How do I maintain healthy boundaries? (grad school + work edition)
January 20, 2016 6:57 AM Subscribe
I told my boss I wanted to start a Master's program. She decided it would be a great idea if we did it together. I'm worried she might expect me to be their tutor/cheerleader for the next couple of years. What to do?
My boss is nice but very needy and a little spoilt. I get the sense that she has been dreaming about going to grad school, and this was the chance for her to finally do it since she assumed she would have my support. The weird part is she wants my help but she also wants to do better than me.
I was not happy about her idea to take classes with me, but I figured she would come to understand my boundaries. My plan was to never compete with her, not become too involved in her academic life, and maybe once in a while meet to study. Her expectations were that I would be a lot more involved, it seems.
For example, I was asked to review their personal statement and to show my own (which is okay, but then she went on to complain about how mine is much better, and then she justified it by saying she didn't really try that hard - this was a sign to me that things were off to a bad start).
Initially we were going to take the same class, but then we were told we must start with electives because that is what is available right now. She wanted us to take the same elective, but I wanted to take something a little more challenging. When I told her, she cried and told me she was disappointed and a little mad at me, and then told me that I had pushed her to take the class and now I was backing out (not true), and that maybe I should choose another program if this one is too easy. She is still very defensive about the fact that I am choosing more Mathy electives than her, and several times has justified her choosing a different class (which really, I don't care - she can choose whatever) to the point where she gets kind of mean and is holding back tears.
I am very worried that her behavior up to now is representative of what she will be like when the time comes for us to take ALL OF OUR CORE SUBJECTS together. I don't want to be her tutor, proofread her papers, show her my work, or even study with her. I am an overachiever and I like to do my own work alone, but she is my boss and I feel like she will not be able to separate work and school.
Should I speak to her? Should I just relent and do what she expects me to do? How could I make it clear that I want to experience grad school independently and not as her employee?
My boss is nice but very needy and a little spoilt. I get the sense that she has been dreaming about going to grad school, and this was the chance for her to finally do it since she assumed she would have my support. The weird part is she wants my help but she also wants to do better than me.
I was not happy about her idea to take classes with me, but I figured she would come to understand my boundaries. My plan was to never compete with her, not become too involved in her academic life, and maybe once in a while meet to study. Her expectations were that I would be a lot more involved, it seems.
For example, I was asked to review their personal statement and to show my own (which is okay, but then she went on to complain about how mine is much better, and then she justified it by saying she didn't really try that hard - this was a sign to me that things were off to a bad start).
Initially we were going to take the same class, but then we were told we must start with electives because that is what is available right now. She wanted us to take the same elective, but I wanted to take something a little more challenging. When I told her, she cried and told me she was disappointed and a little mad at me, and then told me that I had pushed her to take the class and now I was backing out (not true), and that maybe I should choose another program if this one is too easy. She is still very defensive about the fact that I am choosing more Mathy electives than her, and several times has justified her choosing a different class (which really, I don't care - she can choose whatever) to the point where she gets kind of mean and is holding back tears.
I am very worried that her behavior up to now is representative of what she will be like when the time comes for us to take ALL OF OUR CORE SUBJECTS together. I don't want to be her tutor, proofread her papers, show her my work, or even study with her. I am an overachiever and I like to do my own work alone, but she is my boss and I feel like she will not be able to separate work and school.
Should I speak to her? Should I just relent and do what she expects me to do? How could I make it clear that I want to experience grad school independently and not as her employee?
she is my boss and I feel like she will not be able to separate work and school.
It sounds like even if you do talk to her about your preferences, she will not honor them. Do you have to work there?
posted by headnsouth at 7:13 AM on January 20, 2016 [6 favorites]
It sounds like even if you do talk to her about your preferences, she will not honor them. Do you have to work there?
posted by headnsouth at 7:13 AM on January 20, 2016 [6 favorites]
I wonder if someone who coordinates the grad program would run interference for you, to make sure you're not taking the same classes at the same time?
posted by Blue Jello Elf at 7:23 AM on January 20, 2016
posted by Blue Jello Elf at 7:23 AM on January 20, 2016
She is out of line. I think speaking to her will not benefit you. I think you should find a new grad program or a new job.
posted by OrangeDisk at 7:40 AM on January 20, 2016 [13 favorites]
posted by OrangeDisk at 7:40 AM on January 20, 2016 [13 favorites]
Hmm, that sounds tough. She's definitely out of line and using her position inappropriately. (Is she going to write you up for not helping her with her homework?) Have you guys discussed your personal/professional goals and how they relate to getting this degree? It may be a way for you to force a bit of a false separation: "see, you are interested in moving up the management ladder and taking management classes as part of the MBA program, I'm really interested in getting deep into the analytics and will be taking as many accounting classes as I can get into and will be doing the bare minimum of writing. Isn't it interesting that the same degree can mean different things to different people?"
