"Hey Dad, I Didn't Know You Cared!" or How to Reply?
March 21, 2015 12:35 AM Subscribe
My biological dad suddenly emailed me out of the blue. I have only been approached by him one other time. I am not exactly sure how to proceed here. Prepare for wall of text as my family history is straight out of the Jerry Springer Show.
So, I have never met my biological dad. He dated my mom briefly when they were both 16, my mom got pregnant and they split up. Three months after my mom got pregnant he got another girl pregnant. For a long time, that was all I knew about him because my mom left me with my grandma and I didn't really know my biological mom until I was like 12 years old. Don't worry, I have dealt with a lot of the resulting issues in therapy!
Anyway, I was about 20 when my mom told me that she's met my biological dad in a supermarket somewhere and he's now married with three kids. At this stage in my life, I had fought my way out of a small, rural town, and I was studying for a degree at a good university. It all seemed really remote at the time because I was twenty years old and determined to make my way in the world.
Then years later - maybe six or seven years later - I got an email from my biological dad. He googled my name and although I was now living abroad, he figured I'd be his daughter. The email was fairly straightforward: "Hi, I think I'm your dad. Just want to know if I have any grandkids?" - I replied explaining that I was pursuing an academic career, so I didn't plan on having kids just yet. I also told him about moving abroad and what I was doing with my life. I never heard back from him - I mused over it at the time and concluded that I was probably not what he had expected (years of therapy, remember? I am kinda used to being rejected by family and stuff).
Now about ten years later my dad has googled me again and found me. This time he writes this: "Hi it's me again. Just want to ask you to write off any claim to inheritance from me. I'm a working-class guy and I have three real kids I want to favour." - and this is where I'd kinda like some advice from you guys on how to untangle all my emotions.
I know I've had nothing to do with him all my life and that I'm not what anybody expected me to be (mid-30s, still no kids, living abroad). It just seems like another rejection ("real kids"?! Ouch.). I'm not quite sure where the whole "I'm a working-class guy" statement comes in - am I imagining a jibe here? Also, I know for a fact I have a half-sister three months younger than myself that he's not mentioning. Nothing really makes sense here.
(oh, and I asked my mom what she thought (because she knew him once for one summer many years ago) and she said that she had gone through something similar with her own estranged dad situation; she had been asked by her half-sister not to claim any of the inheritance, my mom had defied her and ended up with a tidy sum of money ("you do have hefty student debt, so don't just back down without finding out why he's contacting you out of the blue!" - my mom can be very blunt sometimes).)
On the other hand, I don't know my dad and he evidently doesn't want anything to do with me, so I feel very mercenary for even entertaining the thought of inheriting anything from him.
If you were in my shoes (with added layers of intricate family drama I haven't even touched upon here), what would you do? Not asking for lawyer-y answers, just human ones.
So, I have never met my biological dad. He dated my mom briefly when they were both 16, my mom got pregnant and they split up. Three months after my mom got pregnant he got another girl pregnant. For a long time, that was all I knew about him because my mom left me with my grandma and I didn't really know my biological mom until I was like 12 years old. Don't worry, I have dealt with a lot of the resulting issues in therapy!
Anyway, I was about 20 when my mom told me that she's met my biological dad in a supermarket somewhere and he's now married with three kids. At this stage in my life, I had fought my way out of a small, rural town, and I was studying for a degree at a good university. It all seemed really remote at the time because I was twenty years old and determined to make my way in the world.
Then years later - maybe six or seven years later - I got an email from my biological dad. He googled my name and although I was now living abroad, he figured I'd be his daughter. The email was fairly straightforward: "Hi, I think I'm your dad. Just want to know if I have any grandkids?" - I replied explaining that I was pursuing an academic career, so I didn't plan on having kids just yet. I also told him about moving abroad and what I was doing with my life. I never heard back from him - I mused over it at the time and concluded that I was probably not what he had expected (years of therapy, remember? I am kinda used to being rejected by family and stuff).
Now about ten years later my dad has googled me again and found me. This time he writes this: "Hi it's me again. Just want to ask you to write off any claim to inheritance from me. I'm a working-class guy and I have three real kids I want to favour." - and this is where I'd kinda like some advice from you guys on how to untangle all my emotions.
I know I've had nothing to do with him all my life and that I'm not what anybody expected me to be (mid-30s, still no kids, living abroad). It just seems like another rejection ("real kids"?! Ouch.). I'm not quite sure where the whole "I'm a working-class guy" statement comes in - am I imagining a jibe here? Also, I know for a fact I have a half-sister three months younger than myself that he's not mentioning. Nothing really makes sense here.
(oh, and I asked my mom what she thought (because she knew him once for one summer many years ago) and she said that she had gone through something similar with her own estranged dad situation; she had been asked by her half-sister not to claim any of the inheritance, my mom had defied her and ended up with a tidy sum of money ("you do have hefty student debt, so don't just back down without finding out why he's contacting you out of the blue!" - my mom can be very blunt sometimes).)
On the other hand, I don't know my dad and he evidently doesn't want anything to do with me, so I feel very mercenary for even entertaining the thought of inheriting anything from him.
If you were in my shoes (with added layers of intricate family drama I haven't even touched upon here), what would you do? Not asking for lawyer-y answers, just human ones.
It sounds to me that he felt you were out of his league (I am sorry, but I can't think of a better phrase this morning!) back when he found out that you left your small town and are living abroad and in an academic environment. Perhaps he felt rejected in your leaving.
I guess it doesn't matter. I agree that self care and letting this pass by you may be the best advice... whatever keeps you sane and happy!
posted by catspajammies at 1:06 AM on March 21, 2015 [3 favorites]
I guess it doesn't matter. I agree that self care and letting this pass by you may be the best advice... whatever keeps you sane and happy!
posted by catspajammies at 1:06 AM on March 21, 2015 [3 favorites]
I'd probably considering filing for past child support, maybe investigate that a little, and then ignore his email. He insulted you by suggesting you're not a real kid.
