Why can't I give it a rest, already??

November 11, 2009 5:01 PM

So, as some of you may remember, I have a roommate. Usually we get along great, but we bicker about once every two months and every time we do it triggers all sorts of anxiety for me. I'd like to hear some advice from people who have similar issues.

It seems that no matter what I do we inevitably argue over something small and insignificant at least once every couple of months. I don't even bring up the things that bother me most of the time (like 99% of the time) because I've realized that, as an inherently anxious person, our fights trigger all sorts of bad feelings in me. I've realized that peace and harmony in my home is far more important than being right, or even feeling that everything in our relationship is fair.

I try to let the small things go whenever I can, and try to be really receptive to any issues she has with me. Here's the thing, though, she doesn't seem to like to talk to me. So, she ignores me. And I implode emotionally.

I know that this is something I'm going to need to address and deal with, because people will give me the silent treatment from time to time. It sucks worse because she and I live together and we usually get along so famously, but I know this is something that should not be ruining my life.

I can't force her to talk to me, but this leaves me completely in the dark as to what I've done (if anything). It seems like these phases never end until I muster up the courage to confront her and openly apologize for being alive (it feels like that, anyway). She's giving me the cold shoulder right now, and though she's exchanging pleasantries with me like hello and goodbye she hasn't asked me a single thing about my life or tried to be at all friendly.

I'm trying very hard also not to repeat my past reactions, which were absolute panic and an overwhelming desire to "make things right" by bringing her peace offerings and begging her to speak with me. It seemed like those things never really worked all that well and just prolonged the suffering. If and when they did bring tensions to an abrupt halt, I felt that the result was that I looked like such a weak person, and she always feels she's in the right.

I want to be strong enough to let her be in her foul mood, and do those things which I find insulting (like locking her door while I'm in the apartment... hello, what is she thinking, that I'm going to break down the door and attack her with a kitchen knife?) and which put me into a state of absolute panic.

My palms sweat when I hear her coming home, my chest feels tight, my instinct is to retreat to my room, lock MY door and blast music until she leaves again.... I know these are bad coping mechanisms and, though I'm young now, I know that being under this much stress is hard on my body. My mother developed a stomach ulcer form stress that very nearly killed her when I was young, and I definitely don't want to go down that path. I want to learn how to deal with it when people are distant and cold to me so that I'm not always fighting this ridiculous anxiety.

This time I can't think of a single thing I could possibly have done wrong, and since the fighting started I've been mostly in my room, keeping the house clean, even offering to make her dinner tonight. I just want things to be normal, even if we're not excessively friendly. I asked her via text if I had done anything to bother her, and her lack of response is driving me NUTSO.

I know this is irrational, and I know there's not much I can do to make sure everything is A-ok, but does anyone have suggestions for curbing my anxiety? So far I've tried journalling, being out of the house, drinking... all to no avail.

It also may be relevant to note that these days she has been smoking quite a bit of pot and has been periodically fighting with both her family and boyfriend. I know she vacillates between the three main people in her life (her boyfriend, her best friend, and myself) and so I should probably just relax because there's a very good chance that there's more going on beneath the surface, and she inevitably comes back around to whomever she's fighting with at the moment.

Sorry if I sound like a broken record, but I just need to give it a rest! Anybody have any suggestions? I'm not asking you to decipher the situation, more to advise me on how to control my anxiety. Also, I know, YANMT, YANMD.

posted by wild like kudzu to human relations (21 comments total)

It's been said a hundred times before, but breath meditation can help in these situations, I find. That and try to remember that it's not necessarily about you or what you've done. Given your willingness to accomodate and become concerned about the situation she may well be just using you as a handy, dandy psychic dumpster. Also, given that she's smoking a lot of pot, I think that the room locking thing is either 1. passive aggressive bs or 2. paranoia. Or a combination thereof.

In short, try not to blame yourself for everything that's happening here (I suffer with anxiety too sometimes, and that's certainly something that I have a tendency to do).

Good luck!
posted by Chairboy at 5:22 PM on November 11, 2009

First of all, you need to back off. Stop offering dinner, stop texting her, stop always accepting fault. If she doesn't want to talk, then trying to make her talk is only going to annoy her further and put you in freak out mode. Everything doesn't have to be "A-ok" all the time; if she's upset let her talk to you about it, and until then, just do your thing. But leave her alone.

