*Text Message* Your new sister! Surprise!
December 28, 2015 12:10 PM
My father just had a new baby today, and while it wasn't a surprise to him, it was to me. How do I start to cope with unexpected feelings of rejection, jealousy, and anger in the wake of my father's new family? Outside of myself, how do I help my youngest sister deal with it as well?
I am the oldest of my family. I've had a long time to process my feelings in regards to my parents extremely messy relationship. Dad had a PTSD-related breakdown my freshman year of college that resulted in me failing multiple classes and dropping out to go home/ become caretaker of my mother and siblings when he left with no notice or explanation. Queue messy drama, alcoholism, depression, and lots of secrets and lies. I've since moved states away from my family, though I'm still close to my sister and working on my relationship with my mother. My relationship with my father is rocky at best and I typically have little contact outside of a compulsory visit once a year.
Today, he texts me out of the blue and says "You have a little sister". Out of nowhere. I didn't even know he was seeing anyone. Hell, I didn't even know my (10 year + separated) parents were actually divorced yet. I'm feeling very confused and uncomfortable with the situation. There were nine months that he could have said something. I feel like he's rubbing his new starter family in our faces. My sister is equally upset. She was a tiny kid when he left and she especially feels rejected. I'm still pretty overwhelmed by the news and I'm not even sure how to explain, but I've got a lot of feels. Am I being over-dramatic? Not to mention its only two days before my birthday and that's always been forgotten/overshadowed. Obviously, therapy, stat, but what can I do in the interim?
I am the oldest of my family. I've had a long time to process my feelings in regards to my parents extremely messy relationship. Dad had a PTSD-related breakdown my freshman year of college that resulted in me failing multiple classes and dropping out to go home/ become caretaker of my mother and siblings when he left with no notice or explanation. Queue messy drama, alcoholism, depression, and lots of secrets and lies. I've since moved states away from my family, though I'm still close to my sister and working on my relationship with my mother. My relationship with my father is rocky at best and I typically have little contact outside of a compulsory visit once a year.
Today, he texts me out of the blue and says "You have a little sister". Out of nowhere. I didn't even know he was seeing anyone. Hell, I didn't even know my (10 year + separated) parents were actually divorced yet. I'm feeling very confused and uncomfortable with the situation. There were nine months that he could have said something. I feel like he's rubbing his new starter family in our faces. My sister is equally upset. She was a tiny kid when he left and she especially feels rejected. I'm still pretty overwhelmed by the news and I'm not even sure how to explain, but I've got a lot of feels. Am I being over-dramatic? Not to mention its only two days before my birthday and that's always been forgotten/overshadowed. Obviously, therapy, stat, but what can I do in the interim?
I feel like he's rubbing his new starter family in our faces.
I'd bet money he's not, because I'd bet more money that it's not about you at all. It's about him, and it's been about him for years and years. I don't know that framing it this way is accurate or will make it any easier to deal with, but I had a similar kind of dad in some respects, and it really helped me not get depressed, bitter, and resentful once I understood that none of the crappy things he did that affected me were about me. It was about his own sense of control, his own narrative, his own desires to do what he wanted and prioritizing anyone else's needs or feelings was way further down the list.
I'm sorry this is happening. I know it's hard. For your little sister, the only thing I can really suggest is that you see if she'd be open to some short-term therapy with someone.
posted by rtha at 12:26 PM on December 28, 2015
I'd bet money he's not, because I'd bet more money that it's not about you at all. It's about him, and it's been about him for years and years. I don't know that framing it this way is accurate or will make it any easier to deal with, but I had a similar kind of dad in some respects, and it really helped me not get depressed, bitter, and resentful once I understood that none of the crappy things he did that affected me were about me. It was about his own sense of control, his own narrative, his own desires to do what he wanted and prioritizing anyone else's needs or feelings was way further down the list.
I'm sorry this is happening. I know it's hard. For your little sister, the only thing I can really suggest is that you see if she'd be open to some short-term therapy with someone.
posted by rtha at 12:26 PM on December 28, 2015
I'm very sorry you are going through this. Based on the limited information that was in the text message though, you don't even know yourself how long your father has known about this news, correct? He might not be seeing someone. Your parents might not be divorced. None of those are contingencies of you having a new sister.
I would not tell your dad he is rubbing anything in your face until you know the actual details of what the situation is. And be kind. None of this is your new sibling's fault.
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 12:27 PM on December 28, 2015
I would not tell your dad he is rubbing anything in your face until you know the actual details of what the situation is. And be kind. None of this is your new sibling's fault.
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 12:27 PM on December 28, 2015
You both have every right to be floored, unsettled, angry, offended, and hurt by the means and manner of this announcement.
Let yourself have feelings. Whenever a person gets a shock of any kind, there's often this deep primal need to react, to dooooooo something. There's nothing to be done at this point, though. You don't have to reply to him. Or, if you do, you don't have to have the perfect reply ready.
But ultimately, fuck him. You deal with your feelings, help your sister, grieve the state of things (probably not for the first or last time), focus on self-care. Put on your oxygen mask, help her with hers, look for a therapist, maybe look into some resources for children of narcissists (whether he is clinically one or not, it seems like the shoe fits well enough), take your time, do what you need to do.
