My dad uses meth and I don't know what to do.
December 31, 2014 11:34 PM Subscribe
I just found out my dad does meth and I don't know how to approach him and/or his fiancé.
My boyfriend and I recently went to see my father and his fiancé for Christmas. We stayed with them for three days and then flew to LA to spend New Years with some friends. On the last night I went to bed early and my boyfriend went to a bar with my dad and cousin. I didn't know about the bar until the following day but he wasn't hung over the morning of our flight so I wasn't worried. When we got on our plane I noticed he had a text sent to a friend that said 'Girlfriend doesn't know'. I immediately confronted him about it and he told me it was a secret and nothing for me to worry about. We spent the flight not discussing it.
As soon as we hit the ground, I received three rapid fire IMs from his best friend telling me to call her ASAP because he had sent her a troubling text. I couldn't call her until we got off the plane and in the meantime he grabbed the phone out of my hand. He texted her not to tell me anything. Then for the five minutes she kept asking me if he seemed like he did it, over and over. She told me to look for withdrawl symptoms. We're finally off the plane and in the airport and she sends me a quote from a website that starts with "Crystal can be in the body anywhere from 2-20 hours...." I read further after I gained control of my wits again. I confronted him again and he finally gave me a straight answer after I already knew what happened. I got the full story when we got to our friends' apartment.
It turns out that after they got drunk enough my dad asked my boyfriend if he wanted to snort a line of meth. He tried to decline but my dad laid out the lines and he had one. He told me he never wants to do it again, which I believe. He also told me he kept it from me to protect me. I really hate that sentence but I accepted it. My dad and I have been going about three years strong trying to rebuild a relationship he destroyed with his drinking and addictions. He went to rehab a couple years before my mom passed away and had seemed to turn things around. When mom died I spent the summer of my freshman year living with him and things got better. He is helping me with bills and also has the money my mom passed down to me because I trusted him with it since I was a dumb teenager who wouldn't know how to manage the money. I am no longer a dumb teenager, but have evolved into a naive young adult.
Coming to the point, we are going back to visit them on Friday and I need advice on how to confront him and where to go from here. I'm unsure if his fiancé knows, and I'm not sure if I should talk to her as well if she doesn't.
My boyfriend and I recently went to see my father and his fiancé for Christmas. We stayed with them for three days and then flew to LA to spend New Years with some friends. On the last night I went to bed early and my boyfriend went to a bar with my dad and cousin. I didn't know about the bar until the following day but he wasn't hung over the morning of our flight so I wasn't worried. When we got on our plane I noticed he had a text sent to a friend that said 'Girlfriend doesn't know'. I immediately confronted him about it and he told me it was a secret and nothing for me to worry about. We spent the flight not discussing it.
As soon as we hit the ground, I received three rapid fire IMs from his best friend telling me to call her ASAP because he had sent her a troubling text. I couldn't call her until we got off the plane and in the meantime he grabbed the phone out of my hand. He texted her not to tell me anything. Then for the five minutes she kept asking me if he seemed like he did it, over and over. She told me to look for withdrawl symptoms. We're finally off the plane and in the airport and she sends me a quote from a website that starts with "Crystal can be in the body anywhere from 2-20 hours...." I read further after I gained control of my wits again. I confronted him again and he finally gave me a straight answer after I already knew what happened. I got the full story when we got to our friends' apartment.
It turns out that after they got drunk enough my dad asked my boyfriend if he wanted to snort a line of meth. He tried to decline but my dad laid out the lines and he had one. He told me he never wants to do it again, which I believe. He also told me he kept it from me to protect me. I really hate that sentence but I accepted it. My dad and I have been going about three years strong trying to rebuild a relationship he destroyed with his drinking and addictions. He went to rehab a couple years before my mom passed away and had seemed to turn things around. When mom died I spent the summer of my freshman year living with him and things got better. He is helping me with bills and also has the money my mom passed down to me because I trusted him with it since I was a dumb teenager who wouldn't know how to manage the money. I am no longer a dumb teenager, but have evolved into a naive young adult.
Coming to the point, we are going back to visit them on Friday and I need advice on how to confront him and where to go from here. I'm unsure if his fiancé knows, and I'm not sure if I should talk to her as well if she doesn't.
Agree with the above. Also, get a lawyer and get your inheritance money away from your dad's temptation . That's what adults do.
posted by taff at 12:06 AM on January 1, 2015 [32 favorites]
posted by taff at 12:06 AM on January 1, 2015 [32 favorites]
Unless your mother put it in her will otherwise, what she left you should have been turned over to you once you turned 18.
Nthing getting a lawyer.
posted by brujita at 12:13 AM on January 1, 2015 [14 favorites]
Nthing getting a lawyer.
posted by brujita at 12:13 AM on January 1, 2015 [14 favorites]
Get your money.
