Parental drama - and we're supposedly adults.
September 24, 2014 7:55 AM   Subscribe

My (divorced) father is having a family party in a few weeks to celebrate his retirement. Due to recent actions he has taken against my mother, my younger brother will not attend, and is in fact not speaking to our father right now. Several people at the party are liable to bring this all up. How do I diffuse this drama so it doesn't blow up?

Long, long story short. My parents got divorced when my sister and I were teenagers, and my brother was eight. Due mostly (but not totally) to his own choices, my dad was not around much when our little brother was growing up, and my brother spent a LOT of time by himself, at the neighbors', or with a sitter. He does not have a good relationship with my father, but is very close to our mother, who was understandably very upset when my father left the house, and had to work two jobs to help maintain household finances.

Several weeks ago, my father went to court to try and stop paying alimony to our mother, several years early, because he claimed she had broken a provision of their agreement. (Whether this is technically true is irrelevant; my siblings and I are all on our mother's side, morally, and have told our parents this.) My brother has completely stopped communicating with our father as a result of this court action, and has said he will not be travelling to the retirement party. My middle sister and I have said we will go, begrudgingly, but our father knows we are unhappy about the situation. Despite my father constantly bugging my sister and I to talk to our brother, we have no interest in trying to convince him to do something he will not due.

There will be several people at this party who are, let's say, ill behaved. They are very likely, even with a warning not to, to bring up my brother's absence, or to bring up my mother in a derogatory manner. My father has said several times he does not think anyone will be a problem, but past experience with these people leads my sister and I to believe otherwise.

What is the best thing to do here? My sister and I would like to be supportive of both of our parents, and would not be comfortable missing the party, which would devastate our father even further. Can I contact these badly behaved people myself and ask them not to create problems?

I should note (sorry, this is long!) that my mother understands that my sister and I are in a terrible position, and supports whatever we decide to do. She has said she does not want us fighting on her behalf, but both my sister and I are very sensitive about our mother and little brother.
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (40 answers total) 1 user marked this as a favorite
 
"Jake couldn't make it tonight. Hey, did you go to any Cubs games this season?"

Anyone who brings up derogatory shit about your mom should be ignored. Or if you can't escape, just keep saying "what?" like you can't hear them, forcing them to repeat their bullshit over and over until they just sound absurd. Assholes.
posted by phunniemee at 8:04 AM on September 24, 2014 [24 favorites]


Can I contact these badly behaved people myself and ask them not to create problems?

Oh god no. If you expect these people to behave badly and talk shit about your other family without provocation, contacting them pre-emptively will a) let them know this will bug you and guarantee that sort of behavior and b) stoke family drama because if they're genuinely shitty people, they will absolutely tell everyone how poorly you think of them that it would even occur to you to do this and how awful you are as well.

Your brother is not there because he doesn't want to deal with this stuff, and I can't imagine he wants you to deal with it for him. If someone is talking shit to you about your family, calmly and plainly make it clear that it's inappropriate for them to speak that way to you, and if they keep it up just walk away and avoid them until it's time to go. Don't get into it with them; "they started it" is never a good excuse and this event is to celebrate your dad, not defend the honor of your absent family.

If you don't think you can restrain yourself, then you probably shouldn't go. Your dad may be devastated if you don't attend, but I can't imagine he'd prefer drama breaking out at his party to your absence.
posted by griphus at 8:04 AM on September 24, 2014 [22 favorites]


Boy, what an awful situation. I'm sorry you're going through it. Were I you, I would not go to the party, but you've said that's not an option.

I don't see how contacting these people beforehand has any chance of making a difference. If they're the kind of people liable to intentionally bring up touchy topics at a retirement party, then you raising the issue beforehand will probably make them even bigger jerks.

If you really and truly cannot bring yourself to skip the party, I think your only option is to segregate yourself from these people once there. If the topic of your brother comes up, you walk away without saying anything. Step outside, move to another room. Don't indulge these people. Keep the focus on your dad.
posted by jbickers at 8:05 AM on September 24, 2014 [1 favorite]


Can I contact these badly behaved people myself and ask them not to create problems? 

