Do I need to debrief this brief relationship?
November 24, 2015 5:08 PM Subscribe
Long story short, a guy I met online sent me a text saying that he was in love with me, after our first date. I talked to him about it and he seemed to understand that it was too much too soon and it made me uncomfortable. It kept happening (he was texting, emailing, calling, talking about how much he missed me and about "us"), all within a month. During that time, he gave me a beautiful piece of art. About a week later, I broke it off. Now he's calling me asking for the piece of art back and asking what went wrong.
I blocked him on Facebook and also blocked his texts on my phone. However, I discovered a message from a couple of days in the blocked voicemail folder. It was a long message, he said essentially that our time together was "amazing" and that if he didn't deserve my friendship, that I didn't deserve the piece of art that he gave me. He suggested meeting up to get the art and also something else that he had left at my house (which I can't find).
So, I like this piece of art. I feel that it was a gift and I don't really have to give it back. I also feel that even though I very clearly explained to him at different points during our brief affair (4 dates over a month) that he was coming in too strong, maybe I should spell out to him why I had to break it off. I have not replied to any of the messages before I blocked him and have not called him in response to his last message. I wonder if it would help to spell it out in an email to him what was so off-putting about his behavior.
I have his address and could mail the art back, and I could enclose a letter or send an email with my reasons for not wanting to continue either a romantic relationship or a friendship. Do I owe him this? Should I just continue the no contact? What about the artwork? Do I really have to send that back? I mean, neither of us are spring chickens, and I kind of feel like he's using this artwork to squeeze the last bit of drama out of a dead situation, and I am old enough to know clearly that I am not responsible for his reactions, but maybe the high road here is to send the thing back and reset the dial to zero.
I've been out of the game for so long, and I have no idea what to do. I did try to explain things to him while we were dating, but obviously that didn't work. His attention was flattering at first, but so confusing as time went on.
At this point, I don't know his level of crazy, and he lives far enough away that I won't run into him randomly. His attention was flattering at first but now I don't know how to make it stop.
I would appreciate some perspective.
I blocked him on Facebook and also blocked his texts on my phone. However, I discovered a message from a couple of days in the blocked voicemail folder. It was a long message, he said essentially that our time together was "amazing" and that if he didn't deserve my friendship, that I didn't deserve the piece of art that he gave me. He suggested meeting up to get the art and also something else that he had left at my house (which I can't find).
So, I like this piece of art. I feel that it was a gift and I don't really have to give it back. I also feel that even though I very clearly explained to him at different points during our brief affair (4 dates over a month) that he was coming in too strong, maybe I should spell out to him why I had to break it off. I have not replied to any of the messages before I blocked him and have not called him in response to his last message. I wonder if it would help to spell it out in an email to him what was so off-putting about his behavior.
I have his address and could mail the art back, and I could enclose a letter or send an email with my reasons for not wanting to continue either a romantic relationship or a friendship. Do I owe him this? Should I just continue the no contact? What about the artwork? Do I really have to send that back? I mean, neither of us are spring chickens, and I kind of feel like he's using this artwork to squeeze the last bit of drama out of a dead situation, and I am old enough to know clearly that I am not responsible for his reactions, but maybe the high road here is to send the thing back and reset the dial to zero.
I've been out of the game for so long, and I have no idea what to do. I did try to explain things to him while we were dating, but obviously that didn't work. His attention was flattering at first, but so confusing as time went on.
At this point, I don't know his level of crazy, and he lives far enough away that I won't run into him randomly. His attention was flattering at first but now I don't know how to make it stop.
I would appreciate some perspective.
He doesn't want an explanation, he wants you to realize that you were wrong. You're right about the drama potential here. Send the art back, do not engage further.
posted by RainyJay at 5:14 PM on November 24, 2015 [11 favorites]
posted by RainyJay at 5:14 PM on November 24, 2015 [11 favorites]
He sounds bonkers. Mail him the gift and do not engage.
posted by pretentious illiterate at 5:14 PM on November 24, 2015 [7 favorites]
posted by pretentious illiterate at 5:14 PM on November 24, 2015 [7 favorites]
Oh yeah, send it back and resume no contact. You don't need any connection to this, or to explain, which would end up being an excuse for him to continue to bother you. If you happen to find the other thing, send that back when you do.
posted by WesterbergHigh at 5:15 PM on November 24, 2015 [5 favorites]
posted by WesterbergHigh at 5:15 PM on November 24, 2015 [5 favorites]
Give it back. There is other art out there and your holding onto this piece is allowing him to create drama.
posted by janey47 at 5:15 PM on November 24, 2015 [10 favorites]
posted by janey47 at 5:15 PM on November 24, 2015 [10 favorites]
Oh yeah, nope right out of this. Dude is straight up cuckoo for cocoa puffs and you do not need to babysit him anymore. Block his number and all forms of contact, mail the piece of art back without a return address, and try to pretend this didn't happen.
