Coming to terms with a messy breakup
March 6, 2016 8:45 AM Subscribe
This relationship destroyed me. I feel that, after having given a lot, I was led on. But now I don't know whether I was wrong to feel this way...
Basically, what would happen is every week or so she would feel the need to cut herself off - from nobody except me - for an indeterminate period of time. Once I went to say hi to her and she ran away and wouldn't talk to me for three days. When this happened, she was rather mean about it too. This really tore me up, and every time I thought, "This isn't really okay", but I wanted to be understanding of her, so I tried to bear with it as much as possible.
In the beginning, she told me that she was very unsure of things, and I wasn't either. But she initiated everything in the relationship - she was the one who said it was in fact "a relationship" - and I told her that she could set the terms for everything. But as time went on, her constant crises about the relationship made me feel very insecure, which she said annoyed her. So I felt I needed to go in the opposite direction and trust that she was committed to this. Which was the exact wording that she used. She told me to be confident, that she definitely wanted to work on the relationship... And I just kind of figured that, two and a half months in, and after saying all this, the situation would not be so uncertain.
So, as mentioned, I trusted her. Any time she had one of these crises I internalized it as a "me problem", that I was just being too insecure, and that this was unfair to her. By the end I had literally gone on Ativan - at the time I told myself that I was just being too anxious, but I now realize that I needed it just to make myself feel okay about her going back and forth all the time on me.
When we ended things, she said we could still be friends, and I turned her away. I told her that she had misled me and hurt me very much, and that this was not something a friend would do. She subsequently attacked me... I didn't mean to be angry or vindictive, I know I didn't need to say anything and that I should have just accepted her friendship on its own terms, but I felt like there was an upper limit to my ability to be compassionate and that needed expression.
Now I just feel really awful and stressed. I don't feel any anger towards her - I know she was doing what she could - but I want to believe that I was reasonable to be upset with how I was treated. It's not even guilt necessarily, but "Do I need to be guilty right now?" Was I wrong?
Thanks in advance for your help.
Basically, what would happen is every week or so she would feel the need to cut herself off - from nobody except me - for an indeterminate period of time. Once I went to say hi to her and she ran away and wouldn't talk to me for three days. When this happened, she was rather mean about it too. This really tore me up, and every time I thought, "This isn't really okay", but I wanted to be understanding of her, so I tried to bear with it as much as possible.
In the beginning, she told me that she was very unsure of things, and I wasn't either. But she initiated everything in the relationship - she was the one who said it was in fact "a relationship" - and I told her that she could set the terms for everything. But as time went on, her constant crises about the relationship made me feel very insecure, which she said annoyed her. So I felt I needed to go in the opposite direction and trust that she was committed to this. Which was the exact wording that she used. She told me to be confident, that she definitely wanted to work on the relationship... And I just kind of figured that, two and a half months in, and after saying all this, the situation would not be so uncertain.
So, as mentioned, I trusted her. Any time she had one of these crises I internalized it as a "me problem", that I was just being too insecure, and that this was unfair to her. By the end I had literally gone on Ativan - at the time I told myself that I was just being too anxious, but I now realize that I needed it just to make myself feel okay about her going back and forth all the time on me.
When we ended things, she said we could still be friends, and I turned her away. I told her that she had misled me and hurt me very much, and that this was not something a friend would do. She subsequently attacked me... I didn't mean to be angry or vindictive, I know I didn't need to say anything and that I should have just accepted her friendship on its own terms, but I felt like there was an upper limit to my ability to be compassionate and that needed expression.
Now I just feel really awful and stressed. I don't feel any anger towards her - I know she was doing what she could - but I want to believe that I was reasonable to be upset with how I was treated. It's not even guilt necessarily, but "Do I need to be guilty right now?" Was I wrong?
Thanks in advance for your help.