Why you would confront your dad about using meth I don't know. He's done this to you before, right? Time to pull back, put firm boundaries in place and pay zero attention to his addictions. Don't argue, confront, cry, beg, ask him to stop or say anything to the fiancee. Your job is taking care of you.
Which brings me to the most concerning thing which is your boyfriend's behaviour; because, seriously. Did meth with your dad. Presumably knows about dad's past addiction issues and the trouble they have caused you. Tried to hide it from you to "protect you" but shared the secret with his friends. That's kind of a lot of drama and you sound like you come from a family that's brimming with drama to start with. So why isn't your question "My boyfriend used meth with my dad and lied to me about it and I don't know what to do?"
posted by yogalemon at 12:33 AM on January 1, 2015 [87 favorites]
Why you would confront your dad about using meth I don't know. He's done this to you before, right? Time to pull back, put firm boundaries in place and pay zero attention to his addictions. Don't argue, confront, cry, beg, ask him to stop or say anything to the fiancee. Your job is taking care of you.
Which brings me to the most concerning thing which is your boyfriend's behaviour; because, seriously. Did meth with your dad. Presumably knows about dad's past addiction issues and the trouble they have caused you. Tried to hide it from you to "protect you" but shared the secret with his friends. That's kind of a lot of drama and you sound like you come from a family that's brimming with drama to start with. So why isn't your question "My boyfriend used meth with my dad and lied to me about it and I don't know what to do?"
posted by yogalemon at 12:33 AM on January 1, 2015 [87 favorites]
You can't be responsible for your dad's addictions. Get a lawyer, get what's left of your money, and dump the boyfriend.
posted by jon1270 at 1:23 AM on January 1, 2015 [28 favorites]
posted by jon1270 at 1:23 AM on January 1, 2015 [28 favorites]
You don't have to go back there Friday, you can go straight home. Any confrontation can be done over the phone which is safer for you and everyone involved. If it were me I'd get the money first, then confront him. And yeah, I'd think long and hard about continuing with that boyfriend. You deserve to be treated better than that. 100x better.
posted by fshgrl at 1:50 AM on January 1, 2015 [7 favorites]
posted by fshgrl at 1:50 AM on January 1, 2015 [7 favorites]
About confronting him on Friday, it might help if you consider what you hope to get out of the confrontation. Are you hoping to intervene in his life (i.e. ask him to go to rehab again)? Or do you just want him to know that you know and that you're worried/angry etc? (If it's the latter, I'd maybe wait, and work on getting your inheritance transferred out of his guardianship first -- it should be easier to do it if you guys are on amicable footing.)
If it's that you want him to go to rehab, I wouldn't go have that conversation this Friday unless I had some emotional/logistical backup, which it doesn't sound like you really do (you'll be in his town, with his fiance who is a bit of an unknown to you it sounds like, and your boyfriend, who doesn't seem like he's been the greatest stable ally in this so far).
Do you have adult family in your life who are stable people (aunts, grandparents, long-term family friends)? Can you reach out to someone else for some help with this? Have you ever gone to any 12-step groups for kids of addicts, or do you have a therapist? I really wish you could have some emotional support here. It's rotten that your dad has relapsed, and particularly difficult that your boyfriend got involved. It'd be a lot for anyone to process. Try to take care of yourself first and foremost. You can worry about other people later, but it's like that thing they say on airplanes, put your own mask on first. I wish you the best psychological oxygen mask possible.
posted by feets at 2:18 AM on January 1, 2015
If it's that you want him to go to rehab, I wouldn't go have that conversation this Friday unless I had some emotional/logistical backup, which it doesn't sound like you really do (you'll be in his town, with his fiance who is a bit of an unknown to you it sounds like, and your boyfriend, who doesn't seem like he's been the greatest stable ally in this so far).
Do you have adult family in your life who are stable people (aunts, grandparents, long-term family friends)? Can you reach out to someone else for some help with this? Have you ever gone to any 12-step groups for kids of addicts, or do you have a therapist? I really wish you could have some emotional support here. It's rotten that your dad has relapsed, and particularly difficult that your boyfriend got involved. It'd be a lot for anyone to process. Try to take care of yourself first and foremost. You can worry about other people later, but it's like that thing they say on airplanes, put your own mask on first. I wish you the best psychological oxygen mask possible.
posted by feets at 2:18 AM on January 1, 2015
To put it another way, this is what I would do in your shoes:
--Postpone conflict by either postponing seeing my dad, or by faking my way through Friday
--Find wise emotional support for myself (therapist, family friend, Al-Anon etc).