No, you should not keep the piece of art. I know you like it but the thing to do in this situation is to completely wash your hands of the entire past month. Why would you want a piece of art in your home to remind you of this ridiculous experience? You don't. Send it back without explanation, ignore every one of his future attempts to contact you.
posted by phunniemee at 5:15 PM on November 24, 2015 [22 favorites]
No, you should not keep the piece of art. I know you like it but the thing to do in this situation is to completely wash your hands of the entire past month. Why would you want a piece of art in your home to remind you of this ridiculous experience? You don't. Send it back without explanation, ignore every one of his future attempts to contact you.
posted by phunniemee at 5:15 PM on November 24, 2015 [22 favorites]
Meeting up to retrieve the artwork is an excuse to see you again. Perhaps you like the artwork but he will continue to use it as a reason to try and see you.
Send the artwork and the other thing he "lost" in your house. You don't owe him as explanation, but you can probably expect another follow up message from him. Block all contact.
posted by Karaage at 5:17 PM on November 24, 2015 [3 favorites]
Send the artwork and the other thing he "lost" in your house. You don't owe him as explanation, but you can probably expect another follow up message from him. Block all contact.
posted by Karaage at 5:17 PM on November 24, 2015 [3 favorites]
So, I like this piece of art. I feel that it was a gift and I don't really have to give it back.
This is true. But is having to deal with his intrusive and persistent whining contact attempts really worth keeping it? You can buy your own art.
I could enclose a letter or send an email with my reasons for not wanting to continue either a romantic relationship or a friendship. Do I owe him this?
No. You don't owe him reasons. You don't need to explain yourself, and he is owed precisely nothing. You don't want to encourage him to respond or give him an opportunity to continue with his nonsensical attempts at bargaining.
My vote would be that you post his art back with a note that says "Do not contact me again" and nothing else. Then continue with no contact and forget about him.
posted by His thoughts were red thoughts at 5:18 PM on November 24, 2015 [7 favorites]
This is true. But is having to deal with his intrusive and persistent whining contact attempts really worth keeping it? You can buy your own art.
I could enclose a letter or send an email with my reasons for not wanting to continue either a romantic relationship or a friendship. Do I owe him this?
No. You don't owe him reasons. You don't need to explain yourself, and he is owed precisely nothing. You don't want to encourage him to respond or give him an opportunity to continue with his nonsensical attempts at bargaining.
My vote would be that you post his art back with a note that says "Do not contact me again" and nothing else. Then continue with no contact and forget about him.
posted by His thoughts were red thoughts at 5:18 PM on November 24, 2015 [7 favorites]
You don't owe him anything, and the art was a gift that you like, so I vote to keep it. Be saving his messages in case they move from annoying/desperate to worrisome (like stalking behavior). I highly doubt that if you send him the art, he will somehow have closure. He'll likely keep nagging about the "thing" he left in your house (which sounds like a lie) so I don't know what piece of mind you would get out of sending him the art.
Maybe hang it up somewhere not easily view-able from and outside window...
posted by Drosera at 5:22 PM on November 24, 2015 [1 favorite]
Maybe hang it up somewhere not easily view-able from and outside window...
posted by Drosera at 5:22 PM on November 24, 2015 [1 favorite]
You can not find the mystery object? YIKES.
I think you are missing the flashing neon sign here, this guy sounds pretty crazy. I don't understand why this escalation is not bothering you more?
Go to the police. Arrange to have the art mailed to his local precinct. Have the police contact him to pick it up from his local precinct. You don't want him to claim you stole it or anything. If I were you, I would replace this bullshit item he is making up, and make sure it's with the art at his local police station.
Now you have documentation.
After this, you may have to file a restraining order. Distance is no guarantee of safety. You don't seem concerned regarding his abnormal demands of you. Be careful, you probably should not interact with him further, let the police handle it.