Best answer: You were not wrong. Why should anyone be expected to tolerate their girlfriend running away from them and stonewalling them with no explanation? What reason could the have for doing this other than to mess with your head?
posted by showbiz_liz at 8:57 AM on March 6, 2016 [3 favorites]
posted by showbiz_liz at 8:57 AM on March 6, 2016 [3 favorites]
Best answer: You were absolutely right to refuse her friendship, and it sounds like you needed to express it the way you did. You were not wrong in any of this.
posted by Huck500 at 9:02 AM on March 6, 2016 [2 favorites]
posted by Huck500 at 9:02 AM on March 6, 2016 [2 favorites]
Best answer: Yes, you get to be angry and upset when people are shitty to you.
What happened to you is a boundary problem. She behaved in a way that you should have drawn a line on (the inability to relate to you/people as an adult and all the running away and being effectively impossible to interact with) and walked away from.
You didn't. Why? Figure that part out. Low self-esteem? Afraid to be alone? Made you feel important to try to take care of someone who can't take care of themselves? Worried you'd be the bad guy if you walked away? Spend some time on this before you get with anyone else.
She was gaslighting you that it was a relationship in the first place - this should be a fact that has evidence, not something one person tells you is true against all available evidence - which is a form of abuse, and that probably helps explain why you aren't trusting your own feelings at this point. If you have access to therapy, you should pursue it, but if you need to go the book route to start there's been a bunch of great recommendations lately in most of the relationship threads here.
You aren't magical, and you can't "make" people act in certain ways. And while people do have reactions sometimes, 95% of any person's behavior is action, made up of their own choices and influences and issues and goals. Her behavior belonged to her, and your only choice in the world is to not engage with behavior you don't want to allow in your life.
Your behavior belongs to you. Your feet are always under your control. Use them. And for right now, point them in the direction of finding resources to strengthen your resolve so you aren't a desirable target for people who just want (or need or crave or just can't help it, but it's still not your job to fix) to make a mess.
posted by Lyn Never at 9:05 AM on March 6, 2016 [9 favorites]
What happened to you is a boundary problem. She behaved in a way that you should have drawn a line on (the inability to relate to you/people as an adult and all the running away and being effectively impossible to interact with) and walked away from.
You didn't. Why? Figure that part out. Low self-esteem? Afraid to be alone? Made you feel important to try to take care of someone who can't take care of themselves? Worried you'd be the bad guy if you walked away? Spend some time on this before you get with anyone else.
She was gaslighting you that it was a relationship in the first place - this should be a fact that has evidence, not something one person tells you is true against all available evidence - which is a form of abuse, and that probably helps explain why you aren't trusting your own feelings at this point. If you have access to therapy, you should pursue it, but if you need to go the book route to start there's been a bunch of great recommendations lately in most of the relationship threads here.
You aren't magical, and you can't "make" people act in certain ways. And while people do have reactions sometimes, 95% of any person's behavior is action, made up of their own choices and influences and issues and goals. Her behavior belonged to her, and your only choice in the world is to not engage with behavior you don't want to allow in your life.
Your behavior belongs to you. Your feet are always under your control. Use them. And for right now, point them in the direction of finding resources to strengthen your resolve so you aren't a desirable target for people who just want (or need or crave or just can't help it, but it's still not your job to fix) to make a mess.
posted by Lyn Never at 9:05 AM on March 6, 2016 [9 favorites]
Figure out what it was you needed from her, where it comes from, understand it well enough to learn if it is something unreconciled, that needs your care rather than someone else's.
This person is running away from herself, not you. She is running from some aspect of herself she handed off to you and does not want to own. She is in denial.
Take care of your heart, learn about yourself from this. Learn enough to accept yourself, and find some other who is really there with you. She sounds as if she is married, or committed elsewhere. She is not your worry. Take care.
posted by Oyéah at 9:05 AM on March 6, 2016 [1 favorite]
This person is running away from herself, not you. She is running from some aspect of herself she handed off to you and does not want to own. She is in denial.