If she asks for help, it's okay to tell the white lie of "Gosh, it's all I can do to figure things out on my own, if I were to try to explain it I think I'd confuse us both more!" You can also get out of study buddies that way; it's super hard for you to focus unless you're by yourself, I bet.
posted by tchemgrrl at 7:48 AM on January 20, 2016 [3 favorites]
If she asks for help, it's okay to tell the white lie of "Gosh, it's all I can do to figure things out on my own, if I were to try to explain it I think I'd confuse us both more!" You can also get out of study buddies that way; it's super hard for you to focus unless you're by yourself, I bet.
posted by tchemgrrl at 7:48 AM on January 20, 2016 [3 favorites]
Don't speak with her; she's obviously lost all perspective if she's forced you to show her your personal statement! If you can't choose a different job or program, then tell her the next time she asks to see your work or for you to help her with hers that the code of conduct prohibits it, and that you sure do wish you guys could collaborate more but you can't break the rules and you don't want her to get in trouble either.
Also, you can't study with her because you don't study well in groups, only alone.
posted by fingersandtoes at 7:54 AM on January 20, 2016
Also, you can't study with her because you don't study well in groups, only alone.
posted by fingersandtoes at 7:54 AM on January 20, 2016
Yes, this is BEYOND unprofessional. Can you go to her supervisor and ask for advice? Or perhaps your HR department?
posted by Young Kullervo at 8:08 AM on January 20, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by Young Kullervo at 8:08 AM on January 20, 2016 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: Thank you for the replies.
Other than my boss being excessively needy, I am really happy at work. The salary is great, the work itself is really interesting, and I have great benefits and the life/work balance is the best I have ever had. My boss herself is overall easygoing and doesn't micromanage. She is just pathologically needy to the point where I know everything about her personal life and my team-mate and I have to give her pep talks on a weekly basis and sometimes we have to act as her counselors. I know this sounds really weird and inappropriate but the truth is that the chaos kind of gives me a lot of freedom, so overall it isn't nearly as toxic as you would think.
I have looked into other options for grad school, but the program that accepted me is pretty solid and it would be a shame to give that up just because of drama.
I would like to hear more of your input on managing the situation rather than ending it. For example, I feel like I can realistically apply tchemgrrl's or fingersandtoes's advice and work on scripts and develop an approach that doesn't get me in trouble or changes my life drastically.
Thank you all!
posted by ADent at 8:20 AM on January 20, 2016
Other than my boss being excessively needy, I am really happy at work. The salary is great, the work itself is really interesting, and I have great benefits and the life/work balance is the best I have ever had. My boss herself is overall easygoing and doesn't micromanage. She is just pathologically needy to the point where I know everything about her personal life and my team-mate and I have to give her pep talks on a weekly basis and sometimes we have to act as her counselors. I know this sounds really weird and inappropriate but the truth is that the chaos kind of gives me a lot of freedom, so overall it isn't nearly as toxic as you would think.
I have looked into other options for grad school, but the program that accepted me is pretty solid and it would be a shame to give that up just because of drama.
I would like to hear more of your input on managing the situation rather than ending it. For example, I feel like I can realistically apply tchemgrrl's or fingersandtoes's advice and work on scripts and develop an approach that doesn't get me in trouble or changes my life drastically.
Thank you all!
posted by ADent at 8:20 AM on January 20, 2016
Best answer: With electives, you aren't taking something "more challenging" (as if there is a perfect 100% ranking of difficulty in courses), you want to take something [insert business reasons here] and "isn't it great that we're going to take different courses so we can both be bringing different, great stuff to the office". This is the stance I would keep using. If there are group projects, you want to work with other people to bring in a fresh viewpoint/ideas/whatever, which will be so great at work. Use this as much as possible to take separate courses/sections/etc.
posted by jeather at 8:27 AM on January 20, 2016 [9 favorites]
posted by jeather at 8:27 AM on January 20, 2016 [9 favorites]
Best answer: You're going to need to stick to your guns about class selection. Don't cave to her wishes.