Replying to him, saying anything to him, it can wait a year or two or ten or never - I recommend waiting until you move past the stage where you believe that if you just say the right word he will fix everything, which is a real thing that burns for a long time inside the children of crappy parents.
posted by Lyn Never at 12:28 PM on December 28, 2015
Let yourself have feelings. Whenever a person gets a shock of any kind, there's often this deep primal need to react, to dooooooo something. There's nothing to be done at this point, though. You don't have to reply to him. Or, if you do, you don't have to have the perfect reply ready.
But ultimately, fuck him. You deal with your feelings, help your sister, grieve the state of things (probably not for the first or last time), focus on self-care. Put on your oxygen mask, help her with hers, look for a therapist, maybe look into some resources for children of narcissists (whether he is clinically one or not, it seems like the shoe fits well enough), take your time, do what you need to do.
Replying to him, saying anything to him, it can wait a year or two or ten or never - I recommend waiting until you move past the stage where you believe that if you just say the right word he will fix everything, which is a real thing that burns for a long time inside the children of crappy parents.
posted by Lyn Never at 12:28 PM on December 28, 2015
Well therapy seems like a good idea in this instance. What you're aiming for is acceptance of the fact that you got completely shafted in the parent department.
The reality is this. Your Dad is just a jerk. He has issues, and he's not really a father to you or your sister. He's not thinking about your feelings, he's only thinking of himself. He's a guy who contributed some of your DNA.
Now, in your shoes, I'd send him a text back saying, "Hope you do better with her than you did with me and Lisa. Asshole." Then I'd block him, because who needs this drama and bullshit in their life?
What are you getting from a relationship with this man? If there's nothing positive about it, I might suggest cutting him off. Relationships can't be one-sided and it seems that you do the heavy-lifting in this one. BTW, you have permission to cut him off, he makes bad choices, he's insensitive to your feelings and he's basically nothing but a suck on your time and emotions.
I like what Hermoine Grainger said to actually say to him. Your dad is a selfish child and not worth your anger, joy, sadness or any other feeling you have.
Cut him off for now, block him after sending whatever email/text you deem appropriate and hie thee to therapy so that you can understand that this isn't about you, it's all about him. 24/7
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 12:29 PM on December 28, 2015
The reality is this. Your Dad is just a jerk. He has issues, and he's not really a father to you or your sister. He's not thinking about your feelings, he's only thinking of himself. He's a guy who contributed some of your DNA.
Now, in your shoes, I'd send him a text back saying, "Hope you do better with her than you did with me and Lisa. Asshole." Then I'd block him, because who needs this drama and bullshit in their life?
What are you getting from a relationship with this man? If there's nothing positive about it, I might suggest cutting him off. Relationships can't be one-sided and it seems that you do the heavy-lifting in this one. BTW, you have permission to cut him off, he makes bad choices, he's insensitive to your feelings and he's basically nothing but a suck on your time and emotions.
I like what Hermoine Grainger said to actually say to him. Your dad is a selfish child and not worth your anger, joy, sadness or any other feeling you have.
Cut him off for now, block him after sending whatever email/text you deem appropriate and hie thee to therapy so that you can understand that this isn't about you, it's all about him. 24/7
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 12:29 PM on December 28, 2015
He's a jerk. The baby is innocent. You're under no obligation to start a relationship with the baby now ( or ever, actually). Family is who you want to be your family. You're allowed to cut him out of your life and to not engage with the baby ever.
I would suggest a card to the baby and baby's other parent saying welcome to the world and giving my email address for if baby ever wants contact. Which kind of excludes your father from the equation.
People often do this because they know they'll be judged (yes dad, you are judged) and hope the charm of a new baby will make it all ok. And he's likely had a baby because he feels so shite about how handled his parenting the first time.
You can be a marvellous ally for the baby when she grows up, because he has clearly learned very little.
But it's also ok to not engage with her because you're not ready. And may never be.
Because she's probably going to end up hurt like you and your sister one day, and wonder what went wrong and how she could have been a better daughter etc... it would be nice to acknowledge her and leave the door open for her later.
Know that it's not your problem though, and you didn't choose it. So you don't have to participate. Big hugs. This is incredibly hurtful and insensitive. And my god, he's immature.
posted by taff at 12:30 PM on December 28, 2015
I would suggest a card to the baby and baby's other parent saying welcome to the world and giving my email address for if baby ever wants contact. Which kind of excludes your father from the equation.
People often do this because they know they'll be judged (yes dad, you are judged) and hope the charm of a new baby will make it all ok. And he's likely had a baby because he feels so shite about how handled his parenting the first time.
You can be a marvellous ally for the baby when she grows up, because he has clearly learned very little.
But it's also ok to not engage with her because you're not ready. And may never be.
Because she's probably going to end up hurt like you and your sister one day, and wonder what went wrong and how she could have been a better daughter etc... it would be nice to acknowledge her and leave the door open for her later.
Know that it's not your problem though, and you didn't choose it. So you don't have to participate. Big hugs. This is incredibly hurtful and insensitive. And my god, he's immature.
posted by taff at 12:30 PM on December 28, 2015
I can so relate to this. When I was 12 (and a year after my parents' divorce) my dad sat me and me sisters down and told us he was married and we had a six week old brother, surprise!
