How do I make internet dating work if half my time is spent between two countries?

September 19, 2011 10:37 AM

Help this part-time expat do Internet dating while living between two countries.

I have been living and working in South America for the past two years. It looks like I will be returning to the the U.S. semi-permanently. I recently returned for two months and then will be abroad another two months. I will spend the bulk of the winter in North America only to leave again for an indefinite period in January.

As I have been abroad for sometime my social life at home has suffered a bit. I am also finding it difficult to meet new people and potential dates at my age (35yo) in the provincial town I come from in the U.S.

I signed up for match.com on my last trip home with little success. I think this mainly due to the learning curve that comes with dating online. My question is how do I make internet dating work if half my time is spent between two countries? I doubt a lot of women are looking to start off with a part-time very long-distance relationship.

Bonus question: I have always thought it was strange when somebody only wants to date people of only one racial type. In my case I would prefer to date Spanish speakers. Not necessarily Latinas, but women who would be able to practice and keep our language skills sharp. Let me know your thoughts please!

posted by anonymous to human relations (4 answers total)

I'm gonna say that at the very least you want to put yourself up for pen pals and short-term dating only.
posted by rhizome at 11:07 AM on September 19, 2011 [1 favorite]

Hey, can you contact a mod and add some things? Your interests, and where you will be - maybe just a state - when you're in the states? Also, some contact info.

I say this because, really, different online dating sites are better for different purposes. Also, if you're interested in finding someone to marry, you really might have to commit to spending a longer chunk of time in one place, with shorter trips abroad. If you're not interested in finding a partner, but just want to date, OkCupid might be a better bet.

Now, for real advice, without knowing what you're actually doing! Be honest about what you're looking for. Up front. This comment of mine from fairly recently sums up how a lot of women respond to wishy washy profiles from men. The reasonable women on the ends of the spectrum who know what we want avoid. Most ladies in the middle go for it, because they either don't know or don't care what they want. The unreasonable ladies on both ends go for it, because they think they'll either change you, or they're reading your wishy washy-ness to say whatever they want to see! Now, of course that whole thread was specifically about wanting child free, but it applies to travel and marrying and lots of other things. If you know what you want, don't dance around it.

también, se debe hablar con las mujeres donde quiera que vaya. Y habla con todos sus amigos! Dejar que saben que usted quiere ___________. Pero usted sabía que ya, ¿si?
posted by bilabial at 11:13 AM on September 19, 2011

I agree with bilabial's OkCupid recommendation. Among other things, it does let you search for languages spoken (independently of race).

I wouldn't be so pessimistic about how many (or which) women are "looking to start off with a part-time very long-distance relationship." Create an engaging profile, one that makes the most of the fascinating life and interests you have, including your enviable opportunities to travel extensively. Start exchanging messages (from wherever you are at the time) with women you find interesting, and as your conversations progress, it will quickly emerge that you spend a lot of time in South America. Maybe that will be a non-starter for some of the people you connect with, but I imagine that would be the exception, and I don't think it should stop you from setting up a date with someone (or multiple people!) when you're next in the States (heck, that process can take weeks or months for ANYONE). It's just a date! Many or most of the women you meet won't be a good fit with you even for a second date, let alone a long-term relationship, and if you meet someone you hit it off with, they'll be able to decide for themselves whether it's a pleasure just to have met you, or to date you for a short period of time, or just off-and-on when you happen to be in the U.S., or if they are ready to fall madly in love with you and want to have long schmoopy Skype conversations every moment you're away.

(As a side note, is it be possible for you to set up your U.S. home base in a less provincial town? I'm guessing it could only help widen your social circles and opportunities to meet interesting new strangers, online and off.)

!Buena suerte!
posted by argonauta at 11:34 AM on September 19, 2011

Met my husband on Match, my only real advice is BE REAL! If you want to meet women for occasional dates when you are in America, clearly state that!

When looking, I'd have gone on a date with you! The way I looked at dating on line, if you aren't willing to go out and meet people, don't do it! Always meet in public and then there will be 3 possible outcomes: 1. You meet a really odd person that you hope to never see again 2. You meet someone you may enjoy spending time with again, or 3. You live happily ever after with Miss Right!

Just be honest and don't accept anything less than honesty in return!
posted by Jayed at 11:35 PM on September 19, 2011