Here are some things to say:
"I'm sorry if you're disappointed, this is really what I want to take, if your interests are on X, then you should pursue them, after all, it's YOUR education."
"I'm so wrapped up in my paper/studying/project that I don't have the bandwidth to tutor right now. I think I heard Joe and Lisa talking about starting up a study group, why don't you go ask them about it?"
"I have a really specific study methodology that requires a lot of alone time. Talk to Kendra, I think she was looking for a study partner."
"I'd rather not share my work with you right now, I'm still working on it. I'll be happy to forward you a copy once I've turned it in."
"I don't have time to review your paper, I'm so bogged down. I saw a sign on the bulletin board of someone who does editing, perhaps you should look into that. That way, you'll know you're getting a really good opinion."
Good luck, this sounds like a very odd situation. Your boss is kind of a loon.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 8:51 AM on January 20, 2016 [18 favorites]
Here are some things to say:
"I'm sorry if you're disappointed, this is really what I want to take, if your interests are on X, then you should pursue them, after all, it's YOUR education."
"I'm so wrapped up in my paper/studying/project that I don't have the bandwidth to tutor right now. I think I heard Joe and Lisa talking about starting up a study group, why don't you go ask them about it?"
"I have a really specific study methodology that requires a lot of alone time. Talk to Kendra, I think she was looking for a study partner."
"I'd rather not share my work with you right now, I'm still working on it. I'll be happy to forward you a copy once I've turned it in."
"I don't have time to review your paper, I'm so bogged down. I saw a sign on the bulletin board of someone who does editing, perhaps you should look into that. That way, you'll know you're getting a really good opinion."
Good luck, this sounds like a very odd situation. Your boss is kind of a loon.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 8:51 AM on January 20, 2016 [18 favorites]
Develop a very strong fear of plagiarism. Tell your boss that taking classes separately allows you to support each other generally as students in the same program, but makes it much easier to turn in work that isn't even accidentally identical.
posted by gnomeloaf at 9:30 AM on January 20, 2016 [9 favorites]
posted by gnomeloaf at 9:30 AM on January 20, 2016 [9 favorites]
Hoo boy. This is a disaster in the making. If she's this invested in your class choices, etc. at the start of the program this is only going to get worse. I think the advice to come up with reasons you need to keep your class work and hers entirely separate is the best idea. If she wants to study with you say that you can't make that particular time (and/or that you do better studying on your own) and suggest another classmate she might be able to study with. The idea mentioned above about a greater variety of classes allowing you to bring a greater variety of perspectives to work is a good idea too. Basically turn down every opportunity to make this a Thing You Are Doing Together. Hopefully if she was only interested in the program because of some idea she had about you two being study buddies she'll drop out sooner rather than later. And definitely NEVER get into a situation where you have to work on a group project with her. She seems like exactly the type to punish you at work for things that happen in the context of the classroom.
posted by MsMolly at 10:34 AM on January 20, 2016 [2 favorites]
posted by MsMolly at 10:34 AM on January 20, 2016 [2 favorites]
Best answer: Oh lord, I know the type. I would avoid her, to the point that I'd start core classes a semester later than she just to get out of this. She is always going to be peeking at your test. She is going to get a C on a paper where you get an A and resent you for it. She is going to want to complain about instructors that you respect. She is going to expect you to teach her what professional teachers couldn't.
I sort of suspect her behavior now might indicate she won't hack the program for the long haul, and this problem might resolve itself if she drops out. She doesn't seem as serious about it/ready for it as you are, and on some level she must know this, because she sounds very defensive. Which is not your problem or your fault.
I think there is a way to be really strong about what you need to succeed without making it personal. She sounds like she's going to take it personally no matter what, so that is almost freeing in a way. You can really hammer it home about your learning style: you need to work independently. You cannot focus if you are with such a great pal as she. Seeing other people's work stresses you out and renders you unable to come up with your own ideas. You are too shy to show anyone but the instructor your work. Your adviser told you it's a conflict of interest to be on the same group project as your boss. If she likes to study in the morning, you can only study in the evening. Etc. And then, the hard part: you can't care if/when she gets upset.
This sounds like a lot of emotional work when you need to focus on your studies. Is there any way you can get out of it?
posted by kapers at 10:38 AM on January 20, 2016 [13 favorites]
I sort of suspect her behavior now might indicate she won't hack the program for the long haul, and this problem might resolve itself if she drops out. She doesn't seem as serious about it/ready for it as you are, and on some level she must know this, because she sounds very defensive. Which is not your problem or your fault.
