Co-Sleeping?

January 13, 2005 9:15 AM

NewParentFilter: To Co-Sleep or not to Co-Sleep, that is the question! The Family Bed versus 'give 'em their own room' is like the proverbial Protestant vs. Catholic thing-- The battle lines are fiercely drawn and both sides are convinced the other is the devil's work. We can easily weigh and analyze all the co-sleeping arguments (pro and con) that affect us (the parents) ie. like love life and worse sleep. But what about for the kid? What is really best for her? Any real research on this? Any anecdotal stuff that might help us decide?
posted by limitedpie to Human Relations (30 answers total)

You.Must.Do.What.Works.For.You.
posted by raedyn at 9:28 AM on January 13, 2005

The book Our Babies, Ourselves has lots of cross-cultural research on the effects of baby-wearing, breastfeeding and co-sleeping, including studies that measure the average amount of time babies in various cultures cry. It's a very interesting book.
posted by xo at 9:37 AM on January 13, 2005

Agree with raedyn. Both of ours slept in cribs beside our bed when they were very small - moved into their own rooms before their first birthday. They only come in bed with us on special occasions, or if they really really need it. The only thing I've seen (positive or negative) about either argument that swayed me at all was the sad incidence of tiny babies being smothered by sleeping parents. I don't know if that's true or apocryphal - but it was enough to make me think twice about co-sleeping.
posted by kokogiak at 9:39 AM on January 13, 2005

Co-sleeping has let us sleep through the night with our newest since the day we brought him home, and was doubtless instrumental in getting our daughter to sleep through the night as early as she did. I will certainly testify to the inconvenience to which you allude (although I haven't slept worse since sharing the bed), but there is compensation in the fact that it's a great comfort to sleep beside your kids. When it's time for our daughter to move to her own bed, I don't think it will be a problem.
posted by blueshammer at 9:44 AM on January 13, 2005

It's too easy for other people to "helpfully" give you advice or criticize the choices you make when you parent. If it works for you, go with it. As soon as it stops working, don't do it anymore.

I'm tempted to put my own experiences in here, but I don't think that's what you are looking for, so I will resist the urge.

I do know this (from research, not 1st hand experience): smokers sleep heavier than non-smokers, so they're less likely to respond to the movements of the child in the bed. If either parent smokes, it's a reason to be cautious. Do not co-sleep if you have been drinking or taking other drugs that might cause you to sleep heavily. This could put your children at risk. (On preview: kokogiak's reference to sad stories of babies being smothered is very rare, but you are at substantially increased risk when using any drug that causes heavier sleep).

If everyone is sleeping well, it can be a wonderful bonding time, but it won't work for every family.

And finally - remember just like the breast-feeding/bottle-feeding debate: even though one might be more ideal, there are kids that grew-up in either situation and turned out just fine.
posted by raedyn at 9:45 AM on January 13, 2005

What led my family to decide *not* to cosleep was reading a book which talked about "weaning" the child off cosleeping by placing a mattress at the end of the bed. According to the book, by the age of 5 you could think about putting them in their own room! Yikes, not for me.

So, yes, do what is best for you. The child's personality makes a huge difference, our son for example, has always been a squirmer in bed, so we tried cosleeping but very quickly he was pushing my wife and I around, like pawns on a chessboard
posted by jeremias at 9:48 AM on January 13, 2005

My wife and I have only done cosleeping when it was necessary to help one of our kids fall asleep on an especially bad night. We have a four-month old and we just moved him from the bassinet in our bedroom to a crib in a room shared with his 2.5 year-old sister.

I will note that I am a big guy and I was a little bit worried about the smothering thing until our child actually slept with us the first time. I seemed to have a sixth sense and would always know where the baby was when I was rolling over, etc.

However, the reasons for not cosleeping were more for us than they were for our kids.
posted by bove at 10:09 AM on January 13, 2005

Do what works for you, but if you invite your child into your bed, make sure you have a snuggle box. It has plastic sides and keeps you from rolling over and crushing your child.

