How to take an insensitive breakup in stride?
March 7, 2015 5:34 AM Subscribe
I was dating what seemed like a guy who was very much into me but as soon as we got out of the gate, he completely changed. The breakup was very blunt and left me feeling unoptimistic about my dating future... And also made me feel very bad about myself as far as intelligence and how I feel about my appearance.
I did the whole online dating thing and was single for awhile. Met a guy who seemed reserved and smart, perhaps a tad serious. He really wanted a monogamous relationship. We had a good first date and good second date. He asked to be exclusive on the second date and seemed smitten for the first three to four weeks. Always looking at me and couldn't wait to see me. Told his mom and dad about me and I even met them. I also met all of his friends who also really liked me.
Somewhere after the month mark things changed. He seemed irritated and though I didn't think it was directed at me completely, his tone changed. I was stressed about my job. Granted I make a good salary at 22 ($40,000) it gets stressful. He told me my job sucked and that I should find another but good luck because I didn't seem to have any marketable skills. Though I have three years of management experience. I also do this while maintaining a gpa. I did well in high school as well.
He started to try and debate with me. My lack of wanting to basically argue for ego's sake seemed to appear as a lack of intelligence to him. He used to be so loving and kind and quickly turned otherwise. I felt him distancing himself a little and then I got his phone call. He broke it off and I wanted to know why. He said I wasn't ambitious enough. That he just didn't see it. That I also wasn't into fitness and that for him was a deal breaker. Though I had expressed a desire to get more healthy, this was not enough. But he knew I enjoyed a bowl of ice cream from time to time from the start. Suddenly it was a problem. I was insulted by him saying I had no ambition but I also noticed he showed many instances of having to exert superiority over others. Especially me.
If he wasn't watching a documentary and making sure everybody knew, he was arguing about weightlifting techniques. His ideas on feminism and lgbt issues also didn't sit well with me. Even though he rattled on about fitness he binge drank and had two duis and smokes a ton. He didn't do well in high school and I am farther than him in school though I'm younger. I'm very straight-laced and never smoked, hardly drink, etc. Around his friends, who are all high school dropouts with children at 23, I appear with my head on quite straight.
For his background he works part time in a factory, works out, and goes to community college. He's part of the honors society. Everyone also must know that. He is a certified mechanic. He has a checkered past I didn't find out about until recently and has issues with alcoholism
I may not be into fitness but I am an attractive person. I'm not a supermodel but I'm kind and loving, and I am manicured as far as appearance. I wear nice clothes and love looking my best. Others notice. I'm a crazy fun person who doesn't take herself or others too seriously but I know when to buckle down.
So I am baffled. Part of me wonders if my supposed lack of ambition was a projection. I by no means think I lack ambition. I don't understand how he knew these things but decided later all the sudden that they were aggravating. Our breakup was humiliating for me as it just was so random. He could be a fun person. He also told me I was extremely confident and I could walk into a room and talk to anybody. He said he was not able to do that and was more reserved. He said I lacked passion for something and I told him you're wrong I am passionate about the arts. He blocked that off by saying I don't get along with creative types I'm too analytical. My communication style was too subtle, he would rather I be more direct.
Idk what happened. I'm angry and insulted at the bluntness... I didn't understand how these things just suddenly became problems. How do you move past a very blunt breakup?
I did the whole online dating thing and was single for awhile. Met a guy who seemed reserved and smart, perhaps a tad serious. He really wanted a monogamous relationship. We had a good first date and good second date. He asked to be exclusive on the second date and seemed smitten for the first three to four weeks. Always looking at me and couldn't wait to see me. Told his mom and dad about me and I even met them. I also met all of his friends who also really liked me.
Somewhere after the month mark things changed. He seemed irritated and though I didn't think it was directed at me completely, his tone changed. I was stressed about my job. Granted I make a good salary at 22 ($40,000) it gets stressful. He told me my job sucked and that I should find another but good luck because I didn't seem to have any marketable skills. Though I have three years of management experience. I also do this while maintaining a gpa. I did well in high school as well.
He started to try and debate with me. My lack of wanting to basically argue for ego's sake seemed to appear as a lack of intelligence to him. He used to be so loving and kind and quickly turned otherwise. I felt him distancing himself a little and then I got his phone call. He broke it off and I wanted to know why. He said I wasn't ambitious enough. That he just didn't see it. That I also wasn't into fitness and that for him was a deal breaker. Though I had expressed a desire to get more healthy, this was not enough. But he knew I enjoyed a bowl of ice cream from time to time from the start. Suddenly it was a problem. I was insulted by him saying I had no ambition but I also noticed he showed many instances of having to exert superiority over others. Especially me.
If he wasn't watching a documentary and making sure everybody knew, he was arguing about weightlifting techniques. His ideas on feminism and lgbt issues also didn't sit well with me. Even though he rattled on about fitness he binge drank and had two duis and smokes a ton. He didn't do well in high school and I am farther than him in school though I'm younger. I'm very straight-laced and never smoked, hardly drink, etc. Around his friends, who are all high school dropouts with children at 23, I appear with my head on quite straight.
For his background he works part time in a factory, works out, and goes to community college. He's part of the honors society. Everyone also must know that. He is a certified mechanic. He has a checkered past I didn't find out about until recently and has issues with alcoholism
I may not be into fitness but I am an attractive person. I'm not a supermodel but I'm kind and loving, and I am manicured as far as appearance. I wear nice clothes and love looking my best. Others notice. I'm a crazy fun person who doesn't take herself or others too seriously but I know when to buckle down.
So I am baffled. Part of me wonders if my supposed lack of ambition was a projection. I by no means think I lack ambition. I don't understand how he knew these things but decided later all the sudden that they were aggravating. Our breakup was humiliating for me as it just was so random. He could be a fun person. He also told me I was extremely confident and I could walk into a room and talk to anybody. He said he was not able to do that and was more reserved. He said I lacked passion for something and I told him you're wrong I am passionate about the arts. He blocked that off by saying I don't get along with creative types I'm too analytical. My communication style was too subtle, he would rather I be more direct.
Idk what happened. I'm angry and insulted at the bluntness... I didn't understand how these things just suddenly became problems. How do you move past a very blunt breakup?
I'm going to give you the old "Read this and pretend your best friend/sister wrote it." Ugh. Sounds like this guy was into some of that pickup artist bullshit too. If he was treating you like that after a month, I shudder to think where a relationship with him was headed.
If I were you, I wouldn't give this asshole one single minute more of my time and by dwelling on it, that's what you are doing. Focus on meeting happy people who make you feel good.
posted by futureisunwritten at 5:43 AM on March 7, 2015 [8 favorites]
If I were you, I wouldn't give this asshole one single minute more of my time and by dwelling on it, that's what you are doing. Focus on meeting happy people who make you feel good.
posted by futureisunwritten at 5:43 AM on March 7, 2015 [8 favorites]
RED FLAGS ALL OVER. I hesitate to say he did you a favor, but he did.
