Early 30s and my life is a mess. How do I clean things up?
June 21, 2015 5:58 PM
I grew up in a bizarre, cult-like family that screwed up my development as a person. So in a lot of ways I'm way behind other people in basic life skills. After four years of hard, painful work I've finally been able to untwist the knots that were tied up in my brain. How do I get the mess I have here under control?
Here's what I'd like to take care of:
1) Get a handle on being an independent adult. Budgeting, finances, saving for retirement, creating a plan to pay off my loans. Basic life skills like keeping up with grooming, cleanliness, time management, that sort-of thing.
2) Find a new job. My current one is dangerous for my health, my mind, and my career. It's incredibly, dangerously abusive, and is very reminiscent of my "psychopathic" family. I don't want to get into it here, but it's bad news.
3) Social life/dating. I haven't been in a relationship with a woman in 11 years. I haven't had sex in about four years, and I never enjoyed the sex I had. I'm also 100% isolated in the world right now and it is excruciatingly painful. No friends, no family, abusive co-workers. Not a good scene.
4) My career is at a dead-end right now and I need to keep building up my skills and have a decent direction, otherwise I'm going to be unemployable at some point in the future, and I really don't want that to happen because I literally have NO fallback. No family here.
5) Health and diet are screwy. I don't eat well or regularly, and have a very poor idea of how to take care of myself. I learned my body and mind meant nothing, so I never figured I had to take care of this stuff. Well, apparently it's one of the most important things a person has to do for themselves.
6) I still have a very vague sense of who I am as a person. I'm only discovering who I am now, like ... my personality, values, interests, wants and desires, temperament, etc.
7) I have trouble coping with stress, rejection, failure, difficulties in life, etc. I do OK but it gets me off track easily.
8) I'm so miserable and overwhelmed that suicide seems like a pretty good way out sometimes. I have not enjoyed myself in so long I don't even remember what it's like to feel good, or even OK. I'm talking decades here. Decades of misery, pain, isolation, and confusion.
9) Recovering from childhood abuse and the influence my fucked up family had on me. Imagine growing up in a family of intelligent, bona-fide psychopaths ... it was not a fun experience to make the understatement of the year, and it messed up my head big time.
So on and so forth. I work about 60 hours a week so I only have about two hours of free time during the day. Also weekends.
I'd also like to see a therapist, but I don't have the time for it right now since I need to spend all of it finding a new job because I'm going to have a stroke soon if I stay here. Also two therapists I tried seeing sexually harassed me and tried scamming me, and a few others didn't want anything to do with what I want to work on here.
Note, too: all of the stuff I listed above looks awful to me now, like, how could I have let myself be like this? But I spent all of my life thinking it was normal, because I was taught I was born defective and fucked up, and I just assumed this was all life could be. I am basically trying to rebuild my life from scratch here.
Any ideas? Thank you!
Here's what I'd like to take care of:
1) Get a handle on being an independent adult. Budgeting, finances, saving for retirement, creating a plan to pay off my loans. Basic life skills like keeping up with grooming, cleanliness, time management, that sort-of thing.
2) Find a new job. My current one is dangerous for my health, my mind, and my career. It's incredibly, dangerously abusive, and is very reminiscent of my "psychopathic" family. I don't want to get into it here, but it's bad news.
3) Social life/dating. I haven't been in a relationship with a woman in 11 years. I haven't had sex in about four years, and I never enjoyed the sex I had. I'm also 100% isolated in the world right now and it is excruciatingly painful. No friends, no family, abusive co-workers. Not a good scene.
4) My career is at a dead-end right now and I need to keep building up my skills and have a decent direction, otherwise I'm going to be unemployable at some point in the future, and I really don't want that to happen because I literally have NO fallback. No family here.
5) Health and diet are screwy. I don't eat well or regularly, and have a very poor idea of how to take care of myself. I learned my body and mind meant nothing, so I never figured I had to take care of this stuff. Well, apparently it's one of the most important things a person has to do for themselves.
6) I still have a very vague sense of who I am as a person. I'm only discovering who I am now, like ... my personality, values, interests, wants and desires, temperament, etc.
7) I have trouble coping with stress, rejection, failure, difficulties in life, etc. I do OK but it gets me off track easily.
8) I'm so miserable and overwhelmed that suicide seems like a pretty good way out sometimes. I have not enjoyed myself in so long I don't even remember what it's like to feel good, or even OK. I'm talking decades here. Decades of misery, pain, isolation, and confusion.
9) Recovering from childhood abuse and the influence my fucked up family had on me. Imagine growing up in a family of intelligent, bona-fide psychopaths ... it was not a fun experience to make the understatement of the year, and it messed up my head big time.
So on and so forth. I work about 60 hours a week so I only have about two hours of free time during the day. Also weekends.
I'd also like to see a therapist, but I don't have the time for it right now since I need to spend all of it finding a new job because I'm going to have a stroke soon if I stay here. Also two therapists I tried seeing sexually harassed me and tried scamming me, and a few others didn't want anything to do with what I want to work on here.
Note, too: all of the stuff I listed above looks awful to me now, like, how could I have let myself be like this? But I spent all of my life thinking it was normal, because I was taught I was born defective and fucked up, and I just assumed this was all life could be. I am basically trying to rebuild my life from scratch here.
Any ideas? Thank you!
This all sounds like you need serious therapy, a life coach or something. And if you don't have time for one, you'll have to wait until you've found a better job and can afford the time.
In the meantime, rather than trying to fix everything at once, try reorganizing the above list into an order of priority, and work on them one by one. Start simple.
posted by lizbunny at 6:13 PM on June 21, 2015
In the meantime, rather than trying to fix everything at once, try reorganizing the above list into an order of priority, and work on them one by one. Start simple.
posted by lizbunny at 6:13 PM on June 21, 2015
Been there, done that. It's awesome (but still hard sometimes!) here on the otherside.
I like your lists. You really identify what needs changing.
Meditation and planning. Often, daily walks help meditation and planning. And lists.
Sure your lists are long - but why wait to start?
Walk every day. Make lists, make plans, journal. Eat a salad every other day. Tidy your apartment apartment for 10 min every day, deep clean for an hour or two every weekend. Schedule this.
Slowly you will develop Good Habits and goals will be crossed off your lists.
Start right now. Why wait?
posted by jbenben at 6:34 PM on June 21, 2015
I like your lists. You really identify what needs changing.
Meditation and planning. Often, daily walks help meditation and planning. And lists.
Sure your lists are long - but why wait to start?
Walk every day. Make lists, make plans, journal. Eat a salad every other day. Tidy your apartment apartment for 10 min every day, deep clean for an hour or two every weekend. Schedule this.
Slowly you will develop Good Habits and goals will be crossed off your lists.
Start right now. Why wait?
posted by jbenben at 6:34 PM on June 21, 2015
I'm sorry, this sounds hard. Please don't kill yourself.
I agree with all the advice - start small, and start with the thing that is the easiest and makes you feel the best. Is it sleep? Do the whole sleep hygiene thing, set alarms to go to bed, be kind to yourself as you get used to the new way of sleeping. Food? Set alarms to remind you to eat* and take some pleasure in it - it doesn't have to be weird 'oh how lovely the taste of the white bread and peanut butter' but just 'yay I'm eating and I'll feel better'. Then, at some point, these things become habit.
