How to deal with differently sized guest lists at a small wedding?
December 1, 2014 8:37 PM
My boyfriend and I are announcing our engagement soon (yay!). While we'd both prefer a smallish wedding, our guest lists are very mismatched depending on how we restrict the guest list. How can we make this non-awkward?
Background: BF and I are 26, together for 7 years. We currently live in City A, but the wedding will likely be in City B, where I grew up and we both went to college and where we plan on moving next summer. I still have a group of friends in City B that I'm close to (but whom he doesn't know that well). BF has lost touch with most of his college friends. He moved to City A a few years after I did, and doesn't have any friends here he'd want to invite either.
He pretty much sees the wedding as a formality that we're doing for our families. I'm a bit more sentimental about it, and like the idea of bringing together the people close to us and want it to be something we look back on fondly. Money is not really an issue for the guest list sizes we're considering.
The options we've considered:
-Eloping: Not an option. This would deeply hurt both our parents and would be unsatisfying to me.
-Family only: This leaves his side awkwardly larger than mine. His immediate family includes his mom, sister, and 3 older brothers, all scattered across the country. The brothers are all married with tween kids, so depending on who came this would be 10-14 people. On my side I'd have my parents and that's it, which seems a little sad. Possibly my aunt, uncle, and cousin, but for reasons that are a whole other AskMe, that'd make me feel worse/more stressed than only having my parents.
-Family and Friends: The problem with this is that he doesn't have any friends he'd want to invite. Maaaaybe 1. This is unlikely to change much before the wedding, given the move this summer and previous experience. So it'd be his family (10-14 people), my parents, and ~10 of my friends. None of the 3 groups know each other and this just seems like it'd be...awkward? Especially for BF. No one involved is really outdoorsy or DIY inclined, so something like a backyard BBQ isn't an option, especially since there isn't a backyard to have it in.
Question: I guess our question is, how can we have a non-awkward wedding given the disparity in the numbers of our family/friends? Are there ways to slice the guest list that we're not seeing? Or formats that would make it feel less like 3 disparate groups of people? Neither of us is particularly socially graceful, and all these potential guest lists seem a bit like landmines.
Background: BF and I are 26, together for 7 years. We currently live in City A, but the wedding will likely be in City B, where I grew up and we both went to college and where we plan on moving next summer. I still have a group of friends in City B that I'm close to (but whom he doesn't know that well). BF has lost touch with most of his college friends. He moved to City A a few years after I did, and doesn't have any friends here he'd want to invite either.
He pretty much sees the wedding as a formality that we're doing for our families. I'm a bit more sentimental about it, and like the idea of bringing together the people close to us and want it to be something we look back on fondly. Money is not really an issue for the guest list sizes we're considering.
The options we've considered:
-Eloping: Not an option. This would deeply hurt both our parents and would be unsatisfying to me.
-Family only: This leaves his side awkwardly larger than mine. His immediate family includes his mom, sister, and 3 older brothers, all scattered across the country. The brothers are all married with tween kids, so depending on who came this would be 10-14 people. On my side I'd have my parents and that's it, which seems a little sad. Possibly my aunt, uncle, and cousin, but for reasons that are a whole other AskMe, that'd make me feel worse/more stressed than only having my parents.
-Family and Friends: The problem with this is that he doesn't have any friends he'd want to invite. Maaaaybe 1. This is unlikely to change much before the wedding, given the move this summer and previous experience. So it'd be his family (10-14 people), my parents, and ~10 of my friends. None of the 3 groups know each other and this just seems like it'd be...awkward? Especially for BF. No one involved is really outdoorsy or DIY inclined, so something like a backyard BBQ isn't an option, especially since there isn't a backyard to have it in.
Question: I guess our question is, how can we have a non-awkward wedding given the disparity in the numbers of our family/friends? Are there ways to slice the guest list that we're not seeing? Or formats that would make it feel less like 3 disparate groups of people? Neither of us is particularly socially graceful, and all these potential guest lists seem a bit like landmines.
He's bringing his blood family, you're bringing your chosen family, it's all good.
posted by Hermione Granger at 8:46 PM on December 1, 2014
posted by Hermione Granger at 8:46 PM on December 1, 2014
I may be missing something and other experts can correct me, but I'm not sure there's a philosophy of having a "balanced" guest list between both sides as a necesssary thing. You should both invite the number of people you can reasonably accomodate, starting with the people who are closest and important to you. People will come because they love and care about you, and likely will not be nearly as concerned about how many are on each side.
To put it another way, you should each feel free to invite those who you love and want to have celebrate with you, and not feel hindered by the family size or friends of the other. We all come from different backgrounds and family sizes, and I think the idea is simply to share the day with those who love and care about you. If properly socialized, your guests should roll with it, whatever that ends up looking like.
posted by SpacemanStix at 8:47 PM on December 1, 2014
To put it another way, you should each feel free to invite those who you love and want to have celebrate with you, and not feel hindered by the family size or friends of the other. We all come from different backgrounds and family sizes, and I think the idea is simply to share the day with those who love and care about you. If properly socialized, your guests should roll with it, whatever that ends up looking like.
posted by SpacemanStix at 8:47 PM on December 1, 2014
Weddings are almost always disparate groups of people. I understand that it may feel slightly weird with such a small overall guest list, but I wouldn't worry about it.
posted by jaguar at 8:49 PM on December 1, 2014
posted by jaguar at 8:49 PM on December 1, 2014
To clarify, mingling is...unlikely. My friends are all in their 20s (and mostly all know each other). Besides his mom and sister, his family is either early 40s or tweens and don't get many chances to see each other. My parents, aunt and uncle speak english well, but as a second language. There seems to be a pretty realistic possibility that the groups wouldn't speak to each other really...
posted by matildatakesovertheworld at 8:52 PM on December 1, 2014
posted by matildatakesovertheworld at 8:52 PM on December 1, 2014
If you mix them up when it comes to seating, they will make small talk and may even enjoy themselves. It may help to think about about e.g. people's senses of humour when you're planning the arrangement, but age and background aren't a barrier to chitchat. You'd be surprised how well people can get along when you trust them to do that.
posted by cotton dress sock at 8:56 PM on December 1, 2014
posted by cotton dress sock at 8:56 PM on December 1, 2014
I have a huge family. Mr Shazzam! has a small family. He has more life-long friends, I have less. We had approximately equal numbers at our white wedding, just with different mishmashes of people. At our Chinese wedding, he knew hardly anyone in my birth country, and tradition called for my parents to involve a huge number of guests on their part. Whatever, he enjoyed it just as much! A wedding is not about equal numbers or dividing everything in half, nor is it about drawing lines in the sand about friends vs family. Invite who you want to, and enjoy the day.