I was in a relationship for over 2 years with a person who was, word-for-word, almost exactly like this guy you describe. He hid his abusive personality from me for the first 1-3 months and then let loose not just verbal abuse, but also alcoholism (drinking 12-18 beers a night), petty judgment of my 'ambition', dragging me into all kinds of situations that were unhealthy and that I wanted nothing to do with, etc. Eventually the abuse became physical. That's when I finally ended it.
I was the same age as you at the time, and it took me an entire two years to figure out that this guy was victimizing me and actually holding me back from being able to explore my ambitions and interests in my own, independent way. Getting out of that relationship was the best thing that ever happened to me.
Don't let his judgment make you start questioning yourself. The guy I was with made me feel like I was the reason he was an alcoholic, and that I was a fat, idiotic failure. Today I'm an avid runner with a master's degree and a happy, fulfilling life. Pretty certain that wouldn't have happened if I was still with him. (Also, I'm quite certain his life is in ruins now.)
Go forth and do what makes you happy! The right person will never, ever treat you or talk to you like this.
posted by nightrecordings at 5:47 AM on March 7, 2015 [15 favorites]
I was in a relationship for over 2 years with a person who was, word-for-word, almost exactly like this guy you describe. He hid his abusive personality from me for the first 1-3 months and then let loose not just verbal abuse, but also alcoholism (drinking 12-18 beers a night), petty judgment of my 'ambition', dragging me into all kinds of situations that were unhealthy and that I wanted nothing to do with, etc. Eventually the abuse became physical. That's when I finally ended it.
I was the same age as you at the time, and it took me an entire two years to figure out that this guy was victimizing me and actually holding me back from being able to explore my ambitions and interests in my own, independent way. Getting out of that relationship was the best thing that ever happened to me.
Don't let his judgment make you start questioning yourself. The guy I was with made me feel like I was the reason he was an alcoholic, and that I was a fat, idiotic failure. Today I'm an avid runner with a master's degree and a happy, fulfilling life. Pretty certain that wouldn't have happened if I was still with him. (Also, I'm quite certain his life is in ruins now.)
Go forth and do what makes you happy! The right person will never, ever treat you or talk to you like this.
posted by nightrecordings at 5:47 AM on March 7, 2015 [15 favorites]
Best answer: I also noticed he showed many instances of having to exert superiority over others. Especially me.
You were out his league, and he couldn't deal with that so he invented a bunch of BS complaints to obscure the fact that you were out of his league. It sucks, but this is a common human defense mechanism. My only suggestion going forward is that you aim higher when picking potential partners.
posted by jon1270 at 6:01 AM on March 7, 2015 [48 favorites]
You were out his league, and he couldn't deal with that so he invented a bunch of BS complaints to obscure the fact that you were out of his league. It sucks, but this is a common human defense mechanism. My only suggestion going forward is that you aim higher when picking potential partners.
posted by jon1270 at 6:01 AM on March 7, 2015 [48 favorites]
This is just about him being kind of horrible guy. He's just trying to undermine you: either to make himself feel better, or to brainwash you so you feel frightened and try to appease him. Don't do that.
posted by mythical anthropomorphic amphibian at 6:01 AM on March 7, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by mythical anthropomorphic amphibian at 6:01 AM on March 7, 2015 [3 favorites]
What a fuckin' dick.
Count those blessings EVERY SINGLE NIGHT.
Learn the lesson that you need to aim higher and have better standards when dating.
This is a lesson that we all need to learn and you just got your final exam at this early stage of the game.
Good on ya!
This is all about him, and his dickishness, and the bullet you dodged, Matrix-style.
posted by John Kennedy Toole Box at 6:06 AM on March 7, 2015 [6 favorites]
Count those blessings EVERY SINGLE NIGHT.
Learn the lesson that you need to aim higher and have better standards when dating.
This is a lesson that we all need to learn and you just got your final exam at this early stage of the game.
Good on ya!
This is all about him, and his dickishness, and the bullet you dodged, Matrix-style.
posted by John Kennedy Toole Box at 6:06 AM on March 7, 2015 [6 favorites]
He was lashing out at you to make himself feel better because he felt threatened by you. You absolutely dodged a bullet.
Beethoven's Sith has the pattern down. Learn it because it will happen again and it's up to you to recognize it and walk away rather than let the seeds of doubt this asshole planted in your mind flourish. Is there by chance something in your gut saying, "This guy is the problem"? Become familiar with that gut feeling so it comes through loud and clear next time.
This is the pedestal complex. Guy puts girl on pedestal (or vice versa) and inevitably girl falls. You know this is happening because you feel like you're an actor on a stage and this guy is the director.
There's no where to go but down when the pathologically insecure director puts his vulnerable muse on a pedestal. In fact, that's the entire reason for doing it, so he can control the process of knocking her down. Fun! Your job is to start seeing this for the toxic bs it is and be glad he showed his turd colors a few dates in rather than knee-deep in a multi-year relationshit.
If you fell for this you are either 1) understandably naive at your age, in which case now you know! and/or 2) a bit insecure yourself and therefore vulnerable to this kind of bs. I speak as a former #1 and #2.
You sound secure--and mature and accomplished. I was surprised to see you're only 22! But if you think maybe some insecurities opened you up to this, then it will probably happen again. Consider keeping a journal around when you start to date someone, or write in a question to askme so you have a record of every time this happens and you can go back in your journal or in your questions and see spot the pattern and get to know your gut instinct. It is your friend.
posted by lillian.elmtree at 6:09 AM on March 7, 2015 [19 favorites]
Beethoven's Sith has the pattern down. Learn it because it will happen again and it's up to you to recognize it and walk away rather than let the seeds of doubt this asshole planted in your mind flourish. Is there by chance something in your gut saying, "This guy is the problem"? Become familiar with that gut feeling so it comes through loud and clear next time.
This is the pedestal complex. Guy puts girl on pedestal (or vice versa) and inevitably girl falls. You know this is happening because you feel like you're an actor on a stage and this guy is the director.
There's no where to go but down when the pathologically insecure director puts his vulnerable muse on a pedestal. In fact, that's the entire reason for doing it, so he can control the process of knocking her down. Fun! Your job is to start seeing this for the toxic bs it is and be glad he showed his turd colors a few dates in rather than knee-deep in a multi-year relationshit.
If you fell for this you are either 1) understandably naive at your age, in which case now you know! and/or 2) a bit insecure yourself and therefore vulnerable to this kind of bs. I speak as a former #1 and #2.
