How can I move past betrayal in a good relationship?
October 6, 2015 6:39 PM Subscribe
I am in a slightly long distance relationship of 6 months. We have history and are very serious for the time-frame. Four days ago, my girlfriend spontaneously agreed to hang out with her ex boyfriend when he called her. The next day she told me, claiming to have "emotionally cheated." During this talk she opened up about many things, including hanging out with her ex one other time a month into our relationship, making out with him then and similar, but not sex. Before this discussion, we were at a significant high point in our relationship. How do I move past feelings of betrayal? Should I?
Reasons to break up:
-Serious, bad emotional effects I'm uncertain if I can move past
-Girlfriend is tiring of feeling bad about it, could be much more supportive
Reasons not to break up:
-good, serious relationship with strong future prospects.
-girlfriend generally very loving/devoted
-not likely to happen again
-love
I'm going to explain some relationship history, to give added perspective to what happened. I have so much trouble with this not because she cheated- a one time thing she feels bad about and won't be repeated- but because of the circumstances and story. This is long, but it helped me to write it, and if anyone does care to read it they will have an idea where I'm coming from.
Due to a windy past, I came into this (our second relationship) with serious emotional issues surrounding her ex-boyfriend. (No, she had not cheated during our past relationship.) I also was quite aware that she was not over him. A month into our relationship, things were going well for us- not shining or spectacular, but good. She was about to leave for Europe with a friend (we live in California.) She would be there for a month and a half, before I joined her for a month. We had decided on a last date for two days before she left. It was meant to be something really good, to solidify our relationship more, to give us something to remember while apart. That day, she was two and a half hours late. The day was very emotionally charged for me. The time I spent waiting for her, without explanation, set me down a series of horrible emotional paths. I became convinced, for literally no reason at all, that she was using the time to say good bye to her ex-boyfriend. By the time she got there I was thoroughly angry. She claimed to have just been at her house, and that she was just being unresponsive. I can usually tell if she's lying, but I believed her, and managed to repress the emotions mostly. She was in a somewhat off mood as well. The date went badly. I hold that day as the beginning of extreme bad feelings surrounding her ex boyfriend. As in, much more extreme. Over the next months while she was in Europe, the feelings I felt that day cropped up again and again at random times; partially because of the trigger from that day, and partially because distance was hard and it bothered me that I knew they still talked. I considered myself largely psychotic for what I felt that day. Four days ago she revealed to me I was right about that day. She was indeed late because she was hanging out, and making out, with her ex. This is, without a doubt, the hardest part for me to get over. That day holds extreme emotional significance for me, and has indirectly lead to most of the problems in our relationship since.
That said, I am impressed and happy that she told me about this (although that should have happened a long time ago.) Further, she is a sometimes timid person who has trouble saying no. Her ex, an extraordinarily forceful person whom she was still in love with, pressured her very hard to have sex, and she did not.
Since then, I know her perspective on our relationship has very much changed. It has become a lot more serious; our time being apart while she was in Europe, as well as travelling/living together for a month there, has made us both realize what we wanted. This is part of what she emphasizes in her explanation. Until two weeks ago though, I was still not fully committed to the relationship- mostly due to fear of commitment. In a series of events and long, long conversations, my perspective was completely changed, and for the first time in my life I truly wanted to be with someone long-term. This was the best part of our relationship on both sides, and culminated just before she went home, two days before she hung out with her ex again.
Hanging out with him this time seems to be what she feels most guilty about. Mostly this is because she is so much more committed to our relationship now. However, she didn't physically cheat, and honestly this doesn't bother me nearly as much. She told me about this, along with everything else, the day after it happened. I also know she will not cheat again. She has now completely broken off communication with her ex. I am quite confident she wouldn't cheat with anyone else. I will not list all the reasons I believe this, but let us have this discussion assuming she will be faithful.
I would really like to stay in this relationship. I like the idea of pursuing other options, and I'm not afraid to end it. But I love her, and we are compatible in many, many ways. I can't seem to stop replaying our date in my head, analyzing every move she made from this new perspective. I can't stop the image of them making out, on that day while I was waiting in anger. She takes all the blame for what happened. However, I can tell she is tired of talking about it. She became resentful after a time. She clearly still wants the relationship, but she's not really giving me the support I need or demonstrating her love.
