How to deal with the slow fade/ silent treatment
July 1, 2015 2:27 AM Subscribe
I think my partner may be giving me the silent treatment/ slow fade to end relationship. She has form for this kind of thing. I'm wondering whether I should pre-empt it or just stay cool?
I’ve been in an on/ off relationship for a quite a while. We’ve broke up a few times, always at her behest, and then months later she gets in touch and we carry on where we left off. I do, or at least I did, love her very much in spite of all this. She’s never been very clear about her reasons for breaking things off, and she acknowledges that she doesn’t even really understand it herself.
Anyway, we’ve been back for nearly a year now, but a couple of weeks ago we had a bit of a tiff in her car. I got out and went home.
I accept I acted immaturely, but I think it was frustration at our relationship. Since getting back together we hardly ever have sex, and she blames a lack of libido over various things. We’re both middle aged and I accept this up to a point and I’m not pushy, hoping that it’s temporary. Anyway, the row in car was because she kept going on about what a ‘kind’ person she was, and I kind of called her out on it and said she hadn’t always been kind to me (breaking up with me by text 3 times). I didn’t like her response and I walked out.
A couple of days later I apologised for storming off saying she wasn’t kind, but she didn’t take it well. Called me childish. Fair enough.
I left it another few days and thought I’d offer an olive branch and asked if she’d like to go for a country walk. She said no, but would go this forthcoming weekend, though no firm arrangements have been made and have not heard from her since. It’s her birthday tomorrow and I’ve sent her a card.
But I wonder whether I should leave it at that?
Thing is….it feels like I’ve been down this path with her before. It feels like a bit of a slow fade. I haven’t really communicated with her at all over last couple of weeks, except for the above. And this has all been me initiating. I accept I upset her, but I called to say sorry (she didn't answer but I left a message) and followed that with a text. I don't want to grovel or be too pushy.
If it’s over, then so be it. I’ve been down this road so many times with her that I don’t think I care as much as I used to, though I’d still be sad as we do have nice times together.
I’m just wondering how I should proceed from here?
Should I call her out on slow fade if I don’t here from her and end it myself or should I just be cool and walk away?
I’ve been in an on/ off relationship for a quite a while. We’ve broke up a few times, always at her behest, and then months later she gets in touch and we carry on where we left off. I do, or at least I did, love her very much in spite of all this. She’s never been very clear about her reasons for breaking things off, and she acknowledges that she doesn’t even really understand it herself.
Anyway, we’ve been back for nearly a year now, but a couple of weeks ago we had a bit of a tiff in her car. I got out and went home.
I accept I acted immaturely, but I think it was frustration at our relationship. Since getting back together we hardly ever have sex, and she blames a lack of libido over various things. We’re both middle aged and I accept this up to a point and I’m not pushy, hoping that it’s temporary. Anyway, the row in car was because she kept going on about what a ‘kind’ person she was, and I kind of called her out on it and said she hadn’t always been kind to me (breaking up with me by text 3 times). I didn’t like her response and I walked out.
A couple of days later I apologised for storming off saying she wasn’t kind, but she didn’t take it well. Called me childish. Fair enough.
I left it another few days and thought I’d offer an olive branch and asked if she’d like to go for a country walk. She said no, but would go this forthcoming weekend, though no firm arrangements have been made and have not heard from her since. It’s her birthday tomorrow and I’ve sent her a card.
But I wonder whether I should leave it at that?
Thing is….it feels like I’ve been down this path with her before. It feels like a bit of a slow fade. I haven’t really communicated with her at all over last couple of weeks, except for the above. And this has all been me initiating. I accept I upset her, but I called to say sorry (she didn't answer but I left a message) and followed that with a text. I don't want to grovel or be too pushy.
If it’s over, then so be it. I’ve been down this road so many times with her that I don’t think I care as much as I used to, though I’d still be sad as we do have nice times together.
I’m just wondering how I should proceed from here?
Should I call her out on slow fade if I don’t here from her and end it myself or should I just be cool and walk away?
