will both help their lives and the local economy, diminishing inequality over time. Most folks like having jobs where they can earn their own money and decide how they spend it. Helping people achieve more of what you've been able to can help balance out the feelings of unfair success.
posted by klangklangston at 10:18 AM on August 19, 2015 [2 favorites]
Perceptions of wealth are relative. And we guys don't live guilt free. Very few people do.
As for resources on how to balance this, something that your question suffers from is a question that is either too broad or too narrow. Roughly every bit of moral philosophy and religion tackles this at some point — outside of Singer, what else have you pursued? I can likely point out more in a direction that's likely to appeal to you, but without getting a bit more detail, the answer is kinda "Take ethics, economics, philosophy and political survey courses." Or it's too narrow: The proliferation of resources is because it's not a solved problem, and it's something that people really have to contend with as individuals.
As for practical solutions, beyond charity: Invest in local businesses. In developing countries, access to capital without incredibly exploitative strings attached is rare, and if you've received a raise that's more than the regular wage of most people there, you'll have enough surplus capital to help at least some local folks with good ideas get up and running. You can be the type of angel investor who can dance on the head of a pin — a couple hundred bucks is enough to get someone in a developing country access to infrastructure that they wouldn't have otherwise been able to access. Having access to your business connections would also be valuable. Even if it's just an industrial sewing machine or a bench lathe or even a decent Linux box, finding people who could run a sustainable small business will both help their lives and the local economy, diminishing inequality over time. Most folks like having jobs where they can earn their own money and decide how they spend it. Helping people achieve more of what you've been able to can help balance out the feelings of unfair success.
posted by klangklangston at 10:18 AM on August 19, 2015 [2 favorites]
When my parents met, my father was an American soldier and my mother was a German national. It was post WWII and the exchange rate was 4 marks to the dollar and it was also 4 East German marks to the West German mark, or 16 East German marks to the dollar. My mother came from a large family and many were still in East Germany. All American soldiers of that era were "rich" if they were stationed in Germany and they typically had maids. When they later lived in the US, my immigrant mother worked as a maid. It was a huge sore point for her and she often bitterly said "I used to have a maid. Now, I am the maid."
But they had 3/4 of the cost of the house they bought when I was 3 in the bank. It is only in the last few years that I have really started to understand the background I come from and the incredibly upper class expectations of my mother, the maid. My parents were both pretty tight lipped about money and neither had a lot of formal education. I am some bizarre mix of extreeemely privileged and poor white trash.
I will suggest that how you deal with the guilt is you accept that you are only one person and you cannot fix the entire world. Religious martyrs sometimes make a big dent in things -- Joan of Arc played handmaiden to the birth of modern France and put an end to the Hundred Years War -- and yet life goes on in some ways much as before, with people having problems and so on.
Set a budget for how much you are willing to give away. Then very quietly save and invest for your own goals. If you do not want a maid, do not hire one. I am anti-maid for personal reasons having nothing to do with money or classicism. It doesn't have to be your cup of tea.
I have read a book by a guy who was well paid while working overseas and he wrestled with these questions. If I think of the title, I will post it. Suffice it to say, such books exist. I would look for biographies of that ilk.
You also might want to read "The Tipping Point." One of the points it makes is that poor neighborhoods seriously go to hell when the percentage of educated middle class types drops too low. Crime and other problems sky rocket. So one of the functions someone like you can serve is to provide stability to the social fabric by having not just money to help out in a crisis but, more importantly, words of wisdom for people less privileged than you are.
You also might want to educate yourself about economics. Historically, the idea that consumer goods -- the wealth of the people -- was real wealth was radical. A quick read and good book is "Economix." It is an illustrated history.
posted by Michele in California at 10:32 AM on August 19, 2015 [3 favorites]
But they had 3/4 of the cost of the house they bought when I was 3 in the bank. It is only in the last few years that I have really started to understand the background I come from and the incredibly upper class expectations of my mother, the maid. My parents were both pretty tight lipped about money and neither had a lot of formal education. I am some bizarre mix of extreeemely privileged and poor white trash.
I will suggest that how you deal with the guilt is you accept that you are only one person and you cannot fix the entire world. Religious martyrs sometimes make a big dent in things -- Joan of Arc played handmaiden to the birth of modern France and put an end to the Hundred Years War -- and yet life goes on in some ways much as before, with people having problems and so on.
Set a budget for how much you are willing to give away. Then very quietly save and invest for your own goals. If you do not want a maid, do not hire one. I am anti-maid for personal reasons having nothing to do with money or classicism. It doesn't have to be your cup of tea.
I have read a book by a guy who was well paid while working overseas and he wrestled with these questions. If I think of the title, I will post it. Suffice it to say, such books exist. I would look for biographies of that ilk.
You also might want to read "The Tipping Point." One of the points it makes is that poor neighborhoods seriously go to hell when the percentage of educated middle class types drops too low. Crime and other problems sky rocket. So one of the functions someone like you can serve is to provide stability to the social fabric by having not just money to help out in a crisis but, more importantly, words of wisdom for people less privileged than you are.
You also might want to educate yourself about economics. Historically, the idea that consumer goods -- the wealth of the people -- was real wealth was radical. A quick read and good book is "Economix." It is an illustrated history.
posted by Michele in California at 10:32 AM on August 19, 2015 [3 favorites]
How do people balance this?
I balance this by really, really, REALLY appreciating what I have. I mean appreciate the hell out of it. Every sip of cold drink, every bite of good food, every chance to dance. We have to make it count, and we have to appreciate it for those who can't have what we have. It IS weird. You can enjoy what you have, but be extra mindful to appreciate it.
posted by Grlnxtdr at 10:47 AM on August 19, 2015 [6 favorites]
I balance this by really, really, REALLY appreciating what I have. I mean appreciate the hell out of it. Every sip of cold drink, every bite of good food, every chance to dance. We have to make it count, and we have to appreciate it for those who can't have what we have. It IS weird. You can enjoy what you have, but be extra mindful to appreciate it.
posted by Grlnxtdr at 10:47 AM on August 19, 2015 [6 favorites]
Also there is a big difference between not being burdened by guilt on the one hand, and completely ignoring privilege and inequality in society and having no interest in helping out on the other. It might help to know that activists do not want people with privilege to feel guilty as a goal--and indeed, actively find "white guilt"* frustrating and unproductive. What I mean is not that you should beat yourself up for feeling guilty, starting a vicious cycle of guilt and shame, but that you can take a deep breath, accept that you are feeling guilt, and tell yourself: nobody wants me to feel guilty. It is okay to not feel guilty.
Guilt is just not a productive thing unless you have literally done something immoral (like not paying someone who works for you a fair wage) and can then fix it (by raising their wage).
*I'm using race to stand in for other types of privilege here.
posted by capricorn at 1:43 PM on August 19, 2015 [1 favorite]
Guilt is just not a productive thing unless you have literally done something immoral (like not paying someone who works for you a fair wage) and can then fix it (by raising their wage).