Then there's the harder stuff. Applying for jobs is hard and awful when you have difficulty believing in yourself. Do you have an acquaintance who can help? It might be looking at job ads with you, or reading applications, but someone who can point out where you might have been too hard on yourself, or missed out something awesome about what you do. There are people who do this online too.
Once you have a foundation - eating, sleeping, new job, then start on the other stuff. Right now you need to triage, and eating/sleeping badly fucking everything up.
*I'm mostly a functioning adult, by a lot of standard, but I am in a period of extreme stress so I'm having to do this one right now, and the sleep hygiene, and because I've done them before (over and over it seems) it gets a bit easier each time.
posted by geek anachronism at 7:29 PM on June 21, 2015
I agree with all the advice - start small, and start with the thing that is the easiest and makes you feel the best. Is it sleep? Do the whole sleep hygiene thing, set alarms to go to bed, be kind to yourself as you get used to the new way of sleeping. Food? Set alarms to remind you to eat* and take some pleasure in it - it doesn't have to be weird 'oh how lovely the taste of the white bread and peanut butter' but just 'yay I'm eating and I'll feel better'. Then, at some point, these things become habit.
Then there's the harder stuff. Applying for jobs is hard and awful when you have difficulty believing in yourself. Do you have an acquaintance who can help? It might be looking at job ads with you, or reading applications, but someone who can point out where you might have been too hard on yourself, or missed out something awesome about what you do. There are people who do this online too.
Once you have a foundation - eating, sleeping, new job, then start on the other stuff. Right now you need to triage, and eating/sleeping badly fucking everything up.
*I'm mostly a functioning adult, by a lot of standard, but I am in a period of extreme stress so I'm having to do this one right now, and the sleep hygiene, and because I've done them before (over and over it seems) it gets a bit easier each time.
posted by geek anachronism at 7:29 PM on June 21, 2015
I've sounded like you for a lot of my life. Almost all of my 20s, really.
It's great that you've got a list - that's not insubstantial. You need to approach with baby steps.
My primary suggestion is to switch the priority from finding a different job to finding a good therapist, asap, and talk about meds. My therapist has walked me through the ways a traumatic childhood can impact the brain and how medication can help bring it to a "normal" alignment faster to give you a base to work from. Being in good counseling, and perhaps on medication, will help you tolerate your job without having a stroke and give you a better approach to finding a new job. Then you can go down your list and improve areas slowly and gradually, with a lot of self-love and gentleness towards yourself.
Best of luck.
posted by mibo at 7:34 PM on June 21, 2015
It's great that you've got a list - that's not insubstantial. You need to approach with baby steps.
My primary suggestion is to switch the priority from finding a different job to finding a good therapist, asap, and talk about meds. My therapist has walked me through the ways a traumatic childhood can impact the brain and how medication can help bring it to a "normal" alignment faster to give you a base to work from. Being in good counseling, and perhaps on medication, will help you tolerate your job without having a stroke and give you a better approach to finding a new job. Then you can go down your list and improve areas slowly and gradually, with a lot of self-love and gentleness towards yourself.
Best of luck.
posted by mibo at 7:34 PM on June 21, 2015
My primary suggestion is to switch the priority from finding a different job to finding a good therapist, asap, and talk about meds. My therapist has walked me through the ways a traumatic childhood can impact the brain and how medication can help bring it to a "normal" alignment faster to give you a base to work from. Being in good counseling, and perhaps on medication, will help you tolerate your job without having a stroke and give you a better approach to finding a new job. Then you can go down your list and improve areas slowly and gradually, with a lot of self-love and gentleness towards yourself.
Thanks for the suggestion. Meds are a last line for me; I'm pretty sensitive to medication, and life in general, so I'd like to run out of all options first before I consider that.
Also, re: my job, I'm actually a target of mass bullying by my psychopathic manager, and my director is currently trying to seduce me for whatever creepy, slimy reason she has, so it's not a fun environment for me. It's socially and psychologically violent on a daily basis. I've exhausted all options beyond quitting, hiring an attorney, or finding a new job. There's a very good reason I put finding a new job at the top of my list. It really is a potentially deadly situation.
posted by gehenna_lion at 7:42 PM on June 21, 2015
Thanks for the suggestion. Meds are a last line for me; I'm pretty sensitive to medication, and life in general, so I'd like to run out of all options first before I consider that.
Also, re: my job, I'm actually a target of mass bullying by my psychopathic manager, and my director is currently trying to seduce me for whatever creepy, slimy reason she has, so it's not a fun environment for me. It's socially and psychologically violent on a daily basis. I've exhausted all options beyond quitting, hiring an attorney, or finding a new job. There's a very good reason I put finding a new job at the top of my list. It really is a potentially deadly situation.
posted by gehenna_lion at 7:42 PM on June 21, 2015
Gehenna_lion, I totally trust you to know the priorities of cleaning up your life. Here's a suggestion from someone who also grew up not knowing how to care for herself very well: It's okay to do the bare minimum to start. I used to eat a lot of instant oatmeal that I would add nuts and fruit to. My boyfriend gave me shit about it but I wasn't able to plan well, I needed to eat, and instant oatmeal (depending on the kind you get and I got unsweetened) can be a reasonably healthy way of feeding myself. Also, I learned to decide it was okay to buy frozen meals at Trader Joe's. I hate to cook and my therapist told me that I didn't have to be perfect, I just had to do better and stop either skipping meals or eating shitty, unhealthy food. My perfectionist self is constantly carping cause I'm not doing everything perfect all the time. Now I just tell it to shut the fuck up, sit down and take a breather. Keeping a notebook of what I accomplish each day is really helpful to me because it reminds me to focus on the progress I am actually making instead of my unrealistic ideas about perfection and instant change and other bullshit. So take baby steps, be kind and gentle with yourself when you have a setback (which is human) and love, love, love on yourself just in general. Good luck in finding a healthier job, which is truly important.
posted by Bella Donna at 7:58 PM on June 21, 2015
posted by Bella Donna at 7:58 PM on June 21, 2015
Gehenna Lion, regarding the director's advances,you have inexpensive options via the EEOC or your state's office of civil rights - not that you need to do anything now, if you're in the U.S. sometimes knowing there are options can help you feel less trapped.
posted by childofTethys at 8:47 PM on June 21, 2015
posted by childofTethys at 8:47 PM on June 21, 2015
I agree with stoneweaver. From your previous question, you had $10,000 in savings and solid work experience, grad school etc. so finding a good job long term shouldn't be hard, but it sounds like you can afford to quit and get a low key job as a stopgap for living expenses and such. Your mental health needs to be priority #1 right now, and the better that gets, the more other areas will either resolve themselves or be easier to tackle.
I'm sorry you've had such horrifying experiences with therapists. However, I don't think this is something you can fully work through on your own, and while what you went through makes therapy understandably off-putting, there are lots of good therapists out there and lots of ways to vet them beforehand to make sure they won't scam you or assault you. Call many with good ratings per day, and you will find one who is willing to work with you. Your issues are not undoable and many therapists have helped people in similar situations before.
I think you will have time to find a therapist and go to therapy, you need only spend max 1 hour per day searching for therapists and once you find a good fit, it'll take probably 2-3 hours a week at most of your time. Even if you spend 90% of your free time searching for jobs, you do have time for therapy. And it is essential here.