Take care of your heart, learn about yourself from this. Learn enough to accept yourself, and find some other who is really there with you. She sounds as if she is married, or committed elsewhere. She is not your worry. Take care.
posted by Oyéah at 9:05 AM on March 6, 2016 [1 favorite]
Best answer: She was, deliberately or accidentally, messing with your head. Feeling angry about that is entirely normal. Oh, she attacked you as well? Fuck that shit!
The next time someone walks away, let them go.
posted by Solomon at 9:05 AM on March 6, 2016
The next time someone walks away, let them go.
posted by Solomon at 9:05 AM on March 6, 2016
Best answer: You were not wrong and you need not feel guilty. It is wise, not mean or unreasonable, to cut off contact with someone who is deliberately hurtful. What if she had said, "I'm sorry, I can't help it, I just don't feel fulfilled unless I stick pins in people,"? It's not your job to fix her but neither is it your job to be constantly stuck with pins.
Relationships don't have dramatically different rules from platonic friendships -- we must be kind to our partners above all else because we are uniquely positioned to hurt them -- both because we know their vulnerabilities and because our actions have more impact. So no, thoughtless or deliberately hurtful behavior is not okay in a relationship, just as it would not be ok in any friendship.
You dodged a bullet, imo. Be well, and take care.
posted by janey47 at 9:07 AM on March 6, 2016 [3 favorites]
Relationships don't have dramatically different rules from platonic friendships -- we must be kind to our partners above all else because we are uniquely positioned to hurt them -- both because we know their vulnerabilities and because our actions have more impact. So no, thoughtless or deliberately hurtful behavior is not okay in a relationship, just as it would not be ok in any friendship.
You dodged a bullet, imo. Be well, and take care.
posted by janey47 at 9:07 AM on March 6, 2016 [3 favorites]
Even in the perfect breakup, where no one has wronged anyone else at all, it is completely natural to be angry and upset, and perfectly legitimate to not want to be friends with them.
You get to have your feelings. Asking whether or now your feelings are okay is like asking whether or not it's okay that you're bleeding after being cut with a knife. Sure, others might bleed less or more or not at all from the same cut, but it doesn't matter. You bled. The blood is real, the cut was real. (Sorry for the kinda gruesome metaphor, but it's what came to mind).
posted by bunderful at 9:18 AM on March 6, 2016 [3 favorites]
You get to have your feelings. Asking whether or now your feelings are okay is like asking whether or not it's okay that you're bleeding after being cut with a knife. Sure, others might bleed less or more or not at all from the same cut, but it doesn't matter. You bled. The blood is real, the cut was real. (Sorry for the kinda gruesome metaphor, but it's what came to mind).
posted by bunderful at 9:18 AM on March 6, 2016 [3 favorites]
Best answer:
As far as the way it ended – you're not required to be friends with anyone for any reason. Being friends isn't a severance package that you get at the end of a relationship. You set your own boundaries with people. You made it clear what your boundaries are and she doesn't like that. Well, too bad for her.
posted by deathpanels at 9:19 AM on March 6, 2016 [11 favorites]
But as time went on, her constant crises about the relationship made me feel very insecure, which she said annoyed her. So I felt I needed to go in the opposite direction and trust that she was committed to this. Which was the exact wording that she used. She told me to be confident, that she definitely wanted to work on the relationship... And I just kind of figured that, two and a half months in, and after saying all this, the situation would not be so uncertain.Having this much drama less than three months into a relationship is a bad sign. Pat yourself on the back for getting out of it when you did. You saved yourself potentially years of back-and-forth with her.
As far as the way it ended – you're not required to be friends with anyone for any reason. Being friends isn't a severance package that you get at the end of a relationship. You set your own boundaries with people. You made it clear what your boundaries are and she doesn't like that. Well, too bad for her.
posted by deathpanels at 9:19 AM on March 6, 2016 [11 favorites]
Best answer: That sounds like an awful person. Be done with her in toto.
posted by jpe at 10:06 AM on March 6, 2016
posted by jpe at 10:06 AM on March 6, 2016
Best answer: You're allowed to be as angry as you want to be. You are NOT required to be friends with anyone if you don't want to. And I can certainly understand why you wouldn't want to be friends with someone who jerked you around.