You sound secure--and mature and accomplished. I was surprised to see you're only 22! But if you think maybe some insecurities opened you up to this, then it will probably happen again. Consider keeping a journal around when you start to date someone, or write in a question to askme so you have a record of every time this happens and you can go back in your journal or in your questions and see spot the pattern and get to know your gut instinct. It is your friend.
posted by lillian.elmtree at 6:09 AM on March 7, 2015 [19 favorites]
Wow, I'm sorry this happened, but you dodged quite a gigantic bullet.
To some extent, I've been this guy when I was much younger and not all that sensitive to other people, so if it helps you, read on and I can KIND OF explain his thinking.
Years AND YEARS ago, I'd meet someone and I'd get all sorts of happy feelings about them. These feelings completely clouded my rational brain, where if I actually thought past the surge of "Hey, somebody out there LIKES me and is kind of adorable," I would have been able to recognize that they weren't really my type, I wasn't really into them, and that was fine and I should have spoken the f*ck up and not continued dating them.
But back when I was an immature weenie, I didn't always do that. I would continue dating them and then ONE DAY a gigantic feeling of, "OMG What am I doing?!" would red flag my brain and I'd get a feeling of disgust toward them.
None of this was rational and it certainly wasn't emotionally honest. So I'd break up with them, usually by trying to fall off the planet. Sometimes that worked and they'd just allow me to disappear. But sometimes a person would want to know why it was over, and the truth is that I didn't always answer that question kindly.
I would reel off a list of everything that was wrong with them. I was pretty nasty about it.
But what was really going on was that I was SO emotionally young and stupid that I couldn't even articulate to them that I was a jerk for not being thoughtful about their feelings. I just got really mean.
And they were very nice people, just not for me. My rants of everything that was wrong with them was actually all about everything that was wrong with me; it was about my own self-loathing and anger with myself.
So what I'm saying is; when someone does this, it's likely because of their own inner anger and their own issues, it has nothing to do with you. They're not ready for a relationship and they're taking it out on you.
No doubt, some day way down the line, this guy will be very sorry for how he treated you.
posted by kinetic at 6:12 AM on March 7, 2015 [32 favorites]
To some extent, I've been this guy when I was much younger and not all that sensitive to other people, so if it helps you, read on and I can KIND OF explain his thinking.
Years AND YEARS ago, I'd meet someone and I'd get all sorts of happy feelings about them. These feelings completely clouded my rational brain, where if I actually thought past the surge of "Hey, somebody out there LIKES me and is kind of adorable," I would have been able to recognize that they weren't really my type, I wasn't really into them, and that was fine and I should have spoken the f*ck up and not continued dating them.
But back when I was an immature weenie, I didn't always do that. I would continue dating them and then ONE DAY a gigantic feeling of, "OMG What am I doing?!" would red flag my brain and I'd get a feeling of disgust toward them.
None of this was rational and it certainly wasn't emotionally honest. So I'd break up with them, usually by trying to fall off the planet. Sometimes that worked and they'd just allow me to disappear. But sometimes a person would want to know why it was over, and the truth is that I didn't always answer that question kindly.
I would reel off a list of everything that was wrong with them. I was pretty nasty about it.
But what was really going on was that I was SO emotionally young and stupid that I couldn't even articulate to them that I was a jerk for not being thoughtful about their feelings. I just got really mean.
And they were very nice people, just not for me. My rants of everything that was wrong with them was actually all about everything that was wrong with me; it was about my own self-loathing and anger with myself.
So what I'm saying is; when someone does this, it's likely because of their own inner anger and their own issues, it has nothing to do with you. They're not ready for a relationship and they're taking it out on you.
No doubt, some day way down the line, this guy will be very sorry for how he treated you.
posted by kinetic at 6:12 AM on March 7, 2015 [32 favorites]
The awesomeness that at first attracted him then began to intimidate him. His reasons for breaking up with you sound pretty much like something he might have believed you were going to break up with him for.
Being dumped always sucks, even when you are dumped by someone you aren't that into. I find it hard to imagine that you really anticipated a future with this guy. Let yourself have your feelings over the end of the relationship, but hold out for someone who has bit more character and appreciates you even after the initial butterfly stage.
Good luck.
posted by bunderful at 6:13 AM on March 7, 2015 [3 favorites]
Being dumped always sucks, even when you are dumped by someone you aren't that into. I find it hard to imagine that you really anticipated a future with this guy. Let yourself have your feelings over the end of the relationship, but hold out for someone who has bit more character and appreciates you even after the initial butterfly stage.
Good luck.
posted by bunderful at 6:13 AM on March 7, 2015 [3 favorites]
Yeah whoa nthing that you dodged a bullet. Rest easy. You are fine.
He told you something about himself. Namely, like kinetic wisely described, that he is insecure and lacks a great deal of self-awareness.
I too dated a man like this when I was young; it took a year before the "you're hopeless, fat, suck at sports, have no ambition, no marketable skills" etc. set in. I was in a foreign country and a freelancer. I stayed with him partly because he always twisted it as trying to "help me" and I believed that because that's what you're supposed to do when you're in love, right? You're supposed to give your loved one the benefit of the doubt.
One-way street. I gave him the benefit of the doubt. He did not. Nor did your guy. Can you imagine yourself saying those sorts of things to him? Even if you focus on his absolute worst quality – can you imagine saying it to him the way he said those things to you? (I'm guessing not.)
Twelve years after I broke up with the ex in question, my life is a dream come true. His... well. He never chose to move past his immaturity, fears, and placing everything negative onto others. He still has not had that courage. His life reflects that. Bullet very much dodged. You may not feel like it right now, but you'll be able to thank your lucky stars.
It hurts, and then it passes. The important thing is that you realize you are an okay person, and you will find better people out there. People who care about you as you are.
posted by fraula at 6:38 AM on March 7, 2015 [4 favorites]
He told you something about himself. Namely, like kinetic wisely described, that he is insecure and lacks a great deal of self-awareness.
I too dated a man like this when I was young; it took a year before the "you're hopeless, fat, suck at sports, have no ambition, no marketable skills" etc. set in. I was in a foreign country and a freelancer. I stayed with him partly because he always twisted it as trying to "help me" and I believed that because that's what you're supposed to do when you're in love, right? You're supposed to give your loved one the benefit of the doubt.
One-way street. I gave him the benefit of the doubt. He did not. Nor did your guy. Can you imagine yourself saying those sorts of things to him? Even if you focus on his absolute worst quality – can you imagine saying it to him the way he said those things to you? (I'm guessing not.)
Twelve years after I broke up with the ex in question, my life is a dream come true. His... well. He never chose to move past his immaturity, fears, and placing everything negative onto others. He still has not had that courage. His life reflects that. Bullet very much dodged. You may not feel like it right now, but you'll be able to thank your lucky stars.
