Our son is bristling at other children, is this normal?
November 16, 2014 9:20 PM Subscribe
Our child recently is having a very hard time relating to other kids, which comes out in inappropriate and sometimes aggressive ways.
Our son is 3 months short of four. For the last several months, he has not taken well to other children. For example, sometimes when passing another child on the street who is not even paying any attention to him, he will scrunch up his face and say something like, "get out of here," or if we are in the store looking at a specific toy and another child passes, he sometimes will say to the child something like "hey, you can't play with this!", even when the other kid showed no interest. Sometimes he nearly growls at the other kids.
Usually, with some prompting, he will come around to semi normal relations with kids (for example, we were in the store and he was holding a toy truck. Another child came down the aisle and our son said, "he can't take this" loudly, but when I told him that wasn't nice, he handed the truck to the other kid and told him about the truck very nicely.
He did have somewhat of a bad first experience with preschool, where he went straight to going to full day preschool with no prior daycare or school experience. He cried all day for the first 4 days and we pulled him out. This set off a period of fearful thinking on his part (which has thankfully cleared up) and also this aggressive antisocial behaviour with other kids, which has not.
Please tell me this is something you have seen before and your child has left it in the past!
Our son is 3 months short of four. For the last several months, he has not taken well to other children. For example, sometimes when passing another child on the street who is not even paying any attention to him, he will scrunch up his face and say something like, "get out of here," or if we are in the store looking at a specific toy and another child passes, he sometimes will say to the child something like "hey, you can't play with this!", even when the other kid showed no interest. Sometimes he nearly growls at the other kids.
Usually, with some prompting, he will come around to semi normal relations with kids (for example, we were in the store and he was holding a toy truck. Another child came down the aisle and our son said, "he can't take this" loudly, but when I told him that wasn't nice, he handed the truck to the other kid and told him about the truck very nicely.
He did have somewhat of a bad first experience with preschool, where he went straight to going to full day preschool with no prior daycare or school experience. He cried all day for the first 4 days and we pulled him out. This set off a period of fearful thinking on his part (which has thankfully cleared up) and also this aggressive antisocial behaviour with other kids, which has not.
Please tell me this is something you have seen before and your child has left it in the past!
This sounds just like my son, who is around 3 1/2. When I pick him up at preschool he seem well socialize - having a lot of fun, being nice, liked, etc. but I've seen him experiment as frontmn23 says with different types of interactions. If we're going to the park and wants to bring a toy he'll start making up stories about how the other kids are going to take it, and yeah, I've totally seen him say 'you can't have this!' to kids who aren't showing the least bit of interest in him or his toys.
posted by snowymorninblues at 10:12 PM on November 16, 2014
posted by snowymorninblues at 10:12 PM on November 16, 2014
Seems relatively normal to me. My son is 3.5yrs and has been in full time daycare since 15mos. They do lots of work around socialization and he's generally a pretty friendly kid, but lately I've seen him be territorial over various things; sometimes toys, sometimes his parents, sometimes whether or not a kid can play in his general vicinity. I can usually trace his attitude back to his diet (if he's had too much sugar or something unusual for example), sometimes to his lack of proper sleep, and occasionally to some incident that he hasn't fully processed yet (a situation where he was not in or denied control, like if a kid at school pushed him, or if we made him get in the car when he wasn't ready because we were running late, etc). I usually try to just sit down with him and ask him how he's feeling and then go from there. He's usually right as rain once he's had a chance to talk it out.
posted by vignettist at 10:19 PM on November 16, 2014
posted by vignettist at 10:19 PM on November 16, 2014
Yes, agreeing with the others that my daughter went through a very similar phase when she was 3-ish. The "get away, this is mine" before another child is even within grabbing distance, as well as what snowymorningblues describes (When we get to the park and other kids try to take my toys) were common. I think they are trying to work out, as frontman suggests, their influence on others. They really are taking a great leap at that age and interacting socially with other kids to an extent that a toddler isn't, so it's going to be a bit barbaric, at first.