Now, what have you learned? Do you now know not to give people 'the benefit of the doubt' when it comes to being hurt by them? Do you know that people tell you who they are very early on and if you accept bad behavior from them, they'll just keep being jerks to you? Do you know that sometimes you can love someone and it will still not be the right relationship for you?
Demand more from people you're dating. At the very least demand that there isn't drama and game-playing.
Now, reflect a bit on what has happened, and move forward a sadder, but wiser person for this experience.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 10:19 AM on March 6, 2016 [2 favorites]
Now, what have you learned? Do you now know not to give people 'the benefit of the doubt' when it comes to being hurt by them? Do you know that people tell you who they are very early on and if you accept bad behavior from them, they'll just keep being jerks to you? Do you know that sometimes you can love someone and it will still not be the right relationship for you?
Demand more from people you're dating. At the very least demand that there isn't drama and game-playing.
Now, reflect a bit on what has happened, and move forward a sadder, but wiser person for this experience.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 10:19 AM on March 6, 2016 [2 favorites]
You might want to read Attached - it sounds like she's seriously 'avoidant' and it might help you understand how there really wasn't anything you could have done to make it work, and provide guidance on how to avoid similar experiences in the future.
posted by scrute at 10:31 AM on March 6, 2016
posted by scrute at 10:31 AM on March 6, 2016
Best answer: Running away from you and refusing to speak to you is called the cut direct and is the worst insult one person can level at another. It's the kind of thing you do to someone who has committed a crime against you, for example, and who isn't already behind bars such that you feel unsafe interacting with them.
Once someone has insulted you on this scale, you need to consider the relationship over. Regardless of who is at fault, you also need to be prepared to accept a snub gracefully.
You have described someone whose actions have cut her off from being able to be in a relationship with you. You have every right to feel insulted, because you were insulted, extremely severely and without provocation on your part.
posted by tel3path at 12:10 PM on March 6, 2016 [2 favorites]
Once someone has insulted you on this scale, you need to consider the relationship over. Regardless of who is at fault, you also need to be prepared to accept a snub gracefully.
You have described someone whose actions have cut her off from being able to be in a relationship with you. You have every right to feel insulted, because you were insulted, extremely severely and without provocation on your part.
posted by tel3path at 12:10 PM on March 6, 2016 [2 favorites]
Best answer: The other thing is, you don't have to be friends with your exes. I am casually friendly with most of mine, so I'm not saying this from a place of grar, but...you just don't have to be. They can all be delightful women who are nice and sweet and brilliant and funny, and if you don't want to be friends with them, you don't have to. Don't feel that unless an ex is a monster you have to be friends.
This woman sounds like much too much drama - at best an inexperienced person who doesn't know how to figure out how to act around people and who therefore goes around "making herself interesting" through creating drama. You're absolutely right to step back from her, and it is okay to ignore anything she says about or to you at this point. The best case scenario here is that she realizes that she torpedoed your relationship and your friendship, and takes a long look at her own behavior.
posted by Frowner at 12:42 PM on March 6, 2016
This woman sounds like much too much drama - at best an inexperienced person who doesn't know how to figure out how to act around people and who therefore goes around "making herself interesting" through creating drama. You're absolutely right to step back from her, and it is okay to ignore anything she says about or to you at this point. The best case scenario here is that she realizes that she torpedoed your relationship and your friendship, and takes a long look at her own behavior.
posted by Frowner at 12:42 PM on March 6, 2016
Best answer: I should have just accepted her friendship on its own terms
Nobody deserves your friendship. You don't want to see or talk to her again? Don't see or talk to her again. That's the only justification you need. She has no right to expect anything from you, other than basic civility during being broken-up with.
(You appear to have more than enough justification, but that's almost beside the point)
posted by BungaDunga at 12:58 PM on March 6, 2016 [1 favorite]
Nobody deserves your friendship. You don't want to see or talk to her again? Don't see or talk to her again. That's the only justification you need. She has no right to expect anything from you, other than basic civility during being broken-up with.