It hurts, and then it passes. The important thing is that you realize you are an okay person, and you will find better people out there. People who care about you as you are.
posted by fraula at 6:38 AM on March 7, 2015 [4 favorites]
Part of me wonders if my supposed lack of ambition was a projection.
Absolutely!
I agree with the above comments. This guy is an immature weenie and you are awesome.
posted by Specklet at 6:40 AM on March 7, 2015 [2 favorites]
Absolutely!
I agree with the above comments. This guy is an immature weenie and you are awesome.
posted by Specklet at 6:40 AM on March 7, 2015 [2 favorites]
It sounds like he was trying to dominate you emotionally and when you didn't submit to his supposed superiority, he tried to salvage his fragile ego by slamming you to the ground and running away before you could stand back up.
While he may not have gotten fully abusive, this is the pattern of how an abuser tests a new partner's boundaries. It's basically a repeated test of "Will she submit? Will she submit? Will she submit?" Your being able to maintain your self-esteem and sense of self rather than deferring to his skewed version of reality likely made him realize you weren't an easy enough target for him and so he slunk away.
Some abusers like hard targets, so it's not a guarantee you'll never attract another asshole, but I agree with the post above saying to locate and remember that gut feeling of "Something's wrong here." It should serve you well in the future.
posted by jaguar at 7:12 AM on March 7, 2015 [16 favorites]
While he may not have gotten fully abusive, this is the pattern of how an abuser tests a new partner's boundaries. It's basically a repeated test of "Will she submit? Will she submit? Will she submit?" Your being able to maintain your self-esteem and sense of self rather than deferring to his skewed version of reality likely made him realize you weren't an easy enough target for him and so he slunk away.
Some abusers like hard targets, so it's not a guarantee you'll never attract another asshole, but I agree with the post above saying to locate and remember that gut feeling of "Something's wrong here." It should serve you well in the future.
posted by jaguar at 7:12 AM on March 7, 2015 [16 favorites]
How do you move past a very blunt breakup?
1. Time, distance (literal and figurative) and some honest, unabashed grieving.
2. Self-care. self-respect and self-love.
posted by xm at 7:17 AM on March 7, 2015 [1 favorite]
1. Time, distance (literal and figurative) and some honest, unabashed grieving.
2. Self-care. self-respect and self-love.
posted by xm at 7:17 AM on March 7, 2015 [1 favorite]
(And that gut feeling to identify is likely the one you're having now, that slidey-sick confused feeling that your perception of reality is somehow wrong. It's part of gaslighting, and it's used, consciously or not, to make you weak and dependent on him to verify reality.)
posted by jaguar at 7:18 AM on March 7, 2015 [10 favorites]
posted by jaguar at 7:18 AM on March 7, 2015 [10 favorites]
You're accomplished and awesome and he can't handle it. He's not even making sense: you clearly have marketable skills. Reality says you do.
Think about that, and what it says about how much sense his other remarks make.
I'm in camp You Dodged A Bullet. Come join us, we have s'mores.
posted by Too-Ticky at 7:19 AM on March 7, 2015 [8 favorites]
Think about that, and what it says about how much sense his other remarks make.
I'm in camp You Dodged A Bullet. Come join us, we have s'mores.
posted by Too-Ticky at 7:19 AM on March 7, 2015 [8 favorites]
Everything he said about you is either outright lies, or only true about him.
posted by jbenben at 7:22 AM on March 7, 2015 [4 favorites]
posted by jbenben at 7:22 AM on March 7, 2015 [4 favorites]
Sounds to me like he hates himself and turned his hatred outward towards you. People with that much contempt for the world are usually drawing from a deep well of insecurity. This guy is toxic and will find a way to tear down anyone he is with, whatever their achievements/status/fitness level. It's not about you. At all.
posted by Lieber Frau at 7:26 AM on March 7, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by Lieber Frau at 7:26 AM on March 7, 2015 [2 favorites]
Problem in a nutshell: he felt as though he didn't measure up to you, and tearing you down was his way of making himself feel better. Sounds very "he's just jealous!" I know, but some things really are that simple. He did, in fact, do you a favor.
posted by holborne at 7:39 AM on March 7, 2015
posted by holborne at 7:39 AM on March 7, 2015
+1 to what everyone else said! Don't give this douchebag and his opinion of you another thought. You sound awesome and he just couldn't handle it.
After a little time and space you'll realize you dodged a bullet. Eat some ice cream and buy yourself something pretty, or whatever you like to do to help yourself feel better (that's what I would do!).
posted by apricot at 7:58 AM on March 7, 2015
After a little time and space you'll realize you dodged a bullet. Eat some ice cream and buy yourself something pretty, or whatever you like to do to help yourself feel better (that's what I would do!).
posted by apricot at 7:58 AM on March 7, 2015
Dude had low self-esteem and tried to take it out on you. Disregard, re-set and move on. You sound confident and content and some people are threatened by that. You don't need those kinds of people.
posted by Kitty Stardust at 8:00 AM on March 7, 2015
posted by Kitty Stardust at 8:00 AM on March 7, 2015
You did dodge a bullet. The fact that he is alcoholic is enough to be glad that you're away from him. That's probably only going to get much worse.
With all of his bragging and tearing you down it's evident he has an inferiority complex and wants to bring you down to his level. I agree with others who suggested to aim higher. Be picky when choosing boyfriends. I would say this guy is loser material. Good for him that he's doing well in CC, but all the other stuff is hugely unappealing.
posted by Fairchild at 8:00 AM on March 7, 2015
With all of his bragging and tearing you down it's evident he has an inferiority complex and wants to bring you down to his level. I agree with others who suggested to aim higher. Be picky when choosing boyfriends. I would say this guy is loser material. Good for him that he's doing well in CC, but all the other stuff is hugely unappealing.
posted by Fairchild at 8:00 AM on March 7, 2015
He was angry that you didn't just lie down and take his abuse from the get go. He invested time and energy trying to fool you and when it came time to start exerting control you were just like "what" and he got really upset because gosh, it's so hard to find someone successful to tear down and to control. Can you blame him for being mad that you wasted his time?
See how utterly ridiculous that sounds? But seriously, that's what he's thinking. I mean, he might not be totally aware of it, but he is mad that you didn't start just bowing down. Good for you.
Eat a bowl of ice cream and have a great weekend, free from even one link of the chain that this dude was starting to forge around your ankles. You are awesome and this whole thing is all about him and his demons. Which you will not have to deal with.
Oh. He may try to take you back. Common with dudes like this. Don't ever talk to him again. He is not worth your time.
posted by sockermom at 8:04 AM on March 7, 2015 [17 favorites]
See how utterly ridiculous that sounds? But seriously, that's what he's thinking. I mean, he might not be totally aware of it, but he is mad that you didn't start just bowing down. Good for you.
Eat a bowl of ice cream and have a great weekend, free from even one link of the chain that this dude was starting to forge around your ankles. You are awesome and this whole thing is all about him and his demons. Which you will not have to deal with.
