A question about therapy
November 2, 2014 3:16 PM Subscribe
I often see recommendations on MeFi that people should seek counseling/therapy. In your direct experience, how has therapy affected you (or, less preferably, someone you know very well)? To be artless about it, therapy (I suppose) is supposed to help you change from one kind of person to another. To the extent you feel comfortable posting about it, can you explain the effect(s) on a particular person (ideally, you) that you have seen from therapy? How does it change one's personhood/capacity/inner life/ability to do stuff?
It's not for everybody. Specifically, it's not for me. At all. I have never, ever left a therapist's office feeling better; instead, I am reminded that I am depressed, and I'm reminded of all the reasons I am depressed, plus I get the additional dose of depression that comes from having to pay someone an exorbitant price to kind of listen and barely pretend to care.
YMMV.
posted by Sys Rq at 3:34 PM on November 2, 2014 [10 favorites]
YMMV.
posted by Sys Rq at 3:34 PM on November 2, 2014 [10 favorites]
Therapy, when it's done right, helps you process experiences you've had in the past, which are now causing you to do things that aren't in your best interest now. My Dad's a behaviorist, so I'm biased in thinking that rather than a shoulder to cry on, a therapist is someone who can guide you to better things.
My Dad's pat question is, "what keeps you from doing X?" Seems kind of obvious, but if you want to do X, then talking through your thought process about why you're not doing it is pretty helpful.
When I had depression with a chronic illness in college, therapy helped me deal with the helpless and listless feelings I had. What changed was my outlook. I still have that chronic disease, but I don't let it run me and I don't feel guilty if I'm just to enervated to get up and do stuff.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 3:36 PM on November 2, 2014 [11 favorites]
My Dad's pat question is, "what keeps you from doing X?" Seems kind of obvious, but if you want to do X, then talking through your thought process about why you're not doing it is pretty helpful.
When I had depression with a chronic illness in college, therapy helped me deal with the helpless and listless feelings I had. What changed was my outlook. I still have that chronic disease, but I don't let it run me and I don't feel guilty if I'm just to enervated to get up and do stuff.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 3:36 PM on November 2, 2014 [11 favorites]
My husband has gone to therapy at times of difficulty and transition, not at all to "change from one kind of person to another" but rather to gain insight from a reliable subject matter expert into what kinds of behaviors typically lead to greater happiness, and to learn tools to incorporate those behaviors into his life. It's been enormously helpful to him and he continues to see the guy when he runs into particularly stressful periods.
posted by fingersandtoes at 3:38 PM on November 2, 2014 [3 favorites]
posted by fingersandtoes at 3:38 PM on November 2, 2014 [3 favorites]
I'm in therapy right now after suffering a great deal of pain and loss in the past year (you can see my questions to get an idea). The psychologist I'm seeing is a grief therapist and has helped me a great deal in several ways. First, by giving me a safe space to vent and talk about my feelings, something I have a lot of difficulty with, as I am usually a "very strong person" to everyone that knows me, yet on the inside I do still have a lot of pain and doubts and remorse about a lot of things. Second, the therapist has made me realize that a lot of the anxiety I have right now for obvious reasons, I used to have before, for less obvious reasons and so it was anxiety that was sort of messing with my head without being acknowledged by myself. Even though she is a grief therapist we don't just talk about grief, but lets me talk about other things bothering me, for example my daily life with husband and son, and so again, I can safely vent about that and I'm left feeling a lot calmer and clear headed when I leave.
In dealing with my grief, she gave me a book to read and we are doing some of the excercises in there that have helped me get over some losses from before that still hurt, and so I now feel more confident in myself that I can heal, someday, from this great loss. Also, and this is probably not true of many therapists but more specific for mine, she is also a mother that has lived through events similar to mine, so she opens up about them and about her feelings to me and how she has dealt with her own grief. And this has been a big part of how she has helped me, as she doesn't just know about what she's talking about in a textbook way, she knows from personal experience too.
posted by CrazyLemonade at 3:38 PM on November 2, 2014 [1 favorite]
In dealing with my grief, she gave me a book to read and we are doing some of the excercises in there that have helped me get over some losses from before that still hurt, and so I now feel more confident in myself that I can heal, someday, from this great loss. Also, and this is probably not true of many therapists but more specific for mine, she is also a mother that has lived through events similar to mine, so she opens up about them and about her feelings to me and how she has dealt with her own grief. And this has been a big part of how she has helped me, as she doesn't just know about what she's talking about in a textbook way, she knows from personal experience too.
posted by CrazyLemonade at 3:38 PM on November 2, 2014 [1 favorite]
I didn't stick with my first therapist - I instinctively knew CBT wasn't for me, and went back and went back and asked for another recommendation from my PCP.
Through the course of therapy I got a better job. I bought my first home. I ended up in my primary romantic relationship (after being unable to date most of my adult life). I became a better friend. I started to relate with my family as a grown up (in my 30s). Mostly, though, I became immeasurably happier.
Neither my therapist nor I would say therapy caused Any of these things directly. But my anxiety/dysthymia/whatever made me get in my own way all the time. Maybe I didn't think I deserved love, maybe I didn't understand that I could do a harder job and it helped me see that I do and I can.
Therapy changed my life - it didn't change me, it just changed my ability to be a happier, healthier version of myself. If you look back through my posting history, you'll see me as one of the mefites advocating it often, because it helped me so much.
posted by ldthomps at 3:39 PM on November 2, 2014 [4 favorites]
Through the course of therapy I got a better job. I bought my first home. I ended up in my primary romantic relationship (after being unable to date most of my adult life). I became a better friend. I started to relate with my family as a grown up (in my 30s). Mostly, though, I became immeasurably happier.
Neither my therapist nor I would say therapy caused Any of these things directly. But my anxiety/dysthymia/whatever made me get in my own way all the time. Maybe I didn't think I deserved love, maybe I didn't understand that I could do a harder job and it helped me see that I do and I can.
Therapy changed my life - it didn't change me, it just changed my ability to be a happier, healthier version of myself. If you look back through my posting history, you'll see me as one of the mefites advocating it often, because it helped me so much.
posted by ldthomps at 3:39 PM on November 2, 2014 [4 favorites]
Not every therapist will work well for every person. I spent years working with a lovely woman who didn't really work well for me. In college I had one session with someone who super a whole lot rubbed me the wrong way at a time when I was in crisis and really needed help.
At the moment I see a cognitive behavioral therapist. She helps me rethink my assumptions about how the world works and come up with more productive ways of approaching my life. She's like a trainer at the gym, except she's helping me use brain muscles more efficiently and in ways that won't hurt myself. I've gotten a whole lot better at noticing I'm in a depression or anxiety spiral and I've developed better tools to get myself out of them with her help. Even when she's not there or I haven't seen her for a few months, I still use the tools I learned from her and the world is easier to deal with.
posted by faethverity at 3:43 PM on November 2, 2014 [2 favorites]
At the moment I see a cognitive behavioral therapist. She helps me rethink my assumptions about how the world works and come up with more productive ways of approaching my life. She's like a trainer at the gym, except she's helping me use brain muscles more efficiently and in ways that won't hurt myself. I've gotten a whole lot better at noticing I'm in a depression or anxiety spiral and I've developed better tools to get myself out of them with her help. Even when she's not there or I haven't seen her for a few months, I still use the tools I learned from her and the world is easier to deal with.
posted by faethverity at 3:43 PM on November 2, 2014 [2 favorites]
I feel like I should follow up my comment to say that I personally have never had therapy be as productive for me as it has been for my husband, although every so often I've gotten some good practical suggestions for approaches to a problem. And, my husband hated the first therapist he saw; it took some work and some luck to find the guy he's got. So what I'm saying is not every therapist is helpful, even if you are open to it and even if you are a good candidate for it.
posted by fingersandtoes at 3:48 PM on November 2, 2014
posted by fingersandtoes at 3:48 PM on November 2, 2014
Therapy won't make you into a different person, rather a person who understands more about yourself and this allows you to makes changes you want. The 'identifying destructive patterns' part resonates with me. Changing the patterns wasn't always easy but the results were worth it. You do need to treat any therapist as you would any other service provider, if one doesn't work for you shop around for one that does. This field definitely isn't one size fits all.
posted by Julanna at 3:49 PM on November 2, 2014 [2 favorites]
posted by Julanna at 3:49 PM on November 2, 2014 [2 favorites]
From an anonymous member:
Therapy means I have more sex now, and better sex. I was originally in therapy to anxiety and depression issues about work and a car crash. We spoke a little about my in-law issues, intimacy issues, and rape but not much, and once we'd resolved a lot of the anxiety issues with mindfulness therapy methods I left. I then had a severe set back (unexpected contact with my rapist) and went back after a break of about 12 months I think?posted by mathowie at 3:54 PM on November 2, 2014 [6 favorites]
It was fairly intensive then - once a week for a while, then once a fortnight. We focused a lot on the rape and recovery process, with something like a PTSD modality. It was very much focused on the coping mechanisms I'd put in place (avoid triggery stuff) and modifying them into something actually helpful and healthy. So we focused on working out what those mechanisms even were - it had been over ten years and a lot of them were so ingrained that it's hard to tell even now, that they're not how I really am, it's just a way of coping I developed post-rape. Once we'd been able to isolate some of those, and isolate triggers, my therapist helped me work out a kind of exposure therapy with my partner. So we would do things that I had previously avoided, with a conscious effort to be mindful.
Until then I pretty much disassociated a lot during sex, and certainly during foreplay. I'd eschewed a lot of foreplay because of triggers and that exacerbates things like discomfort and tearing during sex which reinforced avoidance and it was a mess. So with my therapist as a sounding board and offering debriefs at my appointments, my partner and I would engage in just foreplay, or extended foreplay, while I practised being mindful and present. I had a toolset for when I was triggered during sex as well, rather than just shutting it all down (or disassociating completely). It's not perfect but it's a damn sight better than before.
I don't think I would have ever had the means or the strength to directly address those issues without therapy. As a coping mechanism it was so ingrained that I still sometimes forget that it isn't actually how I'm wired.
We did similar things with anxiety, sensory stuff, and trust/intimacy/vulnerability. But the sex is probably the easiest one to point to having a very concrete outcome directly from therapy that I was unable to work on alone or with my partner.
