Everything was fine this morning, until...
October 9, 2014 10:01 PM Subscribe
This morning my boss sent me an unannounced meeting request and an hour later told me that I needed to watch my attitude. This makes no sense to me, what am I missing?
I love my boss, she is a fantastic person and manager. I work in a team staffed by 7 women of all different ages and experiences in the roles we do. I am the youngest (32), the only full time person other than my manager, and also the least experienced in this position, yet the most experienced with the programs that we use.
Over the last year there has been many changes with the way things are done, new staff members coming on board, myself included, and also a change of office and seating arrangements. I always saw myself as the mediator, the one that everyone calls on for help, to advocate for them, have a whinge about policy or a general chat about life. I get on great with everyone and although this job isn't my dream career the people make it bearable, especially my boss.
Today she called me into her office and said the following:
You are such a valued member of this team, you are so intelligent and way over qualified and you are the glue that holds your office together. But sometimes you can be a little direct, you know abrupt. You might just need to dial it down a bit.
Now honestly, I had no idea what she was on about. So I asked for clarification and examples. She couldn't give any. I asked if someone was upset at me, she said no. I asked if someone has come to her with a complaint, she said no, but there had been 'rumblings'.
What on earth does that mean? I'm feeling upset about this because my relationships are the best part of this job and I'm not sure what to make of her statements, especially with no actual feedback. She indicated that sometimes in meetings I can be ... (she made a stabbing motion with her hand but didn't find a word) maybe forceful? I don't know. I always felt that I was trying to make sure everyone got their point across and sometimes that means speaking up. I honestly cannot pinpoint what she is referring to.
There has been some tension in the office lately but I felt as though I was the one diffusing that tension.
Can anyone read between the lines here and let me know what it means to be 'direct' and 'abrupt' in a work environment. What steps can I take to make changes despite not knowing the actual behavior she is talking about. I feel like I should just keep my mouth closed in meetings as a silent stand against whoever it was that 'rumbled' but that seems a bit passive aggressive. Shit gets done because of me and I'm not really willing to make my job harder on myself to prove a point.
I love my boss, she is a fantastic person and manager. I work in a team staffed by 7 women of all different ages and experiences in the roles we do. I am the youngest (32), the only full time person other than my manager, and also the least experienced in this position, yet the most experienced with the programs that we use.
Over the last year there has been many changes with the way things are done, new staff members coming on board, myself included, and also a change of office and seating arrangements. I always saw myself as the mediator, the one that everyone calls on for help, to advocate for them, have a whinge about policy or a general chat about life. I get on great with everyone and although this job isn't my dream career the people make it bearable, especially my boss.
Today she called me into her office and said the following:
You are such a valued member of this team, you are so intelligent and way over qualified and you are the glue that holds your office together. But sometimes you can be a little direct, you know abrupt. You might just need to dial it down a bit.
Now honestly, I had no idea what she was on about. So I asked for clarification and examples. She couldn't give any. I asked if someone was upset at me, she said no. I asked if someone has come to her with a complaint, she said no, but there had been 'rumblings'.
What on earth does that mean? I'm feeling upset about this because my relationships are the best part of this job and I'm not sure what to make of her statements, especially with no actual feedback. She indicated that sometimes in meetings I can be ... (she made a stabbing motion with her hand but didn't find a word) maybe forceful? I don't know. I always felt that I was trying to make sure everyone got their point across and sometimes that means speaking up. I honestly cannot pinpoint what she is referring to.
There has been some tension in the office lately but I felt as though I was the one diffusing that tension.
Can anyone read between the lines here and let me know what it means to be 'direct' and 'abrupt' in a work environment. What steps can I take to make changes despite not knowing the actual behavior she is talking about. I feel like I should just keep my mouth closed in meetings as a silent stand against whoever it was that 'rumbled' but that seems a bit passive aggressive. Shit gets done because of me and I'm not really willing to make my job harder on myself to prove a point.
Maybe shit gets done even if you don't intervene? I don't want to project onto you, but I have a co-worker who seems to think that she needs to intervene in every single discussion in my office, and she ends up making things more complicated because she doesn't need to be contributing her opinion, because she's not directly involved in the issue.