Oh. He may try to take you back. Common with dudes like this. Don't ever talk to him again. He is not worth your time.
posted by sockermom at 8:04 AM on March 7, 2015 [17 favorites]
How do you move past a very blunt breakup?
Dating more people. In the future, beware of someone who wants to become a couple too quickly.
Granted, people coming on strong and then backing off is sometimes unavoidable, albeit usually milder versions of what you just experienced. When it does, it doesn't mean you've done anything wrong or that there is anything wrong with you. People come on too strong and then they lack the honesty to say it's not working out for them. Worst case, like this guy, they try to blame the breakup on you. Remind yourself that you did nothing wrong and that the stuff he said was totally random and made up. If any of what he said struck a nerve, well, examine that and use it as you will-- even a stopped clock is right twice a day-- but it really sounds like he was just making shit up.
This guy clearly has anger issues. It is very weird and disconcerting to suddenly experience this level of personal criticism from someone you thought was at least a friend, so I sympathize. Make no mistake, this guy is a jerk. I would go so far as to say he wanted to hurt you because of his anger issues. Sad, but not your problem.
posted by BibiRose at 8:05 AM on March 7, 2015 [4 favorites]
Dating more people. In the future, beware of someone who wants to become a couple too quickly.
Granted, people coming on strong and then backing off is sometimes unavoidable, albeit usually milder versions of what you just experienced. When it does, it doesn't mean you've done anything wrong or that there is anything wrong with you. People come on too strong and then they lack the honesty to say it's not working out for them. Worst case, like this guy, they try to blame the breakup on you. Remind yourself that you did nothing wrong and that the stuff he said was totally random and made up. If any of what he said struck a nerve, well, examine that and use it as you will-- even a stopped clock is right twice a day-- but it really sounds like he was just making shit up.
This guy clearly has anger issues. It is very weird and disconcerting to suddenly experience this level of personal criticism from someone you thought was at least a friend, so I sympathize. Make no mistake, this guy is a jerk. I would go so far as to say he wanted to hurt you because of his anger issues. Sad, but not your problem.
posted by BibiRose at 8:05 AM on March 7, 2015 [4 favorites]
I was dating what seemed like a guy who was very much into me but as soon as we got out of the gate, he completely changed.
Somewhere after the month mark things changed. He seemed irritated and though I didn't think it was directed at me completely, his tone changed.
You probably know this already, but just in case, what happened was that he didn't change as a person, it sounds like he stopped with the impression management once he had you "hooked" and revealed to you the kind of person he really was underneath it all, and had been all along.
Baggage Reclaim is an awesome site, and the author does such a good job of breaking down the patterns of behavior exhibited by shitty guys in relationships. One of the things she writes about is Fast Forwarding, where someone rushes you through the discovery process of dating causing you to miss red flags, and it sounds like you went through this. You may also want to read her entries on future faking, Why can't he go back to being "that guy?", and trust points, And especially drip feeding, which it sounds like you encountered in the way he revealed his checkered past and alcohol problems.
I hope you get back out there into dating soon, having taken what you can from this. There really is no other explanation than that this guy was an asshole all along. Go find yourself a grown-up, someone with some decent character and maturity, and don't take this guy's BS seriously.
posted by alphanerd at 8:06 AM on March 7, 2015 [13 favorites]
Somewhere after the month mark things changed. He seemed irritated and though I didn't think it was directed at me completely, his tone changed.
You probably know this already, but just in case, what happened was that he didn't change as a person, it sounds like he stopped with the impression management once he had you "hooked" and revealed to you the kind of person he really was underneath it all, and had been all along.
Baggage Reclaim is an awesome site, and the author does such a good job of breaking down the patterns of behavior exhibited by shitty guys in relationships. One of the things she writes about is Fast Forwarding, where someone rushes you through the discovery process of dating causing you to miss red flags, and it sounds like you went through this. You may also want to read her entries on future faking, Why can't he go back to being "that guy?", and trust points, And especially drip feeding, which it sounds like you encountered in the way he revealed his checkered past and alcohol problems.
I hope you get back out there into dating soon, having taken what you can from this. There really is no other explanation than that this guy was an asshole all along. Go find yourself a grown-up, someone with some decent character and maturity, and don't take this guy's BS seriously.
posted by alphanerd at 8:06 AM on March 7, 2015 [13 favorites]
And also, a guy with two duis who is still drinking heavily is going to wind up in deep shit, sooner rather than later. At your age you shouldn't even be considering getting involved with all that, even if the guy was a teddy bear otherwise.
posted by BibiRose at 8:09 AM on March 7, 2015 [7 favorites]
posted by BibiRose at 8:09 AM on March 7, 2015 [7 favorites]
ps - I dated a guy like this for three years and he ruined my life and helped awaken a pretty scary eating disorder in me. Now I have a life rule: any time I feel like eating ice cream, I do it. (My delight for ice cream particularly enraged my ex and I have multiple memories of him taking a bowl from me and throwing it against the wall or dumping it down the sink while calling 90-lb me a fatass.) So now I eat it whenever I damn well please. I think you should also institute this rule. Being able to eat ice cream whenever I decide I want to eat ice cream is one of the best parts of being an adult.
posted by sockermom at 8:12 AM on March 7, 2015 [17 favorites]
posted by sockermom at 8:12 AM on March 7, 2015 [17 favorites]
If an asshole doesn't like you, you should celebrate because you're doing life right.
Look, you can't take responsibility for other people's personality problems. This guy was an abuser, you found out quickly, and you're out of it. That's how you do it, that's kind of what dating is. That doesn't mean everyone is like that, but it is an important lesson to take with you going forward: when people show you who they are, believe them. If it doesn't suit you - and that might not mean being an abusive shithead, it might just mean your goals and life philosophies don't mesh - don't try to force it.
Reframe this as a success. Know that there are shitty people out there and they are unavoidable, and there are also wonderful people who (whether as boyfriends or friends or people you only know briefly before they moved on and so do you) make your life better, and don't settle for less than that.
posted by Lyn Never at 8:27 AM on March 7, 2015 [12 favorites]
Look, you can't take responsibility for other people's personality problems. This guy was an abuser, you found out quickly, and you're out of it. That's how you do it, that's kind of what dating is. That doesn't mean everyone is like that, but it is an important lesson to take with you going forward: when people show you who they are, believe them. If it doesn't suit you - and that might not mean being an abusive shithead, it might just mean your goals and life philosophies don't mesh - don't try to force it.
