I've failed as an adult.
December 16, 2015 6:56 PM Subscribe
Now I want to change. Help me stay on this path.
I've written out a list of things I'd like to accomplish. That I have to accomplish. The list includes moving out of my parent's (I've never moved out), lose weight (30lbs), find friends with similar interests (my old ones moved across the country) and continue pursuing art. The list also includes finding a full time job. I've had one before but I left it to work for another company in hopes of landing one. But it does not seem attainable and I've become disenchanted with the company. I have no college education and I have no idea what to pursue for a career.
I'm in a wonderful relationship with a caring and understanding person. and I get depressed about my life. I feel like this wonderful person deserves someone better. And within these moments of doubt, I always pick myself up. I can be a very positive person but there are pitfalls everywhere.
The list is incredibly overwhelming. I feel like a failure. I've gained weight I've lost in the past. At 29, I feel my peers have already accomplished these simple things. I feel left behind. Sort of like in school - when you feel everyone in class understands how to complete a problem, but you're left confused. All you feel is confusion and you begin to feel worthless. Less than your peers. No hope. No help from anyone. You try to state at this problem hoping the answer comes to you, but it never does. You just feel embarrassed and ashamed. It's this particular train of thought that forces me to sabotage myself. To give in to hurtful and bad habits.
I want to change. But I feel like I'm easily distracted. I exercise and I feel fantastic and hopeful. I draw and create, and I see a lot of beauty in everything. Then the next day, I do one thing wrong - or one people criticizes something small - and I binge out on bad food, or lay in bed all morning. I become superficial and base my worth and everybody's on how good a job they have, how attractive they/or their partner is, if they live in a nice neighborhood. And then I see that the list seems undoable. I feel it's so much easier to just ignore it. It's a cycle.
What do people do to stay on the positive of things? To learn how to stay away from people/things that'll sabotage their progress? How do you learn to tell yourself that you're capable of so much - when people subtly and not subtly tear you down? It makes me cry sometimes to think that I'm a person who can't save himself.
I've accomplished great things and I want to accomplish more. Thank you.
I've written out a list of things I'd like to accomplish. That I have to accomplish. The list includes moving out of my parent's (I've never moved out), lose weight (30lbs), find friends with similar interests (my old ones moved across the country) and continue pursuing art. The list also includes finding a full time job. I've had one before but I left it to work for another company in hopes of landing one. But it does not seem attainable and I've become disenchanted with the company. I have no college education and I have no idea what to pursue for a career.
I'm in a wonderful relationship with a caring and understanding person. and I get depressed about my life. I feel like this wonderful person deserves someone better. And within these moments of doubt, I always pick myself up. I can be a very positive person but there are pitfalls everywhere.
The list is incredibly overwhelming. I feel like a failure. I've gained weight I've lost in the past. At 29, I feel my peers have already accomplished these simple things. I feel left behind. Sort of like in school - when you feel everyone in class understands how to complete a problem, but you're left confused. All you feel is confusion and you begin to feel worthless. Less than your peers. No hope. No help from anyone. You try to state at this problem hoping the answer comes to you, but it never does. You just feel embarrassed and ashamed. It's this particular train of thought that forces me to sabotage myself. To give in to hurtful and bad habits.
I want to change. But I feel like I'm easily distracted. I exercise and I feel fantastic and hopeful. I draw and create, and I see a lot of beauty in everything. Then the next day, I do one thing wrong - or one people criticizes something small - and I binge out on bad food, or lay in bed all morning. I become superficial and base my worth and everybody's on how good a job they have, how attractive they/or their partner is, if they live in a nice neighborhood. And then I see that the list seems undoable. I feel it's so much easier to just ignore it. It's a cycle.
What do people do to stay on the positive of things? To learn how to stay away from people/things that'll sabotage their progress? How do you learn to tell yourself that you're capable of so much - when people subtly and not subtly tear you down? It makes me cry sometimes to think that I'm a person who can't save himself.
I've accomplished great things and I want to accomplish more. Thank you.
I tell myself that the perfect is the enemy of the good. Trying to attain perfection is paralyzing, because my best will never be enough (and sometimes I don't have my best to contribute anyway--that's called being normal). To break out of that paralysis I have to continually tell myself that one small thing improved is better than no things improved, and that one small slip-up or mistake or just plain old hard-earned self-indulgence does not mean failure. There is no Cosmic Scorecard, just every moment and every day and you do what you can with what you've got. The next moment or the next day is plenty good for starting again. No fanfare or vows or resolutions, just giving it a whirl and accepting what happens.
posted by soren_lorensen at 7:26 PM on December 16, 2015 [11 favorites]
posted by soren_lorensen at 7:26 PM on December 16, 2015 [11 favorites]
Everyone always has a list. Everyone always has their own obstacles and their own story. Everyone has ups and downs.