As for inheritance, see past child support due. I probably wouldn't touch it until the actual inheritance comes up, which, I hope, is very far off in the future, when you can perhaps have worked through more things.
I'd ignore him, go do some self care and, as noted above, be glad that he signalled what a complete jerk he is very clearly in his email.
In any case, I would not respond at all to the legal questions. If you choose to respond to him in some other way, that's your choice. But I'd ignore the legal stuff - and I'd keep in mind that that and his jerky email coloured this contact. You have no idea what the future holds and there's no reason for you to sign away your rights.
posted by Chaussette and the Pussy Cats at 1:06 AM on March 21, 2015 [15 favorites]
As for inheritance, see past child support due. I probably wouldn't touch it until the actual inheritance comes up, which, I hope, is very far off in the future, when you can perhaps have worked through more things.
I'd ignore him, go do some self care and, as noted above, be glad that he signalled what a complete jerk he is very clearly in his email.
In any case, I would not respond at all to the legal questions. If you choose to respond to him in some other way, that's your choice. But I'd ignore the legal stuff - and I'd keep in mind that that and his jerky email coloured this contact. You have no idea what the future holds and there's no reason for you to sign away your rights.
posted by Chaussette and the Pussy Cats at 1:06 AM on March 21, 2015 [15 favorites]
Ha, don't respond. Let him stew. What a jerk. Apparently he doesn't see you asa real human being with feelings, but a liability.
You don't know why he's written this. Perhaps his wife or his kids pressured him. But it doesn't matter. He's a jerk. Don't waste your time on him and don't relinquish any money he may owe you.
posted by Omnomnom at 1:09 AM on March 21, 2015 [48 favorites]
You don't know why he's written this. Perhaps his wife or his kids pressured him. But it doesn't matter. He's a jerk. Don't waste your time on him and don't relinquish any money he may owe you.
posted by Omnomnom at 1:09 AM on March 21, 2015 [48 favorites]
I would hit delete and move on with my day. He's a stranger who happened to donate some genetic material.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 1:10 AM on March 21, 2015 [7 favorites]
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 1:10 AM on March 21, 2015 [7 favorites]
Response by poster: Boy. Maybe if I had a ton of extra time, an otherwise unstressful life, and really needed the money. But it would depend on the ability to either dissociate from the inevitable fallout, or maintain the requisite level of rage to power through. And honestly, that last one would probably be my biggest motivator. If this guy was too much of a douche to be my dad and then only popped back in to ask if I'd borne him grandkids or say his inheritance was for his "real" children, I would be livid (I'm seething on your behalf, right now!) and want to immediately start making his life hell.
Then one of my more level-headed friends would point out his presence and the drama would add nothing to my life. So I'd compromise by sending an email back along the lines of "Don't worry about that, my expectations for you ended decades ago when you failed to function as a 'real dad' ."
posted by Anonymous at 1:12 AM on March 21, 2015
Then one of my more level-headed friends would point out his presence and the drama would add nothing to my life. So I'd compromise by sending an email back along the lines of "Don't worry about that, my expectations for you ended decades ago when you failed to function as a 'real dad' ."
posted by Anonymous at 1:12 AM on March 21, 2015
" "Hi, I think I'm your dad. Just want to know if I have any grandkids?" - I replied explaining that I was pursuing an academic career, so I didn't plan on having kids just yet. I also told him about moving abroad and what I was doing with my life. I never heard back from him -"
He doesn't sound like good dad material so it might be that he expected you to be less worldly and maybe 'lower-class' (for lack of a better term) like his own kids and himself. When you told him about your career and living abroad etc, it may have made him feel threatened. Especially if the actual kids he has raised are no where near as well adjusted and worldly/successful. Which leads to:
"Hi it's me again. Just want to ask you to write off any claim to inheritance from me. I'm a working-class guy and I have three real kids I want to favour."
This could easily come from those insecurities. Could as a "working-class guy", he might feel like you're better than him. And the fact that you were able to do what you've done without him in your life seems to make him feel insecure. So he's trying to make you feel insecure and shitty back.
I know I'm making a few assumptions here. The assumption that his kids are not as successful as you for one thing- but that's what I surmised from this discussion when reading it.
There is the other possibility- That he actually does have an inheritance to give and is just so nervous about you getting any of it that he's pretending to be "working class" to get you to back off of it. But I find this unlikely since a) a blue collar dad with 3 kids isn't likely going to have much inheritance to give anyway. b) Someone who actually had an inheritance and didn't want you getting it isn't going to try to tell you about an inheritance and c) there's no other point in telling someone that they're not a "real" kid and that they want to "favour" their so called real kids other than trying to make that person feel like they are missing out on something. It's as if he wants you to think there is something you will be missing out on.
I can't prove it- but my guess is he feels so far beneath you. Jealous of your success and jealous that you who didn't have him in his life is doing better than those who did have him there. So he wanted to make you feel like shit. Either way you were obviously better off without this guy growing up.
posted by manderin at 1:16 AM on March 21, 2015 [27 favorites]
He doesn't sound like good dad material so it might be that he expected you to be less worldly and maybe 'lower-class' (for lack of a better term) like his own kids and himself. When you told him about your career and living abroad etc, it may have made him feel threatened. Especially if the actual kids he has raised are no where near as well adjusted and worldly/successful. Which leads to:
"Hi it's me again. Just want to ask you to write off any claim to inheritance from me. I'm a working-class guy and I have three real kids I want to favour."
This could easily come from those insecurities. Could as a "working-class guy", he might feel like you're better than him. And the fact that you were able to do what you've done without him in your life seems to make him feel insecure. So he's trying to make you feel insecure and shitty back.
I know I'm making a few assumptions here. The assumption that his kids are not as successful as you for one thing- but that's what I surmised from this discussion when reading it.
