Santa slander? Evil santa stories.

November 16, 2005 7:17 AM

I need some common childhood misconceptions about Santa. For example, "If you are not at home at Christmas, Santa will think you will have moved and not leave any presents!" Something that children would believe (or make up on their own) and be terrified of.

More examples:

"If you don't leave Santa milk and cookies, he will eat you."

"Be careful when you write a letter to Santa, because if you spell his name wrong, you could be getting presents from Satan this year!"

"If your house doesn't have a chimney, then Santa can't visit you."

What are some good scary Santa stories that children would believe?

posted by jmccorm to Society & Culture (33 answers total)

If you're awake, Santa won't come, so you'd better try to get to sleep.
posted by rolypolyman at 7:19 AM on November 16, 2005

Just the thought of a strange man breaking into your house in the middle of the night and roaming around your rooms.
posted by chrismear at 7:24 AM on November 16, 2005 [1 favorite]

I need some common childhood misconceptions about Santa

Apart from "Santa Claus exists"? :)

The whole, "He sees you when you're sleeping, he knows when you're awake" thing is downright Orwellian.
posted by Gator at 7:30 AM on November 16, 2005

Of course those are all false jmccorm, Santa leaves the presents whether you are home or not, whether you have a chimney or not, whether you spell his name right or not, and whether you leave him cookies or not. To the best of my knowledge, Santa has never eaten any kids. However, rolypolyman is right, you had better get to sleep if you want Santa to visit. You also had better be nice not naughty this year, although I have it on personal authority that Santa is pretty forgiving in this area.
posted by caddis at 7:31 AM on November 16, 2005

Love the image of a demonic, red-in-tooth-and-claw Father Christmas slicing open cute little moppets because he didn't get his glass of milk.

How about the dead-guy-stuck-in-the-chimney urban myth, a la Gremlins?
posted by Leon at 7:32 AM on November 16, 2005

"If your list doesn't include something your parents can afford, he will think you hate your family and will kill them during the night."

:P
posted by cleverusername at 7:35 AM on November 16, 2005

One day shortly before Christmas when my oldest brother (who is now 42) was about 5, my dad was at the back of the farm we then owned and saw a deer. In the early evening, when my brother and dad were doing chores in the barn, my dad said to my brother, "Well, it looks like Santa won't be able to come this Christmas. This afternoon I saw Rudolph running loose in the bush."

My brother turned around and hurried out of the stable. When my dad went to look for him, he found my brother heading back to the bush with a rope in his hands. He was going to catch Rudolph for Santa.
posted by orange swan at 7:36 AM on November 16, 2005

Okay, not a common belief among kids, but a cute story I thought was worth telling;-)
posted by orange swan at 7:39 AM on November 16, 2005

He doesn't bring presents to Jewish kids because he hates them for being Jewish.

This was our response when the Jewish kids told us Santa was really our mom and dad. Kids can be so cruel.
posted by bondcliff at 7:43 AM on November 16, 2005

I remember reading somewhere that the original St. Nicholas legend before "Night Before Christmas" was not a kindly big and tall elf who'd leave gifts for good children, but a surly old bearded wanderer who beat bad children with a large stick.
posted by brownpau at 7:43 AM on November 16, 2005

This isn't particularly scary, but my parents made sure to clarify that Santa only brought the presents in the STOCKING, not the presents under the tree (those were from Mom and Dad). That serves as a handy solution for the "ask for things Mom & Dad can afford" issue. Also made it easier for us to unwrap the tree presents on Xmas Eve.
posted by dlugoczaj at 7:59 AM on November 16, 2005

Santa Claus doesn't bring presents to poor kids. Or, at least, this is what the Goodwill commercials led me to believe. Even at five years old, this seemed really wrong; I questioned my parents about it until they finally had to give up and tell me the truth.
posted by lunalaguna at 8:14 AM on November 16, 2005

If you're bad, Santa will leave you something like coal or a switch, rather than toys.
posted by padraigin at 8:23 AM on November 16, 2005

Not a legend, but another anecdote. Came back from midnight Mass to find that a skinhead hooligan of some sort, wearing Santa garb, had broken into the house and passed out in front of the Christmas tree.

I said "looks like Santa may not be finishing his rounds this year". I was surprised to see my 9 year old nephew's lip start to quiver before he broke into a wail.
posted by StickyCarpet at 8:25 AM on November 16, 2005

Also, just this second ago my daughter asked me for a certain toy, and I told her to ask Santa. I then realized that my mother used to tell me to ask Santa for things she had no intention of buying, presumably so when I didn't get it, I wouldn't have her to blame.

And that's exactly why I just did it. I wanted to shift blame for the lack of a Talking Disney Princess Kitchen to the fat man.
posted by padraigin at 8:26 AM on November 16, 2005

Response by poster: padralgin: No, that's a good one. To generalize: "If you ask your parents for a special toy for Christmas, and they tell you to ask Santa, then Santa won't get it for you!"
posted by jmccorm at 8:38 AM on November 16, 2005

Misconceptions? Some of the standard legends surrounding Santa seem pretty creepy to me:

He sees you when you're sleeping
He knows when you're awake
He knows if you've been bad or good
So be good for goodness' sake!

