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Mary and Joseph, PUT that away!!!
February 13, 2009 6:08 PM   Subscribe

Should I tell my parents (especially my father) what I saw a friend messing with in our living room?

It wasn’t anything that belonged to us, of course, it belonged to him. What I saw him messing around with was pretty bad, bad enough I don’t want to name it here.

Last weekend I brought a friend home for a few minutes, because I had to use the bathroom. My parents were sleep, so they weren’t aware of anything that was going on. I told my friend to come and sit in my living room since it would be too cold to sit in my car.

So, I went into my bathroom, and then to my bedroom for…maybe…5-7 minutes total. In that amount of time, my friend for some fucked up reason thought it would be a good idea to take out something he had no business taking out. Something he should never mess with it in a public place, in a car, around children, let alone in my parents’ living room!

Well, I forgive this guy, and just chalk it up to a temporary loss in judgment. We all have those moments.

Meanwhile, my father had someone do something in his living room that he would never approve of.

I’m kind of in a dilemma here. I think my parents have the right to know what goes on in their house, but I am scared of what might happen to my friend if I do tell on him.

I don’t think my mother will do anything, she’ll be a little upset, but I think it will end there. My father, on the other hand, might do something more. I wouldn’t be surprised if he would try to press charges (though I don’t think he would be successful), threaten this guy with physical harm, actually carry it out if he happens to see the friend again, or “ban” me from seeing the friend. I could see my father spying on me to see if I am still hanging out with him or not. My dad is a drama king. What my friend did was stupid, but he is a good friend of mine and doesn’t deserve my father’s potential wrath.

How on earth should I handle this?
posted by sixcolors to Human Relations (105 answers total) 7 users marked this as a favorite
 
What the hell? Forget about it, dude.
posted by mattbucher at 6:12 PM on February 13, 2009


I think my parents have the right to know what goes on in their house

Why?

Would telling them serve any purpose beyond upsetting them?
posted by CunningLinguist at 6:14 PM on February 13, 2009


Tell your friend: "Dude. On the not cool scale of one to ten, you just scored a hundred and fifty. Love you, broham, but you will no longer be coming to my house."

Then, never invite him to your house again. If he tries to invite himself over, say no.

Then forget about it.
posted by pazazygeek at 6:15 PM on February 13, 2009 [20 favorites]


I think the answers here are going to be pretty limited without knowing what the hell this guy took out. Was it drug related, or some sex toy, or something that could indicate a need for intervention (a loaded gun? I have no idea!).

Did you surprise the guy, or was he intending for you to see what he did?

Anyways, I have no idea why you are contemplating telling your parents, even if they would be horrified about the goings-on in their living room. What possible benefit could it bring?
posted by amicamentis at 6:16 PM on February 13, 2009 [2 favorites]


So he was masturbating, or smoking pot. Mentioning either has no utility, and while one has the right to know what goes on inside of one's house, that stops at the privacy of a person.

That's not a clear line, but here, it's pretty obvious what you should do: nothing.
posted by trotter at 6:18 PM on February 13, 2009


Oh, are you referring to his penis? Still don't tell them.
posted by amicamentis at 6:18 PM on February 13, 2009 [3 favorites]


Well, I forgive this guy, and just chalk it up to a temporary loss in judgment. We all have those moments. Meanwhile, my father had someone do something in his living room that he would never approve of.

So what. Your dad is not your friend's dad and unless I'm wrong there is NO lasting impact of whatever your friend was doing. Tell your friend he was being lame, "not cool dude" Your parents don't have a right to know everything that goes on in their house, they have a right to not have their stuff messed around with. Looks like that didn't happen.

I don't remember if you live with your folks or not -- in which case it's your house too and even less okay for you to rat out your friend to your dad -- but really, this is not, I repeat not something that normal people would do or think of doing, ever.

You should find a way to put it out of your mind or work through it as your own issue between your friend and you, this has nothing to do with your dad.
posted by jessamyn at 6:20 PM on February 13, 2009 [14 favorites]


Do nothing; maybe tell your friend that was a stupid thing to do.
posted by flatluigi at 6:21 PM on February 13, 2009


Did someone poop on your floor again? Jiminy.

Obviously don't tell your parents. You want them to know you still hang out with floor-poopers?
posted by mullacc at 6:23 PM on February 13, 2009 [10 favorites]


If you tell your parents, they will...what? Call and report your friend to the cops? Get mad at you and tell you not to invite the friend over anymore?

Skip the "get mad at you" part and just never invite the guy over again, since whatever he did or had obviously makes you really uncomfortable and after the mystery flashcard and the tater thing this will make even more mefites crazy so thanks. Tell him why he doesn't ever get to come in your house again and then forget it happened. (Unless he was looking at child porn or something, but that's another askme.)
posted by rtha at 6:24 PM on February 13, 2009


Your parents don't need to know. It won't do them any good to know that something they don't approve of happened one time in the past in their home.

This obviously makes you incredibly uncomfortable, though, so you need to talk to your friend about it. Tell him that what he was doing is not acceptable to you, and you don't want him doing it in your home/your parents' home/anywhere near you.
posted by tomatofruit at 6:25 PM on February 13, 2009 [1 favorite]


What do you hope to do by telling your father? Ease some sort of personal guilt you have about what this guy did while at your parents' house? Get your father to say something to your "friend" so that you don't have to be the bad person and tell your friend he was out of line? Stir up drama?

I'm all for telling your friend that what he did was uncool. But beyond that, I can't see you accomplishing much of anything that will have a non-drama result.
posted by kellyblah at 6:27 PM on February 13, 2009


Fight your own battles.
posted by salvia at 6:28 PM on February 13, 2009


To answer some questions:

Umm...well, my father discovered some residue on the coffee table...and he's asking me a lot of questions about it.

No, this isn't the floor-pooper.
posted by sixcolors at 6:30 PM on February 13, 2009


I would still feign ignorance and deny knowing what the 'residue' is. Please don't make up some convoluted story about how you were eating a cup of yogurt (if this is the kind of residue that I imagine) and how you were distracted and some fell on the coffee table and oops!

Because that will probably make you look like you're hiding something.
posted by amicamentis at 6:34 PM on February 13, 2009


You really need new friends, sweetie. Ultimately and all.
posted by CunningLinguist at 6:34 PM on February 13, 2009 [12 favorites]


If what I think happened is what happened, I could easily see my family reacting in the same way you think yours would. I would handle it in the way that pazazygeek suggests above. You don't need to share the info with anyone, but let your friend know that it's absolutely not ok in your house ever. Period.
posted by phunniemee at 6:34 PM on February 13, 2009


Sounds like you are feeding into your dad's drama. The only good thing that comes out of telling him is you get attention. Do you want this attention more than you want your friendship?
posted by saucysault at 6:36 PM on February 13, 2009


Dude, your friend is a compulsive masturbator. Forget the house for a second, why in the hell would you want to hang out with a guy that can't stop touching his cock in public? In addition to not coming to your house, I'd imagine shared tools, video game controllers, and pizzas are out.
posted by Inspector.Gadget at 6:48 PM on February 13, 2009 [2 favorites]


Does your dad read your askme posts? If not, then the evasiveness here serves no real purpose, other than to test what people may assume about the activity and residue. If so, then he's going to know that the guy spooged on his furniture anyway.