PS, I've been to many weddings with disparate age groups (including mine - there's a huge age difference between my husband and I) - you'd be surprised how committed people are to mingling and getting to know each other. After all, it's a common love for the wedded couple that have brought everyone there together.
posted by shazzam! at 9:05 PM on December 1, 2014
PS, I've been to many weddings with disparate age groups (including mine - there's a huge age difference between my husband and I) - you'd be surprised how committed people are to mingling and getting to know each other. After all, it's a common love for the wedded couple that have brought everyone there together.
posted by shazzam! at 9:05 PM on December 1, 2014
I am planning my wedding right now. It is too small to invite "everyone". I was struggling with figuring out how to balance this... I wanted to invite people from group B, but I felt like I couldn't do that unless I invited everyone from group A who was theoretically higher in the pecking order but not as close. Then when I was out with some of these friends and enjoying the feeling of community I had around me, I had an epiphany. I can do whatever I want! If I want to have the community there that knows me best, and knows me and my partner in our most honest and genuine form, and skip a few cousins and uncles who I only ever see at Christmas, I can do that. If people get offended that's on them. The last thing I want to be feeling on ny wedding day is anxious and worried about other people. God help us.
I see the wedding as about humanity, truth, genuineness. There is nothing more human than telling someone, "I want you there". Listen to your heart and don't be afraid to take a risk. As for your partner, let him choose the people he wants to have there. Let the guests worry about entertaining themselves. As long as you feed them and give them a comfy setting in which to be, they will be fine. Weddings are also about people coming together. People will mingle as much as they like. Congratulations, by the way.
posted by PercussivePaul at 9:10 PM on December 1, 2014
I see the wedding as about humanity, truth, genuineness. There is nothing more human than telling someone, "I want you there". Listen to your heart and don't be afraid to take a risk. As for your partner, let him choose the people he wants to have there. Let the guests worry about entertaining themselves. As long as you feed them and give them a comfy setting in which to be, they will be fine. Weddings are also about people coming together. People will mingle as much as they like. Congratulations, by the way.
posted by PercussivePaul at 9:10 PM on December 1, 2014
Yep, mingle 'em, and give some thought to entertainment that might transcend any perceived cultural and language divides. One of the most fun and memorable weddings I attended had a lot of older family who didn't speak much English with confidence, so there weren't too many in-depth conversations, but oh, the dancing and the food and the toasts and the laughter. What all the guests have in common -- at least, they should do if you're inviting them -- is that they want to give you the best day and have a good party doing so.
posted by holgate at 9:11 PM on December 1, 2014
posted by holgate at 9:11 PM on December 1, 2014
Weddings aren't about family and friends mingling and making friends, they're about people who care about you getting together and celebrating your commitment.
If you want these people there (and it sounds like you do), invite them! How is your fiancé going to get comfortable with your friends if you don't invite them to events with him because he might feel weird, not knowing them very well?
Invite family and friends, have a short ceremony and reception with hors d'oeuvres and no big formal sit-down meal (if you prefer, this option may be easier to get through for a bunch of folks who don't know each other), it'll be fun and a fantastic memory, I promise!
posted by treehorn+bunny at 9:12 PM on December 1, 2014
If you want these people there (and it sounds like you do), invite them! How is your fiancé going to get comfortable with your friends if you don't invite them to events with him because he might feel weird, not knowing them very well?
Invite family and friends, have a short ceremony and reception with hors d'oeuvres and no big formal sit-down meal (if you prefer, this option may be easier to get through for a bunch of folks who don't know each other), it'll be fun and a fantastic memory, I promise!
posted by treehorn+bunny at 9:12 PM on December 1, 2014
This is pretty much what all weddings are like, except with two fewer groups of people -- usually there's a 'his friends' and a 'couple friends' group in there who also don't really socialize with each other. It's not necessary to force them to socialize with each other, and whether they do or they don't will have little bearing on how much they enjoy your wedding. Families are happy to use weddings as an excuse to gather and so are friends and the ones who are particularly gregarious will mingle between the groups, but for the most part, this is why weddings have seating charts. Don't stick with strict tables of 10 if you've got differently sized groups that belong together. Adjust the table sizes to get the groups you'd like.
Groups will group and occasionally bump into each other during the macarena. All will be right with the world.
posted by jacquilynne at 9:17 PM on December 1, 2014
Groups will group and occasionally bump into each other during the macarena. All will be right with the world.
posted by jacquilynne at 9:17 PM on December 1, 2014
matildatakesovertheworld: "None of the 3 groups know each other and this just seems like it'd be...awkward?"
Nawwww, it's fine, the have plenty to talk about because they all know YOU.
At my own personal wedding, I had EIGHTY (80) family members. My husband had TWO. I come from a very large family. He comes from a very small one. It provided much amusement for everyone (except the ushers, who had to keep explaining, "it's all the bride's side.") because it was such a LARGE disparity, but it was no big deal at all. Some people's families are bigger than others. My family went out of their way to make sure his was included and weren't stuck awkwardly in a corner not talking to anyone.
Really probably my husband had the worst of it because he felt like he should KNOW all 80 of those people and I think he'd only mastered around half of them by the time the wedding rolled around. But no, we still joke about it, it was not awkward at all.
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 9:18 PM on December 1, 2014
Nawwww, it's fine, the have plenty to talk about because they all know YOU.
At my own personal wedding, I had EIGHTY (80) family members. My husband had TWO. I come from a very large family. He comes from a very small one. It provided much amusement for everyone (except the ushers, who had to keep explaining, "it's all the bride's side.") because it was such a LARGE disparity, but it was no big deal at all. Some people's families are bigger than others. My family went out of their way to make sure his was included and weren't stuck awkwardly in a corner not talking to anyone.
