Relaxation tips for one with little time to relax
September 1, 2015 7:30 AM Subscribe
For me, 2015 is a year that I'm keen to see come to an end soon. I've been working stupidly long hours in a job I hate, and though I'm now changing jobs I won't — for financial reasons — be able to take any vacations before the end of the year. How can I go about getting some of my energy back whilst still working a 40-hour week.
The short version of the job I hate is that it was a with a company that, whilst not being a startup, operates like one. My boss has several times sent out an email containing the phrase "I expect all evening and weekend plans to be cancelled" because of deadlines that were about to be missed (due to understaffing and overcommitment). Looking back, I've worked on average no less than 70 hours a week since the start of the year. I've used up all of my vacation time already.
I'm leaving and, as of next week, starting a new role — as a contractor. This means that I won't get any paid vacation or sick time, and due to a number of financial blows this year I can't afford to take time off unpaid before January (I've run the numbers several times on this).
I know that I'm close to being burned out, and whilst the new job will be much saner, hours-wise (40 hours max a week, finishing early on Fridays) I know that I won't really have time to recover all that much.
At weekends I'm often busy with my SO, who is going through her own busy and often difficult time (2015 has sucked for both of us), and whilst we'd love to have time to relax together we just don't seem to be able to get as much of it as we'd like.
Finally, I'm an introvert, so I recharge best on my own — but I want to be there to support my partner, and she, being an extrovert, struggles when I take time for myself (which is in short supply anyway). I don't want to leave her unsupported when things are difficult, so I'm trying to work out how I can support her and practise some self-care.
In summary: I'm looking for ways that I can refill my cup without having huge blocks of time to devote to it. I've tried mindfulness meditation and that helps a bit, but I find it hard to focus for very long. I don't have much time to devote to hobbies, but I'm willing to try. Is there anything that you've found super helpful in keeping your energy levels up whilst leading an unavoidably busy life?
The short version of the job I hate is that it was a with a company that, whilst not being a startup, operates like one. My boss has several times sent out an email containing the phrase "I expect all evening and weekend plans to be cancelled" because of deadlines that were about to be missed (due to understaffing and overcommitment). Looking back, I've worked on average no less than 70 hours a week since the start of the year. I've used up all of my vacation time already.
I'm leaving and, as of next week, starting a new role — as a contractor. This means that I won't get any paid vacation or sick time, and due to a number of financial blows this year I can't afford to take time off unpaid before January (I've run the numbers several times on this).
I know that I'm close to being burned out, and whilst the new job will be much saner, hours-wise (40 hours max a week, finishing early on Fridays) I know that I won't really have time to recover all that much.
At weekends I'm often busy with my SO, who is going through her own busy and often difficult time (2015 has sucked for both of us), and whilst we'd love to have time to relax together we just don't seem to be able to get as much of it as we'd like.
Finally, I'm an introvert, so I recharge best on my own — but I want to be there to support my partner, and she, being an extrovert, struggles when I take time for myself (which is in short supply anyway). I don't want to leave her unsupported when things are difficult, so I'm trying to work out how I can support her and practise some self-care.
In summary: I'm looking for ways that I can refill my cup without having huge blocks of time to devote to it. I've tried mindfulness meditation and that helps a bit, but I find it hard to focus for very long. I don't have much time to devote to hobbies, but I'm willing to try. Is there anything that you've found super helpful in keeping your energy levels up whilst leading an unavoidably busy life?
