Please let the third time be the charm? Please??
August 25, 2015 7:22 AM Subscribe
We fired our nanny this morning. This is the second nanny we have gone through in five years. Please help me refine how to do my prep work so we can build a long-term relationship with the next person.
We advertised and found our first nanny through a local parents listserve, so she came recommended. I interviewed her with a list of questions about how she would handle certain situations and found her to be excellent. She cared for our son as an infant, and was wonderful and helpful in helping us navigate our way through new parenthood. Until we had a second child, and then negotiations for our changing situation broke down and trust was lost between both parties. Fine. We let her go and placed both kids in day care for the toddler years, which was a good decision.
Our second nanny was recommended by a trusted day care worker, and did afterschool care for our son in pre-kindergarten, as well as full-time care during breaks and over the summer. She was fine for a while, but became increasingly distracted, ill, and we felt the quality of care was slipping. Another family that participated in a share with us left the share citing concerns over the standard of care as well. We decided to give her one more chance, several times. Lately we realized that our son had started quoting commercials in full and singing TV theme songs, which he only watches minimally at our house.
Yesterday morning we specifically and directly asked her not to let him watch any more TV. In the evening when he got home, he giggled and said "I did something today but I'm not supposed to tell you." He then went on to list about 4 TV shows he watched that day. That was the last straw and we fired her today, paying her for the week.
Now I have to find another person to do after school care for my son, and for another family who is completely on the same page with us. School starts in exactly two weeks. Ideally we would like to not have to go through this again, and continue to have the same person provide afterschool/breaks care for our son and our daughter, so we're looking at a potential of at least a seven years' relationship. I really want to get this right this time. Trusting my gut doesn't seem to be the only factor, since my gut told me that the previous two nannies were fine, and they were, until they weren't.
We have an interview scheduled this weekend with a woman who seems good on paper. Can you help me develop good practices for interviewing and starting out on a solid footing? I'm thinking I need to have a written document explaining our expectations of standards of care: TV watching, appropriate foods, discipline, social activities, etc. I know I also need to do a better job of communicating about half-days at school and other departures from the regular schedule (although I thought that posting the school calendar on the fridge with half days circled should have been pretty obvious). I would appreciate any suggestions on how people manage the ongoing relationship with their caregivers.
We advertised and found our first nanny through a local parents listserve, so she came recommended. I interviewed her with a list of questions about how she would handle certain situations and found her to be excellent. She cared for our son as an infant, and was wonderful and helpful in helping us navigate our way through new parenthood. Until we had a second child, and then negotiations for our changing situation broke down and trust was lost between both parties. Fine. We let her go and placed both kids in day care for the toddler years, which was a good decision.
Our second nanny was recommended by a trusted day care worker, and did afterschool care for our son in pre-kindergarten, as well as full-time care during breaks and over the summer. She was fine for a while, but became increasingly distracted, ill, and we felt the quality of care was slipping. Another family that participated in a share with us left the share citing concerns over the standard of care as well. We decided to give her one more chance, several times. Lately we realized that our son had started quoting commercials in full and singing TV theme songs, which he only watches minimally at our house.
Yesterday morning we specifically and directly asked her not to let him watch any more TV. In the evening when he got home, he giggled and said "I did something today but I'm not supposed to tell you." He then went on to list about 4 TV shows he watched that day. That was the last straw and we fired her today, paying her for the week.
Now I have to find another person to do after school care for my son, and for another family who is completely on the same page with us. School starts in exactly two weeks. Ideally we would like to not have to go through this again, and continue to have the same person provide afterschool/breaks care for our son and our daughter, so we're looking at a potential of at least a seven years' relationship. I really want to get this right this time. Trusting my gut doesn't seem to be the only factor, since my gut told me that the previous two nannies were fine, and they were, until they weren't.
