As a Meetup organizer, do I need to reply to this email?

March 4, 2015 7:37 AM

For the last few months, I've organized a monthly meetup (through Meetup.com) for networking among people in my profession who live in my small town. For the first few months, only two others showed up. A few more people showed up in the past few months, but not all at the same time, so it's generally been two to three people, but always including one of the original women. She's extremely high-maintenance given the context, and I think she just dropped out of the group, and I'm unclear how I should response, or even if I should respond.

My ideal solution would be for her to drop out. She's a giant pessimistic name-dropping anxiety-ball, and I think she's scaring away other new members.

My constraint is that this is a very small town and our business relies on word of mouth, and she's much better connected than I am because she's been here longer. I assume that most reasonable people would realize, very quickly, that she's not the most reliable judge of other people, but I can't be sure of that. (I also don't know how much her "connections" are really trumped up.)

Although she originally found the group through the Meetup website, she doesn't seem to understand how the website works and she sends me multiple confused emails every month with questions that she could answer if she checked the Meetup page (how many people have RSVPed, the date of the meetup, dates of future meetups) and suggestions, often phrased as commands, that don't work well for the group or don't seem to recognize that the three of us who met the first time are not the entirety of the group (wanting to change the venue at the last minute, wanting to change the time at the last minute, etc.). She's also continually pushing me to define a project or mission or goal of the group, which I've been trying to let happen organically based on whatever actual membership base we get -- and I really don't want to link my name, professionally, with hers at this point on any of the projects she proposes (but refuses to plan).

She was apparently annoyed that I had to leave early last night, leaving her with one new group member, and she sent the following email [some niceties at the beginning cut off]:

Is there a way people can RSVP when they are not coming?

The last two times I was only with one person , etc...

I would really love to have at least two ohers - will wait until 3 o 4 are definite.

Thanks for the opportunity though. Appreciate it very much.

Part of me wants to explain, again, how Meetup works, that the group is more of social group at this point, etc. -- basically, defend the group. Another part of me wants to respond with, "OK, sorry it's not going to work for you at this time!" Yet another part of me thinks that not responding might get her to go away faster, but I worry that that part of me is not being friendly small-town professional enough.

What's a respectful way to deal with this, without inviting further engagement from her?

posted by jaguar to Human Relations (15 answers total)

Best answer: I think if it were me I'd go the kill-with-kindness approach and say something like

"Hi,

The Meetup website will let you know if there are going to be more than 3-4 expected (send link). I totally understand why you might want to wait for a larger get together but they have been pretty small so far. Feel free to come back at some later time when the group has gotten a little bigger.

Thanks!

jaguar"

And then just sort of fade on other emails. It's clearly not meting her needs and she's clearly got a different idea of what the group is for than you do. But I don't think this sounded like she was dropping out so much as waiting for a time when the group is bigger (maybe later, maybe never) and so I'd phrase a reply that way.
posted by jessamyn at 7:46 AM on March 4, 2015 [27 favorites]

Her email seems nice enough. She sounds more like someone who may not be technologically adept, but that doesn't mean you can cut her off.

There always will be the nags and the people who don't get it. It's not worth the cost of angering her (and you say she is connected and it's a small town).

I would instead figure out the root issue -

1. Remind her that the meetup page has RSVPs. If she can't figure that out after you mention that a few times, you can say something along the lines of: "I don't have time email you the RSVPs. All the information is available here. I would suggest you bookmark it or check it before going to get a feel for how many are coming."
2. She is upset about how many are coming. Not sure what your goals are, but it seems like a lot of her nagging and RSVP issues would be mitigated if there were more people. I would market this group more. Post it to other organizations in the area, post it on your social groups, or even welcome people who may not fit the "description" perfectly but can be value adds.
posted by pando11 at 7:46 AM on March 4, 2015 [1 favorite]

Best answer: I would give it about a week, and then respond with something that kind of answers her question but not really. Gee, it sure is a shame turnout isn't always too large and that sometimes people choose not to RSVP on site. Oh well, better luck next month! And then encourage her to check the website anytime she asks a question that can be answered there.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 7:48 AM on March 4, 2015 [1 favorite]

Another strategy for getting her to check the web site is to respond such that even if she emails you, she still has to check the web site: "Sorry, I'm away from my computer right now and I'm not sure when I'd be able to check it, but you can find the answer yourself on the web site." A few responses like that and she'll catch on that she has to check the web site and emailing you will just delay the inevitable.
posted by If only I had a penguin... at 7:53 AM on March 4, 2015 [8 favorites]

Part of being a leader is having a strong vision and communicating it clearly.

Even with people who don't assume all the information they want is encapsulated in the meetup.com interface.
posted by amtho at 7:54 AM on March 4, 2015 [2 favorites]

Sounds like she doesn't really understand how MeetUp works. As for you, you may want to think about how networking works. The point is to network, not to socialize per se, so the fact that you find her annoying isn't really relevant.
posted by yarly at 7:54 AM on March 4, 2015 [1 favorite]

Also, if she has all these contacts and thinks turnout is too low, why don't you suggest that she bring people? Besides increasing the group size, presumably people she knows will do some of the work of dealing with her and save you the trouble.
posted by If only I had a penguin... at 7:55 AM on March 4, 2015 [16 favorites]

Yet another part of me thinks that not responding might get her to go away faster, but I worry that that part of me is not being friendly small-town professional enough.