There is the other possibility- That he actually does have an inheritance to give and is just so nervous about you getting any of it that he's pretending to be "working class" to get you to back off of it. But I find this unlikely since a) a blue collar dad with 3 kids isn't likely going to have much inheritance to give anyway. b) Someone who actually had an inheritance and didn't want you getting it isn't going to try to tell you about an inheritance and c) there's no other point in telling someone that they're not a "real" kid and that they want to "favour" their so called real kids other than trying to make that person feel like they are missing out on something. It's as if he wants you to think there is something you will be missing out on.
I can't prove it- but my guess is he feels so far beneath you. Jealous of your success and jealous that you who didn't have him in his life is doing better than those who did have him there. So he wanted to make you feel like shit. Either way you were obviously better off without this guy growing up.
posted by manderin at 1:16 AM on March 21, 2015 [27 favorites]
One other thing to consider- SOMETHING triggered this. Perhaps he and the family went to a lawyer for estate planning and getting a will together and they were informed that you could sue for past child support or whatever... and his other kids, who you aren't real to, got a bit up in arms and put some pressure on him.
If you have student loans, I would FOR SURE do some digging and contact a lawyer.
posted by catspajammies at 1:27 AM on March 21, 2015 [34 favorites]
If you have student loans, I would FOR SURE do some digging and contact a lawyer.
posted by catspajammies at 1:27 AM on March 21, 2015 [34 favorites]
I'm adopted and found my deceased birth father's family last year. The first relative I contacted via e-mail responded with something very similar, telling me he had no money, was just a working class guy, etc. Similar terse, rude tone.
It turns out he's a great guy and he's been very helpful and friendly over the year or so we've corresponded via e-mail. So I wouldn't necessarily write off your bio dad just yet. He clearly reached out to you twice, so the desire for contact is there. Some people are just completely ignorant of how they come across via e-mail, especially older folks. I would interpret his message as a poorly-worded version of something like: "I'm interested in getting to know you, but I don't want you to think I will be able to support you financially." I doubt when he used the phrase "real kids" he was trying to hurt you, he's just afraid of messing with his status quo, his relationship with the children he raised (which he sees as 'real'), etc.
I wouldn't interpret his lack of response to your first e-mail as some sort of rejection of your way of life or anything like that. It's a loaded situation for him and he probably has a lot of guilt for how he acted, leaving your mother, etc.
Now of course, he could be a total shithead. My bio dad was a criminal who spent most of his adult life in jail, and although I was never able to speak to him since he died before I found him, I've still gotten some value out of getting to know a little bit about him from others. So even if this guy is a total dickhead, it might be worth pursuing to some degree anyway. At least that's my experience.
posted by hamsterdam at 1:32 AM on March 21, 2015 [7 favorites]
It turns out he's a great guy and he's been very helpful and friendly over the year or so we've corresponded via e-mail. So I wouldn't necessarily write off your bio dad just yet. He clearly reached out to you twice, so the desire for contact is there. Some people are just completely ignorant of how they come across via e-mail, especially older folks. I would interpret his message as a poorly-worded version of something like: "I'm interested in getting to know you, but I don't want you to think I will be able to support you financially." I doubt when he used the phrase "real kids" he was trying to hurt you, he's just afraid of messing with his status quo, his relationship with the children he raised (which he sees as 'real'), etc.
I wouldn't interpret his lack of response to your first e-mail as some sort of rejection of your way of life or anything like that. It's a loaded situation for him and he probably has a lot of guilt for how he acted, leaving your mother, etc.
Now of course, he could be a total shithead. My bio dad was a criminal who spent most of his adult life in jail, and although I was never able to speak to him since he died before I found him, I've still gotten some value out of getting to know a little bit about him from others. So even if this guy is a total dickhead, it might be worth pursuing to some degree anyway. At least that's my experience.
posted by hamsterdam at 1:32 AM on March 21, 2015 [7 favorites]
I forgot to mention before- don't respond. Oh and Catspajammies might have something there. I assumed the trigger was just a bad night and some whiskey, but there might be more to it than that. Either way- don't respond. No good can come of it and he might actually want to upset you so don't give him the satisfaction of letting him know his email remotely affected you. Keep the emails as proof he knew he was your dad if necessary. He's a jerk. Don't give him any power over your mood.
posted by manderin at 1:36 AM on March 21, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by manderin at 1:36 AM on March 21, 2015 [3 favorites]
If you want to be snarky you could write back "that's fair, I wasn't planning on taking care of you when you're old and decrepit."
Probably better would be to imagine writing that, and then not actually writing anything at all.
posted by aubilenon at 1:45 AM on March 21, 2015 [17 favorites]
Probably better would be to imagine writing that, and then not actually writing anything at all.
posted by aubilenon at 1:45 AM on March 21, 2015 [17 favorites]
You don't have to decide now also about inheritances. You can easily sign over any portion to your other siblings by him later on and who knows how life may change? You don't have to decide or even think about this now because it's easier for him.
posted by dorothyisunderwood at 1:46 AM on March 21, 2015 [4 favorites]
posted by dorothyisunderwood at 1:46 AM on March 21, 2015 [4 favorites]
My first impulse would be to write something really rude.
My second impulse would be to write something heartfelt, like "You know, when I was a kid I wondered what it would be like to meet you and know you. Your absence was really meaningful in my life. Can you imagine what it would be like for one of your 'real kids' if they'd had to grow up without ever seeing your face? Then, when you wrote me ten years ago, I thought you were interested in knowing me, and I had a lot of feelings about that -- but instead, after one email, you went silent. Now you write and say you want to make sure I know I'm not getting an inheritance from you (as if I would have any expectation that you'd remember me in your will??). I can't really understand why you'd write me a letter like that. It seems almost deliberately hurtful. Anyway, here's my position: I would still like to get to know you on a one-on-one basis, if you are interested -- because you are my biological father, and it is important to me. If that's something you want, then please get in touch with me and let's set up a time to talk over Skype. On the other hand, if that's not something you want, please don't ever contact me again."
Or maybe I'd go back to the colon and write "Anyway, here's my position: You have been a total failure as a father. Please never contact me again."
