How to help a grieving elderly cat?
December 19, 2015 6:08 PM Subscribe
I just suddenly lost the younger of my two cats to an aggressive cancer. (The cat who just died is on the right, the survivor is on the left.) Aside from being heartbroken myself, I'm extremely worried about the other 14 year old cat. He and she were largely inseparable, and had been together 11 years. How do I help him in the short term and what would your best advice be about the long term?
I'm cancelling my cycling trip at Christmas (making him officially the most expensive cat in the world) because I don't want to leave him alone for two weeks. (I have a cat sitter who loves him and comes daily, but it won't be enough.) He's not eating much now, and wandering the house searching for his companion, and clinging to me when he's not doing that. He has no interest in cat treats. I'm not sure if it's good for me to be at home or not, because he surely picks up on my grief too. I know this period will pass, but I would appreciate any perspective on how long it will last and what the best things I can do for him are right now.
I'm also worried about what to do for him in the long run. He's a cat who needs a lot of attention, and he's also not a cat who really likes other cats. When I initially got the second cat ("for him"), it was a year of hell before he accepted her. And now he's even less flexible than he was when he was younger. He is *big* (8 kilos) and can be violent to both people and other animals. I'm also not sure he could easily establish himself as the dominant cat given his age and I know he would not tolerate being number 2. Pretty much everything about his personality makes me think he'd be best off as an only cat.
But on the other hand, he is very social, very bonded to people and needs a lot of attention. I live alone and my ex husband is in a different country, so aside from a cat sitter the only person he has is me. I work a busy full time job and frequently need to travel for work. He and the other cat interacted very frequently, and it was part of what kept him young. I think he needs a lot of interaction, and I can't provide all of it. So maybe I should get him another cat after all? I'm even considering an elder rescue dog as a possible good companion.
(I know, by the way, not to do any of this too quickly. I couldn't face it myself right now. I need my own time to grieve.)
Looking for experiences from people in similar situations, especially with a senior cat.
I'm cancelling my cycling trip at Christmas (making him officially the most expensive cat in the world) because I don't want to leave him alone for two weeks. (I have a cat sitter who loves him and comes daily, but it won't be enough.) He's not eating much now, and wandering the house searching for his companion, and clinging to me when he's not doing that. He has no interest in cat treats. I'm not sure if it's good for me to be at home or not, because he surely picks up on my grief too. I know this period will pass, but I would appreciate any perspective on how long it will last and what the best things I can do for him are right now.
I'm also worried about what to do for him in the long run. He's a cat who needs a lot of attention, and he's also not a cat who really likes other cats. When I initially got the second cat ("for him"), it was a year of hell before he accepted her. And now he's even less flexible than he was when he was younger. He is *big* (8 kilos) and can be violent to both people and other animals. I'm also not sure he could easily establish himself as the dominant cat given his age and I know he would not tolerate being number 2. Pretty much everything about his personality makes me think he'd be best off as an only cat.
But on the other hand, he is very social, very bonded to people and needs a lot of attention. I live alone and my ex husband is in a different country, so aside from a cat sitter the only person he has is me. I work a busy full time job and frequently need to travel for work. He and the other cat interacted very frequently, and it was part of what kept him young. I think he needs a lot of interaction, and I can't provide all of it. So maybe I should get him another cat after all? I'm even considering an elder rescue dog as a possible good companion.
(I know, by the way, not to do any of this too quickly. I couldn't face it myself right now. I need my own time to grieve.)
Looking for experiences from people in similar situations, especially with a senior cat.
Best answer: Twice I've seen older, established dogs in the household be shoved off by a new, younger dog. It was a horror show, it really was. I was really close with both of those pooches, and both of them fun and of good spirit and both of them were pretty much broken until the situation was resolved.
I don't know, I'm not so much a cat person as a dog person, but I'd bet that there would be some of that.