Are you trying to mediate discussions that don't involve you? If so, stop doing that.
posted by jaguar at 10:15 PM on October 9, 2014 [38 favorites]
Are you trying to mediate discussions that don't involve you? If so, stop doing that.
posted by jaguar at 10:15 PM on October 9, 2014 [38 favorites]
How likely is it that the company needs to fire you for financial reasons?
posted by Omnomnom at 10:20 PM on October 9, 2014 [5 favorites]
posted by Omnomnom at 10:20 PM on October 9, 2014 [5 favorites]
Response by poster: I'll just clarify that I am absolutely not getting fired, actually I am on a contract and my immediate boss and the management team above her are working on making me permanent. The head of the department would make heads roll if I was terminated. I am sure of that.
posted by Youremyworld at 10:25 PM on October 9, 2014
posted by Youremyworld at 10:25 PM on October 9, 2014
Maybe you have not been deferential enough to your boss - and the rumbles are coming from her.
posted by salad at 10:27 PM on October 9, 2014 [13 favorites]
posted by salad at 10:27 PM on October 9, 2014 [13 favorites]
Well, there's some reason she's talking to you like that, or she wouldn't risk making you quit by dragging you into her office to take a strip off you for some mysterious infraction she can't actually divulge.
You think she's going to throw herself under a bus to save you?
posted by Lyn Never at 10:29 PM on October 9, 2014 [2 favorites]
You think she's going to throw herself under a bus to save you?
posted by Lyn Never at 10:29 PM on October 9, 2014 [2 favorites]
You work with all women and you are the youngest....yes, this is going to sound sexist, and most likely is, but sometimes directness and bluntness can be perceived as rude.... by any chance are any of your fellow employees Southern?
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 10:32 PM on October 9, 2014 [9 favorites]
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 10:32 PM on October 9, 2014 [9 favorites]
I agree with where Lyn Never is coming from, but that is absolutely not an email I would send in response to being told to be "less direct."
posted by Nonsteroidal Anti-Inflammatory Drug at 10:38 PM on October 9, 2014 [79 favorites]
posted by Nonsteroidal Anti-Inflammatory Drug at 10:38 PM on October 9, 2014 [79 favorites]
What you do is send her an email.
Uh, no.
Your manager manages more people than just you, yes? And you are the youngest and least experienced, yes? So somebody probably complained to your manager over something. It doesn't even really sound like your manager gives that much of a shit beyond how people are working together at the office, which is actually really important to her as a manager, and sleeping at night.
Work with that. By far the best thing you can do is befriend your manager, thank her and ask her if there's anything else you can do, and be part of the team, and that way you'll get more information and isolate the problem.
Speaking from experience, be careful with being the glue of the office. It doesn't mean your bulletproof. Glue needs consensus, but there are always going to be problems in the workplace. Really good workers can get shit on. You can't take everything personally because people will exploit you. I'm not sure what to make of comments like "I felt as though I was the one diffusing that tension" or "I always felt that I was trying to make sure everyone got their point across and sometimes that means speaking up." But perhaps as the most junior player, there's something to look at there in terms of what your responsibilities are. Don't sell out, just tweak things.
posted by phaedon at 10:46 PM on October 9, 2014 [20 favorites]
Uh, no.
Your manager manages more people than just you, yes? And you are the youngest and least experienced, yes? So somebody probably complained to your manager over something. It doesn't even really sound like your manager gives that much of a shit beyond how people are working together at the office, which is actually really important to her as a manager, and sleeping at night.
Work with that. By far the best thing you can do is befriend your manager, thank her and ask her if there's anything else you can do, and be part of the team, and that way you'll get more information and isolate the problem.
Speaking from experience, be careful with being the glue of the office. It doesn't mean your bulletproof. Glue needs consensus, but there are always going to be problems in the workplace. Really good workers can get shit on. You can't take everything personally because people will exploit you. I'm not sure what to make of comments like "I felt as though I was the one diffusing that tension" or "I always felt that I was trying to make sure everyone got their point across and sometimes that means speaking up." But perhaps as the most junior player, there's something to look at there in terms of what your responsibilities are. Don't sell out, just tweak things.
posted by phaedon at 10:46 PM on October 9, 2014 [20 favorites]
Over the last year there has been many changes with the way things are done, new staff members coming on board, myself included, and also a change of office and seating arrangements. I always saw myself as the mediator, the one that everyone calls on for help, to advocate for them, have a whinge about policy or a general chat about life. I get on great with everyone and although this job isn't my dream career the people make it bearable, especially my boss.
