“I think your father has a girlfriend” + mom's mental health issues.

December 31, 2014 11:37 PM

My mom casually mentioned that she thinks my father had a girlfriend last night and then changed the subject to the turkey I am cooking this evening. Leaving me staring into the refrigerator at the turkey and speechless. My mom suffers from normally well controlled bipolar disorder and I have had concerns that some age related mental disorder may be beginning to affect her as well. I’m really unsure where to go and what to do with this situation. Thoughts Mefites?

I am an adult, temporarily staying with his parents and who works with his father and brother in the family business. The family is mildly dysfunctional; mostly in the denial of problems way and difficulties with relationships and frequent little tiffs amongst each other.

My parent’s relationship is “meh” at best. They get along fine and do a few activities together but mostly my father spends his time reading and watching videos on his IPad about The New Age, UFOs and other conspiracies. If she should be jealous of anybody, it is David Icke and Art Bell. I think she has been feeling ignored for some time. My brother and I think it’s not exactly cool the way he’s always tuned out leaving her feeling disregarded. I don’t believe he does it on purpose. He’s found an interest and I think he’s clueless about how my mom feels. The strangeness of his interest makes it even harder for her to understand.

My mom has had three serious bipolar episodes of both the manic and depressive sort since I was a small child and each time it was brought under control by tweaks to her medication. The age related issues that I and others have seen is manifest most in the kitchen. Her kitchen hygiene is getting really bad and her cooking has gone from good to terrible. Food is left out all night. Spaghetti sauce spilled and left on the counter. Food highly overcooked or undercooked. She will mix completely unrelated things like gravy with chimichurri sauce. She also has started asking the same questions over and over. She will ask if you want ice cream and when you say no, she brings it anyway. She is also asking and answering weird but trivial questions about things. I’ll be leaving the house and she will say, “You are going to the Mexican restaurant?” or, “You are not feeling well?” I don’t know what leaves her to come up with these ideas. She asks these things without any real reason to do so which means my father’s theoretical girlfriend could be another off base assumption. I believe there have been fidelity issues in the past from him and maybe even her.

She has made comments about an affair before because my father has a monthly lunch with a woman we work with who happens to be into the new age as well. This woman is really the only person my father can relate to and discuss his beliefs with as everybody else thinks his beliefs are quite strange.

So far I have not seen any other sign of a bipolar episode and I plan to carefully watch for any. There have been no personality changes or major signs of an age related cognitive disorder as of yet.

Whether an affair is exists or not, I know that it is none of my business, yet she has already made it so. I’m thinking I can ignore her comment, tell her she needs to work it out with my dad on her own, or talk to her sister about it. As her child I am not the appropriate person to go to with this info. If it turns out to be true, I can try to remain impartial and will be upset with and disappointed in my father and definitely disappointed and will have to remain working with him on a daily basis.

So I’m a little confused about the whole thing with all the ifs and buts so this question may be somewhat vague or all over the place. I’m writing this on my way out the door to work so I apologize if it’s not the most organized post.

Thanks all!

posted by anonymous to Human Relations (19 answers total)

I think you should talk to your father about her health (not her comment specifically) to see if he has observed anything; it is rather odd that you didn't think that was even an option. And talk to her directly, tell her you are concerned and ask how you can help.
posted by saucysault at 11:56 PM on December 31, 2014 [10 favorites]

Your mum sounds like she is in a depressive episode or having cognitive issues. Get her to a doctor before any of the rest of it. Don't minimise her concerns though. They may be founded. But her health is clearly not great. Perhaps phrase it as just having a checkup as you love her and worry about her health. Maybe talk about her physical health more because it could actually be that.

(Also...why is your mum doing all the cooking and cleaning when there are other adults in the house? )
posted by taff at 11:58 PM on December 31, 2014 [24 favorites]

The food hygiene issues and the forgetfulness would worry me enough to get your mom to a doctor right away. For both my grandparents who suffered with Alzheimer's (IANAD, not saying your mom is ill, just saying), those were among the first symptoms we really noticed, and when we thought about it, the decline had been going on for much longer. Try to get your dad on board or figure out a way to get her to a doctor with you there. You'll work something out.