There's a certain emotional intelligence to just not writing back, too. I guess it depends on where you are in your emotional trajectory with it. I'm in a mood where telling people off is revelatory and cathartic and good, so I would favor writing a letter calling him out. But depending on how you feel, silence might be better.
Sorry your biological father is acting like a dunderhead. He doesn't know what he's missing.
posted by feets at 2:06 AM on March 21, 2015 [40 favorites]
My second impulse would be to write something heartfelt, like "You know, when I was a kid I wondered what it would be like to meet you and know you. Your absence was really meaningful in my life. Can you imagine what it would be like for one of your 'real kids' if they'd had to grow up without ever seeing your face? Then, when you wrote me ten years ago, I thought you were interested in knowing me, and I had a lot of feelings about that -- but instead, after one email, you went silent. Now you write and say you want to make sure I know I'm not getting an inheritance from you (as if I would have any expectation that you'd remember me in your will??). I can't really understand why you'd write me a letter like that. It seems almost deliberately hurtful. Anyway, here's my position: I would still like to get to know you on a one-on-one basis, if you are interested -- because you are my biological father, and it is important to me. If that's something you want, then please get in touch with me and let's set up a time to talk over Skype. On the other hand, if that's not something you want, please don't ever contact me again."
Or maybe I'd go back to the colon and write "Anyway, here's my position: You have been a total failure as a father. Please never contact me again."
There's a certain emotional intelligence to just not writing back, too. I guess it depends on where you are in your emotional trajectory with it. I'm in a mood where telling people off is revelatory and cathartic and good, so I would favor writing a letter calling him out. But depending on how you feel, silence might be better.
Sorry your biological father is acting like a dunderhead. He doesn't know what he's missing.
posted by feets at 2:06 AM on March 21, 2015 [40 favorites]
Do nothing. Do not reply.
posted by DarlingBri at 3:17 AM on March 21, 2015 [5 favorites]
posted by DarlingBri at 3:17 AM on March 21, 2015 [5 favorites]
Don't engage. Ever. Nothing good can come from allowing this man to play any role in your life.
posted by Ursula Hitler at 3:20 AM on March 21, 2015 [6 favorites]
posted by Ursula Hitler at 3:20 AM on March 21, 2015 [6 favorites]
When I'm trying to decide how to respond to a problematic email, I ask myself: "Would my life be better if I never heard from this person again?" If the answer is yes, I don't reply to them.
It's your call, but in your case I think any remote chance of financial gain is far outweighed by the type of person your father has revealed himself to be.
posted by shattersock at 3:22 AM on March 21, 2015 [15 favorites]
It's your call, but in your case I think any remote chance of financial gain is far outweighed by the type of person your father has revealed himself to be.
posted by shattersock at 3:22 AM on March 21, 2015 [15 favorites]
Yes, don't even reply. I don't think there's anything positive to be gained from further contact with this guy.
posted by skybluepink at 3:26 AM on March 21, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by skybluepink at 3:26 AM on March 21, 2015 [3 favorites]
This guy, your biological dad, is trouble. I'm sorry to say it, but trust me, from bitter experience, he is damaged goods. Nothing positive will come of trying to maintain a relationship with him, so for your own sanity, cut your losses now. Do not engage.
Any normal person would be proud and humbled to have any small part in being related to a woman like you -- to have overcome such obstacles and still be thriving in the world, making your own way, independent and strong -- shit, I'm proud of you and I don't even know you!
Just because somebody can google your name doesn't mean they deserve a place in your life or your heart. Don't let some stranger disrupt your life because they're feeling emotional. Delete the email and carry on with your bad self, because you are awesome!
posted by LuckySeven~ at 3:37 AM on March 21, 2015 [10 favorites]
Any normal person would be proud and humbled to have any small part in being related to a woman like you -- to have overcome such obstacles and still be thriving in the world, making your own way, independent and strong -- shit, I'm proud of you and I don't even know you!
Just because somebody can google your name doesn't mean they deserve a place in your life or your heart. Don't let some stranger disrupt your life because they're feeling emotional. Delete the email and carry on with your bad self, because you are awesome!
posted by LuckySeven~ at 3:37 AM on March 21, 2015 [10 favorites]
Chiming in to re-iterate the advice not to reply. On a personal level, it's not worth the drama. There is no reason to give him any peace of mind about his inheritance, nor is there any reason to give his lawyer evidence that you've received and acknowledged his email.
posted by kisch mokusch at 3:54 AM on March 21, 2015 [14 favorites]
posted by kisch mokusch at 3:54 AM on March 21, 2015 [14 favorites]
I would not engage, if it weren't for the fact that this message would mean I had three half-siblings, and I'm very attached to my family, whether I know them or not. If you ever want to pursue a relationship with your half-siblings, you may want to consider your response to your biological father, and what might keep that door open.
For me, a message of, "I found your phrasing incredibly hurtful, and..." with what you consider fair (back child support, inheritance, just telling him that you don't want any of his money) would be my response, but none of us are you, so that's going to be up to you. And maybe you don't want anything to do with that group of people, in which case, that's not a consideration.
posted by xingcat at 4:05 AM on March 21, 2015 [2 favorites]
For me, a message of, "I found your phrasing incredibly hurtful, and..." with what you consider fair (back child support, inheritance, just telling him that you don't want any of his money) would be my response, but none of us are you, so that's going to be up to you. And maybe you don't want anything to do with that group of people, in which case, that's not a consideration.
posted by xingcat at 4:05 AM on March 21, 2015 [2 favorites]
Is it possible that his wife and the children from his marriage just found out that you and your half-sister exist, and that they're pushing him to try and make sure you don't interfere with their inheritance? Because otherwise it seems so, so odd for him to contact you out of the blue with something so obviously hurtful.
