Do I put myself on hold to honor my parents wishes?
December 25, 2014 7:09 PM Subscribe
I have a great guy and we see a life together, I have the perfect opportunity to move closer to him and growing my career at the same time- however the parents are not cool with it all. Details below.
The boyfriend and I have been together for a lil over two years. We met in school and were friends first which turned into a romantic relationship. From the very beginning we knew we're getting tangled into a mess as our parents would never accept our relationship because of religious differences. However, we decided to continue on- partly because we thought we won't last too long.
Lo and behold, we're still together and very happy with each other. We went through ups and downs- me being unemployed and crabby for a number of months, me finding a job cross country and us doing the whole long distance thing (very hard but worth it), him trying to figure out his career and educational path, me dealing with my helicopter parents and bringing the stress back to us, many things, but he's always been my rock as I have been his. We compliment each other very well. We love each other and want to move to the next stage in our relationship.
I have just been offered a job in the same town as him (where I used to live previously too)- in the field I've been wanting to enter with great pay and benefits. Th organization and field is something I've been trying to get into for the past year or so. I've done countless interviews (sometimes for the sake of being back in the city) but with no luck. Now is my chance!
Of course nothing goes as smoothly as you want. My parents, who recently became aware of our relationship, are pretending like nothing is happening. They don't want me to be considering my boyfriend and tell me to move on- setting me up with more "suitable" guys. They pretend we've broken up when clearly we haven't. I told them about the job opportunity and they were happy I got the job but forbid me to move and take up the job as they see it as a poor career choice since they think the city is not the place to grow (they've never lived in this city btw) (they want me to move back home too btw). More importantly, they think I'd move closer to my boyfriend and everything will be "revived". They've threatened me that they'll pack up and move to this new city with me too, they're get some sort of horrible disease from the stress I'm causing them, I'll damage their reputation, they'll disown me. Their basic go-to line is that they told me from when I was young that a relationship with someone outside they religion is not allowed- which, yes, I agree I broke the rule knowing the rule.
I also know if I don't take this job offer I'll regret it. I dislike the place I live right now, I have a very small social circle, my job is okay but not in the field I'm passionate about. I'll look back and wonder 'what if'. I don't feel like trying to convince my parents to agree with my decisions.I really hate to make them angry or disappoint them but I'm tired and frustrated with them. I tried talking to them about it few days ago but it was argued about and pushed under the rug, pretending like the option doesn't exist. I need to make this decision tonight but feeling cloudy due to my parents disapproval.
Sometimes asking complete strangers helps. Please any advice or insight would mean a lot.
The boyfriend and I have been together for a lil over two years. We met in school and were friends first which turned into a romantic relationship. From the very beginning we knew we're getting tangled into a mess as our parents would never accept our relationship because of religious differences. However, we decided to continue on- partly because we thought we won't last too long.
Lo and behold, we're still together and very happy with each other. We went through ups and downs- me being unemployed and crabby for a number of months, me finding a job cross country and us doing the whole long distance thing (very hard but worth it), him trying to figure out his career and educational path, me dealing with my helicopter parents and bringing the stress back to us, many things, but he's always been my rock as I have been his. We compliment each other very well. We love each other and want to move to the next stage in our relationship.
I have just been offered a job in the same town as him (where I used to live previously too)- in the field I've been wanting to enter with great pay and benefits. Th organization and field is something I've been trying to get into for the past year or so. I've done countless interviews (sometimes for the sake of being back in the city) but with no luck. Now is my chance!
Of course nothing goes as smoothly as you want. My parents, who recently became aware of our relationship, are pretending like nothing is happening. They don't want me to be considering my boyfriend and tell me to move on- setting me up with more "suitable" guys. They pretend we've broken up when clearly we haven't. I told them about the job opportunity and they were happy I got the job but forbid me to move and take up the job as they see it as a poor career choice since they think the city is not the place to grow (they've never lived in this city btw) (they want me to move back home too btw). More importantly, they think I'd move closer to my boyfriend and everything will be "revived". They've threatened me that they'll pack up and move to this new city with me too, they're get some sort of horrible disease from the stress I'm causing them, I'll damage their reputation, they'll disown me. Their basic go-to line is that they told me from when I was young that a relationship with someone outside they religion is not allowed- which, yes, I agree I broke the rule knowing the rule.
I also know if I don't take this job offer I'll regret it. I dislike the place I live right now, I have a very small social circle, my job is okay but not in the field I'm passionate about. I'll look back and wonder 'what if'. I don't feel like trying to convince my parents to agree with my decisions.I really hate to make them angry or disappoint them but I'm tired and frustrated with them. I tried talking to them about it few days ago but it was argued about and pushed under the rug, pretending like the option doesn't exist. I need to make this decision tonight but feeling cloudy due to my parents disapproval.
Sometimes asking complete strangers helps. Please any advice or insight would mean a lot.
"I also know if I don't take this job offer I'll regret it." That's all you need to say to your parents. It sounds as if you have a great relationship with your boyfriend, and you want to move forward, and your religious differences are a sticking point with your parents. That can be very tricky to negotiate. But what you can tell your parents now is simply that you've got a great job offer that will advance your career, and you'd be shooting yourself in the foot not to take it.
For us random Internet strangers to give more useful advice, it would help to know your religious backgrounds and differences, but if you're living in a western, secular society, framing your choice in terms of career options is the best way to take the wind out of the sails of any objections.
posted by brianogilvie at 7:17 PM on December 25, 2014 [2 favorites]
For us random Internet strangers to give more useful advice, it would help to know your religious backgrounds and differences, but if you're living in a western, secular society, framing your choice in terms of career options is the best way to take the wind out of the sails of any objections.
posted by brianogilvie at 7:17 PM on December 25, 2014 [2 favorites]
Take the job.
posted by Narrative Priorities at 7:17 PM on December 25, 2014 [11 favorites]
posted by Narrative Priorities at 7:17 PM on December 25, 2014 [11 favorites]
Live *your* life, not your parents'. They don't treat you like an adult, you don't have to respect their bullshit. Sounds like they don't even know you at all; why on earth would you live their imaginary life?
Fuck it. Move. They'll get over it, or they won't; either way it's on them.
Take it from this seething ball of regret.
posted by notsnot at 7:18 PM on December 25, 2014 [46 favorites]
Fuck it. Move. They'll get over it, or they won't; either way it's on them.
Take it from this seething ball of regret.
posted by notsnot at 7:18 PM on December 25, 2014 [46 favorites]
If it helps to have the support and permission of strangers you have it. In spades. I'm often a little appalled by the casual ease with which people in AskMe suggest cutting off parental ties, but in your case, your parents, for all that I am sure they love you, need to learn some boundaries.
They've threatened me that they'll pack up and move to this new city with me too, they're get some sort of horrible disease from the stress I'm causing them, I'll damage their reputation, they'll disown me. Their basic go-to line is that they told me from when I was young that a relationship with someone outside they religion is not allowed- which, yes, I agree I broke the rule knowing the rule.
No. They should not get to rule your life by threatening to have a tantrum. If they can, it will never stop. I suggest you say "Mom, Dad, I will will always love and respect you. But I'm grown now and have to make my own choices. Baby birds all leave the nest some day. I'm saying goodbye, not asking for advice. I hope you you won't act foolishly in response, but you have to make your own choices as well. I'll get you my new address once I have it."
posted by tyllwin at 7:18 PM on December 25, 2014 [41 favorites]
They've threatened me that they'll pack up and move to this new city with me too, they're get some sort of horrible disease from the stress I'm causing them, I'll damage their reputation, they'll disown me. Their basic go-to line is that they told me from when I was young that a relationship with someone outside they religion is not allowed- which, yes, I agree I broke the rule knowing the rule.
