Are we self-sabotaging or is it the right thing?
February 22, 2016 10:11 PM Subscribe
My girlfriend of 4 years and I have recently started having some very matter of fact conversations about our relationship. We're each sort of wondering if it's got 'too serious' for this point in our lives.
Put briefly, does this make any sense? Or are we just sabotaging something that's otherwise fine?
If you've watched master of none, I think the series finale played a hand in precipitating a lot of thoughts that had otherwise been buzzing in the background.
Some context for this; I'm 22, she's 25. We met in my first year of uni, and for both of us this was really our first experience dating. We hit 4 years in December, including 10 months long distance, and have been living together for about 16 months (the housing market here sort of forces couples into this situation).
That our contact has a 3 month break clause is just one thing complicating this. Another factor is me; I'm flexible to a fault, and so when my girlfriend initiated these conversations she seems to believe that I'm only agreeing out of politeness, when in truth I've also been wondering if this is working. This might also be a defensive thing from her; she confessed that if it's only her who's doubtful about things then that lets her control what happens, and she feels worried if that's not the case.
What makes me doubt my doubts (it's doubt all the way down) is that we're otherwise fine? I still enjoy her company, the sex is still good... We maybe squabble more but not explosively. But somehow we're each wondering if we need space for ourselves or to do our own thing, especially as she wants to leave the city when her PhD ends next October.
On top of that, she's said that if we split up she'd still like to live together in a 2-bed place, but that thought just makes me uneasy.
TL;DR: Is this just anxiety wrecking things or is this just not the right time for this relationship?
If you've watched master of none, I think the series finale played a hand in precipitating a lot of thoughts that had otherwise been buzzing in the background.
Some context for this; I'm 22, she's 25. We met in my first year of uni, and for both of us this was really our first experience dating. We hit 4 years in December, including 10 months long distance, and have been living together for about 16 months (the housing market here sort of forces couples into this situation).
That our contact has a 3 month break clause is just one thing complicating this. Another factor is me; I'm flexible to a fault, and so when my girlfriend initiated these conversations she seems to believe that I'm only agreeing out of politeness, when in truth I've also been wondering if this is working. This might also be a defensive thing from her; she confessed that if it's only her who's doubtful about things then that lets her control what happens, and she feels worried if that's not the case.
What makes me doubt my doubts (it's doubt all the way down) is that we're otherwise fine? I still enjoy her company, the sex is still good... We maybe squabble more but not explosively. But somehow we're each wondering if we need space for ourselves or to do our own thing, especially as she wants to leave the city when her PhD ends next October.
On top of that, she's said that if we split up she'd still like to live together in a 2-bed place, but that thought just makes me uneasy.
TL;DR: Is this just anxiety wrecking things or is this just not the right time for this relationship?
You've been dating for four years, yet at no point in this post have you mentioned the word "love." Your relationship is at Level Comfortable Friendship; you like each other fine, but there's nothing to indicate a desire for a lasting relationship from either party. It seems like you're still dating to maintain the status quo.
Even if there's nothing outwardly wrong, it's all right to break up if there's no sense of chemistry. You both deserve to be in relationships where both partners are excited to be with each other.
posted by mlo at 10:25 PM on February 22, 2016 [9 favorites]
Even if there's nothing outwardly wrong, it's all right to break up if there's no sense of chemistry. You both deserve to be in relationships where both partners are excited to be with each other.
posted by mlo at 10:25 PM on February 22, 2016 [9 favorites]
I may be reading too much in to this but this makes me think - You were very young when you met - just starting to turn into your adult selves. Especially if you are a super flexible guy, you may be feeling the need to find out who you are in ways that are hard to do when you are constantly sharing your life with someone that you are inclined to accommodate. This would be a good reason to separate even if things are moderately good - you need some space to find out who you are before you proceed with making a long-term commitment to someone else.