--Dump the boyfriend (his behavior makes him seem unreliable)
--Start the process of getting the inheritance moved into my possession
--Once that's done, seek allies in doing an intervention on my dad (family friends, fiance?, etc)
--And if he doesn't want to go to rehab, cut communication with him until/unless he does.
posted by feets at 2:34 AM on January 1, 2015 [6 favorites]
--Postpone conflict by either postponing seeing my dad, or by faking my way through Friday
--Find wise emotional support for myself (therapist, family friend, Al-Anon etc).
--Dump the boyfriend (his behavior makes him seem unreliable)
--Start the process of getting the inheritance moved into my possession
--Once that's done, seek allies in doing an intervention on my dad (family friends, fiance?, etc)
--And if he doesn't want to go to rehab, cut communication with him until/unless he does.
posted by feets at 2:34 AM on January 1, 2015 [6 favorites]
If someone put a line of meth out in front of me, I'd get up, shake my head in disappointment, and walk away. I may or may not use my hand to swipe both lines off the table before walking away.
I definitely would not snort the line of meth with my girlfriend's dad, as if it was my only option. The world must seem like a very tricky place full of tricksters to your boyfriend, if he "succumbs" to that level of implied obligation.
A line of meth on the table is like a line of drano to me. Like, seriously, you may as well ask me to snort a pile of foot fungus, or bleach. Why would I do that? Oh! I get it! Your boyfriend looked at the meth and thought "that will also be fun!" Or he got the invitation and thought "it's rude to let a man do drugs alone!" The ONLY people who believe that are addicts. That's an Addict Code. That's a rule for living that NOBODY has, except people who are, or are vulnerable to becoming, addicts.
If you had control of your mom's money, would you still need your dad's help paying bills?
Go see a lawyer. Don't talk to anyone ahead of time, don't let your anxiety and impatience convince you that you need to tell your boyfriend or dad about it ahead of time. There will be a part of you that says "if I tell my boyfriend I'm getting a lawyer, maybe he'll talk to my dad and my dad will do the right thing and I won't have to go talk to the lawyer." That's not going to happen. And don't tell yourself "if I tell my dad that I can get a lawyer, he'll do the right thing and I won't have to actually get a lawyer." That's a child's fantasy of what will happen.
Lawyer first. It's time to be there for yourself. (Your boyfriend isn't smart and isn't going to be there for you and you should move on from him too - even if it makes you temporarily lonely. He's not a bright guy.) (I'm also going to say this: don't drink and don't use drugs. They're not going to be there for you either.)
posted by vitabellosi at 4:24 AM on January 1, 2015 [72 favorites]
I definitely would not snort the line of meth with my girlfriend's dad, as if it was my only option. The world must seem like a very tricky place full of tricksters to your boyfriend, if he "succumbs" to that level of implied obligation.
A line of meth on the table is like a line of drano to me. Like, seriously, you may as well ask me to snort a pile of foot fungus, or bleach. Why would I do that? Oh! I get it! Your boyfriend looked at the meth and thought "that will also be fun!" Or he got the invitation and thought "it's rude to let a man do drugs alone!" The ONLY people who believe that are addicts. That's an Addict Code. That's a rule for living that NOBODY has, except people who are, or are vulnerable to becoming, addicts.
If you had control of your mom's money, would you still need your dad's help paying bills?
Go see a lawyer. Don't talk to anyone ahead of time, don't let your anxiety and impatience convince you that you need to tell your boyfriend or dad about it ahead of time. There will be a part of you that says "if I tell my boyfriend I'm getting a lawyer, maybe he'll talk to my dad and my dad will do the right thing and I won't have to go talk to the lawyer." That's not going to happen. And don't tell yourself "if I tell my dad that I can get a lawyer, he'll do the right thing and I won't have to actually get a lawyer." That's a child's fantasy of what will happen.
Lawyer first. It's time to be there for yourself. (Your boyfriend isn't smart and isn't going to be there for you and you should move on from him too - even if it makes you temporarily lonely. He's not a bright guy.) (I'm also going to say this: don't drink and don't use drugs. They're not going to be there for you either.)
posted by vitabellosi at 4:24 AM on January 1, 2015 [72 favorites]
Gotta agree with everyone above!
* When you go back there on Friday, no matter what do not stay in your father's house --- it doesn't matter how expensive a hotel is, it isn't worthwhile to stay in the home of a known meth user. Alternatively, go straight home, don't bother going back there. (If his fiancé lives with your father, there's a damn good chance that she might be doing meth too --- ditto the cousin that went to the bar with him.)
* Get a lawyer, and get that money away from you father now. Assuming, that is, that there even is much money left: as a meth user, he and his fiance might've already spent it on drugs --- but again, let a lawyer handle it: do not argue about it with your father, just turn a lawyer loose on him. And if you're unsure how to deal with money management, you can hire someone to do that for you.