Just say you have no clue what the 'residue' is, and stop hanging out with guys who have poor urge control.
posted by CKmtl at 6:48 PM on February 13, 2009


This post is a bit confusing: I'm alternating between thinking the guy is doing drugs, to taking out a gun, to pulling out his junk.

If it's the first two, do YOU even want to associate around him? If it's the latter, well...don't know what to tell you. In any case, what's the motive for telling your parents? Make a judgment call here insofar as your association; tell your folks only if it's something that could potentially harm your friend, and that they can help him with.
posted by thatbrunette at 6:49 PM on February 13, 2009


I don't remember if you live with your folks or not -- in which case it's your house too and even less okay for you to rat out your friend to your dad -- but really, this is not, I repeat not something that normal people would do or think of doing, ever.

Really bad advice, as it stands. Are we all 12? Parents aren't [necessarily] the enemy! Sometimes, "ratting" someone out is preferable to them doing something harmful to themselves or others.

Your parents don't have a right to know everything that goes on in their house, they have a right to not have their stuff messed around with.

Of course they do, if they decide that's what the rules of the house are! It's *THEIR* house, they get to decide what people bring into it.

Better answer: decide for yourself what you want to happen. Tell this friend that what he did is not acceptable. If it's something that you, as this guy's friend, think he shouldn't be messing with and can't handle the situation on your own, seek the counsel of a trusted friend or relative. If you think your dad would want to know what happened, tell him and tell him what you did about it.
posted by gjc at 6:49 PM on February 13, 2009


You live in a very big universe. And there are a lot of things out there that - if your father were made aware of - might make him a little bit crazy. Luckily for him, for you and for me, he'll never know about those things. And not because you wont tell him, but by the very design of this big world we live in. It's impossible for any of us to be aware of everything that might make us come down with a case of The Crazy. And I assure you, the world is a better place for that.


This sounds like a prime opportunity for you to learn the meaning of the phrase, "Let sleeping dogs lie."
posted by greekphilosophy at 6:49 PM on February 13, 2009


To me, it sounds more like the guy was cleaning out a bowl/pipe, got resin on the side, and it transferred to the table. A better way to ask the question may have been something along the lines of: "My dopey stoner friend absent-mindedly was cleaning out his bowl in my parents' living room while I was in the bathroom. Luckily, they were asleep at the time, but he managed to get gunk on the cocktail table. My father is now wondering what is on the table. What do I say here?". Less psychic AskMe for us, better answers for you.

Feign ignorance. Mention you had a friend in and maybe he had some oil or dirt or something and smudged the table.
posted by kellyblah at 6:54 PM on February 13, 2009 [1 favorite]


If it's going to be along the lines of, "Dad, while you and Mom were sleeping, Billy did a line of coke in the living room off of the coffee table", just don't.

If it's more along the lines of, "Dad, while you and Mom were sleeping, Billy did a line of coke in the living room off of Mom", then I would tell them, if only for the comedic value.

Otherwise, what just about everyone else said. It's not worth it unless you want to be exposed to extremely prying criticism.
posted by Cat Pie Hurts at 7:01 PM on February 13, 2009


If your dad a) knows or suspects correctly what the "residue" is and b) suspects that you are the culprit, you need to come clean sooner rather than later so that you don't take the fall for your idiot friend.

The phrase "let sleeping dogs lie" only applies where the dogs are actually sleeping. Your dad is asking a lot of questions. That suggests that he knows or suspects what the residue is. He could be thinking one of the following things:

1) He thinks that your friend did it, and believes that you don't know about it.
-- This is not likely. You're lying to him already and he probably has at least an inkling that you are lying about some part of your answers to his questions;

2) He thinks that your friend did it and that you're lying to cover for your friend.
-- If your dad thinks this, then you are the one who ultimately suffers, because he thinks you're associating with bad people and that you're willing to cover it up at the expense of your own honesty.

3) He does not know who did it, but cannot help but wonder if you're the one, and this will eat him up inside for a long time, at your expense.

3) He thinks that you are the one who did it.
-- This is the worst of the possibilities.

Before you followed up, I was siding with those who suggest telling your friend he is never to set foot in your house again and that you distance yourself greatly from this friend and others like him. But your follow-up suggests that nondisclosure can only lead you down a path that leads to negative consequences for you. Why would you be willing to take the fall for someone as stupid as this friend? Unless the object in question is really far more innocuous than you suggest, your buddy is stupid enough that he's eventually going down regardless. If you can let sleeping dogs lie and nobody gets hurt, that's fine. But if you are going to suffer even a little bit by protecting this idiot, cut the guy loose and save yourself. He would do far worse to you (and he has done worse to you by leaving "residue" in your parents' house).
posted by The World Famous at 7:07 PM on February 13, 2009 [2 favorites]


My dad is a drama king.

The apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

My first thought was that your friend left a California potato chip on the coffee table, but then drugs does seem more plausible.
posted by jayder at 7:13 PM on February 13, 2009 [6 favorites]


Is this the same controlling and paranoid dad from a previous post? Did you actually see your friend do something, and now you want to know if you should tell your dad, who otherwise has no idea? Or is it that your dad found something, and now you have to do damage control? Seriously, just say you have no idea what it is. And I think you should reconsider your living situation.
posted by barnone at 7:14 PM on February 13, 2009


What I saw him messing around with was pretty bad...

I'm guessing by that description it's not his penis? Sixcolors, could you at least tell us what letter it begins with? Because I'm with the others who say, it really matters.
posted by Houstonian at 7:15 PM on February 13, 2009


Way to pique our curiosity. But no, telling your parents accomplishes nothing here, unless you're the one being accused of leaving the residue...

I'm with some of the others in assuming that what he whipped out was a body part... In which case, I just want to chip in my two cents: that's a really weird thing to do in a friend's parents' living room.
posted by fogster at 7:42 PM on February 13, 2009


Also worth noting is that this is the dad that nags, complains, and criticizes ALL THE TIME...[and] blows up over the smallest things. Which explained why you sound defensive about even having brought your friend in.

I realize you think you can't move out. It sounds to me like you and they are very different people, and that your relationship with them is creating a number of different problems in your life. Now that you've graduated, can you move out?
posted by salvia at 7:43 PM on February 13, 2009


We can't give you the best answer possible without more specificity.