If this fits at all, you really, really don't want to share an apartment after you break up - you will need space to find out what you want when you aren't part of a couple.
posted by metahawk at 10:31 PM on February 22, 2016 [6 favorites]
If this fits at all, you really, really don't want to share an apartment after you break up - you will need space to find out what you want when you aren't part of a couple.
posted by metahawk at 10:31 PM on February 22, 2016 [6 favorites]
There's no "right" thing, especially at this phase of life. If you want to stay together, stay together. If you're tired of that, then do something else. Try not to overthink it too much (easier said than done, I know).
posted by salvia at 10:44 PM on February 22, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by salvia at 10:44 PM on February 22, 2016 [1 favorite]
From my experience, 3-4 years is about the time you start asking yourself if this relationship is in it for the long haul.
Honestly? If you guys are thinking about breaking up because of a lease ending, that's... not great. You even mention "the housing market" had an influence in "forcing" you guys to live together. And your girlfriend is still up for living together if you break up? It all sounds a bit lukewarm and maybe this relationship has run its course. Nothing is disastrous here, it's just kind of reached its peak.
posted by like_neon at 1:23 AM on February 23, 2016 [3 favorites]
Honestly? If you guys are thinking about breaking up because of a lease ending, that's... not great. You even mention "the housing market" had an influence in "forcing" you guys to live together. And your girlfriend is still up for living together if you break up? It all sounds a bit lukewarm and maybe this relationship has run its course. Nothing is disastrous here, it's just kind of reached its peak.
posted by like_neon at 1:23 AM on February 23, 2016 [3 favorites]
Do you love her? Are you happy? Do you see yourself with her until you're old ?
I suspect that while you both still like each other, that this has wound down. If you broke up would you be devestated, or is it more that you'd miss her company, but you know you'd be okay.
After four years, if you're thinking of a future together, you more than likely would planning marriage and a family. That you're not even thinking about it indicates that it's time to move on.
This sounds like the kind of relationship where you'd be great friends afterwards, but you'd make shitty roommates.
Good luck to you!
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 4:46 AM on February 23, 2016 [1 favorite]
I suspect that while you both still like each other, that this has wound down. If you broke up would you be devestated, or is it more that you'd miss her company, but you know you'd be okay.
After four years, if you're thinking of a future together, you more than likely would planning marriage and a family. That you're not even thinking about it indicates that it's time to move on.
This sounds like the kind of relationship where you'd be great friends afterwards, but you'd make shitty roommates.
Good luck to you!
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 4:46 AM on February 23, 2016 [1 favorite]
You may think it would be fine to continue living together because you get along pretty well and are both seeming ambivalent about the relationship, but add a breakup where a few uncharitable things may be said and then consider that one or both of you would likely start dating new people... and I think you will see why continuing to live together is a terrible idea.
posted by treehorn+bunny at 5:23 AM on February 23, 2016 [5 favorites]
posted by treehorn+bunny at 5:23 AM on February 23, 2016 [5 favorites]
having some very matter of fact conversations about our relationship.
Well, that's something. You may or may not know that there are significant numbers of otherwise apparent adults who can't actually do this -- this things where you're self-aware about what's going on and can actually talk about it with your partner.
That alone certainly doesn't mean that you should stay together, but it's a significant plus and a good place to start.
posted by wildblueyonder at 5:35 AM on February 23, 2016
Well, that's something. You may or may not know that there are significant numbers of otherwise apparent adults who can't actually do this -- this things where you're self-aware about what's going on and can actually talk about it with your partner.
That alone certainly doesn't mean that you should stay together, but it's a significant plus and a good place to start.
posted by wildblueyonder at 5:35 AM on February 23, 2016
It's the right thing.
To be really blunt- and I'm sorry if this come across as too harsh- the value of a 25 year old straight woman on the dating market is really, really high. The value of a 22 year old straight man on the dating market is less high. She is at the point in her life where she will be getting other, better offers very soon and those offers might be serious offers, not "first relationship/practice date" offers, if you see what I mean.