End it yourself and walk away. Not worth it.
posted by fluffy battle kitten at 2:45 AM on July 1, 2015 [9 favorites]
posted by fluffy battle kitten at 2:45 AM on July 1, 2015 [9 favorites]
I think it would be a great kindness to yourself to set yourself free from this sort of passive form of abuse. Just walk away and find someone who is emotionally available and doesn't play these games.
posted by Klaxon Aoooogah at 2:46 AM on July 1, 2015 [9 favorites]
posted by Klaxon Aoooogah at 2:46 AM on July 1, 2015 [9 favorites]
I just saw the original advice as linked by flabdablet.
Go full no contact and what I mean by that is NO FREAKING CONTACT, EVER. Block her on all media, change her contact info in your phone so she pops up as, "DO NOT ANSWER THIS." And then STICK WITH IT FOREVER.
posted by fluffy battle kitten at 2:47 AM on July 1, 2015
Go full no contact and what I mean by that is NO FREAKING CONTACT, EVER. Block her on all media, change her contact info in your phone so she pops up as, "DO NOT ANSWER THIS." And then STICK WITH IT FOREVER.
posted by fluffy battle kitten at 2:47 AM on July 1, 2015
Either way you describe it ends but I think you'll feel more in control of the situation if you do it. I would, simply because I have no patience for this kind of thing. You're either in all the way or you're out. I hate game players. Pull the pin.
posted by Jubey at 2:48 AM on July 1, 2015
posted by Jubey at 2:48 AM on July 1, 2015
I know this bit is unsolicited advice, but with all the multi-breakups with no real explanation and whatnot, I'd get an STD checkup for sure.
posted by Klaxon Aoooogah at 2:52 AM on July 1, 2015
posted by Klaxon Aoooogah at 2:52 AM on July 1, 2015
Response by poster: Yes...as the sharp witted of you out there can see, I have posted before about this relationship.
I feel a fool, and quite embarrassed, for allowing myself to be sucked back in but there you go.
I feel different now. Although I'd rather not break up, I accept this relationship is probably not healthy for me and it's simply a mixture of limerance, nostalgia and familiarity that's keeping me in it.
posted by blokefromipanema at 3:00 AM on July 1, 2015
I feel a fool, and quite embarrassed, for allowing myself to be sucked back in but there you go.
I feel different now. Although I'd rather not break up, I accept this relationship is probably not healthy for me and it's simply a mixture of limerance, nostalgia and familiarity that's keeping me in it.
posted by blokefromipanema at 3:00 AM on July 1, 2015
Look, it's okay to feel like a fool and embarrassed. Relationships can be really weird and go down not great paths. Now is the time to forgive yourself and work on moving on. Feelings are messy. It's going to be okay.
posted by fluffy battle kitten at 3:28 AM on July 1, 2015 [25 favorites]
posted by fluffy battle kitten at 3:28 AM on July 1, 2015 [25 favorites]
flabdablet has it. Walk away with head held high, knowing you are doing something great for yourself.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 4:21 AM on July 1, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 4:21 AM on July 1, 2015 [2 favorites]
Oh god. I hate this sort of behaviour. Everyone else is totally right in that you should probably just cut contact and walk away, but I know I'd find it very hard to do so without some kind of "final conversation". Sometimes you have to sacrifice a bit of dignity to be able to get rid of all the "what ifs".
posted by intensitymultiply at 4:50 AM on July 1, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by intensitymultiply at 4:50 AM on July 1, 2015 [1 favorite]
Take a long country walk by yourself because, with a relationship like this, you are always alone anyway. She will never be there for you. She will never run after you. She doesn't love you the way that you think that you love her.
By the way, her technique of pulling you in and then pushing you away again is game one for making someone crazy for you. You have been played. Take some time away from her manipulations and you may find that you actually never loved her at all.
posted by myselfasme at 5:11 AM on July 1, 2015 [9 favorites]
By the way, her technique of pulling you in and then pushing you away again is game one for making someone crazy for you. You have been played. Take some time away from her manipulations and you may find that you actually never loved her at all.
posted by myselfasme at 5:11 AM on July 1, 2015 [9 favorites]
I feel a fool, and quite embarrassed, for allowing myself to be sucked back in
Unfortunately it's pretty normal. Even when partner abuse escalates regularly to physical violence, it usually takes about seven trips around the misery-go-round before abusers finally lose their hold.