I think this is one of those situations where you write a scathing reply but don't send it. Archive his email though, in case you ever need evidence that he has, indeed, acknowledged that you're his biological child.
posted by Pizzarina Sbarro at 4:46 AM on March 21, 2015 [24 favorites]
I think this is one of those situations where you write a scathing reply but don't send it. Archive his email though, in case you ever need evidence that he has, indeed, acknowledged that you're his biological child.
posted by Pizzarina Sbarro at 4:46 AM on March 21, 2015 [24 favorites]
"I will get my [fucking amazing middle class] lawyer to look into this and get back to you some time."
posted by honey-barbara at 5:40 AM on March 21, 2015 [20 favorites]
posted by honey-barbara at 5:40 AM on March 21, 2015 [20 favorites]
Archive his email though, in case you ever need evidence that he has, indeed, acknowledged that you're his biological child.
Print the email, too.
posted by hoyland at 5:42 AM on March 21, 2015 [31 favorites]
Print the email, too.
posted by hoyland at 5:42 AM on March 21, 2015 [31 favorites]
"Hi Dad - Thanks for reminding me of my potential claim to your inheritance. My lawyer will be in touch. Sincerely, your first real kid."
...Okay, that's my emotional response and very likely not the best one. I wouldn't rule out consulting with a lawyer to see what you can get from this guy, as a "fuck you" tax of sorts. But it's probably not worth stirring up drama with his other kids, who may not stand to inherit very much in the first place, who have probably learned about interpersonal relationships from his piss-poor example, and who have to deal with him on a regular basis. You're lucky. You get to ignore him.
An email like that shows a profound lack of empathy or wisdom, and it's a shame your dad doesn't seem to have matured into a decent person. When I'm the recipient of insensitive, hurtful shit, and I'm powerless to retaliate, I console myself by thinking that that sort of behavior is usually the product of an awful life and an awful attitude, and that's punishment enough for them.
posted by Metroid Baby at 5:42 AM on March 21, 2015 [7 favorites]
...Okay, that's my emotional response and very likely not the best one. I wouldn't rule out consulting with a lawyer to see what you can get from this guy, as a "fuck you" tax of sorts. But it's probably not worth stirring up drama with his other kids, who may not stand to inherit very much in the first place, who have probably learned about interpersonal relationships from his piss-poor example, and who have to deal with him on a regular basis. You're lucky. You get to ignore him.
An email like that shows a profound lack of empathy or wisdom, and it's a shame your dad doesn't seem to have matured into a decent person. When I'm the recipient of insensitive, hurtful shit, and I'm powerless to retaliate, I console myself by thinking that that sort of behavior is usually the product of an awful life and an awful attitude, and that's punishment enough for them.
posted by Metroid Baby at 5:42 AM on March 21, 2015 [7 favorites]
I think both of his emails might have something to do with his concern over rival inheritants. I bet your other half sibling got similar messages.
He clearly doesn't want a relationship, and it's because he considers you a threat.
There is no need to reply.
But I would probably write back, "I'm not your real child, dad? :)" ... that'd put a little terror in his little heart, eh?
posted by zennie at 5:44 AM on March 21, 2015 [1 favorite]
He clearly doesn't want a relationship, and it's because he considers you a threat.
There is no need to reply.
But I would probably write back, "I'm not your real child, dad? :)" ... that'd put a little terror in his little heart, eh?
posted by zennie at 5:44 AM on March 21, 2015 [1 favorite]
Hah... On lack of preview, looks like some pretty good terror-striking replies in the comments above as well, if you want to go that direction. But if you do, don't reply to anything else he may send. The less you say to this guy the better.
posted by zennie at 5:50 AM on March 21, 2015
posted by zennie at 5:50 AM on March 21, 2015
"So you think that children who get the benefit of a father deserve more money than children who don't? Huh."
And then block his email , because it is probably more cost-effective to get a second job than to get involved with this mess.
(Note: this is probably a terrible response, but it's very satisfying or me to consider on your behalf. Christ, he's an asshole.)
posted by tchemgrrl at 6:41 AM on March 21, 2015 [5 favorites]
And then block his email , because it is probably more cost-effective to get a second job than to get involved with this mess.
(Note: this is probably a terrible response, but it's very satisfying or me to consider on your behalf. Christ, he's an asshole.)
posted by tchemgrrl at 6:41 AM on March 21, 2015 [5 favorites]
This is so shitty. I'm the kind of person who would reply with, " You're not real first offspring will contact a real lawyer and get back to you." Then I probably would contact a lawyer..... You can leave it alone and let him sweat it out but I'd probably explore. Fuck this guy. And congrats on your great life!!
posted by pearlybob at 6:59 AM on March 21, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by pearlybob at 6:59 AM on March 21, 2015 [1 favorite]
"Sorry Dad, I'm not going to write off my claim to inheritance." has a bite to it, believe it or not.
Not responding is a happier choice.
posted by oceanjesse at 7:14 AM on March 21, 2015 [3 favorites]
Not responding is a happier choice.
posted by oceanjesse at 7:14 AM on March 21, 2015 [3 favorites]
Listen to your mother. She knows what she's talking about.
posted by MexicanYenta at 7:33 AM on March 21, 2015 [7 favorites]
posted by MexicanYenta at 7:33 AM on March 21, 2015 [7 favorites]
I would be inclined not to respond. Apart from anything else, this may give him the opportunity to reflect on the experience of not hearing from a family member and wishing it were otherwise. I also think that you should not give up your right to pursue anything he may owe you. You may have no intentions of ever claiming a share of his estate, but you won't necessarily gain anything by telling him that. I don't think you owe him a lot.
As a man in my 50s who had a painful and traumatic relationship with my father, and as a father myself who fought hard to stay in my young daughter's life after my marriage ended, I find the second email quite callous, though it may not have been written in that spirit.
The only way I've been able to find peace with my father's behaviour is to remember that he was once a beautiful baby who, like all of us, deserved to be loved and protected and nurtured. That he experienced terrible things instead is very sad and left him ill prepared for being a father. The way he treated his kids was devastating for some of us and not in any way our fault. It was also the best he could manage, to some degree because he was battling his own demons. This doesn't make his behaviour OK, but it helps me to remember that it wasn't personal - we were just collateral damage in his trainwreck.
posted by mewsic at 7:55 AM on March 21, 2015 [10 favorites]
As a man in my 50s who had a painful and traumatic relationship with my father, and as a father myself who fought hard to stay in my young daughter's life after my marriage ended, I find the second email quite callous, though it may not have been written in that spirit.