Stay safe!
posted by jbenben at 5:22 PM on November 24, 2015 [24 favorites]
I think you are missing the flashing neon sign here, this guy sounds pretty crazy. I don't understand why this escalation is not bothering you more?
Go to the police. Arrange to have the art mailed to his local precinct. Have the police contact him to pick it up from his local precinct. You don't want him to claim you stole it or anything. If I were you, I would replace this bullshit item he is making up, and make sure it's with the art at his local police station.
Now you have documentation.
After this, you may have to file a restraining order. Distance is no guarantee of safety. You don't seem concerned regarding his abnormal demands of you. Be careful, you probably should not interact with him further, let the police handle it.
Stay safe!
posted by jbenben at 5:22 PM on November 24, 2015 [24 favorites]
Good lord, all this after just one month and one single date?!? Yikes!
Mail back the art, with a brief note 'do not contact me again" --- NOT "please do not", just a simple "don't". Don't try explaining why you don't want to see him again, because he'll just take that as something he can argue about and try to talk his way around. Go totally no-contact as soon as you mail off that art: delete/ block him anywhere and everywhere. Never never NEVER answer his calls, texts, emails, letters, anything. Keep his emails and notes, in case you need to prove what a wacko he is, but never reply. Also never let him into your home, and go read Gavin de Becker's 'The Gift of Fear'.
posted by easily confused at 5:24 PM on November 24, 2015 [6 favorites]
Mail back the art, with a brief note 'do not contact me again" --- NOT "please do not", just a simple "don't". Don't try explaining why you don't want to see him again, because he'll just take that as something he can argue about and try to talk his way around. Go totally no-contact as soon as you mail off that art: delete/ block him anywhere and everywhere. Never never NEVER answer his calls, texts, emails, letters, anything. Keep his emails and notes, in case you need to prove what a wacko he is, but never reply. Also never let him into your home, and go read Gavin de Becker's 'The Gift of Fear'.
posted by easily confused at 5:24 PM on November 24, 2015 [6 favorites]
Yeah give the art back right away. It's the right thing to do and it's the self-protecting thing to do. No further contact, no explanations, just wash your hands of all of this, zero contact is the only way.
posted by fingersandtoes at 5:37 PM on November 24, 2015 [4 favorites]
posted by fingersandtoes at 5:37 PM on November 24, 2015 [4 favorites]
I recently dated a guy briefly to whom I lent one of my favorite books. It ended, and it didn't end well, but I never asked for my book back and just cut my losses on it even though I was disappointed. This last-ditch, "btw I want my thing back" stuff might be indicative of some problematic potentially character-disordered behavior and talking to these kinds of people escalates into very weird territory very fast. I know, I had one of those. 2 years later, he was writing me e-mail from newly created accounts saying he "hadn't forgotten about me". Didn't take direct communication or hints, that one.
posted by a knot unknown at 5:38 PM on November 24, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by a knot unknown at 5:38 PM on November 24, 2015 [1 favorite]
I kind of feel like he's using this artwork to squeeze the last bit of drama out of a dead situation
I don't mean to be harsh, but just to give my perspective: from your brief description, I would say that you are using the art to squeeze drama out of this. Give it back. Then be finished with this guy.
posted by latkes at 5:47 PM on November 24, 2015 [14 favorites]
I don't mean to be harsh, but just to give my perspective: from your brief description, I would say that you are using the art to squeeze drama out of this. Give it back. Then be finished with this guy.
posted by latkes at 5:47 PM on November 24, 2015 [14 favorites]
He's already stalking you, that's what "went wrong."
Don't keep anything of his, because he'll use it as an excuse to be with you. He'll use anything.
posted by jenfullmoon at 5:55 PM on November 24, 2015 [6 favorites]
Don't keep anything of his, because he'll use it as an excuse to be with you. He'll use anything.
posted by jenfullmoon at 5:55 PM on November 24, 2015 [6 favorites]
I think you would be technically correct to keep the art (the best kind of correct). But for the sake of drama reduction and putting this dude behind you I would send it back. Don't meet with him, because this very well could be a ploy to just meet with you again. Mail it, convey it through a mutual acquaintance, drop it off on his doorstep in the dark of the night, but dump it and leave this all behind you.
posted by Anonymous at 6:04 PM on November 24, 2015
posted by Anonymous at 6:04 PM on November 24, 2015
No contact, block his number and have gmail automatically file his emails in a folder marked "crazy", keep the art.
It was a gift.