No. They should not get to rule your life by threatening to have a tantrum. If they can, it will never stop. I suggest you say "Mom, Dad, I will will always love and respect you. But I'm grown now and have to make my own choices. Baby birds all leave the nest some day. I'm saying goodbye, not asking for advice. I hope you you won't act foolishly in response, but you have to make your own choices as well. I'll get you my new address once I have it."
posted by tyllwin at 7:18 PM on December 25, 2014 [41 favorites]
You're an adult. You need to do what makes you happy, which, in this case, is moving to the new city and being closer to your boyfriend. Please don't listen to your parents. They are being overly controlling.
posted by Lingasol at 7:19 PM on December 25, 2014 [2 favorites]
posted by Lingasol at 7:19 PM on December 25, 2014 [2 favorites]
Well, you aren't going to get everything you want here. You can openly defy your parents, and take the consequences, or you can give in and make the best of living along the lines your parents prefer.
You obviously love your parents and want their approval, but it also doesn't sound like you're going to be happy living the rest of your life according to their plans. You probably won't have a better reason to stand up to your parents than you do now. Make your move and take the heat, I think.
posted by mattu at 7:20 PM on December 25, 2014 [6 favorites]
You obviously love your parents and want their approval, but it also doesn't sound like you're going to be happy living the rest of your life according to their plans. You probably won't have a better reason to stand up to your parents than you do now. Make your move and take the heat, I think.
posted by mattu at 7:20 PM on December 25, 2014 [6 favorites]
Take the job!
posted by jbenben at 7:23 PM on December 25, 2014 [1 favorite]
posted by jbenben at 7:23 PM on December 25, 2014 [1 favorite]
My mom would say, "It's your life, you have to lead it".
posted by Rob Rockets at 7:24 PM on December 25, 2014 [3 favorites]
posted by Rob Rockets at 7:24 PM on December 25, 2014 [3 favorites]
I think many people will tell you that it's obvious just to go against your parents and take the job. But it's hard for many (secular, Western) people to understand the difficulty of being part of a strictly traditional family. I think the things I would ask myself, in your position, are:
-can I live with the ethical implications of defying my parents, according to my own values and morals (not theirs)?
-assuming the worst, that your parents really will disown you if you take this job, will you be happy giving up this job and your boyfriend to avoid that?
I think you probably feel ethically okay with dating your boyfriend and moving to be with him. Accommodating your parents' feelings is something different. You shouldn't have to do that. If you do give up this chance at the life you want, I would expect you will just end up resenting them. And the next time you meet a man or want to live in a place they don't approve of, they'll bully you into accommodating their feelings and ethics again. You won't avoid disappointing your parents in the long run by doing this, not if you have any impulse in the future to be independent.
posted by daisystomper at 7:27 PM on December 25, 2014 [36 favorites]
-can I live with the ethical implications of defying my parents, according to my own values and morals (not theirs)?
-assuming the worst, that your parents really will disown you if you take this job, will you be happy giving up this job and your boyfriend to avoid that?
I think you probably feel ethically okay with dating your boyfriend and moving to be with him. Accommodating your parents' feelings is something different. You shouldn't have to do that. If you do give up this chance at the life you want, I would expect you will just end up resenting them. And the next time you meet a man or want to live in a place they don't approve of, they'll bully you into accommodating their feelings and ethics again. You won't avoid disappointing your parents in the long run by doing this, not if you have any impulse in the future to be independent.
posted by daisystomper at 7:27 PM on December 25, 2014 [36 favorites]
Take the job, stay with the guy, tell the parents to get bent.
posted by Confess, Fletch at 7:40 PM on December 25, 2014 [2 favorites]
posted by Confess, Fletch at 7:40 PM on December 25, 2014 [2 favorites]
Do what you need to, they'll come around. Tell them it makes them look like pretty awful parents if they did disown you.
If they threaten to start fasting or whatever, you'll need a way to counter that.
posted by discopolo at 7:41 PM on December 25, 2014 [3 favorites]
If they threaten to start fasting or whatever, you'll need a way to counter that.
posted by discopolo at 7:41 PM on December 25, 2014 [3 favorites]
Hi,
never let someone else's dogma stifle your love, your faith or what you are being called to.
you feel conflict because you want to pursue something new while also maintaining respect and honor for all involved.
it's difficult, but you can follow your calling and leave your parents feeling love and respected.
they sound like manipulative guilt trippers... and I'm sure they are also good decent caring people as well. They are going to be fine and will have to grow and learn to accept your newfound happiness.
good luck, I am rooting for you.
posted by bobdow at 7:41 PM on December 25, 2014 [2 favorites]
never let someone else's dogma stifle your love, your faith or what you are being called to.
you feel conflict because you want to pursue something new while also maintaining respect and honor for all involved.
it's difficult, but you can follow your calling and leave your parents feeling love and respected.
they sound like manipulative guilt trippers... and I'm sure they are also good decent caring people as well. They are going to be fine and will have to grow and learn to accept your newfound happiness.
good luck, I am rooting for you.
posted by bobdow at 7:41 PM on December 25, 2014 [2 favorites]
Also, how committed is your boyfriend to you?
posted by discopolo at 7:42 PM on December 25, 2014 [3 favorites]
posted by discopolo at 7:42 PM on December 25, 2014 [3 favorites]
I will only echo the group above and say that it's your life, career, choices, and since you are supporting yourself, they have no say. They can take you as you are, it may take time for them to come around, or to hell with them.
posted by nickggully at 7:49 PM on December 25, 2014 [2 favorites]
posted by nickggully at 7:49 PM on December 25, 2014 [2 favorites]
It sounds like your parents' real objection is to the boyfriend more than the move, and they would probably get over you being in the city. If you think that's the case (and you also think the new job is a really good idea) then at least make the move. You can figure out independently whether your relationship is worth parental disapproval.
posted by value of information at 7:55 PM on December 25, 2014 [6 favorites]
posted by value of information at 7:55 PM on December 25, 2014 [6 favorites]
It's not like you're considering moving to be with him in some cult compound somewhere. You have a great job offer. That's a huge deal. Focus on that. Tell them "I'm moving for the job."
The boyfriend thing is a separate issue. Honestly, I am all for people living their own life and throwing off parental neuroses but religious differences CAN be very hard on a marriage so I wouldn't presume to advise on that without more details. But for this thing? Moving for an amazing job? Do it.
posted by fingersandtoes at 7:56 PM on December 25, 2014 [11 favorites]
The boyfriend thing is a separate issue. Honestly, I am all for people living their own life and throwing off parental neuroses but religious differences CAN be very hard on a marriage so I wouldn't presume to advise on that without more details. But for this thing? Moving for an amazing job? Do it.
posted by fingersandtoes at 7:56 PM on December 25, 2014 [11 favorites]
I come from a traditional culture as well, and even taking that into account: what your parents are asking of you is monstrous.
