How to rebuild your confidence after a stream of rejections?
October 24, 2015 5:00 PM Subscribe
I've recently had a stream of dating-related rejections. It's gotten pretty frustrating and I've now started to see rejection as a given. How do I rebuild my confidence and get back on the horse?
I'm not going to bore you with the gory details. Basically I've recently been on the receiving end of a number of rejections, both offline and online. It's done a number on my confidence.
I've really tried to be assertive in this arena, for the first time in my life. I am a shy person. When it goes so against the grain of who you are as a person to confidently ask someone out, it takes a lot out of you! I feel pretty drained by the effort and disheartened by the fact that guys I tend to be interested in tend to first like me okay and then 'ghost' on me.
One of the guys in question is actually someone I have known for a few years and been infatuated with... also for a few years, and actually trying to ask him out remains one of the scariest things I've ever done! He was pretty nice but also absolutely not interested (he's dating someone now). This has been very hard to get over.
My confidence has taken a total beat-down. Logically, I know that there's nothing actively wrong with me. These guys just weren't interested and that's fine. But emotionally, this is hard to deal with. None of my friends who are dating seem to have these problems. It seems so easy for everyone else!
I've read so much advice about how repeated rejection makes you care less about it, but I am just finding it makes me expect to be rejected and disinclined to even bother risking it. So I've disabled my online profile and am avoiding situations where I might meet guys.
Other probably relevant info: 30s, f, "cute", nerdy, ethnic minority where I live. I have a very active social life and many hobbies. I don't think I have a confidence problem in general: I actually think I am eminently datable! I think also the fact that I have many friends makes this romantic rejection tough for me to swallow because - and I know this makes me sound like a spoiled brat - I tend to take it for granted that people will like me. I should be clear: I'm not asking for reasons WHY I am having no luck, I am asking for how to get my confidence back so I can bring myself to start actively looking again. Thanks in advance.
I'm not going to bore you with the gory details. Basically I've recently been on the receiving end of a number of rejections, both offline and online. It's done a number on my confidence.
I've really tried to be assertive in this arena, for the first time in my life. I am a shy person. When it goes so against the grain of who you are as a person to confidently ask someone out, it takes a lot out of you! I feel pretty drained by the effort and disheartened by the fact that guys I tend to be interested in tend to first like me okay and then 'ghost' on me.
One of the guys in question is actually someone I have known for a few years and been infatuated with... also for a few years, and actually trying to ask him out remains one of the scariest things I've ever done! He was pretty nice but also absolutely not interested (he's dating someone now). This has been very hard to get over.
My confidence has taken a total beat-down. Logically, I know that there's nothing actively wrong with me. These guys just weren't interested and that's fine. But emotionally, this is hard to deal with. None of my friends who are dating seem to have these problems. It seems so easy for everyone else!
I've read so much advice about how repeated rejection makes you care less about it, but I am just finding it makes me expect to be rejected and disinclined to even bother risking it. So I've disabled my online profile and am avoiding situations where I might meet guys.
Other probably relevant info: 30s, f, "cute", nerdy, ethnic minority where I live. I have a very active social life and many hobbies. I don't think I have a confidence problem in general: I actually think I am eminently datable! I think also the fact that I have many friends makes this romantic rejection tough for me to swallow because - and I know this makes me sound like a spoiled brat - I tend to take it for granted that people will like me. I should be clear: I'm not asking for reasons WHY I am having no luck, I am asking for how to get my confidence back so I can bring myself to start actively looking again. Thanks in advance.
Best answer: A few years ago I had the chance to date a number of people who I'd categorize as "my ideal type," at least at the time and many years before. I was so excited to finally have the chance to do so but also surprised and disappointed to face one rejection after another, oww! Like you, I was used to being well-liked by friends and also have many people be interested in dating me... just not those particular guys. (FWIW, they were creative music types without a lot of stability whereas I am a schoolteacher who's loves creativity and music but keeps things stable and secure for my job.) Fast forward a bit, and I've happily been in a relationship with my partner of two years. He's great and similar to the others in some ways but also is very different, i.e. a good match who appreciates me for who I am.