Also, if you give it back, it may provide fuel to his ongoing efforts to engage you.
posted by arnicae at 6:12 PM on November 24, 2015
It was a gift.
Also, if you give it back, it may provide fuel to his ongoing efforts to engage you.
posted by arnicae at 6:12 PM on November 24, 2015
I think you should mail it back since you really should not have accepted it in the first place.
posted by meepmeow at 6:30 PM on November 24, 2015 [19 favorites]
posted by meepmeow at 6:30 PM on November 24, 2015 [19 favorites]
I'm with the give it back camp.
Most important reason is to be well and truly clear of him (really don't you think seeing that piece will just be a reminder of a slightly distasteful person).
Secondarily, it was not nice of you to accept an expensive gift from someone you were not planning on maintaining any kind of relationship with. And given the fact that you broke things off a week after the gift was given it seems like you knew or were feeling the end was in sight.
If you like the piece of art so much, contact the artist and buy one of their pieces yourself.
You don't owe him any lengthy justifications for breaking things off. Just let him know that you don't see a future at all, but wish him well.
posted by brookeb at 6:39 PM on November 24, 2015 [7 favorites]
Most important reason is to be well and truly clear of him (really don't you think seeing that piece will just be a reminder of a slightly distasteful person).
Secondarily, it was not nice of you to accept an expensive gift from someone you were not planning on maintaining any kind of relationship with. And given the fact that you broke things off a week after the gift was given it seems like you knew or were feeling the end was in sight.
If you like the piece of art so much, contact the artist and buy one of their pieces yourself.
You don't owe him any lengthy justifications for breaking things off. Just let him know that you don't see a future at all, but wish him well.
posted by brookeb at 6:39 PM on November 24, 2015 [7 favorites]
Send it back. I like the police suggestion. You were rejecting his advances, rejecting his friendship - you shouldn't have accepted an important gift. For the record, I totally think you were right to reject his advances - your radar was correct - but you should not accept gifts from people like this, because they use them to manipulate you, as you're finding out, and also because it's not ethical to take advantage of people whose judgment is so completely skewed. Return it, cut ties, be done with it. Take steps to secure yourself.
posted by Miko at 7:10 PM on November 24, 2015 [8 favorites]
posted by Miko at 7:10 PM on November 24, 2015 [8 favorites]
He's an idiot--that's not how gifts work--but honestly, he's such a seriously damaged idiot and people like that are unpredictable, that I'd send it back. Well worth it if it will get him out of your life for good. There's other art, and this piece will probably not yield good memories for you anyway.
posted by Joseph Gurl at 7:15 PM on November 24, 2015 [4 favorites]
posted by Joseph Gurl at 7:15 PM on November 24, 2015 [4 favorites]
Give it back and don't contact him again.
What's "right" re: the gift and what is "smart" re: this situation are two different things. Don't conflate them.
posted by modernnomad at 7:19 PM on November 24, 2015 [8 favorites]
What's "right" re: the gift and what is "smart" re: this situation are two different things. Don't conflate them.
posted by modernnomad at 7:19 PM on November 24, 2015 [8 favorites]
Aw, helllllll no.
Mail that art back and try to find whatever it is he lost. No note. Just mail it via certified mail or FedEx/UPS so you can track it and have record that you returned it.
That's it.
Do not answer his "thank you for returning" emails, phone calls, texts, faxes or social media attempts.
Do not engage, because all that "love" quickly turns to anger with guys like this in my experience.
And, you owe this guy ZERO.
posted by floweredfish at 7:44 PM on November 24, 2015 [7 favorites]
Mail that art back and try to find whatever it is he lost. No note. Just mail it via certified mail or FedEx/UPS so you can track it and have record that you returned it.
That's it.
Do not answer his "thank you for returning" emails, phone calls, texts, faxes or social media attempts.
Do not engage, because all that "love" quickly turns to anger with guys like this in my experience.
And, you owe this guy ZERO.
posted by floweredfish at 7:44 PM on November 24, 2015 [7 favorites]
"It was a gift so it's mine" isn't really the most pragmatic approach in this situation and seems unnecessarily stubborn given the downsides. This guy sounds nuts and I wouldn't want him to have anything to bug me about. Honestly, I tend to agree that when you gave you that art in the first place, after his other crazy suffocating behavior, that was your cue to end things and you probably shouldn't have accepted it. It sounds like within week one this should've been over. You can't explain away crazy.