*I'm using race to stand in for other types of privilege here.
posted by capricorn at 1:43 PM on August 19, 2015 [1 favorite]
From the ex-pat angle, you might look through practical guides for doing ethnographic research aimed at anthropology graduate students. Unfortunately, I can't point you to specific books since I've been out of school for a decade and I studied archaeology, so this was a less immediate problem for my research. I had enough cultural anthropology classes though, to know that there are ongoing debates around questions relevant to your situation like:
1) How do researchers conduct "participant observation" and get meaningful results in a way that accounts for the fact that their presence probably changes some of the cultural dynamics they are trying to study in a significant way. Even "poor" graduate students with small grant budgets usually have more access to money and resources like education and personal contacts than the populations they are living with. Many guides to fieldwork include not just the theoretical discussions about the effect on the research but actual practical ways to deal with the problem. Questions around hiring local people to do work comes up a lot.
2) What kind of obligations do researchers have to the groups they are studying such that the relationship does not become exploitative? And if the relationship is inevitability exploitative, do the scientific benefits still justify the work? More theoretical but might get to some of the moral questions you are thinking about.
The other type of anthropological literature that may be useful is Applied Anthropology. It's kind of the flip side of the practical guides, in that this field tries to take the results of ethnographic research to solve specific problems in populations with less resources. One of the things that surprised me is how much of the literature is about how badly people with good intentions can really screw stuff up. Without a lot of careful planning and a deep understanding of the specific context, solving one particular problem always creates a whole new set of, sometimes even worse, problems. Applied anthropologists spend a lot of time trying to create frameworks, rubrics and guidelines to help them systematically decide if a particular action will do more harm than good.
In terms of philosophical traditions, as a former Catholic who is now an atheist, I find Catholic Liberation Theology. really interesting. Someone else suggested biography/autobiography as way to get some insight into how other people dealt the issue. In that vein, I'm fascinated by the life and motivations of Dorothy Day, a woman born into a middle class atheist family who ended up as one of the founders of the Catholic Worker's Movement based on Liberation Theology. Jimmy Carter also comes to mind as someone who thinks deeply about these issues.
posted by DarthDuckie at 4:47 PM on August 19, 2015 [8 favorites]
1) How do researchers conduct "participant observation" and get meaningful results in a way that accounts for the fact that their presence probably changes some of the cultural dynamics they are trying to study in a significant way. Even "poor" graduate students with small grant budgets usually have more access to money and resources like education and personal contacts than the populations they are living with. Many guides to fieldwork include not just the theoretical discussions about the effect on the research but actual practical ways to deal with the problem. Questions around hiring local people to do work comes up a lot.
2) What kind of obligations do researchers have to the groups they are studying such that the relationship does not become exploitative? And if the relationship is inevitability exploitative, do the scientific benefits still justify the work? More theoretical but might get to some of the moral questions you are thinking about.
The other type of anthropological literature that may be useful is Applied Anthropology. It's kind of the flip side of the practical guides, in that this field tries to take the results of ethnographic research to solve specific problems in populations with less resources. One of the things that surprised me is how much of the literature is about how badly people with good intentions can really screw stuff up. Without a lot of careful planning and a deep understanding of the specific context, solving one particular problem always creates a whole new set of, sometimes even worse, problems. Applied anthropologists spend a lot of time trying to create frameworks, rubrics and guidelines to help them systematically decide if a particular action will do more harm than good.
In terms of philosophical traditions, as a former Catholic who is now an atheist, I find Catholic Liberation Theology. really interesting. Someone else suggested biography/autobiography as way to get some insight into how other people dealt the issue. In that vein, I'm fascinated by the life and motivations of Dorothy Day, a woman born into a middle class atheist family who ended up as one of the founders of the Catholic Worker's Movement based on Liberation Theology. Jimmy Carter also comes to mind as someone who thinks deeply about these issues.
posted by DarthDuckie at 4:47 PM on August 19, 2015 [8 favorites]
I think you need to google Resource Generation and find some of their books/materials. The organization is meant for American children of affluent parents who have large sums of money that they never earned themselves and are dealing with many of the guilty feelings you are experiencing. They talk a lot about social inequality and social justice from a position of financial and social power, and though they sometimes get into philanthropy and changing social structures, a lot of it is just about processing the feelings to figure out how you can live without crushing guilt. Though the focus is on Americans I see a lot of similar issues being expressed in your post (Hey America sounds better in terms of social/economic inequality than where you are, but honestly it is pretty messed up here too).
Good luck!
posted by Toddles at 9:12 PM on August 19, 2015 [1 favorite]
Good luck!
posted by Toddles at 9:12 PM on August 19, 2015 [1 favorite]
Suggestion: Guesstimate how much the dinner have cost in your home country and donate that amount minus how much it cost in reality to a local charity that provides social services to poor people. A hospital, or a school for example. Do this for everything you feel guilty about paying too little for. This means that you are only paying for what you would be willing to afford back home, but the extra money, instead of being concentrated on the one lucky person who happened to serve the big tipping foreigner, is being spread amoungst the community that person lives in and will hopefully make his life a little bit more secure, happy and hopeful.
Another suggestion: Take the time you save from not having to do your own ironing (for example), and donate that back to the community you live in. Preferably not in a way that takes away a job from a local person, but there might be something you can offer that would be possible otherwise. Tutoring english, for example, or being on the board of a charity.
Remember that living a long way from your own support system has it's own costs, both monetarily (flying home for holidays) and more intangible costs (mental health, for example).
I'm not sure how you become comfortable with the economic power that you have. I've got nothing on that.
posted by kjs4 at 9:42 PM on August 19, 2015
Another suggestion: Take the time you save from not having to do your own ironing (for example), and donate that back to the community you live in. Preferably not in a way that takes away a job from a local person, but there might be something you can offer that would be possible otherwise. Tutoring english, for example, or being on the board of a charity.
Remember that living a long way from your own support system has it's own costs, both monetarily (flying home for holidays) and more intangible costs (mental health, for example).
I'm not sure how you become comfortable with the economic power that you have. I've got nothing on that.
posted by kjs4 at 9:42 PM on August 19, 2015
Read Chris Meier's "It's Hell on the Coast: A True Story of Expatriate Life in Nigeria..."
Also, n-thing what has been said above above Capitalism and its dynamics.
posted by Kwadeng at 2:51 AM on August 20, 2015
Also, n-thing what has been said above above Capitalism and its dynamics.
posted by Kwadeng at 2:51 AM on August 20, 2015
Hi. I'm the person who asked the question on the Green about spending £50-£100 on a "semi-fancy" dinner. What I didn't mention is that this is being covered by my company as the exact same sort of bonus you mention in your question - nice but ultimately meaningless.
I don't live guilt free in my first world country. Lots of us don't. You wouldn't if you moved home I suspect. You don't feel any different in your third world country than some of us do seeing endemic poverty in social classes in our first world countries.
I'm sorry that I don't have any literature recommendations. I wanted to give you this perspective because it might help you find some value in the the recommendations for actions you're receiving. We are recommending them because they are the ways we've found to relieve our first-world-guilt in first-world countries.