Therapy might help you recognize that point where you start to spiral downwards and find some strategies that will help you avoid falling in that hole. It sounds like criticism is particularly difficult for you, as it is for many others, so even if you don't seek out therapy you might look into strategies for coping with criticism.
Good luck!
posted by bunderful at 7:34 PM on December 16, 2015 [2 favorites]
Therapy might help you recognize that point where you start to spiral downwards and find some strategies that will help you avoid falling in that hole. It sounds like criticism is particularly difficult for you, as it is for many others, so even if you don't seek out therapy you might look into strategies for coping with criticism.
Good luck!
posted by bunderful at 7:34 PM on December 16, 2015 [2 favorites]
Move out of your parent's house. As soon as possible. Before you do anything else. Once you have your own place, where you can come and go as you please and you do not have to tolerate anyone's put-downs, you will find that most of the other things become much easier and more rewarding to achieve.
I think you are in a place of confusion trying to be someone you may not be because you don't really know who you, the adult you, is. So you need to find out who that adult you is, and you do that by acting as an adult. i.e. - living away from your parents.
PS: Action comes before motivation.
posted by Thella at 7:57 PM on December 16, 2015 [6 favorites]
I think you are in a place of confusion trying to be someone you may not be because you don't really know who you, the adult you, is. So you need to find out who that adult you is, and you do that by acting as an adult. i.e. - living away from your parents.
PS: Action comes before motivation.
posted by Thella at 7:57 PM on December 16, 2015 [6 favorites]
Oh, and if you read my above comment and come up with a range of excuses as to why you can't move out of your parents' house? Those excuses are holding you back. They are not letting you be an adult. Dump them and do it anyway.
posted by Thella at 7:58 PM on December 16, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by Thella at 7:58 PM on December 16, 2015 [3 favorites]
I'm 29 as well, and have noticed that it is really easy to feel insecure at this age. I'm no where near how stable I thought I would be by now in a career (I'm working just part-time now too), in relationships, financially, etc. Yet this is a time where a lot of people are meeting milestones, getting promotions, or having kids. It is easy to feel left behind, but it is so important to learn to not compare yourself to others. It's easier said than done, but worth the effort it takes to gain a better perspective. We still have plenty of time to get ourselves where we need to be in order to be happy. I would try changing your list to include specific steps of your overall goals. Maybe for now it's just trying to set aside money for a deposit and first months rent for a place of your own, losing 5 lbs, enrolling in an art class, etc. Those are easier to check off a list, and doing that can help you feel accomplished and confident.
posted by Katie8709 at 8:49 PM on December 16, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by Katie8709 at 8:49 PM on December 16, 2015 [2 favorites]
I feel like I give this advice all the time here, but imagine that you had a friend whose situation was remarkably like yours: in a great relationship with a great person (so obviously is a pretty cool person to be loved by a cool person), hasn't had the benefit of college but is eager to learn and aspires to do more, is saddled with depression, and is currently living at home. Would that person seem like a failure to you? Or would your friend seem to lack the support and guidance that people who do move more quickly along the preferred path tend to have? Would you shun your friend, or would you offer to brainstorm ideas for moving your friend forward, and maybe push them to do something outside of their comfort zone?
Next, why SHOULD the "answer" come to you, magically? Are you under the impression that there's a guidebook we all get and you've lost yours? There isn't. Some of us have careers; some of us just have jobs (or perhaps don't). Some of us did great in college, some did poorly, and some were never able (or haven't yet been able) to attend. Some of us have crippling debt, and others have no credit history, and most of us are somewhere in the middle. And some people would look at you, in a relationship, and think what does a job or college matter? Someone loves you! We all must define success at adulthood different, but success and perfection are miles apart.
Next, the person who loves you deserves to be loved. Do you love that person? Then you're the kind of person your person deserves. Full stop. We can judge ourselves, be we don't get to decide we're not good enough for someone else. (We can only decide we're too good to stay with people who are not good to, or for, us.)
Thella is absolutely right -- action precedes motivation. Start by getting lessons to figure out what you don't know, so you can figure out how to know it. Go to your public library and get a book or three on adult living skills, like Adulting: How to Become a Grown-up in 468 Easy(ish) Steps or Flying Solo: A Guide to Organizing Your Home When You Leave Your Parents' Nest (by one of my colleagues). There will be some things that will surprise you, and other things that we'll make you say, "Hey, I already knew that. This isn't so hard." learn about budgeting, about identifying the kinds of jobs you might like to do, about how to apply to rent an apartment, how to buy healthy foods so that there are (mostly) only healthy foods in the house to eat. Take one step at a time.
Every day, at the end of the day, write down one (then, two, then a whole list) of things that you did, that you learned, and that brought you closer to your goals. When you have a really down day, go back and read through past days' lists.