It also sounds like you won't be able to get better while in your job. If you can afford to quit, quit right now. Have you been actively looking for jobs for the last six months, or was it that life + depression got in the way? I only ask to gauge how difficult it'd be to find a job in your area, but I think you should quit ASAP regardless. If you're at a dead end and have savings, there's no good reason to stay in a job that is this detrimental to your mental health. You are feeling suicidal. You have to get out of there.
I also agree that it's ok to do the bare minimum right now. You don't need to be super effecient and organised and high-flying at work and chugging kale smoothies right now. You just need to start recovering. The girlfriend, the healthier habits, the ability to deal with life...that will all start following once your depression is managed. Right now you are in a crisis and you need to focus on getting out of that first.
Regarding the social issue, are you a member of any forums or anything? Stuff like that helped me a lot during a period in my life when I was very lonely. Sometimes just talking to people online can really help.
I see that you are averse to medication, and that is what it is for now but you really, really need to see a doctor about this (therapist ideally but even starting with a GP and asking for recommendations from there is OK). It is unrealistic to expect yourself to deal with all of this 100% by yourself with no medication or medical/therapeutic help. That doesn't say anything bad about you as a person, it's just the reality of your situation right now. However, maybe things like light exercise (if you can bring yourself to do so) and journaling can help as a stopgap while you decide how to proceed.
I hope things get better for you and I think they can but you just really need to get out of that job and into treatment before anything else can happen.
posted by hejrat at 8:48 PM on June 21, 2015
I'm sorry you've had such horrifying experiences with therapists. However, I don't think this is something you can fully work through on your own, and while what you went through makes therapy understandably off-putting, there are lots of good therapists out there and lots of ways to vet them beforehand to make sure they won't scam you or assault you. Call many with good ratings per day, and you will find one who is willing to work with you. Your issues are not undoable and many therapists have helped people in similar situations before.
I think you will have time to find a therapist and go to therapy, you need only spend max 1 hour per day searching for therapists and once you find a good fit, it'll take probably 2-3 hours a week at most of your time. Even if you spend 90% of your free time searching for jobs, you do have time for therapy. And it is essential here.
It also sounds like you won't be able to get better while in your job. If you can afford to quit, quit right now. Have you been actively looking for jobs for the last six months, or was it that life + depression got in the way? I only ask to gauge how difficult it'd be to find a job in your area, but I think you should quit ASAP regardless. If you're at a dead end and have savings, there's no good reason to stay in a job that is this detrimental to your mental health. You are feeling suicidal. You have to get out of there.
I also agree that it's ok to do the bare minimum right now. You don't need to be super effecient and organised and high-flying at work and chugging kale smoothies right now. You just need to start recovering. The girlfriend, the healthier habits, the ability to deal with life...that will all start following once your depression is managed. Right now you are in a crisis and you need to focus on getting out of that first.
Regarding the social issue, are you a member of any forums or anything? Stuff like that helped me a lot during a period in my life when I was very lonely. Sometimes just talking to people online can really help.
I see that you are averse to medication, and that is what it is for now but you really, really need to see a doctor about this (therapist ideally but even starting with a GP and asking for recommendations from there is OK). It is unrealistic to expect yourself to deal with all of this 100% by yourself with no medication or medical/therapeutic help. That doesn't say anything bad about you as a person, it's just the reality of your situation right now. However, maybe things like light exercise (if you can bring yourself to do so) and journaling can help as a stopgap while you decide how to proceed.
I hope things get better for you and I think they can but you just really need to get out of that job and into treatment before anything else can happen.
posted by hejrat at 8:48 PM on June 21, 2015
1. For all things money, check out the answers to this question. For cleaning, check out Unfuck Your Habitat.
2. & 4. It's easy for me to say, but if it's that toxic, and you have a financial cushion to stay afloat, I would quit now. Beyond that, the job hunting basics: apply to at least 3 new jobs a week. Make sure your resume is up to date and up on Indeed. Aim higher than your current job, whatever that means to you: bigger salary, better hours or benefits. Making sure you are keeping your skills current is a good thing to be concerned about, yes, but all your skills becoming obsolete is probably not an immediate danger for you. I would keep professional development as a good long-term goal that doesn't need to be your primary focus right now. Let yourself come back to this once you're in good or at least better place.
3. I would put dating off the table for a bit until you're in a more stable place, but it definitely sounds like you could use a friendly ear and low-key spaces to socialize and make friends. I second hejrat's suggestion of online forums. If you can find a good one, maybe start reading a posting a couple times a week.
5. Do you have health insurance? If so, make an appointment with a primary care physician for a checkup. I know it's hard to take time out of work for stuff like this, but all you have to say is "doctor's appointment." Get a referral for a therapist and nutritionist while you're there. For a start on food, check out the many AskMe's like this one for some easy meal suggestions. As some folks already suggested, it's ok to prepare really simple food, or buy prepackaged frozen meals to get you through rough spots. Take a multi-vitamin just in case. Try to get to sleep earlier than you think you need to for a few nights if you can.
6. Maybe look at this as not a problem, exactly, but as...kind of exciting? You are discovering yourself as a self-aware adult, which is scary in some ways, but could also be exhilarating. I know you don't have a ton of free time, but when you get a chance, consider journaling or making art. When you find yourself having a spontaneous opinion or reaction, let it sink in and take note. These are really cool discoveries. I think the most interesting people never stop making them.
7. 8. 9. Not being flip, but: therapy. I'm sorry you have had such terrible experiences, but I really hope those were exceptions. Obviously there is no easy way to weed out potential sexual harassers, but before starting with a new one, you could ask if you can have a quick conversation by phone to discuss the main things you need help with, and ask if they are willing to work on these issues with you. Other people have said why this will be of value more eloquently, but it's worth the time.
If this seems overwhelming, remember you don't have to do it all right now. Maybe make the next month about your mental and physical health and job searching, and the next couple months about that about your finances and expanding your social life, and the month after that on improving your cooking and cleaning skills and make plans for professional development. You can do this, but you don't have to do it all now or get it right on the first try.
posted by prewar lemonade at 9:21 PM on June 21, 2015
2. & 4. It's easy for me to say, but if it's that toxic, and you have a financial cushion to stay afloat, I would quit now. Beyond that, the job hunting basics: apply to at least 3 new jobs a week. Make sure your resume is up to date and up on Indeed. Aim higher than your current job, whatever that means to you: bigger salary, better hours or benefits. Making sure you are keeping your skills current is a good thing to be concerned about, yes, but all your skills becoming obsolete is probably not an immediate danger for you. I would keep professional development as a good long-term goal that doesn't need to be your primary focus right now. Let yourself come back to this once you're in good or at least better place.
3. I would put dating off the table for a bit until you're in a more stable place, but it definitely sounds like you could use a friendly ear and low-key spaces to socialize and make friends. I second hejrat's suggestion of online forums. If you can find a good one, maybe start reading a posting a couple times a week.
5. Do you have health insurance? If so, make an appointment with a primary care physician for a checkup. I know it's hard to take time out of work for stuff like this, but all you have to say is "doctor's appointment." Get a referral for a therapist and nutritionist while you're there. For a start on food, check out the many AskMe's like this one for some easy meal suggestions. As some folks already suggested, it's ok to prepare really simple food, or buy prepackaged frozen meals to get you through rough spots. Take a multi-vitamin just in case. Try to get to sleep earlier than you think you need to for a few nights if you can.