I spent two weeks of my holiday this year on secondment working for a child poverty charity in London in just this kind of funk, dealing with the fact that the charity struggled and struggled for private donor funding to buy basics like shampoo and school shoes for clients - how can I, a single human, possibly help? And why should I, a single human, have to worry about this when no one else seems to?
I don't believe philosophy can justify this but I'm just as keen as you to read some of these links to try. Yours is not a third-world-transplant problem.
posted by citands at 6:26 AM on August 20, 2015 [2 favorites]
I don't live guilt free in my first world country. Lots of us don't. You wouldn't if you moved home I suspect. You don't feel any different in your third world country than some of us do seeing endemic poverty in social classes in our first world countries.
I'm sorry that I don't have any literature recommendations. I wanted to give you this perspective because it might help you find some value in the the recommendations for actions you're receiving. We are recommending them because they are the ways we've found to relieve our first-world-guilt in first-world countries.
I spent two weeks of my holiday this year on secondment working for a child poverty charity in London in just this kind of funk, dealing with the fact that the charity struggled and struggled for private donor funding to buy basics like shampoo and school shoes for clients - how can I, a single human, possibly help? And why should I, a single human, have to worry about this when no one else seems to?
I don't believe philosophy can justify this but I'm just as keen as you to read some of these links to try. Yours is not a third-world-transplant problem.
posted by citands at 6:26 AM on August 20, 2015 [2 favorites]
Response by poster: I've been wondering about this thread, and why it has been so deeply weird.
The first problem, I suspect, is that I did not explain how normal Chile is. I explained how it differs from what I am used to, because those are things I rub against every day. What I didn't explain, and what people didn't assume, is that there is a middle class here. I am not some kind of unique (white) saviour, destined to save the poor little (coloured) children sleeping in the streets.
My apologies for misleading people but also, more importantly, to any Chilean readers. I wish I had understood what was happening sooner and so could have given a better description of what the country is like. It was not my intention to paint it as an banana republic backwater, or myself as the benevolent white man.
The second problem is that, on reflection, I focussed too much on inequality. Reading the comments, and comparing them with my own responses (posted or not), I think the larger problem is one of identity: who am I?
(I also wish I had never used the word "guilt", even if only in a reply. But if I continue to list regrets I will never get to the heart of the matter).
Some of the posts here address the kind of person I should be. And this is something I have thought about myself, particularly while contemplating citizenship.
To what extent do I have to "be Chilean"?
From the comments, it seems some people think I should be indistinguishable from others. That I should blend in, much as an aid worker, or anthropologist, strives to (if anyone is curious, Clara Han's anthropological work on Chile is excellent - in part because you can see her addressing this issue).
I don't really agree with this, and have three arguments in my defence:
1 - I wasn't particularly "average" in the UK. We don't have kids. We didn't have a car. I worked from home. I was the first in my family to go to university. As a kid, I was the smart loner that stayed in his room. None of these are huge things (although I will return to children later). But they all contributed to me considering myself a bit odd. Which was fine - I understood myself, and I understood the cultural background, More than that: I made a conscious choice to define myself in a certain way.
2 - Immigrants are not average. Sure, a bunch of fascists would like them to be so. But I don't include myself in that group (and I have leveraged my own position as an immigrant in discussions to persuade others, back "home" that such an attitude is wrong). Immigrants bring new things to a country, and that's good. Even, in a sense, when it's bad - even if it doesn't fit in, it's a challenge, a difference, a source of conflict. And I don't find anything wrong with that conflict. Taken as a whole, it's a positive part of life. So when I want to be a Chilean, that doesn't mean I want to be an average Chilean (see next point on that rare beast). No. Fuck that. I want to be me. I want to continue to live life my way. I want the ability to be wrong, just as immigrants I know in the UK are "wrong", but also, sometimes, entertaining, and interesting, and different and, in the end, part of a richer cultural fabric.
(I should add here that I do think I have certain responsibilities. For example, I have worked hard (including lessons with an audiologist) to improve my accent (it may seem an odd thing to focus on, but my gringo accent appears to make many people uncomfortable - this is still a country with relatively little immigration (and it's not just accent, but body language, the rhythm of interaction, etc etc)). And I have worked to improve my vocabulary, and to understand more of the politics and general public life of my adopted home.)
3 - Chileans are not homogeneous. There's a lot of political diversity in the country (real communists! real fascists!). My partner - like many others who were students at the time - fought against a military dictatorship. And won. Some of these people are deeply uncomfortable with the historical role of the "nana" (maid). It's quite possible, as a Chilean, to be conflicted about whether or not the economic advantages of the system outweigh the societal costs. And I don't think any Chilean would insist that people (who can) should "get over themselves" and have maids (particularly these days, and particularly people without children, because things are changing, as the country becomes wealthier as a whole, slowly). It remains a personal decision.
OK, so where am I going with this? If I am just going to do my own damn thing anyway, what was this question about?
The central issue seems to be how you (I) define your(my)self within a particular culture. In the UK I felt odd, sure, but I understand why. It was my choice. I was, in a very real sense, playing the game. Choosing my own "role".
Here, in Chile, in contrast, I have had a role forced upon me. The role of gringo. In many ways this is an advantage. But it is also a constraint that I find myself fighting against.
And the role itself is defined against a cultural background that I do not, completely, understand. So any fight, any attempt to change that role, to empower myself, to choose my own definition of who I am, is hard. My grip on the social context is unsure. I push in a certain direction, I slip, and I stumble.
This cultural background is important, because it explains so many things. For example, and relevant to the question I first posed, the way in which social support works here is not the same as in the UK. Here, things are done person to person, particularly within families. So you don't have much of a health system, but within a family it's quite normal for someone to help out with someone else's hospital bill. You don't have a blood transfusion service, but friends will all go donate blood when someone needs it (which is traded for the correct type etc etc at the hospital!)
In the UK we did give a percentage of our income to charity - as a direct debit to Oxfam, as far as I remember. Here, we still do that, but to a lesser degree. Instead, it's expected, in some way, that we help more directly.
This is complicated further by my (Chilean) partner, her relationship with her family, and her own attempts at assuming some kind of role within this framework. I don't really want to go further in this direction, because I am washing my own linen in public, not hers.
So, in short, things are complicated. And sometimes it feels a bit too much. And one of those times I posted a question to AskMe that didn't really explain the problem.
When I posted that question, what I was looking for - I can see this more clearly now, but it was present in the original question - was accounts of people doing the same thing I (we) are doing: struggling to define who they are and how they fit within a certain culture. Which includes pretty much all of literature, when expressed in those broad terms.
Despite this, some people did understand. Thank-you. And some of the answers that are framed in terms of guilt still make sense when the emphasis is shifted slightly. The suggestions of autobiographies are interesting, although I wonder to what degree they are going to be "I felt uncomfortable so I revolutionized X, solving Y before being awarded the Nobel Prize for Z." Do nerdy, socially uncomfortable people write autobiographies?