The 'your dad has a girlfriend' comment is something I would just chalk up to her general weirdness. If it's true, it's none of your business and chances are it's not true given the other things you've said. Either way, you can take that off your list of things to deal with.
posted by yogalemon at 12:26 AM on January 1, 2015 [5 favorites]

Whether an affair is exists or not, I know that it is none of my business, yet she has already made it so. I’m thinking I can ignore her comment, tell her she needs to work it out with my dad on her own, or talk to her sister about it. As her child I am not the appropriate person to go to with this info

I respectfully disagree with the attitude behind these statements. She is your mother and you are no longer a child, so if she wants to bring up these worries up with you it's totally appropriate for her to do so. Families are supposed to feel comfortable reaching out to one another with their concerns (ideally). I find it wrong to assume that once a child becomes an adult the parent still needs to shelter them from all their worries. If I had a healthy relationship with my parents growing up I would've been more than ok with either of them coming to me as an adult with a problem that was bothering them and would hope to at least be able to make them feel a little better. Especially if they were there for me when I had worries of monsters under my bed when I was young. You seem to be implying that you should as her offspring still be sheltered from issues like these and that your mother should deal with the burden alone rather than reach out to her now adult family members.

However seeing as how she is having these mental episodes I wouldn't pay too much mind to her statement right now. I would get her to the doctor's office asap. Even if the affair is real and even if she is asking for your help to cope with that, there's no help discussing it if she's not even able to have a coherent conversation some moments- which seems to be the case right now.
posted by rancher at 12:38 AM on January 1, 2015 [9 favorites]

I'm a fairly blunt person when it comes to family, so:

"Mom, I've noticed you've been a bit forgetful lately, both about stuff we're talking about and in the kitchen. Have you noticed that yourself? How about a checkup? I'd like to get you in to see Doctor X."

"Dad, have you noticed anything unusual about mom lately? I'm finding her to be unusually absent-minded."

I think it's important to get your mom checked out. As for your father's girlfriend, I personally would want to talk about that with my mom (whether it was a reasonable suspicion or a suspicion borne of mental decline), but I have that kind of intimate relationship with my mom. It sounds like maybe you prefer some distance, but that your mom might need someone to talk with. So if it turns out that your mom's cognitive stuff checks out clean, how about trying to get her together with some of her close friends? i.e.

"Hey 'Auntie' Cecelia, long time no see! I was wondering if you'd like to come over for tea and cake next week. Are you free Wednesday? I know Mom would love to see you."
posted by feets at 1:57 AM on January 1, 2015 [2 favorites]

I agree with feets that "bluntness" (I'd call it directness) is the way to go. I get the sense that that kind of directness is really hard for the OP and his family, that they've all learned to try and ignore things and talk around them. But I think the two examples feets posted are good ways to phrase these issues, clear without being confrontational.

it is rather odd that you didn't think that was even an option

Again, this sounds like a family that doesn't confront difficult subjects, so it's not so surprising to me that the OP wouldn't think of raising this with his father. It's probably also why the OP's mother is still doing the cooking. Nobody wants to talk about it, so they're trying to just ignore it. They've probably had years and years to get used to not talking about things, and it's become second nature.
posted by Ursula Hitler at 3:17 AM on January 1, 2015 [4 favorites]

Your mum certainly needs to see a doctor. As some people can be a bit strange/defensive/scared/recalcitrant/etc. when they're "told" to go the the doctor, one option is to visit the doctor first and have the GP office call your mother and schedule a routine check-up. That way, you don't have to unduly alarm your mum about what her family thinks of her mental state, and the doctor knows what to expect when she comes in. You've already noted that her previous episodes were managed with medication. There's every chance that she will improve with further "tweaks".
posted by kisch mokusch at 3:23 AM on January 1, 2015 [1 favorite]

She needs a medical assessment!

" There have been no personality changes or major signs of an age related cognitive disorder as of yet."

Yes! Yes there have been major changes in her cognitive abilities!!

In the kitchen, she's close to leaving on a burner accidentally and starting a fire. Her conversation is waaaaay "off" - she's not linear.

Doctor's office. Stat.
posted by jbenben at 3:44 AM on January 1, 2015 [37 favorites]

I'm not trying to scare you, OP, but as I read your question I instantly, immediately, without Passing Go thought your mom needs to get medical attention, right away.
posted by Punctual at 4:42 AM on January 1, 2015 [15 favorites]

Gosh, this isn't a Human Relations question, it's a Medical question. Your Mom needs a deep and serious assessment by a doctor, a gerontologist specifically. This doesn't sound like mental illness, it sounds like a cognitive issue, and the sooner it's diagnosed, the better the outcome.

People with mental illness can also be physically ill, please make an appointment sooner rather than later, and go with your Mom to advocate for her. Write down your concerns and share them with the doctor. Take notes at the appointment.

Your Dad sounds checked out, tell him of your concerns and get him involved.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 6:01 AM on January 1, 2015 [4 favorites]

(Also...why is your mum doing all the cooking and cleaning when there are other adults in the house? )

The anonymous OP starts the question talking about the turkey he himself is cooking while the mom chats with him. I don't think the mom's issues stem from her being stuck with all the work; even if she is a traditional wife and mother and does most of it, she certainly may want to be doing that. THe point is that her own cooking and cleaning habits have changed and become much less capable and organized, which is concerning.

