Feel unhappy...what do I do next?

January 15, 2016 7:11 AM

I’m in a low point because I know I am unhappy, but I feel paralyzed with indecision about what to do with my life.

There are many contributing factors:

- I moved abroad from the U.S. to Sydney about 4 months ago and I find I am having a harder time adjusting that I anticipated. I find it hard to meet people and I feel lonely. I’m usually pretty social and I’ve never had a hard time making friends, so I don’t know what I am doing wrong. I also find it really emotionally difficult to be away from my best friends and family — and I can’t really call them easily because they are so many time zones away. How do I feel better? Should I just try harder and go to more meetups and invite people to things? When do you realize you simply just don’t like a place and move back?
- Related to the above, I am having a challenging time with my gay identity. I lost my network of friends, many whom are gay, and I feel a sense of being an outsider for the first time in a long time. Because I don’t want to go through the work of coming out all over again, I’ve been selective about who I come out to, but the downside is that I feel like I am not being authentic with the people around me. This contributes to my feelings of loneliness.
- I am unhappy at work (which is driven by my manager) and I don’t know what career direction to take. I am paid very well, have a great job at a great company, but I am not happy with my manager who is a micromanager (and so is my manager’s manager) so I have two micromanagers. But I am at a loss about what to do next. I could either stay in Sydney and move to a different team and manager (my inclination right now). How do you know which team to move to? I also wonder if I should have a serious career reevaluation and try my hand at creative writing (which I have received awards and positive feedback on from editors). But I don’t think that is a possibility given it’s very challenging to get published, and not a steady source of income. But it’s one of the few things that I truly feel I am naturally good at — and which gives me joy.
- I’m dating this girl for a few weeks but because of the above, I’ve been distracted. She is lovely and sweet and kind, but I am not sure if I am attracted. So I am considering just cutting it off and letting it go, but then I feel scared to do that as I feel lonely a lot, and love her companionship. I worry that I am making a mistake and letting go of someone who has been supportive and nice, and kicking myself with regret later on. But I’m leaning towards ending it, as I need the time to myself.

A lot going on….and I am 27 and feel lost and lame for not being partnered yet. With all of these, I just don’t see any easy solutions and I have no idea what to do. I just don’t want to make a wrong decision.

posted by anonymous to Grab Bag (10 answers total)

about 4 months ago

OK, so: You're going to have to believe me when I say this, because I have the original materials in a file but haven't put them anywhere internet-facing yet.

The RCMP - the Royal Canadian Mounted Police - for a long time had and may still have a policy of stationing people in their rookie year in a province that wasn't their home province, where the language spoken was not their first language.

While they did this, they would gather information about people's mood, productivity, general good function, psychology and so forth. And what they found was that in the first three to four months, the same pattern occurs: Early on, everyone is excited, full of energy, fully engaged with whatever they're working on. After a few weeks of that, everyone - everyone - has a month or two of feeling low, lonely, isolated and unproductive. It's shitty, but at least the RCMP people know enough to know it's coming now.

After that, there are three ways people can go - Most people return to what's graphed as a "typical" level of mood and function. A smaller slice of people become super-productive, engaged and happier. An even smaller slice stay down, stay depressed and eventually have to be restationed. This happens over the course of four to six months.

The key here is to understand what you're doing to _get yourself out of that funk_. People who are proactive about forcing themselves to stay engaged, to keep going out and talking to _locals_ - specifically not expats - and keep exercising, those people are (generally) more successful at getting themselves out of that rut and back to happy.

You are here.

This same information is leveraged by volunteer organizations that station people overseas, to good effect. I'll put the information up on the Web as soon as I can, but this is where you are right now. This is - from all the information we have - part of a natural readjustment cycle that has a good outcome if you can force yourself to to get through it, mostly through purposeful social engagement and regular exercise.