After my year of rejections, I took a bit of a break like you are. I carped to sympathetic friends, did my own thing, and put myself in different environments. I didn't "lower my standards," so to speak, but I did start looking at possible dates a bit differently and in different places. What I found was sudden success that was so sweet and surprising after that year of rejection?! For example, I hate exercising but I value fitness so I ran more and joined a running group. I love music and would prefer an indie show over a 5K any day but I found a great group of people. They may prefer a run over a concert but they still listened to "acceptable" music and certainly weren't opposed to occasionally attending a show. (I share these details not because they matter but I find specific examples most helpful when it comes to experience-based advice.)
Everyone has a different situation, and it may be that these guys aren't interested in dating you because they are secretly racist jerks and awful. (If that's the case, it's entirely super unfair and I'm sorry. I also recommend seeing "Dear White People" because it deals with so many difficult topics so well.) However, it could be that the kind of person you think you want to be with isn't actually the ideal person for you. Again, I'm not saying "settle" or do anything radical but, honestly, thank goodness that spell is broken with that old crush so you can find someone (else) who loves and admires you for the awesome person you are right now!
I believe that, for some or even many of us, dating is "aspirational." Consciously or subconsciously, we are attracted to people who have traits of who we wish we were. I'm very grounded but I'm also creative, and, apparently, part of me had been yearning to be and be recognized as more alternative and creative, and less warm and practical like I am. It makes sense that I was finding myself interested in guys (and women, etc.) who were the way I wanted to be and be viewed; it also makes sense that they didn't want to date me (OK, that still doesn't make sense to me *ha!* but I can understand.)
That was my personal a-ha moment, but your experience and situation might be completely different. Maybe you're a nerdy person interested in guys who are super nerdy but who don't appreciate your nerdiness because they're insecure in their own geek identity. Conversely, maybe you're looking to date men who are the opposite of nerdy and don't appreciate your geekiness. Maybe it's something completely different and my story doesn't help at all. But then other MeFites can give you helpful advice so it's all good! (Random follow-up, not that you were wondering: I kept my beloved 9-to-5 but also found new ways to be and be recognized as creative and alternative, so it all worked out! And my partner loves this part of me that those in the scene never really recognized and/or cared about.)
And, if all else fails, just remember that this goes both ways. There are surely plenty of guys in your past, most of whom you didn't even notice, who would have LOVED to date you. But you weren't and will never be interested in them, and that's totally OK for everyone involved. That's life, and I found remembering this helped me keep things in check. Having sympathy for others helped me not feel too sorry for myself, occasionally having a little self-pity isn't all bad either. Good luck!
posted by smorgasbord at 9:25 PM on October 24, 2015 [10 favorites]
After my year of rejections, I took a bit of a break like you are. I carped to sympathetic friends, did my own thing, and put myself in different environments. I didn't "lower my standards," so to speak, but I did start looking at possible dates a bit differently and in different places. What I found was sudden success that was so sweet and surprising after that year of rejection?! For example, I hate exercising but I value fitness so I ran more and joined a running group. I love music and would prefer an indie show over a 5K any day but I found a great group of people. They may prefer a run over a concert but they still listened to "acceptable" music and certainly weren't opposed to occasionally attending a show. (I share these details not because they matter but I find specific examples most helpful when it comes to experience-based advice.)
Everyone has a different situation, and it may be that these guys aren't interested in dating you because they are secretly racist jerks and awful. (If that's the case, it's entirely super unfair and I'm sorry. I also recommend seeing "Dear White People" because it deals with so many difficult topics so well.) However, it could be that the kind of person you think you want to be with isn't actually the ideal person for you. Again, I'm not saying "settle" or do anything radical but, honestly, thank goodness that spell is broken with that old crush so you can find someone (else) who loves and admires you for the awesome person you are right now!