I am not dealing well with it. I feel better than I did initially, but if I give myself a few seconds to think my mind goes right back to the issue. I haven't slept more than two hours at nights since she told me, and I feel too sick to eat much. I am student in an intense college program, and haven't been able to glance at my work. The person she cheated with already has too much power in my mind. Back when I worried about it, I had made the decision that if she cheated with him, I would end the relationship.
So, after pages of rambling, what can I do? I want to forgive her, but I don't know how. I want her to show me more how much she cares, and demonstrate her love and support more. I want a future with her, but thinking of her makes me feel sick. How can I let this go, and how do I know if I should let the relationship go instead?
Reasons to break up:
-Serious, bad emotional effects I'm uncertain if I can move past
-Girlfriend is tiring of feeling bad about it, could be much more supportive
Reasons not to break up:
-good, serious relationship with strong future prospects.
-girlfriend generally very loving/devoted
-not likely to happen again
-love
I'm going to explain some relationship history, to give added perspective to what happened. I have so much trouble with this not because she cheated- a one time thing she feels bad about and won't be repeated- but because of the circumstances and story. This is long, but it helped me to write it, and if anyone does care to read it they will have an idea where I'm coming from.
Due to a windy past, I came into this (our second relationship) with serious emotional issues surrounding her ex-boyfriend. (No, she had not cheated during our past relationship.) I also was quite aware that she was not over him. A month into our relationship, things were going well for us- not shining or spectacular, but good. She was about to leave for Europe with a friend (we live in California.) She would be there for a month and a half, before I joined her for a month. We had decided on a last date for two days before she left. It was meant to be something really good, to solidify our relationship more, to give us something to remember while apart. That day, she was two and a half hours late. The day was very emotionally charged for me. The time I spent waiting for her, without explanation, set me down a series of horrible emotional paths. I became convinced, for literally no reason at all, that she was using the time to say good bye to her ex-boyfriend. By the time she got there I was thoroughly angry. She claimed to have just been at her house, and that she was just being unresponsive. I can usually tell if she's lying, but I believed her, and managed to repress the emotions mostly. She was in a somewhat off mood as well. The date went badly. I hold that day as the beginning of extreme bad feelings surrounding her ex boyfriend. As in, much more extreme. Over the next months while she was in Europe, the feelings I felt that day cropped up again and again at random times; partially because of the trigger from that day, and partially because distance was hard and it bothered me that I knew they still talked. I considered myself largely psychotic for what I felt that day. Four days ago she revealed to me I was right about that day. She was indeed late because she was hanging out, and making out, with her ex. This is, without a doubt, the hardest part for me to get over. That day holds extreme emotional significance for me, and has indirectly lead to most of the problems in our relationship since.
That said, I am impressed and happy that she told me about this (although that should have happened a long time ago.) Further, she is a sometimes timid person who has trouble saying no. Her ex, an extraordinarily forceful person whom she was still in love with, pressured her very hard to have sex, and she did not.
Since then, I know her perspective on our relationship has very much changed. It has become a lot more serious; our time being apart while she was in Europe, as well as travelling/living together for a month there, has made us both realize what we wanted. This is part of what she emphasizes in her explanation. Until two weeks ago though, I was still not fully committed to the relationship- mostly due to fear of commitment. In a series of events and long, long conversations, my perspective was completely changed, and for the first time in my life I truly wanted to be with someone long-term. This was the best part of our relationship on both sides, and culminated just before she went home, two days before she hung out with her ex again.
Hanging out with him this time seems to be what she feels most guilty about. Mostly this is because she is so much more committed to our relationship now. However, she didn't physically cheat, and honestly this doesn't bother me nearly as much. She told me about this, along with everything else, the day after it happened. I also know she will not cheat again. She has now completely broken off communication with her ex. I am quite confident she wouldn't cheat with anyone else. I will not list all the reasons I believe this, but let us have this discussion assuming she will be faithful.
I would really like to stay in this relationship. I like the idea of pursuing other options, and I'm not afraid to end it. But I love her, and we are compatible in many, many ways. I can't seem to stop replaying our date in my head, analyzing every move she made from this new perspective. I can't stop the image of them making out, on that day while I was waiting in anger. She takes all the blame for what happened. However, I can tell she is tired of talking about it. She became resentful after a time. She clearly still wants the relationship, but she's not really giving me the support I need or demonstrating her love.