Good luck.
posted by mhoye at 8:51 AM on January 15, 2016

I can tell you one thing that might help you put all of this into perspective a bit. You are at the point of Maximum homesickness. My own experiences, and those of people I've talked with online the point of maximum OMG what am I doing here comes at the 3-4 month range. You have lost the excitement of being in a new place, but haven't been there long enough for things to feel familiar so you just feel .. well much like you appear to sad & a little lost & second guessing all the decisions you made to move in the first place.

I have moved internationally 3 times. Every single damn time I've gone through this stage. It sucks. The first time it happened I packed up and went home. There is nothing wrong with that option, going home is a perfectly fine option, but, and trust me on this, I'd really suggest staying at least 6 months, 8 if you can stick it out. Because many times this feeling passes.

Start trying to become a local or a regular somewhere, find a coffee shop or something & start making some acquaintances. That can really help buffer the loneliness while you make some new friends and feeling familiar in places can really help sooth the homesickness. Good news is as a former Aussie, I can reassure you most Aussies love to chat & make small talk (thus all our pubs & coffee shops).

As a straight women my advice on being gay in Sydney is irrelevant but from the prospective of the people you might be working with I'd tell you just this, I've found straight Aussies seem to care if you are gay or straight a lot less than people I've met here in the US. In offices in a major US city I have often heard speculation about who is & isn't gay, I can't remember ever hearing such speculation when working in Australia and I worked in a tiny ass country towns & major cities there. Make of that what you will.
posted by wwax at 8:56 AM on January 15, 2016

I'm only going to take a stab at one part of your question because there are 10 different questions on here (that's okay, we've all been in that place).

If I were in your shoes, miserable with the 2 micromanagers, and it sounds like you can easily move teams, I would start there bc if your work life is normal, other things fall into place.

I've moved myself off teams and onto other teams (and into other jobs), so I'd suggest this approach:

-Look at what other teams are doing. Is there anything new (skill, something you can learn about) that excites you? That way, when you approach moving to team X, it isn't "I want to apply so I can RUN away from this other team" but "I'm excited to work on projects A,B,C,D." Also look and see if there are projects that you can bring experience to and therefore, also a good fit in someone's mind.

-Again, what are your work goals/things that are interesting to you? I've had success telling people "I am fascinated by A and B" (not complaining about the job, but sharing excitement and enthusiasm and ask a lot of questions about those things). This has *sometimes* worked out because a person on team B realizes the interest and possibilities and approaches me and/or the team leader and asks to move me. Don't know if your workplace is or is not like this, some places this is easy, others it is not, but suggesting it if it can be done. Usually the rapport with the new time is better from the get go since someone picked you and they already like and respect you.

-For me, the best thing that has worked out for moving away from bosses that I don't like and micromanagers, specifically ask questions of people who are on the same level on those other teams (and don't move teams until you have the conversations). ASk about things that make a job a good fit for you, as well as what things give them reservation/they don't like - and see how they stack up to your list of pros/deal breakers (ask them what they like/don't like about their jobs). The other question I ask people is about is: What is the turnover of the team members? Because usually if you see high turnover, there is a problem underneath.

I do think changing careers can be done (and I've done it many times), but I think that process is much slower. For the moment, just changing teams might solve your underlying feelings.

Also, the writing. Why not give it a go and write 500 words a day or 500 words a week? Just take back part of your life, that time is for you. IT is easy to say the probability is low, but if you produce and make something, it goes up, right? Peck away. Take back that time for your life and sometimes you can even write stories to help you deal with whatever is in front of you.
posted by Wolfster at 9:04 AM on January 15, 2016

If you're this unhappy both in your job and socially, is there any reason not to say "fuck it" and look for a new job back in the U.S.? I feel like people always worry about leaving a job too soon because it's "rude" or because it "looks bad" but I promise you that if it's the right thing for your happiness, you can quit whenever you want. Sometimes things just aren't a right fit and I don't think any employer would hold it against you if you said you tried something new in moving to Australia, but ultimately it was difficult adjusting and you missed home too much. I used to be a bit of a "job hopper" and it actually never kept me from getting hired.