As a bystander to your relationship all I can really do about it is affirm, every single time around, that what is being done to you is not OK. What you choose to do with that information is entirely your call, and nobody - not even you - has any right to heap further abuse on you as a result of your making that call.
Giving advice is, always and everywhere, far easier than taking it.
posted by flabdablet at 5:21 AM on July 1, 2015 [3 favorites]
Unfortunately it's pretty normal. Even when partner abuse escalates regularly to physical violence, it usually takes about seven trips around the misery-go-round before abusers finally lose their hold.
As a bystander to your relationship all I can really do about it is affirm, every single time around, that what is being done to you is not OK. What you choose to do with that information is entirely your call, and nobody - not even you - has any right to heap further abuse on you as a result of your making that call.
Giving advice is, always and everywhere, far easier than taking it.
posted by flabdablet at 5:21 AM on July 1, 2015 [3 favorites]
If it were me, I too would likely walk away, but I think you should make an effort for her birthday tomorrow. If it is over it is over, but at least you can say you did the right thing by trying and if it is not over, well you celebrated her birthday. It also sort of puts it to her to be up front about ending it or not. If she pushes back against celebrating her birthday, you know your hunch was likely correct, she is slow fading you.
posted by AugustWest at 5:24 AM on July 1, 2015
posted by AugustWest at 5:24 AM on July 1, 2015
Response by poster: I do agree about birthday, and thanks for saying that as it was something that was causing me some doubts.
I feel I should wish her a happy birthday for the reasons you specify. I'd feel a bit of a heel if I didn't, so for my own personal code of conduct I will do this. I have already sent a card, but I'll probably also send an email as well in case the card doesn't get there on time.
The response to this will reveal all and if there is no response, or a poor one, I will wait until next week (as I don't want to cause drama on her birthday) and send a message ending the relationship. I would call but she probably wouldn't answer, as is her way at times like this.
posted by blokefromipanema at 6:00 AM on July 1, 2015
I feel I should wish her a happy birthday for the reasons you specify. I'd feel a bit of a heel if I didn't, so for my own personal code of conduct I will do this. I have already sent a card, but I'll probably also send an email as well in case the card doesn't get there on time.
The response to this will reveal all and if there is no response, or a poor one, I will wait until next week (as I don't want to cause drama on her birthday) and send a message ending the relationship. I would call but she probably wouldn't answer, as is her way at times like this.
posted by blokefromipanema at 6:00 AM on July 1, 2015
You already sent her a card, I wouldn't email her on top of that, I think it would be overkill.
As regards ending the relationship, just go no contact. You'll be glad you did, I promise
posted by M. at 6:18 AM on July 1, 2015 [2 favorites]
As regards ending the relationship, just go no contact. You'll be glad you did, I promise
posted by M. at 6:18 AM on July 1, 2015 [2 favorites]
It appears her style is to break up with you via text, however this time, because you've pointed out how unkind of her that was the past three times, you've kind of "taken away" her breakup method and she doesn't know what to do - she can't text you a break up because then she will be unkind. Also, it seems she lacks the maturity to break up with you face-to-face or through a phone call, so she is doing nothing/slow fade.
Please follow all the other great advice and go no-contact and move on; you deserve people in your life who will always care about you, not just run hot and cold.
posted by NoraCharles at 6:21 AM on July 1, 2015 [4 favorites]
Please follow all the other great advice and go no-contact and move on; you deserve people in your life who will always care about you, not just run hot and cold.
posted by NoraCharles at 6:21 AM on July 1, 2015 [4 favorites]
I feel I should wish her a happy birthday for the reasons you specify. I'd feel a bit of a heel if I didn't, so for my own personal code of conduct I will do this. I have already sent a card, but I'll probably also send an email as well in case the card doesn't get there on time.
I'm afraid at this point you really sound like you're making excuses to contact her. You've sent the card, you've made a reasonable good faith effort to wish her a happy birthday despite her generally poor treatment of you, that's more than enough.