So sorry you've lost your cat -- both of those cats totally beautiful, cancer totally sucks -- sorry about the death, wishing both you and the older guy a less painful transition.
For whatever it's worth, I think it's admirable that you've taken off of your cycling trip; so many humans see their animals as things, to be tossed to the side like an old hat, rather than companions of ours as we're weaving our way through this thing.
posted by dancestoblue at 6:57 PM on December 19, 2015 [15 favorites]
I don't know, I'm not so much a cat person as a dog person, but I'd bet that there would be some of that.
So sorry you've lost your cat -- both of those cats totally beautiful, cancer totally sucks -- sorry about the death, wishing both you and the older guy a less painful transition.
For whatever it's worth, I think it's admirable that you've taken off of your cycling trip; so many humans see their animals as things, to be tossed to the side like an old hat, rather than companions of ours as we're weaving our way through this thing.
posted by dancestoblue at 6:57 PM on December 19, 2015 [15 favorites]
Best answer: I think you are right that, when you and your cat are ready, a senior dog should be an option to consider. I opted to get a dog two years ago when one of my cats passed away unexpectedly from cancer at nine years old, leaving her sister behind. They were very close and the surviving cat was stuck to me like glue as she mourned for a while. I knew she wouldn't want to compete for attention with a kitten or puppy, and I did not want a new pet that would need too much training. I adopted a two year old dog one month after my cat's passing who is plenty playful for me, but very sweet and not an alpha dog at all. I knew my stubborn cat wouldn't let the new, fairly shy dog get between us, and it was also nice for me to have the happy demeanor of a dog around to cheer me up.
When you're ready, I would work closely with your local rescue or shelter to find a good match for you and your cat. Another benefit of getting an older dog is that the shelter should have a good idea of their personality and might know if they have a history with cats.
posted by Katie8709 at 8:50 PM on December 19, 2015 [1 favorite]
When you're ready, I would work closely with your local rescue or shelter to find a good match for you and your cat. Another benefit of getting an older dog is that the shelter should have a good idea of their personality and might know if they have a history with cats.
posted by Katie8709 at 8:50 PM on December 19, 2015 [1 favorite]
I am guessing it is too late to show your cat the passed cat's body? Sometimes it is helpful for them to sniff and know what happened, rather than the other animal disappearing.
posted by Anonymous at 11:49 PM on December 19, 2015
posted by Anonymous at 11:49 PM on December 19, 2015
Best answer: Awww what lovely Maine Coons.
You did right, cancelling the cycling trip to be with him. He's definitely going to need you. Given what you say about his personality, I think you're also right that he'd be best alone. With your work schedule, I'm not sure you'd have enough time to care for a dog – it's a lot more of a time commitment than a cat. This is something I often consider too, because I love dogs, but it always boils down to not being home enough, whereas the cats are fine.
He'll recognize your grieving for what it is, Maine Coons are very quick to pick up on that sort of thing, and that's good for healing. I have a Maine Coon too (see profile pic), named Kanoko, and four years ago he lost his older pal. They had been such good buddies. Older cat had adopted him right off the bat, while Kanoko treated him like an adored big brother. When he passed, Kanoko didn't see his body, but he understood right away from me coming home with an empty carrier and bawling my eyes out. We were both inconsolable for a few days, but to the contrary of other cats mentioned here, he did not get over it. He was depressed for months. It got so bad that I talked about it at work, and a colleague offered me a kitten from a surprise litter his cat (who had been scheduled for neutering, ha) had just had. As soon as that sprightly little black kitten joined our lives (there was no acclimatization needed for either of them, she really wanted to snuggle with another cat and Kanoko was delighted to oblige), Kanoko's depression lifted, and he began loving life again. Those two are still inseparable now.
So that would be behavior to look for signalling a need for companionship. Your Coon sounds like a different personality though, so don't second guess yourself if it looks like he's doing just fine after the initial grieving period. Maine Coons are bright, expressive cats, and you sound like a wonderful human – he'll let you know.