The only way I've been able to find peace with my father's behaviour is to remember that he was once a beautiful baby who, like all of us, deserved to be loved and protected and nurtured. That he experienced terrible things instead is very sad and left him ill prepared for being a father. The way he treated his kids was devastating for some of us and not in any way our fault. It was also the best he could manage, to some degree because he was battling his own demons. This doesn't make his behaviour OK, but it helps me to remember that it wasn't personal - we were just collateral damage in his trainwreck.
posted by mewsic at 7:55 AM on March 21, 2015 [10 favorites]
How do you know that it's actually your biological dad that sent the email?
Given the mention of inheritance, maybe the email was sent by one of his other children trying to make sure you don't get part of an inheritance. If he doesn't want to give you any inheritance, he could specify it in his will. Maybe you are actually in his will and his other children don't like it, and they faked an email from him.
posted by ShooBoo at 7:57 AM on March 21, 2015 [10 favorites]
Given the mention of inheritance, maybe the email was sent by one of his other children trying to make sure you don't get part of an inheritance. If he doesn't want to give you any inheritance, he could specify it in his will. Maybe you are actually in his will and his other children don't like it, and they faked an email from him.
posted by ShooBoo at 7:57 AM on March 21, 2015 [10 favorites]
Wow. Look at it this way: obviously your biological dad is a small-town, working-class guy who doesn't feel comfortable with a lot of ambition (maybe especially for women- his first thought is "does she have kids" not "does she have a career") and made some poor choices in his past. He doesn't appear to have actually learned or changed much in all that time either- he's clearly pretty callous and insensitive towards you and the fact that he's coming to you as a supplicant and not a benefactor speaks strongly to his character.
I know it's hard to think of it this way, but in your shoes I would honestly be glad my life turned out the way it did. I would be thankful this man was not in my life in the capacity of father. And I see no reason to assume he has a vast fortune or whatever your mom was implying (perhaps I'm not understanding her point). He probably really does have limited resources and you have to consider whether it's worth the pain and effort to even go there. If you're in desperate financial need, maybe. I wouldn't blame you. But I think I would just try to forget all of this nonsense and take care of myself if I were you.
posted by quincunx at 8:09 AM on March 21, 2015 [2 favorites]
I know it's hard to think of it this way, but in your shoes I would honestly be glad my life turned out the way it did. I would be thankful this man was not in my life in the capacity of father. And I see no reason to assume he has a vast fortune or whatever your mom was implying (perhaps I'm not understanding her point). He probably really does have limited resources and you have to consider whether it's worth the pain and effort to even go there. If you're in desperate financial need, maybe. I wouldn't blame you. But I think I would just try to forget all of this nonsense and take care of myself if I were you.
posted by quincunx at 8:09 AM on March 21, 2015 [2 favorites]
Don't reply, save (archive) the email and do print a copy.
I would very seriously consider suing for back child support if for no other reason than he's being a total asshole. Even better reason: you're entitled to it. Not sure if it is too late to file, but you should talk to a lawyer. Certainly talk to a lawyer.
posted by arnicae at 8:15 AM on March 21, 2015 [12 favorites]
I would very seriously consider suing for back child support if for no other reason than he's being a total asshole. Even better reason: you're entitled to it. Not sure if it is too late to file, but you should talk to a lawyer. Certainly talk to a lawyer.
posted by arnicae at 8:15 AM on March 21, 2015 [12 favorites]
Do nothing. Do not reply. This guy sucks and you should write him off.
posted by J. Wilson at 8:16 AM on March 21, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by J. Wilson at 8:16 AM on March 21, 2015 [1 favorite]
Find out if he just won the lottery. Then decide.
posted by bird internet at 8:26 AM on March 21, 2015 [17 favorites]
posted by bird internet at 8:26 AM on March 21, 2015 [17 favorites]
In addition to not replying, I'd recommend setting up a rule to automatically achieve his emails. You can always check for them but he won't be able to force his way into your inbox.
posted by JackBurden at 8:39 AM on March 21, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by JackBurden at 8:39 AM on March 21, 2015 [1 favorite]
Maybe I'm a horrible person, but my first thought was that if he's really a "working class guy" that there wouldn't be any kind of real inheritance to speak of. So the fact that he makes a point of contacting you to ask you to write off any claim to it, makes me wonder. I agree with bird Internet and your mom...maybe there's a windfall of some sort and I'm just the kind of spiteful person to look into that. I probably would've left it alone had he not suggested you weren't "real".
posted by fresh-rn at 9:11 AM on March 21, 2015 [15 favorites]
posted by fresh-rn at 9:11 AM on March 21, 2015 [15 favorites]
I'd reply with a simple, and don't expect a share of mine, that's going to my real family(adding some bitchy comment about how you don't need his small change inheritance as you're the only one of his kids that has succeeded at anything, if so inclined), block his email, go out and have a "treat yo'self" kind of day & never think of him again. Also go see a lawyer to set things up so he & his have no claim over your estate, just in case.
posted by wwax at 9:16 AM on March 21, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by wwax at 9:16 AM on March 21, 2015 [1 favorite]
Man, this was infuriating to read. I would love it if you sent any of the snarky replies that some others suggested, but nothing good will come of that. Not responding would be pretty gratifying in itself, and it won't bring new drama into your life.