I agree with others saying that therapy doesn't make you into a different person -- it helps unveil the person you really are at heart, and get you closer to being the best version of that person possible.
I grew up in a family that's very different than the vast majority of the families in our locale, and as such I spent 20 years of my life believing I was odd, off, an outsider, etc, because it's something my parents felt really insecure about. "We're strangers in a strange land!" They would tell me. "You will always be considered weird by everyone else because to everyone else you are weird." They meant well but unfortunately that mindset really destroyed my ability to like myself and accept myself for who I am. Therapy has unlocked my ability to see myself as happy, normal, worthwhile, and good, just as I am. I can assert myself without collapsing into fear of rejection, I like myself just in general, and I no longer spend my day in fear that someone will see me as gross or different and weird, because I am none of those things and let's face it everyone is weird in some way anyway. I'm still me. I'm just happier.
posted by Hermione Granger at 3:56 PM on November 2, 2014 [3 favorites]
I grew up in a family that's very different than the vast majority of the families in our locale, and as such I spent 20 years of my life believing I was odd, off, an outsider, etc, because it's something my parents felt really insecure about. "We're strangers in a strange land!" They would tell me. "You will always be considered weird by everyone else because to everyone else you are weird." They meant well but unfortunately that mindset really destroyed my ability to like myself and accept myself for who I am. Therapy has unlocked my ability to see myself as happy, normal, worthwhile, and good, just as I am. I can assert myself without collapsing into fear of rejection, I like myself just in general, and I no longer spend my day in fear that someone will see me as gross or different and weird, because I am none of those things and let's face it everyone is weird in some way anyway. I'm still me. I'm just happier.
posted by Hermione Granger at 3:56 PM on November 2, 2014 [3 favorites]
Before therapy, not addressing my issues was backing up on me and making those issues feel insurmountable and making me feel hopeless and worthless. Getting my feelings out once a week is like a release valve. It makes my problems feel manageable in size and me not feel crappy about myself. Totally worth it.
posted by cecic at 4:03 PM on November 2, 2014 [2 favorites]
posted by cecic at 4:03 PM on November 2, 2014 [2 favorites]
(Apologies in advance for this incredibly long, rambling answer.)
I have done both group therapy and individual therapy. I have done therapy with a more behavioral orientation as well as more psychodynamic. I have found all of it to be hugely beneficial.
When I first started therapy, I was a raging alcoholic who engaged in a lot of other incredibly self-destructive behavior, including anorexia and self injury. I was incredibly depressed, barely functional, and just an all around mess, still reeling from growing up in a chaotic household with a drug addicted parent in a home that was mired in dysfunction. I was haunted by pretty much constant suicidal ideation.
One of the first major things I got out of therapy is validation. Validation can be so powerful, especially when you never had it growing up. That alone was worth the price of admission, so to speak, as was just developing the ability to talk about these things.
Behavioral therapy (specifically Dialectical Behavior Therapy) really helped me get a handle on my incredibly self destructive behaviors. It also helped me become a lot more aware of my own emotional ups and downs, and helped me build up a "tool box" of sorts to deal with various situations. I'm naturally more comfortable with things that are practical and logical, so having a very rigid framework and participating in therapy that was sort of set up like a class made it easier for me to ease into other modalities.
When I first started therapy, I suffered from being painfully self aware and at the same time completely blind to my own inner life. I had so much self hatred, and I had all this built up anger, that probably originated as anger at my family (or hell, the world), but all got turned inward. I recently found a practice test for a class that I took and "self graded" shortly before starting therapy, and on that test I actually wrote a note telling myself what an idiot I was for not doing better. It included profanity. It would be considered abusive if I ever said that to another person (I wouldn't). It was shocking, really, to see that and remember how much I tore myself apart. That note was not even an anomaly. It was just representative of my own self talk at the time.
I've learned not to do that anymore. There are things which can make sense when you only live inside your own head, and being able to get those out in the open with a trained professional can be so transformative because only when saying certain things out loud did I realize just how screwed up they were. There's a reason why mindfulness is a huge part of DBT. Just being aware of your own inner life can really make a huge difference.
I no longer hate myself, and that is because I have actively done everything I can to stop myself from thinking those kinds of thoughts, but I don't think I would have learned how to do that without being in therapy because it was just so ingrained. It was a cycle that I chose to feed into without even realizing that's what I was doing. And, because I was my own most vicious critic, I also couldn't handle even the slightest less than favorable feedback from anyone else, because it just magnified my own self hatred to a nearly unbearable degree. It made holding down a job nearly impossible. Today, I still don't like getting criticism (who does?), but I can accept it and not get torn down by it.
Oh, and I've been sober for 3+ years, and I don't do any of those other self destructive things any more either. I eat well, exercise, and keep my room clean. I do my laundry regularly, cook my own food, and generally have a life I'm pretty happy with. Sometimes things get bad, but I no longer am stuck in this cycle of constant misery. I've found away to keep my parents at a comfortable enough distance so that there shit doesn't pull me down like it used to. I don't think about wanting to kill myself, and most days, I actually look forward to the future.
If you had asked me five years ago where I thought I would be today, I probably would have said dead. (It's probably what a lot of other people who knew me at the time would have said to.) I never in a million years would have predicted that my life could be so completely turned around. Therapy was not the only thing that helped me make those changes, and not all therapy works for every person, but I have certainly benefited a great deal from it. It probably did save my life, but more to the point, it actually helped me have a life that I wanted to live, and it's help me become a person that I actually like.
posted by litera scripta manet at 4:10 PM on November 2, 2014 [9 favorites]
I have done both group therapy and individual therapy. I have done therapy with a more behavioral orientation as well as more psychodynamic. I have found all of it to be hugely beneficial.
When I first started therapy, I was a raging alcoholic who engaged in a lot of other incredibly self-destructive behavior, including anorexia and self injury. I was incredibly depressed, barely functional, and just an all around mess, still reeling from growing up in a chaotic household with a drug addicted parent in a home that was mired in dysfunction. I was haunted by pretty much constant suicidal ideation.
One of the first major things I got out of therapy is validation. Validation can be so powerful, especially when you never had it growing up. That alone was worth the price of admission, so to speak, as was just developing the ability to talk about these things.
Behavioral therapy (specifically Dialectical Behavior Therapy) really helped me get a handle on my incredibly self destructive behaviors. It also helped me become a lot more aware of my own emotional ups and downs, and helped me build up a "tool box" of sorts to deal with various situations. I'm naturally more comfortable with things that are practical and logical, so having a very rigid framework and participating in therapy that was sort of set up like a class made it easier for me to ease into other modalities.
When I first started therapy, I suffered from being painfully self aware and at the same time completely blind to my own inner life. I had so much self hatred, and I had all this built up anger, that probably originated as anger at my family (or hell, the world), but all got turned inward. I recently found a practice test for a class that I took and "self graded" shortly before starting therapy, and on that test I actually wrote a note telling myself what an idiot I was for not doing better. It included profanity. It would be considered abusive if I ever said that to another person (I wouldn't). It was shocking, really, to see that and remember how much I tore myself apart. That note was not even an anomaly. It was just representative of my own self talk at the time.
I've learned not to do that anymore. There are things which can make sense when you only live inside your own head, and being able to get those out in the open with a trained professional can be so transformative because only when saying certain things out loud did I realize just how screwed up they were. There's a reason why mindfulness is a huge part of DBT. Just being aware of your own inner life can really make a huge difference.
I no longer hate myself, and that is because I have actively done everything I can to stop myself from thinking those kinds of thoughts, but I don't think I would have learned how to do that without being in therapy because it was just so ingrained. It was a cycle that I chose to feed into without even realizing that's what I was doing. And, because I was my own most vicious critic, I also couldn't handle even the slightest less than favorable feedback from anyone else, because it just magnified my own self hatred to a nearly unbearable degree. It made holding down a job nearly impossible. Today, I still don't like getting criticism (who does?), but I can accept it and not get torn down by it.
Oh, and I've been sober for 3+ years, and I don't do any of those other self destructive things any more either. I eat well, exercise, and keep my room clean. I do my laundry regularly, cook my own food, and generally have a life I'm pretty happy with. Sometimes things get bad, but I no longer am stuck in this cycle of constant misery. I've found away to keep my parents at a comfortable enough distance so that there shit doesn't pull me down like it used to. I don't think about wanting to kill myself, and most days, I actually look forward to the future.
If you had asked me five years ago where I thought I would be today, I probably would have said dead. (It's probably what a lot of other people who knew me at the time would have said to.) I never in a million years would have predicted that my life could be so completely turned around. Therapy was not the only thing that helped me make those changes, and not all therapy works for every person, but I have certainly benefited a great deal from it. It probably did save my life, but more to the point, it actually helped me have a life that I wanted to live, and it's help me become a person that I actually like.
posted by litera scripta manet at 4:10 PM on November 2, 2014 [9 favorites]
I started seeing my current therapist about a year ago. I was in the process of coming out to myself and my friends as trans, and I was very upset about it — pissed off and scared and ashamed and just completely bogged down in self-loathing. Therapy helped enormously with all of that.
And it hasn't helped by turning me into someone else. Rather, it's helped by reducing the number of things in my life that I'm too scared to think about.
So for instance, being trans, I have a kind of fucked-up relationship with my body, and there are lots of things about it that I dislike. But a year ago, it wasn't just that I disliked my body. It was that I was afraid to think about my body at all — or about clothes or my appearance or anything else related to it. If I had to do anything that required me to think about my body, it filled me with anger and disgust and shame so quickly that I could barely hold my shit together. And THAT WAS SCARY — so it was easier just to avoid thinking about it.
So okay, I avoided thinking about my body or my appearance. I cultivated a deliberately scruffy appearance and a who-gives-a-fuck attitude towards fashion, I dressed in baggy clothes that hid my body, I refused to cut my hair or trim my beard because even that meant paying more attention to my appearance that I could tolerate. If you'd asked me, I'd have told you "Yeah, I dress this way because I like to." But what I really would have meant was "I dress this way because I feel like I have no other options. If I even stop for a minute or two to consider other possibilities, I start feeling so uncomfortable that I want to step in front of a bus." And there were lots of other limitations that Not Thinking About my body imposed on me. (Fucked my sex life right up, for instance....)