If your friend masturbated and left "residue," this is not illegal in most venues. If your friend left illicit drug residue, however, this could cause liability/criminal issues for your parents, and require different analysis and response.

Moral: vague AskMe scenarios yield vague (and sometimes unhelpful) AskMe answers.
posted by terranova at 7:51 PM on February 13, 2009 [5 favorites]


Somehow, I knew this was going to be a sixcolors question, just with the way you framed it and the subject material and so on.

You're not helping us with the vagueness, though. I'm guessing three things:
1. Buddy pulled out a bowl to clean, and left some chunks of resin on the table
2. Your friend crushed up some pills and left some suspicious bitter powder on the table
3. The dude yanked out his schlong, masturbated all over the coffee table, and didn't even have the decency to clean up his own splooge.

Given how this is probably the batshitinsane father we all told you to run, not walk away from about six months ago (somehow I imagine your questions being asked by Butters) I suggest that you can get rid of a whole lot of the childish stuff that's going on in your life if you move out and get your own place.
I've had friends like you with crazy overbearing controlling parents, and they were so tied into the crazy dynamic that they didn't know to walk away.
You should also probably start hanging out with a different crowd.
posted by dunkadunc at 8:05 PM on February 13, 2009 [2 favorites]


Why didn't you just post anonymously and write out what it is your friend did?

Anyway, I got the impression he jerked off on your coffee table or something. Telling your parents that happened isn't going to do anything but worsen the situation. But you need to get new friends if they go around doing anything in your parents' house that's so bad you can't even say what it is.
posted by Nattie at 8:06 PM on February 13, 2009


I’m kind of in a dilemma here. I think my parents have the right to know what goes on in their house, but I am scared of what might happen to my friend if I do tell on him.

Speaking as a former teenager and current father, as long as no one was seriously injured or there wasn't something illegal AND witnesses, then it's best if the parents don't know. EVER.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 8:09 PM on February 13, 2009 [5 favorites]


Everyone answering this question should probably consider that the asker is old enough to have graduated from university.
posted by smorange at 8:23 PM on February 13, 2009



How on earth should I handle this?


Don't rat on your friends. But next time, make sure to windex the coffee table after someone blows their load on it.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 8:36 PM on February 13, 2009


If it's resin, I actually probably would tell him. I wouldn't say which friend, and I wouldn't admit to any actual drug use in the house. Just that it was an accident, you got him out as soon as you noticed, you made sure he knew that was not appropriate in your folks' house, and you apologize.

If my parents started freaking out that I had one friend who owns one pipe, I'd remind them that I'm an adult. If they pressed me about who it was, I would not relent.

Now, this is based on MY mom, who is paranoid and overprotective and a bit suspicious. But not dangerously so. My sister and I have learned that confronting her with the plain truth and not backing down about the fact that we're adults that make our own decisions is the only way to deal with her overbearing side.

But...you know your dad. If you think him knowing the truth will drive him crazier than simply suspecting something and you playing dumb, then go with it. Especially if you think he'll do something drastic. With my mom, not knowing would cause her to dwell dwell dwell on it and never trust us again. (She'd know what the resin was right away and immediately suspect us). Knowing would result in a loooooong awkward talk, then things would go back to normal. Adjust according to your dad's own special wackiness.

Also, I'd totally ream out the friend. Dude, ask first.

(If it's anything other than marijuana--or something similarly benign like, I don't know, cigarettes--I'd stay mum).
posted by lampoil at 8:52 PM on February 13, 2009


I think the one commenter who presumes that it was cocaine is on to something (though I do love a mystery).

My answer: if your father doesn't mention it again, mellow the ___ out and forget the incident ever happened. Some things are best left unsaid. If he does ask questions, claim ignorance and the inability to control friends' behaviour (especially when you had no idea what said friend would be up to). Or, you could give your father some credit and presume that he's sharp enough to realize it was coke on the table (if it was) and is just messing with you due to the comedic value of doing so.
posted by astrochimp at 9:47 PM on February 13, 2009


You really need to tell us what the residue is!

That being said, I don't think it's cool to rat our your friends. Especially to your dad. The predictable result is that your dad won't want you to see this friend anymore. Is that what you want?

You should be mature enough to be able to talk face to face with your friend about your problems with him. There's no need to get anyone else involved.

Best solution is to move out of your parents house, run your own life, see your own friends, and stop letting your parents be your conscience and live by your own morals.
posted by Flying Squirrel at 9:56 PM on February 13, 2009


Do you tell your parents when you masturbate in their house?

No? Then don't snitch on your friend. However, your friend has a problem. You should tell him that he needs to get some help.
posted by 26.2 at 10:19 PM on February 13, 2009


This is an unanswerable question until you come clean.

Did he take out his penis? Some pot? A gun? Rock and roll music that corrupts your family's Puritanical morality?

Is residue where he jacked off on your table? Some crumbs of weed? Ammo? A forgotten MP3 player?

It's too late to make the question anonymous now and people aren't necessarily answering the question you intend to ask.
posted by TheOnlyCoolTim at 10:29 PM on February 13, 2009 [1 favorite]


Your posting history is riddled with these vague questions about your friends' behavior that you don't quite approve of but don't know how to deal with. Get some new friends, or learn to accept the behaviors of the ones you have, but for the love of Christ, don't tell your parents something they don't need to know.
posted by solipsophistocracy at 11:05 PM on February 13, 2009 [11 favorites]


THANK YOU solipsophistocracy!!!

This is a ridiculous question, and appropriately flagged.

If you can't or won't describe the activity that happened, we have no basis on which to recommend what you should do.

For all we know you live in Singapore and he chewed gum in your house.
posted by matty at 11:16 PM on February 13, 2009 [3 favorites]


For the love of Pete, unless it was a goddamn belt made out of the excised, tanned and stitched-together labia of hookers he murdered, it's not so "bad" that you can't even type it. What was it? Was he jacking off? Snorting coke off the table? Playing around with a pot pipe? The first option is sort of weird, but not that big a deal, and the other two aren't really that big a deal period, in the scheme of things. This "THAT WHICH CANNOT BE NAMED!!!!1" shit is just goofy. Were you by any chance home-schooled? Because, I hate to be the one to break this to you, people play with their genitals and use drugs all the time and the LORD doth not smite them where they doth stand.

Anyway, it doesn't matter what it is, there's really no reason to tell your parents. Unless it really was the labia belt thing, then you should probably tell the police.
posted by DecemberBoy at 12:27 AM on February 14, 2009 [8 favorites]


Questions phrased like this are why people think you're weird. Can you seriously not name the object in question?
posted by 0xFCAF at 2:44 AM on February 14, 2009 [5 favorites]


How on earth should I handle this?