I do feel for you, I've been where you are and it's really hard to ignore that little voice saying maybe this time you'll get the response you're hoping for but at some point you really need to draw a line for the sake of your sanity. It sounds like that point was reached a long time ago.
posted by *becca* at 7:10 AM on July 1, 2015 [4 favorites]
I'm afraid at this point you really sound like you're making excuses to contact her. You've sent the card, you've made a reasonable good faith effort to wish her a happy birthday despite her generally poor treatment of you, that's more than enough.
I do feel for you, I've been where you are and it's really hard to ignore that little voice saying maybe this time you'll get the response you're hoping for but at some point you really need to draw a line for the sake of your sanity. It sounds like that point was reached a long time ago.
posted by *becca* at 7:10 AM on July 1, 2015 [4 favorites]
Response by poster: 'I'm afraid at this point you really sound like you're making excuses to contact her'
Hence my doubts about wishing her a happy birthday.
However, it would be remiss of me at this stage not to. As of yet we have not officially broken up, so I have to work on that assumption and proceed as I would normally do and send her a card. I won't send email, as I agree it may seem like overkill.
I'm only trying to do the decent thing by acknowledging her birthday. She can take that how she likes, but I'll feel better for doing it.
posted by blokefromipanema at 8:03 AM on July 1, 2015
Hence my doubts about wishing her a happy birthday.
However, it would be remiss of me at this stage not to. As of yet we have not officially broken up, so I have to work on that assumption and proceed as I would normally do and send her a card. I won't send email, as I agree it may seem like overkill.
I'm only trying to do the decent thing by acknowledging her birthday. She can take that how she likes, but I'll feel better for doing it.
posted by blokefromipanema at 8:03 AM on July 1, 2015
"Although I'd rather not break up"
"As of yet we have not officially broken up"
You have the power to make this all stop. You've been acting for a while (previous questions) like this relationship is something she does to you.
You're in control of your own life. You don't need to know how she feels about anything to break up with her.
posted by French Fry at 8:43 AM on July 1, 2015 [2 favorites]
"As of yet we have not officially broken up"
You have the power to make this all stop. You've been acting for a while (previous questions) like this relationship is something she does to you.
You're in control of your own life. You don't need to know how she feels about anything to break up with her.
posted by French Fry at 8:43 AM on July 1, 2015 [2 favorites]
It's sad that the only way you're celebrating your girlfriend's birthday is via sending her a card and maybe a text/call.
You keep saying that reaching out to her on her birthday is because of your "personal code of conduct," but what it really says is that you're willing to ignore her cruel attitude and acting as if she's been absolved of being inconsiderate to you. You're only reinforcing that no matter how awful she acts towards you, you'll still bend over backwards for her.
You can have a nice time sometimes with someone who isn't the right fit; I've had nice times at times with my exes when we dated. But we broke up because in the long run, they were not fulfilling the requirements I needed in a partner. Occasional nice times are not enough.
It seems you want more than a hot/cold relationship and that you're beginning to recognize she's not the right fit. I hope you find the strength to walk away from this. It is not easy and it will take time to get over it, but I promise you'll be happier in the long run to have the opportunity to find a partner who both loves and respects you.
posted by mlo at 8:46 AM on July 1, 2015 [1 favorite]
You keep saying that reaching out to her on her birthday is because of your "personal code of conduct," but what it really says is that you're willing to ignore her cruel attitude and acting as if she's been absolved of being inconsiderate to you. You're only reinforcing that no matter how awful she acts towards you, you'll still bend over backwards for her.
You can have a nice time sometimes with someone who isn't the right fit; I've had nice times at times with my exes when we dated. But we broke up because in the long run, they were not fulfilling the requirements I needed in a partner. Occasional nice times are not enough.
It seems you want more than a hot/cold relationship and that you're beginning to recognize she's not the right fit. I hope you find the strength to walk away from this. It is not easy and it will take time to get over it, but I promise you'll be happier in the long run to have the opportunity to find a partner who both loves and respects you.
posted by mlo at 8:46 AM on July 1, 2015 [1 favorite]
Best answer: Wish her a happy birthday and then leave her alone after that. The ball will be in her court to respond or initiate contact.