I learned way too late that 'rules' are a fake concept. You can't break a fake rule, no matter how much they try to convince you it is real. Simply: you did nothing wrong. Your parents can ask you to do things, and can posit that certain options are 'unthinkable.' But that is NEVER true. You are free to have your thoughts and make your own decisions. The only other path is where you are their mental prisoner, where everything they prefer for you becomes your new reality, and you are a hostage rather than an autonomous human. The whole thing about being an adult is that others' desires for you and expectations of you... are external to you. And you have to take responsibility for how you choose to engage with those desires and expectations. The default position should NOT be automatically capitulating to them, and believing there is not an option. That is not a life. Certainly not a life worth living. And it's really easy to lose a lot of years following the edicts of parents who are ultimately way more interested in how they look in the eyes of near-strangers, and in maintaining control, than in the actual wellbeing of their child. I wouldn't recommend that path to my worst enemy. Good luck, and for the love of life, take the job!
posted by thegreatfleecircus at 7:56 PM on December 25, 2014 [67 favorites]
I learned way too late that 'rules' are a fake concept. You can't break a fake rule, no matter how much they try to convince you it is real. Simply: you did nothing wrong. Your parents can ask you to do things, and can posit that certain options are 'unthinkable.' But that is NEVER true. You are free to have your thoughts and make your own decisions. The only other path is where you are their mental prisoner, where everything they prefer for you becomes your new reality, and you are a hostage rather than an autonomous human. The whole thing about being an adult is that others' desires for you and expectations of you... are external to you. And you have to take responsibility for how you choose to engage with those desires and expectations. The default position should NOT be automatically capitulating to them, and believing there is not an option. That is not a life. Certainly not a life worth living. And it's really easy to lose a lot of years following the edicts of parents who are ultimately way more interested in how they look in the eyes of near-strangers, and in maintaining control, than in the actual wellbeing of their child. I wouldn't recommend that path to my worst enemy. Good luck, and for the love of life, take the job!
posted by thegreatfleecircus at 7:56 PM on December 25, 2014 [67 favorites]
My son is dating a girl from another religion very seriously. They have tough decisions ahead of them as both families are very religious and we both want the other to convert. However the approach I've taken is that she is welcome in our house and lives and that I will not ask/require her to convert, only pray a lot and try to be the hospitable and loving family that will make her think oh hey, their religion ain't so bad. I would be sad for her sake of she never converted but it doesn't make her love for my son or who she is, the value of her, any less. Her family refuse to have my son in their house and pretend the relationship doesn't exist, and that's backfired in that she can't ask them for advice or plan her future with their guidance because they won't acknowl him. Maybe they'll change their minds but afaik they're hoping like your parents that they'll break up and they can get her married to a proper boyfriend. Didn't work for three of my relatives - except their husbands don't come for Christmas dinner. But the grandkids are adored and the partners grudgingly accepted in the end. (Irony is the biggest hold out is the one who went against his parents wishes back in the day...)
This is an age old story and if you and your boyfriend love and care for each other, if you make each other better people, then eventually your parents will come around because they love you. It may take years but if they raised you to make good choices, honor them by choosing good love over social reputation.
posted by viggorlijah at 8:05 PM on December 25, 2014 [23 favorites]
This is an age old story and if you and your boyfriend love and care for each other, if you make each other better people, then eventually your parents will come around because they love you. It may take years but if they raised you to make good choices, honor them by choosing good love over social reputation.
posted by viggorlijah at 8:05 PM on December 25, 2014 [23 favorites]
I had a similar circumstance --parents disapproving of a life choice to be near a boyfriend they did not approve of. All of my friends said do what is right for me and they will get over it. So I moved near said boyfriend.
My mother did not speak to me for 10 months. That was 3 years before she started not speaking to me again for 1.5 years for an entirely different reason. That was 8 years before she stopped speaking to me for an entirely different reason for what is now going on 15 years.
I did not end up with that boyfriend--nothing to do with my mom as he was (and I am confident is still) an excellent person. And yet, I have never regretted my "defiance". All of the advice that your parents will "get over it", is pure speculation. But in my experience, I have a rare unicorn of parent that actually does not "get over it". You might too. Or more likely, you do not and they will get over it and still love you.
Regardless, you should still live the best life you can for yourself. You can make those choices and you must live with the consequences of those choices. But if you sacrifice your own agency to your parents (or anyone else), you will not be living the life that you choose to be best for you.
So my hard earned vote is take the job. Best of luck to you!
posted by murrey at 8:07 PM on December 25, 2014 [12 favorites]
My mother did not speak to me for 10 months. That was 3 years before she started not speaking to me again for 1.5 years for an entirely different reason. That was 8 years before she stopped speaking to me for an entirely different reason for what is now going on 15 years.
I did not end up with that boyfriend--nothing to do with my mom as he was (and I am confident is still) an excellent person. And yet, I have never regretted my "defiance". All of the advice that your parents will "get over it", is pure speculation. But in my experience, I have a rare unicorn of parent that actually does not "get over it". You might too. Or more likely, you do not and they will get over it and still love you.
Regardless, you should still live the best life you can for yourself. You can make those choices and you must live with the consequences of those choices. But if you sacrifice your own agency to your parents (or anyone else), you will not be living the life that you choose to be best for you.
So my hard earned vote is take the job. Best of luck to you!
posted by murrey at 8:07 PM on December 25, 2014 [12 favorites]
Ah, parents. They sometimes only want you to be safe, not to live.
posted by amtho at 8:15 PM on December 25, 2014 [14 favorites]
posted by amtho at 8:15 PM on December 25, 2014 [14 favorites]
Take the job.
You seem to have a choice between a- someone who is being very understanding with the fact that you're far away from him and sticking by you anyway and b- people who are giving you ultimatums, threats and not being at all understanding. The choice is pretty clear.
I haven't spoken to either of my parents in a decade. It was my choice and I couldn't be happier. I do have one major regret in my life- Not cutting them out sooner. My father kept refusing to be cut out of my life so I threatened him with legal action if he kept contacting me. He didn't believe me. So I went ahead and did it. He never made the mistake of contacting me again.
Of course I understand my choice is not suitable for everyone, but I know I made the right decision for me. I knew a woman named L-- in a similar situation to yours. She was a hindu and the man she loved was Muslim. He did NOT ask her to convert to islam and was perfectly happy with her decision to remain Hindu (and she has remained Hindu throughout their 25 year marriage.) Despite this her family was against the couple being together. (I'm not sure what his family's stance was, but I'm guessing they weren't for it either) and eventually she married the man and they both planned to move to America together. The drama was that she was previously married to a hindu (who died) and they had a daughter together. Well, L---'s father (the little girl's grandfather) decided he was not going to "allow" his granddaughter to be raised by a Muslim. He said if you're going to marry this guy and leave India, you're not taking my grand-daughter with you. L---- gave her parents wayyy too much power over her and she ended up leaving her little girl behind to live with her new husband in America. Throughout much of her daughter's childhood their relationship was basically over the phone and it wasn't until her daughter turned 20 that she finally came to live with her mother and stepfather. Her stepfather was so happy that his step-daughter was finally coming to live with them (mostly because he knew it would make his wife happy). But L--- told me that that biggest regret she ever had was not standing up to her parents and taking her daughter with her when she had the chance. So many years lost. I don't know where things will go with this bf of yours, but if you truly love each other you will regret for the rest of your life listening to your parents instead of your own hearts.
posted by rancher at 8:32 PM on December 25, 2014 [5 favorites]
You seem to have a choice between a- someone who is being very understanding with the fact that you're far away from him and sticking by you anyway and b- people who are giving you ultimatums, threats and not being at all understanding. The choice is pretty clear.
I haven't spoken to either of my parents in a decade. It was my choice and I couldn't be happier. I do have one major regret in my life- Not cutting them out sooner. My father kept refusing to be cut out of my life so I threatened him with legal action if he kept contacting me. He didn't believe me. So I went ahead and did it. He never made the mistake of contacting me again.