Maybe see a counselor.....Why would you need to talk to your parents about this and why are you still friends with this person if what they did is so vile you cannot bear to even type it.

The more pressing issue here may be why this is such a big deal in the first place.

Speaking as someone who is now out from under domineering parents and the bad choices made to spite them, talk to a shrink.
posted by Weaslegirl at 2:47 AM on February 14, 2009


Are you trying to add to your dad's paranoia by inviting residue-bearing friends into your house?
posted by quadog at 2:56 AM on February 14, 2009


Jesus, I just read the thread quadog linked: your parents (or father at least) are fucking insane. I would recommend not only not telling them about this, but not telling them about anything ever, moving out as soon as you possibly can, and interact with them only on holidays at most. This creepy "it's so bad I can't type it" shit is evidence that they've done a number on your mind already, get out before they can fuck you up more. Seriously.
posted by DecemberBoy at 3:14 AM on February 14, 2009 [1 favorite]


Oh, and I learned from the earlier thread that you're female: in that case, if the verboten object was in fact his tallywhacker, that makes it considerably creepier (I would guess his motivation was for you to "catch" him jacking off), and I would recommend staying away from that dude as well. But still, you can type "penis". After all, it's the proper word.
posted by DecemberBoy at 3:26 AM on February 14, 2009 [2 favorites]


Ok. This friend had crushed Adderall (that wasn't prescribed to him, I asked) on the living room table. I didn't want to mention that on here earlier, because that shit is illegal. I didn't want my post to get deleted, because many posts discussing illegal activity like that gets wiped off the face of AskMe.

But, yes, I went to the bathroom and then to my bedroom to change. When I came out he was crushing the pills with my dad's antique iron. He didn't start the huffin' and puffin'....yet. He had pieces of a broken CD lying around too, I guess he was going to do it, had I not come out of the bedroom soon enough.

I knew this kid loved his blunts, but I didn't know he was into pill snorting and that he would try to do in my living room. He will not be allowed in my house or in my car again.
posted by sixcolors at 4:22 AM on February 14, 2009


For God's sake. Play dumb if your father asks again. And move out.

And seriously, you seem like a nice and well-intentioned person, but you really really need some therapy, if only to have someone sane to talk to aside from people here, since it seems like your family and your friends are all a bit off.

Take a deep breath. Do you want to be like this for the rest of your life? The drama is simply too much.
posted by miss tea at 4:31 AM on February 14, 2009


sixcolors, it's usually posts which ask how to do illegal or harmful stuff which get deleted, not posts which discuss having witnessed illegal stuff and ask what to do about it.

Forget about what your friend did. Play dumb with your dad and say you don't know what the residue is. Next time you see a friend do drugs in your parents' place, clean up properly (although given your living situation it would be preferable that there isn't a next time). Telling your parents will do absolutely nothing to make anybody feel better or behave better, so don't do it. It'll just raise your drama factor, which is something you really don't need. Life is not a soap opera.

And finally, moving out and gaining some independence and maturity will do you enormous good.
posted by andraste at 5:18 AM on February 14, 2009 [1 favorite]


Adderall?!? That's IT? Seriously? Friggin' Adderall? That's barely even a drug. That's so far from "so bad you can't name it" it's laughable.

...wow. No, you certainly shouldn't tell your parents, that would be ridiculous, and so would breaking off your friendship with this person over something so incredibly minor. And work on not being so uptight about drug use. Not everyone who chooses to alter their reality a little is a craven junkie. In fact, most people do it in one way or another. In fact, I'd recommend that you try it. It'd help to mellow you out a little.
posted by DecemberBoy at 5:25 AM on February 14, 2009 [12 favorites]


This is definitely within the range of plausible deniability. Since the friend isn't coming over again, that problem is solved. As for your parents, dude, just pretend that you have no idea what's on the coffee table.

I am totally, totally congenitally incapable of lying. Anytime I even *tried* to lie to my parents, they could see right through it and the truth would come out within a minute and a half. This made my life harder, not easier. I'm not advocating creating a vast conspiracy, just not telling your parents about EVERY little thing, especially things they really do NOT need to worry about. Were it me, I would have spilled the beans already at question number one and my parents would freak the hell out and then I'd get pissed, and my friend's parents would probably have received phone calls, and then HE'D be pissed, and y'know what? No one would be happy and it wouldn't even really matter because it wasn't going to happen again anyway.

Don't be like me, man. Sometimes things are on a need-to-know basis and your parents fall into the category of "don't need to know."
posted by grapefruitmoon at 5:46 AM on February 14, 2009 [1 favorite]


No, I don't think Adderall is that big of a deal. But it is a big deal to some cops. And it will be a big deal to my uptight father to find out someone was trying to get high in his living room. But, I am going to take peoples advice, I will just play ignorant. Hopefully, my dad will come to the conclusion that the orange powder is from a pixie stick, though no one in our household eats them.
posted by sixcolors at 5:47 AM on February 14, 2009


I can't figure out why you didn't just say to your friend "Dude, stop being such a dick in my parents house and quit doing that", and then tell him to clean his shit up off the table and throw him out.

What happened? Did you say nothing and walk out leaving the mystery orange dust laying on the table? If so, then quite honestly that makes you as dumb and as guilty as your friend of doing something your father wouldn't approve of. Maybe more so.
posted by 543DoublePlay at 6:05 AM on February 14, 2009


Okay, I'm the parent here, because something somewhat parallel happened to us. I'm addressing all speculation above, even though the OP finally fessed up that it was illegal substances.

Yes, if my kids brought friends in who messed with illegal substances in my house, I have a right to know and to ban that person, because it exposes me to possible legal consequences. If you really don't want to out your friend, it needs to be absolutely clear to him that he is never coming back to your parents' house, and why. Your call whether you tell the folks or not. Yes, your dad has a right to call his parents or the cops; that's the risk your friend is taking. (I'm not saying I'd recommend, or do, that, but actions have consequences and exposing a supposed friend, let alone his innocent parents, to an illegal act that he did not actively support is inexcusable.) If someone is caught with drugs in my house, I could possibly lose my house. My kids know that I would not presume I had any control over whether they maintained contact with them, but that it would worry me.

Ditto firearms. In fact, DOUBLE ditto firearms.

Masturbating- ew, guy needs help but not my problem. Just please clean up a little better.
posted by nax at 6:37 AM on February 14, 2009 [1 favorite]


Your choice to ban that friend from your car/house is the right one, I think, but I agree with everyone else about not telling the parents. There are going to be situations where they find things out and you can't help it... those times you should be honest and forthcoming but this little incident is best left forgotten. Why invite trouble?