6. Maybe look at this as not a problem, exactly, but as...kind of exciting? You are discovering yourself as a self-aware adult, which is scary in some ways, but could also be exhilarating. I know you don't have a ton of free time, but when you get a chance, consider journaling or making art. When you find yourself having a spontaneous opinion or reaction, let it sink in and take note. These are really cool discoveries. I think the most interesting people never stop making them.
7. 8. 9. Not being flip, but: therapy. I'm sorry you have had such terrible experiences, but I really hope those were exceptions. Obviously there is no easy way to weed out potential sexual harassers, but before starting with a new one, you could ask if you can have a quick conversation by phone to discuss the main things you need help with, and ask if they are willing to work on these issues with you. Other people have said why this will be of value more eloquently, but it's worth the time.
If this seems overwhelming, remember you don't have to do it all right now. Maybe make the next month about your mental and physical health and job searching, and the next couple months about that about your finances and expanding your social life, and the month after that on improving your cooking and cleaning skills and make plans for professional development. You can do this, but you don't have to do it all now or get it right on the first try.
posted by prewar lemonade at 9:21 PM on June 21, 2015
You asked essentially the same question a few months ago and so far are getting very similar answers now. Is there any reason you aren't following previous advice? I mean, you can keep asking the same questions and we can keep telling you steps to take but really you're only spinning your wheels and wasting everyone's time unless you actually start making concrete changes to your life by taking some kind of action. And yes, to reiterate, therapy and leave your job. But you know that already.
posted by Jubey at 10:20 PM on June 21, 2015
posted by Jubey at 10:20 PM on June 21, 2015
Maybe tackle all these issues in an order like this?
1. Reduce your cost of living (if you haven't already) so that you can afford unemployment and or going back to school. Move to a cheaper place?
1a. Maybe move into a group house? It could help with the isolation. Don't do this if there's a risk you'd choose an abusive environment.
2. Figure out what job you could get in, like, 1-3 weeks. For instance, have you ever been a waiter / waitress? Or worked retail? Make a version of your resume for that. Maybe do this Monday night after work.
3. Tuesday, call in sick. Go to restaurant after restaurant giving them your resume. Fill out the other application they have. Ask when the manager will be in. Come back then and say you just wanted to introduce yourself in person, because you really love [restaurant] and would love to work there if they ever need someone.
4. Start therapy. I don't know your insurance situation, but see if you can get access via your current job.
5. Quit as soon as you get a restaurant job. See if you can buy a few months of health coverage on your way out.
6. Then focus on your health. Develop exercise and healthy eating habits.
6. Figure out what to do with your extra time that will make you happier. Get a dog. Join a gym or a club to meet people.
7. Keep going to therapy.
8. Figure out what you want to do with your career. Apply to grad school or a coding academy or an internship in that field. Then start looking for real jobs along those lines.
I really think a lot of this is your job. I've been pretty miserable whenever I was working 60 hour weeks in a job I otherwise LIKED. Not only does it make you miserable, pretty much everyone who works 60 hours / wk is fairly socially isolated and mostly "coasting" on previous friendships, not building a social life from scratch. Almost nobody who works 60 hour weeks has healthy eating and exercise habits. On top of this, you need to make space for therapy and maybe even going back to school. So it may all come down to finding a way to quit your job ASAP? I dunno, that's just my quick brainstorm as a random person from the Internet. Good luck.
posted by salvia at 11:02 PM on June 21, 2015
1. Reduce your cost of living (if you haven't already) so that you can afford unemployment and or going back to school. Move to a cheaper place?
1a. Maybe move into a group house? It could help with the isolation. Don't do this if there's a risk you'd choose an abusive environment.
2. Figure out what job you could get in, like, 1-3 weeks. For instance, have you ever been a waiter / waitress? Or worked retail? Make a version of your resume for that. Maybe do this Monday night after work.
3. Tuesday, call in sick. Go to restaurant after restaurant giving them your resume. Fill out the other application they have. Ask when the manager will be in. Come back then and say you just wanted to introduce yourself in person, because you really love [restaurant] and would love to work there if they ever need someone.
4. Start therapy. I don't know your insurance situation, but see if you can get access via your current job.
5. Quit as soon as you get a restaurant job. See if you can buy a few months of health coverage on your way out.
6. Then focus on your health. Develop exercise and healthy eating habits.
6. Figure out what to do with your extra time that will make you happier. Get a dog. Join a gym or a club to meet people.
7. Keep going to therapy.
8. Figure out what you want to do with your career. Apply to grad school or a coding academy or an internship in that field. Then start looking for real jobs along those lines.
I really think a lot of this is your job. I've been pretty miserable whenever I was working 60 hour weeks in a job I otherwise LIKED. Not only does it make you miserable, pretty much everyone who works 60 hours / wk is fairly socially isolated and mostly "coasting" on previous friendships, not building a social life from scratch. Almost nobody who works 60 hour weeks has healthy eating and exercise habits. On top of this, you need to make space for therapy and maybe even going back to school. So it may all come down to finding a way to quit your job ASAP? I dunno, that's just my quick brainstorm as a random person from the Internet. Good luck.
posted by salvia at 11:02 PM on June 21, 2015
You asked essentially the same question a few months ago and so far are getting very similar answers now. Is there any reason you aren't following previous advice? I mean, you can keep asking the same questions and we can keep telling you steps to take but really you're only spinning your wheels and wasting everyone's time unless you actually start making concrete changes to your life by taking some kind of action. And yes, to reiterate, therapy and leave your job. But you know that already.
When I said all of this screwed up stuff seemed "normal" to me, I wasn't kidding. I'm only now realizing how bad being abused at my job is ... or how unhappy I really am. It's a very slow and painful process of reality sinking in. Ya know? It's not a fun experience realizing your entire concept of life was completely messed up. If I've had Stockholm Syndrome with this job, then I really had it bad with my family who got this whole ball rolling. "Cool, my family was a bunch of psychopathic monsters to me, and now my entire sense of reality is crumbling. Good times."
I'm not kidding here, my family did a serious number on me... I mean, my grandfather was a psychological warfare officer in the military and a PR exec, my mom was something of a child prodigy who started college right after puberty, my dad comes from a slick political family, etc, etc. etc. Whatever these people did to me, they did a really good job of it, and they seriously knew what they were doing. Hats off to them, I guess... at least I'm a free man now, so that's what counts. When I said I spent 4 years of hard work undoing the manipulation, that's not a joke: I probably spent a good 13,000 hours on it, and it was like spending 4 years writing a dissertation in hell.
Thank you for all this great advice, I appreciate it. This whole thing is brand new to me, so I guess it's pretty exciting. Like this is the first time in my life that I can really start living, I just have a lot of work to do to get myself on my feet.
posted by gehenna_lion at 3:28 AM on June 22, 2015
When I said all of this screwed up stuff seemed "normal" to me, I wasn't kidding. I'm only now realizing how bad being abused at my job is ... or how unhappy I really am. It's a very slow and painful process of reality sinking in. Ya know? It's not a fun experience realizing your entire concept of life was completely messed up. If I've had Stockholm Syndrome with this job, then I really had it bad with my family who got this whole ball rolling. "Cool, my family was a bunch of psychopathic monsters to me, and now my entire sense of reality is crumbling. Good times."