The feeling of rejection are perfectly normal and you are not overreacting. I felt the same way. You and your sister are entitled to your feelings. Lean on each other. The best thing about siblings is that they know exactly what you are going through. Time and therapy is really the best cure though.
I love my brother (and the one that came along after) and have never held one iota of a hard feeling against them. Hopefully you will have learn to love your surprise sister as well.
posted by Requiax at 12:31 PM on December 28, 2015
The feeling of rejection are perfectly normal and you are not overreacting. I felt the same way. You and your sister are entitled to your feelings. Lean on each other. The best thing about siblings is that they know exactly what you are going through. Time and therapy is really the best cure though.
I love my brother (and the one that came along after) and have never held one iota of a hard feeling against them. Hopefully you will have learn to love your surprise sister as well.
posted by Requiax at 12:31 PM on December 28, 2015
I'm so sorry. I have nothing to add to the above advice except to underline this:
You can be a marvellous ally for the baby when she grows up, because he has clearly learned very little.
But it's also ok to not engage with her because you're not ready. And may never be.
Either of those is perfectly acceptable, but after you've processed your reactions and helped your sister through hers, you both may find that focusing on helping this little kid through what, based on your own experience, is likely to be a messy home situation may end up helping you as well.
posted by tully_monster at 12:36 PM on December 28, 2015
You can be a marvellous ally for the baby when she grows up, because he has clearly learned very little.
But it's also ok to not engage with her because you're not ready. And may never be.
Either of those is perfectly acceptable, but after you've processed your reactions and helped your sister through hers, you both may find that focusing on helping this little kid through what, based on your own experience, is likely to be a messy home situation may end up helping you as well.
posted by tully_monster at 12:36 PM on December 28, 2015
You know when my dad told me that my stepmom was pregnant I felt the same way. I was 20 or 21 at the time and I felt like my dad was having his chance to start overy and get a whole new family, one that left me on the outside. My dad told me about 6 months into the pregnancy and because we live states away I was very much out of the loop. The first pregnancy miscarried but after a couple years of trying they conceived and I now have 3 year old sisters who I've only ever seen twice and probably don't even know who I am. It is an admittedly a hard place to be in and when your removed from your family it really does feel like someone is trying to erase you from the picture. I don't think some of those feelings ever go away because they come from a long standing sense of rejection, however what helped was the knowledge that I could find comfort in the relationships I currently had and that one day I'd do my best as a parent to make sure my child didn't feel that way.
You can talk to your dad but it depends on what you want...a better relationship, to feel loved, answers to your questions, the feeling of rejection to disappear? In the end I didn't say anything to my dad, I didn't have anything to gain, didn't think it'd make our relationship better and since I was an adult I felt it part of the proverbial "growing up" and just had to accept it. That said you can at least talk to him about the way he told you and how that made you feel because was shifty and inconsiderate. Also, last thing don't let anyone tell you feelings aren't valid because they totally are.
posted by CosmicSeeker42 at 12:37 PM on December 28, 2015
You can talk to your dad but it depends on what you want...a better relationship, to feel loved, answers to your questions, the feeling of rejection to disappear? In the end I didn't say anything to my dad, I didn't have anything to gain, didn't think it'd make our relationship better and since I was an adult I felt it part of the proverbial "growing up" and just had to accept it. That said you can at least talk to him about the way he told you and how that made you feel because was shifty and inconsiderate. Also, last thing don't let anyone tell you feelings aren't valid because they totally are.
posted by CosmicSeeker42 at 12:37 PM on December 28, 2015
you are fully within your rights to follow beyonce's example and not consider kids your dad decides to create in his old age as kin of any kind to you.
posted by nadawi at 12:42 PM on December 28, 2015
posted by nadawi at 12:42 PM on December 28, 2015
"Congratulations. I must admit some mixed feelings. To learn this as a surprise when you have known for months makes me feel like you view me as more of a distant acquaintance than a close family member. In the future please share large news with me sooner. However a new baby is always a happy occasion. I send her love and look forward to meeting her one day."
posted by samthemander at 12:50 PM on December 28, 2015
posted by samthemander at 12:50 PM on December 28, 2015
"What did this innocent baby do to deserve having you as a father? Please send the mother my contact details so the child knows at least one person will always be there for her. Lord knows, she'll need it."
posted by Jubey at 12:54 PM on December 28, 2015
posted by Jubey at 12:54 PM on December 28, 2015
My father's two sons from his first marriage were 23 & 20 respectively when I was born. The eldest son was very upset at my father's new family. The younger son was distressed by his parents' broken marriage but made the best of it.
Fifty years later, the youngest half-brother is my closest family member, his kids are like my younger brothers, and he is my go-to role model of what a 'very good human being' does. I haven't seen the eldest half-brother in 40 years.
So, think about the future. What sort of relationship with this little girl could bring you joy in the future?
And I have a question: what does your mother think about all this? The fact that my father's first wife did not alienate my father's new family made a big difference in all our lives.
posted by Thella at 1:04 PM on December 28, 2015
Fifty years later, the youngest half-brother is my closest family member, his kids are like my younger brothers, and he is my go-to role model of what a 'very good human being' does. I haven't seen the eldest half-brother in 40 years.