I read your post about your controlling dad. I have parents who (when we lived together) tended to become extremely riled up over minor things like you mentioned. The best I could do was play by the rules for the duration of our co-habitation and I moved out right away. Once you're financially independent there is NOTHING THEY CAN DO TO CHANGE YOUR CHOICES and accepting that might actually relax them. It worked on my parents, anyway, who are now pretty cool (relatively speaking).
posted by cranberrymonger at 6:47 AM on February 14, 2009


Ask your friend not to do it around the house again and get over it.
posted by empath at 6:52 AM on February 14, 2009


I didn't want to mention that on here earlier, because that shit is illegal. I didn't want my post to get deleted, because many posts discussing illegal activity like that gets wiped off the face of AskMe.

The next time that you're concerned about a potential post being deleted on the grounds of illegal content, use the contact form and ask the mods about it before posting it. This will have a twofold benefit: you will be spared the trauma of a deleted post, and people won't have to play 'Pin The Tail On The Improper Living Room Behaviour' or 'Guess That Residue'.
posted by CKmtl at 8:43 AM on February 14, 2009 [5 favorites]


I knew this kid loved his blunts, but I didn't know he was into pill snorting and that he would try to do in my living room. He will not be allowed in my house or in my car again.

Adderall is no more illegal than blunts. In fact, for all we know, the kid has a prescription. I'm not saying snorting things is wise, or right, but I'm a little surprised by how differently you're viewing this than smoking--really, it's not all that uncommon for people who are into using one drug to be into using another. To me, this is a little bit like saying "I know this kid loves to smoke cigarettes, but I didn't know he was into beer, too!"

You did the right thing by telling him to stop, that you're uncomfortable with the behavior, and not asking him over again. But for the love of Christ, please clean up afterwards the next time that something like this happens, unless you want to risk serious legal repercussions for your friend, and to give your parents license to make your life hell. Why would you leave that shit out on the table? Did you want to get caught, despite the fact that you didn't do anything and have responded maturely and appropriately by not telling the kid to come back? You're acting like a responsible adult here--don't screw it up by playing into the hands of your irrational "drama king" father.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 9:12 AM on February 14, 2009 [1 favorite]


If I understand this correctly, you're in your mid-20s? Take your parents out of the equation. Imagine you're staying in a friend's house for a few weeks and come home late with someone else, who proceeds to snort Adderall on the table. Would you still be this concerned with someone's "right to know"? Would it be any kind of a big deal?

Now, that being said, it's a strange sort of person who's sitting somewhere for just a few minutes and gets to work straightaway cutting up Adderall.
posted by creasy boy at 9:43 AM on February 14, 2009


I'd probably worry less about your Dad and more about your friend. Of course, that would require somewhat less judgmental thinking which hasn't been modeled very well for you.
posted by snuffleupagus at 9:44 AM on February 14, 2009


i.e. for the reasons creasy just mentioned
posted by snuffleupagus at 9:45 AM on February 14, 2009


Some people are answering this question as if the OP is high-school aged. Her dad calling the friend's parents is not really going to have the same impact on a person who is an adult (unless he lives with his parents and they have a lot of control over him, too).

He used one of your family's antiques to crush his pills to snort? Wow. That just makes him a disrespectful dumbass. If he doesn't see the fact that using someone's parents' possessions to crush up drugs at someone else's house is inappropriate, he is very stupid or constantly on something. It's one thing to have those habits, it's another to do something very obviously rude to get high in your friend's parents living room. Who knows what other stupid things he might do that could cause you problems.

Are you stuck at your parents' for the long term? That sounds very much not ideal, but if you just can't figure out a way to get out, either don't hang out with people like your friend anymore, or don't bring your friends to your parents' house. And absolutely don't leave them unattended.

Don't tell your dad unless you want your home life to be worse.
posted by fructose at 9:51 AM on February 14, 2009


Wow from you description I so thought he was masturbating, even the residue thing. What I would do is thoroughly clean wherever the residue is and leave it at that. Never let this kid back in your house or car. Stupid drug users make god awful friends just in general and will do stupid things around you that could get you in trouble with the cops simply for being in the wrong place at the wrong time. Not to mention he's just an asshole for doing this in your parents home or really anyone's home without first asking. Hell I'd be angry if someone even brought drugs into my home without my permission, let alone started using them.

Don't tell your parents, there is no reason to. I actually think this is one of those things your parents have a right NOT to know. Don't give your parents something to freak out about and worry about. It's also pretty unlikely your parents will ever connect the dots, I wouldn't think drugs if I saw orange powder (white maybe but not orange) and if I couldn't connect those dots I doubt your parents will be able to. So don't worry about it, your friend did a shitty and risky thing, but you got lucky because you caught him and your parents didn't.

Also make sure he didn't steal anything....
posted by whoaali at 10:30 AM on February 14, 2009


my friend for some fucked up reason thought it would be a good idea to take out something he had no business taking out. Something he should never mess with it in a public place, in a car, around children, let alone in my parents’ living room!

I feel like you were deliberating trying to make us think you meant his penis.
posted by amro at 11:56 AM on February 14, 2009 [14 favorites]


So you know this guy likes to smoke the doobie, you're perfectly ok with that, and you're having a freak out because he crushed up some Adderall? Just tell him not to do that again in your parent's house and forget about it.

Also, it might be time to consider finding your own place so this is not an issue in the future.
posted by Justinian at 11:56 AM on February 14, 2009


Doing drugs is no excuse for rude and idiotic behavior.

First off, Adderall is definitely considered small time stuff. If you don't know otherwise, it's not unlikely he actually does have a prescription, either because he does feel he has ADD or because he went to some hack general practitioner and said the right words he got from Wikipedia and druggie forums. Whether or not it's prescribed, if he's not taking it regularly as an addict or because he depends on it to deal with diagnosed or self-diagnosed ADD, it's also likely that he's basically using it more as super-duper-strength No-Doz/Coffee/Energy Drink than as anything to really get high from, unless he's unable to hook up/afford more recreational stimulants like coke or meth. Unless you see obvious signs of addiction, which is possible with Adderall but really doesn't seem to happen that much unless, say, he picked the addiction up with meth, you probably don't have to worry that he's such a tweaker he's stealing things. He just seems like an idiot. So on the hypothetical scale of drugs to be arbitrarily shocked by and not mention by name Adderall isn't up there at all.

So here's how you do if you get hassled:

Pops: "What the hell is going on in my house? Is this drugs? I know this is drugs."

Sixcolors: "My friend was over who takes some Adderall. He says it works better when he snorts it even though they say not to do that. I told him that's some very stupid and inappropriate behavior in this house and that he will never do it again / he will never visit here again [your choice]."

Pops: "He's taking this stuff for ADD? He has a doctor's note?"

Sixcolors: "He never mentioned it and [or "Yeah he does but" if true] in general I don't think it's appropriate for us to pry into his medical conditions and records. So I don't know but either way I made it very clear with shouting and foul language that either way your living room table is not the appropriate place."