I am not dealing well with it. I feel better than I did initially, but if I give myself a few seconds to think my mind goes right back to the issue. I haven't slept more than two hours at nights since she told me, and I feel too sick to eat much. I am student in an intense college program, and haven't been able to glance at my work. The person she cheated with already has too much power in my mind. Back when I worried about it, I had made the decision that if she cheated with him, I would end the relationship.
So, after pages of rambling, what can I do? I want to forgive her, but I don't know how. I want her to show me more how much she cares, and demonstrate her love and support more. I want a future with her, but thinking of her makes me feel sick. How can I let this go, and how do I know if I should let the relationship go instead?
It is unreasonable and unrealistic to expect her to be the one for you to process on this with. "Supporting" you as a loving partner doesn't include extended self-flagellation.
As to forgiving her... she made out with an ex boyfriend a month into dating you. You yourself were not fully committed to the relationship until far more recently than that. This is not "cheating" and you are sabotaging any chance of this relationship working by defining it to yourself that way. I'd be more upset that she was late to your date, which is a manners issue.
More recently, she... talked with him? I don't know what "emotionally cheated" is, do you?
Look, it's easy. It's all about how you define things. I don't define what she did as cheating, but if you do, and you're this angry about it, then just break up with her. But you can choose to see her as having had a last make out session with an ex, before either of you were committed to the relationship, and then just get over it already. Love is worth it. Good luck.
posted by fingersandtoes at 7:01 PM on October 6, 2015 [5 favorites]
As to forgiving her... she made out with an ex boyfriend a month into dating you. You yourself were not fully committed to the relationship until far more recently than that. This is not "cheating" and you are sabotaging any chance of this relationship working by defining it to yourself that way. I'd be more upset that she was late to your date, which is a manners issue.
More recently, she... talked with him? I don't know what "emotionally cheated" is, do you?
Look, it's easy. It's all about how you define things. I don't define what she did as cheating, but if you do, and you're this angry about it, then just break up with her. But you can choose to see her as having had a last make out session with an ex, before either of you were committed to the relationship, and then just get over it already. Love is worth it. Good luck.
posted by fingersandtoes at 7:01 PM on October 6, 2015 [5 favorites]
DTMFA. Save yourself future pain. My ex did this and he hid so much more from me. Find someone truthful who will honour you and your relationship. 6 months? LDR? She didn't tell you everything at once but slowly revealed the truth? The writing is on the wall. The first year you get to know someone and are dating is critical in determining the kind of relationship you have and if you want to stay in it for the future. Sometimes what we want isn't what's good for us. This relationship isn't good for you. This person isn't good for you. Look at how she has treated you. You deserve better. She's testing your boundaries to see if this is behavior she can get away with and how far she can manipulate you. To see what she can get from your love for her. Ask me how I know.
posted by lunastellasol at 7:16 PM on October 6, 2015 [4 favorites]
posted by lunastellasol at 7:16 PM on October 6, 2015 [4 favorites]
Let her go. Not for being honest now, but for the months of crap her lies put you through.
Unfortunately, the reason that the "crazy" idea kept creeping back into your mind was because it was true. You've both learned something about the consequences of lying. Sometimes we are not as smart as we think we are, and consequences do exist.
I don't think it's possible to move past this. If you think it IS possible, and preferable, to move past this, than please forgive with and open heart and move forward happily.
IDK. I think it is over. What do you think?
posted by jbenben at 7:24 PM on October 6, 2015 [5 favorites]
Unfortunately, the reason that the "crazy" idea kept creeping back into your mind was because it was true. You've both learned something about the consequences of lying. Sometimes we are not as smart as we think we are, and consequences do exist.
I don't think it's possible to move past this. If you think it IS possible, and preferable, to move past this, than please forgive with and open heart and move forward happily.
IDK. I think it is over. What do you think?
posted by jbenben at 7:24 PM on October 6, 2015 [5 favorites]
She is cheating on you with her ex. Her being honest about it doesn't make it okay. She will continue to cheat on you with her ex. When someone shows you who they truly are, believe it. She has shown you that she values his feelings more than yours. She has shown you that she is incredibly selfish. She has shown you that you cannot trust her.