So, think about the future. What sort of relationship with this little girl could bring you joy in the future?
And I have a question: what does your mother think about all this? The fact that my father's first wife did not alienate my father's new family made a big difference in all our lives.
posted by Thella at 1:04 PM on December 28, 2015
I have a few follow-up thread-sitty things. My mother doesn't know and I don't know if I'm supposed to be the one to tell her or not. My parents don't talk. Also, my sister asked him why he didn't share the news with us prior to the baby being born and he said because he told everyone at Christmas, three days ago, so it was basically our fault for not knowing ahead of time.
Thank you all for your wonderful answers. It's been really appreciated.
posted by Marinara at 1:11 PM on December 28, 2015
Thank you all for your wonderful answers. It's been really appreciated.
posted by Marinara at 1:11 PM on December 28, 2015
my sister asked him why he didn't share the news with us prior to the baby being born
It's clear that asking him questions is just going to result in this sort of weird shitty nonsense. And it is nonsense, this is not how people behave with each other and I am sorry you are dealing with it. I was notified that my dad was getting (re-)married a few months before it happened (to a woman I only knew as his secretary and didn't know they were involved, dating or anything) so even though that is a different level of magnitude, I feel you. I also am the oldest and have a little sister who is also very OMG about a lot of this, and still harbors a great deal of rage against my dad, mom, stepmom, everyone. I've mostly moved past my rage but one of the tricky things for me is not getting dragged into my sister's drama about it while still being supportive of her hurt feelings and her need to vent. It was all a long time ago. My dad wound up divorced and alone and not particularly happy before he died. I have very mixed feelings about all of it.
Which is to say, basically, that you feel what you feel and therapy can help some of the feelings not feel so immediate and so damaging. It did for me. Support from others (MeFi, friends, even randos know this is totally not okay) for yourself helps, and learning, for yourself, how to support your more difficult family members without getting sucked into some bad juju. My dad was also an alcoholic. I spent a lot of time thinking it was my job to hold the family together when he didn't. I see a strain of that in what you are writing and I just want to note that it's okay to put your feelings first sometimes and not feel that you have to help support other people with their stuff if the same stuff is hurting you. It's okay if you DO that also, but sometimes it's useful to be all "Sorry this is really making things amazingly shitty for you but I have to finish school because that's what I need to do for me"
Dysfunctional families, especially those that surround alcoholics, can really want to keep everyone sucked in together in the same messy tar pit so think a little bit about the tar pit being a choice and your decisions, even your decisions to maybe disconnect from some people (your father and his "new family," or your mom with her bad feelings about the news, or your sister and her issues) and think about what responses would be helpful to you. I'd blow off my dad, if it were me, and basically not play in to his current bullshit. There will be future bullshit. Sister can make her own decisions and you can be supportive even if they are different. Your dad is broken and a mess and usually that will come back and bite him in the ass. You are not broken and maybe only a temporary mess and this is some bullshit and you can get through it.
posted by jessamyn at 1:31 PM on December 28, 2015
It's clear that asking him questions is just going to result in this sort of weird shitty nonsense. And it is nonsense, this is not how people behave with each other and I am sorry you are dealing with it. I was notified that my dad was getting (re-)married a few months before it happened (to a woman I only knew as his secretary and didn't know they were involved, dating or anything) so even though that is a different level of magnitude, I feel you. I also am the oldest and have a little sister who is also very OMG about a lot of this, and still harbors a great deal of rage against my dad, mom, stepmom, everyone. I've mostly moved past my rage but one of the tricky things for me is not getting dragged into my sister's drama about it while still being supportive of her hurt feelings and her need to vent. It was all a long time ago. My dad wound up divorced and alone and not particularly happy before he died. I have very mixed feelings about all of it.
Which is to say, basically, that you feel what you feel and therapy can help some of the feelings not feel so immediate and so damaging. It did for me. Support from others (MeFi, friends, even randos know this is totally not okay) for yourself helps, and learning, for yourself, how to support your more difficult family members without getting sucked into some bad juju. My dad was also an alcoholic. I spent a lot of time thinking it was my job to hold the family together when he didn't. I see a strain of that in what you are writing and I just want to note that it's okay to put your feelings first sometimes and not feel that you have to help support other people with their stuff if the same stuff is hurting you. It's okay if you DO that also, but sometimes it's useful to be all "Sorry this is really making things amazingly shitty for you but I have to finish school because that's what I need to do for me"
Dysfunctional families, especially those that surround alcoholics, can really want to keep everyone sucked in together in the same messy tar pit so think a little bit about the tar pit being a choice and your decisions, even your decisions to maybe disconnect from some people (your father and his "new family," or your mom with her bad feelings about the news, or your sister and her issues) and think about what responses would be helpful to you. I'd blow off my dad, if it were me, and basically not play in to his current bullshit. There will be future bullshit. Sister can make her own decisions and you can be supportive even if they are different. Your dad is broken and a mess and usually that will come back and bite him in the ass. You are not broken and maybe only a temporary mess and this is some bullshit and you can get through it.
posted by jessamyn at 1:31 PM on December 28, 2015
You're definitely not over-reacting. Finding out about a new sibling over SMS sounds awful. Divorce in general is a shitty minefield to traverse.