I think there is a way to be really strong about what you need to succeed without making it personal. She sounds like she's going to take it personally no matter what, so that is almost freeing in a way. You can really hammer it home about your learning style: you need to work independently. You cannot focus if you are with such a great pal as she. Seeing other people's work stresses you out and renders you unable to come up with your own ideas. You are too shy to show anyone but the instructor your work. Your adviser told you it's a conflict of interest to be on the same group project as your boss. If she likes to study in the morning, you can only study in the evening. Etc. And then, the hard part: you can't care if/when she gets upset.
This sounds like a lot of emotional work when you need to focus on your studies. Is there any way you can get out of it?
posted by kapers at 10:38 AM on January 20, 2016 [13 favorites]
to manage the situation i think it would help you to learn more about assertiveness (and it would also have helped you avoid getting into such a mess in the first place, i hope). this is a very direct, no-nonsense book; this one is a bit more gentle / longer. i'd suggest reading one of those (probably the latter). the aim would be for you to understand more clearly what you can reasonably do (including saying "no") and how to do that in practice.
posted by andrewcooke at 11:02 AM on January 20, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by andrewcooke at 11:02 AM on January 20, 2016 [1 favorite]
Also, there's probably some plagiarism-awareness training given by the school, and you can refer to that to get out of sharing your work with her (even after you turn it in) and even studying together. "I took that online seminar on plagiarism, and I'm really paranoid. They said we could get expelled if they decide we plagiarized something! I'm really going to be cautious to make sure I don't do anything wrong by accident. So we better not even look at each other's work, because you know they're already going to be suspicious because we work at the same place."
I agree about taking some of the core classes after she does if you can. Of course, you don't have complete control, but often core courses have different sections, so at the least you can try to get into another section. Talk to your academic advisor about what you absolutely have to take now, of course.
I can't believe she cried about this. I have had a boss like that, however, so I know what it's like. Strange that she ended up a boss.
posted by Pippip at 11:07 AM on January 20, 2016 [1 favorite]
I agree about taking some of the core classes after she does if you can. Of course, you don't have complete control, but often core courses have different sections, so at the least you can try to get into another section. Talk to your academic advisor about what you absolutely have to take now, of course.
I can't believe she cried about this. I have had a boss like that, however, so I know what it's like. Strange that she ended up a boss.
posted by Pippip at 11:07 AM on January 20, 2016 [1 favorite]
I realize you really like your job, but one of the reasons people are suggesting you might want a different job is because it sounds really hard for your boss to separate out work and nonwork stuff.
This can potentially cause you a lot of trouble down the road.
You like your job and want to stay, but in general for jobs people's bosses have a lot of power to decide if they stay in their jobs or not. That your boss does not have good boundaries for keeping work and not-work separate does not bode well for your future prospects in this job.
posted by yohko at 11:26 AM on January 20, 2016
This can potentially cause you a lot of trouble down the road.
You like your job and want to stay, but in general for jobs people's bosses have a lot of power to decide if they stay in their jobs or not. That your boss does not have good boundaries for keeping work and not-work separate does not bode well for your future prospects in this job.
posted by yohko at 11:26 AM on January 20, 2016
After gently declining to help (using whatever polite excuse works for the moment), suggest that she ask the professor instead. Be positive and encouraging about her reaching out to the prof for help. Make it your main advice to her.
In my experience, many profs are happy to provide extra help, yet most students don't ask for it.
posted by lizbunny at 11:34 AM on January 20, 2016 [2 favorites]
In my experience, many profs are happy to provide extra help, yet most students don't ask for it.
posted by lizbunny at 11:34 AM on January 20, 2016 [2 favorites]
Another thought: if your direct nos for why you won't show her your work or study together aren't going over well, add the white lie that you just don't want to have to worry if her work is better than yours. (It almost certainly won't be, but this will maybe diffuse some of her worry that your work is better than hers, if you can really sell it sincerely.)
posted by MsMolly at 2:01 PM on January 20, 2016
posted by MsMolly at 2:01 PM on January 20, 2016
Just ask her dumb questions until it makes you seem stupid. Then she won't ask you for help.
posted by discopolo at 3:09 PM on January 20, 2016 [3 favorites]
posted by discopolo at 3:09 PM on January 20, 2016 [3 favorites]
Best answer: For example, I was asked to review their personal statement and to show my own (which is okay,
I would not do anything other school related activity with her. She sounds like a "give her an inch and she takes a mile" kind of person. I would not go any further with working or even talking with her on anything involving school.