I'm not kidding here, my family did a serious number on me... I mean, my grandfather was a psychological warfare officer in the military and a PR exec, my mom was something of a child prodigy who started college right after puberty, my dad comes from a slick political family, etc, etc. etc. Whatever these people did to me, they did a really good job of it, and they seriously knew what they were doing. Hats off to them, I guess... at least I'm a free man now, so that's what counts. When I said I spent 4 years of hard work undoing the manipulation, that's not a joke: I probably spent a good 13,000 hours on it, and it was like spending 4 years writing a dissertation in hell.
Thank you for all this great advice, I appreciate it. This whole thing is brand new to me, so I guess it's pretty exciting. Like this is the first time in my life that I can really start living, I just have a lot of work to do to get myself on my feet.
posted by gehenna_lion at 3:28 AM on June 22, 2015
I'm sorry if I came across as overly harsh, I really respect what you're trying to do. Yes, it's not going to happen overnight, but you've gotten excellent advice here on some step by steps that you can take. I think like any huge life change, you just need to break it down into manageable chunks which is what some other posters are focusing on. That and maintaining your mental health so you can actually tackle it. Best of luck to you.
posted by Jubey at 3:37 AM on June 22, 2015
posted by Jubey at 3:37 AM on June 22, 2015
One thing that helped me is to realize that a lot of the stuff you've listed are things that most adults all struggle with. It makes it easier to relax and try to just do my level best at improving my habits and look after myself if the failure to do my best (or fix some things at all!) is not tied to some grand overarching problem arising out of my f'd childhood. Turns out, most adults don't look after themselves very well, so I don't have to freak out that my particular issues are caused by forces beyond my contol -- sure, maybe they are, but the solution to the issues is not out of my control and it is really just baby steps to good habits and self-compassion (especially if self-love is hard). That's hard, but not beyond my ability (I hope)
posted by girlpublisher at 4:40 AM on June 22, 2015
posted by girlpublisher at 4:40 AM on June 22, 2015
There is the long, steady road to recovery and then there is the quick, messy on, which is more fun. You were probably never allowed to make mistakes, right? Mistakes are how we learn about who we are, what we love, what we don't love, and who we don't want to be. Mistakes are awesome. Start making some. Quit the job with no new job in site. Sell your stuff. Go somewhere that you have always thought might be interesting. Challenge yourself to do one new thing every day. Allow yourself a slacker year where you do nothing more than turn into your families worse nightmare (no drugs or other illegal activity). Get a little messy. Do everything that they always told you that you shouldn't or couldn't do. Prove them wrong. And then, after all of that, find what makes you happy.
The best to break the control that they still have over you is to break your patterns completely.
During this time, it would be best if you had a circle of friends to keep you from getting taken advantage of again. You have been conditioned in your life to be a follower/victim. You need to find people who won't do that to you again. Musicians are usually a pretty cool bunch of people. Take guitar lessons from a professional, gigging musician. Go to live shows. Put yourself out there. I would normally recommend church but organized religion could be dangerous for you. Still, though, read your Bible and take some time to pray. God has made you uncomfortable in your life right now for a reason. It is time for a change. Ask for His help in your change. It will go easier on you.
Also decide that your past is your past and, starting today, you are who you made yourself to be. You are the only one to blame for your unhappiness from this day on. And, therefore, you are the one who can fix it.
posted by myselfasme at 6:08 AM on June 22, 2015
The best to break the control that they still have over you is to break your patterns completely.
During this time, it would be best if you had a circle of friends to keep you from getting taken advantage of again. You have been conditioned in your life to be a follower/victim. You need to find people who won't do that to you again. Musicians are usually a pretty cool bunch of people. Take guitar lessons from a professional, gigging musician. Go to live shows. Put yourself out there. I would normally recommend church but organized religion could be dangerous for you. Still, though, read your Bible and take some time to pray. God has made you uncomfortable in your life right now for a reason. It is time for a change. Ask for His help in your change. It will go easier on you.
Also decide that your past is your past and, starting today, you are who you made yourself to be. You are the only one to blame for your unhappiness from this day on. And, therefore, you are the one who can fix it.
posted by myselfasme at 6:08 AM on June 22, 2015
Dude find another job. You spend over half your waking life in what you describe as a miserable environment.
posted by pravit at 6:14 AM on June 22, 2015
posted by pravit at 6:14 AM on June 22, 2015
I really really get this. You can look back at some of my posts for descriptions of my abuse if you want but I don't feel the need to describe it here.
Pandora Project was by far the most useful thing for me in my early recovery outside of therapy. The forum and chat room were so so so helpful.
Take time for therapy. It is 1 to 2 hours a week. You are already spending so much time thinking about it, losing sleep and not eating well over it. Dedicating time to work on it to help contain it is the way to go.
Medication and specialized trauma hospitalizations (not a general ward) did me so so much good. It helped calm me down to a point I whetr I was unrecognizable to myself at first. Also it helped me process some really troubling things.
Tell any therapist that you want to work with that they need training in complex trauma and ask how do they work with someone who had been abused by a past professional. Their answers will help toy decide if they are a waste of time or not.
Much luck. Break things down into tasks as small as possible. Don't beat yourself up for forgetting things, Trauma does weird things to memory.
Meditation may be to difficult at this time, some times an active task (knitting, collaging, coloring) can be easier and calming and have similar effects.
Get out of that job anyway you can.
Disclaimer: IAMA licensed therapist but not your therapist. I currently do not provide therapy in anyway. Nothing I say here is clinical advice. I have not evaluated you in anyway to form a professional opinion.
posted by AlexiaSky at 7:16 AM on June 22, 2015
Pandora Project was by far the most useful thing for me in my early recovery outside of therapy. The forum and chat room were so so so helpful.
Take time for therapy. It is 1 to 2 hours a week. You are already spending so much time thinking about it, losing sleep and not eating well over it. Dedicating time to work on it to help contain it is the way to go.
Medication and specialized trauma hospitalizations (not a general ward) did me so so much good. It helped calm me down to a point I whetr I was unrecognizable to myself at first. Also it helped me process some really troubling things.
Tell any therapist that you want to work with that they need training in complex trauma and ask how do they work with someone who had been abused by a past professional. Their answers will help toy decide if they are a waste of time or not.
Much luck. Break things down into tasks as small as possible. Don't beat yourself up for forgetting things, Trauma does weird things to memory.
Meditation may be to difficult at this time, some times an active task (knitting, collaging, coloring) can be easier and calming and have similar effects.
Get out of that job anyway you can.
Disclaimer: IAMA licensed therapist but not your therapist. I currently do not provide therapy in anyway. Nothing I say here is clinical advice. I have not evaluated you in anyway to form a professional opinion.
posted by AlexiaSky at 7:16 AM on June 22, 2015
I agree so hard with everybody who says to just walk away from your job and fall apart a little bit. The exhausting demands of keeping yourself together are what's paralyzing you: it's so obvious, reading this question, that you feel like you're at the edge of a precipice, clinging on by your fingertips. I know it feels counterintuitive, and like the scariest thing you can imagine, but you need to let go. Let yourself fall so that you can start working on getting up again.