We have an interview scheduled this weekend with a woman who seems good on paper. Can you help me develop good practices for interviewing and starting out on a solid footing? I'm thinking I need to have a written document explaining our expectations of standards of care: TV watching, appropriate foods, discipline, social activities, etc. I know I also need to do a better job of communicating about half-days at school and other departures from the regular schedule (although I thought that posting the school calendar on the fridge with half days circled should have been pretty obvious). I would appreciate any suggestions on how people manage the ongoing relationship with their caregivers.
I think we are missing why you left the daycare situation that was working for you and went back to a nanny.
Is there a reason you need a nanny? Are your hours longer than daycare is open? Do you need housekeeping too?
Can older child be in the before and aftercare program at his school? In my experience these are very social and fun places with limited TV.
For summers, what about day camp?
I think your expectations for a 7 year relationship is unrealistic. In my experience (in DC where everyone in my neighborhood did nannies for infants and toddlers), families and nannies change and a long relationship like that is unusual. 2 nannies in 5 years sounds pretty good to me.
posted by k8t at 7:41 AM on August 25, 2015 [26 favorites]
Is there a reason you need a nanny? Are your hours longer than daycare is open? Do you need housekeeping too?
Can older child be in the before and aftercare program at his school? In my experience these are very social and fun places with limited TV.
For summers, what about day camp?
I think your expectations for a 7 year relationship is unrealistic. In my experience (in DC where everyone in my neighborhood did nannies for infants and toddlers), families and nannies change and a long relationship like that is unusual. 2 nannies in 5 years sounds pretty good to me.
posted by k8t at 7:41 AM on August 25, 2015 [26 favorites]
Also in my experience, no one gets everything they want from a nanny. I'd politely suggest picking your battles. If they watch a few hours of TV on a rainy day, but otherwise do all the cool stimulating activities you want, is that okay? If she takes them to McDonald's once a week but otherwise provides nutritious meals, is that okay?
If your older child is in school and there are multiple toddlers/younger children in the share I can imagine it is hard for a caregiver to provide a super awesome environment that is age appropriate for everyone.
As far as communication, make it more obvious: "Tyson's school has in-service days Oct 2, Nov 14, a holiday on Nov 21, and ends Dec 21-Jan 3." You have all these dates already. Give her them way ahead of time, remind her at the beginning of the month, and the the beginning of the week. I assume you're paying her more for those anyway so you all need to keep track of them.
posted by k8t at 7:46 AM on August 25, 2015 [8 favorites]
If your older child is in school and there are multiple toddlers/younger children in the share I can imagine it is hard for a caregiver to provide a super awesome environment that is age appropriate for everyone.
As far as communication, make it more obvious: "Tyson's school has in-service days Oct 2, Nov 14, a holiday on Nov 21, and ends Dec 21-Jan 3." You have all these dates already. Give her them way ahead of time, remind her at the beginning of the month, and the the beginning of the week. I assume you're paying her more for those anyway so you all need to keep track of them.
posted by k8t at 7:46 AM on August 25, 2015 [8 favorites]
Response by poster: In the interest of brevity I suppose I edited this out: I posted the school calendar at the beginning of the month, reminded her at the beginning of the week when there were different days, reminded her again the day before, and still there was at least one day when she "forgot" to pick up the boys and the school had to call me to come get them. She was also routinely late picking them up and up to an hour late over the summer. We spoke to her multiple times about that.
Our day care is for toddler-age only, not school-age. He has aged out of the day care (although they are generously letting him go there for the next two weeks) and his sister will age out next year. Afterschool programs are crowded--this is New York City, after all--and my intel is that there are no seats left for this year, and my kid is also of the temperament where he needs some time on his own or with just one friend after being with other kids all day at school.
posted by Liesl at 7:58 AM on August 25, 2015
Our day care is for toddler-age only, not school-age. He has aged out of the day care (although they are generously letting him go there for the next two weeks) and his sister will age out next year. Afterschool programs are crowded--this is New York City, after all--and my intel is that there are no seats left for this year, and my kid is also of the temperament where he needs some time on his own or with just one friend after being with other kids all day at school.