It's about this. You're both the youngest and the newest, and you think you're the mediator that everyone calls on for help? I think that is unlikely; it wouldn't fit any work situation I've ever been in. Is it your job to advocate for them, or is that another surprising extra role for the youngest, newest member of the team?
You describe the work as 'bearable' though not your dream career. Your boss told you that you were intelligent and way overqualified--those aren't compliments, they're suggesting an attitude adjustment in a language that she thinks you'll understand. I think that your boss is trying to tell you that your work and your co-workers deserve your full respect. I think that you should focus on executing your work and also on figuring out whatever it is that you really want to be doing for a career and make a plan to get there.
posted by Kwine at 10:49 PM on October 9, 2014 [73 favorites]
It's about this. You're both the youngest and the newest, and you think you're the mediator that everyone calls on for help? I think that is unlikely; it wouldn't fit any work situation I've ever been in. Is it your job to advocate for them, or is that another surprising extra role for the youngest, newest member of the team?
You describe the work as 'bearable' though not your dream career. Your boss told you that you were intelligent and way overqualified--those aren't compliments, they're suggesting an attitude adjustment in a language that she thinks you'll understand. I think that your boss is trying to tell you that your work and your co-workers deserve your full respect. I think that you should focus on executing your work and also on figuring out whatever it is that you really want to be doing for a career and make a plan to get there.
posted by Kwine at 10:49 PM on October 9, 2014 [73 favorites]
I don't have any constructive advice to give, but I once had a job where I was the "glue" of the department, my immediate supervisor insisted she'd go to battle for me if it came down to it, I was on track to transition into a more permanent/senior role, I worked really hard to be easygoing and helpful and kind to everyone, basically exactly what you're saying.
And then I got unceremoniously let go under highly sketchy circumstances. Either because of bullshit political stuff that was way above my head, or for potentially illegal reasons that are so bad I can't talk about it specifically here. Take your pick, really. I was equally unemployed, either way.
I don't want to say "brace yourself to be let go", but you should definitely be less certain of your irreplaceability.
posted by Sara C. at 10:53 PM on October 9, 2014 [19 favorites]
And then I got unceremoniously let go under highly sketchy circumstances. Either because of bullshit political stuff that was way above my head, or for potentially illegal reasons that are so bad I can't talk about it specifically here. Take your pick, really. I was equally unemployed, either way.
I don't want to say "brace yourself to be let go", but you should definitely be less certain of your irreplaceability.
posted by Sara C. at 10:53 PM on October 9, 2014 [19 favorites]
This sort of vague criticism is undermining and creates such a needlessly stressful environment; you have my sympathy.
I take you at your word, but there is a kind of...brusqueness, I guess, in your description of the issue, and I wonder if this is what your boss is gesturing toward. In particular, this statement stood out to me:
Shit gets done because of me
Also, you seem to think that you are holding the office together. Maybe that's true, but I would try not to telegraph that, if possible.
Having an all-women team is going to make the interpersonal issues especially challenging, I think. (And no, I'm not a sexist or essentialist--but there is a tendency for women to engage in more indirect communication than men. Like salad pointed out, I wouldn't be surprised if the "rumbles" your boss referred to actually came from her; if this is the case, she might have been turning this over in her mind for quite some time.)
If you want to stay, you might try hanging back a bit in the meetings. Perhaps you could have some rule for yourself like you wait for at least two people to comment before you offer your suggestions. Also, you might want to step down from your position as office mediator, at least for a while.
posted by girl flaneur at 10:54 PM on October 9, 2014 [15 favorites]
I take you at your word, but there is a kind of...brusqueness, I guess, in your description of the issue, and I wonder if this is what your boss is gesturing toward. In particular, this statement stood out to me:
Shit gets done because of me
Also, you seem to think that you are holding the office together. Maybe that's true, but I would try not to telegraph that, if possible.
Having an all-women team is going to make the interpersonal issues especially challenging, I think. (And no, I'm not a sexist or essentialist--but there is a tendency for women to engage in more indirect communication than men. Like salad pointed out, I wouldn't be surprised if the "rumbles" your boss referred to actually came from her; if this is the case, she might have been turning this over in her mind for quite some time.)