Really probably my husband had the worst of it because he felt like he should KNOW all 80 of those people and I think he'd only mastered around half of them by the time the wedding rolled around. But no, we still joke about it, it was not awkward at all.
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 9:18 PM on December 1, 2014
I don't think I've ever been to a wedding where the bride's side vs. groom's side numbers were an issue at all. Who cares? Invite who you want to invite. You're lucky you can afford to have everyone you want to have. I also haven't really mingled much with people I didn't already know at weddings, so I don't think this is a factor at all.
posted by Sara C. at 9:20 PM on December 1, 2014
posted by Sara C. at 9:20 PM on December 1, 2014
Yeah, I am with those who say not to try to achieve symmetry in relations but try for a rough balance in numbers. I am a few months out from a hitching myself and the imminent missus and I come from unequal-calibre families. She will be inviting such family as we see at holiday meals (at the resolution of parents, siblings and first cousins as well as spouses of the above). For her that is about half a dozen people; applying the same filter on my side gets us close to thirty more attendees. On the other hand, she works for a small business with a handful of colleagues; I work for a non-profit with probably a thousand people across the country and none of whom I am close enough with to invite. And there are friends. Because of the bigger family I am responsible for maybe 60% of the invitees, but that works well for both of us.
posted by ricochet biscuit at 9:23 PM on December 1, 2014
posted by ricochet biscuit at 9:23 PM on December 1, 2014
Final comment and then I'll step out of the thread:
My concern is that it'll be weird because of the small overall size of the wedding, 20-30 people total. Given that the groups seem unlikely to interact (really, I promise, they won't), it seems like it'll devolve to my boyfriend's family in one corner, my friends in another, and my parents standing awkwardly on their own.
I think I'd feel less weird about it if the numbers were bigger (eg 30 people from his family, plus 20 friends of mine), or the numbers were more evenly split between his family/my family/friends. It's the combination of the uneveness and the small overall size that I feel weird about.
posted by matildatakesovertheworld at 9:28 PM on December 1, 2014
My concern is that it'll be weird because of the small overall size of the wedding, 20-30 people total. Given that the groups seem unlikely to interact (really, I promise, they won't), it seems like it'll devolve to my boyfriend's family in one corner, my friends in another, and my parents standing awkwardly on their own.
I think I'd feel less weird about it if the numbers were bigger (eg 30 people from his family, plus 20 friends of mine), or the numbers were more evenly split between his family/my family/friends. It's the combination of the uneveness and the small overall size that I feel weird about.
posted by matildatakesovertheworld at 9:28 PM on December 1, 2014
If the issue is your parents standing awkward in a corner with nobody to talk to, why not invite some friends of theirs or someone you know they'll interact with?
posted by Sara C. at 9:31 PM on December 1, 2014
posted by Sara C. at 9:31 PM on December 1, 2014
Given that the groups seem unlikely to interact (really, I promise, they won't), it seems like it'll devolve to my boyfriend's family in one corner, my friends in another, and my parents standing awkwardly on their own.
Okay. Your boyfriend's family and your family will all be your family when you're married. Seat your parents with your boyfriend's family. They will surely have plenty to talk about. Who cares if you friends and family mingle.
posted by i_am_a_fiesta at 9:32 PM on December 1, 2014
Okay. Your boyfriend's family and your family will all be your family when you're married. Seat your parents with your boyfriend's family. They will surely have plenty to talk about. Who cares if you friends and family mingle.
posted by i_am_a_fiesta at 9:32 PM on December 1, 2014
Your parents are the odd ones out, for sure, but just seat them next to his parents and they can regale each other with stories about that time when you were a 4 and you came downstairs naked during your parents' cocktail party and how when he was 7 a girl kissed him on the playground and he washed his own mouth out with soap and that time when...
You get the picture. Telling embarrassing stories about your kids is a time-honoured bonding ritual.
posted by jacquilynne at 9:33 PM on December 1, 2014
You get the picture. Telling embarrassing stories about your kids is a time-honoured bonding ritual.
posted by jacquilynne at 9:33 PM on December 1, 2014
My concern is that it'll be weird because of the small overall size of the wedding, 20-30 people total. Given that the groups seem unlikely to interact (really, I promise, they won't), it seems like it'll devolve to my boyfriend's family in one corner, my friends in another, and my parents standing awkwardly on their own.
If your boyfriend's family won't include your parents or your parents won't mingle with your boyfriend's family, then that dynamic doesn't change if you don't invite the friends. It sounds like you're having anxiety about your parents fitting in, not really about who else to invite. The solution to that is likely inviting other family members they will talk to, or figuring out which friends they might like and explicitly designating those friends as your parent-minders.
posted by jaguar at 9:53 PM on December 1, 2014
If your boyfriend's family won't include your parents or your parents won't mingle with your boyfriend's family, then that dynamic doesn't change if you don't invite the friends. It sounds like you're having anxiety about your parents fitting in, not really about who else to invite. The solution to that is likely inviting other family members they will talk to, or figuring out which friends they might like and explicitly designating those friends as your parent-minders.
posted by jaguar at 9:53 PM on December 1, 2014
You're overthinking it. We had 38 people at our wedding. A significant portion spoke English as a second language. Our friends only sorta knew each other. Two sets of divorced parents. Guests of all ages and beliefs. We made them all mingle (well, not the divorced couples with each other) and they did just fine.
Also, congratulations!
posted by ethidda at 10:10 PM on December 1, 2014
Also, congratulations!
posted by ethidda at 10:10 PM on December 1, 2014
Ultimately, you can't control other people's social choices. It's not your responsibility to make people mingle with each other and have a mingly good time at your wedding. I would guess that probably your guests from either side will chat with each other to some extent because that's what people do at weddings, but if it doesn't happen, it's really fine and nobody will be looking at you thinking "You have trapped us all here in your Den of Awkwardness."
I say, invite all the people you would like to have present for the occasion. If you think your parents will have nobody they're comfortable talking with, invite a couple of their best friends, too. It doesn't matter if you're not close with them. If you invite your boyfriend's "Maaaaybe 1" friend, give the friend a plus-one (and if the friend isn't married or dating anyone, let them know they can bring a platonic date). I think it's more important to make sure everyone has someone they're comfortable talking with than to try to smoothly emulsify the different groups of friends and family. Most people gravitate towards socializing with the people they already know and I think you should just let them do it. I doubt it will feel as awkward to your guests as you are imagining.