Reframe this as a success. Know that there are shitty people out there and they are unavoidable, and there are also wonderful people who (whether as boyfriends or friends or people you only know briefly before they moved on and so do you) make your life better, and don't settle for less than that.
posted by Lyn Never at 8:27 AM on March 7, 2015 [12 favorites]
This guy sets all my "abusive jerk" flags off. In fact, some of what he did sounds abusive to me. It's okay if you need to do a bit of therapy to get past this. It might help you heal faster and be able to detect this kind of crap faster in the future. (It is very hard to see when you're in it, so don't be hard on yourself.)
Also, if a guy starts telling you that things you do are a deal breaker, that is probably a good time to break it off. If he's saying it and not breaking it off, this may be abusive or at least manipulative, depending on what's involved.
posted by Chaussette and the Pussy Cats at 8:34 AM on March 7, 2015 [1 favorite]
Also, if a guy starts telling you that things you do are a deal breaker, that is probably a good time to break it off. If he's saying it and not breaking it off, this may be abusive or at least manipulative, depending on what's involved.
posted by Chaussette and the Pussy Cats at 8:34 AM on March 7, 2015 [1 favorite]
You sound like you have your head on straight and are reeling from the abruptness of the breakup. Likely because you have your head on straight, you are attempting to find logical motivations for his actions. Going over this in your head is only going to lead you in circles because he sounds like a bit of a lost soul and likely not operating from a place of emotional reason. You sound cool and rational and I suspect you will be just fine. This guy sucks and it's not your fault.
posted by Katine at 9:02 AM on March 7, 2015 [4 favorites]
posted by Katine at 9:02 AM on March 7, 2015 [4 favorites]
You put up with a stressful job because you ARE ambitious. You are earning good money for your age and education level and you know that you are lucky to be in such a position, so you are willing to put up with some amount of stupid crap at work until you can move on to something bigger and better. That is EXACTLY what real ambition is-- willingness to slog through stressful situations in order to achieve a goal.
Why do you think he really wanted you to quit? Do you think it's because the job was stressing you out, or do you think it was because you are better educated than he is and working in career with more social cache than his, and that made him feel insecure? I am guessing that he broke up with you precisely because you are ambitious and that freaks him out, because his biggest ambition until he met you was is to impress people with the size of his arms and the stuff he learned watching NOVA on Netflix last night, and here you come along with all your shit together at 22, sailing through school on time, working a real grownup full time job with real grownup full time stress, etc. Maybe at first he was flying high on the idea of landing such a prize (Because I mean, he's not a feminist right? So to him, you can be that, instead of a real person: a prize). And then he started to feel insecure about his ability to keep you around. Maybe it didn't matter to YOU that your boyfriend was working a part-time factory job and going to community college and spending his free time when he wasn't working out drinking and bullshitting while you completed a higher level of education worked at a responsible "real" full time job-- maybe who people ARE is more important to you than how much money or how many degrees they earn, so it didn't bother you-- but it bothered him. So he decided he would knock you down a peg or two. Prove that he knew more than you about some things-- like say, fitness, and random documentary-related facts, by arguing and policing your behavior. Convince you to quit that job, so that maybe you wind up with a lower-level, part-time gig like his. But you wouldn't engage in arguments for argument's sake, you wouldn't give up ice cream, and you weren't so quick to quit that stressful gig that (rightly or not) puts you a whole level above him on the social class ladder. So he dumped you.
And while dumping you he called you all the things he was scared you'd call him if you left him first. Unambitious. Unattractive. A loser.
By doing that, he only proved that he really DOES have no class, and you really ARE out of his league. Too bad for him.
You'll find someone better.
posted by BlueJae at 9:46 AM on March 7, 2015 [10 favorites]
Why do you think he really wanted you to quit? Do you think it's because the job was stressing you out, or do you think it was because you are better educated than he is and working in career with more social cache than his, and that made him feel insecure? I am guessing that he broke up with you precisely because you are ambitious and that freaks him out, because his biggest ambition until he met you was is to impress people with the size of his arms and the stuff he learned watching NOVA on Netflix last night, and here you come along with all your shit together at 22, sailing through school on time, working a real grownup full time job with real grownup full time stress, etc. Maybe at first he was flying high on the idea of landing such a prize (Because I mean, he's not a feminist right? So to him, you can be that, instead of a real person: a prize). And then he started to feel insecure about his ability to keep you around. Maybe it didn't matter to YOU that your boyfriend was working a part-time factory job and going to community college and spending his free time when he wasn't working out drinking and bullshitting while you completed a higher level of education worked at a responsible "real" full time job-- maybe who people ARE is more important to you than how much money or how many degrees they earn, so it didn't bother you-- but it bothered him. So he decided he would knock you down a peg or two. Prove that he knew more than you about some things-- like say, fitness, and random documentary-related facts, by arguing and policing your behavior. Convince you to quit that job, so that maybe you wind up with a lower-level, part-time gig like his. But you wouldn't engage in arguments for argument's sake, you wouldn't give up ice cream, and you weren't so quick to quit that stressful gig that (rightly or not) puts you a whole level above him on the social class ladder. So he dumped you.
And while dumping you he called you all the things he was scared you'd call him if you left him first. Unambitious. Unattractive. A loser.
By doing that, he only proved that he really DOES have no class, and you really ARE out of his league. Too bad for him.
You'll find someone better.
posted by BlueJae at 9:46 AM on March 7, 2015 [10 favorites]
Nthing that you dodged a bullet. He felt threatened by how awesome you are, and decided to lash out and try to make you feel shitty about yourself. Which you shouldn't -- I mean, consider the source that all that criticism was coming from, you know? You'll find someone MUCH better, and soon you'll be able to look back on this and laugh.
posted by sarcasticah at 10:39 AM on March 7, 2015
posted by sarcasticah at 10:39 AM on March 7, 2015
You are very lucky this person broke up with you. Do not give him, or anything he said, another thought.
posted by ead at 10:50 AM on March 7, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by ead at 10:50 AM on March 7, 2015 [1 favorite]
You sound *awesome.* You were out of this guy's league and he lashed out in an immature, borderline abusive way.
None of his comments had anything to do with you; they had everything to do with him and his insecurities.
Breakups are a lot like concussions. They hurt they leave your perceptions distorted. Take really good care of yourself, reach out to your friends, and attribute your feelings of weirdness to your breakup concussion. You will be great. This guy? I'm not so sure about.
posted by nerdfish at 11:04 AM on March 7, 2015 [2 favorites]
None of his comments had anything to do with you; they had everything to do with him and his insecurities.
Breakups are a lot like concussions. They hurt they leave your perceptions distorted. Take really good care of yourself, reach out to your friends, and attribute your feelings of weirdness to your breakup concussion. You will be great. This guy? I'm not so sure about.
posted by nerdfish at 11:04 AM on March 7, 2015 [2 favorites]
You know, at 22, you are very young and this may have been the first real jerk you've ever got close to. I want to say congratulations, because you sound really accomplished and full of self esteem - that's probably what's kept the jerks at bay till now. But you've dealt with it. You're fine. It will make it easier to recognise jerks in the future.