posted by Liesl at 7:58 AM on August 25, 2015
Best answer: I would like to second weekly touch base meetings. My sister's family does this internally every Sunday after dinner. They sit down with a calendar for the next week and talk about who has what going on, doctors appointments/play dates/ballet practice/etc etc and color coordinate on a calendar for each kid and which parent is responsible for it. It saves them SO much headache in communication - because the calendar is very easy to read and understand, and you have a weekly touch base to make sure the nanny is on board with what's going on, is getting the hours/feedback she/he needs, and you can do an informal assessment about how well the children are doing with the nanny's care.
When doing your interviews, you could show them a sample calendar and discuss how it's set up and get a read from the nanny if that level of organization appeals to them, or if their eyes glaze over. It might be a good test to see how well they can handle any variety in their time
posted by Suffocating Kitty at 8:05 AM on August 25, 2015 [3 favorites]
When doing your interviews, you could show them a sample calendar and discuss how it's set up and get a read from the nanny if that level of organization appeals to them, or if their eyes glaze over. It might be a good test to see how well they can handle any variety in their time
posted by Suffocating Kitty at 8:05 AM on August 25, 2015 [3 favorites]
Quick question: when you are looking for a babysitter, are you relying exclusively on word of mouth? There may be a pool of babysitters out there that are untouched by your social network that may have the attitude you're looking for.
Also - where in New York are you? Queens? If you're in New Jersey there may be some better selection.
posted by Nevin at 8:11 AM on August 25, 2015 [2 favorites]
Also - where in New York are you? Queens? If you're in New Jersey there may be some better selection.
posted by Nevin at 8:11 AM on August 25, 2015 [2 favorites]
Okay, forgetting to pick the kids up on time isn't cool.
If I were in your shoes I'd focus on hiring someone who does the after school pick ups - this could be another parent or someone's nanny - and see about getting on the waiting list for aftercare. Then put younger child in daycare. When summer comes around, day camp.
posted by k8t at 8:13 AM on August 25, 2015 [1 favorite]
If I were in your shoes I'd focus on hiring someone who does the after school pick ups - this could be another parent or someone's nanny - and see about getting on the waiting list for aftercare. Then put younger child in daycare. When summer comes around, day camp.
posted by k8t at 8:13 AM on August 25, 2015 [1 favorite]
Consider looking for someone who will be looking after one or two of her on children as well. That will make sure she is a) already 'on', and b) more turned into th school schedule.
posted by bq at 8:20 AM on August 25, 2015
posted by bq at 8:20 AM on August 25, 2015
Is care.com or sittercity.com a good option in NYC? I'm aware that NYC is a special snowflake, but I would not have been able to find the sitters I found on those sites via word of mouth. It really widens your net and makes it easy to find good help. I posted an ad last week, did six interviews over the weekend, and hired my new sitter yesterday. When I found a full-time nanny when my son was a baby, I think it took even less time than that. When you have a good pool of candidates, it makes it really easy to find the right person. Just make sure you're asking each applicant the same questions so you can really get a good comparison.
posted by rabbitrabbit at 8:28 AM on August 25, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by rabbitrabbit at 8:28 AM on August 25, 2015 [1 favorite]
To me, afterschool care and nannying are not quite the same, but maybe I'm not understanding your needs.
