how do I reconcile being asexual with wanting romantic relationships?
March 7, 2015 5:30 AM   Subscribe

how do I reconcile being asexual with wanting romantic relationships with people who are not asexual?

I feel like I don't experience sexual attraction at all. I've tended to call myself grey-asexual lately -- although, I used to call myself demisexual (perhaps wishful-thinking?). I have had sex with my romantic partners, either as a part of kink (which I enjoy), or simply because my partners want to — although, it's not like I don't enjoy the physical act of sex, I guess. Physical intimacy, with my romantic partners as part of sex and kink or otherwise, is something I find deeply gratifying on some innately personal level. But, sex isn't something I really need, or even want to ask for, from my partners — although, I do tend to need and want (non-sexual?) physical intimacy from my partners.

Yet, at the same time, I've realized lately that even if I find myself romantically attracted to someone, not being sexually attracted to them has been a huge (mental?) roadblock to forming any kind of meaningful lasting bond with them. The people I've been with so far have tended to want sex from me. And it's something I find myself ill-prepared to actually accommodate, in part due to my relative inexperience, but mostly due to not having any kind of desire to have sex with them. And I find myself figuratively (and sometimes literally) walking away from potential partners simply because I don't want to have sex with them, or simply aren't otherwise-interested enough to want to fake my way through it.

I'm a trans woman and before my transition I used to think that transitioning might do something to help with my asexuality, that transition and the right mix of hormones would let me experience sexual attraction... And it hasn't. And while it has lead to me coming out of my shell, and lead to me starting to really date people for the first time in my life, it's also resulted in a lot of difficult moments for me as I realize that I want from a relationship is apparently completely different from what most other people want.

And, it's suddenly become a real struggle. I am romantically attracted to people, and I want romantic relationships with them, and I sorta want and need some physical closeness with them... but I'm also not finding myself sexually attracted to anyone, and in a world that seems to expect sex (not even just as part of relationships, but even just casually) I'm finding myself utterly lost and confused by all of this. I don't really want to want to be alone anymore, yet I find navigating relationships infinitely more difficult if I express my asexuality, and I'm at a loss as to what to do.
posted by and they trembled before her fury to Human Relations (17 answers total) 21 users marked this as a favorite
 
So first up, you aren't alone and there are plenty of people who aren't interested in sex but want the closeness of a romantic relationship. Finding these other people seems like the kind of thing that the Internet is perfect for.

I don't identity as asexual but I have plenty of experience navigating complicated sexuality in relationships, if you'd like to talk more PM me.
posted by KernalM at 5:46 AM on March 7, 2015 [1 favorite]


You definitely aren't alone! There are all levels of sexual desire present in all types of people. I don't know if you're looking for a relationship with a man, but in case you are, here's one voice speaking out against that sexist trope that all men want sex all the time.

But to be honest, even if you aren't looking for a relationship with a man, this is true of all people. If you like someone romantically, you shouldn't feel afraid or embarassed to discuss sexual desire with them to see if you match. If you don't match and things get awkward or difficult, then you can go back and search for someone more aligned with your feelings on the matter. I promise there are people out there who will match closely with you.

This part does make me a little sad though:
before my transition I used to think that transitioning might do something to help with my asexuality, that transition and the right mix of hormones would let me experience sexual attraction

If you really really want to feel sexual desire, I think you should try to make that happen if you can. Maybe discuss this with your endocrinologist? And if there's nothing to be done, consider working this out in therapy.

If I've read this wrong and your feeling is more like, hmm, what if? then I apologize for my assumption and repeat that you're just fine doing you, and if you don't want to be sexual, then don't!
posted by chainsofreedom at 5:56 AM on March 7, 2015


Have you looked for asexuality-specific communities online? I think there you can find more direct help and understanding than in a general interest community like Ask Metafilter -- and I say that because to the extent I understand the asexual community, this is absolutely a core issue. So you're most definitely not alone. (And the asexual movement is substantial enough at this point that even if you're not in a big urban center, you might well find people in your area who not only understand but are looking for the same approaches in a relationship.)
posted by kalapierson at 5:59 AM on March 7, 2015 [1 favorite]


How do you feel about the poly community? A lot of trans people are involved in it in one way or another. I think a triad, where two non-asexual people can satisfy each other sexually and you can join them for kink scenes/post-bang tea and snuggles in bed/movie night on the couch, might fit you better than a monogamous partnership with a non-asexual person.

Of course, if that's not what your heart wants, it's not what it wants.
posted by Juliet Banana at 6:02 AM on March 7, 2015 [2 favorites]


Polyamorous relationships may also be worth exploring if you can't find monogamous partners who want what you want. Most people are interested in sexual relationships, but if they are getting that from other partners, may be more open to a romantic asexual relationship.