Reading between the lines it sounds like you still feel a connection and would prefer to be closer to him than you are. In all likelihood he withheld the information until after the fact because he had high anxiety about how you might react, which is not to say that it is your fault - it most emphatically is not - but just that the (seemingly) low levels of trust on both sides of that fence are a major impediment to establishing regular channels of communication.
One thing that made my life a lot easier as a child of a fractious divorce was coming to the realization that my parents are just people with flaws and no training in how to parent beyond the act of parenting itself. It allowed me to see them with empathy rather than rage and judgement. It was a hard-won revelation which required years of emotional unmooring and the rebuilding of those relationships more or less from the ground up, so I realize those words are hollow without the life experience to flesh them out, but hopefully they are of some value.
posted by grumpybear69 at 1:39 PM on December 28, 2015
Reading between the lines it sounds like you still feel a connection and would prefer to be closer to him than you are. In all likelihood he withheld the information until after the fact because he had high anxiety about how you might react, which is not to say that it is your fault - it most emphatically is not - but just that the (seemingly) low levels of trust on both sides of that fence are a major impediment to establishing regular channels of communication.
One thing that made my life a lot easier as a child of a fractious divorce was coming to the realization that my parents are just people with flaws and no training in how to parent beyond the act of parenting itself. It allowed me to see them with empathy rather than rage and judgement. It was a hard-won revelation which required years of emotional unmooring and the rebuilding of those relationships more or less from the ground up, so I realize those words are hollow without the life experience to flesh them out, but hopefully they are of some value.
posted by grumpybear69 at 1:39 PM on December 28, 2015
Let Hallmark get your back on this one. Pick out a card with your sister, sign it, mail it, and call it good. Your mom is not related to her ex husband, so what he does is of no significance to her. It is not your job to be his messenger girl. Find a neutral card, send it, and be done.
It is best you know a half sibling exists, because they are definitely real people who are likely to arrive in your life, innocent of any wrong being. This new child's dad is emotionally unskilled. I am sorry his sudden fecundity awakens painful memory. When family leaves you in a vacuum to begin with, and then rolls on adding new members to assimilate that, is when one has to respect and love the life one has created, and treasure those who help make it worth living. This is regardless of, or in spite of, blood ties. The holidays are fraught enough.
posted by Oyéah at 1:59 PM on December 28, 2015
It is best you know a half sibling exists, because they are definitely real people who are likely to arrive in your life, innocent of any wrong being. This new child's dad is emotionally unskilled. I am sorry his sudden fecundity awakens painful memory. When family leaves you in a vacuum to begin with, and then rolls on adding new members to assimilate that, is when one has to respect and love the life one has created, and treasure those who help make it worth living. This is regardless of, or in spite of, blood ties. The holidays are fraught enough.
posted by Oyéah at 1:59 PM on December 28, 2015
"And my same old father", I would have been tempted to reply, but I'd probably save that observation for my little sister.
Yet she is your half-sib, and the day may come when you're very glad she exists, and your sister could be too, so I think you should contain your eminently justified annoyance if you can, and limit it to your father, who is truly the only guilty party here, and approach the new baby and her mother with as open a heart as you can manage.
After all, he'll probably do something like this to them too, sooner or later. Then they will need your love, and might be able to return it -- and perhaps the whole bunch of you can help each other through the mess your father has created better than if you were divided against yourselves.
posted by jamjam at 2:18 PM on December 28, 2015
Yet she is your half-sib, and the day may come when you're very glad she exists, and your sister could be too, so I think you should contain your eminently justified annoyance if you can, and limit it to your father, who is truly the only guilty party here, and approach the new baby and her mother with as open a heart as you can manage.
After all, he'll probably do something like this to them too, sooner or later. Then they will need your love, and might be able to return it -- and perhaps the whole bunch of you can help each other through the mess your father has created better than if you were divided against yourselves.
posted by jamjam at 2:18 PM on December 28, 2015
I think the less time and energy you spend on interacting with him, the better. This has, justifiably, stirred up all kinds of things for you. Attend to yourself (and your sister, you may be stronger together).
To that end, I think you should send back a text message along the lines of, 'Congrats and best wishes to everybody.'
If there is more to be said to him about this, it can be said later, when you've had the time to think and process and make a reflective decision. Strong as your feelings are, there isn't really any urgency for you in this situation. So send back a generic text that lets that part of your head space be freed up without entangling yourself any further just now. If and when you do that, it should be on your terms, not his.
posted by Salamandrous at 4:53 PM on December 28, 2015
To that end, I think you should send back a text message along the lines of, 'Congrats and best wishes to everybody.'
If there is more to be said to him about this, it can be said later, when you've had the time to think and process and make a reflective decision. Strong as your feelings are, there isn't really any urgency for you in this situation. So send back a generic text that lets that part of your head space be freed up without entangling yourself any further just now. If and when you do that, it should be on your terms, not his.
posted by Salamandrous at 4:53 PM on December 28, 2015
I'm going to venture to say that part of your turmoil feelings is actually fear. You are the eldest and when your father fell short you had to cover the gaps and take up a caregiver's mantle before you were ready, without ever having made a decision about whether it was something you wanted or not.