Maybe the above explains things a little more clearly. If not, well, I am writing mainly for myself anyway.
To address a few specific points (and I still have not read everything - it is quite painful, and slow, and requires a lot of time, sorry, but I will continue over the next few weeks):
A - The issue of maids is a hard one. One we have discussed at home several times. I do understand (I think) the argument for. Above (1,2,3) I laid the threads for an argument against, and I need to tie them into a knot here: in short, I feel the same argument could be made about having children, yet I think most would balk at asserting we should have kids. But that is not the last word - it is still an open problem for me (us), and I am wary of "it's complicated so I don't want / have to think about it", so I will continue to think about it. One idea I had was to pay for someone else to have a maid... (a whole other can of worms, but I have written enough).
B - I don't intend to read Marx, but I know a man who has, and I will be seeing him tomorrow, so I will ask him to assuage my worries (said scholar is someone I admire hugely, and love, is a member of my extended family, someone we do help when we can, and who, incidentally, did start a school for the disadvantaged, so in a small way I have pre-followed advice above).
C - Allocating percentages is something we have discussed (provoked by the same recent issues that triggered this post) and something we will be doing.
D - Being an "entrepreneur" is not something I am cut out to do. Good god no. But in the past I have donated to micro-credit charities (when it was in fashion - it seems to have died back now).
E - I agree that the "money / guilt" problem isn't exclusively a "third-world-transplant" problem (or even a second world one, or whatever they call this place). It's simply that I used to have a framework / role where I had made a certain amount of peace with the compromises I had chosen. When you are transplanted, you lose that. It's actually fucking difficult, at times, living in another country. At least for me.
posted by andrewcooke at 9:32 AM on August 20, 2015 [1 favorite]
The first problem, I suspect, is that I did not explain how normal Chile is. I explained how it differs from what I am used to, because those are things I rub against every day. What I didn't explain, and what people didn't assume, is that there is a middle class here. I am not some kind of unique (white) saviour, destined to save the poor little (coloured) children sleeping in the streets.
My apologies for misleading people but also, more importantly, to any Chilean readers. I wish I had understood what was happening sooner and so could have given a better description of what the country is like. It was not my intention to paint it as an banana republic backwater, or myself as the benevolent white man.
The second problem is that, on reflection, I focussed too much on inequality. Reading the comments, and comparing them with my own responses (posted or not), I think the larger problem is one of identity: who am I?
(I also wish I had never used the word "guilt", even if only in a reply. But if I continue to list regrets I will never get to the heart of the matter).
Some of the posts here address the kind of person I should be. And this is something I have thought about myself, particularly while contemplating citizenship.
To what extent do I have to "be Chilean"?
From the comments, it seems some people think I should be indistinguishable from others. That I should blend in, much as an aid worker, or anthropologist, strives to (if anyone is curious, Clara Han's anthropological work on Chile is excellent - in part because you can see her addressing this issue).
I don't really agree with this, and have three arguments in my defence:
1 - I wasn't particularly "average" in the UK. We don't have kids. We didn't have a car. I worked from home. I was the first in my family to go to university. As a kid, I was the smart loner that stayed in his room. None of these are huge things (although I will return to children later). But they all contributed to me considering myself a bit odd. Which was fine - I understood myself, and I understood the cultural background, More than that: I made a conscious choice to define myself in a certain way.
2 - Immigrants are not average. Sure, a bunch of fascists would like them to be so. But I don't include myself in that group (and I have leveraged my own position as an immigrant in discussions to persuade others, back "home" that such an attitude is wrong). Immigrants bring new things to a country, and that's good. Even, in a sense, when it's bad - even if it doesn't fit in, it's a challenge, a difference, a source of conflict. And I don't find anything wrong with that conflict. Taken as a whole, it's a positive part of life. So when I want to be a Chilean, that doesn't mean I want to be an average Chilean (see next point on that rare beast). No. Fuck that. I want to be me. I want to continue to live life my way. I want the ability to be wrong, just as immigrants I know in the UK are "wrong", but also, sometimes, entertaining, and interesting, and different and, in the end, part of a richer cultural fabric.
(I should add here that I do think I have certain responsibilities. For example, I have worked hard (including lessons with an audiologist) to improve my accent (it may seem an odd thing to focus on, but my gringo accent appears to make many people uncomfortable - this is still a country with relatively little immigration (and it's not just accent, but body language, the rhythm of interaction, etc etc)). And I have worked to improve my vocabulary, and to understand more of the politics and general public life of my adopted home.)
3 - Chileans are not homogeneous. There's a lot of political diversity in the country (real communists! real fascists!). My partner - like many others who were students at the time - fought against a military dictatorship. And won. Some of these people are deeply uncomfortable with the historical role of the "nana" (maid). It's quite possible, as a Chilean, to be conflicted about whether or not the economic advantages of the system outweigh the societal costs. And I don't think any Chilean would insist that people (who can) should "get over themselves" and have maids (particularly these days, and particularly people without children, because things are changing, as the country becomes wealthier as a whole, slowly). It remains a personal decision.
OK, so where am I going with this? If I am just going to do my own damn thing anyway, what was this question about?
The central issue seems to be how you (I) define your(my)self within a particular culture. In the UK I felt odd, sure, but I understand why. It was my choice. I was, in a very real sense, playing the game. Choosing my own "role".
Here, in Chile, in contrast, I have had a role forced upon me. The role of gringo. In many ways this is an advantage. But it is also a constraint that I find myself fighting against.
And the role itself is defined against a cultural background that I do not, completely, understand. So any fight, any attempt to change that role, to empower myself, to choose my own definition of who I am, is hard. My grip on the social context is unsure. I push in a certain direction, I slip, and I stumble.
This cultural background is important, because it explains so many things. For example, and relevant to the question I first posed, the way in which social support works here is not the same as in the UK. Here, things are done person to person, particularly within families. So you don't have much of a health system, but within a family it's quite normal for someone to help out with someone else's hospital bill. You don't have a blood transfusion service, but friends will all go donate blood when someone needs it (which is traded for the correct type etc etc at the hospital!)
In the UK we did give a percentage of our income to charity - as a direct debit to Oxfam, as far as I remember. Here, we still do that, but to a lesser degree. Instead, it's expected, in some way, that we help more directly.
This is complicated further by my (Chilean) partner, her relationship with her family, and her own attempts at assuming some kind of role within this framework. I don't really want to go further in this direction, because I am washing my own linen in public, not hers.
So, in short, things are complicated. And sometimes it feels a bit too much. And one of those times I posted a question to AskMe that didn't really explain the problem.
When I posted that question, what I was looking for - I can see this more clearly now, but it was present in the original question - was accounts of people doing the same thing I (we) are doing: struggling to define who they are and how they fit within a certain culture. Which includes pretty much all of literature, when expressed in those broad terms.