I agree she needs to be seen by a doctor, and the doctor should probably be told, out of her earshot, some of the symptoms like repeating questions and showing a breakdown of formerly efficient skills.
posted by third rail at 6:20 AM on January 1, 2015 [2 favorites]

I have had family members with bipolar and this is more like dementia. Get her in to a doctor ASAP, it could also be B12 deficiency, or dehydration, medication toxicity (who gives her her meds? Or do you trust her to take them on her own? If she is having cognitive issues, someone should be putting them in a pill box and making sure she takes them at the right time of day and doesn't take too many or forget doses, which can cause weird symptoms). Sometimes a bladder infection can cause mental issues in older people, so make sure she gets a full physical work up.
posted by Marie Mon Dieu at 7:53 AM on January 1, 2015 [9 favorites]

Doctor. Stat. Preferably a neurologist. 10 warning signs of possible dementia (PDF).

For the record, your mom might not have dementia at all; it's very possible that she is deeply depressed - my dad's neurologist referred to depression as "pseudo-dementia," saying that she recommended that any older person showing signs of dementia be screened for depression, since the latter can mimic dementia. Or maybe she's in serious pain. But only a doctor can find out for sure, and she needs to see one right away.

As far as confiding in adult children is concerned: I think that parents can and should think of adult children as confidantes as well as their kids, but here is where I draw the line: don't tell your kids anything they would have to keep secret from their other parent (aside from "good" secrets like surprise parties!), and don't tell them things that might compel them to choose sides with one parent or the other. Assume that your adult child feels love and loyalty to both parents, and don't put them in the position of having to pick sides. I think an affair falls into this category, so, IMO, talking about your extramarital affair (or your spouse's) to your adult child is a no-no. Of course, we don't know if your dad really did have an affair or if your mom is seeing things that aren't there.
posted by Rosie M. Banks at 7:53 AM on January 1, 2015 [3 favorites]

The kitchen issues remind me of my mother's struggle with macular degeneration. She had always been extremely neat, but as she slowly lost her vision, she couldn't see dirty spots or that stove burners were still on or that all the water in the kettle had evaporated. You might also want to get her to an ophthalmologist to at least eliminate that as a concern.
posted by path at 9:58 AM on January 1, 2015

To temper some of the talk about dementia...it could also be something as simple as a urinary track infection- don't freak out yet. In older people a UTI can present as confusion with no other symptoms. *Please* get her to a doctor. They can get serious if left untreated.
posted by taff at 10:49 AM on January 1, 2015 [1 favorite]

Yes, doctor visit ASAP for a checkup. Could be a number of things, but there's definitely something going on. My dad's dementia started out similarly. Only Mom noticed it at first, but eventually we adult kids started seeing what she had been noticing in private.
posted by summerstorm at 11:25 AM on January 1, 2015

An untreated urinary tract infection is still damned serious and should have immediate medical attention.
posted by Devoidoid at 5:41 PM on January 1, 2015 [1 favorite]

Oh, to be sure they get serious and can be hard for lay people to spot. But once treatment for a urinary tract infection has started, the cognitive improvement can be quite miraculous. Left untreated for a long time, as with any infection, can lead to dire consequences. But once antibiotics are started, if it is the cause, is almost trivial to manage.

It is certainly not a trivial illness though.
posted by taff at 11:38 PM on January 1, 2015

I just want to address the weird "out of the blue" statement. That was common, in my experience, but it was due to "bleed through" issues in the bipolar medication issues. Such as, cutting pills in half to save money, or skipping dosages. It is very important to make sure that she is taking her dosages on time and at the right time of day. The other complication(s) could be: taking other meds, such as diabetes pills, blood pressure pills, etc. in conjunction with the neuro meds that they typically give for bipolar. In my relative's case, a change in one cause kidney problems, and also mental confusion.

There were two doctors involved, the psych doctor and the GP doctor, and the pharmacy didn't catch that these other meds interacted with each other, so she got confused and was generally not herself, but it got very severe because people around her waited and then it got into a kidney emergency.

So when I say "medication toxicity," I mean, too much or too little of one thing, or an interaction, because bipolar meds can really be toxic if she took two doses (forgetting she had taken the first), and so it's really a serious issue of someone has to look after her, not just a personality change. You really, really, really want to get her into a doctor to be seen, sooner than later. Your Dad may be escaping, that's his way, but if you've observed these things in her, please get her looked at and ignore that random outburst. It really has nothing to do with you, and may have everything to do with her health.
posted by Marie Mon Dieu at 6:11 PM on January 2, 2015