Everybody starts out young and inexperienced, and without experiences nobody learns. I wonder if part of what's irritating you is that you didn't get a chance to challenge him and refute what he said? Well, I would say the experience of doing that is not worth the bother. It always costs more than it's worth. Let it go: you don't have to tell him he's wrong. What's that saying, never wrestle with a pig, you get dirty and the pig likes it? You don't need to get mixed up in his stupid ideas. You're fine as you are, you've got nothing to prove. You're going to meet a lot of jerks, and now you have something to recognise them by.
posted by glasseyes at 11:08 AM on March 7, 2015 [1 favorite]
Everybody starts out young and inexperienced, and without experiences nobody learns. I wonder if part of what's irritating you is that you didn't get a chance to challenge him and refute what he said? Well, I would say the experience of doing that is not worth the bother. It always costs more than it's worth. Let it go: you don't have to tell him he's wrong. What's that saying, never wrestle with a pig, you get dirty and the pig likes it? You don't need to get mixed up in his stupid ideas. You're fine as you are, you've got nothing to prove. You're going to meet a lot of jerks, and now you have something to recognise them by.
posted by glasseyes at 11:08 AM on March 7, 2015 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: Honestly I am not a planner. He was. He would go to bed super early every night on a schedule and lecture me about getting healthy sleep. At some point he wanted to challenge me on everything I did. He said fitness was something he wanted to share with a significant other and I didn't express enough interest. He said at one point he could help me become a big strong beast... That I have no desire to be. Lol
After a certain point he started suggesting these things and looking down on my habits and I told him who are you my dad? Idk if he liked that. Previously I was in an emotionally abusive relationship and even though it didn't work out for obvious reasons, on some level I knew he did not truly think me stupid. He was a law school graduate and asked my opinion on many things. I am not in school this semester due to work but I'm certainly no slacker. Sure I dont run on a schedule. It just shocked me how sweet turned to harsh jabs. Yes, part of me wants to say you're wrong but then I think he wants somebody who lifts weights and does calculus in their head like him, he also wants to be the one wearing the pants and I have a tendency to be loud and a lot of people think I'm funny so I steal his thunder. It's who I am and he's obviously not okay with me being that way. I'm not in the honor society but I was invited on the university level. I just feel like I am being told my creative, crazy, loving, self is not enough and on some level (especially when we got physical) I didnt feel the chemistry between us. I could not get over the fact that I was very endowed in the hip area and I felt judged with my clothes off. He and I were out of sync. I dont think my body actually bothered him, I think it was who I was. He told me it didn't matter if I was a supermodel, or if I was still in school I just lacked. All this from somebody who initially couldn't take his eyes off me.
In the end, I should've trusted my initial perception; he takes himself way too seriously. He was always trying too hard and I was just me.
posted by Chelsaroo650 at 11:59 AM on March 7, 2015 [5 favorites]
After a certain point he started suggesting these things and looking down on my habits and I told him who are you my dad? Idk if he liked that. Previously I was in an emotionally abusive relationship and even though it didn't work out for obvious reasons, on some level I knew he did not truly think me stupid. He was a law school graduate and asked my opinion on many things. I am not in school this semester due to work but I'm certainly no slacker. Sure I dont run on a schedule. It just shocked me how sweet turned to harsh jabs. Yes, part of me wants to say you're wrong but then I think he wants somebody who lifts weights and does calculus in their head like him, he also wants to be the one wearing the pants and I have a tendency to be loud and a lot of people think I'm funny so I steal his thunder. It's who I am and he's obviously not okay with me being that way. I'm not in the honor society but I was invited on the university level. I just feel like I am being told my creative, crazy, loving, self is not enough and on some level (especially when we got physical) I didnt feel the chemistry between us. I could not get over the fact that I was very endowed in the hip area and I felt judged with my clothes off. He and I were out of sync. I dont think my body actually bothered him, I think it was who I was. He told me it didn't matter if I was a supermodel, or if I was still in school I just lacked. All this from somebody who initially couldn't take his eyes off me.
In the end, I should've trusted my initial perception; he takes himself way too seriously. He was always trying too hard and I was just me.
posted by Chelsaroo650 at 11:59 AM on March 7, 2015 [5 favorites]
You might want to read Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men. It may give you a framework for decoding some of this type of behavior.
posted by jaguar at 12:46 PM on March 7, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by jaguar at 12:46 PM on March 7, 2015 [3 favorites]
He was lashing out at you to make himself feel better because he felt threatened by you. You absolutely dodged a bullet
I'm just repeating this because it is so true. You're fine, he's a mess. The less time you spend trying to make sense of it the better, because it will never make sense. This guy doesn't understand himself well enough to be able to acknowledge his own feelings. He tried to tear you down rather than admit to himself that he wasn't the person he wanted to be.
posted by 5_13_23_42_69_666 at 1:04 PM on March 7, 2015 [4 favorites]
I'm just repeating this because it is so true. You're fine, he's a mess. The less time you spend trying to make sense of it the better, because it will never make sense. This guy doesn't understand himself well enough to be able to acknowledge his own feelings. He tried to tear you down rather than admit to himself that he wasn't the person he wanted to be.
posted by 5_13_23_42_69_666 at 1:04 PM on March 7, 2015 [4 favorites]
How do you move past a very blunt breakup?
By remembering that it's not you, it's him. That kind, loving person that you met? It was just a façade. He has issues that he has not resolved, and maybe never well. He did you a favor. I know it hurts, but he's not the guy you thought you were dating.
posted by Enchanting Grasshopper at 1:30 PM on March 7, 2015 [1 favorite]
By remembering that it's not you, it's him. That kind, loving person that you met? It was just a façade. He has issues that he has not resolved, and maybe never well. He did you a favor. I know it hurts, but he's not the guy you thought you were dating.
posted by Enchanting Grasshopper at 1:30 PM on March 7, 2015 [1 favorite]
I wouldn't put any further thought into what he must have been thinking or what his opinion of you might have been It sounds like he was jealous of you and your accomplishments. I think your impression of him as insecure is right on the money. You dodged a bullet and need to remind yourself of that when you feel the urge to think it was some shortcoming or action on your part. Hugs.
posted by SillyShepherd at 1:36 PM on March 7, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by SillyShepherd at 1:36 PM on March 7, 2015 [1 favorite]
So, anecdata and all that, but nearly every alcoholic I've dated has been way TOO awesome out of the gate and then fizzled about 2-3 months in. (Fortunately, we aren't in our 20s anymore, so they just ghosted instead of belittling me.)
My armchair shrink theory is that infatuation is just one more high to chase. After a few times of this happening, it got so that if things were AWESOME within the first two weeks I started looking for the guy's addiction, and by god, there was always one, even if it turned out they'd been sober 15 years.
