Toddler no longer able to sleep on his own

December 18, 2005 2:21 PM

Help us get our 20 month old to sleep on his own again.

Our son never had a problem sleeping in his crib and hardly ever cried when we would put him to bed. A few weeks ago he had an ear infection and ended up coming in our bed for the night. I then went out of town for a week during which time my wife said he was crying a lot at night and just wouldn't settle so again, he ended up in our bed another two or three nights. Now, he can't bear to be in his crib on his own at all. For the past week and a half he's been waking up in the night and will scream uncontrollably until we go in, at which point he calms down. As soon as we leave the room, the screaming starts again. We thought he just needed to get back into his routine and that it would take a few nights but it's now been a week and half and there's been no improvement at all. We've avoided bringing him back into our bed but the nights have been hell. We try not to let him cry for more than 10-15 minutes each time before going in to calm him down but this pattern of going in, followed by screaming and crying as soon as we leave will last for hours every night with us going back and forth about 10-15 times per night.

We've tried staying in the room until he falls to sleep but he seems to wake up a few minutes later, realize we're not there and the whole thing starts all over again. It's like he's reverted to a newborn in his sleeping habits.

We follow the same routine every night as we did before i.e. milk,brush teeth, quiet time with book, etc.

How should we be handling this? Whatever we're doing, it's obviously not working and we're just so tired that tonight we've resigned ourselves to taking him in our bed just so we can get some sleep. We talked about letting him cry it out but don't think this is the right thing to do, especially if he may be through some separation anxiety brought on by my going away for a week.

If anyone has gone through this and has any suggestions I'd appreciate it. We're really at our wits end here. Thanks.

posted by gfrobe to human relations (16 comments total)

There is a ton of good advice in this thread.
posted by Alison at 2:44 PM on December 18, 2005

Is it feasible to bring the crib into your room rather then having him the your bed? Perhaps moving it over a period of nights further from the bed?

That is the best I can offer other then letting him cry it out, which sounds like is creating an incredible stress. I think bringing him back to your bed would just exacerbate the problem however.
posted by edgeways at 2:45 PM on December 18, 2005

We've avoided bringing him back into our bed but the nights have been hell. We try not to let him cry for more than 10-15 minutes each time before going in to calm him down but this pattern of going in, followed by screaming and crying as soon as we leave will last for hours every night with us going back and forth about 10-15 times per night.

Have you tried a Ferber-ized version of this technique? I.e go in after 5 minutes the first time, then wait 10 minutes, then 15 minutes each time the first night. The following night repeat but then the last interval becomes 20 minutes, etc.

We had great success with Ferber, and the lengthening interval between visits seems pretty integral to the process.
posted by jalexei at 2:46 PM on December 18, 2005

It's a basic case of behavior modification: Your kid is being rewarded--ie sleeping with the parents--for screaming. The schedule you and your wife have followed is a variable reinforcement--sometimes the kid gets what it wants, and sometimes not--which is the hardest one to break.

As a parent myself, I know how much this sucks. You're going to have to put up with a bit of crying for a while ... but if you don't stop it now, it will just get worse.

I'd second what jalexei said. That would be the easiest way to handle breaking this cycle, for both you and the kid.
posted by lester at 3:09 PM on December 18, 2005

Thanks for the suggestions. Alison, I will go through that thread. Moving the crib into our room isn't really an option due to space issues. And I think we basically are doing a Ferber method here i.e. 5 minutes to start, then 10, etc. However, we haven't really gone over the 15-20 minute mark because his crying is so hysterical. It's then 20 minute intervals for next few hours.
posted by gfrobe at 3:14 PM on December 18, 2005

Let him cry. He'll get tired eventually.
posted by zerolives at 4:05 PM on December 18, 2005

You could take this as an opportunity to consider whether even to wain him off at this time - see this thread. There's evidence that co-sleeping during the early years may help to hasten neurological development - which to me tends to indicate it's the natural way.
posted by abcde at 4:15 PM on December 18, 2005

Our 4 year old is *still* spending the night with us - She goes down fine, but, if she awakens, she moves like a ghost and we discover her in our bed when we awaken.

You don't actually say what, or rather, why, the change is so important - we took the view that it was the way it was supposed to be, that is, She sleeps in her own bed etc - but then we sat and thought about it, and realised that we were inadvertently re-enforcing the problem by pushing her away - IE giving her something to stand against - when we chilled out about the whole affair, and went down the route of "Sure!", it became less of an importance for her - which was a lovely relief from the total negativity surrounding such circumstances.

Our two year old is totally the opposite. Won't sleep unless she's in *her* bed - getting her out of it is the problem!