I believe that, for some or even many of us, dating is "aspirational." Consciously or subconsciously, we are attracted to people who have traits of who we wish we were. I'm very grounded but I'm also creative, and, apparently, part of me had been yearning to be and be recognized as more alternative and creative, and less warm and practical like I am. It makes sense that I was finding myself interested in guys (and women, etc.) who were the way I wanted to be and be viewed; it also makes sense that they didn't want to date me (OK, that still doesn't make sense to me *ha!* but I can understand.)
That was my personal a-ha moment, but your experience and situation might be completely different. Maybe you're a nerdy person interested in guys who are super nerdy but who don't appreciate your nerdiness because they're insecure in their own geek identity. Conversely, maybe you're looking to date men who are the opposite of nerdy and don't appreciate your geekiness. Maybe it's something completely different and my story doesn't help at all. But then other MeFites can give you helpful advice so it's all good! (Random follow-up, not that you were wondering: I kept my beloved 9-to-5 but also found new ways to be and be recognized as creative and alternative, so it all worked out! And my partner loves this part of me that those in the scene never really recognized and/or cared about.)
And, if all else fails, just remember that this goes both ways. There are surely plenty of guys in your past, most of whom you didn't even notice, who would have LOVED to date you. But you weren't and will never be interested in them, and that's totally OK for everyone involved. That's life, and I found remembering this helped me keep things in check. Having sympathy for others helped me not feel too sorry for myself, occasionally having a little self-pity isn't all bad either. Good luck!
posted by smorgasbord at 9:25 PM on October 24, 2015 [10 favorites]
I think some people get lucky but for most, especially those of us in our 30s, it can feel like an uphill slog (and the hill is slick with mud!)
Hang in there and keep putting yourself out there. Think about any of the guys you may have rejected. Now, some of them may have been creeps, but odds are most of those guys were nice guys that you just weren't romantically interested in, because chemistry is a mysterious creature. Would you tell any of those guys to stop trying? Of course not!
I think it's natural for your confidence to take a beat-down, but you have control over how long you let it keep you down. Still licking your wounds after a week? Of course you are, rejection sucks! But as time goes on, don't let it hold you back. You are a rad lady, your friends think you're pretty great, and as you yourself said- you are eminently dateable!
Keep on keepin on :)
posted by raw sugar at 11:22 PM on October 24, 2015
Hang in there and keep putting yourself out there. Think about any of the guys you may have rejected. Now, some of them may have been creeps, but odds are most of those guys were nice guys that you just weren't romantically interested in, because chemistry is a mysterious creature. Would you tell any of those guys to stop trying? Of course not!
I think it's natural for your confidence to take a beat-down, but you have control over how long you let it keep you down. Still licking your wounds after a week? Of course you are, rejection sucks! But as time goes on, don't let it hold you back. You are a rad lady, your friends think you're pretty great, and as you yourself said- you are eminently dateable!
Keep on keepin on :)
posted by raw sugar at 11:22 PM on October 24, 2015
I once had a friend who was a lot older than me. A long time ago, when I was just starting to get into dating and stuff, I was venting to her about some situation where I was rejected by one of my friends who I was attracted to. And somewhere in our conversation, she explained dating to me--sometimes person A is attracted to person B but not the other way around. And sometimes person B is attracted to person C but not the other way around. But every once in a while, two people meet who happen to both be attracted to each other.
I don't know why, but something about the simple and straightforward way she put it sort of comforts me, and I think about it every time I get rejected (also I think about it when I reject other people...). Somewhere there are people who you are attracted to who happen to be attracted to you too, you just haven't encountered them in a while.
posted by picklenickle at 11:39 PM on October 24, 2015 [3 favorites]
I don't know why, but something about the simple and straightforward way she put it sort of comforts me, and I think about it every time I get rejected (also I think about it when I reject other people...). Somewhere there are people who you are attracted to who happen to be attracted to you too, you just haven't encountered them in a while.
posted by picklenickle at 11:39 PM on October 24, 2015 [3 favorites]
Best answer: My entire romantic history is essentially a series of unrequited crushes, followed by severe doldrums after being rejected. I can never take a hint, I always press the point and make them actually say 'I'm not into you dude'. Sucks.