But I repeat, do what works for you.
posted by FunkyHelix at 10:17 AM on January 13, 2005

What works for you. Really. My own solution was to have all three kids (breastfed) in the bed with us when they were feeding at night--because I got more sleep that way. Once they were sleeping through they went into a crib. If they woke up and couldn't seem to settle down again we'd often bring them into bed... but we always started them off in the crib. Eventually all three of them slept right through and the transition to a real bed was fairly painless.
posted by idest at 10:18 AM on January 13, 2005

my aunt and uncle had a baby bed that somehow attached to the edge of their bed, at the same height, and had three sides so that they could reach the baby but it couldn't fall out. it was like co-sleeping except everyone had their own space. you might look into it.
posted by mai at 10:35 AM on January 13, 2005

I highly recommend A World of Babies. The issue here is western culture. Co-sleeping and swaddling encourage a child's growth; anthropological research has shown that non-Western children develop faster in terms of neuromotor development. Reasons for this are not entirely clear, but it is most likely related to the role human contact and stimulation play in Western vs. non-Western societies. In our highly individualistic society, children are supposed to "need" their own rooms because they are "owners" of themselves rather than a part of a social whole. Touch and other stimuli- smell, movement, warmth are not received as they are with co-sleeping.
posted by maya at 10:40 AM on January 13, 2005

What's interesting is that it switches as an adult - adults sleep better not sharing a bed with anyone.
posted by agregoli at 10:44 AM on January 13, 2005

I slept with my parents at least sometimes until age 6 or something and I had no problem developing a sense of independence or anything, and it wasn't a huge strain transitioning, though it probably wasn't too convenient for them.
posted by abcde at 11:04 AM on January 13, 2005

This is an interesting thread and something my wife and I are struggling with. Those of you who have done co-sleeping, (thanks abcde), have you had problems getting your child to sleep on their own ? What age did you start to try? What age did they finally go to their own bed?
posted by bkdelong at 11:25 AM on January 13, 2005

From a January 2003 press release from the US Consumer Product Safety Commission:

Study finds 64 deaths each year from suffocation and strangulation.
posted by mlis at 11:26 AM on January 13, 2005

link should have read:

CPSC Warns Against Placing Babies in Adult Beds; Study finds 64 deaths each year from suffocation and strangulation
posted by mlis at 11:29 AM on January 13, 2005

mai is talking about the Arm's Reach Co-Sleeper. We have one and love it. Our one-year-old still uses it most nights, though he's been moving into our bed a little more (he's getting his molars and seems to need a little extra security right now...). He will nap all by himself, and he is by all accounts, a happy-go-lucky baby.

There's an article here that cites some research on the topic, and a Google search will bring up some thesis research as well as AP arguments. Personally, one of the big influences in us deciding to co-sleep was something one of my anthropology professors once said. He did field research in Africa, and after he returned home one of his African friends came to visit. The prof and his wife had just had a baby, and upon observing the child in her crib in her own room his friend remarked that he couldn't understand why Westerners kept their babies alone in the dark in a cage. And I thought that sounded terrible! So now, we co-sleep.
posted by kittyloop at 11:32 AM on January 13, 2005

Response by poster: Thanks everyone for the good input. kittyloop: great link, thanks! raedyn: I really would like to hear your experience, if you'd be willing to share it.
posted by limitedpie at 11:43 AM on January 13, 2005

Response by poster: Oh, and xo-- great book rec. Thanks, I read this long ago and totally forgot it is a great source of research for this question!
posted by limitedpie at 11:46 AM on January 13, 2005

The best is to do what gets both parents and baby the most sleep - you don't have to define yourself as rigidly doing one or the other. Many babies don't sleep through the night very young, which cuts into *your* sleeptime, and it's frankly much easier sometimes to just bring them back to sleep in your bed. Co-sleeping is great when you're nursing - I could roll over and latch my son on without either of us waking up completely when he was tiny, and being able to get that extra rest was such a help. You do have an awareness of where the baby is and if s/he is okay (although, yeah, you'll sleep heavier if you smoke or drink, so co-sleeping is not advisable then).