Absolutely block time off for yourself. If your SO can't understand why you need alone time, then that person isn't supporting you, and a one-sided relationship isn't a good relationship for anyone. Make an appointment every weekend (it doesn't have to be all day, but maybe a whole morning or afternoon) where you shut off the phone, and the computer, and all distractions (including time with the SO) and just do what relaxes you, be that yoga or reading a good book or getting a massage or just vegging. Your time is worthwhile, so treat it (and yourself) like it's worthwhile.
posted by xingcat at 8:06 AM on September 1, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by xingcat at 8:06 AM on September 1, 2015 [1 favorite]
Best answer: I find that I feel incredible after 15 minutes of meditation. It might seem like a long time to "do nothing" but there are some great guides out there to get you started. Purposely quieting my busy mind has saved me so much sanity over the years. Good luck!
posted by CravenRaven27 at 8:22 AM on September 1, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by CravenRaven27 at 8:22 AM on September 1, 2015 [3 favorites]
Best answer: I've found that solo moderate exercise both gives me alone time and also gives me a chance to think. I personally do yoga or Pilates videos, which I can do on my computer in my living room, are of fixed length, take about half an hour, and occupy my brain enough to keep me from getting bored as I try not to fall over, but don't actually demand intellectual effort. Plus I'm stronger, have more energy, and a number of my annoying RSI symptoms have gone away.
posted by The Elusive Architeuthis at 8:32 AM on September 1, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by The Elusive Architeuthis at 8:32 AM on September 1, 2015 [2 favorites]
I vote for either journaling or meditation. With both, I feel like my brain fully resets and recharges within about 15 minutes. And both I think help with building long-term mindfulness so while you'll still be stressed, you won't be as stressed about the fact that you're stressed.
posted by neematoad at 8:54 AM on September 1, 2015
posted by neematoad at 8:54 AM on September 1, 2015
Get a massage. Preferably one that's at least 90 min long. I tend to prefer the Thai style - there's nothing like a little, middle-aged Thai woman walking on your back working the kinks out, to get you to relax.
There's also yoga. Try to find a Restorative Yoga class. Something like this one (in the SF bay area).
posted by Arthur Dent at 9:05 AM on September 1, 2015 [1 favorite]
There's also yoga. Try to find a Restorative Yoga class. Something like this one (in the SF bay area).
posted by Arthur Dent at 9:05 AM on September 1, 2015 [1 favorite]
Can you run or cycle home from work? 30-60mins exercise twice a day will make you fitter, get you some vitamin D (good for mood), and help you decompress after work.
Failing that, go running or swimming or something in the evenings. I know your SO is clingy (and I remember all your old questions) but it is a pretty unreasonable and controlling person who says you can't go out for a run twice a week (if they literally won't allow you to leave the house unchaperoned I think you've mischaracterised your problem a little).
posted by tinkletown at 9:08 AM on September 1, 2015 [2 favorites]
Failing that, go running or swimming or something in the evenings. I know your SO is clingy (and I remember all your old questions) but it is a pretty unreasonable and controlling person who says you can't go out for a run twice a week (if they literally won't allow you to leave the house unchaperoned I think you've mischaracterised your problem a little).
posted by tinkletown at 9:08 AM on September 1, 2015 [2 favorites]
Schedule in one-on-one time with your spouse.
It can really help to have a 15-30 minute catch up when you get home, then time alone for a couple of hours, then more one-on-one time.
Let them know when you will next be spending 'extrovert time' with them, and really try and be ON with them then (physical contact, eye contact!), but don't compromise on the breaks.
Further, check in with them about what kind of attention makes them feel best - not how long, but if it was just 30 minutes, what would feel better?
I had an even more introverted than I BF, and time spent with me where he didn't look me in the face, and avoided sitting next to me on the couch was not helping - I had to keep telling him if he wasn't up for having me around, could he please let me know and get some introvert time instead, so that he could feel genuinely happy to see me when he next saw me?
Being with him when he was telling me he wanted me over, but was avoiding touching me, left me feeling deeply rejected.
And I actually understood the dynamic that was happening! An extrovert might, in desperation, keep trying to spend more time with the introvert, and unwittingly place themselves in a situation where they feel further rejected.
Go for a walk, go for a run, time outside will help.
Go camping for a weekend if you can, or somewhere where you are actually fully away from your responsibilities.