* Your boyfriend..... yikes, your boyfriend. DTMFA, that's the only sensible answer here. He thinks it'd be what, bad manners or something to have turned down smoking meth?!? He's stupid. He lied to you about the entire situation: he's dishonest. He's texting other people and telling them to also keep secrets about both him and your father from you?!? He's a stupid, lying, dishonest jerk, and the best thing you can do for yourself is get him out of your life immediately, because who knows what else he's been lying about!
posted by easily confused at 6:07 AM on January 1, 2015 [6 favorites]
* When you go back there on Friday, no matter what do not stay in your father's house --- it doesn't matter how expensive a hotel is, it isn't worthwhile to stay in the home of a known meth user. Alternatively, go straight home, don't bother going back there. (If his fiancé lives with your father, there's a damn good chance that she might be doing meth too --- ditto the cousin that went to the bar with him.)
* Get a lawyer, and get that money away from you father now. Assuming, that is, that there even is much money left: as a meth user, he and his fiance might've already spent it on drugs --- but again, let a lawyer handle it: do not argue about it with your father, just turn a lawyer loose on him. And if you're unsure how to deal with money management, you can hire someone to do that for you.
* Your boyfriend..... yikes, your boyfriend. DTMFA, that's the only sensible answer here. He thinks it'd be what, bad manners or something to have turned down smoking meth?!? He's stupid. He lied to you about the entire situation: he's dishonest. He's texting other people and telling them to also keep secrets about both him and your father from you?!? He's a stupid, lying, dishonest jerk, and the best thing you can do for yourself is get him out of your life immediately, because who knows what else he's been lying about!
posted by easily confused at 6:07 AM on January 1, 2015 [6 favorites]
Oh Dear, I'm so sorry. You need SERIOUS boundaries from your Dad and you need to break up with your boyfriend. Don't bother with confrontations, or discussions. There's nothing to talk about.
I'm with vitabellosi, there is no situation under which I could be coerced into snorting anything, let alone meth. I mean, I can't even think about what that looks like. Also, he ditched a sleeping you to go out carousing with your Dad? In NO world is that okay. He's texting people about what he did, but he's trying to keep it from you? DTMFA. No, seriously.
Your new year is starting out really shitty and I'm sorry for that.
1. Don't go back to your Dad's. Go home.
2. If you're living with your BF, pack up and move, or better yet, kick him out. If you're not, change the locks, your phone number and wipe him from social media. This guy is bad news. Don't think with your heart, think with your head. The meth use is enough of a reason, the sneaking out, lying and secret keeping are each individually reasons. The whole mess? Giant, klaxon, siren and blinking red DANGER signs.
3. The minute the plane lands, call a lawyer to get your money. Don't be surprised if there isn't any because meth is expensive and I've never heard of ANY rich meth users. If he has access to money, your Dad will spend it on drugs.
4. Tell your Dad that you're only interested in a relationship with him if he's sober. And don't buy any bullshit about recreational use. Meth isn't that kind of drug. It's a horrible, addictive and destructive drug with a VERY low recovery rate. Be prepared to walk away from this relationship permanently. Addicts are destructive forces in you life and as much as they may love you, they love their addiction more. It hurts, but it's true.
5. Al-Anon! NOW! Even if you're on vacation. New Year's Day has meeting around the clock, find one and go. Go now! Share your story and see what others say.
You came here because you know this is 7 kinds of fucked up.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 6:22 AM on January 1, 2015 [16 favorites]
I'm with vitabellosi, there is no situation under which I could be coerced into snorting anything, let alone meth. I mean, I can't even think about what that looks like. Also, he ditched a sleeping you to go out carousing with your Dad? In NO world is that okay. He's texting people about what he did, but he's trying to keep it from you? DTMFA. No, seriously.
Your new year is starting out really shitty and I'm sorry for that.
1. Don't go back to your Dad's. Go home.
2. If you're living with your BF, pack up and move, or better yet, kick him out. If you're not, change the locks, your phone number and wipe him from social media. This guy is bad news. Don't think with your heart, think with your head. The meth use is enough of a reason, the sneaking out, lying and secret keeping are each individually reasons. The whole mess? Giant, klaxon, siren and blinking red DANGER signs.
3. The minute the plane lands, call a lawyer to get your money. Don't be surprised if there isn't any because meth is expensive and I've never heard of ANY rich meth users. If he has access to money, your Dad will spend it on drugs.
4. Tell your Dad that you're only interested in a relationship with him if he's sober. And don't buy any bullshit about recreational use. Meth isn't that kind of drug. It's a horrible, addictive and destructive drug with a VERY low recovery rate. Be prepared to walk away from this relationship permanently. Addicts are destructive forces in you life and as much as they may love you, they love their addiction more. It hurts, but it's true.