And if things are still languishing by a week after her birthday, then call her and leave a voice mail if she doesn't answer, saying it's obvious where things are headed between you two (again), and so you're ending things just to get it over with and be definite about it. None of this long slow fade stuff again. I would also recommend telling her this time it's over for good, asking her to not contact you ever again. Then you aren't doing to her what she did to you - break-up via email or text. But I don't think slow-faders warrant in-person breakups. They're avoiding you, fine. Be that way.
posted by lizbunny at 9:10 AM on July 1, 2015 [4 favorites]
And if things are still languishing by a week after her birthday, then call her and leave a voice mail if she doesn't answer, saying it's obvious where things are headed between you two (again), and so you're ending things just to get it over with and be definite about it. None of this long slow fade stuff again. I would also recommend telling her this time it's over for good, asking her to not contact you ever again. Then you aren't doing to her what she did to you - break-up via email or text. But I don't think slow-faders warrant in-person breakups. They're avoiding you, fine. Be that way.
posted by lizbunny at 9:10 AM on July 1, 2015 [4 favorites]
Response by poster: Lizbunny I think you've hit the nail on the head.
I feel I should acknowledge her birthday. We've had some good times together and she has been generous to me in other ways. I don't hate her and she deserves a birthday card or flowers.
But after that I will completely back off.
My initial question was how I should deal with the slow fade, and I think your answer has probably outlined the course it would feel right for me to take.
posted by blokefromipanema at 10:02 AM on July 1, 2015
I feel I should acknowledge her birthday. We've had some good times together and she has been generous to me in other ways. I don't hate her and she deserves a birthday card or flowers.
But after that I will completely back off.
My initial question was how I should deal with the slow fade, and I think your answer has probably outlined the course it would feel right for me to take.
posted by blokefromipanema at 10:02 AM on July 1, 2015
Don't waste any time feeling foolish or blaming yourself. Addiction is powerful. But I guarantee that you won't find someone who is right for you until you have been out of the relationship for at least 6 months and more likely a year. I've dealt with slow fades both ways -- by the lizbunny way, which I think is a good one, and by just assuming that we're both ending it and not contacting the person and then, when/if they contact me, being honest and saying oh I thought it was over a while ago.
Don't assume that middle age means lack of sexual desire. Oh no oh no, sir. Do NOT assume that. And if you want a relationship with a reasonable amount of sex, start by getting the hell out of this one.
posted by janey47 at 10:50 AM on July 1, 2015
Don't assume that middle age means lack of sexual desire. Oh no oh no, sir. Do NOT assume that. And if you want a relationship with a reasonable amount of sex, start by getting the hell out of this one.
posted by janey47 at 10:50 AM on July 1, 2015
She's simply using you as a place-holder until something better comes along. You deserve better. You deserve to be adored. Send her an email saying you're done, and stick to it this time. It's better to be alone than to be with someone who doesn't respect you. She clearly does not.
posted by CanyonWren at 11:02 AM on July 1, 2015
posted by CanyonWren at 11:02 AM on July 1, 2015
Somehow this got to be all about her birthday. That's telling.
You need to get off this merry-go round, and stay off.
Alas, I don't think you're going to yet. I agree with the other poster that you are still clinging. (Sending flowers to someone you're breaking up with? Whaaaaat?)
> I don't hate her
I suspect you're going to need to hate her some before you find the nerve to end it. As it is you are (sorry buddy) the nearly perfect patsy, declaring that you're going to end it while planning to send her flowers. Even if you break up with her she will get you back with one sad or wistful remark whenever she feels like it.
Maybe one day you'll wake up really and truly sick of it all, and decide you want OUT OUT OUT no matter how she feels or what she says about it, or maybe one of these months she'll connect with a guy she actually likes and end it for you. Reading what you wrote over a year ago, I'm hoping for either one.
posted by mattu at 12:06 PM on July 1, 2015 [2 favorites]
You need to get off this merry-go round, and stay off.
Alas, I don't think you're going to yet. I agree with the other poster that you are still clinging. (Sending flowers to someone you're breaking up with? Whaaaaat?)