Despite this, some people did understand. Thank-you. And some of the answers that are framed in terms of guilt still make sense when the emphasis is shifted slightly. The suggestions of autobiographies are interesting, although I wonder to what degree they are going to be "I felt uncomfortable so I revolutionized X, solving Y before being awarded the Nobel Prize for Z." Do nerdy, socially uncomfortable people write autobiographies?
Maybe the above explains things a little more clearly. If not, well, I am writing mainly for myself anyway.
To address a few specific points (and I still have not read everything - it is quite painful, and slow, and requires a lot of time, sorry, but I will continue over the next few weeks):
A - The issue of maids is a hard one. One we have discussed at home several times. I do understand (I think) the argument for. Above (1,2,3) I laid the threads for an argument against, and I need to tie them into a knot here: in short, I feel the same argument could be made about having children, yet I think most would balk at asserting we should have kids. But that is not the last word - it is still an open problem for me (us), and I am wary of "it's complicated so I don't want / have to think about it", so I will continue to think about it. One idea I had was to pay for someone else to have a maid... (a whole other can of worms, but I have written enough).
B - I don't intend to read Marx, but I know a man who has, and I will be seeing him tomorrow, so I will ask him to assuage my worries (said scholar is someone I admire hugely, and love, is a member of my extended family, someone we do help when we can, and who, incidentally, did start a school for the disadvantaged, so in a small way I have pre-followed advice above).
C - Allocating percentages is something we have discussed (provoked by the same recent issues that triggered this post) and something we will be doing.
D - Being an "entrepreneur" is not something I am cut out to do. Good god no. But in the past I have donated to micro-credit charities (when it was in fashion - it seems to have died back now).
E - I agree that the "money / guilt" problem isn't exclusively a "third-world-transplant" problem (or even a second world one, or whatever they call this place). It's simply that I used to have a framework / role where I had made a certain amount of peace with the compromises I had chosen. When you are transplanted, you lose that. It's actually fucking difficult, at times, living in another country. At least for me.
posted by andrewcooke at 9:32 AM on August 20, 2015 [1 favorite]
This is complicated further by my (Chilean) partner, her relationship with her family,
My mother was one of 12 siblings. I was born basically after they left Germany, but family stories suggest that my father's "wealth" was mostly spent on helping family, not random strangers -- though they spent so much money that the grocer in the tiny village where one of my aunt's lived would extend his store hours just for my parents when they were visiting (staying open on Friday night so they could stock the pantry for their visit) and they were greeted by the kids in town like visiting celebrities, with little boys trailing the family car into town while they tossed candy at the kids. They sent money to East German relatives that helped some of them leave East Germany.
It is incredibly normal the world over to help out family. The proverbial Rich Uncle is a trope. You can pretty safely adopt that role.
I strongly suspect that most people who are relatively wealthy compared to folks around them struggle to figure out how to be caring and compassionate without being either bled into poverty or winding up torn apart by angry jealous crowds.
You might find literature on "third culture kids" of interest. That was the first thng I ever read that addressed how and why I just never really fit in anywhere. I just never quite belong. At age 50, I am most!y okay with that and aware of the upsides of it, but it was a hard thing for a lot of years.
The biography I read, whose title I still do not recall, was mostly framed as "my adventures working in Africa." He was not all guilt ridden and wrapped around the axle about how privileged he was. Then one day some woman said "I don't know how you do it." He initially interpreted that as praise for how competent and awesome he was, doing great things for these backwards people. Then she clarified "No, I don't know how you can make peace with your conscience when you are bleeding the local economy for your crazy high first world salary while surrounded by extreme poverty."
He does talk about sending his maid at his expense to a doctor on the mainland. She was treated for a parasitic infection and gained twenty pounds. He also talks about some school that had a falling in roof and contractors had absconded with the grant money intended to repair the roof. He wondered what he could do other than throw money at the problem, given that money was failing to fix things in a country where so much just did not work. He arranged a series of lectures at the school.
It was an interesting read and it was mostly not about first world guilt.
posted by Michele in California at 10:01 AM on August 20, 2015 [1 favorite]
My mother was one of 12 siblings. I was born basically after they left Germany, but family stories suggest that my father's "wealth" was mostly spent on helping family, not random strangers -- though they spent so much money that the grocer in the tiny village where one of my aunt's lived would extend his store hours just for my parents when they were visiting (staying open on Friday night so they could stock the pantry for their visit) and they were greeted by the kids in town like visiting celebrities, with little boys trailing the family car into town while they tossed candy at the kids. They sent money to East German relatives that helped some of them leave East Germany.
It is incredibly normal the world over to help out family. The proverbial Rich Uncle is a trope. You can pretty safely adopt that role.
I strongly suspect that most people who are relatively wealthy compared to folks around them struggle to figure out how to be caring and compassionate without being either bled into poverty or winding up torn apart by angry jealous crowds.
You might find literature on "third culture kids" of interest. That was the first thng I ever read that addressed how and why I just never really fit in anywhere. I just never quite belong. At age 50, I am most!y okay with that and aware of the upsides of it, but it was a hard thing for a lot of years.
The biography I read, whose title I still do not recall, was mostly framed as "my adventures working in Africa." He was not all guilt ridden and wrapped around the axle about how privileged he was. Then one day some woman said "I don't know how you do it." He initially interpreted that as praise for how competent and awesome he was, doing great things for these backwards people. Then she clarified "No, I don't know how you can make peace with your conscience when you are bleeding the local economy for your crazy high first world salary while surrounded by extreme poverty."
He does talk about sending his maid at his expense to a doctor on the mainland. She was treated for a parasitic infection and gained twenty pounds. He also talks about some school that had a falling in roof and contractors had absconded with the grant money intended to repair the roof. He wondered what he could do other than throw money at the problem, given that money was failing to fix things in a country where so much just did not work. He arranged a series of lectures at the school.
It was an interesting read and it was mostly not about first world guilt.
posted by Michele in California at 10:01 AM on August 20, 2015 [1 favorite]
I don't think it's the entirety of what you're dealing with, but something that struck me in your follow-up is that I think you're struggling with going from an "unmarked category" (you were just a "normal person" in the UK and didn't represent anyone other than yourself as an individual) to a "marked category" (now you're not just an individual but a representative of various categories of people, like expat, foreigner, wealthy, etc.).
Peggy McIntosh's White Privilege: Unpacking the Invisible Knapsack includes:
posted by jaguar at 11:22 AM on August 20, 2015 [7 favorites]
Peggy McIntosh's White Privilege: Unpacking the Invisible Knapsack includes:
12. I can swear, or dress in second-hand clothes or not answer letters without having people attribute these choices to the bad morals, the poverty, or the illiteracy of my race.So I'm wondering if it might be helpful to read about the ideas of being in a marked group, of coming to terms with always being judged as a representative of a category of people rather than just as an individual, even if just to get a better handle on that aspect of culture shock.
13. I can speak in public to a powerful male group without putting my race on trial.
14. I can do well in a challenging situation without being called a credit to my race.
15. I am never asked to speak for all the people of my racial group.
posted by jaguar at 11:22 AM on August 20, 2015 [7 favorites]
I think the reason the answers here haven't been very helpful to you is the question is extremely broad. On one hand, you might just be asking for literature that addresses your personal circumstance (without being colonial). If you want that, you may want to re-post a question that skims over the specifics of your situation and just asks for books like that.