People who are likely to create problems are not going to listen to reason.

My advice is to go the party, avoid those people, and if drama blows up leave the room or even the party.

You are not the police of everyone.

If you feel you must do something, perhaps ask your dad, who is the host, to understand that you do not enjoy drama and will only stay as long as the party is pleasant.
posted by Lesser Shrew at 8:05 AM on September 24, 2014 [7 favorites]


Do not contact them. No, no, no. That's just throwing flame on the fire.

But if anyone says something to YOU about your mother and brother, you smile and change the subject. If they persist, you suddenly have to go talk to that cousin over there you haven't seen in 5 years.
posted by zizzle at 8:07 AM on September 24, 2014 [8 favorites]


This doesn't sound like bad behavior that you can or should try to preempt. It sounds more like bad behavior that needs to be slapped down when it occurs. Whether that's done with a sharp comment, a silent look, an abrupt topic change, or turning heel and walking away, those are style choices that depend on your personality and the unique circumstance. I might respond to Joe differently than I would to Bob or Sally, and your style would be different with all three.

Go to the party, and enjoy yourselves. If you can avoid rudeness by limiting interaction with certain people, great. But it's rarely something you can preempt. That's its nature.
posted by cribcage at 8:07 AM on September 24, 2014 [5 favorites]


'Hi dad. I understand you don't think there will be any blowback from the current situation between you and mom, and the fact that littlebrother is not attending. Sister and I are pretty worried about it though. We said we would come to your party and we want to come to your party, but anticipation over how $_asshole1 is going to act is stressing us out. Can you talk to them and let them know not to bring this up while we are there? Because if they do it's likely we are both going to be pretty angry and will leave. Love you, Annon"
posted by edgeways at 8:07 AM on September 24, 2014 [1 favorite]


Do NOT bring up this expectation in advance. It's insulting to those who'd never dream of it, and a flimsy barrier to those who would.

If someone asks: "He couldn't make it. He's doing well, just got a promotion at work [or whatever]." And THEN turn the conversation around. People love to talk about themselves. It's a wonderful feeling to dodge those conversations by letting boorish people be boorish.
posted by mochapickle at 8:08 AM on September 24, 2014 [8 favorites]


A lot of times I get myself really stressed out about imagining what kind of drama is going to explode next at family gatherings, only to find that this time everything was fine and everyone behaved themselves and all that worrying was for nothing. There's nothing you can do about other peoples' bad behavior, especially in advance. I would just pretend everything is fine with your brother, he just couldn't make it. If they go into specifics, play dumb. "Oh what's that? Something about my mom? Hm, I don't know." Then change the subject.
posted by bleep at 8:13 AM on September 24, 2014 [1 favorite]


Some things you could say to rude people include-

why would you ask me that?
so kind of you to take an interest
what an interesting assumption

Or just complete silence, with an accompanying look of disdain. And then you show them your back. I'd leave if it got too much but I don't attend family events when known bullys are going to be there, not worth the drama. Good luck.
posted by RichardHenryYarbo at 8:13 AM on September 24, 2014 [9 favorites]


Well, how would YOU feel if someone called you up today and said, "Hey, at your dad's party, it'd be great if you didn't start trouble, okay?" Most people's reaction would be "oh, did you want some trouble? My pleasure *cracks neck, loosens up*" You have lost sight of the goal, which is to reduce drama, not guarantee it.

You don't get to control how other people act. You only get to control how you act. If people start shit with you, just shrug and look baffled, like you don't know what they're talking about or maybe that you have no idea why anybody would be bringing that mess up at your dad's party, were they born in a barn?

If you don't feed the drama, it will wither and die.