Hugs to both you and kitty, it is so hard to lose fluffy companions, especially at the holidays.
posted by fraula at 2:47 AM on December 20, 2015 [8 favorites]
You did right, cancelling the cycling trip to be with him. He's definitely going to need you. Given what you say about his personality, I think you're also right that he'd be best alone. With your work schedule, I'm not sure you'd have enough time to care for a dog – it's a lot more of a time commitment than a cat. This is something I often consider too, because I love dogs, but it always boils down to not being home enough, whereas the cats are fine.
He'll recognize your grieving for what it is, Maine Coons are very quick to pick up on that sort of thing, and that's good for healing. I have a Maine Coon too (see profile pic), named Kanoko, and four years ago he lost his older pal. They had been such good buddies. Older cat had adopted him right off the bat, while Kanoko treated him like an adored big brother. When he passed, Kanoko didn't see his body, but he understood right away from me coming home with an empty carrier and bawling my eyes out. We were both inconsolable for a few days, but to the contrary of other cats mentioned here, he did not get over it. He was depressed for months. It got so bad that I talked about it at work, and a colleague offered me a kitten from a surprise litter his cat (who had been scheduled for neutering, ha) had just had. As soon as that sprightly little black kitten joined our lives (there was no acclimatization needed for either of them, she really wanted to snuggle with another cat and Kanoko was delighted to oblige), Kanoko's depression lifted, and he began loving life again. Those two are still inseparable now.
So that would be behavior to look for signalling a need for companionship. Your Coon sounds like a different personality though, so don't second guess yourself if it looks like he's doing just fine after the initial grieving period. Maine Coons are bright, expressive cats, and you sound like a wonderful human – he'll let you know.
Hugs to both you and kitty, it is so hard to lose fluffy companions, especially at the holidays.
posted by fraula at 2:47 AM on December 20, 2015 [8 favorites]
Best answer: I'm so sorry for your loss. It's never easy, is it. A few years ago I lost Bailey, who was mother of Lucy, my surviving cat. They'd never been apart, and Lucy used to look to Bailey, not me, for affection and attention. It was a massive upheaval for her to be alone and she definitely seemed to grieve (or at least seem lonely and unhappy) for a few months. Introducing another pet wasn't a good idea, as she doesn't get on with other cats and is terrified of dogs.
It's taken a while, but Lucy has now bonded with me, to the extent that this is how I'm having to type this reply. I had to let this happen on her terms, along with a treat-based bedtime ritual followed by a cuddle. I thought, mistakenly, that she'd need a lot of interaction and that while I was at work she'd be lonely. But she's a cat - she sleeps for most of the day, as yours probably does too. So the amount of attention she needs probably isn't as great as you might think.
So I would say give her a while to come to terms with being a solo cat. She may well not want to share her home with another pet, particularly at her stage in life.
posted by essexjan at 2:49 AM on December 20, 2015 [6 favorites]
It's taken a while, but Lucy has now bonded with me, to the extent that this is how I'm having to type this reply. I had to let this happen on her terms, along with a treat-based bedtime ritual followed by a cuddle. I thought, mistakenly, that she'd need a lot of interaction and that while I was at work she'd be lonely. But she's a cat - she sleeps for most of the day, as yours probably does too. So the amount of attention she needs probably isn't as great as you might think.
So I would say give her a while to come to terms with being a solo cat. She may well not want to share her home with another pet, particularly at her stage in life.
posted by essexjan at 2:49 AM on December 20, 2015 [6 favorites]
Best answer: Lots of excellent advice here. I'll throw in my two cents, from the perspective of a two adult humans, 5 cat household.
Give yourself and your gorgeous cat some time before you decide what to do. Pay attention to kitty's demeanor, eating and just general condition. It may play out that he will become contentedly bonded with you, like essexjan's cat. I would suggest if that seems like the direction the healing takes, that you make sure kitty has LOTS of time and interaction on a regular basis with your vacation sitter, so there's an easy(er) transition whenever you go on vacation or have to be gone.