Now, after a year of therapy, I still don't like my body or the way it looks. But at least I can think about it without panicking or literally wanting to die. Which is actually incredibly useful, because it's let me do things like make choices about my gender presentation, and decide to start shaving my beard and body hair, and decide to start hormone therapy, and start thinking about what sorts of surgery I might want as part of my transition. A year ago, those decisions would have been completely impossible, because just thinking about that stuff was too upsetting.
A lot of what my therapist did was just straight-up hand-holding, like you'd do for a four-year-old who was afraid of the dark or a sixteen-year-old who was nervous about driving on the highway. Only what I was afraid of was my own thoughts and feelings. But the process was the same: gently encouraging me to face the scary thing, offering reassurance that the scary thing wasn't going to kill me, telling me I was doing a good job, reminding me to take deep breaths. Eventually, just like a kid gets accustomed to sleeping in a darkened room, I got accustomed to thinking about this stuff without panicking.
And that's just one of the topics I was avoiding. I could give a ton of other examples. But you get the idea.
And here's the thing. I'd done a ton of therapy before this year. It did basically no good at all, because I wasn't actually confronting the stuff I was afraid of. It was only once I started talking about all this icky embarrassing uncomfortable stuff about sex and shame and my feelings about my body that my life started changing for the better. But once I did start talking about that stuff in therapy, HOLY FUCK IT CHANGED MY ENTIRE LIFE.
Maybe for you it won't be gender or sex or your body or whatever. But if you're looking for advice on how to approach therapy, my advice is to keep seeking out the stuff that you're scared to talk about, and keep talking about it until it gets less scary.
posted by nebulawindphone at 4:17 PM on November 2, 2014 [21 favorites]
And it hasn't helped by turning me into someone else. Rather, it's helped by reducing the number of things in my life that I'm too scared to think about.
So for instance, being trans, I have a kind of fucked-up relationship with my body, and there are lots of things about it that I dislike. But a year ago, it wasn't just that I disliked my body. It was that I was afraid to think about my body at all — or about clothes or my appearance or anything else related to it. If I had to do anything that required me to think about my body, it filled me with anger and disgust and shame so quickly that I could barely hold my shit together. And THAT WAS SCARY — so it was easier just to avoid thinking about it.
So okay, I avoided thinking about my body or my appearance. I cultivated a deliberately scruffy appearance and a who-gives-a-fuck attitude towards fashion, I dressed in baggy clothes that hid my body, I refused to cut my hair or trim my beard because even that meant paying more attention to my appearance that I could tolerate. If you'd asked me, I'd have told you "Yeah, I dress this way because I like to." But what I really would have meant was "I dress this way because I feel like I have no other options. If I even stop for a minute or two to consider other possibilities, I start feeling so uncomfortable that I want to step in front of a bus." And there were lots of other limitations that Not Thinking About my body imposed on me. (Fucked my sex life right up, for instance....)
Now, after a year of therapy, I still don't like my body or the way it looks. But at least I can think about it without panicking or literally wanting to die. Which is actually incredibly useful, because it's let me do things like make choices about my gender presentation, and decide to start shaving my beard and body hair, and decide to start hormone therapy, and start thinking about what sorts of surgery I might want as part of my transition. A year ago, those decisions would have been completely impossible, because just thinking about that stuff was too upsetting.
A lot of what my therapist did was just straight-up hand-holding, like you'd do for a four-year-old who was afraid of the dark or a sixteen-year-old who was nervous about driving on the highway. Only what I was afraid of was my own thoughts and feelings. But the process was the same: gently encouraging me to face the scary thing, offering reassurance that the scary thing wasn't going to kill me, telling me I was doing a good job, reminding me to take deep breaths. Eventually, just like a kid gets accustomed to sleeping in a darkened room, I got accustomed to thinking about this stuff without panicking.
And that's just one of the topics I was avoiding. I could give a ton of other examples. But you get the idea.
And here's the thing. I'd done a ton of therapy before this year. It did basically no good at all, because I wasn't actually confronting the stuff I was afraid of. It was only once I started talking about all this icky embarrassing uncomfortable stuff about sex and shame and my feelings about my body that my life started changing for the better. But once I did start talking about that stuff in therapy, HOLY FUCK IT CHANGED MY ENTIRE LIFE.
Maybe for you it won't be gender or sex or your body or whatever. But if you're looking for advice on how to approach therapy, my advice is to keep seeking out the stuff that you're scared to talk about, and keep talking about it until it gets less scary.
posted by nebulawindphone at 4:17 PM on November 2, 2014 [21 favorites]
Therapy did not change who I am, but it helped me develop a healthier attitude toward a specific trauma I experienced. I went to therapy for about a year, starting about a year after the trauma, and it is no longer a source of significant pain or a distraction from my everyday life. If anything I'm now able to appreciate how that experience has made me stronger and more empathetic toward others.
There's no version of me that had the same trauma but didn't do therapy, so I have no idea how much of this is due to therapy and how much would have come with the healing of time. But I'm happy where I am and on net I enjoyed the process of therapy. I would recommend it.
posted by telegraph at 4:20 PM on November 2, 2014
There's no version of me that had the same trauma but didn't do therapy, so I have no idea how much of this is due to therapy and how much would have come with the healing of time. But I'm happy where I am and on net I enjoyed the process of therapy. I would recommend it.
posted by telegraph at 4:20 PM on November 2, 2014
I'm on medication for depression and anxiety and my psychiatrist is pretty much just a doctor, she doesn't do talk stuff. However, I feel like the medication gives me a solid foundation to start working on the more complex stuff. I compare it to a shield protecting me from bullshit so I have time to process things rather than just being immersed in it.
Therapy is, for me, about having a neutral third person to look at my life with me and help me evaluate things from an outside perspective.
For example, when I was a kid, I came home from my dad's one day (divorced parents) and found myself stuffed in the car and told we were moving to get away from my mom's abusive boyfriend. Everyone acted like I was a weirdo and a bad person for being upset by that. BUT DIDN'T YOU WANT TO GET AWAY FROM HIM? Well yeah, but yanking me out of the only life I'd known seem pretty fucked up to me. But everyone acted like I was a bad person for being upset about coming home and finding out "By the way we're moving away and your stuff is already boxed up and you'll be living in a new place and going to a new school" so I internalized that I was the bad person for feeling things in that situation and it tied into the reasons I'd suppress my emotions. I didn't even think of this as A Bad Thing that happened. It was just something that happened.
My therapist could actually stop during my storytelling and say "Hey, wait, no, that must've been pretty traumatic for you, you must've been really upset. And you wouldn't be a bad person to be upset by that." And then we could start disentangling that.
Or we come to something like this: My grandfather on my mom's side, who we lived with for sometime and was pretty much always around in one way or another, would start screaming and freak out if you made too much noise. I still have the habit of checking under my chair for dogs or animals before I push back from a desk or table because they'd lay down beneath the chair, get rolled on, yelp, and then he'd start screaming. And then if you were upset or showed emotion you'd get hollered at to CALM DOWN. My mom's side of the family was very Mad Men, all about preserving peace and harmony and creating an appearance of outward calm.
My dad was of the "Stop crying or I'll GIVE you something to cry about" school and my grandparents on that side would make fun of you for crying or being upset.
She helped me unite these disparate threads into one of many reasons why I don't show emotions. And it all seems obvious now that I'm walking you through it, but I needed that third-party help to get outside my own head and see what was going on.
She's also giving me skills for evaluating my emotions and breaking down problems, which is something I need to work on since I haven't developed that vocabulary.
I think one of the problems people often have is because depression or whatever is tied into it, they give up when they have a bad therapeutic relationship. Like, if I took my car to the shop and got a bad mechanic, I'd go find a new mechanic. I wouldn't go "WELP I GUESS THE OIL PUMP IS FUCKED FOREVER." But when it's your head, you go, "Welp, guess I'm broken and doomed forever" when you really just need to find a different therapist.
I wouldn't say I'm a different person, but I am a less angry, less reactive, more thoughtful, and more compassionate person.
posted by Ghostride The Whip at 4:24 PM on November 2, 2014 [6 favorites]
Therapy is, for me, about having a neutral third person to look at my life with me and help me evaluate things from an outside perspective.
For example, when I was a kid, I came home from my dad's one day (divorced parents) and found myself stuffed in the car and told we were moving to get away from my mom's abusive boyfriend. Everyone acted like I was a weirdo and a bad person for being upset by that. BUT DIDN'T YOU WANT TO GET AWAY FROM HIM? Well yeah, but yanking me out of the only life I'd known seem pretty fucked up to me. But everyone acted like I was a bad person for being upset about coming home and finding out "By the way we're moving away and your stuff is already boxed up and you'll be living in a new place and going to a new school" so I internalized that I was the bad person for feeling things in that situation and it tied into the reasons I'd suppress my emotions. I didn't even think of this as A Bad Thing that happened. It was just something that happened.
My therapist could actually stop during my storytelling and say "Hey, wait, no, that must've been pretty traumatic for you, you must've been really upset. And you wouldn't be a bad person to be upset by that." And then we could start disentangling that.
Or we come to something like this: My grandfather on my mom's side, who we lived with for sometime and was pretty much always around in one way or another, would start screaming and freak out if you made too much noise. I still have the habit of checking under my chair for dogs or animals before I push back from a desk or table because they'd lay down beneath the chair, get rolled on, yelp, and then he'd start screaming. And then if you were upset or showed emotion you'd get hollered at to CALM DOWN. My mom's side of the family was very Mad Men, all about preserving peace and harmony and creating an appearance of outward calm.
My dad was of the "Stop crying or I'll GIVE you something to cry about" school and my grandparents on that side would make fun of you for crying or being upset.
She helped me unite these disparate threads into one of many reasons why I don't show emotions. And it all seems obvious now that I'm walking you through it, but I needed that third-party help to get outside my own head and see what was going on.
She's also giving me skills for evaluating my emotions and breaking down problems, which is something I need to work on since I haven't developed that vocabulary.
I think one of the problems people often have is because depression or whatever is tied into it, they give up when they have a bad therapeutic relationship. Like, if I took my car to the shop and got a bad mechanic, I'd go find a new mechanic. I wouldn't go "WELP I GUESS THE OIL PUMP IS FUCKED FOREVER." But when it's your head, you go, "Welp, guess I'm broken and doomed forever" when you really just need to find a different therapist.