Why not look for a similar piece by the same artist and get it for yourself? The bonus is you've found an artist you enjoy and it won't be tainted by the memory of some skeezy weirdo.
I'd send it back without a note and have the shipping place pack it well and insure it too so he can't claim it got damaged and find something new to bug you about.
Don't explain why you dumped him. If this guy were going to understand it, he would've understood it by now. Anything you say is an opening for a response for how he can address your concern and you can be together again. Don't feed into that. You'll never win. Just go no-contact.
posted by AppleTurnover at 8:30 PM on November 24, 2015 [4 favorites]
Why not look for a similar piece by the same artist and get it for yourself? The bonus is you've found an artist you enjoy and it won't be tainted by the memory of some skeezy weirdo.
I'd send it back without a note and have the shipping place pack it well and insure it too so he can't claim it got damaged and find something new to bug you about.
Don't explain why you dumped him. If this guy were going to understand it, he would've understood it by now. Anything you say is an opening for a response for how he can address your concern and you can be together again. Don't feed into that. You'll never win. Just go no-contact.
posted by AppleTurnover at 8:30 PM on November 24, 2015 [4 favorites]
Every time you look at this stupid thing from now on, you'll think about this guy. It doesn't matter if you liked it before, it's tainted now. Keeping it will just make you feel weird.
posted by showbiz_liz at 11:22 PM on November 24, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by showbiz_liz at 11:22 PM on November 24, 2015 [1 favorite]
You've got a Stage 5 Clinger here, and you need to really do everything possible to get this person out of your life.
Return the art. Immediately.
You don't owe anyone any explanations.
This mystery object?
Ten bucks says that he has it, and knows it's not at your place, and he's just going to use it to keep his foot in the door. ("Did you find it yet? Did you find it yet? Did you find it yet?")
Block him and go silent running from yesterday until forever.
posted by Major Matt Mason Dixon at 2:25 AM on November 25, 2015 [1 favorite]
Return the art. Immediately.
You don't owe anyone any explanations.
This mystery object?
Ten bucks says that he has it, and knows it's not at your place, and he's just going to use it to keep his foot in the door. ("Did you find it yet? Did you find it yet? Did you find it yet?")
Block him and go silent running from yesterday until forever.
posted by Major Matt Mason Dixon at 2:25 AM on November 25, 2015 [1 favorite]
Mail the art registered post or fedex-ed or couriered, or best yet, the police station route. So he can never claim he didn't receive it or you didn't send it.
Enclose a note stating you do not have mystery object in house. And one more sentence: Do not ever contact me again. No apology, no explanation, nothing else.
AND for what it's worth, I would be documenting every contact he makes with you.
posted by shazzam! at 3:50 AM on November 25, 2015
Enclose a note stating you do not have mystery object in house. And one more sentence: Do not ever contact me again. No apology, no explanation, nothing else.
AND for what it's worth, I would be documenting every contact he makes with you.
posted by shazzam! at 3:50 AM on November 25, 2015
Mail it back to him and pay extra for documentation that it was delivered.
He doesn't care about the art. He just wants an excuse to see and interact with you again. Don't fall for it.
Let go of the art and get something new.
posted by Piedmont_Americana at 4:13 AM on November 25, 2015 [1 favorite]
He doesn't care about the art. He just wants an excuse to see and interact with you again. Don't fall for it.
Let go of the art and get something new.
posted by Piedmont_Americana at 4:13 AM on November 25, 2015 [1 favorite]
No, you don't owe him any further explanation. You've already given him an explanation, repeatedly. The problem isn't that he didn't understand it; the problem is that he's unwilling to accept it or honor your desires.
I think your instincts are correct when you say he's milking the situation for further contact. Don't play into his game there. Yes, by any reasonable standard, the artwork is yours to keep: it was given to you as a gift, and that's that. People don't get to reclaim gifts after relationships go sour. But—in his mind, at least—you keeping the art also provides him with an avenue for this sort of harassment. Returning it deprives him of his main excuse for prolonging this relationship (such as it is).
Anyway, do you really want to be reminded of this creepwad every time your eyes fall on this piece of art? Don't return it because he deserves it, or because you owe him anything—he doesn't, and you don't. Return it because, if your goal is to shut this guy up and move on with your life, it's a good tactical move.
(The item he "lost" in your house likely does not exist. Unless it's, like, a diamond ring or something, and you have reason beyond his word to believe that it's really in your home, forget about it.)