The idea of SIDS freaked me out and I was honestly much more comfortable having the baby right there next to me rather than in his own bed, up until he was about five or six months old. I read that some studies show less incidence of SIDS when you co-sleep than when the baby is in its own bed, and the theories on why that might be include that parental awareness keeping you in touch with the baby if anything might be going wrong. Also some think the baby regulates its breathing with the parent sleeping next to them.

My son - 17 months now - has been a good sleeper from the start. He's always had his own bed and he will sleep in it, but we have to put him to sleep outside of it. We can either put him on our bed and he'll put himself to sleep, then we move him when we go to bed; or one of us cuddles him to sleep then lays him down on his mattress on the floor. He can't stand being confined to a crib - kittyloop's phrase "alone in the dark in a cage" is about what it feels like, although until he was walking, we did use it. He usually wakes up a bit before we do and climbs into bed with us to finish the night. I don't mind that since I don't like to sleep alone, myself. I prefer having him in our room for now too.
posted by Melinika at 11:49 AM on January 13, 2005

I can't resist.

I agree with the DWWFY crowd. What a pithy and effective comment. I never dissuade parents who are intent on cosleeping, as long as they acknowledge that there are stats out there that indicate a small but real risk. We weaned our first from the bed at a year. It was a bitch, but the necessity of cosleeping to soothe her was too necessary. The second one went in the crib from day one. Temperament of the child will determine a lot of your decision, I think. I also think that most parents cosleep, even if they say they aren't, due to sheer exhaustion.

The one case of infant death I know of in my practice came about because the mom fell asleep on the couch with the child, accidentally. If a parent was obese, or a known drinker, I would definitely discourage it.
posted by docpops at 1:00 PM on January 13, 2005

dwwfy, but we on the opposite spectrum to co-sleeping we've found Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child very helpful. get on the right schedule and it often all falls into place without co-sleeping
posted by elsar at 1:13 PM on January 13, 2005

ALL deaths associated with co-sleeping have happened because of problems with the parents. Prescription meds, alcohol (ESPECIALLY alcohol, most co-sleeping deaths are attributable to a parent who is intoxicated. even a small amount makes a difference), smoking, and being morbidly obese can make for baby-squishing. Otherwise, you're 100% safe.

Do not co-sleep if you have been drinking, even a little. Do not co-sleep if you smoke. Do not co-sleep if you take prescription meds that may cause drowsiness, EVEN IF you don't personally think you experience that. Or cough syrup (non-prescription), for that matter.
posted by u.n. owen at 2:21 PM on January 13, 2005

u.n. owen - where I come from we provide a source when we say "all" or "most".
posted by mlis at 3:30 PM on January 13, 2005

Do what works for you, but if you intend to co-sleep with your child, be aware that it is likely to be a tremendous pain in the ass if you change your mind and decide you want some bedtime for yourself. Most children have a very hard time adjusting to such a major change in sleep habit.

As such, you should very much make this decision -- and stick by it as best you can -- before Night Number One.
posted by majick at 3:34 PM on January 13, 2005

what funkyhelix and others said. if you're going to do it, get a co-sleeper thing that'll prevent either of you from rolling on the baby. Even 60something deaths is too many to take a chance.

Many parents find having the bassinet/crib right next to the bed is a good compromise.
posted by amberglow at 4:16 PM on January 13, 2005

Hi Limited Pie and others,

My experience only. You do what feels right for you and your spouse.

I currently have 3 boys, ages almost 5, almost 3 and 6 months. The first boy would not sleep for more that 1 hour in the crib. He would sleep for blocks of 3 or 4 if he slept with us. He went to his own room at around 20 months, into a queen sized bed where we would also sleep with him when he woke up in the night. He started sleeping through the night at about 26 months and now sleeps 12 or 13 hours straight without waking up! (really nice) And goes down without a fuss after 3 or 4 books.

Number 2 slept in the crib for 5 or 7 hours for his first 5 months (awesome). After that he would wake up regularly and we would bring him into bed with us. He went to his own bed at around 11 months where one of us (usually me) would sleep with him. He will be 3 in April now and sleeps 12 or 13 hours by himself without problem.

Number 3 is not much of a sleeper yet, he is up usually 4 times a night and we wonder how he functions on such little sleep. He is also sleeping with my wife, if he is placed in the crib he wakes up immediately. We hope that he will start sleeping more soon.