I wouldn't say I'm a different person, but I am a less angry, less reactive, more thoughtful, and more compassionate person.
posted by Ghostride The Whip at 4:24 PM on November 2, 2014 [6 favorites]
I'm in therapy for grief and it's not doing anything. This is the seventh therapist over the past twenty years I have tried for this problem and it's never done anything. It's not a cognitive distortion and I don't feel bad about myself or want to be different, I just miss someone who's not there. No one can explain to me how therapy is supposed to be helpful when it can't change what you're sad about.
posted by Violet Hour at 4:54 PM on November 2, 2014 [5 favorites]
posted by Violet Hour at 4:54 PM on November 2, 2014 [5 favorites]
Therapy helped me change some of my negative thought patterns/untrue beliefs and get over resentment and anger that I had. It didn't change me into a different person. It helped me to become a more stable, forgiving, calm person.
Therapy definitely helped me. I wanted help and I wanted to feel less miserable. I was willing to work the program, so to speak. I was a willing participant. I've had three therapists. The first therapist I saw for a few visits, the second therapist for a few as well, and the last one helped the most. I probably saw the third therapist for 10-12 visits.
I think it was a combination of being receptive to helping myself and the skill of the therapist. The first two therapists were good and capable as well. I don't know if it was immaturity or not being in a willing mindset but the third time was a charm.
I am constantly learning new things all of the time. Sometimes I think I'm doing something right and that I'm not causing myself or others harm, but thankfully there is a realization. Therapy can help you uncover some of your behaviors that are destructive. I haven't been in therapy in a while. I still have a lot to work to do, but the therapy I had helped me tremendously in the fact that I no longer carry shame, resentment, or anger. I don't think I'm less than and am much happier and more receptive to love and am able to give love more freely. I also am much more forgiving of myself.
posted by Fairchild at 5:08 PM on November 2, 2014 [1 favorite]
Therapy definitely helped me. I wanted help and I wanted to feel less miserable. I was willing to work the program, so to speak. I was a willing participant. I've had three therapists. The first therapist I saw for a few visits, the second therapist for a few as well, and the last one helped the most. I probably saw the third therapist for 10-12 visits.
I think it was a combination of being receptive to helping myself and the skill of the therapist. The first two therapists were good and capable as well. I don't know if it was immaturity or not being in a willing mindset but the third time was a charm.
I am constantly learning new things all of the time. Sometimes I think I'm doing something right and that I'm not causing myself or others harm, but thankfully there is a realization. Therapy can help you uncover some of your behaviors that are destructive. I haven't been in therapy in a while. I still have a lot to work to do, but the therapy I had helped me tremendously in the fact that I no longer carry shame, resentment, or anger. I don't think I'm less than and am much happier and more receptive to love and am able to give love more freely. I also am much more forgiving of myself.
posted by Fairchild at 5:08 PM on November 2, 2014 [1 favorite]
Up until about three years ago, I'd never seen a therapist in my life. I've always had lots of anxiety but it got to the point in my life that I didn't get out of bed in the mornings and I thought often about suicide. So I went out to look for help.
I shopped around, had a session with someone local that didn't mesh well with me (she laughed when I mentioned one problem, which sucked). After that disappointing experience, I asked my entire local social circle who they knew. I got one person's name, investigated it and talked to the therapist and quickly realized we wouldn't mesh well (she was very religious and attacking problems in a way that wouldn't work for me). Eventually I found a no nonsense guy that I was warned about as he is known for being direct.
He was fantastic. He told me upfront that we wouldn't be talking for years, that we'd attack my problems as a project, meet every week, then every two weeks until I was done working through a book on anxiety that had lots of exercises and revisit the problems after we finished the book (we did one chapter a week, I think it was a 12 or 13 chapter book).
In the end, we did lots of exercises where I described my biggest worries and the book and the therapist helped teach me coping skills. My anxiety wasn't about life or death problems, they were problems that could be solved and could work out, and I needed to learn how to calm down and not think temporary setbacks were the end of the world. The entire process went on for about six months and my medical insurance covered almost all the cost (I had a $25 copay per session).
It's been over a year since I last saw him, and I've had bigger setbacks since and I'm doing fine. It really changed my life for the better, and I feel like I gained life-long coping skills for the anxiety that has crippled my life for all my life (My mom's favorite phrase to yell at me when I was growing up was "Don't do that, you'll fall down and die!!!").
I would say the biggest challenge was finding a psychologist that I meshed well with. It took asking 50 friends for recommendations, contacting their offices and speaking to them on the phone and email, and I had to keep trying after a couple attempts didn't work. But eventually, you'll find someone that works and can help.
posted by mathowie at 6:04 PM on November 2, 2014 [14 favorites]
I shopped around, had a session with someone local that didn't mesh well with me (she laughed when I mentioned one problem, which sucked). After that disappointing experience, I asked my entire local social circle who they knew. I got one person's name, investigated it and talked to the therapist and quickly realized we wouldn't mesh well (she was very religious and attacking problems in a way that wouldn't work for me). Eventually I found a no nonsense guy that I was warned about as he is known for being direct.
He was fantastic. He told me upfront that we wouldn't be talking for years, that we'd attack my problems as a project, meet every week, then every two weeks until I was done working through a book on anxiety that had lots of exercises and revisit the problems after we finished the book (we did one chapter a week, I think it was a 12 or 13 chapter book).
In the end, we did lots of exercises where I described my biggest worries and the book and the therapist helped teach me coping skills. My anxiety wasn't about life or death problems, they were problems that could be solved and could work out, and I needed to learn how to calm down and not think temporary setbacks were the end of the world. The entire process went on for about six months and my medical insurance covered almost all the cost (I had a $25 copay per session).
It's been over a year since I last saw him, and I've had bigger setbacks since and I'm doing fine. It really changed my life for the better, and I feel like I gained life-long coping skills for the anxiety that has crippled my life for all my life (My mom's favorite phrase to yell at me when I was growing up was "Don't do that, you'll fall down and die!!!").
I would say the biggest challenge was finding a psychologist that I meshed well with. It took asking 50 friends for recommendations, contacting their offices and speaking to them on the phone and email, and I had to keep trying after a couple attempts didn't work. But eventually, you'll find someone that works and can help.
posted by mathowie at 6:04 PM on November 2, 2014 [14 favorites]
I agree with others saying that therapy doesn't make you into a different person -- it helps unveil the person you really are at heart, and get you closer to being the best version of that person possible.
Seconding this. therapy isn't necessarily about "changing you into a different person", it's more about helping the person that you are process things that have happened to you. For me, it feels like talking to myself, except instead of the voice in my head that tells me "screw it, this is too much to handle" or makes dumb decisions like "let's stay with this lame boyfriend because you'll NEVER find anyone else", the therapist is like having a much smarter voice in my head ("where the hell'd you get the idea you can't find someone else?").
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 6:08 PM on November 2, 2014 [1 favorite]
Seconding this. therapy isn't necessarily about "changing you into a different person", it's more about helping the person that you are process things that have happened to you. For me, it feels like talking to myself, except instead of the voice in my head that tells me "screw it, this is too much to handle" or makes dumb decisions like "let's stay with this lame boyfriend because you'll NEVER find anyone else", the therapist is like having a much smarter voice in my head ("where the hell'd you get the idea you can't find someone else?").
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 6:08 PM on November 2, 2014 [1 favorite]
the therapist is like having a much smarter voice in my head
This is how I feel. Some of the things that my new, smarter voice in my head tells me include: "You are allowed to say no to things that you don't want to do," "Taking care of yourself is a good and important thing to do," and "You are not responsible for other people's feelings." I hear those things inside my head as a response to myself when I think "I can't say no/take a break/turn him down because...". And then when I hear that voice in my head, I'm reminded that these things are true, and it gives me courage to act in ways that are consistent with setting boundaries and taking care of myself.
posted by ootandaboot at 6:18 PM on November 2, 2014 [6 favorites]
This is how I feel. Some of the things that my new, smarter voice in my head tells me include: "You are allowed to say no to things that you don't want to do," "Taking care of yourself is a good and important thing to do," and "You are not responsible for other people's feelings." I hear those things inside my head as a response to myself when I think "I can't say no/take a break/turn him down because...". And then when I hear that voice in my head, I'm reminded that these things are true, and it gives me courage to act in ways that are consistent with setting boundaries and taking care of myself.
posted by ootandaboot at 6:18 PM on November 2, 2014 [6 favorites]
my experience with therapy is that at first it leaves you very raw. it opens up new possibilities for your thought process cycles, and therein exposes potential bad choices and decisions that you make - and the reasons you may be making them. that can be helpful though as we don't always see it until it is vocalized. once you see the bad patterns, you can begin to work to change them.
i didn't find therapy particularly helpful or useful for me personally. i kind of even wondered why i was there a lot of the time, as i felt like i already do a lot of that introspection on my own. i am sure others can benefit as everyone's mind works different and we all have different coping mechanisms. i don't look down at it just because it wasn't for me.
posted by cristinacristinacristina at 6:32 PM on November 2, 2014
i didn't find therapy particularly helpful or useful for me personally. i kind of even wondered why i was there a lot of the time, as i felt like i already do a lot of that introspection on my own. i am sure others can benefit as everyone's mind works different and we all have different coping mechanisms. i don't look down at it just because it wasn't for me.
posted by cristinacristinacristina at 6:32 PM on November 2, 2014
The experience of fingersandtoes' spouse seem typical.
Additionally, many of the people close to me who benefitted from therapy have mental health issues (very serious for a couple), had substance problems, and just ... just bad ideas about how to be. For them, therapy was a way to sort all that and learn how to manage their illness, work on the problems with alcohol or whatever, and be more organized in their thinking and being in the world.
Friends and family are not adequate for mental illness, obviously, but one thing that's often an outcome is the things we (friends and family) were trying to communicate came through in therapy.
Having a neutral, completely disinterested person to help you sort through your emotions and ideas and expectations is a gift. And many people do benefit from medication.