Maybe if you didn't always retreat to your room, she might retreat to hers. Maybe if you didn't always ask what you did wrong, she might wonder what she did wrong. All your actions simply perpetuate what is making you anxious.

Stop treating this has a problem you must fix.
posted by spaltavian at 5:26 PM on November 11, 2009 [3 favorites]

The best thing would be to move out whenever your lease finishes, which I assume you will do.

However, while you live with her and seemingly can't get out of the lease: I think you need to stop thinking of your room mate as you would a partner. I mean that in the sense that if she's pissed off about something (her family, love life, work, whatever) it's not your problem: though you do suffer some of the fallout, which is not fair.

If she was your partner then you'd have to "be there for her", cuddle and try to console her. But she's only a room mate and in a years time you may not even have her number in your phone.

I'd suggest just living your life in the house as normal: being reasonable and polite. Do what you want to do in the house, not to please her and not to antagonise her either: watch TV where/when you want, be in your room when/if you want and cook what/when you want etc.

If she comes in from work you could try small talk "how was your day?" or "is it still raining? I got drenched this evening". That way you could feel you're taking the moral high ground by behaving like an adult, while she sulks like a brat.

But really you just have to bide time until you can move out and find a non-pain room mate.
posted by selton at 5:29 PM on November 11, 2009 [2 favorites]

Er... why do you expect her to say anything than hello and goodbye to you? You're roommates, that doesn't mean you're supposed to be friends. I had a roommate in college that was an acquaintance from high school and it worked out great for us because we never talked to each other. Don't assume that silence means animosity.

I thought you would give some obvious reason why she would be mad at you, and that you weren't just equating silence with animosity, but then I read on... I mean this as gently as possible: I'd bet she didn't respond to your text because you're acting kind of nuts. You freak out because she locks her door? Seriously? I stared at that sentence in disbelief for a while. People like their privacy and it's not unusual for someone to lock their door even if they don't expect their roommate to come in. If someone doesn't talk much to you it's more likely they're simply introverted or just don't have a lot in common with you. If my college roommate had started sending me texts asking if I had pissed her off just because I wasn't talking to her, I would go from feeling fine to feeling really irritated and thinking she was crazy.

Unless you left out something important where you actually might have pissed her off, or else normally you two are good friends and she talks a lot to you, either you're misreading her and expecting her to act like someone she isn't, or this doesn't add up. If you haven't left anything out, my advice for coping is to try and internalize that other people are not like you, it is reasonable for roommates to lock their doors, roommates do not have to be friends and it's normal for them to barely speak to each other, not everything is about other people disliking you, and to quit giving her so much thought because except for where you inject yourself into her life through texts and whatnot, she is probably not giving you much thought.
posted by Nattie at 5:58 PM on November 11, 2009 [5 favorites]

To clarify, this is confusing:

she doesn't seem to like to talk to me... she and I live together and we usually get along so famously.

Which one is it? Or do you mean only sometimes she doesn't like to talk to you? When you say you "usually get along so famously" can you elaborate?
posted by Nattie at 6:01 PM on November 11, 2009

This is all really helpful advice. I can see that other people operate differently, but it's also worth noting that we were (and theoretically still are) very, very close friends. Perhaps that's an assumption that I shouldn't make. I think my anxiety does bug her, but why should I put up with the silent treatment? She has just texted me and we FINALLY discussed what was actually the issue, something minor that was mostly miscommunication. I told her I'd explain if she wants to come talk to me after work. I am truthfully shaken at the moment, as silly as it may be, but I couldn't help it... I told her that I wished she'd just talk to me about things because ignoring me makes me miserable when we could just deal with it.

In the end I just said that I supposed it would all blow over and said again (perhaps unnecessarily or annoyingly) that I wished she'd talk to me about these things.

I just feel that the bottom line is... I need a certain level of communication with the person I live with. This drama is too much for me, and hopefully she can learn to talk to me about issues at the same time that I learn to relax about them.

I'm going to try to stop fixing everything and just be a normal person.
posted by wild like kudzu at 6:08 PM on November 11, 2009

Nattie-- we do get along quite well, I suppose what I meant is that she doesn't like to talk to me about anything unpleasant. When we're okay, we're great and we talk about any- and everything, like sisters.
posted by wild like kudzu at 6:11 PM on November 11, 2009

I'm not sure if it would help, but reminding yourself "it's probably not about me" at times might work in calming you down. Locking her door when she's in the apartment? Maybe she's afraid you'll walk in on her naked. Maybe she feels more secure. It probably has absolutely nothing to do with you at all. Not exchanging more than pleasantries? She's most likely not deliberately twisting a knife into your psyche, but concerned with something else in her life.