If your friends and your boyfriend's family each add up to groups of 10+, they probably won't all huddle "in a corner" as you imagine. That size of group is too large for sustained conversation and will naturally break down in to smaller conversational units of 2-4 people. So instead of two large groups with your parents in the middle, you're more likely to have, say, six or eight small groups scattered around the room at any one time. And they'll break up and re-combine over the course of a couple hours. If you choose a small venue that kind of squishes the crowd together (e.g. the living room of a fancy B&B) people will be more likely to hop from group to group rather than establish camps on either side of the space. I think a stand-up cocktail party type of reception would also facilitate social circulation more than a sit-down dinner.
posted by Orinda at 10:13 PM on December 1, 2014
I say, invite all the people you would like to have present for the occasion. If you think your parents will have nobody they're comfortable talking with, invite a couple of their best friends, too. It doesn't matter if you're not close with them. If you invite your boyfriend's "Maaaaybe 1" friend, give the friend a plus-one (and if the friend isn't married or dating anyone, let them know they can bring a platonic date). I think it's more important to make sure everyone has someone they're comfortable talking with than to try to smoothly emulsify the different groups of friends and family. Most people gravitate towards socializing with the people they already know and I think you should just let them do it. I doubt it will feel as awkward to your guests as you are imagining.
If your friends and your boyfriend's family each add up to groups of 10+, they probably won't all huddle "in a corner" as you imagine. That size of group is too large for sustained conversation and will naturally break down in to smaller conversational units of 2-4 people. So instead of two large groups with your parents in the middle, you're more likely to have, say, six or eight small groups scattered around the room at any one time. And they'll break up and re-combine over the course of a couple hours. If you choose a small venue that kind of squishes the crowd together (e.g. the living room of a fancy B&B) people will be more likely to hop from group to group rather than establish camps on either side of the space. I think a stand-up cocktail party type of reception would also facilitate social circulation more than a sit-down dinner.
posted by Orinda at 10:13 PM on December 1, 2014
My son's wedding was like this. There were about 200 of them from all over the US, and about 25 of us, but it didn't matter at all.
The wedding was as perfect as a day can be. The disparity in numbers had NO EFFECT AT ALL on the wonderfulness of the day. We all shared the same joy.
G
posted by gnossos at 10:14 PM on December 1, 2014
The wedding was as perfect as a day can be. The disparity in numbers had NO EFFECT AT ALL on the wonderfulness of the day. We all shared the same joy.
G
posted by gnossos at 10:14 PM on December 1, 2014
They won't huddle in corners. Really! Your parents will likely want to get to know your in laws (and why is it that your parents don't know any of your friends? Perhaps they'd like to meet them too) You can pretty easily make sure there isn't a lot of down time. People just need to sit quietly during the ceremony, and then afterwards you can go straight to food and music, and we also did short speeches and a fun slideshow of baby photos/silly childhood photos. The most common awkward downtime I've noticed during weddings is the time between the ceremony and the reception. Typically, people transport themselves to a second location and mill around (maybe eating appetizers) until the wedding party arrives after a photo session. We eliminated that at my wedding by holding the ceremony and the reception in the same location, and doing the photo session before the ceremony. It was nontraditional, but I didn't care about my husband seeing me in the dress for the first time at the ceremony, and the flow of the event was so much better that way.
I commented with similar sentiments earlier, but wanted to qualify my comments by saying that my wedding had just under 40 people at it, only about 10 of them were there as invitees of my spouse, the rest were my friends and family. It wasn't awkward at all. I had it in the garden/backyard of a B&B and the wedding party all stayed at the B&B - within a few hours (and with a few drinks), people who had been complete strangers were palling around like old friends and playing games together. All my favorite people in one place, a beautiful day, great music, delicious food… it was one of the best days of my life, hands down. Hope yours is too.
posted by treehorn+bunny at 10:34 PM on December 1, 2014
I commented with similar sentiments earlier, but wanted to qualify my comments by saying that my wedding had just under 40 people at it, only about 10 of them were there as invitees of my spouse, the rest were my friends and family. It wasn't awkward at all. I had it in the garden/backyard of a B&B and the wedding party all stayed at the B&B - within a few hours (and with a few drinks), people who had been complete strangers were palling around like old friends and playing games together. All my favorite people in one place, a beautiful day, great music, delicious food… it was one of the best days of my life, hands down. Hope yours is too.
posted by treehorn+bunny at 10:34 PM on December 1, 2014
It's fine. Most of the wedding guest questions that come up are either "we don't have the money/space to invite everyone who we feel we should, how do we minimize hurt feelings" or "there is someone who I am obligated to invite even though they are a horrendous bigot/belligerent drunk/catty gossip, how do I prevent this from descending into disaster". A lot of the people who ask those questions still wind up having great weddings, that their friends and family remember fondly. You will have a great wedding that your friends and family remember fondly.
Presumably, given that you want these people at your wedding, they are likely all decent human beings who can figure out how to interact with one another. Interacting with strangers at weddings/funerals/etc. is a skill, but it's one that most adult people pick up sooner or later.
Are there any pre-wedding events? Maybe even just a small dinner with your parents and his parents and the two of you may help the dynamics a little. Is there going to be music/dancing/etc.?
posted by kagredon at 10:48 PM on December 1, 2014
Presumably, given that you want these people at your wedding, they are likely all decent human beings who can figure out how to interact with one another. Interacting with strangers at weddings/funerals/etc. is a skill, but it's one that most adult people pick up sooner or later.
Are there any pre-wedding events? Maybe even just a small dinner with your parents and his parents and the two of you may help the dynamics a little. Is there going to be music/dancing/etc.?
posted by kagredon at 10:48 PM on December 1, 2014
You're really overthinking this mingling thing. I know you said to just "believe you" but look, this is just the nature of weddings. You have friends in their 20s, grandparents, middle-aged co-workers, the children of these various people, etc. Everyone going to the wedding knows there are going to be all these different people from the couple's various "worlds" (friends, family, work, college friends, hobby friends, etc.). Nobody is suprised by this when they arrive at a wedding. Everyone has been to weddings before. So you sit down at people who are nothing like you and you say "So how do you know the couple?" and you make conversation. It's a basic social skill and if you're people don't have this skill, then it's nice of you to give them the chance to develop it.