> I don't hate her
I suspect you're going to need to hate her some before you find the nerve to end it. As it is you are (sorry buddy) the nearly perfect patsy, declaring that you're going to end it while planning to send her flowers. Even if you break up with her she will get you back with one sad or wistful remark whenever she feels like it.
Maybe one day you'll wake up really and truly sick of it all, and decide you want OUT OUT OUT no matter how she feels or what she says about it, or maybe one of these months she'll connect with a guy she actually likes and end it for you. Reading what you wrote over a year ago, I'm hoping for either one.
posted by mattu at 12:06 PM on July 1, 2015 [2 favorites]
Response by poster: That's crushing...but probably true.
With regards to birthday card/ flowers, it is a bit of a moral dilemma for me.
Do you send either or both of these to your partner on their birthday when, though you suspect you may be broken up, you don't really know?
Of course if I knew we were broken up I wouldn't send anything.
But as of yet I don't really know, so feel like I should be kind and wish her a happy birthday.
posted by blokefromipanema at 12:20 PM on July 1, 2015
With regards to birthday card/ flowers, it is a bit of a moral dilemma for me.
Do you send either or both of these to your partner on their birthday when, though you suspect you may be broken up, you don't really know?
Of course if I knew we were broken up I wouldn't send anything.
But as of yet I don't really know, so feel like I should be kind and wish her a happy birthday.
posted by blokefromipanema at 12:20 PM on July 1, 2015
"Of course if I knew we were broken up I wouldn't send anything."
You're broken up if you grow the gonads to decide that you're broken up. Take the power away from her and make that decision.
posted by CanyonWren at 1:13 PM on July 1, 2015 [3 favorites]
You're broken up if you grow the gonads to decide that you're broken up. Take the power away from her and make that decision.
posted by CanyonWren at 1:13 PM on July 1, 2015 [3 favorites]
So be kind and wish her a happy birthday if you want to. It's ok to do what your own conscience feels is right regarding that. It's perfectly normal to not want to break up with someone immediately before or on their birthday - and the nature of this relationship doesn't really make it a risk to you to wait an extra few days if you feel it's appropriate.
I wouldn't send flowers... something about flowers to me is very romantic or endearing, and in this situation when I'm distancing myself from someone, it's something I would take as a sign you're hoping to win me over again, but this wouldn't actually sway me. A formerly special someone sent me flowers in similar regard and I gave them away so I wouldn't have to look at them. So save your money, in case she does just that.
With how she's been treating you, a card is about right - showing consideration but a small enough token that it says you're not feeling actual relationship-close to her. She'll get the hint you're aware of how things are between you. And she can choose to respond if she cares to.
posted by lizbunny at 1:47 PM on July 1, 2015
I wouldn't send flowers... something about flowers to me is very romantic or endearing, and in this situation when I'm distancing myself from someone, it's something I would take as a sign you're hoping to win me over again, but this wouldn't actually sway me. A formerly special someone sent me flowers in similar regard and I gave them away so I wouldn't have to look at them. So save your money, in case she does just that.
With how she's been treating you, a card is about right - showing consideration but a small enough token that it says you're not feeling actual relationship-close to her. She'll get the hint you're aware of how things are between you. And she can choose to respond if she cares to.
posted by lizbunny at 1:47 PM on July 1, 2015
Would you rather end it on your own terms or let the pain an uncertainty linger for another year+ (going off other questions that are nearly identical) until she finally meets a man she actually wants to be with.
This hasn't been what you've wanted for a very long time. You keep making it about what she wants. You keep playing 'Detective' when all you have to do is decide you are done.
posted by French Fry at 1:56 PM on July 1, 2015
This hasn't been what you've wanted for a very long time. You keep making it about what she wants. You keep playing 'Detective' when all you have to do is decide you are done.
posted by French Fry at 1:56 PM on July 1, 2015
Don't you dare send flowers. You sent a card...that's more than enough for someone who is treating you worse than a pile of dog shit. She has purposely left you hanging hoping for some kind of birthday present. Don't do it. WALK AWAY NOW.
posted by fluffy battle kitten at 6:30 PM on July 1, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by fluffy battle kitten at 6:30 PM on July 1, 2015 [3 favorites]
Think about it like this: if you hadn't brought up how cruel her multiple (!!!) text-breakups were, I can almost guarantee you that she would have already broken up with you via text message by now. Consider this the de facto breakup. If she really cared about you, she would have contacted you already. She knows how to get in touch with you, she just doesn't want to. Chasing after her won't get you the response you want - it never will.