In short, intense AWESOME!1!! within the first couple of weeks became a red flag.
posted by small_ruminant at 2:31 PM on March 7, 2015 [8 favorites]
My armchair shrink theory is that infatuation is just one more high to chase. After a few times of this happening, it got so that if things were AWESOME within the first two weeks I started looking for the guy's addiction, and by god, there was always one, even if it turned out they'd been sober 15 years.
In short, intense AWESOME!1!! within the first couple of weeks became a red flag.
posted by small_ruminant at 2:31 PM on March 7, 2015 [8 favorites]
Wow. Fuck that guy.
Seriously don't give him a second thought. Don't read any more of this thread. There's nothing to figure out. No magic secret.
Any time you're tempted to figure this out, just think: "wow what a douche. He treats people like garbage. Fuck THAT guy."
Then move your mind to better things. Like what to make for dinner.
posted by St. Peepsburg at 5:23 PM on March 7, 2015 [1 favorite]
Seriously don't give him a second thought. Don't read any more of this thread. There's nothing to figure out. No magic secret.
Any time you're tempted to figure this out, just think: "wow what a douche. He treats people like garbage. Fuck THAT guy."
Then move your mind to better things. Like what to make for dinner.
posted by St. Peepsburg at 5:23 PM on March 7, 2015 [1 favorite]
You dodged a bullet. He sounds really insecure to me. To feel better about yourself, keep reminding yourself of all your accomplishments (very good life choices at your young age btw) and use positive self-talk when you're feeling unsure of yourself.
But again, he sounds pretty immature and maybe a little jealous of your accomplishments. It stinks being involved with someone who has to put you down to build them-self up, and his constant need to be right, to be more important, smarter than everyone else (and esp you, funny how concerned he was with his superiority over you), etc would be draining for most people.
One day you'll meet a guy who likes you for you AND is super proud to have a smart accomplished girlfriend. That guy you keep. This one you forget.
posted by RichardHenryYarbo at 5:49 PM on March 7, 2015 [1 favorite]
But again, he sounds pretty immature and maybe a little jealous of your accomplishments. It stinks being involved with someone who has to put you down to build them-self up, and his constant need to be right, to be more important, smarter than everyone else (and esp you, funny how concerned he was with his superiority over you), etc would be draining for most people.
One day you'll meet a guy who likes you for you AND is super proud to have a smart accomplished girlfriend. That guy you keep. This one you forget.
posted by RichardHenryYarbo at 5:49 PM on March 7, 2015 [1 favorite]
Thank God you didn't marry him and have children. This guy did you two favors: He taught you some character traits to avoid in future relationships and he left you.
Yay! Ben and Jerry's tonight!
Don't even glance back - he's exactly what you don't want.
posted by aryma at 5:59 PM on March 7, 2015 [2 favorites]
Yay! Ben and Jerry's tonight!
Don't even glance back - he's exactly what you don't want.
posted by aryma at 5:59 PM on March 7, 2015 [2 favorites]
So he is a law school graduate and yet he's working in a factory and going to community college... hmm, might that have something to do with his checkered past? Yeah, that career trajectory lends even more credence to the theory that he is insecure and tearing you down because he feels bad about his own choices.
could not get over the fact that I was very endowed in the hip area
Anyone who you've only been dating for a couple of weeks - strike that, ANYONE who you've been dating for any length of time who sees you naked and makes negative remarks about your physique - that person is the definition of Bad Partner. Insta-DTMFA for any future occurrences.
posted by treehorn+bunny at 6:39 PM on March 7, 2015 [2 favorites]
could not get over the fact that I was very endowed in the hip area
Anyone who you've only been dating for a couple of weeks - strike that, ANYONE who you've been dating for any length of time who sees you naked and makes negative remarks about your physique - that person is the definition of Bad Partner. Insta-DTMFA for any future occurrences.
posted by treehorn+bunny at 6:39 PM on March 7, 2015 [2 favorites]
He sounds like a sociopath, or at least just a fucking weirdo asshole. Honestly, he was raising red flags for a while, it sounds like, and you should've told yourself you deserved better and dumped him earlier. Then he would've never been able to dump you and you wouldn't have wasted your time with this loser.
I would be less worried about getting dumped again in the future and worry more about realizing you deserve someone who isn't such a judgmental piece of shit to you.
posted by AppleTurnover at 8:41 PM on March 7, 2015 [1 favorite]
I would be less worried about getting dumped again in the future and worry more about realizing you deserve someone who isn't such a judgmental piece of shit to you.
posted by AppleTurnover at 8:41 PM on March 7, 2015 [1 favorite]
I'm a little worried about your follow-up question because you're still dwelling on "he said this, and he said that, and..."
But he's a garbage person with garbage opinions so fuck that guy. Anything he said or did doesn't matter because he's a shitbag and not your problem anymore.
Call up some good friends, go out to dinner with them to celebrate getting this garbage out of your life, and dedicate the next week to enjoying things you love and being your single, fabulous self!
posted by Squeak Attack at 8:47 AM on March 8, 2015 [5 favorites]
But he's a garbage person with garbage opinions so fuck that guy. Anything he said or did doesn't matter because he's a shitbag and not your problem anymore.
Call up some good friends, go out to dinner with them to celebrate getting this garbage out of your life, and dedicate the next week to enjoying things you love and being your single, fabulous self!
posted by Squeak Attack at 8:47 AM on March 8, 2015 [5 favorites]
Don't give this guy any credit for knowing or "seeing" anything about you. His comments are all about finding a way to put you down so that you do not challenge him, and nothing to do with any substance. So, you're not into fitness and he criticizes you for it, but if you were a marathon runner he would say that you did too much cardio, and if you were into cross fit he'd say you weren't feminine enough. There would always be something, and it has everything to do with him and nothing to do with you.
You dodged a bullet. Now you get to live well, without some insecure jerk nipping at your heels. That really is the best revenge.
posted by rpfields at 9:39 AM on March 8, 2015 [3 favorites]
You dodged a bullet. Now you get to live well, without some insecure jerk nipping at your heels. That really is the best revenge.
posted by rpfields at 9:39 AM on March 8, 2015 [3 favorites]
One little hint on how to take your power back after someone has gotten in your head: Every time he (or something he said) comes into your mind, picture him at home pooping, and picture yourself with a lovely glass of wine at an art gallery chatting with artsy people. (Or change this vision to whatever his most embarrassing moment was, and whatever your vision of success for yourself is.) Change his name in your phone to Douchebag Do-not-answer. If his real name ever pops into your mind, remind yourself that his name is "Douchebag" and forever shall he be known.
posted by Bentobox Humperdinck at 1:46 PM on March 9, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by Bentobox Humperdinck at 1:46 PM on March 9, 2015 [1 favorite]
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