Remember that all the guests do have something in common: You two! Hell, half the fun of a wedding is hearing stories about your friend in their other worlds.
I went to a wedding recently where I was seated with the priest and the groom's former co-seminarians (pro-tip: don't tell you super-Catholic friend to seat you with the single men). We're nothing alike. We have nothing in common. We had a lovely time. You've been to weddings, right? Did you really refuse to speak to anyone who you didn't know or wasn't demographically like you? You and your groom went to weddings with your parents as kids (and probably also some weddings in common as adults), right? Did your family really just speak to each other and hid under the table if anyone else approached them?
They will mingle. And they might as well start mingling now because they have a lifetime of your (you and your spouse's) events (birthday parties, anniversaries, holiday dinners, child-related events if you decide to have kids, weekend barbecues and sad events that we need not bring up) to see each other at, forever.
posted by If only I had a penguin... at 10:53 PM on December 1, 2014
Remember that all the guests do have something in common: You two! Hell, half the fun of a wedding is hearing stories about your friend in their other worlds.
I went to a wedding recently where I was seated with the priest and the groom's former co-seminarians (pro-tip: don't tell you super-Catholic friend to seat you with the single men). We're nothing alike. We have nothing in common. We had a lovely time. You've been to weddings, right? Did you really refuse to speak to anyone who you didn't know or wasn't demographically like you? You and your groom went to weddings with your parents as kids (and probably also some weddings in common as adults), right? Did your family really just speak to each other and hid under the table if anyone else approached them?
They will mingle. And they might as well start mingling now because they have a lifetime of your (you and your spouse's) events (birthday parties, anniversaries, holiday dinners, child-related events if you decide to have kids, weekend barbecues and sad events that we need not bring up) to see each other at, forever.
posted by If only I had a penguin... at 10:53 PM on December 1, 2014
The wedding isn't about the guests. They will go to tons of weddings. It's about you. You'll only get married once (probably). Invite who you want to be there, and let them figure out how to socialise & enjoy themselves.
I agree with seating your parents with your boyfriend's family.
posted by EndsOfInvention at 12:15 AM on December 2, 2014
I agree with seating your parents with your boyfriend's family.
posted by EndsOfInvention at 12:15 AM on December 2, 2014
I disagree that the wedding isn't about the guests, and I'm glad that you're worrying that people might be uncomfortable. I do agree that you should invite all the people that you want to celebrate your wedding with you.
I think mingling is overrated. I rarely enjoy it. And yes, many people will avoid doing it. Here's what I suggest.
- Let your parents and anyone else who doesn't know anyone bring a friend.
- Sit people with people they know. I went to a wedding at a restaurant that was smallish, and everyone was seated at varying sized tables with people they new well. Had a fab time.
- Keep it short. Mingling is hard work. Do not force your friends and family to hang around chatting to each other for three hours while you take photos.
- Booze. And if you think people will be up for it, dancing.
posted by kjs4 at 12:52 AM on December 2, 2014
I think mingling is overrated. I rarely enjoy it. And yes, many people will avoid doing it. Here's what I suggest.
- Let your parents and anyone else who doesn't know anyone bring a friend.
- Sit people with people they know. I went to a wedding at a restaurant that was smallish, and everyone was seated at varying sized tables with people they new well. Had a fab time.
- Keep it short. Mingling is hard work. Do not force your friends and family to hang around chatting to each other for three hours while you take photos.
- Booze. And if you think people will be up for it, dancing.
posted by kjs4 at 12:52 AM on December 2, 2014
Oh, I was so nervous about the mingling thing too! Our wedding was 10% my family, 10% my friends, 50% his family, and 30% his (and our, but mainly his) friends (we had about 40 guests). I was scared that his family would treat it as a family reunion and ignore everyone else, I was worried that my family (who are not the most social people) would huddle in a corner, I was anxious that his friends wouldn't like my friends...
But you know what? Weddings bring out the best in people. Everyone has something in common - they love you. So they're happy to be there, and they're having a good time, by default (but good food and booze helps). And at least some of them will make an effort to get to know new people. And the rest just follows naturally...
6 months after our wedding, my urban hipster sister is swapping gluten free recipes via email with my husband's shy, rural American cousin who is in her 50s. My dad is getting into bluegrass music courtesy of recommendations from a friend of my husband's. A high school friend of my husband's is going to visit a friend of mine in France. My mother and mother-in-law talk more often with each other than they do with us. I did not expect any of these outcomes!
Invite who you want to invite. Make it easy for people to feel comfortable but also give them the opportunity to mingle (buffet food, dancing, or if you have allocated seats, a mix of people they know but also people they don't know on the table).
My advice - speak to the more social guests beforehand - ask them to introduce themselves to people they don't know - they'll be happy to do that, and that will help grease the mingling wheels... (don't try and do this yourself - delegate!)
And most importantly - enjoy your wedding day!
posted by finding.perdita at 1:10 AM on December 2, 2014
But you know what? Weddings bring out the best in people. Everyone has something in common - they love you. So they're happy to be there, and they're having a good time, by default (but good food and booze helps). And at least some of them will make an effort to get to know new people. And the rest just follows naturally...
6 months after our wedding, my urban hipster sister is swapping gluten free recipes via email with my husband's shy, rural American cousin who is in her 50s. My dad is getting into bluegrass music courtesy of recommendations from a friend of my husband's. A high school friend of my husband's is going to visit a friend of mine in France. My mother and mother-in-law talk more often with each other than they do with us. I did not expect any of these outcomes!
Invite who you want to invite. Make it easy for people to feel comfortable but also give them the opportunity to mingle (buffet food, dancing, or if you have allocated seats, a mix of people they know but also people they don't know on the table).
My advice - speak to the more social guests beforehand - ask them to introduce themselves to people they don't know - they'll be happy to do that, and that will help grease the mingling wheels... (don't try and do this yourself - delegate!)