For the sake of your future love, the one who deserves your trust, break this one off before you become so bitter and scarred that you can never trust again.
Her actions have nothing to do with you. This is all her. She was broken when you got her. Don't let her break you too. You deserve better.
posted by myselfasme at 7:29 PM on October 6, 2015 [7 favorites]
For the sake of your future love, the one who deserves your trust, break this one off before you become so bitter and scarred that you can never trust again.
Her actions have nothing to do with you. This is all her. She was broken when you got her. Don't let her break you too. You deserve better.
posted by myselfasme at 7:29 PM on October 6, 2015 [7 favorites]
It's your call whether you think you can actually get over this or not, but I think IF you choose to stay together, you need to let it go completely and forgive. It sounds like the first incident was before you two were really committed, and the second just involved a conversation of some sort (not clear on the details there). The lying would bother me more than anything else, but again you can decide whether it's something you can forgive or not. But what won't work is trying to stay together while continuing to hang on to this, obsess about it, and punish your girlfriend for it. It sounds like you want her to go over the top in some big display of how terrible she is, and that's not really productive for anyone. Either you can fully forgive her, or not -- don't try to stay together but keep constantly bringing up the incident or making undermining comments, etc. If you really believe she will be faithful (and honest) in the future, then trust in that and build a relationship on that.
That said, in my experience, once you start making pro-con lists about a romantic relationship, it's already pretty much over.
posted by rainbowbrite at 7:30 PM on October 6, 2015 [2 favorites]
That said, in my experience, once you start making pro-con lists about a romantic relationship, it's already pretty much over.
posted by rainbowbrite at 7:30 PM on October 6, 2015 [2 favorites]
Best answer: Did she say why she told you now? It sounds like one of the reasons would be that she wants to be sure she never does it again, and using you as her checkup person on that (like how weight loss or kicking alcohol works best for people who involve their family/friends in that process). In some sense she told you because she's asking for your support, and to reassure you that you love her - and you're complaining that she's not giving you enough love and support. I'm not saying you're wrong - she screwed up, it's not your job to make everything okay! But she's also in an emotionally tenuous position, and just spent a lot of emotional energy on this confession and apology, so she may not have much to give. Especially when you're so upset that anything she gives isn't enough (of course it's not enough! there's nothing she can do to fix this!) this whole discussion is an emotional black hole that sucks all the love and positive energy out of both of you. Be patient. Take some time away, let yourself heal. Set a time and place to meet her in 2 weeks, and separate until then.
In the meantime, think about what makes you the most angry. that she met up with her ex? that she lied? that she cared/cares about him? that she kissed him? that she might still miss him? that she confessed in a big way, meaning it was a big deal to her not just an accident? that it's not a big enough deal to her? that she doesn't realize how hurt you are? that she knows you're hurt but doesn't seem to care? The better you can articulate the one or two reasons why you're angry, the more chance your relationship has of addressing that, and healing. If you're angry about everything, that means she'll apologize broadly about everything, and nothing will really get worked through.
Or heck, if she makes you so mad you can't see straight, just dump her. But spending the next two weeks together having the same argument over and over is just like picking a scab, it'll never heal.
posted by aimedwander at 7:34 PM on October 6, 2015 [8 favorites]
In the meantime, think about what makes you the most angry. that she met up with her ex? that she lied? that she cared/cares about him? that she kissed him? that she might still miss him? that she confessed in a big way, meaning it was a big deal to her not just an accident? that it's not a big enough deal to her? that she doesn't realize how hurt you are? that she knows you're hurt but doesn't seem to care? The better you can articulate the one or two reasons why you're angry, the more chance your relationship has of addressing that, and healing. If you're angry about everything, that means she'll apologize broadly about everything, and nothing will really get worked through.