If you're not at rock bottom and think if you tweak the situation, you can like it more and get what you need, then go ahead and switch teams within your company to get a better manager. Maybe you'll feel less distracted and be able to enjoy the girl you're dating. If you feel isolated still, why not tell your new romantic interest and see if she'd be open to doing some group activities so you can meet more of her friends or just more people in general?

On the writing thing, if you have the time to try to write some stories or whatever it is that you write and pitch them to publishers/publications, you should. You don't need to wait to find a full-time job doing so, and in fact I'd recommend against that. I think if you do want to be a writer, you need a portfolio and some published work before you can even think of being able to support yourself full-time as a writer, so I would do it on the side as a hobby (hopefully a paid hobby) for now and slowly work your way into that. If you don't have the time, maybe if you do find a new job, you can find one with the work-life balance that will allow you some time to write and pitch your writing as a freelancer. I have experience doing this -- it started small and sporadic but now I have a steady stream of writing gigs that I still do outside my "real" job. Freelancing is also a good way to see if the grass just seems greener to you or if you really love writing before you give up a high salary and benefits.
posted by AppleTurnover at 9:47 AM on January 15, 2016

Are there any LGBTQ Meetup groups near you? I feel you about moving abroad, losing your queer circle and having to come out all over again, these are where I found my 'people' once more.
posted by ellieBOA at 11:44 AM on January 15, 2016

You could use your interest in creative writing to meet people. Look for a writing meetup to join. If there aren't any, try starting one. You could put a notice on the library or coffee shop or bookstore bulletin board (if they allow it) stating: "Fiction writer looking for other writers to workshop stories. Call anon at 444-0398 if interested." Or if there is a local arts center/ arts council, see if they offer creative writing classes and sign up for one. Identify the best writers in the class (or the ones who offer the most helpful feedback) and propose starting a group with them when the class ends. Even if you don't end up writing a work of literary genius, you could gain some new acquaintances with similar interests, who may end up becoming your friends.
posted by tuesdayschild at 12:41 PM on January 15, 2016

I personally find that when I am having a challenge time at work, I have to try really hard to prevent those negative work feelings from creeping into every other aspect of my life without my realising it, in that my feelings of dissatisfaction at work suddenly become feelings of dissatisfaction with relationships, with my living arrangements, with my body, with etc etc etc.

I reckon try moving to another team. Work seems to be your biggest problem right now; take care of that, and then see how you feel about the other problems/your life. You may find when work isn't stressing you out so much, everything else seems pretty good in comparison, and you have more resource to focus on the other things you want to change anyway. Best of luck.
posted by smoke at 4:44 PM on January 15, 2016

You mentioned you have a great job at a great company. It's pretty likely that your great employer pays for an anonymous/confidential phone and/or in-person counselling/advice/support service (provided by a third party to enforce confidentiality). I have used that sort of thing before to positive effect. Might be worth looking up if you have access to anything like that, if you think it sounds useful.
posted by hAndrew at 1:47 AM on January 16, 2016

Only two brief pieces of advice:

Don't try to solve everything at once. Work strikes me as a the biggest problem, and I know from personal experience that getting away from bad management can make a big difference to the rest of your life, so fixing that situation will give you breathing space so you'll be able to make smarter decisions on how to deal with everything else.

I think the RCMP study above speaks volumes. If this is just something that humans in a certain situation tend to go through it would be a shame to miss out on an opportunity because of that. I find what helps me in that kind of scenario is to set a hard deadline for making a decision.... say eight months after you originally arrived... and give yourself that amount of time before having to make a decision. Put the date in your diary, maybe a calendar on the wall and cross off the days, that way you can see that there's a definite end to your current malaise, that can make it more manageable; and also there's an observable amount of time in which to come to a properly qualified decision.

Going by what you've written and the way you think you've got the capabilities to deal with this, just like I say, don't try to fix it all at once :)
posted by DancingYear at 6:02 AM on January 16, 2016

I'm only about eight months late, but I finally found the paper I mentioned earlier and blogged about it.

I hope you're doing OK now.
posted by mhoye at 6:19 PM on August 18, 2016