And most importantly - enjoy your wedding day!
posted by finding.perdita at 1:10 AM on December 2, 2014
We're planning our wedding now and one idea that came up was games. If you did some kind of bride-groom bar trivia contest, everyone would want your parents on the team because who else will know the answer to the inevitable question about you as a baby! That idea may or may not be your thing.
You're probably right, but you're also overthinking this. Have you asked your parents if they would mind being in a group like that? They would most likely say "we'll be so thrilled that we don't care if nobody talks to us the entire evening." But people will. They may not make hours of chit chat, but they will come pay their respects. Meeting people's families is part of what you do at weddings.
A third option (popular among the over thinkers like myself) is to straight up assign people to this job. "I'm really worried my parents will be alone. Would you be willing to talk to them from 7-7:30? At 7:30, Bob will interrupt you guys."
Last idea: this is a small enough group that, depending on how you set things up, it could stay more unified. Pick a small space, for example, and people can't head off into distant corners. Have more toasts and group activities.
Good luck figuring this out. At the end of the day, it's your wedding, you guys will be married, and your parents will be so thrilled and proud that these things will all pale in comparison. Congratulations!
posted by slidell at 1:55 AM on December 2, 2014
You're probably right, but you're also overthinking this. Have you asked your parents if they would mind being in a group like that? They would most likely say "we'll be so thrilled that we don't care if nobody talks to us the entire evening." But people will. They may not make hours of chit chat, but they will come pay their respects. Meeting people's families is part of what you do at weddings.
A third option (popular among the over thinkers like myself) is to straight up assign people to this job. "I'm really worried my parents will be alone. Would you be willing to talk to them from 7-7:30? At 7:30, Bob will interrupt you guys."
Last idea: this is a small enough group that, depending on how you set things up, it could stay more unified. Pick a small space, for example, and people can't head off into distant corners. Have more toasts and group activities.
Good luck figuring this out. At the end of the day, it's your wedding, you guys will be married, and your parents will be so thrilled and proud that these things will all pale in comparison. Congratulations!
posted by slidell at 1:55 AM on December 2, 2014
I would consider inviting a couple of family friends (ie. Friends of your parents) that you feel close enough to, who will keep your parents company. Seat them and your parents with your partner's parents.
posted by kinddieserzeit at 2:28 AM on December 2, 2014
posted by kinddieserzeit at 2:28 AM on December 2, 2014
This is very similar to what happened at our wedding. My husband comes from a large, close-knit family. I had four family members. I ended up inviting a few more close friends, but out of our 30 guests, 20 were his family members.
I thought it would be terribly awkward, but it was fine in the end. People mingled for a bit, natural groups formed loosely as expected, everyone met new people but no one felt pressured to hang out with strangers. This will be fine.
posted by third word on a random page at 3:32 AM on December 2, 2014
I thought it would be terribly awkward, but it was fine in the end. People mingled for a bit, natural groups formed loosely as expected, everyone met new people but no one felt pressured to hang out with strangers. This will be fine.
posted by third word on a random page at 3:32 AM on December 2, 2014
My husband has a large family and I only have my dad. But when we have large parties that include friends and family (my son's first birthday party springs to mind), I invite close family friends as well for my dad so he's got a crew he's comfortable with. I figure that to him, they are family he has chosen.
posted by amro at 5:02 AM on December 2, 2014
posted by amro at 5:02 AM on December 2, 2014
I think this is hard to imagine if you're a person who doesn't have this instinct, but a lot of your young friends would love to meet your parents and family -- if not to become instant cross-generational best friends, then to learn more about you and pay their respects to the people who raised you! Also, as nth-ed above, this is how weddings work.
posted by telegraph at 5:12 AM on December 2, 2014
posted by telegraph at 5:12 AM on December 2, 2014
My parents also had a small wedding. My dad was 22 and in the Navy, so not local to the area where they had the ceremony. Both of his parents had died by the time he was 19. He had a few friends and his sister attending on his "side". My mother was 26 and had been living and attending school in the area for several years. She has 3 sisters and a brother, and both of her parents were living. Her "side" of the guest list was way bigger. They still had a great ceremony and reception from what I can tell of the photos.
Think of it this way - even if it's awkward, the reception is a time-limited event. It won't be awkward forever! Plus, people WANT to enjoy themselves at a party. They'll have fun. I promise.
posted by chainsofreedom at 5:47 AM on December 2, 2014
Think of it this way - even if it's awkward, the reception is a time-limited event. It won't be awkward forever! Plus, people WANT to enjoy themselves at a party. They'll have fun. I promise.
posted by chainsofreedom at 5:47 AM on December 2, 2014
This is a non-issue. Invite all the people you want to celebrate with. At our wedding, Husbunny had 8 people and I had closer to 60. We ALL had a great time.
If he has a concentration of friends/family in a different city, have a party there sometime within your first year of marriage.
We did a tour of the west coast for our honeymoon and he met more of my friends. It all works out.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 6:04 AM on December 2, 2014
If he has a concentration of friends/family in a different city, have a party there sometime within your first year of marriage.
We did a tour of the west coast for our honeymoon and he met more of my friends. It all works out.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 6:04 AM on December 2, 2014
We had this problem at our wedding - I have a huge family, she has a tiny family, a lot of her friends couldn't afford to come, etc. It worked out just fine. A lot of my family did treat it as a family reunion and talk to each other a lot, but they talked to other people too. Her army buddies who could come drank with my high school (her college) roommate, my sisters played Ticket To Ride with two of my oldest friends, everyone loved her girlfriend (who'd been a little nervous), and a couple months later, everyone's Facebook friends and still talks about a good time they had.
At another smallish wedding I went to recently, it was family in one corner and friends in another, and you know what? It was fine. Friends had a good time together, family had a good time together, and everyone danced the chicken dance.
I agree with the above suggestions re: putting your parents with the rest of the family, and assigning people to your folks if you have to. Since you're looking at a small wedding, you should have more time to spend with your folks than you would at a larger wedding too (we have 50ish people and I barely saw my parents at the wedding itself), and I bet they'd appreciate that.
Congratulations!
posted by joycehealy at 6:44 AM on December 2, 2014
At another smallish wedding I went to recently, it was family in one corner and friends in another, and you know what? It was fine. Friends had a good time together, family had a good time together, and everyone danced the chicken dance.