It might not be the longterm solution you're looking for, but you might consider the Barnard Babysitting Agency's "Weekday Regular" listing option. All the sitters are Barnard College undergrads are held accountable by the agency (or they are disqualified from using the service to find work), so it isn't just you trying to make your own rules stick. If you can find a student whose class schedule works with your son's, then you would at least have someone in place for the rest of the semester without having to worry about a share situation.
posted by a fiendish thingy at 10:13 AM on August 25, 2015
It might not be the longterm solution you're looking for, but you might consider the Barnard Babysitting Agency's "Weekday Regular" listing option. All the sitters are Barnard College undergrads are held accountable by the agency (or they are disqualified from using the service to find work), so it isn't just you trying to make your own rules stick. If you can find a student whose class schedule works with your son's, then you would at least have someone in place for the rest of the semester without having to worry about a share situation.
posted by a fiendish thingy at 10:13 AM on August 25, 2015
"This is the second nanny we have gone through in five years."
Congratulations, you're normal! The late, great Nora Ephron was positively 100% right when she wrote: "The world's greatest babysitter burns out after two and a half years." Exactly two nannies in 5 years means you are doing quite well indeed. The truth is, vouched-for caregivers who have been excellent in the past can suddenly change. They can get sick of shit just like the rest of us working stiffs sometimes do. They can experience love life drama that makes them late all the time. They can suddenly have had it up to here with little Sophie who runs roughshod over their boundaries and her parents won't let the nanny use basic discipline, etc. It's hard to know how the nanny perceives working for you and the other family (more on that later). Things change. So it's a challenge to find a good fit on both sides, and IMHO damn near impossible long term. FWIW, I don't see anything "wrong" that you did here. I'll note that the real problem with your last nanny was she was flat out manipulative and told your child to lie -- I don't see how that's your fault she didn't work out because of a character issue.
"Now I have to find another person to do after school care for my son, and for another family who is completely on the same page with us."
I'm left wondering why YOU feel you are the one who has to do this nanny-search work for 2 families, but I digress. Your Ask made me wonder the following: 1) Is it possible the other family's kid(s) have become too much work/drama for one person to handle? You must know the personalities of the other family's kids, I presume. Are any of them say, not so awesome from a nanny's perspective anyway? Just guessing here. You may have better luck going about this on your own, I mean, since you seem to be single-handedly doing the search work anyway (though I may be misreading you). 2) Are you sure both families are paying enough including for half-day time off when the school calendar changes? (No need to respond here, just food for thought.)
"Ideally we would like to not have to go through this again, and continue to have the same person provide afterschool/breaks care for our son and our daughter, so we're looking at a potential of at least a seven years' relationship. I really want to get this right this time."
Of course you do, and what a wonderful world it would be if most nannies exceeded our expectations and stayed with us for years on end... but yeah, having one nanny for the next 7 years is probably unrealistic. I mean, it happens sometimes, but usually not (Again see Nora Ephron's "2.5 years."). This is exactly why I happen to love group childcare, camps, and aftercare situations where there is a team of caregivers. Plus, since you're paying a legit company with a staff, they save you the mental load of worrying about nanny taxes and the like, and doing the hiring and firing, but YMMV and I hear you that your have a kid who you feel is not a good candidate for this type of care arrangement plus the scarcity of such spots in NYC.
"Can you help me develop good practices for interviewing and starting out on a solid footing?"
"Trust, but verify" is my general motto when it comes to leaving vulnerable little people (or pets) with new adults. Like you, I've certainly found my trust to be misplaced in the past, and I'm sure that will happen again. So I try to plan for it. A background check, references and a careful interview using Gavin de Becker's questions for sitters from his excellent book Protecting the Gift are not enough to engender total, immediate trust in my book. In cases where your kids either can't or won't tell you what's really going on in your home, and/or where your nanny obviously told them to lie to you about the TV watching (OY VEY, THAT'S NOT OK, and I'm glad you let that nanny go)--- I'm a huge fan of legal, video-only nanny cameras in the public areas of one's home. IMHO, they protect both you, yours, and the nanny. Trust, but verify.