To answer your question about what you can do about this, I would suggest trying to make new friends that will at least provide you with an alternative if things aren't perfect with your roommate. I know it can be tough to branch out, but I find that I am 100% less anxious about social relationships if I can fall back on hanging out with another friend. I go from "holy shit no someone's mad at me what can I do to make them not mad?!?!? Why are they still mad? Should I do something???" to "wow, they're being kind of a dick. Whatever. I'll see what Other Friend is up to".

If you feel comfortable enough, perhaps consider bringing these issues up with your roommate when things are back to normal. Say, "hey, I know it's going to sound really weird, but when we have little disagreements I tend to blow them way out of proportion. So if we could try to patch them up as quick as possible, or if you could understand that I may act strangely during them, I'd appreciate it. Thanks!". Hopefully this could improve things in the future.
posted by amicamentis at 6:26 PM on November 11, 2009 [1 favorite]

You probably need more friends, a weed-and-family-problem induced bad mood should not freak you out but if she is your only support system, you are going to feel terrified every time she acts even minorly out of sorts.

And you seem to be positively reinforcing this shit, don't, just ignore it.
posted by kathrineg at 6:40 PM on November 11, 2009

Maybe she just isn't a social roommate? I have lived in houses with people and rarely interacted with them. Some people lock doors when they go in their rooms as a matter of habit, and some people leave their doors open as a matter of habit (I leave my door open because I grew up in a house with a hollow-core door that would whistle at me if I closed it). Maybe she's having a bad day/week independent of you. She comes home from work/school/whatever it is she's doing and really just wants to veg out and read/watch tv/stare at her computer/bla and you're interrupting her "me" time with your offers and apologies etc.

Breathe. Get it into your head that it's not your fault (this can be hard, I know). Leave her alone and let her come to you. Go out and have fun with some other friends of yours!
posted by that girl at 6:40 PM on November 11, 2009

also, people who are smoking a lot of pot might not be super-social or super-aware of your feelings. Not to be all reefer-madness, just keep in mind that it's probably not about you.

Seriously, someone locking their door is not about you and is not insulting. It just is.
posted by kathrineg at 6:43 PM on November 11, 2009

Okay, that's quite different then, I think. She seems rather high maintenance.

The next time she gives you the silent treatment, just leave her alone. If she doesn't want to talk to you, talking to her will just irritate her further. If she does actually want to talk to you and is just sulking because she knows you'll come to her, then you don't want to reward that by talking to her either. She needs to learn that adults have to communicate to solve issues, not that others will fall over themselves to get back on her good side when she's being immature.

I could see how that could cause anxiety. It might help to remember that she's being ridiculous, not in the sense that you ought to treat her uncivilly when you do talk, but when she does the whole drama queen thing and leaves you to yourself it can be a good stress-reliever to find the humor in her reaction to things. Provided that it just diffuses the situation for you and doesn't lead to any icky self-righteous feelings -- make sure you feel lighter, not fired up -- it can help in coming across calm and unbothered. I've noticed that sometimes when someone is being dramatic, simply acting like you don't notice will get them to bring stuff up, though it takes patience.
posted by Nattie at 6:45 PM on November 11, 2009

Here's my rule for life - YMMV: Never, ever live with a friend unless you happen to be dating or at least sleeping with them, or you are 100% sure that you're compatible roommates. Because this is pretty much how every living situation ends, when I try to live with good, even close, friends who don't happen to be compatible. I think that the difference is that a non-compatible acquaintance can be ignored, but there's some feeling of obligation be best friends all the time, which is sort of impossible.
posted by muddgirl at 6:59 PM on November 11, 2009 [1 favorite]

like locking her door while I'm in the apartment... hello, what is she thinking, that I'm going to break down the door and attack her with a kitchen knife?

Yeah, I can't believe I missed this. This is crazy. I locked my door all the time with roommates even if they were friends; it's about privacy, and there's nothing "insulting" or weird at all about it. The fact that you take it as a personal insult that they'd lock to the door to their own bedroom leads me to believe that you might not share the same standards of privacy to begin with.