When people answer an Ask Me me with "seek therapy" I think that more often it's because the asker seems to be in crisis than because we suspect that the asker has serious mental illness. Therapy can provide perspective when a person is in crisis (terrible relationship or conflicted about their responsibilities for an elderly parent or confused about the religion they were raised in, or whatever.)
posted by Lesser Shrew at 6:33 PM on November 2, 2014 [3 favorites]
Additionally, many of the people close to me who benefitted from therapy have mental health issues (very serious for a couple), had substance problems, and just ... just bad ideas about how to be. For them, therapy was a way to sort all that and learn how to manage their illness, work on the problems with alcohol or whatever, and be more organized in their thinking and being in the world.
Friends and family are not adequate for mental illness, obviously, but one thing that's often an outcome is the things we (friends and family) were trying to communicate came through in therapy.
Having a neutral, completely disinterested person to help you sort through your emotions and ideas and expectations is a gift. And many people do benefit from medication.
When people answer an Ask Me me with "seek therapy" I think that more often it's because the asker seems to be in crisis than because we suspect that the asker has serious mental illness. Therapy can provide perspective when a person is in crisis (terrible relationship or conflicted about their responsibilities for an elderly parent or confused about the religion they were raised in, or whatever.)
posted by Lesser Shrew at 6:33 PM on November 2, 2014 [3 favorites]
I recently wrapped up almost three years of treatment and it has dramatically changed my life. Like many others have noted above, it does not really change you as a person but helps you open up in a way to be more your true self. I do feel like I am a completely different person but I think that's because now I am able to tolerate and deal with issues in a much more healthy way I never thought even possible before.
Through my therapist what I thought was normal was in reality a traumatic childhood that lead to difficulty coping growing up through to college and into early adult life. I had to unwind and process many issues that were incredibly difficult to face and through the process unearthed other underlying issues I didn't even realize I had. I felt incredibly validated with a near-unbiased but empathetic professional that was direct, honest, non-judgmental, and insightful. I had to do a lot of emotional heavy lifting and I worked incredibly hard and ultimately she was very successful to building up the often mentioned "toolbox" to help deal with difficult situations in my life. She never told me what to do (what I believe a good therapist should never do), but helped guide me through difficult situations and explain what was going on which was super important.
Ultimately it has led to me being the happiest I've ever been in a way I thought I never thought possible. It's helped me make better decisions and also deal with the decisions that weren't so great (because we aren't perfect). I allow myself to feel through emotions rather than guilt or judge myself for them. The "smart" voice that above has mentioned is almost spot on because the voice that tells me to be kinder to myself switches on a lot faster. Therapy has also acted as a support network that I could rely on when I've felt I've been failed or let down in critical moments in my life.
But also one of my more important takeaways is that the issues will never truly be completely solved. Sometimes the trauma never goes away 100%, but even if I am still triggered I am more aware of myself to the point that it doesn't incapacitate my living as it did before. I don't spiral as hard and I resist destructive behavior. It is not a complete fix for depression but it gives me the tools to handle the bad times a lot more effectively and that itself is a lifesaver because sometimes I think I might not still be alive if I didn't force myself to go into treatment.
posted by xtine at 6:47 PM on November 2, 2014 [3 favorites]
Through my therapist what I thought was normal was in reality a traumatic childhood that lead to difficulty coping growing up through to college and into early adult life. I had to unwind and process many issues that were incredibly difficult to face and through the process unearthed other underlying issues I didn't even realize I had. I felt incredibly validated with a near-unbiased but empathetic professional that was direct, honest, non-judgmental, and insightful. I had to do a lot of emotional heavy lifting and I worked incredibly hard and ultimately she was very successful to building up the often mentioned "toolbox" to help deal with difficult situations in my life. She never told me what to do (what I believe a good therapist should never do), but helped guide me through difficult situations and explain what was going on which was super important.
Ultimately it has led to me being the happiest I've ever been in a way I thought I never thought possible. It's helped me make better decisions and also deal with the decisions that weren't so great (because we aren't perfect). I allow myself to feel through emotions rather than guilt or judge myself for them. The "smart" voice that above has mentioned is almost spot on because the voice that tells me to be kinder to myself switches on a lot faster. Therapy has also acted as a support network that I could rely on when I've felt I've been failed or let down in critical moments in my life.
But also one of my more important takeaways is that the issues will never truly be completely solved. Sometimes the trauma never goes away 100%, but even if I am still triggered I am more aware of myself to the point that it doesn't incapacitate my living as it did before. I don't spiral as hard and I resist destructive behavior. It is not a complete fix for depression but it gives me the tools to handle the bad times a lot more effectively and that itself is a lifesaver because sometimes I think I might not still be alive if I didn't force myself to go into treatment.
posted by xtine at 6:47 PM on November 2, 2014 [3 favorites]
For me personally, and this is not something that would be the #1 beneficial thing for everyone else, but probably the #1 best thing I got out of therapy was just being able to walk in and say anything and be absolutely positive that she was not going to respond by telling me I was selfish or stupid, which is what I was constantly telling myself about these same things when I thought them, and was convinced everyone else would think.
posted by agress at 7:03 PM on November 2, 2014 [1 favorite]
posted by agress at 7:03 PM on November 2, 2014 [1 favorite]
My SO was in a pretty terrible relationship long before he met me and there was a lot of residual crap he hadn't really been able to manage or process if that's the right word. So something sort of not-that-awful would happen and he'd get into an anxious shame spiral and really beat himself up about it, call me on the phone freaking out, have sleeping problems, etc. I'm supportive as a girlfriend but
1) we don't live together and so there was a limit to how much time I could be available when he had a freakout
2) I had limited ability to be a sounding board for problems with his ex because she (and his ability to deal with her) was affecting me also
So at some point, when he was also having trouble with his teenaged son and we felt like we were spending all of our time in support-mode, I suggested he see someone. Over the years he's seen a few people and I don't know much about what they talk about because it's not my business (occasionally he'll talk about something that is upsetting him and I'll suggest he mention it in therapy). But he's definitely the same person. He's just gotten a lot better at relaxing himself (I think some people say "self-soothing") and being a little less hyper-responsible for people who weren't treating him well. He doesn't have the same kind of nightmares. He decided to get a sleep test and has had good results with that. It just seemed to help him get out of the rut he was in (bad juju with his ex and a lot of co-parenting stuff that still needed dealing with and drawing better boundaries) and focus on himself in a healthier way.
This, in turn, helped me deal with some of the relationship-anxieties I'd had and not be so reactive to him reacting about his ex. We were just talking today actually about how we mostly don't argue anymore. We still disagree but we don't get wrapped in angry knots about it anymore. He's better at responding to my occasional anxieties and I'm better at responding to his occasional fears and concerns because it's unusual now, not a constant state of being for either of us.
Since then he's had some real curve balls thrown his way with his son and some mental illness challenges the son is having and he's SO much better able to cope with those things now. It's made him better able to be a parent and better able to see himself sort of semi-objectively at the same time as he's just living within his life, is the best way I can put it.
posted by jessamyn at 7:35 PM on November 2, 2014 [4 favorites]
1) we don't live together and so there was a limit to how much time I could be available when he had a freakout
2) I had limited ability to be a sounding board for problems with his ex because she (and his ability to deal with her) was affecting me also
So at some point, when he was also having trouble with his teenaged son and we felt like we were spending all of our time in support-mode, I suggested he see someone. Over the years he's seen a few people and I don't know much about what they talk about because it's not my business (occasionally he'll talk about something that is upsetting him and I'll suggest he mention it in therapy). But he's definitely the same person. He's just gotten a lot better at relaxing himself (I think some people say "self-soothing") and being a little less hyper-responsible for people who weren't treating him well. He doesn't have the same kind of nightmares. He decided to get a sleep test and has had good results with that. It just seemed to help him get out of the rut he was in (bad juju with his ex and a lot of co-parenting stuff that still needed dealing with and drawing better boundaries) and focus on himself in a healthier way.
This, in turn, helped me deal with some of the relationship-anxieties I'd had and not be so reactive to him reacting about his ex. We were just talking today actually about how we mostly don't argue anymore. We still disagree but we don't get wrapped in angry knots about it anymore. He's better at responding to my occasional anxieties and I'm better at responding to his occasional fears and concerns because it's unusual now, not a constant state of being for either of us.
Since then he's had some real curve balls thrown his way with his son and some mental illness challenges the son is having and he's SO much better able to cope with those things now. It's made him better able to be a parent and better able to see himself sort of semi-objectively at the same time as he's just living within his life, is the best way I can put it.
posted by jessamyn at 7:35 PM on November 2, 2014 [4 favorites]
It's been pretty life-changing for me. Therapy saved my life, for one. Not sure I'd have made it through the darkest days of my depression without it.
It also saved my life, metaphorically speaking. I had a fucked up childhood and I had to do fucked up things to cope. For example, I'm a world-class champion at shutting down all of my emotions. Therapy has taught me a) what fucked up things I'm doing, b) how they connect to defense mechanisms for fucked up things that happened in my past, c) that those things are no longer working for me, and d) how to change them.
It's like.. before therapy, I was living my life in a fog.. I sort of stumbled through life, doing things without really understanding why I was making the choices I was, or why I kept having the same experiences over and over again, why I chose bad partners, etc. Therapy lifted the fog. Now I can make better choices because I can see.
posted by zug at 7:56 PM on November 2, 2014 [11 favorites]
It also saved my life, metaphorically speaking. I had a fucked up childhood and I had to do fucked up things to cope. For example, I'm a world-class champion at shutting down all of my emotions. Therapy has taught me a) what fucked up things I'm doing, b) how they connect to defense mechanisms for fucked up things that happened in my past, c) that those things are no longer working for me, and d) how to change them.