"I need to have a written document explaining our expectations of standards of care: TV watching, appropriate foods, discipline, social activities, etc. I know I also need to do a better job of communicating about half-days at school and other departures from the regular schedule"
Yes, those are good ideas-- but don't assume people will actually read the things you put in writing. Have a discussion; read over them together and get buy-in. Set boundaries. Be clear in your expectations. But also understand there may be something about a kid's personality that makes the nanny feel like she needs a little help from the TV, and/or she might be from a cultural background like mine where folks disagree with the UMC assumption that excessive TV is inherently bad and they let their own kids watch lots of it, and hey, they turn out fine, too.
Sure, we need to over-communicate even though it's a pain. Text the future nanny a reminder the day before a schedule change, and get confirmation that she, in fact, knows about the changes. I personally think folks should use technology to disable their TV/screens somehow when they don't want them used - make it harder for nannies to break your rules. I also believe people respond to incentives, and you should consider paying a "usually right on-time" year-end bonus if she is regularly punctual and does not flake. Reward the behavior you want to see more of, etc. Hang in there, and just plan on having to find someone new every 2.5 years - maybe you'll be pleasantly surprised.
posted by hush at 12:31 PM on August 25, 2015 [2 favorites]
Congratulations, you're normal! The late, great Nora Ephron was positively 100% right when she wrote: "The world's greatest babysitter burns out after two and a half years." Exactly two nannies in 5 years means you are doing quite well indeed. The truth is, vouched-for caregivers who have been excellent in the past can suddenly change. They can get sick of shit just like the rest of us working stiffs sometimes do. They can experience love life drama that makes them late all the time. They can suddenly have had it up to here with little Sophie who runs roughshod over their boundaries and her parents won't let the nanny use basic discipline, etc. It's hard to know how the nanny perceives working for you and the other family (more on that later). Things change. So it's a challenge to find a good fit on both sides, and IMHO damn near impossible long term. FWIW, I don't see anything "wrong" that you did here. I'll note that the real problem with your last nanny was she was flat out manipulative and told your child to lie -- I don't see how that's your fault she didn't work out because of a character issue.
"Now I have to find another person to do after school care for my son, and for another family who is completely on the same page with us."
I'm left wondering why YOU feel you are the one who has to do this nanny-search work for 2 families, but I digress. Your Ask made me wonder the following: 1) Is it possible the other family's kid(s) have become too much work/drama for one person to handle? You must know the personalities of the other family's kids, I presume. Are any of them say, not so awesome from a nanny's perspective anyway? Just guessing here. You may have better luck going about this on your own, I mean, since you seem to be single-handedly doing the search work anyway (though I may be misreading you). 2) Are you sure both families are paying enough including for half-day time off when the school calendar changes? (No need to respond here, just food for thought.)
"Ideally we would like to not have to go through this again, and continue to have the same person provide afterschool/breaks care for our son and our daughter, so we're looking at a potential of at least a seven years' relationship. I really want to get this right this time."
Of course you do, and what a wonderful world it would be if most nannies exceeded our expectations and stayed with us for years on end... but yeah, having one nanny for the next 7 years is probably unrealistic. I mean, it happens sometimes, but usually not (Again see Nora Ephron's "2.5 years."). This is exactly why I happen to love group childcare, camps, and aftercare situations where there is a team of caregivers. Plus, since you're paying a legit company with a staff, they save you the mental load of worrying about nanny taxes and the like, and doing the hiring and firing, but YMMV and I hear you that your have a kid who you feel is not a good candidate for this type of care arrangement plus the scarcity of such spots in NYC.
"Can you help me develop good practices for interviewing and starting out on a solid footing?"
"Trust, but verify" is my general motto when it comes to leaving vulnerable little people (or pets) with new adults. Like you, I've certainly found my trust to be misplaced in the past, and I'm sure that will happen again. So I try to plan for it. A background check, references and a careful interview using Gavin de Becker's questions for sitters from his excellent book Protecting the Gift are not enough to engender total, immediate trust in my book. In cases where your kids either can't or won't tell you what's really going on in your home, and/or where your nanny obviously told them to lie to you about the TV watching (OY VEY, THAT'S NOT OK, and I'm glad you let that nanny go)--- I'm a huge fan of legal, video-only nanny cameras in the public areas of one's home. IMHO, they protect both you, yours, and the nanny. Trust, but verify.