Imagine if I told you a story about someone who came from the most destructive, abusive, mind-fucking family you could imagine; who ended up, in a horrible twist of fate, at a job where that dynamic was replicated daily, to the extent that nearly his every waking moment was suffering and he was coming close to contemplating suicide. And then one day, he just... walked away. His alarm went off and he took a shower and got dressed and instead of going to his job, he went to the park. He left his phone at home, and he lay in the grass and looked at the clouds, and took a nap, and then he got up and went to a restaurant and ate a big, delicious, slightly expensive meal all by himself. And then he bought a cup of coffee and walked around the city all afternoon, not worrying or thinking or trying to make plans, just taking everything in and trying to remember the point of being alive. Eventually, he went home and called his job and told them he wasn't coming back. He didn't give notice; he didn't even pick up his stuff. The people at work had to scramble to cover his absence; it was chaotic for a little while but it died down after a few weeks, and every once in a while, for the next year, they would ask each other, "Hey, remember Gehenna_lion and the way he just disappeared? Whatever happened to that guy?" but pretty soon they forgot about it.
And what happened to him was that the next day, he slept eight hours and woke up and made himself breakfast and still didn't turn on his phone, and he didn't think about the future and he didn't plan or budget or send out resumes; he just took more long walks and though about his past and his present and bought some books and read them and sat in the park and wrote long letters to his family that he didn't send. He dropped in at an AA meeting once, just to see what it was like, and listened to people talk about all the things they'd survived, and the way they'd hit rock bottom, the terrible mistakes they'd made and the way they'd managed to claw their way from self-inflicted disaster to rebuild good, decent lives for themselves. And he stopped in at a church once even though he wasn't religious and listened to a sermon and went to coffee hour and chatted with other people. He went one day to a soup kitchen and volunteered there, and there was a game night at a comic store near his house he'd always meant to check out, so one day he did that, and it was fun, but he wasn't committing to anything or trying to fix anything or make any plans; he was just kind of floating and taking life as it came. Each day didn't get him anywhere or solve anything, but it was a day he was glad he'd lived, and that was new to him, and he was slowly getting used to it.
And then one day he walked past a coffee shop he liked and there was a sign in the window that said Help Wanted and so he wandered in and applied and got the job. He did that for a while and found he enjoyed it pretty well; he liked talking to people and feeling tired at the end of the day instead of anxious, and anyway he only did it part time. Then after a while he stopped liking it so he walked away and got a job behind the deli counter at a grocery store, and his savings were almost gone and he moved into a slightly cheaper apartment with some roommates, and there was a mean voice in his head yelling at him about how he was ruining his life and would never recovering from the irresponsible decisions he was making, but then he remembered those people at AA and how they'd rebuilt their lives slowly, and patiently, and with help from the people who loved them, and that gave him hope. So he kept showing up at work and at the liberal church he'd discovered that he really liked, and this other meditation group he'd found, and his credit got kind of fucked and he didn't have much money and he couldn't really afford to eat out or buy fancy clothes, but he had time to cook and time to sleep and time to walk around the neighborhood. And he'd gone to this free clinic and gotten a prescription for antidepressants and he could feel them working because all the voices in his head that had been berating him so loudly his whole life had suddenly and wonderfully gone quiet.
And then one day he was talking to somebody after his meditation group and they mentioned a problem they were having at work, and he realized they were in the same field, and so they discussed the problem for a while and the guy said, hey, you know, I think we might have some freelance work for you if you're interested, why don't you send over your resume. And so he did, and he told his friend an abbreviated version of what had happened at work, which had seemed like a monumental disaster at the time, but it turned out the friend didn't really care. He got some freelance work that paid pretty well and was interesting, and after a few months an opening for a full-time position came up and they offered it to him, but he turned it down, because he realized that all his needs were being met and he liked living simply and having time to cook and exercise and sleep and spend time with the friends he'd made at meditation group and game night and church, especially this one girl he'd been spending a lot of time with lately. And years went by and every once in a while he would remember how terrible things had been right before he'd left his job, and feel how he'd felt so trapped, and like there was no way out, but all the while the door to happiness had been standing wide open, and all he'd ever had to do was walk through it.
posted by pretentious illiterate at 7:18 AM on June 22, 2015
Imagine if I told you a story about someone who came from the most destructive, abusive, mind-fucking family you could imagine; who ended up, in a horrible twist of fate, at a job where that dynamic was replicated daily, to the extent that nearly his every waking moment was suffering and he was coming close to contemplating suicide. And then one day, he just... walked away. His alarm went off and he took a shower and got dressed and instead of going to his job, he went to the park. He left his phone at home, and he lay in the grass and looked at the clouds, and took a nap, and then he got up and went to a restaurant and ate a big, delicious, slightly expensive meal all by himself. And then he bought a cup of coffee and walked around the city all afternoon, not worrying or thinking or trying to make plans, just taking everything in and trying to remember the point of being alive. Eventually, he went home and called his job and told them he wasn't coming back. He didn't give notice; he didn't even pick up his stuff. The people at work had to scramble to cover his absence; it was chaotic for a little while but it died down after a few weeks, and every once in a while, for the next year, they would ask each other, "Hey, remember Gehenna_lion and the way he just disappeared? Whatever happened to that guy?" but pretty soon they forgot about it.
And what happened to him was that the next day, he slept eight hours and woke up and made himself breakfast and still didn't turn on his phone, and he didn't think about the future and he didn't plan or budget or send out resumes; he just took more long walks and though about his past and his present and bought some books and read them and sat in the park and wrote long letters to his family that he didn't send. He dropped in at an AA meeting once, just to see what it was like, and listened to people talk about all the things they'd survived, and the way they'd hit rock bottom, the terrible mistakes they'd made and the way they'd managed to claw their way from self-inflicted disaster to rebuild good, decent lives for themselves. And he stopped in at a church once even though he wasn't religious and listened to a sermon and went to coffee hour and chatted with other people. He went one day to a soup kitchen and volunteered there, and there was a game night at a comic store near his house he'd always meant to check out, so one day he did that, and it was fun, but he wasn't committing to anything or trying to fix anything or make any plans; he was just kind of floating and taking life as it came. Each day didn't get him anywhere or solve anything, but it was a day he was glad he'd lived, and that was new to him, and he was slowly getting used to it.
And then one day he walked past a coffee shop he liked and there was a sign in the window that said Help Wanted and so he wandered in and applied and got the job. He did that for a while and found he enjoyed it pretty well; he liked talking to people and feeling tired at the end of the day instead of anxious, and anyway he only did it part time. Then after a while he stopped liking it so he walked away and got a job behind the deli counter at a grocery store, and his savings were almost gone and he moved into a slightly cheaper apartment with some roommates, and there was a mean voice in his head yelling at him about how he was ruining his life and would never recovering from the irresponsible decisions he was making, but then he remembered those people at AA and how they'd rebuilt their lives slowly, and patiently, and with help from the people who loved them, and that gave him hope. So he kept showing up at work and at the liberal church he'd discovered that he really liked, and this other meditation group he'd found, and his credit got kind of fucked and he didn't have much money and he couldn't really afford to eat out or buy fancy clothes, but he had time to cook and time to sleep and time to walk around the neighborhood. And he'd gone to this free clinic and gotten a prescription for antidepressants and he could feel them working because all the voices in his head that had been berating him so loudly his whole life had suddenly and wonderfully gone quiet.