Now he's dropped this bomb, in a very clumsy way that lets you know that he's still not a person that knows how to properly maintain relationships. And you know that he's probably not going to be any more functional as a father this time around as he was with you guys. And you know what that ended up meaning for you last time, and it was very bad and harmful.
Is there maybe a part of you worried that what is going to happen to you will be a repeat of what happened before? That your life is going to be upended taking care of yet another sibling, that you didn't ask for, that you didn't even grow up with, because your father can't do the job right? Or that you're going to watch him screw over this kid and feel twinges of responsibilty but be powerless to do anything about it? I mean, there are already people in this very thread telling you about how much this new sister is going to need you. That would terrify me if I was already intimately familar with how exhausting it was the last time around.
And this news just by existing has already kicked up a duststorm of emotional labor. It upset your younger sister, and you feel like it's your job to try and help her work through her feelings. You're wondering if it's job to tell your mother about this turn of events. It's very natural to feel a pit of dread about how much more emotional labor this is going to cost you from here on out.
So I'm going to suggest:
* It's not your job to tell your mother about this turn events.
* It's not your job to make your youngest sister feel okay about this. And your sister, and you, don't have to feel okay with this. You can sympathize with her, listen to her, commiserate with her, but don't try to control or guide how she's feeling. You don't have to manage her feelings about this, it's okay to focus on figuring out your own feelings right now.
* You don't have to reply to your dad right away, if you haven't already. Let yourself have the time to sit and feel out what your feeling without trying to do the work figuring out what you want to say back. You don't normally have a lot of contact or visitations with your dad, so I think not being chatty about this won't be out of the norm.
* You've probably already read the emotional labor thread, but a reread might be useful. It might help you internalize the idea that there is emotional labor here that you can actually push back against, which could help calm your fears, or at the very least you'll be able to articulate the scary things better when you hit therapy.
* You don't have to meet your new little sister until you're ready. She's just going to be a baby and it is going to be YEARS before she'll actually realize your not being there is an absence that has any meaning. Right now all she does is eat, sleep, and poop. So it's okay to take a deep breath and push any worry about that to a later time. Know that you really have a bunch of time to make any decisions that affect any level of relationship you do end up wanting to have. And if anybody tries to make you feel like this is something you have to do, tell yourself it is okay to push back.
* If it reassures you, you can try to consider this baby as more of a cousin or niece than a sister. You are far grown past the point where you will have a relationship with her that resembles siblinghood. You can decide that you're not going to spend a lot of time and energy connecting with her and just mostly send her Christmas/birthday gifts and see her during your compulsory yearly visit with you Dad. (Though I gotta say, what makes it compulsory?)
* Spend time figuring out a way to make your own birthday a good day because you are important.
posted by foxfirefey at 5:59 PM on December 28, 2015
Now he's dropped this bomb, in a very clumsy way that lets you know that he's still not a person that knows how to properly maintain relationships. And you know that he's probably not going to be any more functional as a father this time around as he was with you guys. And you know what that ended up meaning for you last time, and it was very bad and harmful.
Is there maybe a part of you worried that what is going to happen to you will be a repeat of what happened before? That your life is going to be upended taking care of yet another sibling, that you didn't ask for, that you didn't even grow up with, because your father can't do the job right? Or that you're going to watch him screw over this kid and feel twinges of responsibilty but be powerless to do anything about it? I mean, there are already people in this very thread telling you about how much this new sister is going to need you. That would terrify me if I was already intimately familar with how exhausting it was the last time around.
And this news just by existing has already kicked up a duststorm of emotional labor. It upset your younger sister, and you feel like it's your job to try and help her work through her feelings. You're wondering if it's job to tell your mother about this turn of events. It's very natural to feel a pit of dread about how much more emotional labor this is going to cost you from here on out.
So I'm going to suggest:
* It's not your job to tell your mother about this turn events.
* It's not your job to make your youngest sister feel okay about this. And your sister, and you, don't have to feel okay with this. You can sympathize with her, listen to her, commiserate with her, but don't try to control or guide how she's feeling. You don't have to manage her feelings about this, it's okay to focus on figuring out your own feelings right now.
* You don't have to reply to your dad right away, if you haven't already. Let yourself have the time to sit and feel out what your feeling without trying to do the work figuring out what you want to say back. You don't normally have a lot of contact or visitations with your dad, so I think not being chatty about this won't be out of the norm.
* You've probably already read the emotional labor thread, but a reread might be useful. It might help you internalize the idea that there is emotional labor here that you can actually push back against, which could help calm your fears, or at the very least you'll be able to articulate the scary things better when you hit therapy.
* You don't have to meet your new little sister until you're ready. She's just going to be a baby and it is going to be YEARS before she'll actually realize your not being there is an absence that has any meaning. Right now all she does is eat, sleep, and poop. So it's okay to take a deep breath and push any worry about that to a later time. Know that you really have a bunch of time to make any decisions that affect any level of relationship you do end up wanting to have. And if anybody tries to make you feel like this is something you have to do, tell yourself it is okay to push back.
* If it reassures you, you can try to consider this baby as more of a cousin or niece than a sister. You are far grown past the point where you will have a relationship with her that resembles siblinghood. You can decide that you're not going to spend a lot of time and energy connecting with her and just mostly send her Christmas/birthday gifts and see her during your compulsory yearly visit with you Dad. (Though I gotta say, what makes it compulsory?)