"I need to have a written document explaining our expectations of standards of care: TV watching, appropriate foods, discipline, social activities, etc. I know I also need to do a better job of communicating about half-days at school and other departures from the regular schedule"
Yes, those are good ideas-- but don't assume people will actually read the things you put in writing. Have a discussion; read over them together and get buy-in. Set boundaries. Be clear in your expectations. But also understand there may be something about a kid's personality that makes the nanny feel like she needs a little help from the TV, and/or she might be from a cultural background like mine where folks disagree with the UMC assumption that excessive TV is inherently bad and they let their own kids watch lots of it, and hey, they turn out fine, too.
Sure, we need to over-communicate even though it's a pain. Text the future nanny a reminder the day before a schedule change, and get confirmation that she, in fact, knows about the changes. I personally think folks should use technology to disable their TV/screens somehow when they don't want them used - make it harder for nannies to break your rules. I also believe people respond to incentives, and you should consider paying a "usually right on-time" year-end bonus if she is regularly punctual and does not flake. Reward the behavior you want to see more of, etc. Hang in there, and just plan on having to find someone new every 2.5 years - maybe you'll be pleasantly surprised.
posted by hush at 12:31 PM on August 25, 2015 [2 favorites]
Contract. Contract. Contract. Two weeks grace period to start. Monthly meetings for the first year. Yearly review. Me mail me for a contract if you like
posted by mrfuga0 at 9:19 PM on August 25, 2015
posted by mrfuga0 at 9:19 PM on August 25, 2015
It sounds like part of the problem is you may not be paying enough at NYC rates to attract good talent. If you need to share with another family, are you two combined paying more than would be the going rate solo? Otherwise you're asking for more work for the same amount of pay, which part time, is not enough to live on. College students are good in some ways, but will leave you when you finish college.
Outside of that, try looking on that Park Slope moms group, I know you don't live there but they have a lot of good recommendations for things.
posted by corb at 7:56 AM on August 26, 2015 [2 favorites]
Outside of that, try looking on that Park Slope moms group, I know you don't live there but they have a lot of good recommendations for things.
posted by corb at 7:56 AM on August 26, 2015 [2 favorites]
But, you only really fired one nanny, right? After increasing issues? The other had to do with "negotiations" - I assume pay or scheduling? I really don't think you're doing as badly in interviewing as you think; it sounds like you just took too long to fire the one nanny when she started providing subpar care. Also, if she was ill, it sounds like she may just not have been up for providing the standard of care you require, and either couldn't afford to discuss that with you or was afraid to discuss that with you.
Everyone is on point about the extra work of a share, multi-age kids, and changing schedules, so I'd take that to heart. In addition to money, don't forget about benefits (here are some to consider). And this is happening in their home, not yours, but if that changes, be aware of your obligation to provide things like paid sick leave after their first year.
On college students: I had a friend with 6 (!) regular babysitting/nannying jobs every week who was attending Bank Street in a early childhood development-focused program. She LOVED kids, obviously, and I can only assume that everyone in that program (and similar ones at TC) was doing similar work outside of class for as many hours as they could schedule. The school year is about to start for them, too, so it's definitely possible that some new students will be looking for gigs, though with their training they probably shouldn't come cheap. Same goes to a lesser extent for students at any of the undergrad schools in the city; personally, as a Barnard student, I always thought the listings asking for 5+ days a week of care (especially when far from Morningside heights) were silly and unrealistic for any undergrad's class schedule unless the job was so good that they were willing to plan their classes around it. Barnard has a listing service (which also means you're "competing" with other families), but the rest of Columbia doesn't (some people advertise directly though their regular career center jobs listings), and I have no idea about Fordham/NYU/etc. None of these programs are going to be 7-year relationships (and who wants to work part time for 7 years straight, except someone with something else in the mornings?).