This drama is too much for me,

While your roommate may be acting weird, please realize that you're causing the drama. She's not the one going into crisis mode, and getting "shaken", because their roommate is quiet. Sometimes people don't feel like talking, even to friends, and demanding that this "issue" be dealt with on your schedule and to your satisfaction is drama. Not everything needs to be talked about. Your roommate probably feels crowded; maybe that's why she doesn't share?
posted by spaltavian at 7:40 PM on November 11, 2009 [6 favorites]

I have a friend, she's a fairly good friend, but periodically she stops talking to me. Either it's because she's just too busy or too tired, or it's because I've pissed her off in some random way. After the first few times it happened, I explained to her that I consider her to be a friend and if there is a problem, it's up to her to tell me. I can't read minds, I can't monitor every word or gesture for offense. She agreed that it's her thing and she will tell me if she's mad. I take her at her word. Period.

Secondly, sweetie, really, you need to breathe. I'm not piling on or judging in any way but you really need to chill. Later on down the road you may live with other people, they may have a bad day, they may not talk to you. This does not mean they don't like you. This does not mean they hate you. This may mean they just don't feel like talking. When you get upset and push them, some people may respond by stepping further away from you.

This is how some people react. You get to make the decision, do you want to learn to adapt to these types of people and find a way to react to them without stressing yourself out, or do you just want to never be around people who give you the silent treatment for any reason?

It's not going to be easy, but remind yourself as often as you can that it's not about you. Most people have so much drama in their own heads that they can't make time or space for you. They aren't ignoring you, they are absorbed in their own shit.

Finally, if she's high, chances are she's not processing things fast enough to even notice that she's quiet. My ex would often stop mid-sentence and walk out of the room. He wasn't pissed, he was just too high and too stupid to realize it.
posted by teleri025 at 8:01 PM on November 11, 2009

Your post is very similar to my situation a couple of years ago. Except for me being male and my roomie being female, and her not being a pot smoker, this is easily something I could've written back then. And not just her side of it, but mine also. Being removed from it for about a year and a half, I guess I've been able to look back on it in a different perspective.

I can completely relate to that anxiety and dread when she comes home, or you come home and the light's on (one time I saw it and suddenly decided to go grocery shopping). Even at the time, I'd laugh it off with friends or co-workers, and I was never particularly despondent with them (inside my head when alone was a different story).

The advice of bringing it up when things get better again (before it gets worse again) is definitely what I wish I had done, but the fear of "rocking the boat" and ruffling feathers was like a 10-ton brick. Do try to discuss how difficult things can be for you. Only bring up your perspective and emotions, and don't make her feel defensive or at fault (use "I" more than "you"). Hopefully you'll both become more self-aware. Acknowledge there are things you need to work on too, but try to be on the same level instead of deferential. And when you have a good time, or she does something nice, encourage it.

It's easy for you both to keep falling into your respective modes of negative behavior. There'd be times my roomie would tell me about tantrums she'd have (or I'd see it myself), and in that regard it helped that it wasn't just me. But I'd just side with her, instead of maybe helping her realize it was a pattern and not just isolated incidents. If her friends follow the same tact, why should she think she might be contributing to it?

A funny thing though is that in the past few months, I sort of found myself on the receiving end of someone who was overly apologetic and concerned like I had been with my roomie, and I suddenly saw how it could drive someone nuts, and how much of a grump I can be in my own right. A text of "Gee, I hope you didn't take what I said the wrong way" made me think, "No! Stop worrying! It's not a big deal! Geez!" Or if I were in a long anti-social funk, a text of "Are you feeling better?" would make me think, "No! Leave me alone! If I am, you'll know!"