Finally, be aware that the only way to fail in life is to be intentionally unkind -- to others and to yourself. You probably will never feel like a grownup. At 79 1/2, my mom had to learn how to pay household bills, and how to balance a checkbook, how to pick a cell phone plan and how to choose a roof repair guy. She says that each new thing, she feels like she's not a grownup enough to know how to do ALL THE THINGS, but she figures it out. My mother is almost 80, hysterically funny, and while many things in her life have disappointed her, she acts as though every single morning is a brand-new start. Because it is. Embrace the idea that each new thing can be a good, new thing!
posted by The Wrong Kind of Cheese at 10:57 PM on December 16, 2015 [18 favorites]
Next, why SHOULD the "answer" come to you, magically? Are you under the impression that there's a guidebook we all get and you've lost yours? There isn't. Some of us have careers; some of us just have jobs (or perhaps don't). Some of us did great in college, some did poorly, and some were never able (or haven't yet been able) to attend. Some of us have crippling debt, and others have no credit history, and most of us are somewhere in the middle. And some people would look at you, in a relationship, and think what does a job or college matter? Someone loves you! We all must define success at adulthood different, but success and perfection are miles apart.
Next, the person who loves you deserves to be loved. Do you love that person? Then you're the kind of person your person deserves. Full stop. We can judge ourselves, be we don't get to decide we're not good enough for someone else. (We can only decide we're too good to stay with people who are not good to, or for, us.)
Thella is absolutely right -- action precedes motivation. Start by getting lessons to figure out what you don't know, so you can figure out how to know it. Go to your public library and get a book or three on adult living skills, like Adulting: How to Become a Grown-up in 468 Easy(ish) Steps or Flying Solo: A Guide to Organizing Your Home When You Leave Your Parents' Nest (by one of my colleagues). There will be some things that will surprise you, and other things that we'll make you say, "Hey, I already knew that. This isn't so hard." learn about budgeting, about identifying the kinds of jobs you might like to do, about how to apply to rent an apartment, how to buy healthy foods so that there are (mostly) only healthy foods in the house to eat. Take one step at a time.
Every day, at the end of the day, write down one (then, two, then a whole list) of things that you did, that you learned, and that brought you closer to your goals. When you have a really down day, go back and read through past days' lists.
Finally, be aware that the only way to fail in life is to be intentionally unkind -- to others and to yourself. You probably will never feel like a grownup. At 79 1/2, my mom had to learn how to pay household bills, and how to balance a checkbook, how to pick a cell phone plan and how to choose a roof repair guy. She says that each new thing, she feels like she's not a grownup enough to know how to do ALL THE THINGS, but she figures it out. My mother is almost 80, hysterically funny, and while many things in her life have disappointed her, she acts as though every single morning is a brand-new start. Because it is. Embrace the idea that each new thing can be a good, new thing!
posted by The Wrong Kind of Cheese at 10:57 PM on December 16, 2015 [18 favorites]
If you suddenly achieved everything you wanted, what would you do then? Wouldn't life be pretty boring if you had nothing left to strive for? I think it's a good thing that you and I and everyone else still have things we'd like to improve about ourselves!
Career, health, family, friends, relationships, appearance, finance, housing, interests and hobbies, and on and on and on... it's a lot to juggle. Different people are successful in different areas and still struggling in others. (And just to complicate matters, everyone gets to choose for themselves what constitutes "success" in each area.) At 44, I've been reasonably successful in some of these areas. I'm still struggling with others. You might be tempted to look at me, and see one area I've done pretty well for myself, and say, "Oh, DevilsAdvocate is doing so much better than I am." But I read your post and see that you're doing well in areas I'm still working on. (You're in a wonderful relationship with a loving and caring person!) And then there are things that you and I both struggle with.
Except for maybe our very closest friends and immediate family, we rarely see all aspects of a person. The person with the attractive spouse and the 2.5 kids? They still have parts of themselves they're trying to improve (and that, too, is a good thing!) But most people put their successful sides forward, especially to strangers or casual acquaintances or on Facebook, and are more reticent to share the areas they still struggle with. So don't beat yourself up comparing yourself to someone who has done better than you in one area — you likely don't know the whole person, and don't see where they're still trying to improve themselves, the areas where you've done well and they're still working on.
Don't beat yourself up when you do one thing wrong on a given day. We all do. Take it, learn from it, but don't dwell on it. Get back up, and do it again, better next time. Or decide that hey, maybe that thing isn't for me. Either way, that's part of what you have to strive for. (From Batman Begins: "Why do we fall? So that we can learn to pick ourselves up." OK, that's less inspirational when the thing I'm falling at is "exercising 3 times a week" and not "saving Gotham," but it still applies.)
You're 29, and you're still trying to become a better person. Hooray! Good for you!