And then one day he was talking to somebody after his meditation group and they mentioned a problem they were having at work, and he realized they were in the same field, and so they discussed the problem for a while and the guy said, hey, you know, I think we might have some freelance work for you if you're interested, why don't you send over your resume. And so he did, and he told his friend an abbreviated version of what had happened at work, which had seemed like a monumental disaster at the time, but it turned out the friend didn't really care. He got some freelance work that paid pretty well and was interesting, and after a few months an opening for a full-time position came up and they offered it to him, but he turned it down, because he realized that all his needs were being met and he liked living simply and having time to cook and exercise and sleep and spend time with the friends he'd made at meditation group and game night and church, especially this one girl he'd been spending a lot of time with lately. And years went by and every once in a while he would remember how terrible things had been right before he'd left his job, and feel how he'd felt so trapped, and like there was no way out, but all the while the door to happiness had been standing wide open, and all he'd ever had to do was walk through it.
posted by pretentious illiterate at 7:18 AM on June 22, 2015
If quitting your job is too big a step, what would happen if you stopped working 60 hours per week? Start coming in later and leaving at 5 on the dot. Take a lunch hour. Don't care if "all" your work gets done or not - do your best in the time that you spend there, then just shut down the computer (or whatever) and leave at 5.
Practice some phrases to answer the potential questions from your bosses like "that just won't be possible" or "I really need to work on my home/life balance" or "Help me prioritize the tasks so I make sure I get the most important things done while I'm here" or "I've been doing the work of two people and I can't physically sustain it anymore; my doctor insists that I cut back, so I am".
The worst that can happen is that they fire you, which is fine because you shouldn't be in that job anyway and now you will be eligible for unemployment, which can help tide you over until you find a better job.
posted by CathyG at 10:20 AM on June 22, 2015
Practice some phrases to answer the potential questions from your bosses like "that just won't be possible" or "I really need to work on my home/life balance" or "Help me prioritize the tasks so I make sure I get the most important things done while I'm here" or "I've been doing the work of two people and I can't physically sustain it anymore; my doctor insists that I cut back, so I am".
The worst that can happen is that they fire you, which is fine because you shouldn't be in that job anyway and now you will be eligible for unemployment, which can help tide you over until you find a better job.
posted by CathyG at 10:20 AM on June 22, 2015
You've been able to hang in there with your job since your question in January, and you still don't have a new job, and you still aren't in therapy, so I think you need to take a very hard, very realistic look at how effectively your depression is creating thoughts that allow it to survive. As someone who is prone to depression periodically, I can tell you from hard-earned experience that the hardest part about coming out of depression is getting up the gumption to take the first positive step toward mental health. In the midst of depression, the idea of working toward mental health can seem like a huge slog, a burden, something that you just don't have the energy for right now, and maybe it's not even worth it, etc. etc. Those thoughts are the struggle for survival of your depression, they're not your rational mind and they are not true.
Your list is made up entirely of first priorities and that is excellent misdirection on the part of your depression. Hiding in plain sight is the need for a therapist, but it's only one of many first priorities and you can brush it off with "I don't have time -- I need to find a new job." What if you couldn't find a new job until you got into therapy? You haven't found a new one yet, even though I assume you've been looking steadily for this whole time.
Don't listen to your depression. You DO have time to see a therapist. And you need to put this at the top of your list and stop waffling around among all your wants and needs until you take care of this one thing.
posted by janey47 at 10:37 AM on June 22, 2015
Your list is made up entirely of first priorities and that is excellent misdirection on the part of your depression. Hiding in plain sight is the need for a therapist, but it's only one of many first priorities and you can brush it off with "I don't have time -- I need to find a new job." What if you couldn't find a new job until you got into therapy? You haven't found a new one yet, even though I assume you've been looking steadily for this whole time.
Don't listen to your depression. You DO have time to see a therapist. And you need to put this at the top of your list and stop waffling around among all your wants and needs until you take care of this one thing.
posted by janey47 at 10:37 AM on June 22, 2015
I agree with those above who say you should quit your job but want to advise against the assumption that if you get fired, you'll get unemployment. This varies from state to state and also depends on the reason for the firing (and from the sounds of things, they may try to fire you for a reason that will block your access to unemployment and you may not feel up for fighting them on that). Definitely don't plan on getting fired with the assumption that you'll get unemployment from it.
But yeah, walk away from that job and get something low-key for now! Or work normal 40 hour weeks till you get fired from it--just without the assumption that you'll get unemployment. Find out what the laws are in your location.
Also like others, I think the job and the therapy should be your priorities and lots of stuff on your list are things most adults struggle with. It's great that you have such a thoughtful, well-organized list. You don't have to tackle every item on it at the same time. You can do this!
posted by tiger tiger at 10:50 AM on June 22, 2015
But yeah, walk away from that job and get something low-key for now! Or work normal 40 hour weeks till you get fired from it--just without the assumption that you'll get unemployment. Find out what the laws are in your location.
Also like others, I think the job and the therapy should be your priorities and lots of stuff on your list are things most adults struggle with. It's great that you have such a thoughtful, well-organized list. You don't have to tackle every item on it at the same time. You can do this!
posted by tiger tiger at 10:50 AM on June 22, 2015
1) Get a handle on being an independent adult. Budgeting, finances, saving for retirement, creating a plan to pay off my loans. Basic life skills like keeping up with grooming, cleanliness, time management, that sort-of thing.
Talk to your bank. They can recommend simple investments, and perhaps consolidated loans.
Shower thoroughly once a day. Brush your teeth twice a day, preferably flossing before bed. When you hair gets shaggy, go to a hairdresser. A $15 cut is as good as a $50 cut.
2) Find a new job. My current one is dangerous for my health, my mind, and my career. It's incredibly, dangerously abusive, and is very reminiscent of my "psychopathic" family. I don't want to get into it here, but it's bad news.
Stand up to them. You basically have a “bully me” sign on your back. Your family bullied you, your workplace bullies you, your therapists bullied you. Take that sign off your back and hold your head up. (and if you’re fired, it will be all for the good).
3) Social life/dating. I haven't been in a relationship with a woman in 11 years. I haven't had sex in about four years, and I never enjoyed the sex I had. I'm also 100% isolated in the world right now and it is excruciatingly painful. No friends, no family, abusive co-workers. Not a good scene.
Dating is not your first priority. As you improve your life, you might meet someone special. For now, find some social groups just to practice conversation skills. Cooking classes, craft classes, art classes, exercise groups…
4) My career is at a dead-end right now and I need to keep building up my skills and have a decent direction, otherwise I'm going to be unemployable at some point in the future, and I really don't want that to happen because I literally have NO fallback. No family here.
Most people have no fallback. Aim for a happy life, not a prosperous life.
5) Health and diet are screwy. I don't eat well or regularly, and have a very poor idea of how to take care of myself. I learned my body and mind meant nothing, so I never figured I had to take care of this stuff. Well, apparently it's one of the most important things a person has to do for themselves.
Canada’s food guide provides basic information on how to eat well. You can fine-tune it as you go along, but it will give you the basics on healthy eating.
Walk every day, and start learning basic exercise routines.
6) I still have a very vague sense of who I am as a person. I'm only discovering who I am now, like ... my personality, values, interests, wants and desires, temperament, etc.