(You appear to have more than enough justification, but that's almost beside the point)
posted by BungaDunga at 12:58 PM on March 6, 2016 [1 favorite]
Best answer: "Gaslighting or gas-lighting is a form of mental abuse in which information is twisted or spun, selectively omitted to favor the abuser, or false information is presented with the intent of making victims doubt their own memory, perception, and sanity.
Gaslighting - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
Wikipedia › wiki › Gaslighting.
Why would you accept her friendship "on it's own terms"? You already know her terms make you physically ill. You have my permission to cut the guilt trip short, go home and count your blessings.
posted by BoscosMom at 1:33 PM on March 6, 2016
Gaslighting - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
Wikipedia › wiki › Gaslighting.
Why would you accept her friendship "on it's own terms"? You already know her terms make you physically ill. You have my permission to cut the guilt trip short, go home and count your blessings.
posted by BoscosMom at 1:33 PM on March 6, 2016
I didn't mean to be angry or vindictive, I know I didn't need to say anything and that I should have just accepted her friendship on its own terms, but I felt like there was an upper limit to my ability to be compassionate and that needed expression.
1. If you were angry, that's okay; people are allowed to get angry. 2. You don't sound vindictive. 3. You didn't need to say anything but you were totally allowed to say something. 4. There is no reason in hell you should have "just accepted her friendship on its own terms" (a creepy and disturbing idea unless you were okay with those terms and, clearly, you weren't and had no reason to be). 5. There's an upper limit to all human ability to be compassionate, including yours, and 6. It's great that you expressed your limit and shared your feelings.
It's really common for me to feel as though I am justifiably angry and to want to express that anger (or emotion or whatever) to the person involved and have that person hear it as I intend it and to immediately understand/love/accept/like/approve of me anyway. And that's not usually how it works. Usually if I refuse to accept some kind of shit--even if I do it politely and kindly, saying, "No, thank you, dear person, I've had enough shit from you and will be accepting no more shit from you today or in the future," the other person often gets furious.
It's understandable, really. There I was accepting shit for days or weeks or months or (in one notable case, involving my dad) years, and suddenly I stop accepting it. And the other person is all, WTF??? and all, how dare I suddenly stop accepting this tasty shit they've been dishing out to me for ages, which I accepted without complaint until this very moment! Naturally, that's a challenging moment for all concerned.
So I am trying to teach myself to A. Stop accepting shit, once I recognise it, as quickly as possible so as to train the other person that I Do Not Accept Shit and B. Accept that I have zero control over how others will respond when I set necessary boundaries involving our relationship. Sure, I would like those folks to reward me with hugs and kisses and trophies for taking care of myself, but that almost never happens. But I need to face their potential wrath anyway because shit is not actually tasty and because self-love, self-care, and self-compassion are wondrous and powerful things. :-)
You did the right thing. You have healthier relationships ahead of you. Go you!
posted by Bella Donna at 2:46 PM on March 6, 2016 [2 favorites]
1. If you were angry, that's okay; people are allowed to get angry. 2. You don't sound vindictive. 3. You didn't need to say anything but you were totally allowed to say something. 4. There is no reason in hell you should have "just accepted her friendship on its own terms" (a creepy and disturbing idea unless you were okay with those terms and, clearly, you weren't and had no reason to be). 5. There's an upper limit to all human ability to be compassionate, including yours, and 6. It's great that you expressed your limit and shared your feelings.
It's really common for me to feel as though I am justifiably angry and to want to express that anger (or emotion or whatever) to the person involved and have that person hear it as I intend it and to immediately understand/love/accept/like/approve of me anyway. And that's not usually how it works. Usually if I refuse to accept some kind of shit--even if I do it politely and kindly, saying, "No, thank you, dear person, I've had enough shit from you and will be accepting no more shit from you today or in the future," the other person often gets furious.