5. Al-Anon! NOW! Even if you're on vacation. New Year's Day has meeting around the clock, find one and go. Go now! Share your story and see what others say.
You came here because you know this is 7 kinds of fucked up.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 6:22 AM on January 1, 2015 [16 favorites]
I'm not entirely onboard with dumping your boyfriend yet, it depends on how solid the relationship is. The meth thing is beyond effed up but I don't know, maybe he was just completely drunk and did something reallyreallyreally stupid and panicked the next day about coming clean to you AND he was on meth so who knows what that did to his brain. This could be a massively effed up one-off, but you won't know unless you talk this through with him. So do that. If he's horrified and apologetic and you two are serious, I'd be inclined to give him a pass on this.
I can't speak to dealing with your dad except to say that for now, I'd take space and give myself time to think this through. But get your hands on your money via a lawyer asap.
Sorry this happened.
posted by kinetic at 6:48 AM on January 1, 2015 [3 favorites]
I can't speak to dealing with your dad except to say that for now, I'd take space and give myself time to think this through. But get your hands on your money via a lawyer asap.
Sorry this happened.
posted by kinetic at 6:48 AM on January 1, 2015 [3 favorites]
Yeah, way to bury the lede here. Your boyfriend is the more pressing problem. He not only did hard drugs and kept it from you, he forcibly took your phone so you wouldn't find out (for what, all of 10 minutes until you got your phone back and read your texts? So he's dumb as well), and only told you the truth after you already knew what happened?
Dude. This is your main problem. You can get a lawyer to get your inheritance from your dad, but you can't stop your boyfriend from introducing drugs and addiction back into your life and pissing that money away . . . Unless you break up with him and put a LOT of distance between you.
The same goes with your father, incidentally.
posted by chainsofreedom at 6:53 AM on January 1, 2015 [12 favorites]
Dude. This is your main problem. You can get a lawyer to get your inheritance from your dad, but you can't stop your boyfriend from introducing drugs and addiction back into your life and pissing that money away . . . Unless you break up with him and put a LOT of distance between you.
The same goes with your father, incidentally.
posted by chainsofreedom at 6:53 AM on January 1, 2015 [12 favorites]
I'd like to give the boyfriend a bit of sympathy here: I'm guessing he's young and may not have much experience with things like addiction. It sounds like he was somewhat weirded out by things and was looking for help processing events. I don't find it hard to believe that he knew that he needed to tell his girlfriend - but also he wanted to think about the best way to break it to her. And then events pulled things out of his control.
My major concern is that the father - who apparently has addiction problems - has control of money that belongs to the daughter. This is almost always a bad thing.
posted by doctor tough love at 8:27 AM on January 1, 2015 [4 favorites]
My major concern is that the father - who apparently has addiction problems - has control of money that belongs to the daughter. This is almost always a bad thing.
posted by doctor tough love at 8:27 AM on January 1, 2015 [4 favorites]
I'm agreeing with most everything everyone says, and I think feets lays out what you should do very well:
--Postpone conflict by either postponing seeing my dad, or by faking my way through Friday
--Find wise emotional support for myself (therapist, family friend, Al-Anon etc).
--Start the process of getting the inheritance moved into my possession
--Once that's done, seek allies in doing an intervention on my dad (family friends, fiance?, etc)
--And if he doesn't want to go to rehab, cut communication with him until/unless he does.
Except, as kinetic says, I would not dump the boyfriend immediately. I will quote what kinetic says because I agree with this:
I'm not entirely onboard with dumping your boyfriend yet, it depends on how solid the relationship is. The meth thing is beyond effed up but I don't know, maybe he was just completely drunk and did something reallyreallyreally stupid and panicked the next day about coming clean to you AND he was on meth so who knows what that did to his brain. This could be a massively effed up one-off, but you won't know unless you talk this through with him. So do that. If he's horrified and apologetic and you two are serious, I'd be inclined to give him a pass on this. (and gudrun adds, he gets one pass only on this, i.e. he is on probation and knows it.)
posted by gudrun at 8:28 AM on January 1, 2015
--Postpone conflict by either postponing seeing my dad, or by faking my way through Friday
--Find wise emotional support for myself (therapist, family friend, Al-Anon etc).
--Start the process of getting the inheritance moved into my possession
--Once that's done, seek allies in doing an intervention on my dad (family friends, fiance?, etc)
--And if he doesn't want to go to rehab, cut communication with him until/unless he does.