Friendly small-town business professionals don't eagerly jump in and do each other's work. They are just very, very surface-level nice. I think your impulse to respond less often is exactly right. It seems like she is casting herself into the role of the group president where she does all the schmoozing with bigwigs whose names she can drop, and she doesn't need to bother learning the relevant technology or anything else she finds boring or difficult. Meanwhile you're being cast into the role of secretary, where you handle the details of RSVPs, you spoonfeed her the information she wants when she wants it, you attend consistently even when it's less exciting, and now it's supposedly your job to come up with a mission statement on command, too? She's not paying you, so don't do her work for her.

I would try ignoring the behavior you don't want. I totally understand the impulse to quickly answer questions you can answer quickly (see my ask metafilter answer history), but if you want her to ask you fewer of these types of questions, just be very very slow to respond. You're busy with your very busy work schedule, because you're a busy professional, and this is unpaid stuff that unfortunately you just can't prioritize right now (at least that's the story). Meanwhile, if you've gotten some other professionals' cards already from the meetups you've been attending, call them up outside of meetup functions and start getting to know them individually over coffee or lunch, etc.

If you can't resist responding, do it in a way where you're being uber-friendly while not doing her work for her: "It would be great if we could know in advance how many people were coming. I agree it's always more fun when we get a good crowd. Thanks again for founding this group, it's so valuable to me. I'll definitely be at the meeting on x date."
posted by Bentobox Humperdinck at 8:11 AM on March 4, 2015 [5 favorites]

Looks like I misread -- you wrote she found the group, but I thought you wrote that she founded it. I now have even less respect for her lack of effort to get up to speed, but my advice on how to respond is mostly unchanged.
posted by Bentobox Humperdinck at 8:13 AM on March 4, 2015

Response by poster: Just to clarify, I have been responding to her emails with a bit of a delay (usually a few days) pointing her back to the Meetup page to find the information. That hasn't seemed to be working.

If it were just the lack of technical knowledge, I'd be ok with her emails.

The point is to network, not to socialize per se, so the fact that you find her annoying isn't really relevant.

I absolutely agree. The issue I'm having is that because it's such a small group and because she tends to completely dominate conversations, I worry that she's chasing other new people away -- like I said, other than me, she's the only one consistently showing up, and I'm starting to wonder if people not returning and her always being there are related. (I do realize I'm the other common denominator here.)
posted by jaguar at 8:29 AM on March 4, 2015

Best answer: I think Jessamyn's email is a perfect response.

This woman sounds like a nightmare, though. If she does come, and starts with the requests for pomp etc., I think it would be ok to clearly explain (not defend) your group by saying something like "Well, Lorna, my vision for this group is really to create a comfortable, informal space for professionals like us to meet and get to know each other, and talk about whatever is relevant to those who are present. I deliberately want it to be exploratory, because I believe it's important that we understand each other's actual needs and priorities, and not what we assume them to be. I really want everyone who comes to feel equally important and heard".

If she starts to dominate, straight up cut her off. ("Thank you, Lorna. I'd really like to hear what Maggie thinks about that.")

(Are there any times that she probably couldn't make, that would still be ok for others?)
posted by cotton dress sock at 8:39 AM on March 4, 2015 [4 favorites]

To be fair, Meetup's site is...not great. Maybe a subtle conversation about that could be had? She's adept enough to send email, so the language of website usability is maybe not beyond her.
posted by rhizome at 8:39 AM on March 4, 2015

because it's such a small group and because she tends to completely dominate conversations, I worry that she's chasing other new people away

If you can figure out how to communicate this to her, subtly, you'll have gained a very valuable skill.
posted by amtho at 10:01 AM on March 4, 2015

Honestly, it sounds like this Meetup isn't working out so well for the original purpose regardless of this woman, and you even mention that the group has become more of a social thing than a networking thing. I'd at least temporarily shut it down as a "Meetup." For individual people who you met and enjoyed socializing with, continue to do that as friends. In a few months, you could rethink the Meetup thing and think about how to relaunch in a way that actually accomplishes the original purpose (maybe that means organizing networking events through a different avenue, or opening up the specific professions covered by the meetup, or doing a different type of marketing, etc.) In the meantime, I'd just send this woman a quick email saying something to the effect of "You know, you're right, I think in the current format this group isn't attracting enough people for it to make sense continuing. Thank you for your support in this experiment and I wish you the best!"
posted by rainbowbrite at 10:45 AM on March 4, 2015 [2 favorites]

Response by poster: Thanks, all. I just sent a version of jessamyn's email.

(The social/networking overlap is mainly because we're therapists in private practice, so we can't really offer each other leads or jobs or things -- the point is mainly to get to know other local therapists so that we can refer clients with issues we don't treat or who don't fit into our schedules. So it's more about getting a sense of who the other members are and whether we'd trust them with clients, as well as sharing information people might need.)
posted by jaguar at 7:11 PM on March 5, 2015