On preview, what Juliet Banana said, but don't assume you need to attach yourself to a couple; you can have one-on-one relationships with poly folks too.
posted by metasarah at 6:07 AM on March 7, 2015 [1 favorite]


I know someone just like you! She's an asexual, kinky trans woman. She's in a romantic long-term non-monogamous relationship with a kinky guy, and they do plenty of kinky stuff together, but not sex. She's okay with the guy getting his sexual needs met elsewhere. Would you be okay with that? That might expand your possibilities quite a bit.

AFAIK they met in the local kink community, so that's what I would recommend exploring. You'll certainly be able to find people to casually play with who don't want sex - that's pretty common. Romantic relationships might be harder to come by, but dating is just a numbers game. You'll have to get out there and meet a bunch of people. Good luck!
posted by desjardins at 6:21 AM on March 7, 2015 [4 favorites]


Repeating the poly/open thing if you think that will work for you.

I'm a kinky romantic ace too! What worked for me is being straight up out up front about the ace thing so I didn't even try with anyone who isn't fine with not having sex with me. It filters out a lot right of the bat, but anytime it filters out isn't worth your time.

I'm living with a poly guy, 4+ years of cuddles and kink. He has sexual relationships with other people so I don't feel and pressure (internal or external) to perform with him, I get all the cuddles and physical contact I want (and I get cool friends because, frankly, he has good taste in women). I've also had many fun play partners and not one of them had made an issue of not having sex with me.

Feel free to reach out to me directly me if you have questions :)
posted by rpbtm at 6:52 AM on March 7, 2015 [5 favorites]


How do you feel about polyamory? As others have stated, someone getting their needs met elsewhere might be more willing to fulfill yours without asking for sex.
posted by corb at 9:47 AM on March 7, 2015


If you don't feel the poly thing, there's absolutely no reason you couldn't have a romantic relationship with an asexual person, someone who wants the same things you do (and is either kinky themselves, or fine with you having other play partners). I mean, it is a numbers game and you'll obviously have an easier time if you live in a city, but thankfully the internet exists and that'll help a lot.
posted by you're a kitty! at 10:35 AM on March 7, 2015


Best answer: Hey, I'm ace, too--feel free to PM me if you would like input. This totally is a core asexual community issue, partly because there aren't many ideal options here. (Tradeoffs being roughly: dating other aces only can be rough because they're generally hard to find near you; poly doesn't work for everyone, can also be hard to find, and in particular it can hit people right in the insecurities re: not being primary/a "full" partner; dating non-asexual people monogamously is a mess because it requires the ace person to be very clear on their own boundaries and also field a lot of misconceptions and it's, well, a difficult situation). Some of these options work for some people; some don't. It's complicated, as with everything to do with sexuality and gender.

What I have seen that does seem to work is, effectively, figuring out which of these "costs" are easiest for you to deal with. For me, the sort of poly that I see based around an actual community does not work super well for me because I take forever to get attached to someone and... oh, I don't know, the community doesn't set up for the needs of someone like me. Which is fine! I wound up falling pretty much by accident into a long-distance triad with two other asexual people, and am going the sponsoring-for-immigration route with one of my partners right now. That's going awesome thus far, buuuut it did require getting married and now waiting for a bit over a year to resolve the long-distance thing. And you have to be good at handling long-distance there. I will say that the "by accident" thing involves, as with most queer dating, finding a way to get yourself interacting with lots of people who identify similarly to you. I met my partners first through AVEN and then through the Transyadas, who started as a mostly-nonbinary, mostly-asexual-spectrum group of people who left AVEN after a nasty incident in 2010. (I am not trans, but I was friends with most of them, so I followed them.)

You can also list yourself as asexual on OKCupid and try the online dating thing that way. I helped a friend set up a profile there a while back and was a little astonished to see how many people listing themselves as ace were out there. Incidentally, you are by far not the only asexual person who is interested in sex partly because of kink. I'd suggest that you maybe have a look at Prismatic Entanglements, which is written by an asexual woman who is partnered to a trans woman. In particular you may find this post potentially useful to hand to future partners, and you may be interested in this interview with her partner about 'dating an asexual' that they co-wrote.