She wanted us to take the same elective, but I wanted to take something a little more challenging. When I told her, she cried and told me she was disappointed and a little mad at me,
Did you tell her the "more challenging" part? I would be completely vague about my choices, or better yet, avoid talking with her about it at all.
I am very worried that her behavior up to now is representative of what she will be like when the time comes for us to take ALL OF OUR CORE SUBJECTS together.
Of course this is how she is going to be. You cannot give her any openings. She's a grown woman. Treat her accordingly. IME, manipulative people will look for soft targets. Eventually she will learn that trying to cry at you will not get her what she wants and she will move on. (I agree with the above poster who speculated that she will wash out in pretty short order on her own.) Don't feel bad for her. She is a grown woman. Don't feel like you are being mean or a bad person for expecting her to act like she is a grown woman. Don't let her manipulate you. Do. Not. Relent. If you feel like you are being a bad person, really, by helping her the way she wants, you are actually hurting her. Think of it in terms of enabling. If you refuse to be her crutch and she actually does get through this program on her own, think about how much better off she'll be than if you carried her. So by forcing her to do her own work, you are actually doing her a favor.
I don't want to be her tutor, proofread her papers, show her my work, or even study with her.
So don't. She can't actually force you study with her, can she? Of course not. Don't study at work or in sight of her on your breaks. Don't bring any school materials in to work (which would just be conversation starters for her). When she tries to talk to you about school stuff, redirect the conversation to work stuff. "ADent, what about X topic in class today?" "Yes, that was interesting. Listen Marge, I'm glad you are here, I wanted to ask you about Y work topic."
Sit down and figure out exactly how she could potentially retaliate. Plan accordingly. Make sure all your work product/activities are 100% beyond reproach. Make sure you are tracking your work product so you can show proof that your work isn't suffering because of your time spent on/at school. If she gets agitated at you or starts to punish you in some way, document that then talk to her directly and keep bringing it back to work-related stuff. "Marge, you seem upset with me. What are your concerns about my work product? I think I've kept up with X deadlines. In fact, I got Y product on your desk a day early. If you have work-related concerns, I'm happy to talk with you about that."
Should I just relent and do what she expects me to do?
Of course not. That is a lose-lose situation. You will be blamed for her washing out of the program and there goes your great workplace.
How could I make it clear that I want to experience grad school independently and not as her employee?
Next time she wants to work together say more or less what you just wrote. "I'm sorry Marge. It's important to me that we maintain our great professional relationship so I'm not comfortable mixing work and school. I've wanted to go to grad school for a long time. I'm so excited about finally being accepted. It's very important to me that I accomplish this completely on my own." Emphasize that it is about your goals and nothing to do with her. If she pushes back, I like the above remarks about strict plagiarism rules. If she still pushes, go with Miss Manners' tried and true "I'm sorry, Marge. It's just not possible." Then rinse and repeat.
If things get really out of hand, then I'd escalate to HR or her manager. "Higher Up Manager/HR, can you help me navigate this situation? It's important to me to accomplish this goal on my own and I'm concerned that Marge is feeling like I'm against her and it's affecting our work relationship. It's not about her at all. It's about reaching this major life goal of mine. It's important that we maintain our great professional relationship. And I want to make sure my work duties come first. What do you suggest?"
Very best of luck to you in your schooling and workplace!
posted by Beti at 5:03 PM on January 20, 2016 [2 favorites]
I would not do anything other school related activity with her. She sounds like a "give her an inch and she takes a mile" kind of person. I would not go any further with working or even talking with her on anything involving school.
She wanted us to take the same elective, but I wanted to take something a little more challenging. When I told her, she cried and told me she was disappointed and a little mad at me,
Did you tell her the "more challenging" part? I would be completely vague about my choices, or better yet, avoid talking with her about it at all.
I am very worried that her behavior up to now is representative of what she will be like when the time comes for us to take ALL OF OUR CORE SUBJECTS together.