Finally: this doesn't excuse things like regular TV (and especially telling your son to keep it secret!) but families with much too rigid ideas about care can be hard to sit for, so be cautious about becoming that. I'm thinking of a mom who would email me 3-4 paragraphs of directions for a weekly 3-hr gig picking her kindergartener up from school. Of course I would do reasonable, safe, and healthy things with the kid (and she would get a full report), I would serve the dinner she wanted him to eat, etc., but he was a very difficult and stubborn kid and not having the latitude for small bribes (like one karaoke video for a song he liked) or what to do (like going to the library instead of the park) made my work much more difficult than it needed to be. I think he was also especially difficult with me, especially in one limit-testing phase, and she wouldn't be particularly understanding about the bedtime that just wasn't met that one time or whatever it was. I'm not saying that's how you're acting, but be careful of turning into that sort of family as a reactionary thing to this past situation.
posted by R a c h e l at 7:04 AM on August 27, 2015 [1 favorite]
Everyone is on point about the extra work of a share, multi-age kids, and changing schedules, so I'd take that to heart. In addition to money, don't forget about benefits (here are some to consider). And this is happening in their home, not yours, but if that changes, be aware of your obligation to provide things like paid sick leave after their first year.
On college students: I had a friend with 6 (!) regular babysitting/nannying jobs every week who was attending Bank Street in a early childhood development-focused program. She LOVED kids, obviously, and I can only assume that everyone in that program (and similar ones at TC) was doing similar work outside of class for as many hours as they could schedule. The school year is about to start for them, too, so it's definitely possible that some new students will be looking for gigs, though with their training they probably shouldn't come cheap. Same goes to a lesser extent for students at any of the undergrad schools in the city; personally, as a Barnard student, I always thought the listings asking for 5+ days a week of care (especially when far from Morningside heights) were silly and unrealistic for any undergrad's class schedule unless the job was so good that they were willing to plan their classes around it. Barnard has a listing service (which also means you're "competing" with other families), but the rest of Columbia doesn't (some people advertise directly though their regular career center jobs listings), and I have no idea about Fordham/NYU/etc. None of these programs are going to be 7-year relationships (and who wants to work part time for 7 years straight, except someone with something else in the mornings?).
Finally: this doesn't excuse things like regular TV (and especially telling your son to keep it secret!) but families with much too rigid ideas about care can be hard to sit for, so be cautious about becoming that. I'm thinking of a mom who would email me 3-4 paragraphs of directions for a weekly 3-hr gig picking her kindergartener up from school. Of course I would do reasonable, safe, and healthy things with the kid (and she would get a full report), I would serve the dinner she wanted him to eat, etc., but he was a very difficult and stubborn kid and not having the latitude for small bribes (like one karaoke video for a song he liked) or what to do (like going to the library instead of the park) made my work much more difficult than it needed to be. I think he was also especially difficult with me, especially in one limit-testing phase, and she wouldn't be particularly understanding about the bedtime that just wasn't met that one time or whatever it was. I'm not saying that's how you're acting, but be careful of turning into that sort of family as a reactionary thing to this past situation.
posted by R a c h e l at 7:04 AM on August 27, 2015 [1 favorite]
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I know I also need to do a better job of communicating about half-days at school and other departures from the regular schedule (although I thought that posting the school calendar on the fridge with half days circled should have been pretty obvious).
The non-parenthetical you is absolutely right. You need to ask your nanny in advance about whether he/she can take care of each departure from the usual schedule. Posting the school calendar on the fridge with half days circled wouldn't be an acceptable way to communicate with your spouse about when he/she should pick the kids up early--why would it be an acceptable way to communicate with a nanny?
posted by cogitron at 7:38 AM on August 25, 2015 [43 favorites]