We are all constantly learning who we are. I had a somewhat dysfunctional family (though nothing like yours) and I was in my 30s before I learned that I am an intelligent person whose opinions have merit. Now in my 50s, I am self-confident most of the time, stand up to bullies, and express my own opinions (while still listening to those of others). My 20-year-old self would not recognize me now. Keep working on it; it will come.
7) I have trouble coping with stress, rejection, failure, difficulties in life, etc. I do OK but it gets me off track easily.
Again, just hold your head up and know that you are a strong, worthwhile person.
8) I'm so miserable and overwhelmed that suicide seems like a pretty good way out sometimes. I have not enjoyed myself in so long I don't even remember what it's like to feel good, or even OK. I'm talking decades here. Decades of misery, pain, isolation, and confusion.
Do you enjoy being in nature? I find that walking in the forest, the mountains, or the seashore recharges me and brings me back to what is important.
Also, do like animals? Pets are wonderful for showing you unconditional love and for bringing fun into your life. Also, I meet a lot of nice people when I am out walking my dog, so there is a social side to it too.
9) Recovering from childhood abuse and the influence my fucked up family had on me. Imagine growing up in a family of intelligent, bona-fide psychopaths ... it was not a fun experience to make the understatement of the year, and it messed up my head big time.
There are lots of good books on overcoming child abuse. I found this book very helpful; you might find others that are more suitable. Amazon is good for suggesting similar books. If you can find a good therapist, that would be great, but do supplement therapy with reading.
- So on and so forth. I work about 60 hours a week so I only have about two hours of free time during the day. Also weekends.
This is terrible. Working 60 hours a week does not give you a life. If you aren’t able to quit your job for financial reasons, at least scale back your hours. If they fire you, it might turn out to be the best thing that ever happened to you.
Above all, do not commit suicide. Don’t let the bastards win. There is a saying making the rounds of the internet: “Suicide does not end the chances of life getting worse. Suicide eliminates the possibility of it ever getting better.”
The world has a lot to offer. Trust in life; trust that you can experience happiness. Trust in yourself to be strong and wise. Know that you are loved; internet strangers take the time to try and help you. In turn, show love to others and make yourself helpful to others – turning your attention away from yourself can be helpful.
posted by LauraJ at 11:26 AM on June 22, 2015
Talk to your bank. They can recommend simple investments, and perhaps consolidated loans.
Shower thoroughly once a day. Brush your teeth twice a day, preferably flossing before bed. When you hair gets shaggy, go to a hairdresser. A $15 cut is as good as a $50 cut.
2) Find a new job. My current one is dangerous for my health, my mind, and my career. It's incredibly, dangerously abusive, and is very reminiscent of my "psychopathic" family. I don't want to get into it here, but it's bad news.
Stand up to them. You basically have a “bully me” sign on your back. Your family bullied you, your workplace bullies you, your therapists bullied you. Take that sign off your back and hold your head up. (and if you’re fired, it will be all for the good).
3) Social life/dating. I haven't been in a relationship with a woman in 11 years. I haven't had sex in about four years, and I never enjoyed the sex I had. I'm also 100% isolated in the world right now and it is excruciatingly painful. No friends, no family, abusive co-workers. Not a good scene.
Dating is not your first priority. As you improve your life, you might meet someone special. For now, find some social groups just to practice conversation skills. Cooking classes, craft classes, art classes, exercise groups…
4) My career is at a dead-end right now and I need to keep building up my skills and have a decent direction, otherwise I'm going to be unemployable at some point in the future, and I really don't want that to happen because I literally have NO fallback. No family here.
Most people have no fallback. Aim for a happy life, not a prosperous life.
5) Health and diet are screwy. I don't eat well or regularly, and have a very poor idea of how to take care of myself. I learned my body and mind meant nothing, so I never figured I had to take care of this stuff. Well, apparently it's one of the most important things a person has to do for themselves.
Canada’s food guide provides basic information on how to eat well. You can fine-tune it as you go along, but it will give you the basics on healthy eating.
Walk every day, and start learning basic exercise routines.
6) I still have a very vague sense of who I am as a person. I'm only discovering who I am now, like ... my personality, values, interests, wants and desires, temperament, etc.
We are all constantly learning who we are. I had a somewhat dysfunctional family (though nothing like yours) and I was in my 30s before I learned that I am an intelligent person whose opinions have merit. Now in my 50s, I am self-confident most of the time, stand up to bullies, and express my own opinions (while still listening to those of others). My 20-year-old self would not recognize me now. Keep working on it; it will come.
7) I have trouble coping with stress, rejection, failure, difficulties in life, etc. I do OK but it gets me off track easily.
Again, just hold your head up and know that you are a strong, worthwhile person.
8) I'm so miserable and overwhelmed that suicide seems like a pretty good way out sometimes. I have not enjoyed myself in so long I don't even remember what it's like to feel good, or even OK. I'm talking decades here. Decades of misery, pain, isolation, and confusion.
Do you enjoy being in nature? I find that walking in the forest, the mountains, or the seashore recharges me and brings me back to what is important.
Also, do like animals? Pets are wonderful for showing you unconditional love and for bringing fun into your life. Also, I meet a lot of nice people when I am out walking my dog, so there is a social side to it too.
9) Recovering from childhood abuse and the influence my fucked up family had on me. Imagine growing up in a family of intelligent, bona-fide psychopaths ... it was not a fun experience to make the understatement of the year, and it messed up my head big time.
There are lots of good books on overcoming child abuse. I found this book very helpful; you might find others that are more suitable. Amazon is good for suggesting similar books. If you can find a good therapist, that would be great, but do supplement therapy with reading.
- So on and so forth. I work about 60 hours a week so I only have about two hours of free time during the day. Also weekends.
This is terrible. Working 60 hours a week does not give you a life. If you aren’t able to quit your job for financial reasons, at least scale back your hours. If they fire you, it might turn out to be the best thing that ever happened to you.
Above all, do not commit suicide. Don’t let the bastards win. There is a saying making the rounds of the internet: “Suicide does not end the chances of life getting worse. Suicide eliminates the possibility of it ever getting better.”
The world has a lot to offer. Trust in life; trust that you can experience happiness. Trust in yourself to be strong and wise. Know that you are loved; internet strangers take the time to try and help you. In turn, show love to others and make yourself helpful to others – turning your attention away from yourself can be helpful.
posted by LauraJ at 11:26 AM on June 22, 2015
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But any person looking at this list could easily get overwhelmed. So I think the first thing you need to do is to start small and build habits. Take it one day at a time, reflect on the days (journal, record, etc.), and you'll be building habits and be able to look back and see how much progress you've made. That'll help you keep moving forward.
Start with something simple, like taking care of yourself by getting plenty of sleep and exercising regularly. You don't need to do anything difficult here, just 20-30 minutes a day and try to keep it going regularly.
That exercise will overall help you with a number of the things on your list, It'll help you relieve stress, it'll get you to sleep better, it will release good hormones to help you with some of the bad thoughts, and it will help with your mental processes.
Then I highly recommend you seek out a therapist that is a good match. This'll do wonders for you to help you accomplish the other items on your list. Seek out recommendations here and some of the other resources available.
Remember, take it slow, work on one thing at a time, and start building habits. You'll see progress and you'll be able to take comfort in that. You'll see that things can change for the better and it'll give you confidence that they will.
posted by miasma at 6:12 PM on June 21, 2015