On the other hand, your question could be this huge and non-specific philosophical and psychological 'question' that verges on the unanswerable about complicity, inequality, morality, racism, capitol, colonialism, history, etc. You're bound to get a lot of really wild advice about how to change the world if you ask such a big question.
Personally, I think your question isn't super resolvable - you feel uncomfortable because you're in an uncomfortable situation. The only reason many 1st World residents don't experience this same discomfort is because we can hide from it. But the situation is unjust and daily confrontations with that are bound to be painful.
Like all of us, I think you just have to do your best to be a kind, just person. Save what you need, discreetly give away what you can, seek solace in the ways that comfort you - family, nature, art, whatever works for you.
posted by latkes at 11:51 AM on August 20, 2015 [1 favorite]
On the other hand, your question could be this huge and non-specific philosophical and psychological 'question' that verges on the unanswerable about complicity, inequality, morality, racism, capitol, colonialism, history, etc. You're bound to get a lot of really wild advice about how to change the world if you ask such a big question.
Personally, I think your question isn't super resolvable - you feel uncomfortable because you're in an uncomfortable situation. The only reason many 1st World residents don't experience this same discomfort is because we can hide from it. But the situation is unjust and daily confrontations with that are bound to be painful.
Like all of us, I think you just have to do your best to be a kind, just person. Save what you need, discreetly give away what you can, seek solace in the ways that comfort you - family, nature, art, whatever works for you.
posted by latkes at 11:51 AM on August 20, 2015 [1 favorite]
Yeah, given your followup, your question is wildly different from what you initially asked. "How do I find an identity as an ex-pat in Chile" is bound in part by inequality, but that's only one facet of it, and you didn't even mention Chile until this most recent follow-up.
As for Chile, I hope some folks have more specific advice for you. As for finding an identity as an immigrant, I can only offer a couple thoughts on it:
1) This is a problem that has been a concern in philosophy and political philosophy for thousands of years. You may find Aristotle's Politics helpful, especially his discussion of what makes someone a citizen (basically, by involving themselves with positive, communal political action) — he specifically dismisses the notion that foreigners can't be citizens, because (like most things for Aristotle) we are what our habits are, and foreigners can be inculcated with the habits of citizenship.
Really, what I'm trying to say is that you're not alone in wrestling with this. What solutions you come up with are likely to be inconsistent and incoherent (formally) but that's true for literally billions of people for thousands of years.
2) This is likely going to be a lifelong, individual process. You can (and should) seek resources about being The Other, but there's no silver bullet that will perfectly encapsulate your experience and give you an unassailable path forward. But something that might help you is looking for resources specifically by Chileans about what it's like to be Chilean. They won't necessarily give you a lot of help for figuring out how to balance your identity as an ex-pat in Chile, but they will show you some of the ways that people who have always considered themselves Chilean have formed their identities. I'd imagine that asking around at a library for writings about Chilean nationalism from the early post-Pinochet era (Aylwin, early '90s). In the wake of Pinochet, Chileans had to formulate a new national identity that both repudiated Pinochet but also brought in people who (at least nominally) served under Pinochet to the national project — part of this was the Truth and Reconciliation reports, but I'd specifically look for stuff by public intellectuals around the time. I can't find any of my coursepacks from Latin American Politics (since Christ, I took it a decade ago — which is why I'd tell you to ask a librarian there rather than rely on me as an expert), but Ariel Dorfman, Pablo Huneeus, Pedro Lemebel, Adriana Valdés, Andres Velasco and José Antonio Viera-Gallo were all in there. Some of them had multi-national identities that very much inform how they think about Chilean nationality and obligation.
3) I know you don't want to read Marx, but… you should probably read some Marx. A lot, maybe even the majority, of left wing Latin American politics is explicitly post-Marxist. Das Kapital is a fucking chore and a half, but On German Ideologies is pretty brief and pithy — it's fun to see Marx dropping zingers against Young Hegelians. Marx was right about a lot of stuff and was wrong about at least as much, but he's much more a part of Latin American politics than UK or US politics. It's not candy, it's medicinal, but getting it down should help you understand how a lot of politically-active Chileans understand their milieu. (I can't actually say how politically active your average Chilean is; all of my Argentinean friends with college educations are more familiar with Marx than I am, despite having a lot of it censored when they were growing up — even the folks who run a garage rock label out of Buenos Aires make casual references to him.)
4) Finally, just from seeing you around MeFi, you're a pretty smart guy. I think you're fairly well equipped to do this kind of identity exploration — better than most. It's hard, but I also kind of think it's necessary. (Contra my brother in Korea, who is entirely happy to have women dote on him because he's a white dude who makes a minimal effort at being self-sufficient. I love him, but I don't think rigorously interrogating his privilege and identity is on his list of priorities, despite being a progressive and compassionate guy.)
posted by klangklangston at 2:07 PM on August 20, 2015 [2 favorites]
As for Chile, I hope some folks have more specific advice for you. As for finding an identity as an immigrant, I can only offer a couple thoughts on it:
1) This is a problem that has been a concern in philosophy and political philosophy for thousands of years. You may find Aristotle's Politics helpful, especially his discussion of what makes someone a citizen (basically, by involving themselves with positive, communal political action) — he specifically dismisses the notion that foreigners can't be citizens, because (like most things for Aristotle) we are what our habits are, and foreigners can be inculcated with the habits of citizenship.
Really, what I'm trying to say is that you're not alone in wrestling with this. What solutions you come up with are likely to be inconsistent and incoherent (formally) but that's true for literally billions of people for thousands of years.
2) This is likely going to be a lifelong, individual process. You can (and should) seek resources about being The Other, but there's no silver bullet that will perfectly encapsulate your experience and give you an unassailable path forward. But something that might help you is looking for resources specifically by Chileans about what it's like to be Chilean. They won't necessarily give you a lot of help for figuring out how to balance your identity as an ex-pat in Chile, but they will show you some of the ways that people who have always considered themselves Chilean have formed their identities. I'd imagine that asking around at a library for writings about Chilean nationalism from the early post-Pinochet era (Aylwin, early '90s). In the wake of Pinochet, Chileans had to formulate a new national identity that both repudiated Pinochet but also brought in people who (at least nominally) served under Pinochet to the national project — part of this was the Truth and Reconciliation reports, but I'd specifically look for stuff by public intellectuals around the time. I can't find any of my coursepacks from Latin American Politics (since Christ, I took it a decade ago — which is why I'd tell you to ask a librarian there rather than rely on me as an expert), but Ariel Dorfman, Pablo Huneeus, Pedro Lemebel, Adriana Valdés, Andres Velasco and José Antonio Viera-Gallo were all in there. Some of them had multi-national identities that very much inform how they think about Chilean nationality and obligation.
