NSFW: New partner and size issues
November 12, 2015 9:56 AM Subscribe
I'm seeing someone new. We are both intensely attracted to each other but there are some baffling technical issues I have never experienced before and am not sure how to handle. NSFW details to follow.
He's having difficulty achieving a full erection. His penis size should be a great fit for me, however during sex (so far just missionary) I don't experience much sensation, though he's able to finish. I'm not sure if this is because of the incomplete erection or if my own anatomy has altered itself or is responding differently somehow since I was last active?
What can we do? Are there positions that work better for this situation? Are there any resources that might help? He's delightfully handsome and sexy and sweet, I don't want to write this off as an incompatibility.
He's having difficulty achieving a full erection. His penis size should be a great fit for me, however during sex (so far just missionary) I don't experience much sensation, though he's able to finish. I'm not sure if this is because of the incomplete erection or if my own anatomy has altered itself or is responding differently somehow since I was last active?
What can we do? Are there positions that work better for this situation? Are there any resources that might help? He's delightfully handsome and sexy and sweet, I don't want to write this off as an incompatibility.
Penis rings might very well make things feel better for both of you. There are many different types, so experiment a little.
posted by Too-Ticky at 10:13 AM on November 12, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by Too-Ticky at 10:13 AM on November 12, 2015 [1 favorite]
Are there extenuating circumstances that might prevent him from getting a full erection, such as you being his first partner in a while, or perhaps he's used to masturbation for achieving a full erection, as opposed to PIV intercourse?
Perhaps working through this, if applicable, would lead to a full erection.
posted by Major Matt Mason Dixon at 10:23 AM on November 12, 2015 [1 favorite]
Perhaps working through this, if applicable, would lead to a full erection.
posted by Major Matt Mason Dixon at 10:23 AM on November 12, 2015 [1 favorite]
Penis extenders are a thing. Also vibrating cock rings. And minty/warming/cooling lubes.
Is he capable of getting a full erection when he's alone/asleep (does he wake with morning erections?)? Has he noticed a change in his erections? In my own experience of penises, the size of the erection is pretty much fixed, but the angle of the erection can vary. I guess it depends on how you're defining a "full erection".
posted by Solomon at 10:31 AM on November 12, 2015
Is he capable of getting a full erection when he's alone/asleep (does he wake with morning erections?)? Has he noticed a change in his erections? In my own experience of penises, the size of the erection is pretty much fixed, but the angle of the erection can vary. I guess it depends on how you're defining a "full erection".
posted by Solomon at 10:31 AM on November 12, 2015
Missionary is the actual worst, in terms of women experiencing pleasure. You could be using practically any other position and probably enjoy it a lot more.
Here's a Bustle article on the best sex positions for female orgasm. I once found a really informative infographic which allowed you to select several variables (penis size, female pleasure, height, mobility issues, etc), and then it would give you the best positions for your situation, but googling isn't calling it back to me, unfortunately. But such a thing is out there!
Also, I'm sure you know that there are a lot of other ways to pleasure a woman besides PIV sex. Far be it from me to suggest that your new guy is a jerk, but he really should be making you a priority, here.
posted by Sara C. at 10:40 AM on November 12, 2015 [8 favorites]
Here's a Bustle article on the best sex positions for female orgasm. I once found a really informative infographic which allowed you to select several variables (penis size, female pleasure, height, mobility issues, etc), and then it would give you the best positions for your situation, but googling isn't calling it back to me, unfortunately. But such a thing is out there!
Also, I'm sure you know that there are a lot of other ways to pleasure a woman besides PIV sex. Far be it from me to suggest that your new guy is a jerk, but he really should be making you a priority, here.
posted by Sara C. at 10:40 AM on November 12, 2015 [8 favorites]
If it's still the new-partner-jitters that make it harder for him to stay erect, try doing more oral, since he won't really need to be fully erect for a long time to enjoy it. Do 69 if you'd like to get some simultaneous pleasure. But honestly for female enjoyment, I'd recommend doing it from behind and you using a small handheld vibrator on yourself.
Source: vagina owner.
posted by Drosera at 10:55 AM on November 12, 2015 [3 favorites]
Source: vagina owner.
posted by Drosera at 10:55 AM on November 12, 2015 [3 favorites]
No guarantees on these tips:
Sometimes, ironically, a minimum of foreplay may lead to a fuller erection, so it may help to try the penetrative part first after only a bit of oral/manual stimulation, if penetrative sex is the goal.
You don't mention condoms but those are a common culprit, and there are some fixes for it.
Definitely try other positions ("cowgirl" is one I like), or even take penetrative sex off the menu until you are both more comfortable with each other's bodies.
posted by muddgirl at 11:23 AM on November 12, 2015
Sometimes, ironically, a minimum of foreplay may lead to a fuller erection, so it may help to try the penetrative part first after only a bit of oral/manual stimulation, if penetrative sex is the goal.
You don't mention condoms but those are a common culprit, and there are some fixes for it.
Definitely try other positions ("cowgirl" is one I like), or even take penetrative sex off the menu until you are both more comfortable with each other's bodies.
posted by muddgirl at 11:23 AM on November 12, 2015
If he's not able to maintain an erection, he should probably rule-out a medical cause first. This presumes that he was previously able to maintain a complete erection and this isn't just how his erections are. There are various medical/health factors that can contribute to this including: overweight, smoking, vascular disease, diabetes, prostatitis, etc. If those are ruled out, I'd try a cock ring before trying drugs, but that's just me.
posted by quince at 11:32 AM on November 12, 2015
posted by quince at 11:32 AM on November 12, 2015
Erections, full or otherwise, are not a prerequisite for male orgasm or ejaculation. Likewise, all men do not reach the same maximum level of erectile rigidity. This should not be baffling. It's bilogy, which means it's variable. Have you heard of the erection hardness scale?