Or heck, if she makes you so mad you can't see straight, just dump her. But spending the next two weeks together having the same argument over and over is just like picking a scab, it'll never heal.
posted by aimedwander at 7:34 PM on October 6, 2015 [8 favorites]
If you have to ask the question, it's too late. No matter what happens the relationship is already weakened for any future, inevitable rough patch. Loss of trust coupled with thoughts of ending a relationship don't mean that a relationship will end immediately, but it does mean that it will end.
posted by durandal at 7:34 PM on October 6, 2015
posted by durandal at 7:34 PM on October 6, 2015
I also know she will not cheat again
This is a wish, not something you know. Move on. Next time, don't date someone who is hung up on someone else.
posted by Tanizaki at 7:40 PM on October 6, 2015 [2 favorites]
This is a wish, not something you know. Move on. Next time, don't date someone who is hung up on someone else.
posted by Tanizaki at 7:40 PM on October 6, 2015 [2 favorites]
why waste your time at this point?
posted by Postroad at 7:41 PM on October 6, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by Postroad at 7:41 PM on October 6, 2015 [1 favorite]
Best answer: Do you feel like you can't do better?
The woman I just married was actually living with her ex for a while after we started dating (bought a house with them, bad life situation), but in no way wanted to be with him, and moved out as soon as it was practical. "Not likely to happen again" is a bad assessment, because this is apparently the kind of person who looks back a lot - too much. Life isn't about looking back, and there's more to this than just the feeling of betrayal: there's the fact that she dumped a person but felt like maintaining an inappropriate emotional intimacy.
Also, this is your second go-around! What on earth makes you think it'll work better the second time?
I have never, ever found an instance where a couple that broke up once shouldn't have called it quits at that first time. If you break up once, there are enough things wrong that it probably should not be picked up again. Thinking otherwise is willful delusion. Even if you only broke up previously because you two needed a break or had weird feelings, it reveals something about you two. And you're only six months into this relationship and feeling like there are some deep-seated problems.
Is this person the best you could possibly do? If you didn't care about emotional/physical monogamy, I wouldn't bother bringing it up. But it looks like it matters to you a great deal, and she does not reciprocate those feelings enough to not do something troubling, meaning you have fundamental irreconcilable differences. Feeling guilty about something one did isn't better than not doing it in the first place. This isn't a one-time-deal after 10 years together. Perspective argues you are better served by finding someone who takes relationships as seriously as you do.
posted by Strudel at 7:55 PM on October 6, 2015 [7 favorites]
The woman I just married was actually living with her ex for a while after we started dating (bought a house with them, bad life situation), but in no way wanted to be with him, and moved out as soon as it was practical. "Not likely to happen again" is a bad assessment, because this is apparently the kind of person who looks back a lot - too much. Life isn't about looking back, and there's more to this than just the feeling of betrayal: there's the fact that she dumped a person but felt like maintaining an inappropriate emotional intimacy.
Also, this is your second go-around! What on earth makes you think it'll work better the second time?
I have never, ever found an instance where a couple that broke up once shouldn't have called it quits at that first time. If you break up once, there are enough things wrong that it probably should not be picked up again. Thinking otherwise is willful delusion. Even if you only broke up previously because you two needed a break or had weird feelings, it reveals something about you two. And you're only six months into this relationship and feeling like there are some deep-seated problems.
Is this person the best you could possibly do? If you didn't care about emotional/physical monogamy, I wouldn't bother bringing it up. But it looks like it matters to you a great deal, and she does not reciprocate those feelings enough to not do something troubling, meaning you have fundamental irreconcilable differences. Feeling guilty about something one did isn't better than not doing it in the first place. This isn't a one-time-deal after 10 years together. Perspective argues you are better served by finding someone who takes relationships as seriously as you do.
posted by Strudel at 7:55 PM on October 6, 2015 [7 favorites]
You'll be happier if you break up with her. Ditching you to spend time with your ex and then lying about it and trying to get you to doubt your own judgement is pretty shitty. I doubt they really stopped short of having sex then, too.
posted by alphanerd at 7:57 PM on October 6, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by alphanerd at 7:57 PM on October 6, 2015 [1 favorite]
My rule of thumb: When you type out three screens worth of details and pros and cons and tldrs and whatever, the thing you say last is how you really feel, and you're really just asking permission to do that thing.
...thinking of her makes me feel sick.
Dump her.
posted by Etrigan at 8:02 PM on October 6, 2015 [8 favorites]
...thinking of her makes me feel sick.
Dump her.
posted by Etrigan at 8:02 PM on October 6, 2015 [8 favorites]
She's a liar and she's still emotionally wrapped up with her ex (hence the recent hanging out.) You guys haven't been together long enough and aren't in close enough proximity to hang tight while you (as a couple) work through her lying and emotional attachment to her ex.