Your other option is to not go, if you can't handle the anxiety.
posted by Lyn Never at 8:14 AM on September 24, 2014 [6 favorites]


You are not responsible for other people's behavior. And this even isn't your party. It's your father's, and he doesn't sound too worried. So just relax, enjoy the party, and if people act up, ignore it. Or act up yourself if you want to. Not your job to smooth the waters.
posted by mono blanco at 8:15 AM on September 24, 2014 [3 favorites]


"I am not going to discuss that tonight." Smile and change the subject if the comment was semi-innocent. And just walk away if it wasn't. Every single time anyone says anything to you that you don't want to hear. Do not apologize, do not explain. Short, simple, and to the point.
posted by raisingsand at 8:20 AM on September 24, 2014 [3 favorites]


Yeah, just say that your brother isn't coming and if asked why, shrug. It's no one else's business. If they press, you can excuse yourself from the conversation, obviously, politely, or pointedly, your choice. Anyone aggressive to press this at a friendly gathering is just looking for drama - you are under no obligation to provide it nor protect your father, the person most likely to receive follow up questions, from it.
posted by maryr at 8:23 AM on September 24, 2014 [3 favorites]


One thing that tends to work in deflecting verbal abusers is to change the subject in a related but almost absurd way. It takes them off guard, they generally do not know how to re-act, and it moves the conversation away from the abusive point they were discussing.

They say: "You mother does xyz..."
You Say: "Yes, but she also makes a fantastic apple pie"
They: "Huh?"
You: "There is this bakery in Atlantic City that makes incredible apple pie"

Run with the apple pie discussion - or whatever. The point is, act a little off kilter, and forcibly change the subject to something different.

Most verbally abusive people will stop playing the game with you if the only response they can get is weird side conversation about something inane.
posted by Flood at 8:28 AM on September 24, 2014 [10 favorites]


How do I diffuse this drama so it doesn't blow up?

You don't. As someone else said above, you can't control other people or effectively police their behavior.

What you do is don't participate in nonsense and don't suffer abuse. My brother isn't here because he had other plans. No, I don't want to help you confirm gossip you heard. Why would you say unpleasant things about my mother to me? That doesn't seem like an appropriate topic of conversation.

Make liberal use of walking away and raising your eyebrows at people.

This horseshit only survives because people participate in it, either gleefully or by being dragooned into it. Do neither. If it happens elsewhere in the party outside your earshot... Assholes gonna asshole no matter where you go. Just do what's good for your own mental health.
posted by phearlez at 8:37 AM on September 24, 2014 [6 favorites]


How do I diffuse this drama so it doesn't blow up?

You don't. It's not your responsibility.

Be like a movie action hero that walks away from the explosion.
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 8:54 AM on September 24, 2014 [5 favorites]


My father has said several times he does not think anyone will be a problem,

It's good that you've already spoken with your father about this. The next step is to tell him that you will attend but that if any of these people do raise shit then you and your sister will leave immediately. If anything happens or is said, either directly to you or in earshot of you or even if you hear secondhand about what, say, [unruly asshole A] is saying in the kitchen, leave immediately. The next time your father plans an event, you use the incident as an example to explain why you won't be going unless [unruly asshole A] is not.

You can't control other people's actions, but you can put your father into a position where he has to make certain choices in the future, such as the choice between inviting family or assholes to parties.
posted by kisch mokusch at 8:55 AM on September 24, 2014 [8 favorites]


If someone asks casually why he isn't there, answer "he wasn't able to make it." If someone is very prying about the issue, hoping that you'll feed gossip and drama, answer, "I don't know, you'll have to ask him."
posted by deanc at 9:01 AM on September 24, 2014 [2 favorites]


If you really have to go, just tell the truth. When people complain about your mother, just say that she is a wonderful woman who is having her alimony cut off without warning. In other words, don't pull any punches. I think the reason you're having trouble with this is that you are trying to avoid telling the truth about an injustice that is happening.

I really wish you wouldn't go to this party. It sounds like your father is treating your mother terribly and his entire family (except your brother) is siding with him for some (abusive) reason.