Or, as Calvin once put it, "Santa Claus: kindly old elf, or CIA spook?"
posted by DevilsAdvocate at 8:45 AM on November 16, 2005

If you visit Santa at the store/mall/public gathering area and you forget to tell him about something that you really really want, you're pretty much screwed.
posted by gnomeloaf at 8:54 AM on November 16, 2005

Krampus, Santa's right-hand man, is a "real" legend, and scary as all get-out. If I ever have kids, they'll definitely be hearing about him...
posted by sluggo at 8:59 AM on November 16, 2005

StickyCarpet's story is better, but I am reminded of this.

Shortly after the earth cooled, when I was around 10 and my brother 6, I was aware Santa was not real but my brother was not. I or my mother or perhaps some combination of the two of us had the idea for me to go outside with some sleigh bells and rattle them, a la Santa.

We thought it would be cute and festive. My brother, on the other hand, freaked out screaming and crying that Santa had some by, found him awake and wouldn't be returning.

I came back inside to get a stern dressing-down from Dad about terrorizing and tormenting my brother, just because I no longer believed etc. Went on about a minute before Mom stepped up and explained we weren't trying to jerk his chain and were in it together. Amusing now but my sense of Justice was greatly offended at the time. Wonder if my brother still remembers?
posted by phearlez at 9:15 AM on November 16, 2005

How about the belief that Santa could simultaneously manifest in malls all over the earth, just like Palmer Eldritch.
posted by johngoren at 9:30 AM on November 16, 2005

Santa doesn't bring toys that are advertised on TV. This worked wonders on me and, revitalized for my kids, led to them turning off the TV whenever they thought a commercial for the toy they really wanted was coming.

I also have some childhood memory of Santa Claus being misheard as Sandy Claws, but I might have read it somewhere. I think I did use it to terrify my younger brother, though. And kids do worry about houses without fireplaces; I had to explain carefully about how Santa would come in through the window to mine in a couple of places we lived.
posted by mygothlaundry at 10:28 AM on November 16, 2005

my all time FAVORITE (i know it doesnt answer the question...i just love this)
from Neil Gaiman
posted by ShawnString at 10:37 AM on November 16, 2005

mygothlaundry: Sandy Claws is from The Nightmare Before Christmas.
posted by cerebus19 at 11:03 AM on November 16, 2005

I think "Sandy Claws" originated with Pogo, the old comic strip (with Pogo the Possum and Albert the Alligator, etc.), long before The Nighmare Before Christmas came along, but mygothlaundry may not be old enough to remember that.
posted by Gator at 11:33 AM on November 16, 2005

The plot of Christmas Eve on Sesame Street revolves around Oscar telling Big Bird that if you don't have a chimney, Santa can't get to you. I seem to recall that they cover some other misconceptions about Santa, too.

Re: The Lump of Coal--
My parents liked to imprint false memories on us. They wouldn't just say, "You'll get coal in your stocking." They'd say, "Remember that year you got nothing but coal? Do you want that to happen again?"

Didn't take long to figure out that the Christmas pictures didn't bear out their account.
posted by jrossi4r at 11:57 AM on November 16, 2005

Check out Devid Sedaris' stories, I have an audio book from a live reading he did at Carnegie Hall, I assume its from Holidays on ice, he travels a lot and likes to learn about local customs in other countries he visits. His stories on what other countries believe about Santa Claus is hilarious.

"Santa visits children every night with 6 to 8 black men????"
posted by skrike at 12:29 PM on November 16, 2005

If you're not good, Santa Claus won't just not bring you presents, he'll take you away. You'll never see your family or friends ever again.
posted by nixerman at 12:29 PM on November 16, 2005

Santa's presence at every single shopping plaza was fodder for many schoolyard debates.

How did Santa manage to go to the St. Laurent mall and the Rideau Center at the very same time, for weeks leading up to the holiday?

The prevailing explanation was that the "Mall Santas" weren't really Santa--just some of Santa's "helpers."

This theory was later reinforced in what some consider the greatest film of all time--Home Alone.

I second the Sedaris recommendation.
posted by SassHat at 12:37 PM on November 16, 2005

If you're especially bad, he won't leave any presents AND he'll take last year's gifts back.
posted by pmbuko at 2:40 PM on November 16, 2005

Not exactly terrifying, but I believed Santa Clause was an expert locksmith, because we didn't have a fireplace.
posted by RobotHero at 3:13 PM on November 16, 2005

If you're not good, Santa will not only tell the Easter Bunny that you're a bad kid, he'll tell the Tooth Fairy too!
posted by deborah at 4:07 PM on November 16, 2005

Be good or you'll get diaper pins. Outdated and perverse! My mom was a b*tch 'til she got alzheimers. Now she has an excuse.
posted by Goofyy at 2:43 AM on November 17, 2005