Should I tell the truth or let him down easy?
August 3, 2014 11:44 AM Subscribe
I'm going to break up with a guy I've been seeing for about a month. Wondering if I should stick to platitudes or tell him the truth, which is that he has some unsavory, borderline misogynistic views.
posted by placoderm to Human Relations (44 answers total) 8 users marked this as a favorite
He and I (28M, 22F) are already exclusive. He wants to be more serious and become boyfriend/girlfriend, and I've decided to turn him down.
I've read Miko's breakup script. I'm trying to decide whether I should just stick purely to the script, or tell the truth about why I am not interested in a relationship.
He's great in some ways, but he has very unsavory attitudes towards dating. He's never directed any of this towards me, but he's vain, cares a lot about appearances, talks about both men and women using the 1-10 scale (for example, stuff like "oh a girl who's a 5 can date a guy who's an 8 because girls have it so much easier"), and once said something incredibly cruel about being "better than" an "ugly fat chick".
He's not a PUA or anything like that--he doesn't play games, respects boundaries, texts me back quickly, constantly tells me how hot and sexy I am, etc. Overall, he has treated me very well. He's one of the few guys I've met who don't have the Madonna/whore complex, and he generally tries to be a good person. I do think he's absorbed a lot of harmful Reddit-type notions about dating and gender (and he is a Redditor), but if I ruled out guys based on this alone, I would be ruling out 90% of the men I know.
BUT. Back in grade school I was very plain. Puberty worked its magic and now I'm conventionally attractive and get a lot of male attention, but I'm always a little sad whenever I realize that I'm with someone who wouldn't give me the time of day if I didn't have my looks. For me personally, I've liked guys who were super hot and guys who were objectively ugly and they were all very attractive in their own ways. Would there be a point in talking to him about this? On the one hand, I have this fantasy that he'll see the error of his ways and come out as a better, more empathetic person. On the other hand, he's already the kind of person who thinks people can be rated between 1 and 10.