Of course this is how she is going to be. You cannot give her any openings. She's a grown woman. Treat her accordingly. IME, manipulative people will look for soft targets. Eventually she will learn that trying to cry at you will not get her what she wants and she will move on. (I agree with the above poster who speculated that she will wash out in pretty short order on her own.) Don't feel bad for her. She is a grown woman. Don't feel like you are being mean or a bad person for expecting her to act like she is a grown woman. Don't let her manipulate you. Do. Not. Relent. If you feel like you are being a bad person, really, by helping her the way she wants, you are actually hurting her. Think of it in terms of enabling. If you refuse to be her crutch and she actually does get through this program on her own, think about how much better off she'll be than if you carried her. So by forcing her to do her own work, you are actually doing her a favor.
I don't want to be her tutor, proofread her papers, show her my work, or even study with her.
So don't. She can't actually force you study with her, can she? Of course not. Don't study at work or in sight of her on your breaks. Don't bring any school materials in to work (which would just be conversation starters for her). When she tries to talk to you about school stuff, redirect the conversation to work stuff. "ADent, what about X topic in class today?" "Yes, that was interesting. Listen Marge, I'm glad you are here, I wanted to ask you about Y work topic."
Sit down and figure out exactly how she could potentially retaliate. Plan accordingly. Make sure all your work product/activities are 100% beyond reproach. Make sure you are tracking your work product so you can show proof that your work isn't suffering because of your time spent on/at school. If she gets agitated at you or starts to punish you in some way, document that then talk to her directly and keep bringing it back to work-related stuff. "Marge, you seem upset with me. What are your concerns about my work product? I think I've kept up with X deadlines. In fact, I got Y product on your desk a day early. If you have work-related concerns, I'm happy to talk with you about that."
Should I just relent and do what she expects me to do?
Of course not. That is a lose-lose situation. You will be blamed for her washing out of the program and there goes your great workplace.
How could I make it clear that I want to experience grad school independently and not as her employee?
Next time she wants to work together say more or less what you just wrote. "I'm sorry Marge. It's important to me that we maintain our great professional relationship so I'm not comfortable mixing work and school. I've wanted to go to grad school for a long time. I'm so excited about finally being accepted. It's very important to me that I accomplish this completely on my own." Emphasize that it is about your goals and nothing to do with her. If she pushes back, I like the above remarks about strict plagiarism rules. If she still pushes, go with Miss Manners' tried and true "I'm sorry, Marge. It's just not possible." Then rinse and repeat.
If things get really out of hand, then I'd escalate to HR or her manager. "Higher Up Manager/HR, can you help me navigate this situation? It's important to me to accomplish this goal on my own and I'm concerned that Marge is feeling like I'm against her and it's affecting our work relationship. It's not about her at all. It's about reaching this major life goal of mine. It's important that we maintain our great professional relationship. And I want to make sure my work duties come first. What do you suggest?"
Very best of luck to you in your schooling and workplace!
posted by Beti at 5:03 PM on January 20, 2016 [2 favorites]
Best answer: As an addendum, this sounds like the kind of situation where you will be asked constantly how you're doing. How did you do on that test? What grade was your essay? What was your score for the final project? She sounds like someone with a competetive nature but without the skills to back it up, such that she'll constantly ask how you're doing, with the apparent hope that she'll find out she's doing better than you, but without using that as an inspiration that she could do better next time, just to blame you for outshining her and spoiling the curve, and not helping her enough, and anything else she can think to blame you for. Or if she does better than you on something, she'll remember it forever. I highly recommend refusing to tell her any of your scores. My college had a strict "don't talk about your grades" policy in place that I thought was kind of dumb at the time, but now I really value; it reduced the sense of that number being a valuable personal achievement that affects social hierarchies. So tell her "No, I'm not comfortable talking about grades, that's between me and the professor." and stick to it!
posted by aimedwander at 11:47 AM on January 21, 2016 [2 favorites]
posted by aimedwander at 11:47 AM on January 21, 2016 [2 favorites]
When it comes to class selection time, it might be worthwhile to give non-answers to her questions. "So, what elective are you going to take?" "There are so many options, I'm really not sure. So, How About That Subject Change?"
posted by RogueTech at 10:57 PM on January 22, 2016
posted by RogueTech at 10:57 PM on January 22, 2016
This thread is closed to new comments.
She sounds like someone who might respond badly to "having a chat", but also someone who will refuse to pick up on hints, so you have to find the middle ground, and be clear (no joking, no waffling, no defusing the situation) but not too much "Listen, Sarah, there's something you've been doing that really bothers me and we need to talk," or she'll crumple into a ball of drama.
posted by aimedwander at 7:11 AM on January 20, 2016 [15 favorites]