If you don't like the uncertainty, there's a surefire way to end it. Send her a breakup text. Then move on with your life.
posted by i feel possessed at 11:29 PM on July 1, 2015
If you don't like the uncertainty, there's a surefire way to end it. Send her a breakup text. Then move on with your life.
posted by i feel possessed at 11:29 PM on July 1, 2015
Response by poster: Such a resounding and unanimous response. I hope I haven't demonised her too much.
I'm not perfect myself and she's not a total monster.
She did used to listen to me when I talked about football.....I think.
Though she usually did it with her eyes closed.
Anyway, today is her birthday so I shall see what her response is, if any, to my card.
If I don't hear anything it will be a simple decision whether to send break up message or silently walk away.
It will be a question of whichever one makes me feel coolest and doesn't give her any form of satisfaction.
Childish I know, but that's how I feel now.
posted by blokefromipanema at 12:56 AM on July 2, 2015
I'm not perfect myself and she's not a total monster.
She did used to listen to me when I talked about football.....I think.
Though she usually did it with her eyes closed.
Anyway, today is her birthday so I shall see what her response is, if any, to my card.
If I don't hear anything it will be a simple decision whether to send break up message or silently walk away.
It will be a question of whichever one makes me feel coolest and doesn't give her any form of satisfaction.
Childish I know, but that's how I feel now.
posted by blokefromipanema at 12:56 AM on July 2, 2015
Best answer: You giving her any attention is her getting the attention she wants and the satisfaction she gets from yanking that chain. Walk away, do not engage at all with her.
posted by fluffy battle kitten at 3:06 PM on July 2, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by fluffy battle kitten at 3:06 PM on July 2, 2015 [2 favorites]
Response by poster: Update :
Well I went ahead and sent flowers and card ( against advice I know) and on the day received a texted acknowledgement and thanks for sending them.
And since then nothing. The loose arrangement to go for a walk this weekend was not followed up on. The ball was in her court so I waited to see if she would get in touch...and she didn't.
So I guess that's it then....again.
I have been thinking of whether to send an email to end it 'officially' myself or to just leave it as is and walk away?
A part of me thinks sending the email would just make me look petulant and it seems uncool.....at least in my own eyes.
It would be nice to call her out on the silent dumping though...even though I doubt if she'd care.
posted by blokefromipanema at 5:52 AM on July 5, 2015
Well I went ahead and sent flowers and card ( against advice I know) and on the day received a texted acknowledgement and thanks for sending them.
And since then nothing. The loose arrangement to go for a walk this weekend was not followed up on. The ball was in her court so I waited to see if she would get in touch...and she didn't.
So I guess that's it then....again.
I have been thinking of whether to send an email to end it 'officially' myself or to just leave it as is and walk away?
A part of me thinks sending the email would just make me look petulant and it seems uncool.....at least in my own eyes.
It would be nice to call her out on the silent dumping though...even though I doubt if she'd care.
posted by blokefromipanema at 5:52 AM on July 5, 2015
Best answer: I have been thinking of whether to send an email to end it 'officially' myself or to just leave it as is and walk away?
You know perfectly well what the overwhelming consensus of opinion here would be on that question. There is really very little point in coming back and back and back on the off-chance of hearing some contrary piece of advice you can latch onto in order to shift responsibility for the perpetuation of your ongoing misery.
Go no-contact. Start now.
posted by flabdablet at 5:58 AM on July 5, 2015 [4 favorites]
You know perfectly well what the overwhelming consensus of opinion here would be on that question. There is really very little point in coming back and back and back on the off-chance of hearing some contrary piece of advice you can latch onto in order to shift responsibility for the perpetuation of your ongoing misery.