This is such a cliche, but something that has always helped me get over them has been ... work and exercise. I tend to turn these rejections into metaphors--I'll never do anything with my life, no one will ever like me, I'm useless at everything. For some reason, setting realistic goals for myself and achieving them helps tilt the metaphor back to reality.
Last year after a bad breakup, I decided to expand my cooking repertoire and learn to roast goose, duck, chicken and turkey. I told my friends, invited them over for my experiments, did a bunch of research online for techniques. Two years ago, after another unrequited crush, I decided to jog to the end of all of London's Tube lines, just to see what they were like.
Both of these achievements were totally arbitrary, of course, but they didn't feel that way. Completing a project, no matter how fake or silly, makes me feel like a) I can do actual stuff and b) someone else might find this stuff cool too. In the same way I turn my rejections into metaphors, I turn my successes into them too: I'm a pretty capable dude—I ran to Uxbridge today!
This is quite silly, but for me at least, it helps.
posted by Tenzing_Norgay at 1:51 AM on October 25, 2015 [14 favorites]
This is such a cliche, but something that has always helped me get over them has been ... work and exercise. I tend to turn these rejections into metaphors--I'll never do anything with my life, no one will ever like me, I'm useless at everything. For some reason, setting realistic goals for myself and achieving them helps tilt the metaphor back to reality.
Last year after a bad breakup, I decided to expand my cooking repertoire and learn to roast goose, duck, chicken and turkey. I told my friends, invited them over for my experiments, did a bunch of research online for techniques. Two years ago, after another unrequited crush, I decided to jog to the end of all of London's Tube lines, just to see what they were like.
Both of these achievements were totally arbitrary, of course, but they didn't feel that way. Completing a project, no matter how fake or silly, makes me feel like a) I can do actual stuff and b) someone else might find this stuff cool too. In the same way I turn my rejections into metaphors, I turn my successes into them too: I'm a pretty capable dude—I ran to Uxbridge today!
This is quite silly, but for me at least, it helps.
posted by Tenzing_Norgay at 1:51 AM on October 25, 2015 [14 favorites]
If you've had happy relationships in the past, can you think back to moments from them? Not in a way that moons over the past, but to remember the compliments you got before, and how you were able to see yourself more generously through those things.
Your spirit is commendable in maintaining confidence and setting boundaries. Good luck.
posted by mermaidcafe at 6:19 PM on October 25, 2015 [1 favorite]
Your spirit is commendable in maintaining confidence and setting boundaries. Good luck.
posted by mermaidcafe at 6:19 PM on October 25, 2015 [1 favorite]
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True but the more you do it the less it will take out of you. And good for you for doing it!
Also I want to call out:
I know that there's nothing actively wrong with me.
I actually think I am eminently datable!
I tend to take it for granted that people will like me.
These are GREAT ways to feel! I am telling you, lots of your friends in relationships and people in general do not feel this way. it sounds like you do have confidence, it's just taken a little beating, and that's fine. I think removing the profile for a little is fine, but not the avoiding situations part. Try to go out and just talk to people as friends, see how that goes. Practice your abilities to be warm and caring and interested in other people in all situations - friends, work, coffee shop barista, etc. Not in a flirty way, just a warm happy chill way.
Something that helps me when I'm going through a rough patch with anything is giving myself an amount of time to be upset and withdraw or whatever I want to do (although I'm odd in that I get more social when depressed/upset) and then I have to reset my habits. So write down some things you're going to do when you reset your habits, write them down, give yourself three weeks (or whatever) to feel bad and sad and jealous of your friends and why me, and then get back to your habit list and follow it.
posted by zutalors! at 5:23 PM on October 24, 2015 [3 favorites]