This is an age thing. Four years ago she was 21. That's young enough to muck about and do whatever. So is 22. 25? That's when you start asking yourself serious long-term questions.
I mean, yeah, at 22 staying in an okay relationship and getting the sex, companionship, and saving on bills sounds great! Sure does! Being a single 22 year old is kinda hard and scary!
But she's not 22 anymore.
Do not live together if you split up. She probably just doesn't want to find new housing before October but isn't sure if the relationship can last that long. Agree that it can last that long but you guys will kinda cool off, and remain living together OR agree that you need to split up now and she needs to couch surf.
posted by quincunx at 6:53 AM on February 23, 2016 [6 favorites]
To be really blunt- and I'm sorry if this come across as too harsh- the value of a 25 year old straight woman on the dating market is really, really high. The value of a 22 year old straight man on the dating market is less high. She is at the point in her life where she will be getting other, better offers very soon and those offers might be serious offers, not "first relationship/practice date" offers, if you see what I mean.
This is an age thing. Four years ago she was 21. That's young enough to muck about and do whatever. So is 22. 25? That's when you start asking yourself serious long-term questions.
I mean, yeah, at 22 staying in an okay relationship and getting the sex, companionship, and saving on bills sounds great! Sure does! Being a single 22 year old is kinda hard and scary!
But she's not 22 anymore.
Do not live together if you split up. She probably just doesn't want to find new housing before October but isn't sure if the relationship can last that long. Agree that it can last that long but you guys will kinda cool off, and remain living together OR agree that you need to split up now and she needs to couch surf.
posted by quincunx at 6:53 AM on February 23, 2016 [6 favorites]
Squabbling happens because the two people haven't learned a better way -- which is true of the majority of couples, I'd guess. Right now the squabbling feels manageable, but things can only get better if you both develop some better habits for listening and expressing feelings. You've probably heard about "active listening" -- you hear the other person out without interrupting; you draw them out with nods, mm hmms, and maintaining silence; you paraphrase what they've said to make sure you understood and so they know you heard them. When talking, you talk about how you feel, with no name-calling (like "stubborn" or "inconsiderate") or accusations, and say what you DO want. When I first read about it, it sounded like a trite formula that would feel artificial in real life. But the relationship I was in then is about to hit its 30th anniversary, and we communicate really well (though it's still hard to do sometimes.)
Both people in ANY couple need separate interests and activities. It's really common for couples to overlook this, and it's really important. Without it, eventually you have little to talk about, and both can feel irritated or resentful even though they freely chose to focus on things their partners are into. Another great thing about developing your own interests, friends, hobbies, activities....is that you have a much easier time when a relationship ends, because you actually have a life that doesn't disappear when your SO leaves.
posted by wryly at 10:05 AM on February 23, 2016
Both people in ANY couple need separate interests and activities. It's really common for couples to overlook this, and it's really important. Without it, eventually you have little to talk about, and both can feel irritated or resentful even though they freely chose to focus on things their partners are into. Another great thing about developing your own interests, friends, hobbies, activities....is that you have a much easier time when a relationship ends, because you actually have a life that doesn't disappear when your SO leaves.
posted by wryly at 10:05 AM on February 23, 2016
You're both at an age when you still have time to maximize your relationship possibilities. Don't squander it. Become the best yous and figure out what kind of person is best suited. What sort of life do you both envision living at 40, itinerant or settled, and what are your SOs like? If 40 is too far out to think about start with five years.
posted by alusru at 2:37 PM on February 23, 2016
posted by alusru at 2:37 PM on February 23, 2016
This thread is closed to new comments.
On the other hand, staying in a relationship just because it doesn't suck yet sounds a lot like self-sabotage. (So does sharing a flat with a recent ex.)
posted by ottereroticist at 10:20 PM on February 22, 2016