If you choose the companion route, i would strongly suggest getting 2 new cats, especially if you are looking at kittens. We aquired a 6 week old orphaned boy cat 7 years ago. Our 5 adult cats, ranging from 6 to 19 years in age, were horrified! Little Timmy missed his mom, and tried his best to cuddle and (horrors!!) nurse from any and all these cats! We had lots going on and it looked like a long difficult time, until we unexpectedly found ourselves with another tiny kitten, just three weeks later! Timmy and Stella bonded instantly, wrestled, groomed and kept each other occupied. And the older cats, with the little ones distracting each other, all adjusted nicely, and in a few cases, took over nurturing of the kittens.
What I am getting to is if your cat seems to need more company than you can provide, just having other cats in the household can do the trick. They don't have to be best friends. In our experience, there is frequently a calming, comforting aspect to cats living together.
Good luck, and my sincere sympathy to you both. We had our 23 year old patriarch put down this summer. I feel your pain.
posted by LaBellaStella at 4:35 AM on December 20, 2015 [4 favorites]
Give yourself and your gorgeous cat some time before you decide what to do. Pay attention to kitty's demeanor, eating and just general condition. It may play out that he will become contentedly bonded with you, like essexjan's cat. I would suggest if that seems like the direction the healing takes, that you make sure kitty has LOTS of time and interaction on a regular basis with your vacation sitter, so there's an easy(er) transition whenever you go on vacation or have to be gone.
If you choose the companion route, i would strongly suggest getting 2 new cats, especially if you are looking at kittens. We aquired a 6 week old orphaned boy cat 7 years ago. Our 5 adult cats, ranging from 6 to 19 years in age, were horrified! Little Timmy missed his mom, and tried his best to cuddle and (horrors!!) nurse from any and all these cats! We had lots going on and it looked like a long difficult time, until we unexpectedly found ourselves with another tiny kitten, just three weeks later! Timmy and Stella bonded instantly, wrestled, groomed and kept each other occupied. And the older cats, with the little ones distracting each other, all adjusted nicely, and in a few cases, took over nurturing of the kittens.
What I am getting to is if your cat seems to need more company than you can provide, just having other cats in the household can do the trick. They don't have to be best friends. In our experience, there is frequently a calming, comforting aspect to cats living together.
Good luck, and my sincere sympathy to you both. We had our 23 year old patriarch put down this summer. I feel your pain.
posted by LaBellaStella at 4:35 AM on December 20, 2015 [4 favorites]
I'm so sorry Frumiousb. What beautiful kitties. I would see how your cat does as a sole cat. I don't think you need to cancel your trip as your cat sitter sounds great but if you would be worried throughout then I understand. Best wishes.
posted by biggreenplant at 6:43 AM on December 20, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by biggreenplant at 6:43 AM on December 20, 2015 [1 favorite]
I am definitely not one of those "cats are just unfeeling, eating machines" people and I honestly don't know how smart cats are. (Sometimes they seem very smart, other times they can be amazingly dopey.) But moving forward I'd say try to resist the impulse to project on the surviving cat, for his sake and yours. I'm not denying that your cat will be sad and lonesome, but he can't speak our language and to some extent we can only guess what cats are feeling. In a situation like this it would be very easy to look at a cat being solitary or quiet and figure he was grieving, but... who knows, really? I think it's great that you're trying to care for him like this, but if you assume he's sad all the time that will make you sad all the time, which could make him feel worse. So I'd say try doing things he enjoys, little games and toys and stuff, and do what you can to make things fun for him.
