Making up my mind about job search strategy
April 20, 2015 11:22 AM Subscribe
Trying to find courage to stay in my current city when comfort at home beckons
If you read my previous posts you'll see that I recently moved to my dream city and went to graduate school. It was something I always intended to do and took a lot of work and dedication to leave my comfortable situation in order to follow my dream. It wasn't a huge or impulsive upheaval, either, because I still work part time for the organization that I used to do full time work for, and the education I pursued is directly relevant to both my previous work experience and my career aspirations.
My school year is not yet over, but I find myself wishing and hoping to go back to my full time job and move back to the city that I lived in before, simply because it was familiar, comfortable and easy. Another part of me is not ready to settle, though, and wants to pursue ambitions that I am uniquely positioned for in my current city, which are unknown and unfamiliar but which will satisfy my longterm personal goals. I'm 27, and rationally am trying to remind myself that you only get so many years to pursue your most whimsical ideas before it's not socially acceptable anymore.
Part of why I am thinking about this now, is that I have to decide whether to renew my lease by the end of April (the lease ends August 1st, but in QC it automatically renews for 1 year if you don't end the lease 3 months before). I have only lived in the new city for 1 year, so it doesn't feel like home yet. My home city definitely does. It's also that this semester has been extremely busy and stressful and I am longing for something comfortable, safe and predictable.
The other complicating factor is that when I left my old job, I recommended a close friend of mine to be a temporary replacement. He is now in my former position but on a temporary contract. When I did leave, my managers said they would love to have me back one day. I wasn't sure whether I would stay in my new city indefinitely, or want to return once the school year is over, so nothing was decided for certain, but they did make it clear that they would be happy for me to come back to work for them if a position was open. Now that my friend is in my previous job, and really likes it, I am pretty sure that me going and asking for my job back would make him really upset. Some of you may think that I should put my own needs above others at all costs, but don't forget that this is a close friend of mine. Is there any way to tactfully ask about returning to my old place full time, without betraying my friend?
One the other hand, it seems that the most graceful option here might be to stay in my new city, and follow up on the aspirations that attracted me to live there in the first place. Emotionally, I am just trying to reconcile the desire for comfort and familiarity, and the feeling of homesickness. All of this may blow over once the school year is over and I can fully focus on self care, but in the mean time are there ways I can think of the uncertainty in a different way to be more empowered to seize the opportunity, and not feel so weak and scared? I am well aware that the economy sucks and opportunities are hard to come by, but I'm trying to maintain my integrity despite external circumstances.
If you read my previous posts you'll see that I recently moved to my dream city and went to graduate school. It was something I always intended to do and took a lot of work and dedication to leave my comfortable situation in order to follow my dream. It wasn't a huge or impulsive upheaval, either, because I still work part time for the organization that I used to do full time work for, and the education I pursued is directly relevant to both my previous work experience and my career aspirations.
My school year is not yet over, but I find myself wishing and hoping to go back to my full time job and move back to the city that I lived in before, simply because it was familiar, comfortable and easy. Another part of me is not ready to settle, though, and wants to pursue ambitions that I am uniquely positioned for in my current city, which are unknown and unfamiliar but which will satisfy my longterm personal goals. I'm 27, and rationally am trying to remind myself that you only get so many years to pursue your most whimsical ideas before it's not socially acceptable anymore.
Part of why I am thinking about this now, is that I have to decide whether to renew my lease by the end of April (the lease ends August 1st, but in QC it automatically renews for 1 year if you don't end the lease 3 months before). I have only lived in the new city for 1 year, so it doesn't feel like home yet. My home city definitely does. It's also that this semester has been extremely busy and stressful and I am longing for something comfortable, safe and predictable.
The other complicating factor is that when I left my old job, I recommended a close friend of mine to be a temporary replacement. He is now in my former position but on a temporary contract. When I did leave, my managers said they would love to have me back one day. I wasn't sure whether I would stay in my new city indefinitely, or want to return once the school year is over, so nothing was decided for certain, but they did make it clear that they would be happy for me to come back to work for them if a position was open. Now that my friend is in my previous job, and really likes it, I am pretty sure that me going and asking for my job back would make him really upset. Some of you may think that I should put my own needs above others at all costs, but don't forget that this is a close friend of mine. Is there any way to tactfully ask about returning to my old place full time, without betraying my friend?