If you want to stay, you might try hanging back a bit in the meetings. Perhaps you could have some rule for yourself like you wait for at least two people to comment before you offer your suggestions. Also, you might want to step down from your position as office mediator, at least for a while.
posted by girl flaneur at 10:54 PM on October 9, 2014 [15 favorites]
I agree with what jaguar wrote. Expanding on it, perhaps you think that you're being helpful in meetings by speaking up for people but you're actually just speaking over people? I can be a quiet person and sometimes it takes me a little while to articulate what I want to say, and it shits me to tears when someone 'helpful' speaks up for me. It's not helpful, it's silencing.
If you're really that overqualified and intelligent, find a job that's more suitable.
posted by kinddieserzeit at 11:09 PM on October 9, 2014 [16 favorites]
If you're really that overqualified and intelligent, find a job that's more suitable.
posted by kinddieserzeit at 11:09 PM on October 9, 2014 [16 favorites]
All the suggestions that have been made here are reasonable possibilities. The person best placed to clarify exactly what's going on is your boss -- but if your version of events is accurate, she couldn't or wouldn't do so. I agree with Lyn Never that she may be setting you up. But who knows?
Perhaps you could ask her to give you some kind of verbal or non-verbal cue when she feels you're overstepping a boundary. That might give you an idea of what the problem is, and it would at least signal to her that you're taking her concerns seriously.
posted by Perodicticus potto at 11:16 PM on October 9, 2014 [7 favorites]
Perhaps you could ask her to give you some kind of verbal or non-verbal cue when she feels you're overstepping a boundary. That might give you an idea of what the problem is, and it would at least signal to her that you're taking her concerns seriously.
posted by Perodicticus potto at 11:16 PM on October 9, 2014 [7 favorites]
Thank your boss for informing you of your personal style before it becomes a problem.
Giving specifics instead of generalities as criticism often doesn't work because being defensive means people are great at seeing fine distinctions that make them unable to generalize from specifics.
Some types of people, myself included, are direct or abrupt without knowing it. These including the smartest, the most knowledgeable, those who sit and fume during time wasting meetings as participants who know the least talk the most, and those who don't react to being criticized as a personal attack or an attempt to shame. The opposite types of people really dislike being on the receiving end of a direct or abrupt statement. If you find yourself making statements that you see as obvious and thus not needing supporting evidence or easing your way into it, others for whom this is new or contradictory information will likely experience as a criticism and/or attempt to shame.
Maybe an example will put this in perspective. I was part of a team under a brilliant award winning software architect. He was usually direct and abrupt just to save time. Half the team hated asking him for help because no matter what he said all they heard was 'You idiot, that's not your problem. You screwed up 5 steps ago. Fix that and this problem wouldn't have happened'. Then he'd explain the different path. The other half heard 'Five steps ago you took the path you knew. It works but results in later having to solve difficult problems.' Then he'd explain the different path. Those programmers learned from him in leaps and bounds. The others didn't.
posted by Homer42 at 11:46 PM on October 9, 2014 [14 favorites]
Giving specifics instead of generalities as criticism often doesn't work because being defensive means people are great at seeing fine distinctions that make them unable to generalize from specifics.
Some types of people, myself included, are direct or abrupt without knowing it. These including the smartest, the most knowledgeable, those who sit and fume during time wasting meetings as participants who know the least talk the most, and those who don't react to being criticized as a personal attack or an attempt to shame. The opposite types of people really dislike being on the receiving end of a direct or abrupt statement. If you find yourself making statements that you see as obvious and thus not needing supporting evidence or easing your way into it, others for whom this is new or contradictory information will likely experience as a criticism and/or attempt to shame.
Maybe an example will put this in perspective. I was part of a team under a brilliant award winning software architect. He was usually direct and abrupt just to save time. Half the team hated asking him for help because no matter what he said all they heard was 'You idiot, that's not your problem. You screwed up 5 steps ago. Fix that and this problem wouldn't have happened'. Then he'd explain the different path. The other half heard 'Five steps ago you took the path you knew. It works but results in later having to solve difficult problems.' Then he'd explain the different path. Those programmers learned from him in leaps and bounds. The others didn't.
posted by Homer42 at 11:46 PM on October 9, 2014 [14 favorites]
Forgot to add to prior post.