I agree with the above suggestions re: putting your parents with the rest of the family, and assigning people to your folks if you have to. Since you're looking at a small wedding, you should have more time to spend with your folks than you would at a larger wedding too (we have 50ish people and I barely saw my parents at the wedding itself), and I bet they'd appreciate that.
Congratulations!
posted by joycehealy at 6:44 AM on December 2, 2014
So I'm not married, but I'm a frequent wedding guest (I love seeing my friends and family get hitched).
I was at a wedding last month where I knew 2 of the other guest really well...7 years ago. I knew a handful of other guests from one or two previous social interactions. So in total, besides the bride and groom, I knew about 6 people out of 120. I had a blast because:
--I was at a table with the 2 people I'd known from school and we got to catch up on our lives.
--There was no forced mingling, but it arose naturally through the cocktail hour/photo booth/buffet lines. Obviously everyone at your wedding knows and loves you, so the chitchat about how you know the bride/where you traveled from is easy as long as it doesn't have to be protracted.
No one will think it's awkward if there are different groups; that's a natural feature at most weddings I've attended. The only time I've been annoyed at a wedding was when I was seated at a table where I knew NO ONE for the dinner. (PSA: especially don't do this if your guest is coming solo to the wedding!) This kind of forced mingling sucks, IMO. Weddings are a great time for people to have mini-reunions. It's fine if it's your friends and his family who get to do so!
posted by TwoStride at 6:45 AM on December 2, 2014
I was at a wedding last month where I knew 2 of the other guest really well...7 years ago. I knew a handful of other guests from one or two previous social interactions. So in total, besides the bride and groom, I knew about 6 people out of 120. I had a blast because:
--I was at a table with the 2 people I'd known from school and we got to catch up on our lives.
--There was no forced mingling, but it arose naturally through the cocktail hour/photo booth/buffet lines. Obviously everyone at your wedding knows and loves you, so the chitchat about how you know the bride/where you traveled from is easy as long as it doesn't have to be protracted.
No one will think it's awkward if there are different groups; that's a natural feature at most weddings I've attended. The only time I've been annoyed at a wedding was when I was seated at a table where I knew NO ONE for the dinner. (PSA: especially don't do this if your guest is coming solo to the wedding!) This kind of forced mingling sucks, IMO. Weddings are a great time for people to have mini-reunions. It's fine if it's your friends and his family who get to do so!
posted by TwoStride at 6:45 AM on December 2, 2014
I attended a wedding last year with a similar sort of imbalance, except even more unbalanced numbers-wise, and the groom (who was on the low-numbers, not part of the primary culture represented end of things) asked my partner and me to help entertain his parents and just make sure they were okay/not overwhelmed/not getting shuffled off into a corner. I loved having this task, totally bonded with his parents, and it worked out great. I would just talk to a couple of your good friends and ask them to keep an eye on your folks, bring them into conversations if it looks like they're lonely, etc. It might not even be needed (I do think you might be underestimating how much people mingle at weddings because that's just what people do), but it will give you peace of mind that your parents won't get ignored or feel left out. Basically, I would invite all the people that you guys want to be there, designate a back-up plan to ensure your parents (who seem like they could be the odd ones out) won't get left out, and then trust in the power of weddings to encourage people to mingle and be merry.
You could also do a non-traditional reception with less unstructured mingle-time. For example, one friend of mine did a champagne toast after the wedding, followed by a desserts-only reception that was shorter than usual. Or, you could do a sit-down dinner with assigned seats where your parents are seated at a table with just you guys and his parents. Then you yourself will be able to make sure they're part of the conversation! There's no reason you HAVE to do dancing after dinner...it could just be dinner and then everyone says good night. Another option is to do a structured activity after the meal/hors d'ouerves/dessert/whatever food is being provided. For example, one couple I know took everyone to a bowling alley which they had rented out for the evening and we all did bowling after dinner... totally casual, in line with the vibe, and super fun.
posted by rainbowbrite at 7:32 AM on December 2, 2014
You could also do a non-traditional reception with less unstructured mingle-time. For example, one friend of mine did a champagne toast after the wedding, followed by a desserts-only reception that was shorter than usual. Or, you could do a sit-down dinner with assigned seats where your parents are seated at a table with just you guys and his parents. Then you yourself will be able to make sure they're part of the conversation! There's no reason you HAVE to do dancing after dinner...it could just be dinner and then everyone says good night. Another option is to do a structured activity after the meal/hors d'ouerves/dessert/whatever food is being provided. For example, one couple I know took everyone to a bowling alley which they had rented out for the evening and we all did bowling after dinner... totally casual, in line with the vibe, and super fun.
posted by rainbowbrite at 7:32 AM on December 2, 2014
Don't worry!
My wedding had 106 guests: fifty college friends (we were about two years out of school), a scant handful of my relatives, and the remainder were my wife's family. We were married 1300 miles from where I grew up, and most of my large clan simply didn't make the trip. This just wasn't a problem for two reasons:
1. We had a party later that summer in my parents' back yard that was awesome, and also almost as big as the original reception. (This probably doesn't apply to you?)
2. At most weddings there is little enough interplay among people, within tables and among them. Have you never been to a reception where you are at "the miscellaneous table"? You know, some tables are relatives, some are friends, and one table is The Land Of Unwanted Toys? I went to a wedding as the college friend/non-date of a girl whose college roommate was the sister of the bride (and so in the wedding party and thus never around us all night). We sat at a table with the Air Force friends, and were tucked into a nook almost out of sight of the main room -- but close to the bar, so who cares? We all knew we were the left-overs, and we laughed about it and all got along fine.
posted by wenestvedt at 8:48 AM on December 2, 2014
My wedding had 106 guests: fifty college friends (we were about two years out of school), a scant handful of my relatives, and the remainder were my wife's family. We were married 1300 miles from where I grew up, and most of my large clan simply didn't make the trip. This just wasn't a problem for two reasons:
1. We had a party later that summer in my parents' back yard that was awesome, and also almost as big as the original reception. (This probably doesn't apply to you?)