Of course I understand my choice is not suitable for everyone, but I know I made the right decision for me. I knew a woman named L-- in a similar situation to yours. She was a hindu and the man she loved was Muslim. He did NOT ask her to convert to islam and was perfectly happy with her decision to remain Hindu (and she has remained Hindu throughout their 25 year marriage.) Despite this her family was against the couple being together. (I'm not sure what his family's stance was, but I'm guessing they weren't for it either) and eventually she married the man and they both planned to move to America together. The drama was that she was previously married to a hindu (who died) and they had a daughter together. Well, L---'s father (the little girl's grandfather) decided he was not going to "allow" his granddaughter to be raised by a Muslim. He said if you're going to marry this guy and leave India, you're not taking my grand-daughter with you. L---- gave her parents wayyy too much power over her and she ended up leaving her little girl behind to live with her new husband in America. Throughout much of her daughter's childhood their relationship was basically over the phone and it wasn't until her daughter turned 20 that she finally came to live with her mother and stepfather. Her stepfather was so happy that his step-daughter was finally coming to live with them (mostly because he knew it would make his wife happy). But L--- told me that that biggest regret she ever had was not standing up to her parents and taking her daughter with her when she had the chance. So many years lost. I don't know where things will go with this bf of yours, but if you truly love each other you will regret for the rest of your life listening to your parents instead of your own hearts.
posted by rancher at 8:32 PM on December 25, 2014 [5 favorites]
Someday your parents will be dead. Are you going to wait till that day to claim your right to live your own life? How old will you be then? How much will you have missed in the meantime?
You are not your parents' property. You are an adult. Being an adult means staking claim to your own life, including the right to decide whom you love. It is scary because doing so also means being responsible for any mistakes you make. But if you want to live your life instead of passively inhabiting it, it's what you have to do.
posted by emjaybee at 8:33 PM on December 25, 2014 [15 favorites]
You are not your parents' property. You are an adult. Being an adult means staking claim to your own life, including the right to decide whom you love. It is scary because doing so also means being responsible for any mistakes you make. But if you want to live your life instead of passively inhabiting it, it's what you have to do.
posted by emjaybee at 8:33 PM on December 25, 2014 [15 favorites]
I've read your letter carefully, and in my opinion: your thinking is clear and rational, and your reasoning on taking the new job is objectively good even if your BF is completely out of the picture. Frankly, I'm reminded of the old joke about the person standing on their roof during a flood, who turns down rescue offers from two boats and a helicopter. (With the exception of your parents) it sounds like the stars are aligned in your favor - which is especially refreshing here on the green where too often people have life situations that are depressingly bleak. In short: take the job.
It's unfortunate that your parents are giving you flack over this. I hope that I do not sound all self-righteous and shit, but (speaking as a parent myself) they really need to appreciate how good they've got it that they have a child who is bright, educated, and out in the world supporting themselves. I know people who have children who have drug problems, have criminal records, are chronically unemployed, etc. Don't get me wrong: your parents deserve massive kudos for having raised a successful child. But the time has come when they need to accept that the fruit of their efforts is a child who is capable of making intelligent, independent choices about how they want to live their life. If it helps at all, perhaps they can think of themselves as having moved to a 'safety net' role in your life, where they are no longer directing your actions, but are instead respected for their achievements, and who are there for you if you should trip and fall.
posted by doctor tough love at 8:38 PM on December 25, 2014 [6 favorites]
It's unfortunate that your parents are giving you flack over this. I hope that I do not sound all self-righteous and shit, but (speaking as a parent myself) they really need to appreciate how good they've got it that they have a child who is bright, educated, and out in the world supporting themselves. I know people who have children who have drug problems, have criminal records, are chronically unemployed, etc. Don't get me wrong: your parents deserve massive kudos for having raised a successful child. But the time has come when they need to accept that the fruit of their efforts is a child who is capable of making intelligent, independent choices about how they want to live their life. If it helps at all, perhaps they can think of themselves as having moved to a 'safety net' role in your life, where they are no longer directing your actions, but are instead respected for their achievements, and who are there for you if you should trip and fall.
posted by doctor tough love at 8:38 PM on December 25, 2014 [6 favorites]
Go! Take the job!
Also, the only person allowed to make rules that govern your life is you. You alone.
Live your life the way you want to. There is no dishonor in that.
posted by quince at 8:55 PM on December 25, 2014 [1 favorite]
Also, the only person allowed to make rules that govern your life is you. You alone.
Live your life the way you want to. There is no dishonor in that.
posted by quince at 8:55 PM on December 25, 2014 [1 favorite]
Not an easy decision for you. It looks like you have done a lot of really good analysis of the situation. My short term advice is : Take the job. I am 200% sure you should. I think you are too. Then we have to come up with a way for your parents to save face / their pride . They need to feel respected. That is the only way to maintain the relationship. Find an article about someone from your religious community who works at the new company (or in the new city). Something positive for them to grasp at. Then, emphasize the career growth, the perks ($$), pension, etc. You should also not mention the boy. Start with that approach and then see where it goes. They won't take the relationship seriously until (if) you get engaged, is my guess. Best of luck. Take the job!
posted by leslievictoria at 9:16 PM on December 25, 2014 [6 favorites]
posted by leslievictoria at 9:16 PM on December 25, 2014 [6 favorites]
I really hate to make them angry or disappoint them
But you're not making them angry or disappointing them. They're angry and disappointed because the future they envisioned is in jeopardy, and they're not mentally prepared to handle it. Right now, they're implying that their feelings are YOUR FAULT, and it's on you to make them feel better. It's what a good child would do, isn't it.
Does that sound fair? Does that sound like parents giving their child the resources they need to make a good life? Or does that sound like people who are trying to perpetuate their society at the expense of their child's one and only life?
Yeah, I'm biased, this is white male USAian POV talking. But it's what I'm going to do with my kids. It's what my mom managed to do with me in spite of what my grandmother wanted, and I have my own life and my own family. That's all I want for my kids.
posted by disconnect at 9:27 PM on December 25, 2014 [12 favorites]
But you're not making them angry or disappointing them. They're angry and disappointed because the future they envisioned is in jeopardy, and they're not mentally prepared to handle it. Right now, they're implying that their feelings are YOUR FAULT, and it's on you to make them feel better. It's what a good child would do, isn't it.
Does that sound fair? Does that sound like parents giving their child the resources they need to make a good life? Or does that sound like people who are trying to perpetuate their society at the expense of their child's one and only life?
Yeah, I'm biased, this is white male USAian POV talking. But it's what I'm going to do with my kids. It's what my mom managed to do with me in spite of what my grandmother wanted, and I have my own life and my own family. That's all I want for my kids.
posted by disconnect at 9:27 PM on December 25, 2014 [12 favorites]
Given the job market for too many people and fields (quality of jobs at least as much as quantity), taking the job is the only choice, even if you learn tomorrow that your boyfriend has been eaten by badgers or some other animals.
posted by ambient2 at 9:31 PM on December 25, 2014 [23 favorites]
posted by ambient2 at 9:31 PM on December 25, 2014 [23 favorites]
If you decide to deny yourself this opportunity and obey your parents' wishes this time, then what happens next time you want to make a decision they don't agree with? And the next, and the next?
You will end up having to cross this boundary sometime. Now is as good a time as any. Tell your parents you love and respect them, and say "I am going."
posted by Pallas Athena at 9:50 PM on December 25, 2014 [4 favorites]
You will end up having to cross this boundary sometime. Now is as good a time as any. Tell your parents you love and respect them, and say "I am going."
posted by Pallas Athena at 9:50 PM on December 25, 2014 [4 favorites]
Like disconnect, I'm a white male American talking here, but...