I used a book to learn tactics to move me from direct and/or abrupt. It's sold 15 million copies. It's been said the less value one sees in the outline of the chapter titles, the more value they'll get from the book.
posted by Homer42 at 12:02 AM on October 10, 2014 [6 favorites]
I used a book to learn tactics to move me from direct and/or abrupt. It's sold 15 million copies. It's been said the less value one sees in the outline of the chapter titles, the more value they'll get from the book.
posted by Homer42 at 12:02 AM on October 10, 2014 [6 favorites]
You are unquestionably right in a moral sense. Being herded into a bullshit communication style and being challenged for your assertiveness is wrong.
However this is part of the problem with capitalist society. It's called alienation, and it is the cage that we live in. Take solace in the fact that it is not your fault.
If you need to keep this job, think of it as an opportunity to learn to ape a communication style that is not yours. It may feel wrong, but think of it as making you more powerful.
posted by Mistress at 1:53 AM on October 10, 2014
However this is part of the problem with capitalist society. It's called alienation, and it is the cage that we live in. Take solace in the fact that it is not your fault.
If you need to keep this job, think of it as an opportunity to learn to ape a communication style that is not yours. It may feel wrong, but think of it as making you more powerful.
posted by Mistress at 1:53 AM on October 10, 2014
And yes it is a good idea to keep your mouth closed in meetings. It is a great chance to study the room and learn how people work so you can get things done in future.
If there are mistakes being made if you keep silent, perhaps you need a confederate for meetings - brief her with all the corrections she needs to counter your colleagues when someone has their facts wrong. Make sure your boss knows you're doing this so you get the credit.
posted by Mistress at 1:58 AM on October 10, 2014 [2 favorites]
If there are mistakes being made if you keep silent, perhaps you need a confederate for meetings - brief her with all the corrections she needs to counter your colleagues when someone has their facts wrong. Make sure your boss knows you're doing this so you get the credit.
posted by Mistress at 1:58 AM on October 10, 2014 [2 favorites]
"You know too much and you're too good at your job. Dial it back to so that other people stop feeling inadequate."
I bet that you leave within a year.
posted by heyjude at 2:58 AM on October 10, 2014 [6 favorites]
I bet that you leave within a year.
posted by heyjude at 2:58 AM on October 10, 2014 [6 favorites]
Best answer: I have been the manager in cases like this where I delivered very vague feedback to someone and I could see how much confusion it was causing. The reason for me was that if I explained the full circumstances of the complaint, I would be identifying the complainer. In your case, it may be someone came to your manager and said you were rude to them in a one-to-one status update meeting about Project X, and if your manager tells you all that you will know who complained. So your manager too may have been in a tight spot on this one.
The way I usually handle feedback myself when I don't like it or when I don't understand it is to ask myself, What have I done or not done that causes this person to feel this way? That reduces some of the emotional impact of being judged and found wanting. Someone's feedback is not a truth handed down from a Heavenly realm - it's just their variable human opinion at this particular time. In this case, your manager had some reason in her mind to call you in, and conversations like those are not much fun, so she felt she had to do it. What could have caused that? Maybe it's something she saw herself, but more likely someone else has complained and she doesn't want to 'out' them.
Also, there is some pretty shaky advice on this thread in my opinion. I would certainly not send the email draft above - if I got that email as a manager I would think that was a very poor reaction to what is supposed to be a developmental opportunity. Also, not all communication styles are acceptable in a working environment - everyone needs to modulate a little bit so the whole group can get along. That means speaking up for the quiet people and holding back for the loud people, to simplify it.
You should absolutely continue to contribute at meetings where it's appropriate - if you stop that now it's going to look childish and petulant. Instead, here's an exercise I have found very enlightening. At the next meeting you're at where you are not key to the whole thing, i.e. where you're sitting there listening but not necessarily required to say much, sit back and try and guess what everyone else is thinking. Are they bored? Engaged? A believer? A skeptic? Where's their eye contact? Body language? Are they energised or drained? Are they thinking about something else? Hungry? Sad? Happy? As you do this over time and get used to it, when you are speaking yourself try and get a sense if any of those people look less enthusiastic when you speak than they do when others speak.