I would say break up with her and make an appointment to talk with someone at your school counseling center, to help keep your head straight as you deal with your challenging program.
If you decide not to break up, you and she together need to agree on what constitutes good faith efforts going forward and then you need to drop it. She has to be on board though. If you pressure her to, for instance, no longer see the ex, but she still actually wants to, she'll just do it and lie.
posted by Squeak Attack at 8:12 PM on October 6, 2015
I would say break up with her and make an appointment to talk with someone at your school counseling center, to help keep your head straight as you deal with your challenging program.
If you decide not to break up, you and she together need to agree on what constitutes good faith efforts going forward and then you need to drop it. She has to be on board though. If you pressure her to, for instance, no longer see the ex, but she still actually wants to, she'll just do it and lie.
posted by Squeak Attack at 8:12 PM on October 6, 2015
I want to make sure I have this straight.
You guys are long distance.
She cheated on you with an ex who is available to her (same location, single, etc).
You've broken up and gotten back together before.
A month into the relationship things were already going badly.
You guys went long distance early in the relationship, while things were already rocky.
Assuming all of that is true?
DTMFA.
I'm confused where the traveling comes into the long distance thing, but the details don't matter. This relationship is not going to last. Just move on already.
posted by Sara C. at 8:51 PM on October 6, 2015 [4 favorites]
You guys are long distance.
She cheated on you with an ex who is available to her (same location, single, etc).
You've broken up and gotten back together before.
A month into the relationship things were already going badly.
You guys went long distance early in the relationship, while things were already rocky.
Assuming all of that is true?
DTMFA.
I'm confused where the traveling comes into the long distance thing, but the details don't matter. This relationship is not going to last. Just move on already.
posted by Sara C. at 8:51 PM on October 6, 2015 [4 favorites]
I forgave (well, attempted to forgive) an ex who did something very similar with his ex. I think in my head I was going "He must be so grateful that I have forgiven him after doing something so awful! He is thinking - look how great she is! I must never fuck up again!" In fact, he was thinking something like "What a mug! She let me get away with that, now what else can I get away with?" When eventually, after four years of outrageous behaviour, he gave me the boot (unbelievably, for being "too angry") you can probably guess who he went running straight back to.
My biggest regret is that I didn't DTMFA after the first incident, when I just could have looked back and gone "what an arsehole he turned out to be", but instead let this drag on and on until it had a very serious effect on my mental health.
To summarise, I think the damage is done - get out.
posted by intensitymultiply at 9:04 PM on October 6, 2015 [6 favorites]
My biggest regret is that I didn't DTMFA after the first incident, when I just could have looked back and gone "what an arsehole he turned out to be", but instead let this drag on and on until it had a very serious effect on my mental health.
To summarise, I think the damage is done - get out.
posted by intensitymultiply at 9:04 PM on October 6, 2015 [6 favorites]
Four days ago she revealed to me I was right about that day. She was indeed late because she was hanging out, and making out, with her ex.
dump her with extreme prejudice. this is something you will never. ever. get past with her. you'll never be able to trust her.
posted by jayder at 9:29 PM on October 6, 2015 [6 favorites]
dump her with extreme prejudice. this is something you will never. ever. get past with her. you'll never be able to trust her.
posted by jayder at 9:29 PM on October 6, 2015 [6 favorites]
and I wouldn't bet my life on her "make out sesh" not including sex. I mean, it's not like you can trust her so her account of what happened is not gospel truth.
posted by jayder at 9:31 PM on October 6, 2015 [4 favorites]
posted by jayder at 9:31 PM on October 6, 2015 [4 favorites]
You learned to trust your gut. Congrats! I didn't learn until I was married. Now I'm getting divorced. There are a lot of women out there who won't lie to you, go find one.
posted by Kwine at 9:45 PM on October 6, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by Kwine at 9:45 PM on October 6, 2015 [2 favorites]
I can usually tell if she's lying,
I stopped reading after this point.
Seriously ask yourself why you'd consider sticking around in a relationship where you have to vet a person's words against their dishonest "tells." This ain't a game of poker.
posted by St. Peepsburg at 12:48 AM on October 7, 2015 [11 favorites]
I stopped reading after this point.