Consider whether you'd want to take the job even without the boyfriend--and it sounds like you do. Relationships can come and go, and that's something you should consider even if things are going super well with the BF. I dropped everything once to take on a crummy job in a new city to be with a new GF, but I only did that after I'd seen the city without her and knew I'd want to stay even if things with her fell apart (which they eventually did, but whatever).
As for your parents: it sure sounds like you'll wind up resenting them if you don't take this job. Make it clear that you don't feel like you're disowning them by leaving the nest. If they continue to flip out, well...that's all on them. I realize that's easy for me to say from the comfort of my own home, but again, if you don't go, you'll probably be filled with even more regret.
posted by scaryblackdeath at 10:26 PM on December 25, 2014 [2 favorites]
Consider whether you'd want to take the job even without the boyfriend--and it sounds like you do. Relationships can come and go, and that's something you should consider even if things are going super well with the BF. I dropped everything once to take on a crummy job in a new city to be with a new GF, but I only did that after I'd seen the city without her and knew I'd want to stay even if things with her fell apart (which they eventually did, but whatever).
As for your parents: it sure sounds like you'll wind up resenting them if you don't take this job. Make it clear that you don't feel like you're disowning them by leaving the nest. If they continue to flip out, well...that's all on them. I realize that's easy for me to say from the comfort of my own home, but again, if you don't go, you'll probably be filled with even more regret.
posted by scaryblackdeath at 10:26 PM on December 25, 2014 [2 favorites]
Your parents aren't living your life, you are. While it's natural to consider the opinions of those important to you, ultimately you should do what makes you happy, you'll not regret it.
posted by mdrew at 10:30 PM on December 25, 2014 [1 favorite]
posted by mdrew at 10:30 PM on December 25, 2014 [1 favorite]
I told them about the job opportunity and they were happy I got the job but forbid me to move and take up the job
They... can't actually do that. You're in charge of your own life.
Move, take the job, tell them to get over it.
posted by Justinian at 10:42 PM on December 25, 2014 [6 favorites]
They... can't actually do that. You're in charge of your own life.
Move, take the job, tell them to get over it.
posted by Justinian at 10:42 PM on December 25, 2014 [6 favorites]
Take the job and move, not just for all the good career and life reasons outlined above, but also for the sake of your long-term relationship with your parents. If they continue thinking that they can control you this way, your resentment will build until one day, you will realize that it has buried all the positive aspects of your connection. Taking a stand now, relatively early in your adult life, gives all of you a chance to forge a mature and sustainable relationship based on mutual love and respect.
posted by rpfields at 11:35 PM on December 25, 2014 [3 favorites]
posted by rpfields at 11:35 PM on December 25, 2014 [3 favorites]
Your parents are acting like spoiled children, issuing ridiculous threats and mini-tantrums in the hopes that they will get what they want, when what they want isn't the issue here. Next they'll be telling you they're going to hold their breath until you agree not to move/take the job/see the guy.
I don't think this is anywhere near "cut them out of your life"-level behavior, but good grief. Move, take the job, see the guy. Unless your parents are flat-out unable to deal with the real world, they'll eventually get over and accept it. And if they're not able to deal with the real world, well, then that's on them.
posted by tzikeh at 11:38 PM on December 25, 2014 [1 favorite]
I don't think this is anywhere near "cut them out of your life"-level behavior, but good grief. Move, take the job, see the guy. Unless your parents are flat-out unable to deal with the real world, they'll eventually get over and accept it. And if they're not able to deal with the real world, well, then that's on them.
posted by tzikeh at 11:38 PM on December 25, 2014 [1 favorite]
Take the job! Even disregarding your relationship, it sounds like a good opportunity for your career, your social life, and your mental health. You might not get another opportunity like this.
Your parents are entitled to their opinion. It's unfortunate that it's not the same as your opinion, but they are not you, and your life isn't theirs to dictate. It might be hard to disentangle your feelings from their opinion because you are so close. It will be easier to deal with their disapproval from a distance. Like from, say, the city you've been offered a job in.
posted by roshy at 11:39 PM on December 25, 2014
Your parents are entitled to their opinion. It's unfortunate that it's not the same as your opinion, but they are not you, and your life isn't theirs to dictate. It might be hard to disentangle your feelings from their opinion because you are so close. It will be easier to deal with their disapproval from a distance. Like from, say, the city you've been offered a job in.
posted by roshy at 11:39 PM on December 25, 2014
Well, certainly I agree with two basic premises put forward in many replies above.
I would like to highlight some things:
posted by forthright at 11:46 PM on December 25, 2014 [3 favorites]
I would like to highlight some things:
- Life is a complex roller coaster ride where we are swept up by many forces beyond our control: economic, office political, geopolitical, medical, neighbors, storms, disasters, sense of duty and honor, victimization, etc. And many of us who are familiar with the reasons behind choices made by our parents, grandparents and great-grandparents realize they were unable to ignore all those forces in their lives, but had to do their best to live their lives while making necessary accommodations. If we subtract out your parents antics from this equation, you are still left with all the rest that I named, so you will probably still have a very difficult life, like most other folks. But in a sense each challenge and crisis is necessary to prepare us for the next, it is part of growth.
- Human beings sometimes try to manipulate each other by casting decisions where there are multiple choices into binary terms. This is a disrespect to the other person because it ignores the many ways intelligent people have accomplished great things in their lives by blending priorities and rationing resources and timing their efforts. This is not to say there are not ethical and legal absolutes, but rather that people manufacture new absolutes so they can control others. Why else would they seek to make life more complicated than it already is?
- Yes, the power of family and religious ties varies greatly in different cultures and nations. Strangers on the Web cannot give excellent advice without knowing the full impact that those complications may cause you in the short and long term. You seem to love your family so I hope that fear is not warranted in this case, and that you are only seeking the best choice in a difficult situation.
- I think your question is mainly practical, not religious, but my "go to" quote for balancing human free will with theological principles is this one.
posted by forthright at 11:46 PM on December 25, 2014 [3 favorites]
It's your life, not theirs. Do what you want.
posted by Jacqueline at 11:49 PM on December 25, 2014
posted by Jacqueline at 11:49 PM on December 25, 2014
I also know if I don't take this job offer I'll regret it.
And you will doubly regret it because you know it is the right thing to do.
Take the job. Live your life. And consider this a fantastic learning opportunity for how to manage a mature, adult relationship with your parents. You can actually enrich their life by taking care of your own.
posted by Kerasia at 11:50 PM on December 25, 2014 [1 favorite]
And you will doubly regret it because you know it is the right thing to do.
Take the job. Live your life. And consider this a fantastic learning opportunity for how to manage a mature, adult relationship with your parents. You can actually enrich their life by taking care of your own.
posted by Kerasia at 11:50 PM on December 25, 2014 [1 favorite]
It's your life, not your parents'. They don't get a vote.
If you want the job, take the job. And enjoy this new phase in your life. Your parents are responsible for working out their own issues.
posted by His thoughts were red thoughts at 12:06 AM on December 26, 2014 [1 favorite]
If you want the job, take the job. And enjoy this new phase in your life. Your parents are responsible for working out their own issues.
posted by His thoughts were red thoughts at 12:06 AM on December 26, 2014 [1 favorite]
Well, of course everyone on Metafilter is going to tell you to listen to your heart and not your parents; as I'm sure you know, the majority of those who participate on this site are going to have very different norms when it comes to family life, and I'm not sure how you will be able to apply the advice from people who have little direct experience of the kind of traditional upbringing you describe.