Leaving them to 'cry themselves to sleep' is *not* the answer in my opinion - it's a relic from the old days where children were raised differently in every aspect, and were different 'creatures' - we tried that with the 4yo when she was 2 and she scaled the cot and launched herself off the top - I was stood at the doorway out of her sight and couldn't believe it - nose bleed and so on but nothing major except the obvious sincerity of a child who didn't want to be left alone - So we didn't :)

Anyways - nowadays she wakes me up to complain about my snoring - I tell her to sod off to her own bed; and she does. ROFL. The important thing is to discover what will work for your individual unique circumstances - all the pop psych is fine, but it will require tailoring to fit you and yours - *getting* sleep is what is important, not much else.

Specifics: Two way intercom (Phillips DEC is a good but expensive) - a whispered 'Sssh sssh ssssh' works wonders / Appropriate night light - Buzz rotating for example (Ours is dancing disney princesses) / remove sides of cot see what happens / increase weight of night bottle / At his age, teeth is an issue - does he have a dummy? If not, get one - just police it so it is a night time thing or sleeping thing / Tried calpol in conjunction with the rest

Phew. Knackered. Going to bed;)
posted by DrtyBlvd at 6:51 PM on December 18, 2005

Friends of mine just went through this with their 19 month old. He had been sleeping through the night in his crib since he was 6 months old. Once the night waking and crying started, the only thing that soothed him was the singing of "row, row, row your boat" over and over again. Frustrated and exhausted my friends consulted their pediatrician who suggested the cry it out method. He cried (screamed) for 75 min. the first night, 25 min. the second night and 3 min. the third night. The fourth night he said "bye bye" and fell asleep.
Not sure what I would do in your shoes (currently co-sleeping with a 6 month old), but my friends are thrilled that their son is again sleeping through the night.
posted by peeps! at 7:58 PM on December 18, 2005

i don't disagree with what's been pointed out here, but there's an alternative explanation ... your son no longer feels safe in his crib because he's starting to get too big for it and it feels unsteady to him

my daughter did the same thing around that age ... the solution was to get rid of the crib and put her in her own bed ...
posted by pyramid termite at 8:30 PM on December 18, 2005

Seconding pyramid termite. We got ours a "big girl bed" (just a mattress on the floor) at around 16 mo's and she thought it was the coolest thing ever.
posted by Eothele at 9:42 PM on December 18, 2005

We pretty much did the Ferberising thing with our now almost-three year old and it worked okay for us. He regressed badly after we did a month-long trip overseas around his second birthday, so now he sleeps with a nightlight in the hall and his bedroom door open, but that's not something that concerns us in the long term.

There are a couple of techniques being touted lately by an NZ Supernanny type:

1. Sit in the bedroom on a chair and keep them company until they are deeply asleep. Each night move the chair closer and closer to the door, then into the hallway, then back to normal. Take a book or listen to music on headphones. Don't interact with him if you can help it.

2. Put him to bed, and tell him you'll be back in one minute to check on him and make sure he's okay. Go away. Come back in one minute, congratulate him on staying put and not screaming (hopefully!). Tell him you'll be back in two minutes. Then five minutes, ten, twenty, half an hour. Make him feel good about doing it the way you want.

There's always star charts (one star every night he stays in bed all night without fuss, a treat of some kind at the end of a row), or a nightlight, or a particular CD that you play every night. Maybe giving him some control over his bedtime routine -- choosing his own music or cuddly toy, for example -- would help. I think 20 months is old enough for him to exert a little influence over his sleeping, even if it's only enough for him to feel better.
posted by tracicle at 10:16 PM on December 18, 2005

TIME just ran a great piece on all the different schools of thought with regard to getting babies to sleep. Only thing is, you'll have to pay to get the whole article.
posted by JPowers at 11:04 PM on December 18, 2005

Your kid is being rewarded--ie sleeping with the parents--for screaming. Rewarding?! The child is understandably scared, he was very sick (we know it is 'just' an ear infection, but the child does not know that) and missed a parent for a week!

I second the idea of trying the big boy bed.

And consider that it is probably just a phase, if you let it be. My two year old always sleeps with us (she starts on her own mattress, and comes to me in the middle of the night), but suddenly, two weeks ago, she did not want to sleep if I was not there all the time. I second thought everything I did and started to wish I had just let her sleep in a crib from when she were a baby. And then, all of a sudden, she went back to sleep fine again. She probably went throug some developmental spurt, and she had a cold on top of that. Your child had much more going on, and he is younger.

In my opinion the If we do not do something about it now it will never be right and he will be spoiled for life mindset is such a shame.
posted by davar at 1:51 AM on December 19, 2005

On re-reading that last comment: I do not mean to imply that that is your mindset, it is just one I see so often in other parents.
posted by davar at 2:32 AM on December 19, 2005

Thanks all. We're going to try buying a toddler bed and see if that helps.
posted by gfrobe at 8:20 AM on December 19, 2005