One the other hand, it seems that the most graceful option here might be to stay in my new city, and follow up on the aspirations that attracted me to live there in the first place. Emotionally, I am just trying to reconcile the desire for comfort and familiarity, and the feeling of homesickness. All of this may blow over once the school year is over and I can fully focus on self care, but in the mean time are there ways I can think of the uncertainty in a different way to be more empowered to seize the opportunity, and not feel so weak and scared? I am well aware that the economy sucks and opportunities are hard to come by, but I'm trying to maintain my integrity despite external circumstances.
Best answer: There is a lot wrapped up in your question, so I will only look at one part of this.
You mention this is a big concern: ...Now that my friend is in my previous job, and really likes it, I am pretty sure that me going and asking for my job back would make him really upset. ..
It sounds like you might already be deciding what he will say and are looking at this like a binary situation.
Why not ask him again how he feels about his job and all aspects of his job? Because you might find out things such as 1) they are so busy they are considering hiring 2 widget makers (or whatever job title this is), 2) he likes it but is looking at company B that is promising him a full-time, non contract position, etc., 3+) There might be many other things that you have not thought about that would lead this to be a good move for you and not compromise what your friend wants at all. So as a step #1, query your friend. During this conversation, even if you don't discover something like this, you can mention to him that you are thinking of going home and might reapply to work their again, but you will absolutely not compromise his position. Then you could eventually position it with your employer in a way that protects both of you: "I'd love to work there again, but I do not want to do so at the expense of person B. That is my highest priority. If yet another job comes up, please communicate this with me." But unless you start to ask, you are deciding this part of the equation without any real information. There might be many ways to get back into your company. Or your employer might automatically tell you about another job at company B in your same city. This might be a great way to start networking into something, whether it be that company or another one.
posted by Wolfster at 11:40 AM on April 20, 2015
You mention this is a big concern: ...Now that my friend is in my previous job, and really likes it, I am pretty sure that me going and asking for my job back would make him really upset. ..
It sounds like you might already be deciding what he will say and are looking at this like a binary situation.
Why not ask him again how he feels about his job and all aspects of his job? Because you might find out things such as 1) they are so busy they are considering hiring 2 widget makers (or whatever job title this is), 2) he likes it but is looking at company B that is promising him a full-time, non contract position, etc., 3+) There might be many other things that you have not thought about that would lead this to be a good move for you and not compromise what your friend wants at all. So as a step #1, query your friend. During this conversation, even if you don't discover something like this, you can mention to him that you are thinking of going home and might reapply to work their again, but you will absolutely not compromise his position. Then you could eventually position it with your employer in a way that protects both of you: "I'd love to work there again, but I do not want to do so at the expense of person B. That is my highest priority. If yet another job comes up, please communicate this with me." But unless you start to ask, you are deciding this part of the equation without any real information. There might be many ways to get back into your company. Or your employer might automatically tell you about another job at company B in your same city. This might be a great way to start networking into something, whether it be that company or another one.
posted by Wolfster at 11:40 AM on April 20, 2015
I was once in a similar situation, and the wisest, kindest observation I was offered (and I think I loved it because it was an observation, not advice) was when a considerably older and wiser friend said: "Whenever you start something new, it's like stepping through a door, and there's always a point at which you're right on the threshold but you could still go back, and you have to decide if you really want to step through into the new room."
Which is to say that the reason you feel this way is not necessarily because being in the new place is wrong for you; it's just that this is a really normal thing that people feel at exactly this point - hovering on the threshold, aware that it's still possible to turn back. By keeping your old job open, you've kept yourself on the threshold for a year. Now (and - ah - I can hear the now-late David saying this to me as I write it, as if 20 years had never passed...) you're now at the point where you have to decide - do you want to carry on and step through to the new room, or go back into the old one?