Older male cats can sometimes do very well with kittens. They reach a certain point in life, and I think they enjoy being the uncle cat. You might try a kitten on a very provisional basis, ready to send it back where it came from if the adult cat is clearly not interested in being pals.
posted by Ursula Hitler at 3:03 PM on December 20, 2015
Older male cats can sometimes do very well with kittens. They reach a certain point in life, and I think they enjoy being the uncle cat. You might try a kitten on a very provisional basis, ready to send it back where it came from if the adult cat is clearly not interested in being pals.
posted by Ursula Hitler at 3:03 PM on December 20, 2015
Response by poster: Thanks, everyone.
Katie8709, how did your cat do with the dog? Did they become friends? I would need to make some lifestyle changes for a dog, but Hong Kong is sadly full of abandoned senior dogs who need rehoming. The two kittens are also a good idea-- but Hong Kong apartments are tiny. I will definitely monitor first and see how he does on his own.
Finally, I'm not sure I can prove that he's grieving in the sense that people understand, but he's definitely not okay. He's spending most of his time hiding under the bed or trying to get into the hallway, and last night kept walking from room to room chirping and crying. I'm sure that part of it is that he picks up on my grief, but at the very least he recognizes that something which mattered to him is gone.
Someone memailed me some good advice about putting the favourite bedding from the deceased cat in a different location out where he can find it (I had already packed it away), and that was a good idea. He's been sitting on it since I did so. The logic is that it helps him to smell her smells and to sense them fading. I want to share that idea here too if anyone is reading this for their own purposes later.
Regarding the bike trip, cancelling that was a no brainer. He needs more than the hour a day my cat sitter can provide. If I had someone to stay in the house, it might be a different matter. But I don't have that. I think I'll need to find someone who can do that when I travel next time (end of January). I'm lucky that I can afford to shrug it off (Burma will still be there later) and frankly lucky that I had the time off already reserved and meeting-free so I can spend more time at home. (I don't spoil my animals, but I look at them as a responsibility.)
posted by frumiousb at 4:49 PM on December 20, 2015 [3 favorites]
Katie8709, how did your cat do with the dog? Did they become friends? I would need to make some lifestyle changes for a dog, but Hong Kong is sadly full of abandoned senior dogs who need rehoming. The two kittens are also a good idea-- but Hong Kong apartments are tiny. I will definitely monitor first and see how he does on his own.
Finally, I'm not sure I can prove that he's grieving in the sense that people understand, but he's definitely not okay. He's spending most of his time hiding under the bed or trying to get into the hallway, and last night kept walking from room to room chirping and crying. I'm sure that part of it is that he picks up on my grief, but at the very least he recognizes that something which mattered to him is gone.
Someone memailed me some good advice about putting the favourite bedding from the deceased cat in a different location out where he can find it (I had already packed it away), and that was a good idea. He's been sitting on it since I did so. The logic is that it helps him to smell her smells and to sense them fading. I want to share that idea here too if anyone is reading this for their own purposes later.
Regarding the bike trip, cancelling that was a no brainer. He needs more than the hour a day my cat sitter can provide. If I had someone to stay in the house, it might be a different matter. But I don't have that. I think I'll need to find someone who can do that when I travel next time (end of January). I'm lucky that I can afford to shrug it off (Burma will still be there later) and frankly lucky that I had the time off already reserved and meeting-free so I can spend more time at home. (I don't spoil my animals, but I look at them as a responsibility.)
posted by frumiousb at 4:49 PM on December 20, 2015 [3 favorites]
I'm sorry, I didn't mean to suggest he's NOT grieving. I was kind of fumbling to say that we can't know exactly what's going on in his mind, but tbh I'd probably see his behavior in just the same way.
posted by Ursula Hitler at 10:48 PM on December 20, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by Ursula Hitler at 10:48 PM on December 20, 2015 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
My instinct would be not to get another cat as a companion for a cat of that age, at least not without seeing how he adjusts to being a singleton. Could you afford to bring in your cat sitter more often to play with him?
posted by thomas j wise at 6:28 PM on December 19, 2015 [1 favorite]