* Spend time figuring out a way to make your own birthday a good day because you are important.
posted by foxfirefey at 5:59 PM on December 28, 2015
As rtha said, it's about him. A saying I read several years ago comes to mind: "People do things that annoy us, not necessarily to annoy us."
posted by davcoo at 6:15 PM on December 28, 2015
posted by davcoo at 6:15 PM on December 28, 2015
I just wanted to commiserate - my dad had his do-over kid with a woman my age. Ugh. I found out when junior was 3 years old. It brought up a whole range of feelings, mostly anger because I felt like we were the real family - we suffered through the turmoil, his drinking, abuse and mental health issues and now he gets a clean slate and junior gets a dad I never had. It flipped my life story around. I felt resentful and short changed. I felt grossed out and embarrassed. Why couldn't my life be normal?
Then I realized that he's still the same person - he's still manipulative, self absorbed, antagonistic and a bully. Junior doesn't get the dad I never had, he gets the exact same dad I had, poor little guy. It helped me to not romanticize it but see it realistically. I don't have a relationship with the little one, never met him, don't want to, there's really no reason to make this kid a part of my life. I have zero obligation to do so and I don't feel bad about it.
You are not being overly dramatic, this kind of thing brings out deep stuff. From one stranger to another on the internet - everything you feel no matter how "petty" or small is normal and understandable. Read other people's stories on the internet and you'll find your feelings are so so normal and so common. So now we're part of this lame club and yay us? Once the news washes over you it won't be so big a deal and you can go back to living your life. Hugs.
posted by serenity soonish at 9:58 PM on December 28, 2015
Then I realized that he's still the same person - he's still manipulative, self absorbed, antagonistic and a bully. Junior doesn't get the dad I never had, he gets the exact same dad I had, poor little guy. It helped me to not romanticize it but see it realistically. I don't have a relationship with the little one, never met him, don't want to, there's really no reason to make this kid a part of my life. I have zero obligation to do so and I don't feel bad about it.
You are not being overly dramatic, this kind of thing brings out deep stuff. From one stranger to another on the internet - everything you feel no matter how "petty" or small is normal and understandable. Read other people's stories on the internet and you'll find your feelings are so so normal and so common. So now we're part of this lame club and yay us? Once the news washes over you it won't be so big a deal and you can go back to living your life. Hugs.
posted by serenity soonish at 9:58 PM on December 28, 2015
"I don't have a little sister. You had a child, and that has nothing to do with me."
and/or "I have a sister, who you abandoned 10 years ago, along with my mother, and me."
posted by omg_parrots at 10:05 PM on December 28, 2015
and/or "I have a sister, who you abandoned 10 years ago, along with my mother, and me."
posted by omg_parrots at 10:05 PM on December 28, 2015
Perhaps, in relation to your sister's querying of your dad's decision to delay telling her/you about the impending birth, simply do not ask questions. It is a rhetorical dance that will lead to more frustration as he's never going to tell you or her anything useful when he 'answers' - because he's simply a shithead who can't do that. Some little lizard part of his brain loves the drama of his repudiation of you two and is gratified by crapping on about Xmas.
As rtha says, this is you and your sister being in the path of an asshole doing his asshole things, not something he is doing particularly *to* you and her. This is a hard truth to digest, because you are the personal target of the bullshit in your experience of this news right now. He's never been a good father to you, it will suck if he's a bad father to another daughter too, or maybe equally upsetting will be if he's a good father to her, leaving you feeling unfairly repudiated. All paths around interacting with your father are freighted with pain.
If you don't drop contact with him, maybe that is not possible, at least only make statements that require no answers.
Don't raise any feelings - the best way to nuke a narc is to be The Gray Rock. Don't elevate any feelings with accusation, questions, emotions of your own. Neutrally dismiss this as just bland news: 'thanks for letting me know' end of story, no questions, no fanning flames of whatever it is that feels like repudiation. Look what he did to your sister - fanned flames of repudiation by crapping on about Christmas. Buuuuullll sheeeeeet.
posted by honey-barbara at 11:35 PM on December 28, 2015
As rtha says, this is you and your sister being in the path of an asshole doing his asshole things, not something he is doing particularly *to* you and her. This is a hard truth to digest, because you are the personal target of the bullshit in your experience of this news right now. He's never been a good father to you, it will suck if he's a bad father to another daughter too, or maybe equally upsetting will be if he's a good father to her, leaving you feeling unfairly repudiated. All paths around interacting with your father are freighted with pain.
If you don't drop contact with him, maybe that is not possible, at least only make statements that require no answers.
Don't raise any feelings - the best way to nuke a narc is to be The Gray Rock. Don't elevate any feelings with accusation, questions, emotions of your own. Neutrally dismiss this as just bland news: 'thanks for letting me know' end of story, no questions, no fanning flames of whatever it is that feels like repudiation. Look what he did to your sister - fanned flames of repudiation by crapping on about Christmas. Buuuuullll sheeeeeet.
posted by honey-barbara at 11:35 PM on December 28, 2015
I think the less time and energy you spend on interacting with him, the better. This has, justifiably, stirred up all kinds of things for you. Attend to yourself (and your sister, you may be stronger together).