Except, as kinetic says, I would not dump the boyfriend immediately. I will quote what kinetic says because I agree with this:
I'm not entirely onboard with dumping your boyfriend yet, it depends on how solid the relationship is. The meth thing is beyond effed up but I don't know, maybe he was just completely drunk and did something reallyreallyreally stupid and panicked the next day about coming clean to you AND he was on meth so who knows what that did to his brain. This could be a massively effed up one-off, but you won't know unless you talk this through with him. So do that. If he's horrified and apologetic and you two are serious, I'd be inclined to give him a pass on this. (and gudrun adds, he gets one pass only on this, i.e. he is on probation and knows it.)
posted by gudrun at 8:28 AM on January 1, 2015
I don't really know why people are telling you not to go back there on Friday. You don't have to shun people you love because they are users or addicts. You're also allowed to discuss it or not discuss it, as you prefer; there is no law that says you have to confront your dad about this, stage an intervention or cut him out of your life unless he's sober. You are not responsible for all of these people.
You are, however, responsible for taking care of yourself. Work with a lawyer to get control of the money that is yours. On the boyfriend front, I personally would have two asses in the seat of a couple's therapist with experience in addiction as soon as humanly possible because I'd feel like this entire clusterfuck was way above my pay grade.
posted by DarlingBri at 9:18 AM on January 1, 2015 [5 favorites]
You are, however, responsible for taking care of yourself. Work with a lawyer to get control of the money that is yours. On the boyfriend front, I personally would have two asses in the seat of a couple's therapist with experience in addiction as soon as humanly possible because I'd feel like this entire clusterfuck was way above my pay grade.
posted by DarlingBri at 9:18 AM on January 1, 2015 [5 favorites]
I'm not going to say that you need to cut your dad, or your boyfriend out of your life. I don't know enough about the situation to advise you on that, except that you and the boyfriend need to sit down and have a very serious conversation. But, as people have said above, you need to get your money away from your dad, as soon as possible.
A while back I was dating an ex-meth addict. When she slipped up, I turned to another former addict friend of ours for advice. His advice to me: run like hell. Because meth addicts will lie to you and manipulate you and you cannot trust them. It doesn't mean that you can't love then, it doesn't mean that they are terrible people, but you cannot trust an addict to look out for your interests, even if they want to, the addiction will almost always win out. Take care of yourself first, then figure out what you can do for other people.
posted by ELind at 10:42 AM on January 1, 2015 [1 favorite]
A while back I was dating an ex-meth addict. When she slipped up, I turned to another former addict friend of ours for advice. His advice to me: run like hell. Because meth addicts will lie to you and manipulate you and you cannot trust them. It doesn't mean that you can't love then, it doesn't mean that they are terrible people, but you cannot trust an addict to look out for your interests, even if they want to, the addiction will almost always win out. Take care of yourself first, then figure out what you can do for other people.
posted by ELind at 10:42 AM on January 1, 2015 [1 favorite]
Do you have access to the account where your money is kept? Have you looked at it lately? Have you pulled your credit reports?
If you do nothing else, pull your credit reports to see if any accounts have been opened in your name. If not, put holds on all credit reports to prevent anyone from opening new accounts. If your dad has your money, the assumption is that he has your SSN.
You have a lot on your plate right now, but don't be naive anymore. An addict has access to your money.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 12:20 PM on January 1, 2015 [10 favorites]
If you do nothing else, pull your credit reports to see if any accounts have been opened in your name. If not, put holds on all credit reports to prevent anyone from opening new accounts. If your dad has your money, the assumption is that he has your SSN.
You have a lot on your plate right now, but don't be naive anymore. An addict has access to your money.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 12:20 PM on January 1, 2015 [10 favorites]
I truly do not mean this as an insult, but to use a word you used to describe yourself, this all sounds incredibly naive, so you should be proud you're finally facing up to it.
Relapse in addicts is so common that it's actually considered a part of the recovery process. So even if your father experiences a period of sobriety, you cannot EVER consider him "cured" and sadly, you cannot be so surprised and unmoored if you discover he's off the wagon again.
I am going to rephrase the thing I think you actually ought to be shocked about: your boyfriend does meth and lies about it. And you believe him.
The money issue is messy, but honestly, if you can't get that situation together via lawyers or a frank, unemotional, strictly-business discussion with your father, you are FAR better off without that money than you are being dependent upon an addict, who will break your heart and bankrupt you over and over if you let him.
posted by kapers at 3:14 PM on January 1, 2015 [1 favorite]
Relapse in addicts is so common that it's actually considered a part of the recovery process. So even if your father experiences a period of sobriety, you cannot EVER consider him "cured" and sadly, you cannot be so surprised and unmoored if you discover he's off the wagon again.
I am going to rephrase the thing I think you actually ought to be shocked about: your boyfriend does meth and lies about it. And you believe him.
The money issue is messy, but honestly, if you can't get that situation together via lawyers or a frank, unemotional, strictly-business discussion with your father, you are FAR better off without that money than you are being dependent upon an addict, who will break your heart and bankrupt you over and over if you let him.
posted by kapers at 3:14 PM on January 1, 2015 [1 favorite]
From your post, I can't tell what kind of resolution you are looking for. What is the best possible outcome here for you? Knowing that will help you figure out how to proceed.