It's like.. before therapy, I was living my life in a fog.. I sort of stumbled through life, doing things without really understanding why I was making the choices I was, or why I kept having the same experiences over and over again, why I chose bad partners, etc. Therapy lifted the fog. Now I can make better choices because I can see.
posted by zug at 7:56 PM on November 2, 2014 [11 favorites]
therapy made me more self aware and kept me from devolving into suicide fantasies at times when i wasn't able to get access to meds. granted, it can be difficult to find a good "match" but once you do...priceless.
posted by zdravo at 8:16 PM on November 2, 2014 [1 favorite]
posted by zdravo at 8:16 PM on November 2, 2014 [1 favorite]
Therapy has sometimes given me someone to talk to or a shoulder to cry on when I needed it, but principally for me it has been about acquiring skills I needed to cope with my life and my brain's idiosyncracies. It's like learning to use a prosthetic foot; I kinda wish I didn't need it, I envy people who seem not to need it, but I can get along fine once I know how to work my particular equipment. It has also helped me adapt to the idea that just because I think/feel something does not mean it's true, giving me the space to start thinking critically about my thinking.
posted by Sequence at 8:24 PM on November 2, 2014 [2 favorites]
posted by Sequence at 8:24 PM on November 2, 2014 [2 favorites]
There are so many different types and goals for therapy that it's hard to generalize. For me, as someone with recurrent depression, I don't think it changes me from one kind of person to another, but when I spin emotionally out of control, it helps me find my rudder again. To continue my boat metaphor, I will feel like I'm just lost in a storm emotions, buffeted by the winds this way and that, and I know I'm overreacting and catastrophizing and so on, but I'm so overwhelmed by it all that I'm not quite sure which way to steer to get back to shore. A therapist to me has been more like a compass or a lighthouse that can say, "Yes, you are steering the right direction." I'm still the one doing all the work, and I know where I want to go, but they're someone solid and calm who can give me something to hang on to while I work through all these FEEEEEEELINGS. Most people in your life who are close enough to be a sympathetic listener are reactive to you; when you're depressed or anxious, that affects your spouse, children, friends, whatever. They're moving targets who constantly react to your actions and emotions. A therapist isn't, so you're on more solid ground just HAVING EMOTIONS at them until you've managed to have them all and sorted them out.
I've always been someone who likes to sort through problems out loud; a lot of the time I can't work my way to a solution unless I can bounce it off someone, whether it's a practical work question or a big personal emotional problem. Lots of times I solve my own questions as I'm asking them out loud; more complicated issues I figure out what I need to do as I talk them through; apparently my brain just needs to filter some things through my mouth. So this type of therapy probably works for me because I need to do that to solve my problems; for someone who doesn't talk out their problems it probably seems like endless navelgazing ... but I promise, for me, it isn't!
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 8:43 PM on November 2, 2014 [2 favorites]
I've always been someone who likes to sort through problems out loud; a lot of the time I can't work my way to a solution unless I can bounce it off someone, whether it's a practical work question or a big personal emotional problem. Lots of times I solve my own questions as I'm asking them out loud; more complicated issues I figure out what I need to do as I talk them through; apparently my brain just needs to filter some things through my mouth. So this type of therapy probably works for me because I need to do that to solve my problems; for someone who doesn't talk out their problems it probably seems like endless navelgazing ... but I promise, for me, it isn't!
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 8:43 PM on November 2, 2014 [2 favorites]
I haven't gotten a lot out of talk therapy, though I use it when I can afford it so that I get some perspective and don't unload on my husband.
EMDR, however, changed my life. I used to freeze up in stressful situations, and SO MANY situations were stressful. Now I don't. And it was quick! Like a couple of months did it. I hung around for about 5 months but I shouldn't have (and the therapist wasn't pushing me, too).
posted by small_ruminant at 9:34 PM on November 2, 2014 [2 favorites]
EMDR, however, changed my life. I used to freeze up in stressful situations, and SO MANY situations were stressful. Now I don't. And it was quick! Like a couple of months did it. I hung around for about 5 months but I shouldn't have (and the therapist wasn't pushing me, too).
posted by small_ruminant at 9:34 PM on November 2, 2014 [2 favorites]
I went to therapy after the end of a really shitty, demeaning relationship which kind of threw me into an anxiety/depression spiral. My therapist helped me process negative feelings about myself (mainly, the feeling that I was stupid for falling prey to the other person's manipulative and emotionally abusive behavior, and that I was stupid for staying so long).
As part of this process, my therapist and I went through specific phone, Facebook, and email messages the guy had sent during the breakup, and she (therapist) talked through with me about how the negative things he had written and said to me were not true, and that I didn't have to believe them about myself. She also helped me find a psychiatrist so that I could get on medication for the anxiety problems I have (likely) had my entire life, and which were kind of pushed to the forefront by the stress of the relationship and breakup.
After working through a lot of stuff directly related to that relationship, we also spent some time dealing with my anxiety in general and working through my feelings about what I wanted to do school and career-wise. I was in a Ph.D. program at the time and was feeling very torn about whether I really wanted to finish the degree. She helped me process what I felt about that decision and ultimately helped me feel comfortable leaving the program.
I think what I appreciated the most while I was seeing this therapist was her presence as a neutral person I could talk to about what I was going through. I talked a lot to my parents and a few close friends during the same time about some of what was going on, but there were aspects (mostly related to sex and other highly personal aspects of the relationship) that I just wasn't ready to disclose to any of those people. I was able to talk about them to my therapist because there wasn't any emotional background in our relationship - I didn't have to think about how a story I told her might make her feel, because she could be disconnected in a way my mom or best friend couldn't.
At this point in time, I still see a psychiatrist to deal with anxiety and ADHD medications, but I don't see my current therapist all that often. I think part of that is that without a "crisis" situation driving the therapy relationship, I don't really have a particular aspect of my life I feel I need to work through. I've also moved since seeing my first therapist and just haven't found someone I really connect with the way I did with her.
posted by augustimagination at 10:16 PM on November 2, 2014 [3 favorites]
As part of this process, my therapist and I went through specific phone, Facebook, and email messages the guy had sent during the breakup, and she (therapist) talked through with me about how the negative things he had written and said to me were not true, and that I didn't have to believe them about myself. She also helped me find a psychiatrist so that I could get on medication for the anxiety problems I have (likely) had my entire life, and which were kind of pushed to the forefront by the stress of the relationship and breakup.
After working through a lot of stuff directly related to that relationship, we also spent some time dealing with my anxiety in general and working through my feelings about what I wanted to do school and career-wise. I was in a Ph.D. program at the time and was feeling very torn about whether I really wanted to finish the degree. She helped me process what I felt about that decision and ultimately helped me feel comfortable leaving the program.
I think what I appreciated the most while I was seeing this therapist was her presence as a neutral person I could talk to about what I was going through. I talked a lot to my parents and a few close friends during the same time about some of what was going on, but there were aspects (mostly related to sex and other highly personal aspects of the relationship) that I just wasn't ready to disclose to any of those people. I was able to talk about them to my therapist because there wasn't any emotional background in our relationship - I didn't have to think about how a story I told her might make her feel, because she could be disconnected in a way my mom or best friend couldn't.
At this point in time, I still see a psychiatrist to deal with anxiety and ADHD medications, but I don't see my current therapist all that often. I think part of that is that without a "crisis" situation driving the therapy relationship, I don't really have a particular aspect of my life I feel I need to work through. I've also moved since seeing my first therapist and just haven't found someone I really connect with the way I did with her.
posted by augustimagination at 10:16 PM on November 2, 2014 [3 favorites]
I am of the mindset that everyone can benefit from having a neutral party in their life that has no stake in anything except your own well-being, whatever form that may take for you. I personally prefer a therapist in this role but some people see priests for the same reason. It's an objective voice in my life.
Therapy did actually change me at my core. I used to give myself to others completely. I had no secrets. I had no boundaries. You "needed" me and I was there, with a fresh baked pan of brownies and my shoulder to cry upon and look I even brought tissues and a nice bubble bath gel so you can feel better - feel better at my expense. People who take that kind of comfort from others on a routine basis tend not to be the types to reciprocate. So I would need someone and have no one to turn to when most of my "friends" told me that talking to me was "better than therapy" and thanked me for helping them with their recurring crises.
I learned through therapy that I had no boundaries. I learned that my relationship was abusive and I learned what role I played in allowing that man to abuse me. I learned what role I played in allowing my "friends" to take advantage of me and my kindness. I learned how to say "no" and how to set boundaries and how to walk away when my boundaries were repeatedly crossed and violated. I lost "friends" but I gained a best friend - myself. I'm still kind and caring but I am careful now. I turn my kindness inward first and care about me because it turns out you are the only one who can recognize you need care and you're the only one who can make sure that your boundaries are being respected and taken seriously. Whether people violate them intentionally, like my abuser did, or unintentionally, like some of my friends did, therapy taught me how to deal with people who use me and don't respect me or my needs. It taught me how to even recognize my needs.
My therapist has been instrumental as a neutral sounding board throughout and beyond my abusive relationship. Group therapy helped me feel less alone when I was being abused. My EMDR therapist helped me get past the PTSD I acquired from being abused by my ex boyfriend for three years straight. These women all helped me become myself.
I say therapy changed me but really I changed myself, using therapy as one of many tools. I consider myself blessed to have access to therapy. Friends are great but they are not neutral. Family again is not neutral. No one has the objectivity of a therapist.
posted by sockermom at 10:59 PM on November 2, 2014 [7 favorites]
Therapy did actually change me at my core. I used to give myself to others completely. I had no secrets. I had no boundaries. You "needed" me and I was there, with a fresh baked pan of brownies and my shoulder to cry upon and look I even brought tissues and a nice bubble bath gel so you can feel better - feel better at my expense. People who take that kind of comfort from others on a routine basis tend not to be the types to reciprocate. So I would need someone and have no one to turn to when most of my "friends" told me that talking to me was "better than therapy" and thanked me for helping them with their recurring crises.
I learned through therapy that I had no boundaries. I learned that my relationship was abusive and I learned what role I played in allowing that man to abuse me. I learned what role I played in allowing my "friends" to take advantage of me and my kindness. I learned how to say "no" and how to set boundaries and how to walk away when my boundaries were repeatedly crossed and violated. I lost "friends" but I gained a best friend - myself. I'm still kind and caring but I am careful now. I turn my kindness inward first and care about me because it turns out you are the only one who can recognize you need care and you're the only one who can make sure that your boundaries are being respected and taken seriously. Whether people violate them intentionally, like my abuser did, or unintentionally, like some of my friends did, therapy taught me how to deal with people who use me and don't respect me or my needs. It taught me how to even recognize my needs.
My therapist has been instrumental as a neutral sounding board throughout and beyond my abusive relationship. Group therapy helped me feel less alone when I was being abused. My EMDR therapist helped me get past the PTSD I acquired from being abused by my ex boyfriend for three years straight. These women all helped me become myself.