Seriously ask yourself why you'd consider sticking around in a relationship where you have to vet a person's words against their dishonest "tells." This ain't a game of poker.
posted by St. Peepsburg at 12:48 AM on October 7, 2015 [11 favorites]
She's just not that into you. She still has feelings for someone else. And that someone else was receiving her attention while she was supposed to be on a date with you. What else is there to know?
I'm sorry, but you should let her go. She's already in the process of letting you go. You just don't know if it will take weeks or months or years. Cut your losses now and end it yourself. You deserve someone who makes you the priority.
posted by ImproviseOrDie at 2:28 AM on October 7, 2015 [2 favorites]
I'm sorry, but you should let her go. She's already in the process of letting you go. You just don't know if it will take weeks or months or years. Cut your losses now and end it yourself. You deserve someone who makes you the priority.
posted by ImproviseOrDie at 2:28 AM on October 7, 2015 [2 favorites]
Take it from someone who didn't want to believe and thought they could change a person...go with your gut feeling....let her go, get past it, and start dating again...things will work out. Good luck.
posted by irish01 at 4:02 AM on October 7, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by irish01 at 4:02 AM on October 7, 2015 [1 favorite]
I'm really sorry. Having been through something similar my advice would be to walk. I gave my ex a second chance because I wanted to be sure that I wasn't throwing away a relationship over one blip. But he just cheated again and again.
Think about this: if someone can be unfaithful to you twice (at least twice) in the first six months of your relationship - which I would think would be the honeymoon period - how do you expect the relationship to fare over many years? Can you trust that person going into the future, when your relationship will no doubt go through rougher waters?
posted by kinddieserzeit at 4:41 AM on October 7, 2015 [3 favorites]
Think about this: if someone can be unfaithful to you twice (at least twice) in the first six months of your relationship - which I would think would be the honeymoon period - how do you expect the relationship to fare over many years? Can you trust that person going into the future, when your relationship will no doubt go through rougher waters?
posted by kinddieserzeit at 4:41 AM on October 7, 2015 [3 favorites]
To answer your first question - you can't, because you don't get betrayed in good relationships.
posted by Jon Mitchell at 5:21 AM on October 7, 2015 [4 favorites]
posted by Jon Mitchell at 5:21 AM on October 7, 2015 [4 favorites]
Whether it was wrong that she did what she did, or not, you are not going to be able to forget this. It is hurting you. By staying with her, whether she doesn't do it again or not, you are going to keep hurting over and over again and you deserve better than that.
posted by shesbenevolent at 7:15 AM on October 7, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by shesbenevolent at 7:15 AM on October 7, 2015 [1 favorite]
How do I know if I should let the relationship go instead?
She cheated on you five months ago (and made you wait for her for two and half hours while doing so) and cheated on you four days ago, and these are only the times that you know about. Why do you think she will stop cheating on you?
posted by Enchanting Grasshopper at 9:54 AM on October 7, 2015 [2 favorites]
She cheated on you five months ago (and made you wait for her for two and half hours while doing so) and cheated on you four days ago, and these are only the times that you know about. Why do you think she will stop cheating on you?
posted by Enchanting Grasshopper at 9:54 AM on October 7, 2015 [2 favorites]
Your gut was right the first time. She chose to let you suffer and tie yourself in knots trying to deny what you knew on some level was the truth. Now, she finally fesses up to some bad behavior and your gut says let the relationship go - you feel sick every time you think of her. You were right before and made yourself sick ignoring your own instincts. Are you going to believe yourself this time?
posted by zug at 3:36 PM on October 7, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by zug at 3:36 PM on October 7, 2015 [2 favorites]
I really doubt it was a high point previous to her cheating. She probably felt neglected or couldn't talk to you and felt alone.
That doesn't excuse her fucked up behavior. At the end of the day, this woman is not good for you and you're not good for her.
posted by discopolo at 10:16 PM on October 7, 2015 [1 favorite]
That doesn't excuse her fucked up behavior. At the end of the day, this woman is not good for you and you're not good for her.
posted by discopolo at 10:16 PM on October 7, 2015 [1 favorite]
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And in your next relationship, don't imagine your girl as a damsel under the spell of a forceful ex. Women are adults with agency, just as men are.
posted by headnsouth at 6:54 PM on October 6, 2015 [40 favorites]