Figure out if you have any money to throw at a stress point to make it go away. Cleaning, massage, food delivery. Someone to come help you sort out a room/throw out stuff, so it doesn't stress you out further.
posted by Elysum at 10:02 AM on September 1, 2015 [2 favorites]
It can really help to have a 15-30 minute catch up when you get home, then time alone for a couple of hours, then more one-on-one time.
Let them know when you will next be spending 'extrovert time' with them, and really try and be ON with them then (physical contact, eye contact!), but don't compromise on the breaks.
Further, check in with them about what kind of attention makes them feel best - not how long, but if it was just 30 minutes, what would feel better?
I had an even more introverted than I BF, and time spent with me where he didn't look me in the face, and avoided sitting next to me on the couch was not helping - I had to keep telling him if he wasn't up for having me around, could he please let me know and get some introvert time instead, so that he could feel genuinely happy to see me when he next saw me?
Being with him when he was telling me he wanted me over, but was avoiding touching me, left me feeling deeply rejected.
And I actually understood the dynamic that was happening! An extrovert might, in desperation, keep trying to spend more time with the introvert, and unwittingly place themselves in a situation where they feel further rejected.
Go for a walk, go for a run, time outside will help.
Go camping for a weekend if you can, or somewhere where you are actually fully away from your responsibilities.
Figure out if you have any money to throw at a stress point to make it go away. Cleaning, massage, food delivery. Someone to come help you sort out a room/throw out stuff, so it doesn't stress you out further.
posted by Elysum at 10:02 AM on September 1, 2015 [2 favorites]
Best answer: I'm also an introvert & I've put some time into learning how to relax.
To find the time: Figure out exactly when you need to re-charge by yourself, e.g., do you need an hour right after work? Or just sometime in the evening? It'll be easier for your SO if you can say you need 60 minutes or 90 minutes to decompress and then afterward you'll spend the evening with them-- as opposed to "I need alone time" and then you disappear for who knows how long. See if you can spend most of a weekend day alone as well. Or maybe just a full afternoon. It is not selfish to negotiate for this.
Regarding how to relax:
If you don't exercise regularly, now is the time to start. If you've been inactive, a 10 or 20 minute walk at lunch, or right after you get home from work, can be hugely helpful. It's both energizing and calming. I know that sounds impossible but it is. On the weekend you can find a trail and go for a bit longer.
If meditation is helpful, try listening to guided meditations. Insight Timer is a great iPhone app with a lot of guided meditations. It also allows you to just do a timed meditation. The headspace app will walk you through exercises to learn mindfulness meditation, if you want to do that.
And finally, a suggestion that's a bit more on the woo side-- consider a few sessions with a licensed hypnotist. They can hypnotize you in the office and give you a recording of the session (my hypnotherapist has a CD recorder for this purpose) and then you can listen to it at home as a relaxation aid.
posted by tuesdayschild at 11:20 AM on September 1, 2015 [1 favorite]
To find the time: Figure out exactly when you need to re-charge by yourself, e.g., do you need an hour right after work? Or just sometime in the evening? It'll be easier for your SO if you can say you need 60 minutes or 90 minutes to decompress and then afterward you'll spend the evening with them-- as opposed to "I need alone time" and then you disappear for who knows how long. See if you can spend most of a weekend day alone as well. Or maybe just a full afternoon. It is not selfish to negotiate for this.
Regarding how to relax:
If you don't exercise regularly, now is the time to start. If you've been inactive, a 10 or 20 minute walk at lunch, or right after you get home from work, can be hugely helpful. It's both energizing and calming. I know that sounds impossible but it is. On the weekend you can find a trail and go for a bit longer.
If meditation is helpful, try listening to guided meditations. Insight Timer is a great iPhone app with a lot of guided meditations. It also allows you to just do a timed meditation. The headspace app will walk you through exercises to learn mindfulness meditation, if you want to do that.