Were I you, I would want my dad to know that offering my boyfriend meth was not okay. Likewise, I would want my boyfriend to know that doing meth with my father was not okay. I would tell them this, alone, and without invoking further discussion. If possible, I would stay somewhere neutral, and not your dad's house. And I would really consider your motives re: telling your father's girlfriend. IMHO, telling her for punitive reasons is not okay.
If the money is yours, get it. Is there a reason that you haven't done so yet?
Overall this sounds like a lot of drama, and you sound pretty passive in regards to your role in it. How did you "notice" your boyfriend's sent text? Why did his best friend call you?
In the long run I think you need to figure out how you want people to treat you, and don't accept less. Figure out your role in this drama and do what you can to end it. This doesn't mean you have to cut off your father or your boyfriend.
posted by lyssabee at 3:30 PM on January 1, 2015 [1 favorite]
Were I you, I would want my dad to know that offering my boyfriend meth was not okay. Likewise, I would want my boyfriend to know that doing meth with my father was not okay. I would tell them this, alone, and without invoking further discussion. If possible, I would stay somewhere neutral, and not your dad's house. And I would really consider your motives re: telling your father's girlfriend. IMHO, telling her for punitive reasons is not okay.
If the money is yours, get it. Is there a reason that you haven't done so yet?
Overall this sounds like a lot of drama, and you sound pretty passive in regards to your role in it. How did you "notice" your boyfriend's sent text? Why did his best friend call you?
In the long run I think you need to figure out how you want people to treat you, and don't accept less. Figure out your role in this drama and do what you can to end it. This doesn't mean you have to cut off your father or your boyfriend.
posted by lyssabee at 3:30 PM on January 1, 2015 [1 favorite]
He also told me he kept it from me to protect me.
From protecting yourself.
posted by oceanjesse at 3:40 PM on January 1, 2015 [17 favorites]
From protecting yourself.
posted by oceanjesse at 3:40 PM on January 1, 2015 [17 favorites]
I don't know what to say about your dad. That's the type of family situation you either just go "yes, i'm hitched to this wagon, i'm going to just sail right through this drama storm knowing i will probably never find the shore" or divorce yourself from. There's really usually not much of a middle ground. You accept it's going to be a shitstorm, probably forever, and that any calm seas are a false peace you can't get too comfortable in... or you cut back to a very limited or not amount of contact.
But what really caught my eye, that you sort of mentioned as an aside, is the boyfriend thing.
Personally, and this is just me, i don't think that your boyfriend doing the drugs is the bad part. it's all the lying and shitty shell game crap afterwards to try and manage your reaction and control you. that's like, some half assed gone girl level stupid shit.
If he had done it, and then later admitted it or even gone "i don't want to talk about it" either of those situations would be less crappy. this weird lying, telling his friend not to tell you, grabbing your phone crap is total diaper baby behavior. It's evil, but it's like... the shitty cartoon villain that always has his plans foiled scooby doo kind of evil, the pathetic kind.
In general, i'm sympathetic to people getting drunk and making shitty decisions, but my sympathy really only reaches as far as people who are willing to own it afterwards and, i guess at least try and make it right.
It's actually such a weird non sequitur outside-context-problem reaction that i really think people have a good point above wrt what else is he lying to you about. Because yea, that is addict behavior. Even if he's actually never done meth before, how he handled it in the fallout was absolute addict shit. And not even just addict, but manipulative addict. He doesn't have to be any good at it for it to be that. There's addicts who just go "yea, i did fuckedupthing, what of it?" and there's the ones who try and manipulate shit around like this.
I'm really burned out on letting people like that be in my life, even as like friends of friends. If i had to make a captains chair instant action decision on this one i'd say ditch the boyfriend, and keep dad. Your dad is your dad. I'm not one of those FAMILY4EVER people, but i think you either just have to accept that there will be drama and addict shit, or walk. And at this point i think it's totally reasonable to go have a "hey, what the fuck" discussion.
The boyfriend though? fuck that shit. That manipulator crap is one of the most solid reasons for an instance dump and no contact i've heard in a long time. I'd put it up there with "my boyfriend got super drunk with my dad and punched me in the face like 3 times" as far as legitimate reasons go.
I'd thank your dad for letting you know your boyfriend sucks though. Seriously. It's like lending someone $50 and having them start avoiding you. It was a really cheap way to find out that guy is a total flaccid dong and not worth shit. No one got physically hurt, no ones out anything. He just acted like shit and now you know what he's about.