I hope this doesn't just seem like restating your question back to you - I found it really helpful and comforting to think that my fears about carrying on the path I'd started on were not necessarily related to the "wrongness" of my chosen life-change, they were just a very natural part of a very specific moment in the process.
posted by penguin pie at 2:43 PM on April 20, 2015
Which is to say that the reason you feel this way is not necessarily because being in the new place is wrong for you; it's just that this is a really normal thing that people feel at exactly this point - hovering on the threshold, aware that it's still possible to turn back. By keeping your old job open, you've kept yourself on the threshold for a year. Now (and - ah - I can hear the now-late David saying this to me as I write it, as if 20 years had never passed...) you're now at the point where you have to decide - do you want to carry on and step through to the new room, or go back into the old one?
I hope this doesn't just seem like restating your question back to you - I found it really helpful and comforting to think that my fears about carrying on the path I'd started on were not necessarily related to the "wrongness" of my chosen life-change, they were just a very natural part of a very specific moment in the process.
posted by penguin pie at 2:43 PM on April 20, 2015
Best answer: You should stay.
Using penguin pie's analogy, get off the threshold and step through the door. (Of course, penguin pie was trying to give you wisdom and guidance, while I'm just giving you a directive.)
For just about anybody, the first year in a new life situation -- new job, family, home, school -- can feel scary, lonely, and uncomfortable. I've been there too, thinking, "I could just go home, it would be so much easier, I have a support system and I wouldn't be so alone." Unless you have compelling reasons to go back, beyond just that it would feel safer and more comfortable, I think it's important to push through those feelings. Your past questions have indicated that you tend to waver about big decisions, and that your natural inclination is to choose the safe route even when you feel like there are great opportunities for you if you take some risks. That's why I'm telling you: take some risks. Renew your lease. Plant both feet in your current city and stop looking back. In reality, your old familiar situation will still be there; but commit fully to another year, and don't allow yourself to think about going back during that year. You will get through this.
And I think you realize that, because at the end of your question you ask how you can stick with your new city without feeling so weak and scared. There's always the T-word (therapy), but you don't mention whether you've found a social circle in your new city. If you have, rely on them -- I bet some of them have been in this situation too, or are in it right now! If you haven't, now is a good time to seek out friends, maybe others who are in your grad program or also relatively new to the city. Make a list of the aspirations that brought you here, and some fun things you can look forward to in your new situation, whether it's visiting a famous site in your city or taking a really long bubble bath without anyone yelling at you. Do the things on your list.
posted by chickenmagazine at 6:31 PM on April 20, 2015 [1 favorite]
Using penguin pie's analogy, get off the threshold and step through the door. (Of course, penguin pie was trying to give you wisdom and guidance, while I'm just giving you a directive.)
For just about anybody, the first year in a new life situation -- new job, family, home, school -- can feel scary, lonely, and uncomfortable. I've been there too, thinking, "I could just go home, it would be so much easier, I have a support system and I wouldn't be so alone." Unless you have compelling reasons to go back, beyond just that it would feel safer and more comfortable, I think it's important to push through those feelings. Your past questions have indicated that you tend to waver about big decisions, and that your natural inclination is to choose the safe route even when you feel like there are great opportunities for you if you take some risks. That's why I'm telling you: take some risks. Renew your lease. Plant both feet in your current city and stop looking back. In reality, your old familiar situation will still be there; but commit fully to another year, and don't allow yourself to think about going back during that year. You will get through this.
And I think you realize that, because at the end of your question you ask how you can stick with your new city without feeling so weak and scared. There's always the T-word (therapy), but you don't mention whether you've found a social circle in your new city. If you have, rely on them -- I bet some of them have been in this situation too, or are in it right now! If you haven't, now is a good time to seek out friends, maybe others who are in your grad program or also relatively new to the city. Make a list of the aspirations that brought you here, and some fun things you can look forward to in your new situation, whether it's visiting a famous site in your city or taking a really long bubble bath without anyone yelling at you. Do the things on your list.
posted by chickenmagazine at 6:31 PM on April 20, 2015 [1 favorite]
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posted by josher71 at 11:38 AM on April 20, 2015