And finally, a suggestion that's a bit more on the woo side-- consider a few sessions with a licensed hypnotist. They can hypnotize you in the office and give you a recording of the session (my hypnotherapist has a CD recorder for this purpose) and then you can listen to it at home as a relaxation aid.
posted by tuesdayschild at 11:20 AM on September 1, 2015 [1 favorite]
I vote for sleeping. I've been depressed and at those points staying in bed and avoiding life isn't ideal but when I'm coming down out of stressful periods - going to bed early on clean sheets and not doing anything but recharging my body is the best
posted by biggreenplant at 11:27 AM on September 1, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by biggreenplant at 11:27 AM on September 1, 2015 [2 favorites]
Take a full lunch break, every day, outside.
I find both the change of scenery (i.e., not reading emails) and the physical act of walking away from my office to be very helpful.
posted by invisible ink at 7:57 PM on September 1, 2015 [1 favorite]
I find both the change of scenery (i.e., not reading emails) and the physical act of walking away from my office to be very helpful.
posted by invisible ink at 7:57 PM on September 1, 2015 [1 favorite]
Some great tips here! I'll throw down my vote as well for regular walks, general exercise, and journaling or quiet private time to think.
When I get heavily weighed down with work I tend to practically throw out my hobbies and relationships, and when I get my time back I literally don't know what to do with myself. This is a perfect opportunity to look into discovering or picking back up a hobby or interest that's been neglected and relish what that time devoted to your interest gives you. It helps to start with just one to avoid getting overwhelmed. It might be as simple as blocking time to browse the library and indulge in a good book, if that's your thing. Hobbies are definitely indulgences, which is why they get thrown out when we get busy, but they can be so therapeutic and restorative, too.
Similarly, reconnect with individuals over groups (especially as an introvert) and be picky. Prioritize the individuals who re-energize you and with whom you can reliably share positive interactions with. This is not a time to dig up rekindle relationships with individuals who weigh you down emotionally or mentally.
As for your extrovert SO, the situation should be manageable with some good communication and consideration. This is a time about getting yourself back to balance and back from the brink of burnout. And so you have a right to some time to heal and get back to a good place, and don't need to feel guilty for asking that you take care of yourself. The only way for you to be able to take care of her is to be in good standing yourself. Let her know you hope she will make a similar effort to take care of herself as you are with yourself so you can be your best selves together.
So, yes, definitely allow for your needs (mental and physical health is a need!), but you do have some responsibility to your partner. That doesn't mean you need to coddle her wants and needs, but like a healthy adult relationship you need to be honest, communicate, and be respectful, as that's what you would want also right?
It's rough if she's going through a hard time herself, perhaps for joint as well as personal reasons relative to you. As an adult, she should be making her best effort to prioritize her needs and seeing how she can independently take care of them. What would she do in a situation where you're not even in the picture? She should do those things as much as she can. As an extrovert, it's important to realize how she can fill her social needs through other good people in her life (friend, family, colleagues) and not overly rely-on her introvert partner at the sake of drowning you so that you both end up sinking! It's ridiculous to think one person in our lives (SO) will check ALL the boxes for us and expect them to provide everything. That's why we have multitudes of relationships.
That said, it's not wise for you to go all high-and-mighty on her and start lecturing her on how to be a responsible adult. Make sure she hears that you respect and care about her, value her and the relationship and will consistently make an effort to be available and make time.The idea of being explicit about making yourself available in half hour or hour increments or whatever you can reasonable manage before/after work is a good one. At the same time, being explicit about your sanity levels and needing time for yourself, on your own. When she really needs you, you'll be there. But you also need her to give you some time on your own, too. As long as you're listening and considering what she really needs and is important, and have this conversation as a couple of equals who are figuring this out together. Please, don't dictate your terms to her, or treat her like a child. Listen, be honest, be respectful. These are keys to a good relationship.
If you're making yourself available and at the same time being honest, she should be able to take it and hopefully grow with you out of this current rut. If not, then yeah there may be other issues at play that need addressing. Also, don't make promises you can't keep pertaining to down the line when you're not burnt out you'll do something amazing and social together to make it up to her. Keep it realistic, being disappointed on false hopes is the pits.