"The level of erection hardness is measured in a scale of one to four using the Erection Hardness Score (EHS) developed by the European Association of Urology.
“Level one is like tofu where the male organ is large but not hard, level two is similar to a peeled banana where it’s not hard enough for penetration, level three is like an unpeeled banana where it’s hard enough for penetration but not completely, and level four is similar to a cucumber where it’s completely hard and fully rigid,” explained Dr King.
ED medications do exist, but not every man enjoys taking them (and some men are advised against taking them if certain physiological or medical complications are in the picture). ED management can be non-pharma, too, as with cockrings and the like. I'd feel much more comfortable first asking partner if he'd be comfortable trying a cockring before asking him to take medication. I'd also feel comfortable asking him questions about sex generally.
Has he volunteered any commentary on this yet that suggests to you that this is not his norm (e.g. I usually get harder)? If so, a cockring recommendation might be helpful. If it's normal for him, and it's not getting you off, is there an issue barring stimulation for you other than exclusively penis-in-vagina stimulation? Can you ask him to go down on you, or introduce a toy, or...? It might be as simple as saying, I need more stimulation like X-Y-Z after you come, will you do X-Y-Z?
This sounds like an awesomely sexy and fun problem to try to solve, not an incompatibility. Hope this is helpful.
posted by late afternoon dreaming hotel at 12:37 PM on November 12, 2015 [4 favorites]
"The level of erection hardness is measured in a scale of one to four using the Erection Hardness Score (EHS) developed by the European Association of Urology.
“Level one is like tofu where the male organ is large but not hard, level two is similar to a peeled banana where it’s not hard enough for penetration, level three is like an unpeeled banana where it’s hard enough for penetration but not completely, and level four is similar to a cucumber where it’s completely hard and fully rigid,” explained Dr King.
ED medications do exist, but not every man enjoys taking them (and some men are advised against taking them if certain physiological or medical complications are in the picture). ED management can be non-pharma, too, as with cockrings and the like. I'd feel much more comfortable first asking partner if he'd be comfortable trying a cockring before asking him to take medication. I'd also feel comfortable asking him questions about sex generally.
Has he volunteered any commentary on this yet that suggests to you that this is not his norm (e.g. I usually get harder)? If so, a cockring recommendation might be helpful. If it's normal for him, and it's not getting you off, is there an issue barring stimulation for you other than exclusively penis-in-vagina stimulation? Can you ask him to go down on you, or introduce a toy, or...? It might be as simple as saying, I need more stimulation like X-Y-Z after you come, will you do X-Y-Z?
This sounds like an awesomely sexy and fun problem to try to solve, not an incompatibility. Hope this is helpful.
posted by late afternoon dreaming hotel at 12:37 PM on November 12, 2015 [4 favorites]
In addition to the other suggestions, there are small toys that can go around the penis and provide stimulation right in front of it (with or without vibration) -- usually sort of rubbery and bumpy. This allows PIV sex to provide more substantial stimulus where it otherwise wouldn't, to positive affect in missionary and other positions. Highly recommend. Something like this.
posted by acm at 3:57 PM on November 12, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by acm at 3:57 PM on November 12, 2015 [1 favorite]
Is he drinking? Whiskey dick is a thing.
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 6:21 PM on November 12, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 6:21 PM on November 12, 2015 [3 favorites]
How old is he? Because at some point around 40ish (give or take five years), yeah, a penis tends to get a little more finicky about getting and staying hard in a super-reliable fashion.
What makes it MUCH worse: considering it a problem.
What makes it MUCH MUCH MUCH better: considering it an opportunity for extended non-PIV-event-driven sexytimes for both partners, i.e. you play with his cock without judging it for its level of elevation, and he makes you scream like a banshee with his fingers and tongue, and before you know it the semi-erect is more than fully erect and problem solved.
posted by desuetude at 10:15 PM on November 12, 2015 [5 favorites]
What makes it MUCH worse: considering it a problem.
What makes it MUCH MUCH MUCH better: considering it an opportunity for extended non-PIV-event-driven sexytimes for both partners, i.e. you play with his cock without judging it for its level of elevation, and he makes you scream like a banshee with his fingers and tongue, and before you know it the semi-erect is more than fully erect and problem solved.
posted by desuetude at 10:15 PM on November 12, 2015 [5 favorites]
desuetude is right on here. Being"shy" because you are new for him can be a big issue, and once we are all worried that he are not getting a big raging hardon, well that is an ever increasing negative feedback loop of anxiety and shame.
Being direct and upfront about wanting to come, and being sexy about making that happen with fingers, toys, whatever, takes the pressure off of "you have to make me come with a fully erect penis during penetrative sex".
Be open and sexy about sex, and try not to make an issue of poor quality boner. The sexiness will hopefully eventually get him more reliably aroused over time.
Have fun and good luck.
posted by Meatbomb at 9:27 AM on November 13, 2015
Being direct and upfront about wanting to come, and being sexy about making that happen with fingers, toys, whatever, takes the pressure off of "you have to make me come with a fully erect penis during penetrative sex".
Be open and sexy about sex, and try not to make an issue of poor quality boner. The sexiness will hopefully eventually get him more reliably aroused over time.
Have fun and good luck.
posted by Meatbomb at 9:27 AM on November 13, 2015
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by JimN2TAW at 10:09 AM on November 12, 2015