I can't think of any reason you would go to this party -- unless he pays all of your bills and you are thousands of dollars in debt or he's donating a kidney to you next week.
posted by 3491again at 9:03 AM on September 24, 2014 [11 favorites]


You can't defuse it ahead of time, but you can in the moment. It sounds like these people are super-nosy, so subject changing might not work. Most people already know not to insult someone's mother in front of them, so I think these people either assume you don't like your mother, or think they can get away with it. You can stop that dead in it's tracks.

They are very likely, even with a warning not to, to bring up my brother's absence,

Just say he couldn't make it, and if they press, just say "I'm not discussing this with you".

or to bring up my mother in a derogatory manner.


I think you could calmly say "if you insult my mother again, we are going to have a problem". Most people will back off at that point. Nor is a neutral third party going to think you were the problem there.
posted by spaltavian at 9:05 AM on September 24, 2014 [3 favorites]


You can't control the behavior of other people, but you can sometimes control conversations. I agree with raisingsand and maryr above. If someone says something rude about your brother or mother, pointedly change the subject. If they press on they are being purposefully rude and you should simply leave the discussion (go get an hors d'oeuvre or go to the bathroom or find another person to talk to).
posted by Wretch729 at 9:08 AM on September 24, 2014


"Ahh, well. They're both adults; it's really between the two of them."
posted by DarlingBri at 9:09 AM on September 24, 2014 [3 favorites]


Also-- This can vary depending by group but I find that people love to gossip, but hate confrontation. Any of the straightforward "I don't want to discuss this" or "I will be upset if you push this" responses will almost always cause people to stop. When they don't work is when people assume you're just playing coy and try to follow up and you end up talking about it without wanting to. Do not engage once you've said you don't want to.
posted by Wretch729 at 9:10 AM on September 24, 2014 [1 favorite]


Don't do a job that's someone elses to do. Stop being the family peacemaker. It's a thankless and pointless job, and it puts you in the middle of dramas that have NOTHING to do with you.

If your Dad asks you again to intervene between him and your brother say, "That's between you and Greg. It's your relationship to manage and maintain, not mine." If he whines, say, "I mean it. Work it out among yourselves." Hang up if he won't let it go. "I'm hanging up now."

As others have said, if anyone asks about your brother, just give a non-committal response, "He couldn't make it." If anyone presses, just say, "Some work thing I think, how 'bout them Dawgs?"

If anyone slags your brother or you mother simply stare at them and say, "Gosh, that's mean. She always says nice things about you." Then walk away.

Another tack is to repeatedly say, "I don't understand," if someone says something ugly about your mother. If they don't get it, say, "I feel like you're trying to provoke me. I'd rather not thank you." Then walk away.

Personally, I'd give it a miss. These things are filled with obnoxious relatives and work people you don't know. Plus, if you think your dad is acting like an ass (which you kind of intimate here) then if he's devastated, he's devastated. That's sort of the cause and effect of his actions.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 9:13 AM on September 24, 2014 [24 favorites]


Yeah, I don't really get why your father gets to have it all. If he's caused a family rift, it's what Ruthless Bunny said. That's the cause and effect of HIS actions. You didn't cause this. He did. He needs to learn to live with his own decisions, even if it means his daughters don't attend his stupid party.

I wouldn't go, but if you really do feel compelled, definitely don't contact the assholes in advance, and definitely do the "what?" maneuver to make them repeat their jerkery multiple times until they get tired and stop. Alternate the "what" with "I'm sorry, I don't understand what you mean by that." Make it a game! A game you will WIN.
posted by bitter-girl.com at 9:24 AM on September 24, 2014 [4 favorites]


I think for people asking questions, the first response is "I don't really want to talk about it tonight." If they launch right into insults, a frosty "Why would you say that to me?" followed by a trip to the bar/restroom/parking lot is the way to go.