Having said that, I suppose I have a question for you: why share so much information with your family given that you knew they would be disapproving? It seems that you want to move and take the new job, and you could have simply accepted the job offer and then told your parents: "Hey, great news: I got a wonderful new job!" but instead it sounds like you asked them for their advice. This seems rather self-defeating. In the future, I would encourage you not to give your parents more power over you than they already have.
posted by girl flaneur at 12:23 AM on December 26, 2014 [11 favorites]
Having said that, I suppose I have a question for you: why share so much information with your family given that you knew they would be disapproving? It seems that you want to move and take the new job, and you could have simply accepted the job offer and then told your parents: "Hey, great news: I got a wonderful new job!" but instead it sounds like you asked them for their advice. This seems rather self-defeating. In the future, I would encourage you not to give your parents more power over you than they already have.
posted by girl flaneur at 12:23 AM on December 26, 2014 [11 favorites]
It can be extremely hard to say no to one's parents. The parents may use various methods to try and make the son or daughter comply with their wishes. You've already seen some of this:
They've threatened me that they'll pack up and move to this new city with me too, they're get some sort of horrible disease from the stress I'm causing them, I'll damage their reputation, they'll disown me.
....And there will be more. You need to be ready to keep telling them you love them and you understand their concerns -- and you need to do what's right for you. Don't argue back when they give you reasons and dire predictions. Stay calm and stay "on message" -- you know they're worried, you know that's very hard for them, and you're moving to your old city for the new job.
If you honor their wishes now, the day will eventually come when you'll have to stand up to them about something else. Things won't be "just fine" if you give in about this job and this boyfriend. Your parents need to learn that you're not their little girl.
posted by wryly at 12:33 AM on December 26, 2014
They've threatened me that they'll pack up and move to this new city with me too, they're get some sort of horrible disease from the stress I'm causing them, I'll damage their reputation, they'll disown me.
....And there will be more. You need to be ready to keep telling them you love them and you understand their concerns -- and you need to do what's right for you. Don't argue back when they give you reasons and dire predictions. Stay calm and stay "on message" -- you know they're worried, you know that's very hard for them, and you're moving to your old city for the new job.
If you honor their wishes now, the day will eventually come when you'll have to stand up to them about something else. Things won't be "just fine" if you give in about this job and this boyfriend. Your parents need to learn that you're not their little girl.
posted by wryly at 12:33 AM on December 26, 2014
I'm not sure what you should do, but from what you say this is a major crossroads. It's easy for fifty strangers on the internet to say that they'd take the job and to heck with your folks. But only you know what life you want to live. Both options have the possibility to be awesome or lousy, and we really can't tell you which one to take, because we don't know you and your situation. I think you might benefit from reading this essay by Cheryl Strayed, called "Ghost Ship." In it she's counseling someone who can't decide whether they want to have children or not, and she says the person should imagine both lifestreams (the has-a-kid and the stays-childless lives), and know they both have value, and then pick the one that they can't live without. The essay helped me when I had to make a huge life decision, and maybe the same thought experiment can help you. Ghost Ship
posted by feets at 12:34 AM on December 26, 2014 [4 favorites]
posted by feets at 12:34 AM on December 26, 2014 [4 favorites]
I have just been offered a job in the same town as him (where I used to live previously too)- in the field I've been wanting to enter with great pay and benefits. Th organization and field is something I've been trying to get into for the past year or so. I've done countless interviews (sometimes for the sake of being back in the city) but with no luck. Now is my chance!This is the only paragraph in your description that matters. Strike references to the boyfriend and, so long as everything you say here is still true, that's what you need to communicate to your parents. And that's probably what you need to hew to.
posted by Emperor SnooKloze at 12:45 AM on December 26, 2014 [1 favorite]
You may and you may not make it with your boyfriend and your parents could be right about that. And you may or may not be happy living in a different city and your parents could be right about that. And you may or may not love your new job so much that you'll grow old and retire with that company and be happy and eager to go to work every day - or not - your parents may be right about that.
But my dear, they live their lives the way they see fit and accept the consequences of the choices they make and you must live your life the way you see fit and also accept the consequences as they come.
So go already - providing that you're not going to be calling them to come and get you and bring you home because you're so sad or calling them because you need money or because your boyfriend isn't perfect after all, and neither's the job, and the city isn't as nice as your home city, either and you need rescuing. Even that's okay, once. Otherwise you have to just figure out how to make it work.
If you're ready to take the big jump, and you sound like you are, just do it. All of us parents have to learn how to let our kids go and it's darn hard, I promise you, but after that part is over parents and kids manage (usually) to come around to seeing each other as adults and pretty good people after all - and it all works itself out.
That's not always the case, obviously, but if the issue is only as severe as you've described, I think you should grab the new job and the boyfriend and head on over the mountain.
posted by aryma at 12:55 AM on December 26, 2014 [3 favorites]
But my dear, they live their lives the way they see fit and accept the consequences of the choices they make and you must live your life the way you see fit and also accept the consequences as they come.
So go already - providing that you're not going to be calling them to come and get you and bring you home because you're so sad or calling them because you need money or because your boyfriend isn't perfect after all, and neither's the job, and the city isn't as nice as your home city, either and you need rescuing. Even that's okay, once. Otherwise you have to just figure out how to make it work.
If you're ready to take the big jump, and you sound like you are, just do it. All of us parents have to learn how to let our kids go and it's darn hard, I promise you, but after that part is over parents and kids manage (usually) to come around to seeing each other as adults and pretty good people after all - and it all works itself out.
That's not always the case, obviously, but if the issue is only as severe as you've described, I think you should grab the new job and the boyfriend and head on over the mountain.
posted by aryma at 12:55 AM on December 26, 2014 [3 favorites]
you are not a person to your parents, you are chattel. They grew up in a culture where children are only valued if they reflect positively and are (im)perfect mirrors of the parents. I say 'imperfect' because your parents will never be perfect examples of everything they wish you to embody in the eyes of the community they want to impress. They want you to take the strain when they can't be perfect, not so you look good, but so they look good.
Your efforts, no matter how much you strive are never good enough. You know this. You feel it viscerally. It's exhausting, dehumanising and simply wrong. you face a lifetime of that kind of interaction if you choose your parents. And the worst part is they have inculcated you with a belief that this is what you are worth. Which is the only reason you're still trying to justify their view on here. You are worth so much more. Do an assertiveness training course between now and when you break the news.
Yes, there are huge benefits to larger extended families who truly care about each other, who have your back on things. That is not what this is.
The most important question you can answer is: if you have children either with this person or with someone more acceptable to your family, would you wish that kind of pressure on them? will you stand by as your parents nag and harp on about how they're too western, are failing in one way or another? will you allow them to see YOU through the distorted lens your parents apply to you?
finally it is hard to break the ties, but I know two long term relationship that work, thrive even, despite huge problems like this.
posted by kairab at 2:26 AM on December 26, 2014 [9 favorites]
Your efforts, no matter how much you strive are never good enough. You know this. You feel it viscerally. It's exhausting, dehumanising and simply wrong. you face a lifetime of that kind of interaction if you choose your parents. And the worst part is they have inculcated you with a belief that this is what you are worth. Which is the only reason you're still trying to justify their view on here. You are worth so much more. Do an assertiveness training course between now and when you break the news.