I say therapy changed me but really I changed myself, using therapy as one of many tools. I consider myself blessed to have access to therapy. Friends are great but they are not neutral. Family again is not neutral. No one has the objectivity of a therapist.
posted by sockermom at 10:59 PM on November 2, 2014 [7 favorites]
I think this depends on which type of therapy you have.
I started out going to a Psycho-dynamic therapist which was really interesting and useful for me, in that it was all about digging through my thoughts and in helping me find the story of my life, and having the courage to tell that story.
What i did find frustrating about it, being based in psychoanalysis was the "victim blaming" aspects of it, which I was less keen about.
As a result after a while I switched to seeing a person centered therapist instead which was very good in giving me the total acceptance and therefore reassurance and encouragement I was looking for.
Having done it I'm a far more happy, calm centred and emotionally regulated person and can finally relax in my sense of self. Sorting this out has really opened my eyes to my true emotions and made a real difference to my appreciation of art, and stories and people which has been a bit of a revelation. While being true to my emotions has kept me on a much happier path in my life.
posted by Middlemarch at 1:40 AM on November 3, 2014
I started out going to a Psycho-dynamic therapist which was really interesting and useful for me, in that it was all about digging through my thoughts and in helping me find the story of my life, and having the courage to tell that story.
What i did find frustrating about it, being based in psychoanalysis was the "victim blaming" aspects of it, which I was less keen about.
As a result after a while I switched to seeing a person centered therapist instead which was very good in giving me the total acceptance and therefore reassurance and encouragement I was looking for.
Having done it I'm a far more happy, calm centred and emotionally regulated person and can finally relax in my sense of self. Sorting this out has really opened my eyes to my true emotions and made a real difference to my appreciation of art, and stories and people which has been a bit of a revelation. While being true to my emotions has kept me on a much happier path in my life.
posted by Middlemarch at 1:40 AM on November 3, 2014
I spent thirteen years with un- and later misdiagnosed (and un- and later mistreated) bipolar disorder. I also grew up in an emotionally weird household. The selection of coping mechanisms I developed to deal with those two things ended up being pretty maladaptive once I found myself in a more stable situation, life-wise.
Therapy is a safe place that lets me test out stuff that feels too scary to do in real life. For instance, I have a lot of trouble being vulnerable, and I'm very risk-averse. So I can try out being vulnerable with my therapist, which is a low-risk situation - I'm not going to damage one of my real-life relationships by trying it out in therapy, and finding out through therapy that it's okay to be vulnerable and that being vulnerable can go well then helps me translate that into trying it out in my real relationships, which ultimately makes them more healthy.
I'm very avoidant. In real life, this means I blow stuff and people off a lot because it feels less risky to not do something that has a small chance of being bad and/or scary (I'm talking going to parties and talking to my friends about my feelings, nothing super dangerous, just stuff I find hard to deal with) than to take that risk, even if doing so is more likely to pay off for me than not doing so. With previous therapists, I've used avoidance to get out of talking about the worst bits of my feelings and the stuff I find really hard to talk about. With my current therapist, I sent her an email before we started working together detailing these patterns and asking her to hold me more accountable. So now, if I'm feeling avoidant about feelings or therapy, that's something I'm going to talk about in therapy, rather than a reason to quit therapy over.
I find it easier now to short-circuit negative thought patterns. I used to let my brain talk me into corners a lot, and used the irrefutable negative logic of long-ingrained depressive thought patterns as really sound reasons to do or not to do things, and as cast-iron logic as to why everything was hopeless and pointless and I was going to be unhappy forever (so I might as well sabotage myself a whole bunch now because, eh, what difference could it make?). Therapy has been good for helping me see that the things I believe about myself and the world are not necessarily the only truth.
I am trying to be kinder to myself, and that's something I wouldn't have done without therapy.
It's really, really slow. I have a lot of behaviours and thought patterns that are doing me no favours whatsoever, and honestly I don't know if it's even possible for me to get to a place where my thoughts and feelings are pretty much like the thoughts and feelings of a person who didn't spend the vast majority of the last thirteen years being depressed. But I do know that it's possible to get to a place where my thoughts and feelings are significantly less worse than they used to be, and that's enough hope for me to go on for now.
(I use "real" throughout to distinguish from "during therapy sessions" - I definitely think therapy is real, and part of my real life, but there's something about the therapeutic environment which is different enough for me that it needs differentiation)
posted by terretu at 2:35 AM on November 3, 2014 [6 favorites]
Therapy is a safe place that lets me test out stuff that feels too scary to do in real life. For instance, I have a lot of trouble being vulnerable, and I'm very risk-averse. So I can try out being vulnerable with my therapist, which is a low-risk situation - I'm not going to damage one of my real-life relationships by trying it out in therapy, and finding out through therapy that it's okay to be vulnerable and that being vulnerable can go well then helps me translate that into trying it out in my real relationships, which ultimately makes them more healthy.
I'm very avoidant. In real life, this means I blow stuff and people off a lot because it feels less risky to not do something that has a small chance of being bad and/or scary (I'm talking going to parties and talking to my friends about my feelings, nothing super dangerous, just stuff I find hard to deal with) than to take that risk, even if doing so is more likely to pay off for me than not doing so. With previous therapists, I've used avoidance to get out of talking about the worst bits of my feelings and the stuff I find really hard to talk about. With my current therapist, I sent her an email before we started working together detailing these patterns and asking her to hold me more accountable. So now, if I'm feeling avoidant about feelings or therapy, that's something I'm going to talk about in therapy, rather than a reason to quit therapy over.
I find it easier now to short-circuit negative thought patterns. I used to let my brain talk me into corners a lot, and used the irrefutable negative logic of long-ingrained depressive thought patterns as really sound reasons to do or not to do things, and as cast-iron logic as to why everything was hopeless and pointless and I was going to be unhappy forever (so I might as well sabotage myself a whole bunch now because, eh, what difference could it make?). Therapy has been good for helping me see that the things I believe about myself and the world are not necessarily the only truth.
I am trying to be kinder to myself, and that's something I wouldn't have done without therapy.
It's really, really slow. I have a lot of behaviours and thought patterns that are doing me no favours whatsoever, and honestly I don't know if it's even possible for me to get to a place where my thoughts and feelings are pretty much like the thoughts and feelings of a person who didn't spend the vast majority of the last thirteen years being depressed. But I do know that it's possible to get to a place where my thoughts and feelings are significantly less worse than they used to be, and that's enough hope for me to go on for now.
(I use "real" throughout to distinguish from "during therapy sessions" - I definitely think therapy is real, and part of my real life, but there's something about the therapeutic environment which is different enough for me that it needs differentiation)
posted by terretu at 2:35 AM on November 3, 2014 [6 favorites]
I had a few difficult years about twenty years ago. Therapy didn't work well for me (with one exception, that I'll describe further down). I saw a few different therapists, but they were all passive—they didn't really offer much advice or give me any kind of concrete help. They prescribed a lot of drugs whose main effect was to make me sleepy and fat. The therapists were kind of useless, actually, and I ended up wasting a lot of time and money on them (and I still have much of the weight I gained from the drugs).
I think what I really needed was someone who was a combination of a life coach, drill sergeant, career counselor, financial adviser, best friend, and parent. I needed someone who could help me eat better food, go to bed at a decent hour, clean-up my godawful finances, stop smoking & drinking, reply to messages on time, start an exercise program, get along with my family better—and, above all, look for a better job. I was stuck in a rut, and my therapists didn't do anything to help get me out of it. With one exception.
The last therapist I saw (who was also the least academically credentialed one of the bunch) advised me to do volunteer work. At this point, I had been fired from my job, and I was hardly leaving my home. I really didn't want to volunteer, and I could think of a million reasons why it was a bad time. However, after a bit of gentle prompting, I did eventually get a volunteer position. This single step started a domino effect of positive changes in my life.
I also wanted to mention that I found this book to be helpful: Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy, by David Burns, MD.
posted by akk2014 at 5:08 AM on November 3, 2014 [1 favorite]
I think what I really needed was someone who was a combination of a life coach, drill sergeant, career counselor, financial adviser, best friend, and parent. I needed someone who could help me eat better food, go to bed at a decent hour, clean-up my godawful finances, stop smoking & drinking, reply to messages on time, start an exercise program, get along with my family better—and, above all, look for a better job. I was stuck in a rut, and my therapists didn't do anything to help get me out of it. With one exception.
The last therapist I saw (who was also the least academically credentialed one of the bunch) advised me to do volunteer work. At this point, I had been fired from my job, and I was hardly leaving my home. I really didn't want to volunteer, and I could think of a million reasons why it was a bad time. However, after a bit of gentle prompting, I did eventually get a volunteer position. This single step started a domino effect of positive changes in my life.
I also wanted to mention that I found this book to be helpful: Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy, by David Burns, MD.
posted by akk2014 at 5:08 AM on November 3, 2014 [1 favorite]
It is such pot luck finding the right therapist - I tried quite a few in my twenties/thirties, always based on someone's recommendation, and really only two were at all helpful. (Often the choice is limited further by your insurance.) The one ('counsellor') I would have loved to continue seeing only ever saw people for six sessions, and then I signed up with a psychiatrist who never said a word except to tell me to change my wardrobe, and (advice I did value) that risk-taking was a healthy thing. He was entirely in it for the money, was outraged when I walked out after a year, and later lost his license for sexual misconduct with patients.
The real value of seeing someone, in my experience, is to get the right reality checks, and to internalize the patterns of the conversation, so you can "be your own best friend." Actually, sometimes a friend can, accidentally or not, ask just the right question that takes you to a new level of healing.
posted by mmiddle at 7:44 AM on November 3, 2014 [2 favorites]
The real value of seeing someone, in my experience, is to get the right reality checks, and to internalize the patterns of the conversation, so you can "be your own best friend." Actually, sometimes a friend can, accidentally or not, ask just the right question that takes you to a new level of healing.
posted by mmiddle at 7:44 AM on November 3, 2014 [2 favorites]
Therapy didn't change me into a different kind of person so much as it helped me to get out of my own way by identifying thought processes that were keeping me in a death spiral of anxiety and depression. I found it very helpful, but like most things, you get out of it what you put in.
posted by velvet_n_purrs at 8:13 AM on November 3, 2014 [3 favorites]
posted by velvet_n_purrs at 8:13 AM on November 3, 2014 [3 favorites]
I don't know if this has been covered, but I had a therapist VERY BRIEFLY (two sessions). The main thing I wanted, and got, was a clear-headed view of all of my options in a difficult situation.
posted by harrietthespy at 11:46 AM on November 3, 2014 [1 favorite]
posted by harrietthespy at 11:46 AM on November 3, 2014 [1 favorite]
Therapy is a tool. The therapist is a mechanic.