One last thing I'd like to bring up is that it's not that difficult to set up an ace community where you live, if there isn't one already in your city. (Check Meetup.com and the AVEN meetup sites for lists of most of the active ones.) I set mine up by saying "okay, I'm going to get a Meetup.com account and sit out at a local coffee shop for a couple of hours every two weeks and see if anyone joins me." It only took a week before someone saw my posting and showed up. My experience is that a lot of asexual-spectrum folks are pretty desperate for community, especially past college, and it doesn't take much to get people turning up to chat.
posted by sciatrix at 10:38 AM on March 7, 2015 [9 favorites]


I have memailed you.
posted by HermitDog at 10:47 AM on March 7, 2015 [1 favorite]


OK, this is a slight tangent, so bear with me, but do you read the ever-excellent and rapidly-wrapping-up webcomic Girls With Slingshots? Two characters, Jamie and Erin, are in a romantic relationship. Erin is asexual, Jamie is not (but not super typical in her sexual expression either), and several strips document them working through it with each other, to those around them, and within themselves. In this case, they parted over a misunderstanding about their sexual differences, and then got back together when they realized that it didn't have to break them up. Erin has given Jamie her blessing (and even her help) to find a playmate, and Jamie has occasionally done so casually, although she experiences internal guilt anyway when doing so. Jamie has also had a promising flirtation with a man fizzle because he couldn't get completely comfortable about her relationship, despite Erin's blessing. Jamie and Erin appear to remain deeply in love and committed to figuring it out, however.

My intent is not to minimize you by comparing you to a webcomic character, or to say that the way they handled things is the best or only way, but I thought you might find some enjoyment out of their story. It's only one example of how a fictional couple has dealt with not matching perfectly in sexuality but it's shown with sensitivity, humor, sweetness, and realism, despite the characters not being real people and being presented in a daily 4-panel format. I didn't want to make this post too distracting, but if you want me to go through and pick out even more specific strips for you, let me know.
posted by spelunkingplato at 10:56 AM on March 7, 2015 [5 favorites]


AFAIK, it's one of the common problems a lot of aces face and I've had to deal with it too. Currently, I follow a few ace bloggers in my reader and they write about the feeling that they were somehow inadequate with their relationships as a result.

Hypothetically, I would try online dating or even meet ups would be a good start too. Common interest groups are easier for me to befriend members and as long as you're upfront about being ace I'm sure most people will understand. Ofc there's people who will be dismissive (yeah I know) but then again there will always be people like that regardless of what one chooses to do in life.

Apart from AVEN there's a subreddit and tumblr/Wordpress community set up which is nice to see other POVs about the topic.
posted by chrono_rabbit at 3:10 PM on March 7, 2015


Unfortunately I don't have any answers for you, but I just wanted to say that you're not alone. My lack of interest in sex was the major reason that most recent long-term relationship ended, and it played a part my most recent break-up, as well. I hate feeling like I'm letting my (sexual) partner down, but I also really want to be in a relationship.

I found this Q&A today about polyamory in such a situation, and it's interesting.
posted by anotheraccount at 3:22 PM on March 7, 2015


[what] I want from a relationship is apparently completely different from what most other people want

I wonder if you're picking on one aspect of yourself and falling into the mental trap of you-vs-the world. The world is full of all kinds of people and neither asexuality nor kinkiness preclude you from a fulfilling relationship. And if you and your lover are both happy with kinky sex, then why does it matter if you don't want or don't have non-kinky sex? Seeing a sex therapist is also completely reasonable.


Maybe you can relate to this:
“Spontaneous” desire is sexual desire that feels out of the blue, whereas responsive desire emerges once a person is in an erotic context.

Or this
(from same blog):
Regardless of what body or identity you have, if you’re more of a “responsive” desire person you might have worried that your interest in sex was abnormally low
...
if you have more physical affection, more trust, more caring, less worry and stress, and less performance pressure, you’ll actually start to respond more readily and have more instances of spontaneous desire.
posted by ana scoot at 8:48 AM on March 8, 2015


how do I reconcile being asexual with wanting romantic relationships with people who are not asexual?

That's like asking how you can have a romantic relationship with someone of your gender when you're gay and they're not. Their sexual orientation is their sexual orientation and your sexual orientation is your sexual orientation and trying to have a relationship when your sexual orientations are incompatible just isn't going to work. It's as futile as a gay person crushing on a straight person or vice versa.

Stick with dating other asexuals. Some sites like OKCupid offer it as a category or you can try a site catering to asexuals instead.
posted by Jacqueline at 4:38 PM on March 8, 2015 [1 favorite]


Response by poster: Probably past the shelf-life of this thread but, I've done a lot of soul-searching these past few days after just getting into a new relationship and something I've realized is that I'm not actually sure I enjoy sex at all, whether there's kink involved or not. Something I figured out is that I almost always have sex out of a sense of obligation to my partners rather than any internal desire to have sex, and also that's almost always seemed to have a negative impact on me afterwards.

I guess I'm more scared of being ace than grey-ace... and that's really what it is, me being scared right now of the unknown. I probably need to stop overthinking things right now though, and see how things go with the new relationship for now.
posted by and they trembled before her fury at 8:57 PM on March 9, 2015 [1 favorite]


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