So yeah, try to help her see your side of things, but also try to see how your behavior might come off to her. And while it's easy for us or your friends to take your side and think it's all her doing, it'd be just as easy for her friends to get a completely different story, take her side, and think it's all your doing.
posted by TheSecretDecoderRing at 8:38 PM on November 11, 2009 [1 favorite]

This episode ('Frenemies')of This American Life helped me to recognize that I had a toxic friendship, a 'frienemy'. You never quite know what you've done wrong but you can't fix it either. In my experience, I had to let the friendship dissolve. It's hard, particularly with a roommate/friend but perhaps if you can change your expectations, you'll be able to move ahead. Good luck.
posted by lois1950 at 9:13 PM on November 11, 2009

(not room-mate advice, but ulcers are caused by bacteria, and exacerbated by stress, and can be treated with antibiotics.)
posted by titanium_geek at 12:55 AM on November 12, 2009

It's very possible that she gives you the silent treatment because she know it drives you crazy. It's not a very mature reaction and the only way to get her to stop, honestly, is for you to not let it drive you crazy. It sucks that you don't always feel comfortable in your living space, but it sounds like she's manipulating you and the only way it works is if you buy into it.

The next time it happens, don't let her passive-aggressive behavior upset you. If it helps, feel mad about how she's handling it, but don't stalk her to try and get her to talk to you because that's just playing her game. I think the conversation that was mentioned above by teleri025 about how you're not a mind reader, if she doesn't come to you to tell you something is wrong you're going to assume she's doing her own thing. And mean it, live by it.

If it really starts to get to you, hang out with some other friends and be social there. Putting a lot of energy into a situation like that only amplifies it and eventually if her silent treatment stops working on you, she'll look for other ways to resolve conflict (or at the very least you won't get as upset by her behavior).
posted by Kimberly at 8:20 AM on November 12, 2009

wild like kudzu, I was like you. I used to hate the idea that someone might be mad at me. I still do, to some extent, (I think to some extent, it's just part of being human). The road for me to get out of that was very hard, actually -- as it sounds like yours is now. I spent four years in a relationship with a very angry person, for one thing. I saw a therapist. I learned to argue back with one of my parents when they were in their volatile moods, rather than just trying to dodge the situation and feeling scared. What I'm saying is that it was not as easy as just telling myself "stop" and having the feelings stop. So hang in there and be prepared to try a lot of things.

What I've come around to as an approach to others' anger is to try to remain centered in myself, do what I need to do to own up to and make amends for anything you did that violated my own sense of appropriate friendship behavior. Beyond that, I let them have their feelings and standards and try to say to myself, "well, they'll call me when you want to talk," or "whatever, call me when you're over it." It helps that I know my friends won't harbor anger without eventually finding a way to talk to me about it. The realization I'm coming to is that sometimes they're upset about something that would also upset me, but sometimes they're upset at something that wouldn't upset someone else, so it's as much about them as it is about me.

So, in your case, your request that she tell you is very reasonable, but of course, she also has the right to just try to ignore it and wait for her angry feelings to go away (that sounds like the approach you take when you're mad at something she does).

Your relationship with this roommate sounds rather difficult, and in earlier posts, you've said some things that make me doubt she's acting toward you in a way I'd consider fair. I'm wondering if you're not in this relationship in part to teach yourself how to handle it, or to get yourself to a point where you stop reacting in the same way to someone's anger. It's your prerogative whether you want to remain friends over time.

Your request that she talk to you is extremely appropriate, and I would no longer consider the "silent treatment" a form of communication. Crazy as it might make you, I'd do your best to act as though everything was normal, let her have her own business, and wait for her to bring it to you. At that point, you can decide whether what you did was outside your own sense of right and wrong, or whether you think she's making a big deal out of nothing.

How to curb your anxiety in the meantime? Hmm... is there any way to come to an agreement with yourself that if she isn't talking to you about something, it's really not something you can do anything about and really not something you should take on yourself as a problem? Coming up with distractions are easy, but sometimes you need to make a solid decision about how you want to feel, how you think you would ideally feel, before then going off to see a movie or something. Imagine how great it will be just to not even have to carry around her anger; embrace being free of the need to care.

Hope some small part of this long comment helps!
posted by salvia at 8:49 AM on November 12, 2009

I can remember having a roommate and even if we were getting along famously, I remember literally coming home after work, fixing a plate of food and going to my room to be alone, eat and vegetate in front of the TV. My roommate was nice, but she drained me of what little social energy I had left at the end of the day. If she had been a boyfriend I would have just wanted to silently cuddle on the couch. Instead, because she was more of a business partner (i.e. a roommate to split the rent) she really didn't mind that I retreated to my room. It had more to do with my need to recharge than my desire to not be around her.

I would steel clear of her going forward and make plans to find a different living situation. And don't look to be friends with the next roommate...
posted by dmbfan93 at 1:09 PM on November 12, 2009