I agree with the general consensus above: return the artwork, via mail (not in person), with no return address and a note saying, simply, "do not contact me again". Keep any emails/texts/voicemails he sends you, but never reply to any of them, period. Block him on social media. Sever all contact. Don't argue with him; don't give him explanations or answers or anything. You're not going to win; it's only going to prolong this unhealthy interaction.
Perhaps returning the artwork contradicts the "sever all contact" principle—and it's a shame that we should even have to advise you to do this. But it does, as you say, "reset the dial to zero", and (only if combined with an unyielding strategy of "sever all contact") increases the chances of getting this weirdo out of your life. Nothing good is going to come into your life from continuing to interact with this guy; it's just a hassle (and, sadly, a potential threat) you don't need.
posted by escape from the potato planet at 5:33 AM on November 25, 2015 [2 favorites]
I think your instincts are correct when you say he's milking the situation for further contact. Don't play into his game there. Yes, by any reasonable standard, the artwork is yours to keep: it was given to you as a gift, and that's that. People don't get to reclaim gifts after relationships go sour. But—in his mind, at least—you keeping the art also provides him with an avenue for this sort of harassment. Returning it deprives him of his main excuse for prolonging this relationship (such as it is).
Anyway, do you really want to be reminded of this creepwad every time your eyes fall on this piece of art? Don't return it because he deserves it, or because you owe him anything—he doesn't, and you don't. Return it because, if your goal is to shut this guy up and move on with your life, it's a good tactical move.
(The item he "lost" in your house likely does not exist. Unless it's, like, a diamond ring or something, and you have reason beyond his word to believe that it's really in your home, forget about it.)
I agree with the general consensus above: return the artwork, via mail (not in person), with no return address and a note saying, simply, "do not contact me again". Keep any emails/texts/voicemails he sends you, but never reply to any of them, period. Block him on social media. Sever all contact. Don't argue with him; don't give him explanations or answers or anything. You're not going to win; it's only going to prolong this unhealthy interaction.
Perhaps returning the artwork contradicts the "sever all contact" principle—and it's a shame that we should even have to advise you to do this. But it does, as you say, "reset the dial to zero", and (only if combined with an unyielding strategy of "sever all contact") increases the chances of getting this weirdo out of your life. Nothing good is going to come into your life from continuing to interact with this guy; it's just a hassle (and, sadly, a potential threat) you don't need.
posted by escape from the potato planet at 5:33 AM on November 25, 2015 [2 favorites]
This mystery object?
Ten bucks says that he has it, and knows it's not at your place, and he's just going to use it to keep his foot in the door. ("Did you find it yet? Did you find it yet? Did you find it yet?")
Occurs to me that this is true, so as you return the art, you could also offer to reimburse the cost of whatever it was, up to some amount within reason. That would make clear there is no further obligation. Might be a controversial option here, but I think I would try it just to make clear my intent to close affairs fully.
posted by Miko at 6:05 AM on November 25, 2015 [1 favorite]
Ten bucks says that he has it, and knows it's not at your place, and he's just going to use it to keep his foot in the door. ("Did you find it yet? Did you find it yet? Did you find it yet?")
Occurs to me that this is true, so as you return the art, you could also offer to reimburse the cost of whatever it was, up to some amount within reason. That would make clear there is no further obligation. Might be a controversial option here, but I think I would try it just to make clear my intent to close affairs fully.
posted by Miko at 6:05 AM on November 25, 2015 [1 favorite]
I only noticed one other reference to this upthread (on edit, one more!)
also something else that he had left at my house (which I can't find).
And that's going to have to be dealt with to. At least, he's going to keep trying to make contact about that (and if it weren't that, it would be something else).
So along with returning the art via courier or mail or whatever, attach a typed/wordprocessed note printed out without any of your handwriting, stating that whatever it was, you didn't find. It may or may not exist, of course.
And you're going to have to work hard at blocking this guy, I'm afraid. Do not get involved in debating with him about things; it will only keep spiraling and he will never be satisfied.
posted by randomkeystrike at 6:08 AM on November 25, 2015
also something else that he had left at my house (which I can't find).
And that's going to have to be dealt with to. At least, he's going to keep trying to make contact about that (and if it weren't that, it would be something else).
So along with returning the art via courier or mail or whatever, attach a typed/wordprocessed note printed out without any of your handwriting, stating that whatever it was, you didn't find. It may or may not exist, of course.