3) I know you don't want to read Marx, but… you should probably read some Marx. A lot, maybe even the majority, of left wing Latin American politics is explicitly post-Marxist. Das Kapital is a fucking chore and a half, but On German Ideologies is pretty brief and pithy — it's fun to see Marx dropping zingers against Young Hegelians. Marx was right about a lot of stuff and was wrong about at least as much, but he's much more a part of Latin American politics than UK or US politics. It's not candy, it's medicinal, but getting it down should help you understand how a lot of politically-active Chileans understand their milieu. (I can't actually say how politically active your average Chilean is; all of my Argentinean friends with college educations are more familiar with Marx than I am, despite having a lot of it censored when they were growing up — even the folks who run a garage rock label out of Buenos Aires make casual references to him.)
4) Finally, just from seeing you around MeFi, you're a pretty smart guy. I think you're fairly well equipped to do this kind of identity exploration — better than most. It's hard, but I also kind of think it's necessary. (Contra my brother in Korea, who is entirely happy to have women dote on him because he's a white dude who makes a minimal effort at being self-sufficient. I love him, but I don't think rigorously interrogating his privilege and identity is on his list of priorities, despite being a progressive and compassionate guy.)
posted by klangklangston at 2:07 PM on August 20, 2015 [2 favorites]
Your actual question seems to be: how do I adapt to being an immigrant in another country that is very different from my own? And I think there are a couple of different answers there.
The first one is to read and learn more about your new country and the cultural context: read history books, newspaper articles, listen to the radio, read sort of silly and sort of helpful internet lists like "Chile Travel Tips: Do's and Don'ts". Talk to your partner about things you don't understand, and keep talking about them. Getting used to living in a new country is a process that takes years, not months, and in my experience, it's a bit like Winnie-the-Pooh going down the stairs--bump, bump, bump--except that you often think you're all acclimated and settled and at the bottom of the stairs, and that's usually when you fall down the next step again.
The second one is to work like crazy on the local language, because it makes things a lot easier when you can communicate easily with people, when your accent and grammar don't get in the way of understanding. So I think it's smart that you're working hard on your accent.
The third one is to talk to local people as much as possible and make some friends. Being an immigrant is hard and lonely and it's helpful to have some people in your everyday life who your own friends and not your partner's friends or family. Local people are good friends because you can ask them about stuff you don't understand, and they can show you interesting new places. And friends who are immigrants (not just from your home country but from all over the place) are good, because they understand the challenges you're dealing with and they can offer support and new ideas for how to deal with those things. I avoid events aimed at expats specifically, but I have met a number of good friends in language classes, because (at least it seems to me) that people in language classes are often more interested in finding their way in the local culture, rather than holding themselves separate from it.
Finally, I think you just have to accept that being an immigrant is hard, and that it just makes daily life harder sometimes, particularly when you're surrounded by a foreign language. So I think it's particularly important to take good care of yourself more consciously than you might at home: make sure you eat ok and get enough sleep and if you work at home, get out of the house periodically, and work hard at making connections and meeting new people, even if you were a serious loner/introvert at home. And for example, as an American abroad, my life has gotten a lot better ever since I decided that it isn't my job to explain things about America, or defend America, or to agree about how horrible America is if I don't want to. I'm allowed to back out of debates or discussions I don't want to be a part of, and to save my energy for more important things like figuring out if WD-40 oil is actually sold in this country, and if so, where the hell do I find it.
posted by colfax at 4:29 AM on August 21, 2015
The first one is to read and learn more about your new country and the cultural context: read history books, newspaper articles, listen to the radio, read sort of silly and sort of helpful internet lists like "Chile Travel Tips: Do's and Don'ts". Talk to your partner about things you don't understand, and keep talking about them. Getting used to living in a new country is a process that takes years, not months, and in my experience, it's a bit like Winnie-the-Pooh going down the stairs--bump, bump, bump--except that you often think you're all acclimated and settled and at the bottom of the stairs, and that's usually when you fall down the next step again.
The second one is to work like crazy on the local language, because it makes things a lot easier when you can communicate easily with people, when your accent and grammar don't get in the way of understanding. So I think it's smart that you're working hard on your accent.
The third one is to talk to local people as much as possible and make some friends. Being an immigrant is hard and lonely and it's helpful to have some people in your everyday life who your own friends and not your partner's friends or family. Local people are good friends because you can ask them about stuff you don't understand, and they can show you interesting new places. And friends who are immigrants (not just from your home country but from all over the place) are good, because they understand the challenges you're dealing with and they can offer support and new ideas for how to deal with those things. I avoid events aimed at expats specifically, but I have met a number of good friends in language classes, because (at least it seems to me) that people in language classes are often more interested in finding their way in the local culture, rather than holding themselves separate from it.
Finally, I think you just have to accept that being an immigrant is hard, and that it just makes daily life harder sometimes, particularly when you're surrounded by a foreign language. So I think it's particularly important to take good care of yourself more consciously than you might at home: make sure you eat ok and get enough sleep and if you work at home, get out of the house periodically, and work hard at making connections and meeting new people, even if you were a serious loner/introvert at home. And for example, as an American abroad, my life has gotten a lot better ever since I decided that it isn't my job to explain things about America, or defend America, or to agree about how horrible America is if I don't want to. I'm allowed to back out of debates or discussions I don't want to be a part of, and to save my energy for more important things like figuring out if WD-40 oil is actually sold in this country, and if so, where the hell do I find it.
posted by colfax at 4:29 AM on August 21, 2015
Response by poster: fwiw, i've been living here permanently for over a decade (and first visited about twenty five years ago).
posted by andrewcooke at 5:36 AM on August 21, 2015
posted by andrewcooke at 5:36 AM on August 21, 2015
Hello,
I am a little late but hopefully you will have a chance to see this answer.
I am from Peru. Peru has issues very similar to Chile's (racism, income inequality, extremely low wages among the poor, very cheap labor and a lot of misery and old fashioned snobbery all around).
I have lived in the US for about 6 years now, and I make a solid US middle class living. The salary I make in the US would be an immorally high salary in Peru, although I know people who make the same or much more and live like the Shah.
Thankfully I do not live there, but I think I know what you are talking about based on my very similar feelings whenever I go back there to visit relatives (pretty much every year, sometimes for extended periods of time). Most people in my family employ maids, chauffeurs, butlers and the like. People in my family have the right last name (European, prestigious) and although we are not 100% white, we are light enough (light hair, light eyes) to be envied by those darker than us and accepted by the well-to-dos. It took me years of living abroad to finally accept how disgusting this is.
Anyway, how do you balance wanting to use your own resources to have a comfortable life, and dealing with inequality?
First of all, understand it would be a terrible load for you to carry the injustice of such a fucked up society on your non-multimillionaire, non-powerful politician shoulders.
Second, really consider maybe hiring some local help. I know you said that this is not your duty, but it really isn't a sacrifice! I mean, I will fully admit it is awesome to have a person clean your home and I would totally hire a maid if I could afford it. Paying them well and treating them with respect is just the nature of a win-win situation. If you are not comfortable with cleaning, hire local people to help you perfect your Spanish, or to learn whatever skill you would like to learn, or to take care of your garden.