I'm 44, and I'm still trying to become a better person. Hooray! Good for me!
TWKoC's mom is 79½, and she's still trying to become a better person. Hooray! Good for her!
Isn't that what life is all about? Wouldn't life be boring if we didn't have anything left to strive for?
posted by DevilsAdvocate at 5:24 AM on December 17, 2015 [5 favorites]
Career, health, family, friends, relationships, appearance, finance, housing, interests and hobbies, and on and on and on... it's a lot to juggle. Different people are successful in different areas and still struggling in others. (And just to complicate matters, everyone gets to choose for themselves what constitutes "success" in each area.) At 44, I've been reasonably successful in some of these areas. I'm still struggling with others. You might be tempted to look at me, and see one area I've done pretty well for myself, and say, "Oh, DevilsAdvocate is doing so much better than I am." But I read your post and see that you're doing well in areas I'm still working on. (You're in a wonderful relationship with a loving and caring person!) And then there are things that you and I both struggle with.
Except for maybe our very closest friends and immediate family, we rarely see all aspects of a person. The person with the attractive spouse and the 2.5 kids? They still have parts of themselves they're trying to improve (and that, too, is a good thing!) But most people put their successful sides forward, especially to strangers or casual acquaintances or on Facebook, and are more reticent to share the areas they still struggle with. So don't beat yourself up comparing yourself to someone who has done better than you in one area — you likely don't know the whole person, and don't see where they're still trying to improve themselves, the areas where you've done well and they're still working on.
Don't beat yourself up when you do one thing wrong on a given day. We all do. Take it, learn from it, but don't dwell on it. Get back up, and do it again, better next time. Or decide that hey, maybe that thing isn't for me. Either way, that's part of what you have to strive for. (From Batman Begins: "Why do we fall? So that we can learn to pick ourselves up." OK, that's less inspirational when the thing I'm falling at is "exercising 3 times a week" and not "saving Gotham," but it still applies.)
You're 29, and you're still trying to become a better person. Hooray! Good for you!
I'm 44, and I'm still trying to become a better person. Hooray! Good for me!
TWKoC's mom is 79½, and she's still trying to become a better person. Hooray! Good for her!
Isn't that what life is all about? Wouldn't life be boring if we didn't have anything left to strive for?
posted by DevilsAdvocate at 5:24 AM on December 17, 2015 [5 favorites]
To "The Wrong Kind of Cheese", your post just made my heart explode. Thank you.
posted by jtexman1 at 8:03 AM on December 17, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by jtexman1 at 8:03 AM on December 17, 2015 [1 favorite]
You know what? Having a list of things you want to accomplish, and working towards that *even some of the time* is an accomplishment. So don't beat yourself up. You at least have a clear idea of what you'd like to change. It sounds to me like what you really need is a mentor, and some coping skills. Both are easily obtainable for free and/or cheap! Not having these things does not make you a bad person, or a failure. Everyone needs these, and some of us need to find them outside our family/school experience. Which is totally fine and normal.
But as a priority, have you been tested for depression, ADD, and/or ADHD? Those things can really put blocks in front of you that are hard to see past. Improving your mental state will undoubtedly smooth out some of the issues you mention.
So. To get some coping skills under your belt, see if there is a CBT clinic near you. Some of these are low-cost and affiliated with university programs for doctoral students of psychology and very affordable. CBT can help you move past those set-backs and put-downs so that they don't get on top of you quite so much. If nothing else, please check out Three Minute Therapy, a starter guide to CBT with exercises you can work on.
To find a mentor, check out Micromentor. It's a free service that matches you to pro-bono mentors in your chosen area of expertise. Contact a few people about picking a career path, or just pick someone who seems interesting and schedule some conversations. I've found a lot of great mentors through the site who have really helped me.
Best of luck. You can do this :)
posted by ananci at 11:40 AM on December 17, 2015 [1 favorite]
But as a priority, have you been tested for depression, ADD, and/or ADHD? Those things can really put blocks in front of you that are hard to see past. Improving your mental state will undoubtedly smooth out some of the issues you mention.
So. To get some coping skills under your belt, see if there is a CBT clinic near you. Some of these are low-cost and affiliated with university programs for doctoral students of psychology and very affordable. CBT can help you move past those set-backs and put-downs so that they don't get on top of you quite so much. If nothing else, please check out Three Minute Therapy, a starter guide to CBT with exercises you can work on.
To find a mentor, check out Micromentor. It's a free service that matches you to pro-bono mentors in your chosen area of expertise. Contact a few people about picking a career path, or just pick someone who seems interesting and schedule some conversations. I've found a lot of great mentors through the site who have really helped me.
Best of luck. You can do this :)
posted by ananci at 11:40 AM on December 17, 2015 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by Kalmya at 7:20 PM on December 16, 2015 [2 favorites]