Go no-contact. Start now.
posted by flabdablet at 5:58 AM on July 5, 2015 [4 favorites]
Personally I would prefer to send such a message. Who cares what it makes you look like? In my view it makes you look like a person who takes care of their own needs. It needs to be very brief and to the point though.
Don't call her out on anything. THAT makes you look petulant. Just tell her: this is goodbye, we're over, have a nice life.
The important part here is getting the clean break that you really, really need. If sending that one e-mail helps you do that, then I think that is fine. After that, definitely DO NOT contact her ever again, not even if she were having ten birthdays on the same day.
posted by Too-Ticky at 3:13 AM on July 13, 2015
Don't call her out on anything. THAT makes you look petulant. Just tell her: this is goodbye, we're over, have a nice life.
The important part here is getting the clean break that you really, really need. If sending that one e-mail helps you do that, then I think that is fine. After that, definitely DO NOT contact her ever again, not even if she were having ten birthdays on the same day.
posted by Too-Ticky at 3:13 AM on July 13, 2015
Response by poster: I am torn about this still. I am thinking of sending a message to say goodbye because it feels like I'm in limbo. I don't want it to seem mellow dramatic and petulant though.
I know it probably seems like a no brainer to most people what I should do, given our previous history. But I just don't want to write, say or do something I will regret later on.
posted by blokefromipanema at 4:05 AM on July 13, 2015
I know it probably seems like a no brainer to most people what I should do, given our previous history. But I just don't want to write, say or do something I will regret later on.
posted by blokefromipanema at 4:05 AM on July 13, 2015
I am thinking of sending a message to say goodbye because it feels like I'm in limbo.
Sending a message is unlikely to change that, because once any such message is sent there will be a big part of you that hangs out for a reply, and that part will actively sabotage the part that's trying to enforce your new and therefore probably still fragile no-contact resolution.
To get rid of limbo will require time and conscious practice: every time you notice that feeling, you will need to remind yourself explicitly that actually you've decided for yourself to draw a line under this thing and put it behind you; that nobody else needs to be involved in your decision to do that; and that as a result, your present status is not In Limbo, but Grieving After Breakup. If you can find a consistent form of words to express that thought to yourself in convincing terms, so much the better.
I just don't want to write, say or do something I will regret later on.
Sometimes the symbolism and ceremony of writing an actual "That's it; we're done" letter can help kickstart the above process, and if you think that's likely true for you, then go ahead and do it; but having written it, then instead of sending it you should ceremoniously set fire to it. Keeping the entire process under your sole control will serve as a strong reminder about who is actually in charge here - which, given the blurring of identity you've so obviously been suffering from for pretty much the entire duration of this relationship, strikes me as vital.
Given the cavalier way in which your so-called partner has trampled on your feelings to this point, you're certainly under no reasonable obligation to send formal notice of breakup as a matter of courtesy.
posted by flabdablet at 9:38 PM on July 13, 2015
Sending a message is unlikely to change that, because once any such message is sent there will be a big part of you that hangs out for a reply, and that part will actively sabotage the part that's trying to enforce your new and therefore probably still fragile no-contact resolution.
To get rid of limbo will require time and conscious practice: every time you notice that feeling, you will need to remind yourself explicitly that actually you've decided for yourself to draw a line under this thing and put it behind you; that nobody else needs to be involved in your decision to do that; and that as a result, your present status is not In Limbo, but Grieving After Breakup. If you can find a consistent form of words to express that thought to yourself in convincing terms, so much the better.
I just don't want to write, say or do something I will regret later on.
Sometimes the symbolism and ceremony of writing an actual "That's it; we're done" letter can help kickstart the above process, and if you think that's likely true for you, then go ahead and do it; but having written it, then instead of sending it you should ceremoniously set fire to it. Keeping the entire process under your sole control will serve as a strong reminder about who is actually in charge here - which, given the blurring of identity you've so obviously been suffering from for pretty much the entire duration of this relationship, strikes me as vital.
Given the cavalier way in which your so-called partner has trampled on your feelings to this point, you're certainly under no reasonable obligation to send formal notice of breakup as a matter of courtesy.
posted by flabdablet at 9:38 PM on July 13, 2015
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posted by flabdablet at 2:45 AM on July 1, 2015 [11 favorites]