posted by aviatrix at 10:41 PM on November 16, 2014
posted by aviatrix at 10:41 PM on November 16, 2014
Best answer: Wow, the timing of this couldn't be better. My just turned three year old is doing everything mentioned in the comments plus more and tonight my husband and I were actually wondering how normal it was. Thanks for putting my mind at ease, even if I'm not the OP! So yes, OP, I'm definitely experiencing it. I know you didn't ask for solutions on how to manage it but, um, if anyone happens to have any this person will be reading closely.
posted by Jubey at 3:43 AM on November 17, 2014 [1 favorite]
posted by Jubey at 3:43 AM on November 17, 2014 [1 favorite]
Best answer: my son, now 6, did exactly this starting at about 3 1/2. Growling at passing kids (strangers) in the street, telling other children off for touching something in a store, the park thing (if I bring this someone will break it) etc.
At the time I found it incredibly upsetting and truly worrying!
He used to be so sunny and charming.
But it did get better and he generally does not growl at strange kids anymore, and can share toys in the park again.
Although we had a flare up in September when pre-school resumed (we were away for 6 weeks). I think it has to do with insecurity, and trying to figure out his place in the universe.
BTW I tried the "you would to want some strangeer do this (growl, insult etc) to you" approach, as recommended in some book I read - he replied by saying: if they did, I would hit them. Me: so if they hit you? He: well, I will kick him. Duh. So much for empathy.
But it does get better. I found it worked best if I ignore it if at all possible, kept walking and not commented on it. He knows it is wrong and comments by me usually only led into long defensive speeches in which he explained what the anonymous stranger supposedly did.
So now I just ask him (once we are past the stranger): are you tired? Or grumpy? or Hungry? Usually he was hungry and (therefore) grumpy. I bought one of those banana containers so as to have something to raise blood sugar that is not candy and it seems to help.
posted by 15L06 at 4:18 AM on November 17, 2014
At the time I found it incredibly upsetting and truly worrying!
He used to be so sunny and charming.
But it did get better and he generally does not growl at strange kids anymore, and can share toys in the park again.
Although we had a flare up in September when pre-school resumed (we were away for 6 weeks). I think it has to do with insecurity, and trying to figure out his place in the universe.
BTW I tried the "you would to want some strangeer do this (growl, insult etc) to you" approach, as recommended in some book I read - he replied by saying: if they did, I would hit them. Me: so if they hit you? He: well, I will kick him. Duh. So much for empathy.
But it does get better. I found it worked best if I ignore it if at all possible, kept walking and not commented on it. He knows it is wrong and comments by me usually only led into long defensive speeches in which he explained what the anonymous stranger supposedly did.
So now I just ask him (once we are past the stranger): are you tired? Or grumpy? or Hungry? Usually he was hungry and (therefore) grumpy. I bought one of those banana containers so as to have something to raise blood sugar that is not candy and it seems to help.
posted by 15L06 at 4:18 AM on November 17, 2014
And three and four years olds are generally little assholes. I mean, I love my three kids to pieces, but those ages were way more difficult than two for all three of them. My son just turned five and we are finally seeing glimpses of a civilized person lurking In There somewhere.
My daycare provider called it the "F You Fours". Truer words never spoken.
posted by purenitrous at 6:44 AM on November 17, 2014 [9 favorites]
My daycare provider called it the "F You Fours". Truer words never spoken.
posted by purenitrous at 6:44 AM on November 17, 2014 [9 favorites]
I too have a kid that age who does some of this: "No you can't have that! Grrrrrrr!" When the other kid is miles away.
And yes, I too would welcome advice!
posted by Omnomnom at 7:13 AM on November 18, 2014
And yes, I too would welcome advice!
posted by Omnomnom at 7:13 AM on November 18, 2014
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I really think it's just a phase of development where they're learning various ways to interface with the world and exert their influence on others. They're not good at it, because they've never done it before. They soon learn how to do it with persuasive argument, sweettalk, and good old fashioned emotional manipulation instead, just like grownups!
posted by frontmn23 at 9:43 PM on November 16, 2014 [3 favorites]