And you're going to have to work hard at blocking this guy, I'm afraid. Do not get involved in debating with him about things; it will only keep spiraling and he will never be satisfied.
posted by randomkeystrike at 6:08 AM on November 25, 2015
giving you a way-too-expensive gift way too soon is part of the problem he has that makes him unacceptable; you shouldn't have accepted it in the first place, since it represents exactly what you objected to over and over again over the course of this four-date love affair. Send it back with a money order to cover the cost of whatever the lost object was and no communication whatsoever. You already said "don't contact me again." No more help for this delusional dude.
posted by Don Pepino at 6:41 AM on November 25, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by Don Pepino at 6:41 AM on November 25, 2015 [1 favorite]
Just food for thought on the "gift" thing, it always struck me as manipulative when someone I'd just met tried to bestow something big on me, and it does seem to be a well-marked tactic of psychological abuse.
posted by Miko at 7:26 AM on November 25, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by Miko at 7:26 AM on November 25, 2015 [3 favorites]
He doesn't want an explanation, he wants you to realize that you were wrong.
Quoted for truth.
I'm in the camp of give the art back, but my reason is that whenever you look at it now it will be forever tainted with the memory of Crazy Guy. So even if you are able to appreciate its beauty, you will always have that nagging, split second memory when you see it - "beautiful... oh yeah, Crazy Guy gave it to me". Plus whenever someone else admires it and asks about it, you will have to make a decision of whether to lie and say a "friend" gave it to you, or whether to tell the story about Crazy Guy.
Life it too short to surround yourself with things that give you bad memories.
I would send it back with a super brief note "I don't have your other doohickey. Do not contact me again." Then, no matter what, no contact. Just by sending the art back you are entering the dangerous territory of "she's blocked me but still getting my messages, so I can still contact her via these avenues." So, come hell or high water, no. more. contact.
posted by vignettist at 8:13 AM on November 25, 2015 [1 favorite]
Quoted for truth.
I'm in the camp of give the art back, but my reason is that whenever you look at it now it will be forever tainted with the memory of Crazy Guy. So even if you are able to appreciate its beauty, you will always have that nagging, split second memory when you see it - "beautiful... oh yeah, Crazy Guy gave it to me". Plus whenever someone else admires it and asks about it, you will have to make a decision of whether to lie and say a "friend" gave it to you, or whether to tell the story about Crazy Guy.
Life it too short to surround yourself with things that give you bad memories.
I would send it back with a super brief note "I don't have your other doohickey. Do not contact me again." Then, no matter what, no contact. Just by sending the art back you are entering the dangerous territory of "she's blocked me but still getting my messages, so I can still contact her via these avenues." So, come hell or high water, no. more. contact.
posted by vignettist at 8:13 AM on November 25, 2015 [1 favorite]
If you don't give back the art, he's definitely going to keep contacting you and will most likely come to your place repeatedly until you do give it back. I partly agree that it's best to have no contact at all, but as long as you have that piece, he will be engaged in a sort of relationship with you.
Even though you did nothing wrong, consider whether an apology (of sorts) from you might help. Maybe, "I shouldn't have accepted this gift."
posted by wryly at 8:54 AM on November 25, 2015
Even though you did nothing wrong, consider whether an apology (of sorts) from you might help. Maybe, "I shouldn't have accepted this gift."
posted by wryly at 8:54 AM on November 25, 2015
I'd carefully wrap and package the art and send it back w/a signature required so you have proof it was received. Enclose a note saying you cannot find the mysterious lost item and do not have it. Tell him not to contact you again. Don't explain why, you've already told him, and anyway people like that use explanations as another way to try to communicate. He's likely to want to contact you to 'debate' any reasons you offer for the breakup.
To me, no matter how nice the piece of art was, it would hold negative energy and every time I looked at it, I'd be reminded of the crazy dater.
posted by RichardHenryYarbo at 9:16 AM on November 25, 2015 [2 favorites]
To me, no matter how nice the piece of art was, it would hold negative energy and every time I looked at it, I'd be reminded of the crazy dater.
posted by RichardHenryYarbo at 9:16 AM on November 25, 2015 [2 favorites]
After reading all these responses again I just wanted to chime in again. While these responses to your post may sound a little alarmist/extreme, its really important to note that unstable personalities (e.g. This Dude) are exactly that - totally shifty and volatile. He "fell in love" rather quickly and with seeming intensity, but the reality is that he is letting his emotions control him with a big 'ol splash of codependency in there too among other things.