It's understandable, really. There I was accepting shit for days or weeks or months or (in one notable case, involving my dad) years, and suddenly I stop accepting it. And the other person is all, WTF??? and all, how dare I suddenly stop accepting this tasty shit they've been dishing out to me for ages, which I accepted without complaint until this very moment! Naturally, that's a challenging moment for all concerned.
So I am trying to teach myself to A. Stop accepting shit, once I recognise it, as quickly as possible so as to train the other person that I Do Not Accept Shit and B. Accept that I have zero control over how others will respond when I set necessary boundaries involving our relationship. Sure, I would like those folks to reward me with hugs and kisses and trophies for taking care of myself, but that almost never happens. But I need to face their potential wrath anyway because shit is not actually tasty and because self-love, self-care, and self-compassion are wondrous and powerful things. :-)
You did the right thing. You have healthier relationships ahead of you. Go you!
posted by Bella Donna at 2:46 PM on March 6, 2016 [2 favorites]
Best answer: It looks to me like she perped on you from the get go. You told her early you'd do anything she wanted, and she put you through your paces according to that metric. Don't tell people they can have that power over you. And don't actually relinquish that kind of power (or bail on your relationship responsibilities) to anyone.
When she took total control (she even tells you when/if it's a relationship - *you* get to be part of that decision,) she eroded your sense of normalcy (hiding from you, withholding) whilst she simultaneously told you to show confidence. Shooting fish in a barrel is no challenge - you needed to wriggle on the hook and fight a bit to feed some shitty dysfunctional need she has.
Who knows why she's like this, and who cares. You have enough friends. You don't need traumatic agents who want to keep controlling you, deciding again for you how this relationship is defined. 'You don't call the shots on how I choose to go forward, and that includes continuing attempts to control whether we're 'friends' or not.' No contact.
The time you're spending fretting about her paradigm is time you're not looking out for yourself. Why did you want to cede so much so quickly to a clearly socially dysfunctional unit? What impedes your self confidence? What kind of relationship do *you* want? What would it look like?
posted by honey-barbara at 5:50 PM on March 6, 2016 [4 favorites]
When she took total control (she even tells you when/if it's a relationship - *you* get to be part of that decision,) she eroded your sense of normalcy (hiding from you, withholding) whilst she simultaneously told you to show confidence. Shooting fish in a barrel is no challenge - you needed to wriggle on the hook and fight a bit to feed some shitty dysfunctional need she has.
Who knows why she's like this, and who cares. You have enough friends. You don't need traumatic agents who want to keep controlling you, deciding again for you how this relationship is defined. 'You don't call the shots on how I choose to go forward, and that includes continuing attempts to control whether we're 'friends' or not.' No contact.
The time you're spending fretting about her paradigm is time you're not looking out for yourself. Why did you want to cede so much so quickly to a clearly socially dysfunctional unit? What impedes your self confidence? What kind of relationship do *you* want? What would it look like?
posted by honey-barbara at 5:50 PM on March 6, 2016 [4 favorites]
>I should have just accepted her friendship on its own terms
No, you shouldn't have.
You were completely in the right to tell her you didn't want to be friends. That she reacted badly is on her, and is not in any way a reflection of whether your behaviour was OK.
Also, you are not obligated to be friends with people who want to be friends with you. Ever. No matter how wonderful they are or how much they want it or how invested they are or any excuse whatsoever. You are never, ever, required to be friends.
I strongly recommend you do a handful of sessions with a therapist. First, to gain some perspective and help put yourself back together. But secondly, because it sounds like you have a lot of difficulty establishing and defending fair, appropriate boundaries, that you feel guilty for doing so even though boundaries are a healthy, normal part of being a functioning adult.
posted by Cozybee at 3:40 AM on March 7, 2016 [2 favorites]
No, you shouldn't have.
You were completely in the right to tell her you didn't want to be friends. That she reacted badly is on her, and is not in any way a reflection of whether your behaviour was OK.