This is very doable. Look after yourself, give yourself time to heal and find balance, seek out interests that bring joy in your life, and communicate openly and respectfully with your partner.
Congrats on taking the steps to a better, healthier you!
posted by Goblin Barbarian at 8:12 AM on September 2, 2015 [2 favorites]
When I get heavily weighed down with work I tend to practically throw out my hobbies and relationships, and when I get my time back I literally don't know what to do with myself. This is a perfect opportunity to look into discovering or picking back up a hobby or interest that's been neglected and relish what that time devoted to your interest gives you. It helps to start with just one to avoid getting overwhelmed. It might be as simple as blocking time to browse the library and indulge in a good book, if that's your thing. Hobbies are definitely indulgences, which is why they get thrown out when we get busy, but they can be so therapeutic and restorative, too.
Similarly, reconnect with individuals over groups (especially as an introvert) and be picky. Prioritize the individuals who re-energize you and with whom you can reliably share positive interactions with. This is not a time to dig up rekindle relationships with individuals who weigh you down emotionally or mentally.
As for your extrovert SO, the situation should be manageable with some good communication and consideration. This is a time about getting yourself back to balance and back from the brink of burnout. And so you have a right to some time to heal and get back to a good place, and don't need to feel guilty for asking that you take care of yourself. The only way for you to be able to take care of her is to be in good standing yourself. Let her know you hope she will make a similar effort to take care of herself as you are with yourself so you can be your best selves together.
So, yes, definitely allow for your needs (mental and physical health is a need!), but you do have some responsibility to your partner. That doesn't mean you need to coddle her wants and needs, but like a healthy adult relationship you need to be honest, communicate, and be respectful, as that's what you would want also right?
It's rough if she's going through a hard time herself, perhaps for joint as well as personal reasons relative to you. As an adult, she should be making her best effort to prioritize her needs and seeing how she can independently take care of them. What would she do in a situation where you're not even in the picture? She should do those things as much as she can. As an extrovert, it's important to realize how she can fill her social needs through other good people in her life (friend, family, colleagues) and not overly rely-on her introvert partner at the sake of drowning you so that you both end up sinking! It's ridiculous to think one person in our lives (SO) will check ALL the boxes for us and expect them to provide everything. That's why we have multitudes of relationships.
That said, it's not wise for you to go all high-and-mighty on her and start lecturing her on how to be a responsible adult. Make sure she hears that you respect and care about her, value her and the relationship and will consistently make an effort to be available and make time.The idea of being explicit about making yourself available in half hour or hour increments or whatever you can reasonable manage before/after work is a good one. At the same time, being explicit about your sanity levels and needing time for yourself, on your own. When she really needs you, you'll be there. But you also need her to give you some time on your own, too. As long as you're listening and considering what she really needs and is important, and have this conversation as a couple of equals who are figuring this out together. Please, don't dictate your terms to her, or treat her like a child. Listen, be honest, be respectful. These are keys to a good relationship.
If you're making yourself available and at the same time being honest, she should be able to take it and hopefully grow with you out of this current rut. If not, then yeah there may be other issues at play that need addressing. Also, don't make promises you can't keep pertaining to down the line when you're not burnt out you'll do something amazing and social together to make it up to her. Keep it realistic, being disappointed on false hopes is the pits.
This is very doable. Look after yourself, give yourself time to heal and find balance, seek out interests that bring joy in your life, and communicate openly and respectfully with your partner.
Congrats on taking the steps to a better, healthier you!
posted by Goblin Barbarian at 8:12 AM on September 2, 2015 [2 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
Also, yes, get a hobby - something that doesn't require daily practice. Personally, I knit, but you might find something else to be more your speed. Perhaps learning how to cook a specific type of food might be fun and interesting for you? It has the side benefit of adding value to your life - you have to eat anyhow, so you may as well make your meals interesting and fun to prepare.
posted by sockermom at 7:51 AM on September 1, 2015 [4 favorites]