If you're going to feel really sensitive and uncomfortable about all this, then it's totally OK for you not to go. But if you do want to go, remember that people who shit-talk your family to your face are the ones being rude, not you. And you're adults. You can leave ANY TIME (if you can't leave, like because of transportation issues or something, try and fix that). (Also you don't have to make a big deal about leaving, you can just leave.)
posted by mskyle at 9:37 AM on September 24, 2014 [1 favorite]


The balance is between wanting to defend and wanting to deflect. In a similar situation I've said something like:

Person: Your XX is causing XX a lot of trouble eh?

Me: Well, there's two sides to every story [sympathetic look, sigh], and we're certainly not going to work it out here tonight....But tell me about your [trip to Florida/summer break/grandson's award/etc.]"

I like it because it makes it sound like their intent was to try to work through the trouble rather than feed on it, but that you just don't think it would be productive.
posted by girlpublisher at 9:58 AM on September 24, 2014 [2 favorites]


I have been in similar situations many a time with my family. I took a huge amount of responsibility on my shoulders that wasn't mine, because that felt better to me than being around people being super jerky to eachother. It wears on you. It's boundary time!

When your dad asks you to talk to your brother:
"I'm sorry dad, this is between you and brother. I wish that I could help but I don't feel comfortable being in the middle of it."
If your dad persists, just keep reiterating your feelings about what he's asking you to do. It is hard but your feelings are valid and he should respect them.
"I'm sorry dad. I just don't feel comfortable getting in the middle of it."

Many people suggest just changing the subject and/or walking away if someone starts speaking ill of your mother. I would likely do the same thing, but if it persists, you can always say, "I don't feel comfortable talking about this."
If they persist, or tease, this is a good one:
"I'm hope you can appreciate that we are talking about my mother and that's why I don't feel comfortable talking about this."

It can be tricky, but if you have a boundary and a nice phrase to repeat when people start acting out of line, it can really help you to feel more in control of what you will and won't accept, which I think is very important. You can't control what people think, and even what they do, but you CAN control what you will talk about with them and what you will take responsibility for, and it is completely reasonable for you to communicate that clearly to everybody!
posted by pazazygeek at 10:06 AM on September 24, 2014 [1 favorite]


Dad can talk to his own son himself. You and your sister shouldn't be in the middle of it. Dad probably doesn't want to hear that he was a bad parent and that his continued punishment of your mother makes his son angry and very disappointed. No need for you and your sister to soften that blow for him. Anyone else who asks can be told to ask brother about his reasons themselves.

Let Dad know that if people who are known to behave badly start up at his party, that you'll be leaving. And then, leave. I'm guessing these awful people have developed their poor opinion of your mother and brother directly from Dad's version of events. Dad owns this mess as well.

Dad doesn't get to endlessly avoid taking responsibility for acting badly at your expense. He's been making messes for a long time and now he has to live with them.
posted by quince at 10:33 AM on September 24, 2014 [3 favorites]


when a non-relative comes up to you in any situation and asks you a personal question about your family, you look them right in the eye and say (softly, the first time) "excuse me? that's none of your damn business." you're allowed to raise your voice on subsequent rude questioning. i like to let people know where i stand, none of this apple pie stuff.
posted by bruce at 10:38 AM on September 24, 2014 [2 favorites]


Also, something I've recommended for weddings before, and which can do wonders for your attitude/resiliance, is to make a bingo card. ["Relative rolls eyes" "Get asked about when I'm getting married" "Stupid remark about brother"...] Better yet, show it ahead of time to a friend or your brother or whoever would get a good laugh about it, and you can even call them when/if you get a bingo. A way to help distance yourself from the zingers ("hey, that one was even on my card! woot!") and get a private giggle as well.

Your mileage may vary. :)
posted by acm at 10:41 AM on September 24, 2014 [2 favorites]


Unfortunately, no you can't talk to the expected-to-be-assholes ahead of time: that would just give them more ammo ("ooooh, isn't Anonymous touchy about x!"), plus it would just tell them exactly where to shove their knives into you.

As for your brother, you tell nosy assholes exactly the same thing you tell your father: "you'll have to ask Brother about that." Cut that conversation off right there, no matter if it's with some jerk at the retirement party or your father himself. No discussion or explanations: just some version of "I told you, I'm not going to discuss that." Literally walk away/hang up the phone/cut them off mid-sentance if necessary.