2. At most weddings there is little enough interplay among people, within tables and among them. Have you never been to a reception where you are at "the miscellaneous table"? You know, some tables are relatives, some are friends, and one table is The Land Of Unwanted Toys? I went to a wedding as the college friend/non-date of a girl whose college roommate was the sister of the bride (and so in the wedding party and thus never around us all night). We sat at a table with the Air Force friends, and were tucked into a nook almost out of sight of the main room -- but close to the bar, so who cares? We all knew we were the left-overs, and we laughed about it and all got along fine.
posted by wenestvedt at 8:48 AM on December 2, 2014
My two cents: Mingling totally happens. I've been to weddings where I literally only knew the bride or groom and nobody else, and I've been sitting with people of various generations, and it's always been totally fine and we've gotten beyond basic polite conversation into lively chatter for the night.
I was recently at a wedding where the father of the groom was incapacitated by a recent stroke. His speech is hard to understand right now, but everyone at our table made an effort to include him in the conversation and I could tell he was having a good time instead of just being sat there watching everyone else talking. So that might work with your family members whose English isn't flawless: Mix up the tables!
posted by vickyverky at 10:55 AM on December 2, 2014
I was recently at a wedding where the father of the groom was incapacitated by a recent stroke. His speech is hard to understand right now, but everyone at our table made an effort to include him in the conversation and I could tell he was having a good time instead of just being sat there watching everyone else talking. So that might work with your family members whose English isn't flawless: Mix up the tables!
posted by vickyverky at 10:55 AM on December 2, 2014
It sounds like you're having anxiety about your parents fitting in
If this is true, you could assign a particularly nice friend to sort of wait on them. I did this with my mom, who takes offense at everything always, and always feels ignored. This friend just checked in with her- made sure she had food, a seat, etc. so she wouldn't feel like the odd person out.
posted by small_ruminant at 11:01 AM on December 2, 2014
If this is true, you could assign a particularly nice friend to sort of wait on them. I did this with my mom, who takes offense at everything always, and always feels ignored. This friend just checked in with her- made sure she had food, a seat, etc. so she wouldn't feel like the odd person out.
posted by small_ruminant at 11:01 AM on December 2, 2014
My wedding was like this! My family travelled a long way and was therefore a small group, my wife's family is enormous and complex, plus a few friends, and the two sides didn't share a common language. It was fine. Don't overthink it, maybe get some people to help with the mingling, like small_ruminant said (my dad did yeoman's work).
Weddings are easy as long as everyone is on the same side and supports you. One thing we did do is seat people from my family separately but in pairs - that way they weren't one big foreign huddle but they also weren't adrift. Another probably less-relevant thing but I'll mention it just in case: we had some Scottish dances (with someone to organise them). In terms of dancing, a complete shambles, but in terms of changing partners, meeting people, and having fun: perfect!
Congratulations - it'll be fine and you'll do great!
posted by Wrinkled Stumpskin at 1:30 PM on December 2, 2014
Weddings are easy as long as everyone is on the same side and supports you. One thing we did do is seat people from my family separately but in pairs - that way they weren't one big foreign huddle but they also weren't adrift. Another probably less-relevant thing but I'll mention it just in case: we had some Scottish dances (with someone to organise them). In terms of dancing, a complete shambles, but in terms of changing partners, meeting people, and having fun: perfect!
Congratulations - it'll be fine and you'll do great!
posted by Wrinkled Stumpskin at 1:30 PM on December 2, 2014
Pretty much every wedding I have ever been to, of any size, has been various groups of people who didn't know each other. The only ones that were slightly weird were when people sat everyone according to who they already knew, instead of mixing it up. That meant that the rest of the evening the groups didn't mingle so much as the weddings where tables had a good mix. Everyone already has a conversational wedge, in that they know one or both of you. Everyone is most likely going to be polite and friendly and on their best behavior. And smaller weddings are better for mingling than large ones. If you are still worried about people going to stand in corners, 1) choose an intimate venue 2) realize that everyone is an adult and has to bear responsibility for their own happiness 3) it will all be fine.
posted by oneirodynia at 1:32 PM on December 2, 2014
posted by oneirodynia at 1:32 PM on December 2, 2014
Don't underestimate how much your friends and family want you to enjoy your wedding. If you're worried about particular people or groups being left out, you could ask a couple members of group X to be in charge of making sure that members of group Y feel comfortable and welcome. I found that folks at my wedding were more than happy to take on this type of "job." (Incidentally, we had a guest list composition mismatch also - my wife has a very large extended family that she is close with and I do not - and everyone had a great time.)
posted by heisenberg at 7:36 AM on December 3, 2014
posted by heisenberg at 7:36 AM on December 3, 2014
Thanks for the suggestions and reassurance, especially the people who chimed in that they had similar mismatches and it was fine, even if people didn't mingle (or that they mingled even when the bride/groom didn't think the would).
You've been to weddings, right? Did you really refuse to speak to anyone who you didn't know or wasn't demographically like you? You and your groom went to weddings with your parents as kids (and probably also some weddings in common as adults), right? Did your family really just speak to each other and hid under the table if anyone else approached them?
I actually hadn't been to a wedding until last summer, when I was a bridesmaid in one (and my parents have been to I think 2 in the past 20 years). And I am terrible at talking to strangers, especially ones I don't have any obvious things in common with. If I imagine myself as one of the guests, then I probably wouldn't mingle and might be kind of awkward about it. But of course my guests aren't me and there are at least some that are socially skilled, so in that sense you're probably right.
posted by matildatakesovertheworld at 11:41 AM on December 5, 2014
You've been to weddings, right? Did you really refuse to speak to anyone who you didn't know or wasn't demographically like you? You and your groom went to weddings with your parents as kids (and probably also some weddings in common as adults), right? Did your family really just speak to each other and hid under the table if anyone else approached them?
I actually hadn't been to a wedding until last summer, when I was a bridesmaid in one (and my parents have been to I think 2 in the past 20 years). And I am terrible at talking to strangers, especially ones I don't have any obvious things in common with. If I imagine myself as one of the guests, then I probably wouldn't mingle and might be kind of awkward about it. But of course my guests aren't me and there are at least some that are socially skilled, so in that sense you're probably right.
posted by matildatakesovertheworld at 11:41 AM on December 5, 2014
This thread is closed to new comments.
Don't stress, people will mingle. Maybe someone in his family will hit it off with one of your friends, you never know.
posted by charlemangy at 8:42 PM on December 1, 2014