What you do with them is up to you. What you get out of therapy is affected by the special skills the mechanic has and what you ask of them.
It is possible to spend a lot of time in therapy and accomplish very little (my sister has done this) because: change is scary, sometimes terrifying, even when you want it.
Or you can dig in, push and work hard, brave the (many) harrowing moments, and move mountains. But, you have to be the motivator in the process. The therapist is there to help you reach your goals. They aren't going to give you goals and they aren't going be the driver in the relationship.
I was a complete therapy skeptic until facing a situation I had no clue how to address. It took a couple of weeks to decide what I wanted in a therapist (age range, gender, specialties, location, etc.) but I hit the jackpot first try.
I worked with Dr. Awesome twice a week for over year, doing EMDR, DBT, a ton of free writing, anything that might help, and felt like a new person (in a good way) every month or so. Friends commented on the changes they saw in me, which was always a lovely surprise to hear. For some reason, I never expected the changes to be visible.
Along the way my attitude towards emotional pain changed. It became the guideposts for what still needed work, healing, attention.
Sometimes I think that I'm done, there's nothing left to work on, but then a little while later a whole 'nuther area opens up that I'd completely missed. So, I still visit with Dr. Awesome once a week.
posted by trinity8-director at 2:49 PM on November 3, 2014 [2 favorites]
What you do with them is up to you. What you get out of therapy is affected by the special skills the mechanic has and what you ask of them.
It is possible to spend a lot of time in therapy and accomplish very little (my sister has done this) because: change is scary, sometimes terrifying, even when you want it.
Or you can dig in, push and work hard, brave the (many) harrowing moments, and move mountains. But, you have to be the motivator in the process. The therapist is there to help you reach your goals. They aren't going to give you goals and they aren't going be the driver in the relationship.
I was a complete therapy skeptic until facing a situation I had no clue how to address. It took a couple of weeks to decide what I wanted in a therapist (age range, gender, specialties, location, etc.) but I hit the jackpot first try.
I worked with Dr. Awesome twice a week for over year, doing EMDR, DBT, a ton of free writing, anything that might help, and felt like a new person (in a good way) every month or so. Friends commented on the changes they saw in me, which was always a lovely surprise to hear. For some reason, I never expected the changes to be visible.
Along the way my attitude towards emotional pain changed. It became the guideposts for what still needed work, healing, attention.
Sometimes I think that I'm done, there's nothing left to work on, but then a little while later a whole 'nuther area opens up that I'd completely missed. So, I still visit with Dr. Awesome once a week.
posted by trinity8-director at 2:49 PM on November 3, 2014 [2 favorites]
I had CBT that helped me through a lot of issues related to coming out (as gay). It didn't change my personality but rather it changed the way I think about certain situations. I'm less likely to jump to dramatic conclusions and I am more rational. It took a couple years but I believe this change in thinking to be a HUGE asset to the rest of my life.
It really helped me to open up. I was a mess when I went in - parts of myself were completely closed off. I went through depression and didn't have to take meds.
I'm still going - I am still in a dark and frustrating time in my life, and my sessions are kind of like small lights at the end of a tunnel where I can pause, unload, and get some perspective.
I totally agree that you have to find the right therapist that you click with. My first therapist was not a match. Got a recommendation from a friend and really lucked out on my second therapist.
Anyway. Since my insurance sucks and I have a huge copay, I still will 100% say that my sessions were worth every penny.
posted by christiehawk at 6:58 PM on November 3, 2014
It really helped me to open up. I was a mess when I went in - parts of myself were completely closed off. I went through depression and didn't have to take meds.
I'm still going - I am still in a dark and frustrating time in my life, and my sessions are kind of like small lights at the end of a tunnel where I can pause, unload, and get some perspective.
I totally agree that you have to find the right therapist that you click with. My first therapist was not a match. Got a recommendation from a friend and really lucked out on my second therapist.
Anyway. Since my insurance sucks and I have a huge copay, I still will 100% say that my sessions were worth every penny.
posted by christiehawk at 6:58 PM on November 3, 2014
"To be artless about it, therapy (I suppose) is supposed to help you change from one kind of person to another."
Um, not quite true. First, you have to be open to change. If you are unhappy, it's important to first understand why that might be. If you're open, a good therapist can guide you through that process. But it's up to you to take up that challenge. Change is hard. But if one realizes that the status quo is no longer acceptable, then the only way to go is to make changes in how you think about yourself, how you think about others, how you got to be where you are now, and what things you'd like to shed. A good therapist can help you do that.
posted by Taken Outtacontext at 8:54 AM on November 4, 2014
Um, not quite true. First, you have to be open to change. If you are unhappy, it's important to first understand why that might be. If you're open, a good therapist can guide you through that process. But it's up to you to take up that challenge. Change is hard. But if one realizes that the status quo is no longer acceptable, then the only way to go is to make changes in how you think about yourself, how you think about others, how you got to be where you are now, and what things you'd like to shed. A good therapist can help you do that.
posted by Taken Outtacontext at 8:54 AM on November 4, 2014
Good therapy forces you to look at some uncomfortable spots inside your head. When I moved back to Pittsburgh, I found a therapist that kept turning my attention inwards to places I didn't want to go. But that's about it, really: just kind of looking that direction.
Great therapy forces you to engage those spots, and do something with them, instead of just reacting to them or making choices because of them. I moved from "good therapist" to "great therapist", by rehiring the one I used originally in Pittsburgh many years ago. I told him I wanted to work with him because his sessions were hard work, and he never let me off easy. When I first started seeing him, I'd leave the hour feeling like I'd both worked out (physically) and cried all hour (but crying there was rare). Dark days, but with a lot of progress.
Bad therapy includes any that make you feel less worthy, or that leaves you feeling like that hour really didn't engage you emotionally, so it was a waste of time.
It takes a lot of courage to get your money's worth out of a therapist. You have to face the memories and thoughts that scare you the most.
EDIT: It has 100%, no-doubt saved my life, so... yes, I recommend it.
posted by IAmBroom at 11:19 AM on November 4, 2014
Great therapy forces you to engage those spots, and do something with them, instead of just reacting to them or making choices because of them. I moved from "good therapist" to "great therapist", by rehiring the one I used originally in Pittsburgh many years ago. I told him I wanted to work with him because his sessions were hard work, and he never let me off easy. When I first started seeing him, I'd leave the hour feeling like I'd both worked out (physically) and cried all hour (but crying there was rare). Dark days, but with a lot of progress.
Bad therapy includes any that make you feel less worthy, or that leaves you feeling like that hour really didn't engage you emotionally, so it was a waste of time.
It takes a lot of courage to get your money's worth out of a therapist. You have to face the memories and thoughts that scare you the most.
EDIT: It has 100%, no-doubt saved my life, so... yes, I recommend it.
posted by IAmBroom at 11:19 AM on November 4, 2014
Personally, I've never felt awkward for paying for service after all doctors don't treat patients based on altruism alone. It'd be unrealistic to consider how therapists would do the same for me.
I've been under medical care for approx 7-8 years now starting at HS and until college. Typically, it will be included in the health insurance plans available in the USA but I can't say the same for overseas.
Therapy helped me gain a outsider's POV on my life's problems and it didn't strain my current relationships. IMHO, it's rarely a good idea to ask your family or friends during stressful times since it will negatively affect the actual relationship. Also, it borderlines into oversharing which is awkward for everyone involved.
Basically, a safe space is what I'd been searching for over the years. For my entire life I'd people be overly critical or judgemental for no reason and as a result my self-esteem is low. For once it was nice to not have to back up everything because the other person didn't immediately doubt you because of your age, appearance, or interests.
For example, there is no long drawn out argument about how it's not really about ME instead I'm selfish or a bad person who deserved it. No one at the sessions is going to force me to do any activity I disliked even if I've never tried it before. Up until then I felt as if I was always being dragged from one boring place to another because it's expected of me.
I'm not 100% well but I'm much better than I was years ago and I thank all the therapists and doctors I've visited for helping me make progress to a better future.
posted by chrono_rabbit at 6:07 PM on November 5, 2014
I've been under medical care for approx 7-8 years now starting at HS and until college. Typically, it will be included in the health insurance plans available in the USA but I can't say the same for overseas.
Therapy helped me gain a outsider's POV on my life's problems and it didn't strain my current relationships. IMHO, it's rarely a good idea to ask your family or friends during stressful times since it will negatively affect the actual relationship. Also, it borderlines into oversharing which is awkward for everyone involved.
Basically, a safe space is what I'd been searching for over the years. For my entire life I'd people be overly critical or judgemental for no reason and as a result my self-esteem is low. For once it was nice to not have to back up everything because the other person didn't immediately doubt you because of your age, appearance, or interests.
For example, there is no long drawn out argument about how it's not really about ME instead I'm selfish or a bad person who deserved it. No one at the sessions is going to force me to do any activity I disliked even if I've never tried it before. Up until then I felt as if I was always being dragged from one boring place to another because it's expected of me.
I'm not 100% well but I'm much better than I was years ago and I thank all the therapists and doctors I've visited for helping me make progress to a better future.
posted by chrono_rabbit at 6:07 PM on November 5, 2014
I did a round of CBT for social anxiety. It was short term and it was focused on mindfulness strategies to deal with negative thoughts. It helped me gained an awareness of my thought patterns. More importantly, it made me aware of how much time I was spending being anxious and motivated me, after years, to get an appointment with a psychiatrist and a prescription for Lexapro which made me a much more calm and contented person. Basically, my satisfaction level with my life has increased dramatically, indirectly resulting from therapy. (Over the course of about 4 1/2 months.)
posted by mermily at 2:17 PM on November 6, 2014
posted by mermily at 2:17 PM on November 6, 2014
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I still have a way to go, but I'm much more in control now than I was a few years ago. It's been a long, long road, but I wouldn't have been able to make it without the work that I did which the therapists I've know.
posted by Gorgik at 3:27 PM on November 2, 2014 [2 favorites]