Pops: "Who is this kid?"

Sixcolors: "He's not bad or dangerous, he's just a bit of a moron. I don't want to rat him out."

In this way lies are avoided but the situation may be defused. The only case where I'd think it appropriate to lie about what it is is if you truly expect your father would be nuts enough to call the police over finding a little leftover Adderall. In all likelihood the police would laugh the whole thing off because it's about as exciting as "I was at someone's apartment and I think I saw a piece of pot stem on top in the wastepaper bin," but police and the justice system will behave very unpredictably at different times, places, types of people, etc. and there is some risk of them fucking up someone's life over this (especially if they say, use it to pay a neighborly visit to your friend, who is an idiot and consents to search, and they find his eightball and QP of weed that are sitting out on the kitchen table) or causing a shit ton of hassle.

And your friend is an idiot. Busting out drugs without asking, in a place where you don't know that's standard and acceptable, is considered highly inappropriate among any decent crowd of drug users. My friends know they may pull out a joint at my house at any appropriate moment, but they also have sense in their heads so that if for some reason we were all at my parents' house they would not bust one out without asking very clearly and discreetly first. And then I'd say no, we should instead go for a ten-fifteen minute hike into decently secluded woods and blaze there, and then that would be great. Doing drugs doesn't excuse a lack of basic social graces. If anyone I know pulled this sort of shit, I would be on them with my raised voice and abusive language, and I'm a quite stereotypically laid back stoner, so when I raise my voice in anger people notice because most of them have maybe seen me do that once before. But part of being able to be laid back is that I pick friends who don't give me too much cause to raise my voice in anger.
posted by Sockpuppet For Naughty Things at 12:11 PM on February 14, 2009 [6 favorites]


Adderall? Seriously? This is absurd. I was sure he was masturbating or had a nuclear weapon. Adderall is certainly not illegal. And despite being basically prescribable meth, it's not even Schedule I!

You need to not only forget about it, but also to re-evaluate your sense of "bad."
posted by charlesv at 1:11 PM on February 14, 2009


And despite being basically prescribable meth

Adderall is amphetamine salt, chemically related to meth but not even anywhere in the same universe in terms of potency. It's a slight step up over coffee on the stimulant scale. Like I said, barely even a drug. Tweakers will use if they're really desperate, but it's kind of like a pot smoker scraping his pipe, although not as effective.
posted by DecemberBoy at 1:22 PM on February 14, 2009


Adderall is amphetamine salt, chemically related to meth but not even anywhere in the same universe in terms of potency. It's a slight step up over coffee on the stimulant scale. Like I said, barely even a drug. Tweakers will use if they're really desperate, but it's kind of like a pot smoker scraping his pipe, although not as effective.

This is ridiculously wrong. Ridiculously, badly, dangerously wrong.

Adderall is much closer to methamphetamine in terms of power than it is to coffee. Come on. Comparing adderall to coffee? I can't emphasize enough how ridiculously wrong this is on so many levels.
posted by Justinian at 2:06 PM on February 14, 2009


[few comments removed - any further Adderal derail needs to go to email or metatalk, thanks.]
posted by jessamyn at 2:57 PM on February 14, 2009


I think you don't yet realize that you're actually seeking out the drama here. If you weren't, you would have cleaned up the 'residue', not invited the friend back, and left it at that. It seems that you left the 'residue' out where you knew it was likely to be found, and you can hardly resist an unnecessary confession to your Dad that will create even more drama.

Eventually you'll have to make a choice to move away from this pattern of craziness with your family, instead of continuing to draw yourself into it. You're an adult; despite whatever difficult circumstances there may be, you'll be able to find a way to move out and away from this if and when you decide you really want to.
posted by dixie flatline at 4:19 PM on February 14, 2009 [4 favorites]


Um... Lets imagine that this, by chance, happens again - Calmly walk over, take the iron from his hand wipe it down return it to it's exact original position. Remaining calm state "Dude, you can't do that here. This is my parents home!"
Hopefully they will say words to the effect of "Oh shit.. sorry!"
"Have you got a bag or something to put that in?" (You don't say "that's ok" or similar and accept their apology until it's been put right again.)

[You wanna project like a - Everythings ok, that just needs to go, good now we can relax. Do you want a drink or should we just go? - kinda thing.
It's important to remain calm and steady, it helps to keep the crazy from making a big fucked up scene and it's good for normal folks to keep them from getting flustered and spilling it all through your carpet.]

So right about now they will be putting it away or you think of something/find something and help them out with that.

WHILE YOU METHODICALLY AND THOROUGHLY MAKE SURE THAT ALL OF THAT SHIT IS CLEANED UP.
And then this situation will never happen again.

(And maybe your friend needs a pill crusher... they're like $2.)
posted by mu~ha~ha~ha~har at 4:42 PM on February 14, 2009


I think you don't yet realize that you're actually seeking out the drama here.

Do you really think this? I think sixcolors would have cleaned it up immediately if this were the case, and not posted an AskMe question.

Clean it up, ignore it, say it's Cheetos if there is any crumbs left, and start planning to move out.
posted by goo at 8:01 PM on February 14, 2009


Do you really think this? I think sixcolors would have cleaned it up immediately if this were the case, and not posted an AskMe question.

I can't really make sense of this, except to think that maybe you misread my comment as saying the opposite of what it actually did?
posted by dixie flatline at 9:06 PM on February 14, 2009


Sorry, dixie flatline. I meant that sixcolors would have cleaned up any residue, and this Ask question wouldn't exist, if she didn't seek drama.
posted by goo at 3:07 PM on February 17, 2009


BUSTED! A follow up! My father found out what the mysterious substance was, but I didn't tell him...

One of his co-workers told him! This is a nightmare come true! Well, not really, but I can't believe this guy blurted it out.

I took everyone's advice in my post. I denied...denied...and denied knowing anything about traces of this orange powder, known as Adderall, that was found on his coffee table and antique iron. My dad had a co-worker come over yesterday to move an old broken screen TV from the second floor to outside by the trash. He showed a little to his co-worker. For some reason, my father refused to completely clean up the substance, until he found out what it was.

My dad's co-worker looked at the powder and said, "Oh I know exactly what this is, it is Adderall!" Then my dad said "What is Adderall?" This is funny, because I took Adderall for 5 years. The co-worker said, "It is used to treat ADHD, it is a stimulant that stronger than caffiene but weaker than crack. Some people like to crush and snort it to get high!" I had to rat out my friend, because I didn't want him to think it was me!

True to his nature, he is shitting bricks about this. I can't really blame him though. People asked me why I didn't clean it up...I thought it was removed completely, it was pretty dark in the living room so I didn't see the orange streaks on the table, and I was completely unaware that the iron was used to crush it at that time.