Yes, there are huge benefits to larger extended families who truly care about each other, who have your back on things. That is not what this is.
The most important question you can answer is: if you have children either with this person or with someone more acceptable to your family, would you wish that kind of pressure on them? will you stand by as your parents nag and harp on about how they're too western, are failing in one way or another? will you allow them to see YOU through the distorted lens your parents apply to you?
finally it is hard to break the ties, but I know two long term relationship that work, thrive even, despite huge problems like this.
posted by kairab at 2:26 AM on December 26, 2014 [9 favorites]
Take the job. Move. Sounds like it's what you would want to do even if there was no boyfriend in the picture. If that is the case - if you'd go even with no boyfriend, if you'd stay in the new city with the new job even if you and your boyfriend broke up tomorrow - go.
posted by sailoreagle at 3:40 AM on December 26, 2014
posted by sailoreagle at 3:40 AM on December 26, 2014
You should absolutely take the job. If your parents choose to move cities, make themselves ill with stress, or whatever else, that's on them, notyou.
posted by daisyk at 3:53 AM on December 26, 2014 [1 favorite]
posted by daisyk at 3:53 AM on December 26, 2014 [1 favorite]
Are you a financially independent adult? If yes, go live YOUR life! Go!
posted by Devils Rancher at 4:52 AM on December 26, 2014 [1 favorite]
posted by Devils Rancher at 4:52 AM on December 26, 2014 [1 favorite]
Take the job.
It sounds like you've got your head screwed on straight about the whole situation, so go with your gut: take the job and move back to that city you already know you like. This job opportunity, with its career possibilities and great pay & benefits, appears to be exactly what you've been hunting for. And that's really something major to consider, in this job market: that alone, boyfriend or no boyfriend, is the biggest reason to grab this job with both hands.
Meanwhile, your parents.... sheesh. Their problem is only partly your current boyfriend and his different religion: mostly, it's about their control of your life. You've been living on your own, as I presume a self-supporting adult; they're insisting you what, revert to childhood and stop the calendar? Moving back in with them would be the worst possible thing you could do! They don't want you to move to where this job is because they might finally lose the rest of their control of you --- even now, they are controlling you, by refusing you 'permission' to move, by threatening you'll cause them to develop "horrible diseases", by threatening to disown you or move with you or both, by hand-picking suitable-to-them boyfriends.
Take the job --- this is most emphatically not your parents' decision, it is yours and yours alone. Whether or not they do, in the end, choose to also move to your new city is their choice; likewise, it is entirely their choice whether or not they 'disown' you. If you cave in to them on this, where does it stop? When drop your career and move back into your childhood bedroom, then marry some guy you don't love simply because they approve of him? Stand up for yourself now, or you'll never be free.
posted by easily confused at 5:00 AM on December 26, 2014
It sounds like you've got your head screwed on straight about the whole situation, so go with your gut: take the job and move back to that city you already know you like. This job opportunity, with its career possibilities and great pay & benefits, appears to be exactly what you've been hunting for. And that's really something major to consider, in this job market: that alone, boyfriend or no boyfriend, is the biggest reason to grab this job with both hands.
Meanwhile, your parents.... sheesh. Their problem is only partly your current boyfriend and his different religion: mostly, it's about their control of your life. You've been living on your own, as I presume a self-supporting adult; they're insisting you what, revert to childhood and stop the calendar? Moving back in with them would be the worst possible thing you could do! They don't want you to move to where this job is because they might finally lose the rest of their control of you --- even now, they are controlling you, by refusing you 'permission' to move, by threatening you'll cause them to develop "horrible diseases", by threatening to disown you or move with you or both, by hand-picking suitable-to-them boyfriends.
Take the job --- this is most emphatically not your parents' decision, it is yours and yours alone. Whether or not they do, in the end, choose to also move to your new city is their choice; likewise, it is entirely their choice whether or not they 'disown' you. If you cave in to them on this, where does it stop? When drop your career and move back into your childhood bedroom, then marry some guy you don't love simply because they approve of him? Stand up for yourself now, or you'll never be free.
posted by easily confused at 5:00 AM on December 26, 2014
This is your life to live. I'm assuming that your parents moved from their country of origin so that you could benefit from the opportunities offered in your current location. Part of their expectations for you include their cultural ones, and that, unfortunately is never a given thing in the western world. We do enjoy assimilating.
My parents never lived more than 2 blocks away from each other their whole lives. Their family relationships have been intertwined since before they were born. When I was an infant they moved across the country. We have been raised in integrated neighborhoods and new very few people who shared our religion.
When I started dating, Mom would occasionally ask, "Is he Jewish?" I'd give her such a look. First of all, we lived in Phoenix, Arizona, not exactly an enclave of the Chosen People. Secondly, we didn't belong to a temple, so it's not like we were very deeply religious. It was a non-sequitur. Something she felt compelled to ask, but in the end, pointless.
Now my parents aren't at all traditional but they still hoped that when I married that I would choose someone who was our faith. Didn't happen. I know for a fact they hoped for grandchildren, didn't happen. But I'm not responsible for their disappointment, and I've never regretted a minute of my life.
They will be angry, they will be upset, they will be disappointed. It's okay. Even if you lived your life perfectly according to their strictures, they'd still get angry, upset and disappointed at some point.
So continue to honor your parents, respect them and love them, but you can't live your life according to their dictates.
Here's a phrase that you can use, "I love and respect you and our culture and you have to trust that you've instilled morals and values in me. My life is mine to live and for now I'm choosing to be with Edwin."
You can have a loving relationship with your parents and NOT do what they say. Good luck to you, learning how to enforce boundaries and to stand up to people that you love and who want only what's best for you is difficult. It is VERY worth it in the end though.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 5:00 AM on December 26, 2014 [5 favorites]
My parents never lived more than 2 blocks away from each other their whole lives. Their family relationships have been intertwined since before they were born. When I was an infant they moved across the country. We have been raised in integrated neighborhoods and new very few people who shared our religion.
When I started dating, Mom would occasionally ask, "Is he Jewish?" I'd give her such a look. First of all, we lived in Phoenix, Arizona, not exactly an enclave of the Chosen People. Secondly, we didn't belong to a temple, so it's not like we were very deeply religious. It was a non-sequitur. Something she felt compelled to ask, but in the end, pointless.
Now my parents aren't at all traditional but they still hoped that when I married that I would choose someone who was our faith. Didn't happen. I know for a fact they hoped for grandchildren, didn't happen. But I'm not responsible for their disappointment, and I've never regretted a minute of my life.
They will be angry, they will be upset, they will be disappointed. It's okay. Even if you lived your life perfectly according to their strictures, they'd still get angry, upset and disappointed at some point.
So continue to honor your parents, respect them and love them, but you can't live your life according to their dictates.
Here's a phrase that you can use, "I love and respect you and our culture and you have to trust that you've instilled morals and values in me. My life is mine to live and for now I'm choosing to be with Edwin."
You can have a loving relationship with your parents and NOT do what they say. Good luck to you, learning how to enforce boundaries and to stand up to people that you love and who want only what's best for you is difficult. It is VERY worth it in the end though.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 5:00 AM on December 26, 2014 [5 favorites]
You have all the power in this situation. They want you to do this, they want you to do that, but you make the choices about your life. You move here or there. You date this person or that. You control the information they have about you.
They will try to sway you, to influence you, to throw obstacles in your path, to entice you, but this is all because they can't decide for you. They can decide their own actions (whether to speak to you, whether to support your relationship, whether to let you in the house), but they can't decide your actions.