Because of the unstable nature of all of this, when triggered, all of this intense "love" can quickly turn into anger/hatred because he is not getting what he wants.
OP, this is the important part to note that everyone is commenting on; not trying to scare you, but trying to prepare you just in case.
If/when this switch flips it can (but not always) result in an utter shitstorm of creepyhood. Just be on your guard and the better you do to not engage, the quicker it will fizzle.
Please stay safe and stay smart as you have been.
posted by floweredfish at 9:51 AM on November 25, 2015
Because of the unstable nature of all of this, when triggered, all of this intense "love" can quickly turn into anger/hatred because he is not getting what he wants.
OP, this is the important part to note that everyone is commenting on; not trying to scare you, but trying to prepare you just in case.
If/when this switch flips it can (but not always) result in an utter shitstorm of creepyhood. Just be on your guard and the better you do to not engage, the quicker it will fizzle.
Please stay safe and stay smart as you have been.
posted by floweredfish at 9:51 AM on November 25, 2015
Response by poster: I wrote the post in a hurry (sorry about all of the typos) and I did not include the fact that he sounded kind of edgy/angry in the voicemail that ended up in my "blocked" folder. At least during the part about wanting the artwork back, the reasons that he gave and the edge in his voice were concerning. He made it clear that asking for it back was a sort of punishment.
So, I appreciate floweredfish's last comment about not wanting to alarm me, but the reason I posted last night was because, well, I'm alarmed already. I agree that our "relationship" should have been cut short after week one. I agree that I should not have accepted the gift. The artwork is going to be sent back to him on Friday, with a short note about not being able to find his other thing and "don't contact me again".
posted by bright and shiny at 10:18 AM on November 25, 2015 [7 favorites]
So, I appreciate floweredfish's last comment about not wanting to alarm me, but the reason I posted last night was because, well, I'm alarmed already. I agree that our "relationship" should have been cut short after week one. I agree that I should not have accepted the gift. The artwork is going to be sent back to him on Friday, with a short note about not being able to find his other thing and "don't contact me again".
posted by bright and shiny at 10:18 AM on November 25, 2015 [7 favorites]
The one time I had someone act crazy early on after I broke it off, I wrote one last clear message that basically said "Do not contact me again. If you continue to harass me, I will have my lawyer handle any further correspondence."
I didn't have a lawyer.
I never heard from him again.
You should get written documentation of your asking him not to contact you again. If he does, go to the police.
posted by Gray Skies at 11:19 AM on November 25, 2015 [1 favorite]
I didn't have a lawyer.
I never heard from him again.
You should get written documentation of your asking him not to contact you again. If he does, go to the police.
posted by Gray Skies at 11:19 AM on November 25, 2015 [1 favorite]
The artwork is going to be sent back to him on Friday, with a short note about not being able to find his other thing and "don't contact me again".
Please also make sure you require a signature and delivery documentation. Very important. If he persists, talk to the cops. The way he's acting and overreacting raises a bunch of red flags.
posted by zarq at 1:30 PM on November 25, 2015
Please also make sure you require a signature and delivery documentation. Very important. If he persists, talk to the cops. The way he's acting and overreacting raises a bunch of red flags.
posted by zarq at 1:30 PM on November 25, 2015
Going to nth everyone else here, pay extra to get proof of delivery (so you have documented proof he received it) and keep a photocopy of the letter you enclose (so you have documented proof that you told him not to contact you).
posted by Ndwright at 1:50 PM on November 25, 2015
posted by Ndwright at 1:50 PM on November 25, 2015
Send it back. No note, no nothing. Don't accept gifts from people strongly in love with you that you do not feel the same way about.
posted by Ironmouth at 6:17 PM on November 25, 2015 [4 favorites]
posted by Ironmouth at 6:17 PM on November 25, 2015 [4 favorites]
Response by poster: No note, no nothing. That feels the best to me. Thanks Ironmouth.
posted by bright and shiny at 6:29 PM on November 25, 2015
posted by bright and shiny at 6:29 PM on November 25, 2015
Response by poster: Signature required
Thanks all
posted by bright and shiny at 8:28 PM on November 25, 2015 [5 favorites]
Thanks all
posted by bright and shiny at 8:28 PM on November 25, 2015 [5 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by bluespark25 at 5:13 PM on November 24, 2015 [47 favorites]