I feel pretty secure in my job right now, I don't think I will be kicked to the curb anytime soon. I am now looking for somewhere else to live. I just hope I can find some roommates too, so I can afford this.
posted by sixcolors at 7:22 PM on February 18, 2009


One thing I don't understand about all this: Why did you leave the adderall on the table for your father to find? Simply wiping it off with a paper towel or, you know, your hand would have prevented all this.
posted by Justinian at 9:08 PM on February 18, 2009


oh, uh, you answered in your post. Bad me, no biscuit. Sorry.

Anyway, you need to move out. That's the big takeaway here. It's good you're looking for a place. Do you have some friends you can crash with in the meantime?
posted by Justinian at 9:09 PM on February 18, 2009


Given your age and the craziness of your family, I hope this is the extra shove that will push you over the doorstep and into your own place. Escaping crazy parents is hard if you're all tied up into their crazy dynamic.
Good luck!
posted by dunkadunc at 9:22 PM on February 18, 2009


I think you're completely full of shit, to be honest. How the fuck are you going to identifiy crushed adderall? This whole thread has been setting off bullshit detectors from the beginning.
posted by empath at 9:38 PM on February 18, 2009 [15 favorites]


20 mg adderall has a distinct orange color. Same thing with 10 mg, except that it is a strange blue. Crushed pills have a distinct consistancy. Anyone who has been in college within the last 10 years knows what it looks like.
posted by sixcolors at 9:44 PM on February 18, 2009


sixcolors speaks the truth.
posted by dunkadunc at 9:47 PM on February 18, 2009


I took everyone's advice in my post. I denied...denied...and denied knowing anything about traces of this orange powder, known as Adderall

No, not "everyone's advice". Sockpuppet For Naughty Things explicitly told you not to lie. Not that you could have followed it, since it seems you already chose to lie to your father about the residue before even posting this question to AskMe. So no big surprise that that was the answer you preferred. You apparently denied3 before you even posted this question. Or at least evaded questioning in such a way where you already made telling the truth even harder to do, by demonstrating to your father it was not your first choice.

Also, what amro said. You've now discovered that the AskMe hivemind gives shit advice. Let that be yet another lesson from the school of hard knocks. But if you do decide to come back, try and be a little more helpful next time.

What the substance was, and that your father had already seen the residue, and that he had already asked you questions about it, and how you had responded to those initial questions, were all essential pieces of information left out of the original post. It most likely would have changed the kinds of responses you were given.
posted by dgaicun at 10:49 PM on February 18, 2009 [3 favorites]


I call shenanigans on this thread along with empath.

1.) Adderall is the exact same shade as about a dozen other pills that I can think of.

2.) Nobody short of a junkie would grind up a pill on a friend's parent's coffee table using an antique if left alone for 4 minutes.

3.) No parent leaves residue on a table for an extended period of time just on the off chance that some random person will pull a Sherlock Holmes.


This strikes me as pure trolling of the green. I don't believe this story for a second.
posted by dejah420 at 12:09 AM on February 19, 2009 [11 favorites]


Why did you admit you lied? Could you not just pretend that you spent a few minutes longer in the bathroom and never saw him crushing the Adderall? And then, when confronted, have it slowly dawn on you that maybe your friend was cutting it on the table? You almost never have to admit to knowing anything. Look at how politicians do it.

I'm sorry this worked out bad for you. I feel like you lack the skills you're supposed to learn as a teenager -- how to get out of small, silly shit by shrugging, evasion, mumbling, professions of ignorance, and then sticking to it. I'm also sorry that you're still being treated like a teenager. Probably you should move out. But Jesus Christ, there's no reason your dad has to set the terms of the situation like this. So he thinks it's a big deal. So what? It's not a big deal. Don't treat it like one. Say to him "Jesus christ dad, give it a rest with the fucking orange powder already. I have no idea how some orange powder got on the table. What are you, Sherlock?" and then walk away. You do not need excuses. It's not a big deal, so don't deny it like it's a big deal. Just shrug and refuse to take interest. He cannot force you to assume his priorities.

I mean, what if you had spent longer in the bathroom? What if you'd missed the whole incident and the next day your dad started yelling about some orange powder? How would you have reacted then?

Anyway, I'm sorry it blew up in your face.
posted by creasy boy at 12:21 AM on February 19, 2009 [2 favorites]


dejah420:

1. Of all the various pills that could be crushed up, Adderall is the most likely- I distinctly remember a friend coming over and sneezing blue all over my parent's floor. Not cool.
2. I know (more like knew) lots of people who would grind up a pill on a friend's parent's coffee table using an antique. It doesn't sound like sixcolors hangs out with the most mature crowd.
3. sixcolors' family sounds so dysfunctional, it wouldn't surprise me if the residue didn't get cleaned because nobody got around to it or it was forgotten. it's just a bit of powder.
posted by dunkadunc at 12:25 AM on February 19, 2009


This strikes me as pure trolling of the green. I don't believe this story for a second.

Oh, it's very believable. Still, you have to look at sixcolor's entire AskMe history as an intricately orchestrated narrative. In some ways this post is just the farcical apotheosis to all her previous questions. You have to look at it like the end of Sixth Sense or Usual Suspects:

My father's paranoia and controlling behavior is driving me up the wall. What I can do to calm him down?
"He nags, complains, and criticizes ALL THE TIME. I seem to be his favorite target. He blows up over the smallest things... Ninety-five percent of our major arguments are over very minor issues..."

And

How common is it for young people to conceal (weapons and drugs) and steal?
"I know stealing and concealing drugs/weapons are kind of different subjects, but what they both have in common...if they get caught other people (innocent) can get in trouble too. Guilty by association... Within the last month, I found out some crazy things about a few of the people I hang out with... One of my friends discovered that some people sneaked pot in his car... One friend caught another friend stealing at her house... Am I just associating with a rough crowd?"

I do believe you, 6C! Time to move away from home, dear. Life's journey continues onward!
posted by dgaicun at 1:16 AM on February 19, 2009


FYI, Dad did find out (see this closed MetaTalk thread).
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 2:44 AM on February 19, 2009


or see this post above.

sixcolors, no offense, dear, but get some help.
posted by msconduct at 5:22 AM on February 19, 2009 [1 favorite]


But, yes, I went to the bathroom and then to my bedroom to change. When I came out he was crushing the pills with my dad's antique iron.
posted by sixcolors at 7:22 AM on February 14 [+] [!]

...