Oh and as for the money thing, yea, get it. I bet a lot of it is gone though. Like even more than you're imagining. I've been in a similar spot with that one with relation to an addict parent and money that was mine.
posted by emptythought at 3:59 AM on January 2, 2015 [6 favorites]
But what really caught my eye, that you sort of mentioned as an aside, is the boyfriend thing.
Personally, and this is just me, i don't think that your boyfriend doing the drugs is the bad part. it's all the lying and shitty shell game crap afterwards to try and manage your reaction and control you. that's like, some half assed gone girl level stupid shit.
If he had done it, and then later admitted it or even gone "i don't want to talk about it" either of those situations would be less crappy. this weird lying, telling his friend not to tell you, grabbing your phone crap is total diaper baby behavior. It's evil, but it's like... the shitty cartoon villain that always has his plans foiled scooby doo kind of evil, the pathetic kind.
In general, i'm sympathetic to people getting drunk and making shitty decisions, but my sympathy really only reaches as far as people who are willing to own it afterwards and, i guess at least try and make it right.
It's actually such a weird non sequitur outside-context-problem reaction that i really think people have a good point above wrt what else is he lying to you about. Because yea, that is addict behavior. Even if he's actually never done meth before, how he handled it in the fallout was absolute addict shit. And not even just addict, but manipulative addict. He doesn't have to be any good at it for it to be that. There's addicts who just go "yea, i did fuckedupthing, what of it?" and there's the ones who try and manipulate shit around like this.
I'm really burned out on letting people like that be in my life, even as like friends of friends. If i had to make a captains chair instant action decision on this one i'd say ditch the boyfriend, and keep dad. Your dad is your dad. I'm not one of those FAMILY4EVER people, but i think you either just have to accept that there will be drama and addict shit, or walk. And at this point i think it's totally reasonable to go have a "hey, what the fuck" discussion.
The boyfriend though? fuck that shit. That manipulator crap is one of the most solid reasons for an instance dump and no contact i've heard in a long time. I'd put it up there with "my boyfriend got super drunk with my dad and punched me in the face like 3 times" as far as legitimate reasons go.
I'd thank your dad for letting you know your boyfriend sucks though. Seriously. It's like lending someone $50 and having them start avoiding you. It was a really cheap way to find out that guy is a total flaccid dong and not worth shit. No one got physically hurt, no ones out anything. He just acted like shit and now you know what he's about.
Oh and as for the money thing, yea, get it. I bet a lot of it is gone though. Like even more than you're imagining. I've been in a similar spot with that one with relation to an addict parent and money that was mine.
posted by emptythought at 3:59 AM on January 2, 2015 [6 favorites]
Nthing the advice to get a lawyer, get your money, and then run like hell from your boyfriend and your dad. Your boyfriend's excuse that he only did the meth because he felt like he had to (which, what?! Seriously?) is just that, an excuse. And telling you he was keeping it from you "to protect you" really means "I was hoping you wouldn't find out, so I'm furiously trying to cover my ass now."
posted by sarcasticah at 8:54 AM on January 2, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by sarcasticah at 8:54 AM on January 2, 2015 [2 favorites]
Without more background, I wouldn't know what to tell you as far as confronting your dad. Was he abusive before rehab? If things were really bad, I'd cut off contact and never look back. If he was just a sad sack deadbeat, I'd consider telling him you know about the meth and asking him if his fiancée knows or if he plans to tell her, and maybe maintaining contact/support, but at arm's length.
As far as the money goes, again, depending on the kind of person your dad is you could either ask him outright to turn it over to you or maybe you need to lawyer up. Unless your name is on the accounts, in which case, pull everything out, like, yesterday.
That said, I really stopped giving a crap what your dad's been snorting when I got to the part of the question where the boyfriend snatched the phone out of your hand. Considering that bit of controlling-you-via-physical-overpowering shittiness went hand in hand with lying, secret-keeping, and not having the stones to refrain from doing a line of meth with your recovering-addict dad, I would like to add my name to the column of answers who feel you should terminate this relationship ASAP, cause he just handed you a fistful of the reddest red flags imaginable.
posted by prize bull octorok at 9:55 AM on January 2, 2015 [6 favorites]
As far as the money goes, again, depending on the kind of person your dad is you could either ask him outright to turn it over to you or maybe you need to lawyer up. Unless your name is on the accounts, in which case, pull everything out, like, yesterday.
That said, I really stopped giving a crap what your dad's been snorting when I got to the part of the question where the boyfriend snatched the phone out of your hand. Considering that bit of controlling-you-via-physical-overpowering shittiness went hand in hand with lying, secret-keeping, and not having the stones to refrain from doing a line of meth with your recovering-addict dad, I would like to add my name to the column of answers who feel you should terminate this relationship ASAP, cause he just handed you a fistful of the reddest red flags imaginable.
posted by prize bull octorok at 9:55 AM on January 2, 2015 [6 favorites]
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