Personally I felt a lot closer to the boys waking up with them sleeping beside me, I would have been fine with them sleeping in a crib as well though. Also, my wife has breastfed them exclusively for the first 11 or 12 months which makes co-sleeping easier b/c both mother and child do not have to completely wake up. At first I was worried a bit about rolling on them (I sleep like a rock) but we never had a problem. We were sure to follow the rules listed above though.
posted by vidarling at 5:25 PM on January 13, 2005

Another vote for do what works for you ...

From the pro co-sleep side ...

My wife co-slept until she was about 8.
Both our kids co-slept, our oldest we moved to a crib at about 6 months, but then about 3 months later he was co-sleeping again, it was just easier for us (*ahem* ... her). We haven't had any problems moving them to their own beds. Our youngest puts up a half-hearted whine sometimes, but its easily put aside. They co-sleep now only about 10-20% of the time. They are 6 and 8. The oldest doesn't really mind one way or the other, and both are well adjusted, normal kids.

I've seen the studies on cosleeping and smothering. But our daughter had some sleep apnea (she's grown out of it since), and for us, the peace of mind of being able to monitor her breathing and change her position if she was having problems was a higher priority.
posted by forforf at 7:28 PM on January 13, 2005

I don't think that it's what you are suggesting, but the extremes of "lock the baby in its own room and just let it cry it out" and "the kid sleeps with you till it goes to college" are both a little weird to me -- most of us manage to find something in between that works for us. And don't fall for the line about "if the baby doesn't learn to put himself to sleep alone by Xmo. he will be screwed for ever putting himself to sleep;" it's not how they learn anything else, so why should it be true of sleep? Their sleep patterns change a lot over the first few years, so nothing is written in stone anyway.

We started out with the cot in the bedroom, and the baby usually ending up in our bed -- that was the easiest place to breast feed him and my wife wasn't daft enough to wake both him and herself back up by putting him back in the cot. Once past the feeding in the middle of the night, I would usually try to settle him down in the cot first, but it was easier for everyone not to make a big deal of it. In fact if he woke I could often get him back to sleep just by speaking soothingly to him without anybody getting out of bed -- all he seemed to want to know was that he wasn't alone. Our rule was "everyone starts out in their own bed," which solved the never leaving our bed problem, but equally the kid never needed to feel insecure about being comforted during the night when he felt he needed it. The cot was moved to the other room at some point during this, and when we reached the toddler bed stage we didn't have to get up any more, but we would quite often have a visitor. The visits were seldom a problem for us and they tapered off quite quickly (the tapering was helped because I would often take the kid back to his own bed after a while in ours).

In general few sleep problems, minimal night time crying, not many bad dreams, and fairly well rested parents from birth onwards (I quite quickly learned to go back to sleep easily -- sadly it has worn off since). The pattern repeated itself twice for our other two sons, though there were minor variations for each child, and the younger ones moved to the other room sooner and were happier about it because they weren't alone in the room.

Hearing what other people have done is often useful, but as just about everybody above has said, do what seems right and works well for you.
posted by Quinbus Flestrin at 10:37 PM on January 13, 2005

DWWFY, and don't let the extremists characterize the argument. Cosleeping when it is best for child, mother, or family in general makes perfectly good sense, and being in favor of it does not mean you're in favor of doing it through prom night.

My wife and I started our son in a bassinet next to our bed. When he started getting a bit big for the bassinet we moved him into a crib in his own room. He always starts out sleeping in his own place but when he wakes up in the middle of the night he moves to our bed, which allows my wife, in particular, to get more sleep than she otherwise would.

I sleep quite heavily without any chemical influences. If it were just me I would not have been comfortable cosleeping with a small baby, but my wife remains much more sensitive and alert in sleep and we feel that is sufficient protection. I do think the cosleeping devices which mount to the side of your bed and those which surround the baby when placed within your bed are both good ideas.

One very important reminder is that you have to keep loose bedding including your own blankets well clear of your baby's face. If this isn't possible then in my opinion you probably shouldn't plan on cosleeping.
posted by Songdog at 7:45 AM on January 14, 2005