I thought it was removed completely, it was pretty dark in the living room so I didn't see the orange streaks on the table, and I was completely unaware that the iron was used to crush it at that time.
posted by sixcolors at 10:22 PM on February 18 [+] [!]


what.
posted by Who_Am_I at 5:27 AM on February 19, 2009 [16 favorites]


Look sixcolors, we don't know you, but if you're on the level, you should know that part of what people are reacting to here is your ridiculous over the top tone. Your original post was both coy and hysterical, if that's possible.
It's hard to avoid the sense that you were deliberately trying to make us think of his dick with all that "don't take it out in front of the children" stuff. And your ZOMG ENDOFTHEWORLD follow up is off, too.
You've asked before about why people might have odd reactions to you: maybe it's because you seem to live in a hyper freaked out world of constant drama. This is how a 15-year-old lives. But you are no longer 15. Try to get a grip.
posted by CunningLinguist at 7:03 AM on February 19, 2009 [12 favorites]


When I first read this post, I thought the friend took out the ashes from a loved one's urn and was playing with them.
posted by yeti at 7:15 AM on February 19, 2009 [2 favorites]


This strikes me as pure trolling of the green. I don't believe this story for a second.

I don't think sixcolors is intentionally provoking people, but I think she's incidentally trolling life itself. sixcolors, time and time again you're shocked at the outrageous behavior of other humans, and you react as if everyone shares your highly particular moral code. You keep posting here, expecting everyone to share in your indignation, but it ain't gonna happen.
posted by solipsophistocracy at 7:25 AM on February 19, 2009


Who_am_I...

My father has two antique irons, I guess I should've mentioned that, but I didn't think it was relavant. One sits on the right side of the fireplace, and one sits on the left. I assumed my friend used the one that was closest to the sofa he was sitting on. I admit that I was quite careless about checking the whole "scene".

CunningLinguist...

Well, that wasn't my intention. I had a bad experience in the past posting stories about me witnessing illegal activities, I really didn't want to name what was going on in my house. I thought people would guess cocaine, loading a weapon, or him viewing raunchy porn. People guessing him whipping out his dick, did come across my mind briefly, but I didn't think people would do that here...you all don't seem like the "mind in the gutter" type of crowd. I am amused though, that some people thought that. It doesn't bother me though, I don't see what the big deal is.

I do live in a drama-filled world, I don't think age has anything to do with it, unfortunately. My grandparents and their siblings are 60-80, and there's still a lot of drama going on in their lives. Some people are blessed to be born in stable families and attract stable people, others are not. I fall into the latter category. Either way, this is something people don't have a lot of control over.
posted by sixcolors at 7:31 AM on February 19, 2009


Giving her benefit of the doubt, sixcolors and her family remind me a lot of the people in my partner's family. There really are folks whose lives are a cross between Mama's Family and a soap opera. I'm not one, but I've known several, even senior citizens.

sixcolors, you're doing the right thing by looking for a new place to live. Best of luck to you.
posted by Robert Angelo at 8:05 AM on February 19, 2009 [1 favorite]


[a few comments removed - don't be jerks, you know where metatalk is, take non-answer there or just leave them alone, thanks]
posted by jessamyn at 8:12 AM on February 19, 2009


This whole thread has been setting off bullshit detectors from the beginning.

I agree
posted by ericb at 8:17 AM on February 19, 2009


Either way, this is something people don't have a lot of control over.

Not true, really. Lots of people have actively reduced the drama in their lives specifically by taking control. You're talking about moving out: good, do that. You have drama-rama friends who do stupid things that bother you: stop being friends with them. Stop excusing yourself from responsibility for the drama in your life and start taking active steps to get rid of it.

That's how it works—adults take control of and responsibility for how they live their lives and who they spend time with and how much (or, more importantly, how little) they allow others to dictate the shape of their daily emotional landscape. People have all kinds of control over precisely this sort of thing, if they take it. You need to either take that control or stop complaining about not having it.

This is getting into Metatalkish territory, but, sixcolors, I want to kind of interject from a mod perspective here and extend that basic idea to your participation on askme. You've asked a lot of questions here (which is fine) and a lot of them have gone kind of poorly (which is not great, but that happenes sometimes) but—and this is the key point—you haven't really modified your behavior here based on what would normally be the lessons learned from those times that went badly.

That's a big part of why people are speculating about you being a troll, or an intentional drama factory. It's something you really, really need to work on. That means:

- Start including key details in your questions. None of this mystery-meat, "I didn't tell you about x, y, and z because..." stuff. You have a pattern of leaving out details that by their elision and later revelation become the center of the threads. It adds noise and reduces the utility of this place, and makes a lot of people (us mods included) wonder if you're even trying to use AskMe in good faith rather than string people along.

- If you're concerned that asking a question in a straightforward manner would cause problems, don't ask it in an obfuscated manner—contact us and run it by us first to get an opinion. There is no harm in getting a second take on this stuff ahead of time; at this point, there is something like harm or poor faith from continuing to plant weird drama-bait questions like this in askme without any clear attempt to meet the community halfway based on past problematic questions.

If you can't turn this around, we're going to have to stop favoring the benefit of the doubt on future questions and just start removing them if this kind of thing recurs.

This thread has pretty much run its course as far as you getting an answer to your question; we don't need continued drama-updates, and we don't need other people prodding at the inconsistencies in your telling or your past question history or making jokes, so barring anything really substantial this should probably pretty much be it for the thread. If anybody needs to go on with some metacommentary side conversation about this, they should head to metatalk and do it there.
posted by cortex at 8:19 AM on February 19, 2009 [53 favorites]


That was the one I opened prior to my follow up in this post. It isn't a callout post like cortex and jessamyn are suggesting. They told me to post my follow up in this post, and not to create a new one.

But, if anyone wants to call me out, whatever. I'm sick of this shit. Get it out of your systems, so we can move on.
posted by sixcolors at 9:37 AM on February 19, 2009


But, if anyone wants to call me out, whatever. I'm sick of this shit. Get it out of your systems, so we can move on.

For the record, people can open a MeTa thread if they want to do any sort of callout.
posted by jessamyn at 9:46 AM on February 19, 2009


Some people are blessed to be born in stable families and attract stable people, others are not. I fall into the latter category. Either way, this is something people don't have a lot of control over.

It's not in your control regarding the family you're born into, true.

But: your own decisions and behavior are within your control. You can come from a high-drama family and be a high-drama person, AND you can choose to make a series of decisions in order to become a low-drama person. I speak from first-hand experience here. It takes time, therapy, and possibly medication, coupled with an awareness of your own free will and an unwavering commitment to getting healthy. This requires you and you alone to assume the responsibility for deciding to get help and grow up. It's a lot harder than constantly hokey-pokeying on the edge of the abyss and blaming it on the "love me, love my dysfunction" TV movie of your family of origin, but it's also infinitely more rewarding in the end.

Good luck in moving out. I hope it helps.
posted by scody at 11:26 AM on February 19, 2009 [4 favorites]


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