Also, you are not obligated to be friends with people who want to be friends with you. Ever. No matter how wonderful they are or how much they want it or how invested they are or any excuse whatsoever. You are never, ever, required to be friends.
I strongly recommend you do a handful of sessions with a therapist. First, to gain some perspective and help put yourself back together. But secondly, because it sounds like you have a lot of difficulty establishing and defending fair, appropriate boundaries, that you feel guilty for doing so even though boundaries are a healthy, normal part of being a functioning adult.
posted by Cozybee at 3:40 AM on March 7, 2016 [2 favorites]
When we ended things, she said we could still be friends, and I turned her away. I told her that she had misled me and hurt me very much, and that this was not something a friend would do.
This is the best part of your story: the moment when you stood up for yourself. Until that point, you let her define everything, and that wasn't healthy for either of you. You need to set boundaries and look out for yourself so people don't run roughshod over you and you can have healthy, mutually respectful relationships. It took you a while to get to the right place, but you did take a stand for yourself and I would work on cultivating that part of yourself.
posted by Area Man at 6:30 AM on March 7, 2016 [2 favorites]
This is the best part of your story: the moment when you stood up for yourself. Until that point, you let her define everything, and that wasn't healthy for either of you. You need to set boundaries and look out for yourself so people don't run roughshod over you and you can have healthy, mutually respectful relationships. It took you a while to get to the right place, but you did take a stand for yourself and I would work on cultivating that part of yourself.
posted by Area Man at 6:30 AM on March 7, 2016 [2 favorites]
Maybe everything took a wrong turn when you "told her that she could set the terms for everything"?
I suggest that you consider the implications of that concession. On its face, it sounds generous and open-handed, but it also operates as a way to place the whole burden of the relationship on one of the partners. That can be exhausting. Your partner is not your mother or your therapist.
It's perfectly normal and OK to be insecure, but most of the time other people don't want to know. They have their own needs and insecurities. Next time push back a little, make the woman feel she can rely on you in rough times?
posted by Pechorin at 6:52 AM on March 7, 2016
I suggest that you consider the implications of that concession. On its face, it sounds generous and open-handed, but it also operates as a way to place the whole burden of the relationship on one of the partners. That can be exhausting. Your partner is not your mother or your therapist.
It's perfectly normal and OK to be insecure, but most of the time other people don't want to know. They have their own needs and insecurities. Next time push back a little, make the woman feel she can rely on you in rough times?
posted by Pechorin at 6:52 AM on March 7, 2016
When we ended things
I find it interesting that you don't say who actually instigated the break up. Someone had to get that ball rolling, it didn't just happen on its own. You probably would have said that you instigated the breakup if you had, since you're already putting yourself on a cross over how you behaved when she suggested you could be friends. I could be wrong about that though, it's just hard to tell.
Regardless, you don't owe an ex your continued friendship. If you ended things I think it's understandable what you said to her suggestion that you could still be friends. If she ended things she's lucky she got off that easy.
The key thing for you would be to have better boundaries way earlier on and enforce them. She's mainly upset because you pointed out how poorly you felt she treated you when she probably thought she did nothing wrong and she was like "that's news to me!"
posted by Green With You at 10:34 AM on March 7, 2016
I find it interesting that you don't say who actually instigated the break up. Someone had to get that ball rolling, it didn't just happen on its own. You probably would have said that you instigated the breakup if you had, since you're already putting yourself on a cross over how you behaved when she suggested you could be friends. I could be wrong about that though, it's just hard to tell.
Regardless, you don't owe an ex your continued friendship. If you ended things I think it's understandable what you said to her suggestion that you could still be friends. If she ended things she's lucky she got off that easy.
The key thing for you would be to have better boundaries way earlier on and enforce them. She's mainly upset because you pointed out how poorly you felt she treated you when she probably thought she did nothing wrong and she was like "that's news to me!"
posted by Green With You at 10:34 AM on March 7, 2016
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posted by Alterscape at 8:56 AM on March 6, 2016 [1 favorite]