I've spent the summer with a 2 year old and now I'm leaving

August 25, 2015 7:46 AM

I've been helping take care of my two year old niece this summer, but now I'm leaving. How can I help her understand this transition and make it easier on her (and her parents, and me)?

I've been living with my two year old niece and her parents this summer and helping take care of her; I'm definitely not her primary caregiver, but am still a regular caregiver and a major figure in her life. I love her fiercely, but am going back to my real life across the country in two weeks.

I imagine she'll be fine, but I don't want her to a) think that significant adult figures will just leave her and never come back (I'll still be visiting a couple times a year and Skyping with her) or b) feel like I abandoned her. What should I do to make this transition as easy as possible?

posted by verbyournouns to Human Relations (7 answers total)

Really depends on the 2 year old in question. In my experience, this kind of thing is very hard for kids that age to really understand -- they can often barely grasp consequences that are a few hours into the future ("if you don't use the potty now..." etc), let alone something that will make the next several days feel different.

You should definitely talk about it, and maybe even make a concrete plan to keep in touch (phone call, video chat, etc). But take some cues from her as to how serious of a thing to make of the transition. She may not make a big deal about it because she can't really process what kind of a change is about to happen, and that's ok.

She may, however, be pretty be sad after you leave, and that's when you can get on the phone and talk about what's going on for her right now, because Right Now is where most 2 year olds live most of the time.
posted by cubby at 7:57 AM on August 25, 2015 [2 favorites]

chubby is right. The vast majority of toddlers aren't going to understand anything other than Right Now. Unfortunately there's not a whole lot you can do to mitigate the experience for her. It'll mostly fall on the shoulders of her parents, like when she asks them multiple times per day every day when she can play with verbyournouns, where is verbyournouns, when is verbyournouns going to get here. Skype is a great idea--check in on her from time to time and let her know that you miss her and wish you could be there to play with her, too.
posted by phunniemee at 8:08 AM on August 25, 2015

I left my two year old niece a couple of weeks ago to come home after spending the summer at her house, and while she apparently misses me -- she does ask 'Where's Auntie Jacqui?' periodically, and she was screechingly excited when she saw that I was on facetime a few days after I left -- for the most part, it simply hasn't affected her all that much. She doesn't go around being in a depressive funk as a result.

Learning that people go away and then they come back again is actually an important part of development. My niece has learned that because sometimes Daddy takes trips for work, and sometimes Mommy and Grandma take her on trips and Daddy stays home, and sometimes Grandma goes on trips, and sometimes she and Mommy and Daddy go on trips and leave Grandma behind. She saw my suitcase when I was packing up to leave and I explained that I had another house I lived in across the country and I was going there for awhile, but that I would come back at Christmas, and that was that. Christmas to her is at best a nebulous idea anyway, so she has no idea how long away that is or that it means a week or two visit, not the 3 months I got to spend with her this summer.

*I* wanted to sob, because I knew I was going to miss her so, so much, but she was totally fine. She went off to her daycamp about as well as any other day. (Which is to say, not that well, really, but what are you gonna do? The kid is not a morning person.)
posted by jacquilynne at 8:09 AM on August 25, 2015 [6 favorites]

I agree that this is a YMMV type of interaction and that, for the most part, you should take cues from your niece. Our 3.5 year old is really close with his grandparents (they are, in fact, caring for him right now in the gap between his summer camp and the start of his daycare school). He is always super-excited to see them and they are amazing with him. That said, when they leave, he is a little sad for ~15-30 minutes, then he just goes on with his life. Initially, we tried to ramp up to them leaving and give him lots of time to say an extended goodbye, but that just wasn't him. He loves loves loves hanging out with them, but then it's on to the next thing.

I'm not saying that this experience is universal at all; just that you should take your cues from your niece.
posted by Betelgeuse at 8:11 AM on August 25, 2015

You might think about presenting a toy/stuffed animal as a transitional object, in some sort of "Mr. Bear will help keep you company!" light way.
posted by jaguar at 8:32 AM on August 25, 2015 [2 favorites]

Yeah, came in to say "transitional object" too ... can the two of you go to a nearby Build-a-Bear and build a stuffed animal together? Fun activity, special keepsake, and you can give it some Auntie Noun characteristics (glasses? outfit? fur color?). Then you fill the bear up with all your kisses and have it kiss-attack her and if she gets lonely for you, she has a bear stocked up on kisses and hugs. You can refill it whenever you visit.
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 9:01 AM on August 25, 2015 [8 favorites]

I work with two-year-olds, and "front-loading" is helpful--they like knowing when something is going to change, even if they can't quite understand it. When I was nannying, I told the kid about a monthlong trip I was taking about three weeks in advance, and then we discussed it several more times. It doesn't have to be super emotional--just reminding them that you're leaving.

Skyping is great, but kids really love getting mail. If you can send her a letter or a postcard every month or so, she'll be thrilled. I still remember the adults who wrote to me when I was little.
posted by Nibbly Fang at 7:15 PM on August 26, 2015