If you do decide you want to respond, I would talk to a lawyer first so you know what you could be getting yourself into.
posted by alligatorman at 9:27 AM on March 21, 2015 [3 favorites]
If you do decide you want to respond, I would talk to a lawyer first so you know what you could be getting yourself into.
posted by alligatorman at 9:27 AM on March 21, 2015 [3 favorites]
You have only his word that he is a working class guy. For all we know he might have hit Powerball or recently come into some money. Or, he could be a champion saver. I have encountered more than a few "millionaires next door" who you'd never suspect. Also, there is the back child support angle. Were I you, I would not reply and contact a lawyer to talk through my future options.
posted by skye.dancer at 9:46 AM on March 21, 2015 [6 favorites]
posted by skye.dancer at 9:46 AM on March 21, 2015 [6 favorites]
My guess is he just came into some money himself (maybe through his own inheritance, if he's in his 60s, say). Maybe the email was self-motivated, maybe his kids influenced him. He does sound envious, and also like a bag of hurt. I wouldn't want it.
posted by cotton dress sock at 9:54 AM on March 21, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by cotton dress sock at 9:54 AM on March 21, 2015 [1 favorite]
Lawyer. Plus, archive his emails.
A couple of things I thought about:
1. Your assets after your death. If you die before he does, and you don't have a will, your assets go to your closest relatives via intestate succession. Depending on the circumstances, he may be entitled to part of your estate, whether you want him to or not.
2. Filial Responsibility laws. Depending on the state you and/or he is in, these may come into play later on down the line. He may be such the type of person that, when they run into money troubles, all of a sudden wants a 'relationship', and consequently help with medical bills, nursing home costs, etc. I'd be good to have that hammered out and see what your rights and responsibilities are, in case he comes calling for some $$$.
posted by spinifex23 at 10:20 AM on March 21, 2015 [13 favorites]
A couple of things I thought about:
1. Your assets after your death. If you die before he does, and you don't have a will, your assets go to your closest relatives via intestate succession. Depending on the circumstances, he may be entitled to part of your estate, whether you want him to or not.
2. Filial Responsibility laws. Depending on the state you and/or he is in, these may come into play later on down the line. He may be such the type of person that, when they run into money troubles, all of a sudden wants a 'relationship', and consequently help with medical bills, nursing home costs, etc. I'd be good to have that hammered out and see what your rights and responsibilities are, in case he comes calling for some $$$.
posted by spinifex23 at 10:20 AM on March 21, 2015 [13 favorites]
Do not reply, and for the sake of your heart and soul and getting back to your real life, assume that his current wife actually wrote the email, without his knowledge.
posted by vitabellosi at 10:33 AM on March 21, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by vitabellosi at 10:33 AM on March 21, 2015 [1 favorite]
If he's a "working class guy" what is this "inheritance" anyway...sounds peculiar at best. Do you know your half siblings at all? I'd agree, no reply and put on back burner until he does die and see how you feel about trying for an inheritance then.
posted by Toddles at 1:22 PM on March 21, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by Toddles at 1:22 PM on March 21, 2015 [1 favorite]
I second the people who say to contact a lawyer, especially honey-barbara's:
"I will get my [fucking amazing middle class] lawyer to look into this and get back to you some time."
Don't say "I don't want my inheritance" with any wording. Maybe he won the lottery! Since he was a total failure as a father, you may as well get something out of it when he's gone.
posted by 3491again at 1:29 PM on March 21, 2015 [6 favorites]
"I will get my [fucking amazing middle class] lawyer to look into this and get back to you some time."
Don't say "I don't want my inheritance" with any wording. Maybe he won the lottery! Since he was a total failure as a father, you may as well get something out of it when he's gone.
posted by 3491again at 1:29 PM on March 21, 2015 [6 favorites]
Don't feel guilty about shorting any bio sibs. Whatever money he had for them was already supposed to have gone toward you too. And it sounds like they got much more from him. Don't be made to take on his guilt and shame. (I can understand why they'd be ticked, but not paying child support is theft in my books. If he'd been cheating on his taxes or robbing banks, would they be upset that they didn't get it?)
posted by Chaussette and the Pussy Cats at 1:40 PM on March 21, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by Chaussette and the Pussy Cats at 1:40 PM on March 21, 2015 [1 favorite]
I also think the timing and wording is suspicious. So many of the middle class got wiped out in the economic meltdown, I would say that 90% of the blue-collar families have ZERO wealth and the idea of an inheritance would be laughable to them. And the only information you have comes from him.
I would investigate, only to satisfy my curiosity, and then make an informed decision.
posted by raisingsand at 1:47 PM on March 21, 2015 [2 favorites]
I would investigate, only to satisfy my curiosity, and then make an informed decision.
posted by raisingsand at 1:47 PM on March 21, 2015 [2 favorites]
Note that in some states (and provinces? judging from the non-American spelling of 'favour') there is a statute of limitations on past child support, so this may be something you may want to look into sooner rather than later.
posted by crazy with stars at 1:55 PM on March 21, 2015 [4 favorites]
posted by crazy with stars at 1:55 PM on March 21, 2015 [4 favorites]
Don't engage with loathsome people. Fighting is engagement. Threatening is engagement. Legal challenges are BIG engagement.
He has attested to being your father. That could prove useful.to you.
You have not attested to receipt of his email. That could prove useful to you.
You are perched in the best possible position exactly right here...all chips on your side of the table, leaving you no incentive to defy the prime directive of not engaging with loathsome people. Doing nothing is your smartest move.
He may email again, enticing you (via positive or negative gambits) to reply, to get a response. Don't budge. Silence speaks volumes. Anything you say might be used against you, one way or another.
posted by Quisp Lover at 2:22 PM on March 21, 2015 [3 favorites]
He has attested to being your father. That could prove useful.to you.
You have not attested to receipt of his email. That could prove useful to you.
You are perched in the best possible position exactly right here...all chips on your side of the table, leaving you no incentive to defy the prime directive of not engaging with loathsome people. Doing nothing is your smartest move.
He may email again, enticing you (via positive or negative gambits) to reply, to get a response. Don't budge. Silence speaks volumes. Anything you say might be used against you, one way or another.
posted by Quisp Lover at 2:22 PM on March 21, 2015 [3 favorites]
So my biological dad made some similar statements to me over the years. He and my mom divorced when I was little. He later remarried and had more kids. Yeah, he told me they were his real family while disavowing any financial obligation to me. He said it to my face, out of nowhere, in a tone somewhere between "matter of fact" and "flippant." It was so fucking hurtful. To be honest, he doesn't have healthy relationships with anyone and it's pretty telling that he views all children as "takers," just some more deserving than others. Lord only knows why he popped out that statement years ago.