To that end, I think you should send back a text message along the lines of, 'Congrats and best wishes to everybody.'
This was where my head went as well, sorta. I'm a big fan of the way that in these situations, quickly sending the bare minimum communication gives you space and time to have All the Emotions, free from any sense that you need to respond in any way. (Of course, never responding is also an option.) There's nothing you can say that'll evoke the reaction anyone would want from him ("I realize I should have told you a long time ago, because I love you and want you to be part of the baby's life, and I'm sorry...") Since he won't say that, any response from him is likely to hurt, and thinking "what should I say?" probably just gets you thinking about the hurt to come.
I'd go with "Congrats" because on the one hand it conveys "congratulations," which is the thing people say, and on the other hand, its missing syllables and lack of punctuation offer a number of other possible interpretations, such as "I wrote this while boarding the bus and immediately put it out of my mind." It's a very proportionate response in its inadequacy. (Other options might be "I do?" which hints at his utter failure to provide you with any context at all, or "Wow, you guys must be very excited," which completely omits any comments on your feelings or well wishings or lack thereof. But only pick those if you won't care about his possible answers.) Find the thing that feels satisfying and accurate to YOU to say and that gives you the most sense of closure and self-protection, like you don't care how he responds. On preview, the understatement of "thanks for letting me know" is also good.
I don't know what to say about your sister and your mom. I bet he'll assume you'll tell your mom, but I don't think it needs to be your job if you don't want it to be. I think just talking to your sister about it will be helpful to her, if that's something that wouldn't be too draining. It's clear you've often had to be the caretaker for your mom and sister, and I like the way that jessamyn and foxfirefey's comments raise the question of whether you'd want to step back from that.
posted by salvia at 11:52 PM on December 28, 2015
Marinara, you are not very old, so you have many years ahead of you. Do try to have a happy life, and avoid the corrosive hatred that shrivels the soul, and do what you can to keep your sister(s) from the negative.
You weren't dealt the best parents, but you have the option of being better, to profit from the mistakes you saw them make.
Oh, and Happy Birthday a day early. Hope this next year is better for you.
posted by Cranberry at 12:53 AM on December 29, 2015
You weren't dealt the best parents, but you have the option of being better, to profit from the mistakes you saw them make.
Oh, and Happy Birthday a day early. Hope this next year is better for you.
posted by Cranberry at 12:53 AM on December 29, 2015
Text messages are a truly dreadful medium for transmitting news with significant emotional weight. I understand and accept that Young People These Days use them for that all the time without thinking anything of it, but that doesn't change the fact that they are a completely awful fit for that kind of use.
A rule I use is that if I am in any way doubtful about the motives of somebody who just sent me an upsetting text, I just delete it and then act as if it never arrived; people who persistently send me texts I find upsetting simply get blocked so that I cease to hear from them via that medium.
It is well understood amongst people who have my number that I work this way. Anybody to whom it is really important that I know something can tell me face to face, or find somebody else to dump it on instead.
I do this because I have found over the years that it minimizes drama, and I unreservedly recommend the same method to everybody. Life's too short to spend much of it dealing with other people's electronically mediated bullshit. If they want to make your life a misery, let them expend the effort required to do that in person.
posted by flabdablet at 4:15 AM on December 29, 2015
A rule I use is that if I am in any way doubtful about the motives of somebody who just sent me an upsetting text, I just delete it and then act as if it never arrived; people who persistently send me texts I find upsetting simply get blocked so that I cease to hear from them via that medium.
It is well understood amongst people who have my number that I work this way. Anybody to whom it is really important that I know something can tell me face to face, or find somebody else to dump it on instead.
I do this because I have found over the years that it minimizes drama, and I unreservedly recommend the same method to everybody. Life's too short to spend much of it dealing with other people's electronically mediated bullshit. If they want to make your life a misery, let them expend the effort required to do that in person.
posted by flabdablet at 4:15 AM on December 29, 2015
You don't have to have another sister if you don't choose to accept the relationship. Your father's reproductive choices don't change your family unless you want them to do so.
This isn't your sister automatically just because you share some genetic material. We share genetic material with every human on earth.
posted by winna at 10:10 AM on December 29, 2015
This isn't your sister automatically just because you share some genetic material. We share genetic material with every human on earth.
posted by winna at 10:10 AM on December 29, 2015
This thread is closed to new comments.
"Dad, telling me I have a new sibling out of the blue is abrupt, insensitive, and unkind. I feel very confused and uncomfortable and like you're rubbing your new family in my face and that of my sister. Please treat me and your first family with more respect than you're showing us. I want to be happy for you, but the immature way you've chosen to share this news really overshadows the joy I could have had in welcoming a new half sibling. Please leave me and my little sister alone while we figure out how we want to deal with this new information. We feel rejected and lousy right now and we do not deserve to feel that way after all you've done to our family."
At the same time, remember that your dad is mentally ill and put his actions in context with that -- not to excuse anything he's done, because mental illness isn't an excuse for shitty behavior. It's just that his behavior is likely rational only to him so that's something to be prepared for as you process this news and decide what sort of relationship (if any) you want to have with your dad and this new arrival.
posted by Hermione Granger at 12:19 PM on December 28, 2015