My extended family is conservative religious and immigrated in the 1950s. It has been interesting to see the different reactions of the parents as my generation has moved away, gone to school, left the faith, and married outside our group. Some have closed the door to their children's "unacceptable" partners, some have opened the door and expanded the family.
They have choices too, but they don't choose for you. They choose for them.
posted by heatherann at 5:37 AM on December 26, 2014 [4 favorites]
They will try to sway you, to influence you, to throw obstacles in your path, to entice you, but this is all because they can't decide for you. They can decide their own actions (whether to speak to you, whether to support your relationship, whether to let you in the house), but they can't decide your actions.
My extended family is conservative religious and immigrated in the 1950s. It has been interesting to see the different reactions of the parents as my generation has moved away, gone to school, left the faith, and married outside our group. Some have closed the door to their children's "unacceptable" partners, some have opened the door and expanded the family.
They have choices too, but they don't choose for you. They choose for them.
posted by heatherann at 5:37 AM on December 26, 2014 [4 favorites]
I think there are lots of people answering this question who do have direct experience. The idea that metafilter is only capable of endorsing self-actualization without regard for how culturally loaded that is, it's just silly, it's just not true.
I myself don't have direct experience, but I do have lots and lots of indirect experience with friends who are second generation immigrant family members (from a variety of traditional cultures) who have dealt with this kind of demand in all sorts of different ways.
Some of my friends live very traditional lives, and would never dream of going against their parents' wishes. Some of them have lived the Thanks but I'm marrying this white dude road. There's all sorts of paths in the middle that involve compromise or a judicious use of what-they-don't-know-won't-hurt-them.
All the people I know who marry and live within their parents' approval do so because they want to. They chose it, they aren't doing it with the gun of disowning against their head.
Take the job. Not because living in accordance with your parents' wishes is the wrong thing to do and taking it is right in some objective, universal sense. Take it because it's the right thing for you.
posted by The Noble Goofy Elk at 7:54 AM on December 26, 2014 [8 favorites]
I myself don't have direct experience, but I do have lots and lots of indirect experience with friends who are second generation immigrant family members (from a variety of traditional cultures) who have dealt with this kind of demand in all sorts of different ways.
Some of my friends live very traditional lives, and would never dream of going against their parents' wishes. Some of them have lived the Thanks but I'm marrying this white dude road. There's all sorts of paths in the middle that involve compromise or a judicious use of what-they-don't-know-won't-hurt-them.
All the people I know who marry and live within their parents' approval do so because they want to. They chose it, they aren't doing it with the gun of disowning against their head.
Take the job. Not because living in accordance with your parents' wishes is the wrong thing to do and taking it is right in some objective, universal sense. Take it because it's the right thing for you.
posted by The Noble Goofy Elk at 7:54 AM on December 26, 2014 [8 favorites]
I come from a culture where family ties are just as important as individual happiness, so I understand where you come from.
There's only one question and only you can answer it: can you afford (emotionally) to cut off all ties with your parents? If so, then go ahead and live your life.
posted by Kwadeng at 8:46 AM on December 26, 2014 [1 favorite]
There's only one question and only you can answer it: can you afford (emotionally) to cut off all ties with your parents? If so, then go ahead and live your life.
posted by Kwadeng at 8:46 AM on December 26, 2014 [1 favorite]
The thing is, if you pass on this job, you will probably be resentful of your parents, right? So, as sad as it is, there's a danger of harming your relationship with your parents no matter what you do: they've put you in this no-win position. You may as well take the job since it sounds like that's the right move for you both career-wise and romance-wise, and hope that your parents come around eventually.
posted by sunflower16 at 9:25 AM on December 26, 2014 [1 favorite]
posted by sunflower16 at 9:25 AM on December 26, 2014 [1 favorite]
Your parents are narcissists. They only see you as a reflection of themselves. You do not exist, to them, as an individual.
The reasons for this may be cultural or religious, or just their basic psychological makeup. The reasons are irrelevant.
Your parents do not love you the way they should. They really don't. You have to accept this, and you have to start now. Parents who love their children want what is best for the children, no matter how much it might hurt or scare themselves as parents.
They will never stop issuing ultimatums to you. If you give in, it will only get worse.
You must leave if you want to survive.
posted by gsh at 2:29 PM on December 26, 2014 [4 favorites]
The reasons for this may be cultural or religious, or just their basic psychological makeup. The reasons are irrelevant.
Your parents do not love you the way they should. They really don't. You have to accept this, and you have to start now. Parents who love their children want what is best for the children, no matter how much it might hurt or scare themselves as parents.
They will never stop issuing ultimatums to you. If you give in, it will only get worse.
You must leave if you want to survive.
posted by gsh at 2:29 PM on December 26, 2014 [4 favorites]
I think you should take the job and the boyfriend too, and I say this from a perspective of not having a career (work, yes, but not a career) and being lonely in love.
That said, there is a price we pay for everything, and you need to be willing to pay it (I think you should). Your parents may estrange themselves from you. It is a hurtful and lonely place, particularly if your relationship breaks down. However, I do not regret finally setting the boundaries that led my mother to refusing to talk to me for the last 15 years of her life. It was, finally - after a lifetime of being bullied, a relief (even if a sad one).
Life is so short, please spend it the ways YOU value, not how someone else does, even if the choice you're forced to make is hard.
posted by b33j at 3:29 PM on December 26, 2014 [1 favorite]
That said, there is a price we pay for everything, and you need to be willing to pay it (I think you should). Your parents may estrange themselves from you. It is a hurtful and lonely place, particularly if your relationship breaks down. However, I do not regret finally setting the boundaries that led my mother to refusing to talk to me for the last 15 years of her life. It was, finally - after a lifetime of being bullied, a relief (even if a sad one).
Life is so short, please spend it the ways YOU value, not how someone else does, even if the choice you're forced to make is hard.
posted by b33j at 3:29 PM on December 26, 2014 [1 favorite]
The job is one thing. The boyfriend is another. Your life and your decisions are your own.
Your parents may be from another culture, but you're an American. In this culture, adult kids make their own decisions, live their own lives. Your parents can choose to be part of your life or not.
It sounds like you want the job, and you would be happy to live in the other city. Do it.
If the boyfriend works out, fine. If not, well, you have a great job in a city you love, and your parents are far enough away that they don't keep jerking your strings.
It's a winner.
posted by BlueHorse at 3:55 PM on December 26, 2014 [1 favorite]
Your parents may be from another culture, but you're an American. In this culture, adult kids make their own decisions, live their own lives. Your parents can choose to be part of your life or not.
It sounds like you want the job, and you would be happy to live in the other city. Do it.
If the boyfriend works out, fine. If not, well, you have a great job in a city you love, and your parents are far enough away that they don't keep jerking your strings.
It's a winner.
posted by BlueHorse at 3:55 PM on December 26, 2014 [1 favorite]
You are clearly older than 18, so your parents cannot "forbid" you anything unless you let them.
Take the job. Keep the boy. It will work out, or it won't, but either way you will be living YOUR life and reaching for YOUR happiness.
Ultimately, the only person who needs to be happy with your life choices is you.
posted by MissySedai at 9:14 PM on December 26, 2014
Take the job. Keep the boy. It will work out, or it won't, but either way you will be living YOUR life and reaching for YOUR happiness.
Ultimately, the only person who needs to be happy with your life choices is you.
posted by MissySedai at 9:14 PM on December 26, 2014
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by whoaali at 7:15 PM on December 25, 2014 [68 favorites]