I am really happy not to have him and his drama in my life. His "real family" can have him.
posted by stowaway at 5:57 PM on March 21, 2015 [1 favorite]
I am really happy not to have him and his drama in my life. His "real family" can have him.
posted by stowaway at 5:57 PM on March 21, 2015 [1 favorite]
Also, my mom has alluded to my possibly inheriting something from him and those are really statements from planet bizarro. I think it's just fantasy of sticking it to the guy in the end, hoping for a financial consolation prize for her kid? I suspect your mom's remarks came from the same place. I'd just put it all out of your head.
posted by stowaway at 6:02 PM on March 21, 2015
posted by stowaway at 6:02 PM on March 21, 2015
Lawyer with estates experience here. Not your lawyer, not advice.
He can easily and specifically exclude you from taking anything under his will. So the email makes no sense to me, unless …...someone else left his "children" money. What Bio Dad CANNOT do is change another (presumably dead) person's will that leaves a bequest to his "children". You are among the class of his children and it would not be unusual for someone to leave something to another's children (as a class) as opposed to by name.
In other words, I would be looking to see if he has a family member or someone else close to him who died and left money to his "children".
posted by murrey at 6:27 PM on March 21, 2015 [22 favorites]
He can easily and specifically exclude you from taking anything under his will. So the email makes no sense to me, unless …...someone else left his "children" money. What Bio Dad CANNOT do is change another (presumably dead) person's will that leaves a bequest to his "children". You are among the class of his children and it would not be unusual for someone to leave something to another's children (as a class) as opposed to by name.
In other words, I would be looking to see if he has a family member or someone else close to him who died and left money to his "children".
posted by murrey at 6:27 PM on March 21, 2015 [22 favorites]
I'd write back and say, "I'm pretty sure you owe us 18 years of child support, so maybe we should drop it for now."
JK. Delete email and get on with your fabulous living abroad academically accomplished life! Keep an eye out for when he dies and worry about it then if you feel like it.
posted by amaire at 7:03 PM on March 21, 2015
JK. Delete email and get on with your fabulous living abroad academically accomplished life! Keep an eye out for when he dies and worry about it then if you feel like it.
posted by amaire at 7:03 PM on March 21, 2015
Also, when you talk to your lawyer, show them the email. Don't delete it just to feel better. Use it.
posted by oceanjesse at 10:44 PM on March 21, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by oceanjesse at 10:44 PM on March 21, 2015 [1 favorite]
I would never expect money from anyone ever. Death does not equal money and that seems to me a weird way to think about it. Even when my dad died I never expected any money and there was none. My father's siblings are bickering about their mom's estate and even though my sister and I would split my father's share, I have no interest in the discussion. If some money comes my way, that's awesome but I don't need it and would never count on it. I can take care of myself and whether or not I inherit something, I'm going to be fine. Just ignore it.
posted by bendy at 10:46 PM on March 21, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by bendy at 10:46 PM on March 21, 2015 [1 favorite]
+1 on not responding.
If he's so working class, there isn't going to be much of an inheritance. Let him mistakenly worry that upon his death, you'll want part of his beat up truck. (Kind of uncommon for working class to worry about asset distribution. He might have more money than he let on.)
I'm not saying you should expect any money. I am saying that there is no need to move a finger to help relieve his stress. He's not treating you like a human being.
I bet his first email was because one of his "real" kids was having a baby.
The most recent email might have been bc your 3-months younger sibling could have sued him for back child support.
posted by Neekee at 7:08 AM on March 22, 2015
If he's so working class, there isn't going to be much of an inheritance. Let him mistakenly worry that upon his death, you'll want part of his beat up truck. (Kind of uncommon for working class to worry about asset distribution. He might have more money than he let on.)
I'm not saying you should expect any money. I am saying that there is no need to move a finger to help relieve his stress. He's not treating you like a human being.
I bet his first email was because one of his "real" kids was having a baby.
The most recent email might have been bc your 3-months younger sibling could have sued him for back child support.
posted by Neekee at 7:08 AM on March 22, 2015
You absolutely do not owe him anything. In fact, there is a good argument that he owes you something. I myself would likely not fight for that, at this point, but I see ZERO reason to blithely and kindly divest myself of this inheritance, whatever it may be... and also layering up does sound like a good idea. Having your will drawn up also sounds like a good idea.
If the inheritance is peanuts and a 1/11th share of a truck, well, you can waive it when the estate gets in contact with you. If its $$$, use what you need and donate the rest to a worthy charity.
posted by Jacen at 1:40 PM on March 23, 2015 [1 favorite]
If the inheritance is peanuts and a 1/11th share of a truck, well, you can waive it when the estate gets in contact with you. If its $$$, use what you need and donate the rest to a worthy charity.
posted by Jacen at 1:40 PM on March 23, 2015 [1 favorite]
In other words, I would be looking to see if he has a family member or someone else close to him who died and left money to his "children".
I wish I could favorite this comment 20 times. It's good advice.
posted by vignettist at 10:38 AM on March 24, 2015 [1 favorite]
I wish I could favorite this comment 20 times. It's good advice.
posted by vignettist at 10:38 AM on March 24, 2015 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
Basically, I would perform a lot of self care and that's it. I wouldn't write back. I wouldn't get involved. I'd just be extra nice to myself - a special treat and then lots of kindness and hot baths. I'd probably talk about it with my therapist. I'd donate some time or money to an organization like Big Brother/Big Sister for other people who also don't have parental support in their life. And I would block his email address, or at least I would make it automatically file his emails away so I wouldn't have to see nasty stuff like this at random.
Take care. I'm sorry that you're in this situation.
posted by sockermom at 12:53 AM on March 21, 2015 [37 favorites]