Third, talk to locals. I have talked to all of the staff in my family, every single person about how things work in the developed world, and how horribly racist Peruvian society is. Many oppressed people in South America don't know they are being taken advantage of because they do not know any better, and they really think white people deserve more than them. Talk to them about the civil rights movement in the US, the fact that the president is black, and the fact that by any modern standards, South American societies are decrepit in their values. I have had a good time in these conversations and people have been genuinely curious about how things work in the US (even with all the social issues we have in the US, it is paradise compared to other places).
Fourth, understand that people live with what they have. People in South America (particularly the poor and the oppressed) are great at living their lives ignoring the fact that other people have it way better than them. This doesn't mean that things are not unfair, but at the end of the day they will go to their very modest home and continue living their lives and your being miserable will not help them one bit.
Just accept the way things are, but be vocal about your disapproval and try to reasonably help whenever you can, although people in need might think you are a softie and might want to take advantage, so I would maybe contribute to organizations or give money to people anonymously just to avoid creating dependence.
People are resilient. They will cope but their problems will also eat you alive if you let them. Talk about how disgusting you find things. Talk to the rich and the poor. The poor will learn about different societies and the rich will take you seriously because you are (presumably) white and wealthy. The rich might even be ashamed if you hint their society is backward.
And finally, don't take it personally. The consequences of inequality are very real, but the reality is that in places like Chile and Peru, the society is sick, and it isn't really about the individuals. The people who you see as disadvantaged will in turn be assholes to those who are browner/poorer than they are. Some of them may not, but believe me, the problem is the racist values mixed with the dog-eat-dog system (as you very well said, the thought that poor people deserve to be poor, because everyone "knows" indigenous people are lazy and dirty and shameful). This is a very deep issue that a couple of donations will never fix.
In summary, help when you can (without feeling you must), don't feel responsible for 500 years of colonialism, and try to live your life with a small degree of intervention (being vocal about civil rights, human rights and democracy), while experiencing things with a touch of academic detachment. Eventually South American people will sort it out, but with the drug war and the crazy wave of predator capitalism, it will take a couple hundred years.
posted by Tarumba at 9:48 AM on August 24, 2015 [4 favorites]
I am a little late but hopefully you will have a chance to see this answer.
I am from Peru. Peru has issues very similar to Chile's (racism, income inequality, extremely low wages among the poor, very cheap labor and a lot of misery and old fashioned snobbery all around).
I have lived in the US for about 6 years now, and I make a solid US middle class living. The salary I make in the US would be an immorally high salary in Peru, although I know people who make the same or much more and live like the Shah.
Thankfully I do not live there, but I think I know what you are talking about based on my very similar feelings whenever I go back there to visit relatives (pretty much every year, sometimes for extended periods of time). Most people in my family employ maids, chauffeurs, butlers and the like. People in my family have the right last name (European, prestigious) and although we are not 100% white, we are light enough (light hair, light eyes) to be envied by those darker than us and accepted by the well-to-dos. It took me years of living abroad to finally accept how disgusting this is.
Anyway, how do you balance wanting to use your own resources to have a comfortable life, and dealing with inequality?
First of all, understand it would be a terrible load for you to carry the injustice of such a fucked up society on your non-multimillionaire, non-powerful politician shoulders.
Second, really consider maybe hiring some local help. I know you said that this is not your duty, but it really isn't a sacrifice! I mean, I will fully admit it is awesome to have a person clean your home and I would totally hire a maid if I could afford it. Paying them well and treating them with respect is just the nature of a win-win situation. If you are not comfortable with cleaning, hire local people to help you perfect your Spanish, or to learn whatever skill you would like to learn, or to take care of your garden.
Third, talk to locals. I have talked to all of the staff in my family, every single person about how things work in the developed world, and how horribly racist Peruvian society is. Many oppressed people in South America don't know they are being taken advantage of because they do not know any better, and they really think white people deserve more than them. Talk to them about the civil rights movement in the US, the fact that the president is black, and the fact that by any modern standards, South American societies are decrepit in their values. I have had a good time in these conversations and people have been genuinely curious about how things work in the US (even with all the social issues we have in the US, it is paradise compared to other places).
Fourth, understand that people live with what they have. People in South America (particularly the poor and the oppressed) are great at living their lives ignoring the fact that other people have it way better than them. This doesn't mean that things are not unfair, but at the end of the day they will go to their very modest home and continue living their lives and your being miserable will not help them one bit.
Just accept the way things are, but be vocal about your disapproval and try to reasonably help whenever you can, although people in need might think you are a softie and might want to take advantage, so I would maybe contribute to organizations or give money to people anonymously just to avoid creating dependence.
People are resilient. They will cope but their problems will also eat you alive if you let them. Talk about how disgusting you find things. Talk to the rich and the poor. The poor will learn about different societies and the rich will take you seriously because you are (presumably) white and wealthy. The rich might even be ashamed if you hint their society is backward.
And finally, don't take it personally. The consequences of inequality are very real, but the reality is that in places like Chile and Peru, the society is sick, and it isn't really about the individuals. The people who you see as disadvantaged will in turn be assholes to those who are browner/poorer than they are. Some of them may not, but believe me, the problem is the racist values mixed with the dog-eat-dog system (as you very well said, the thought that poor people deserve to be poor, because everyone "knows" indigenous people are lazy and dirty and shameful). This is a very deep issue that a couple of donations will never fix.
In summary, help when you can (without feeling you must), don't feel responsible for 500 years of colonialism, and try to live your life with a small degree of intervention (being vocal about civil rights, human rights and democracy), while experiencing things with a touch of academic detachment. Eventually South American people will sort it out, but with the drug war and the crazy wave of predator capitalism, it will take a couple hundred years.
posted by Tarumba at 9:48 AM on August 24, 2015 [4 favorites]
Response by poster: i have not read much fiction the last decade or so, but recently have had more free time and so started again, alternating between "real novels" and the guilty pleasure of science fiction - currently "ancillary sword", in which a spaceship AI, embodied in a human cadaver, works within the society that created her and which she represents, but sympathises with subdued and enslaved races.
it struck me that this was a fairly good analogy of my position, and a possible answer to my question here (partly looking for fictional accounts of how people live within cultural constraints that force them to be on unequal terms with equals). on reflection, i realised that you could find something similar in much good literature. so perhaps a better answer is just to read - anything - while holding the question in mind.
posted by andrewcooke at 5:16 AM on October 21, 2015
it struck me that this was a fairly good analogy of my position, and a possible answer to my question here (partly looking for fictional accounts of how people live within cultural constraints that force them to be on unequal terms with equals). on reflection, i realised that you could find something similar in much good literature. so perhaps a better answer is just to read - anything - while holding the question in mind.
posted by andrewcooke at 5:16 AM on October 21, 2015
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by gorcha at 5:27 AM on August 19, 2015 [4 favorites]