It isn't your job to mediate between your brother and father, and it's unfair to you and your sister for your father to have even asked you to. And unless you were the host (which it sounds like you are not), it also isn't your job to ensure that your father's party goes well: this is his party and his guests, and it's his job to make sure they behave.
posted by easily confused at 11:42 AM on September 24, 2014


Went through a very similar situation recently, although the roles were reversed (father wanted to be at brother's wedding, brother said no for reasons very much like your brother's). We dreaded a similar response from family members, but it never went beyond a few neutral inquiries. Don't dwell at all on your brother's absence. It's not likely to be the scandal du jour that you imagine it will be.
posted by tully_monster at 12:00 PM on September 24, 2014


I'm sorry but this is bullshit. Your father cut off your mom's alimony because he retired and doesn't want to pay now that he's no longer bringing in an income. He's publicly (and legally) blaming her, and now he's expecting you and your sisters to make peace with people who are going to slag your mother and brother, at the party celebrating your father's early retirement/financially throwing your mom under the bus? No. Just no. If anyone starts trashing your brother or mother, get cold, say, "I'm not going to talk about that, sorry", and either aggressively change the subject or walk away. It's unfair for your father to have invited you and your sister to this celebration of fucking over your mom, period, never mind expecting you to mediate between him and your brother, or your absent family members and his asshole friends.
posted by moonlight on vermont at 3:39 PM on September 24, 2014 [3 favorites]


I think you could calmly say "if you insult my mother again, we are going to have a problem".

Pretty much this. I mean, it's fucking GLOBAL that you don't insult a person's mom, right?
posted by small_ruminant at 7:20 PM on September 24, 2014


I notice you give quite a few details about the backstory to the party's potential awkwardness. And that a lot of people consider this awkwardness easy to avoid/combat. It sounds like your mental turbulence may have been generated more by the backstory than by the prospect of dealing with ill-behaved people at the party itself.

Not that there's anything wrong with that. Just: sorting out the causes of your turbulence may make it easier to attack each of them.

(a) If you just want to avoid awkwardness: there's some pretty good advice given above.

(b) If your only goal was to demonstrate that you think your mother is right and your father is in the wrong, then you would do what you have already decided not to do: boycott the party.

(c) Or maybe the turbulence comes from wanting to do both simultaneously. In which case you can either:

(i) acknowledge both your wishes, but only act on one of them.

OR

(ii) have your cake and eat it too. In this case, the ill-behaved people are handing you a golden opportunity to say e.g.: "I can't talk about the real story, because I'm here to support my father." If they query you further: "I can't talk about that."

I'm not saying you SHOULD have your cake and eat it too. Maybe you're too graciously ethical (unlike me). But sometimes it's good to know you have a nuclear option. That way, even if you don't use it, you can feel all righteous, which calms internal turbulence beautifully.
posted by feral_goldfish at 8:12 PM on September 24, 2014


I would be very polite to start off, with anyone who asked me and then if they (unbelievably) decide to keep pressing the issue, I would cut them off, say that if it was any of their business AT ALL, they would already know the answer. Then I would walk up to your dad, point out the rude person and explain that you're now leaving the party. I can't believe you're actually going in the first place, it's above and beyond what your father deserves.
posted by Jubey at 9:34 PM on September 24, 2014


Tell your Dad to stop making you and your sister his messengers in this matter. That's terrible parenting, no matter how old you happen to be.

As for the ill-behaved people, there's not much you can do there to control the actions of others. I'd simply excuse myself from any conversation about the topic if I were you.
posted by PsuDab93 at 2:02 PM on September 29, 2014


I don't know how that party went but for future reference here is my standard line when I am asked to be responsible for someone else's behavior:
gosh, it wasn't my day to keep them so can't comment ....and then I shut up.
posted by OhSusannah at 8:54 PM on October 7, 2014


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