Finally, it may be worth thinking about your leadership style and how you treat people around you. If you see yourself as the young hot-shot and everyone else as less capable, that will come across and it will cause grievances. Leadership is not showing how good you are, it's helping others be the best they can be. Good luck!
posted by StephenF at 3:07 AM on October 10, 2014 [49 favorites]
The way I usually handle feedback myself when I don't like it or when I don't understand it is to ask myself, What have I done or not done that causes this person to feel this way? That reduces some of the emotional impact of being judged and found wanting. Someone's feedback is not a truth handed down from a Heavenly realm - it's just their variable human opinion at this particular time. In this case, your manager had some reason in her mind to call you in, and conversations like those are not much fun, so she felt she had to do it. What could have caused that? Maybe it's something she saw herself, but more likely someone else has complained and she doesn't want to 'out' them.
Also, there is some pretty shaky advice on this thread in my opinion. I would certainly not send the email draft above - if I got that email as a manager I would think that was a very poor reaction to what is supposed to be a developmental opportunity. Also, not all communication styles are acceptable in a working environment - everyone needs to modulate a little bit so the whole group can get along. That means speaking up for the quiet people and holding back for the loud people, to simplify it.
You should absolutely continue to contribute at meetings where it's appropriate - if you stop that now it's going to look childish and petulant. Instead, here's an exercise I have found very enlightening. At the next meeting you're at where you are not key to the whole thing, i.e. where you're sitting there listening but not necessarily required to say much, sit back and try and guess what everyone else is thinking. Are they bored? Engaged? A believer? A skeptic? Where's their eye contact? Body language? Are they energised or drained? Are they thinking about something else? Hungry? Sad? Happy? As you do this over time and get used to it, when you are speaking yourself try and get a sense if any of those people look less enthusiastic when you speak than they do when others speak.
Finally, it may be worth thinking about your leadership style and how you treat people around you. If you see yourself as the young hot-shot and everyone else as less capable, that will come across and it will cause grievances. Leadership is not showing how good you are, it's helping others be the best they can be. Good luck!
posted by StephenF at 3:07 AM on October 10, 2014 [49 favorites]
Best answer: You sound like me. Just yesterday I thought "Nothing would get done around here if it wasn't for me." Coworkers come to me for advice or to complain. I know more about things around here than some of the bosses. I have been reprimanded for ignoring the hierarchy of duties. I do things myself rather than delegating because I believe I can do them faster and/or better. I am pretty annoying.
Here are the things I've been doing to change the behavior you've described (it's a work in process):
1. Remind myself that I am not the glue, I am not indispensable. If I left today, there would be a brief panic and then things would go on as usual. I am a cog in a machine. I need to be the best cog I can be, but I can't be ALL the cogs.
2. If I see something that needs doing or fixing, I stop to ask myself if I really need to get involved. If fire, flood, or physical injury isn't likely, then I walk away and let the assigned person handle it or report it to the person who needs to know. Sometimes that means it doesn't get done or isn't done well, but that isn't my responsibility. I remind myself "not my job" or "not my circus, not my monkeys".
3. I no longer offer unsolicited advice. My coworkers still come to me, but I don't butt in. This is very very difficult for me.
4. I trust that my coworkers are getting it done, even if I can't see it. They are mature, intelligent people, and should be allowed to do their jobs. If they don't, then that's on them (again, not my monkeys).
Now obviously, these things are specific to me and may not apply in your case, but your post sounded like I could have written it, so maybe you'll find something useful.
Lastly, it's about perception, not intention. No one cares why you act the way you do, only how you make them feel.
posted by rakaidan at 4:26 AM on October 10, 2014 [75 favorites]
Here are the things I've been doing to change the behavior you've described (it's a work in process):
1. Remind myself that I am not the glue, I am not indispensable. If I left today, there would be a brief panic and then things would go on as usual. I am a cog in a machine. I need to be the best cog I can be, but I can't be ALL the cogs.
2. If I see something that needs doing or fixing, I stop to ask myself if I really need to get involved. If fire, flood, or physical injury isn't likely, then I walk away and let the assigned person handle it or report it to the person who needs to know. Sometimes that means it doesn't get done or isn't done well, but that isn't my responsibility. I remind myself "not my job" or "not my circus, not my monkeys".
3. I no longer offer unsolicited advice. My coworkers still come to me, but I don't butt in. This is very very difficult for me.
4. I trust that my coworkers are getting it done, even if I can't see it. They are mature, intelligent people, and should be allowed to do their jobs. If they don't, then that's on them (again, not my monkeys).
Now obviously, these things are specific to me and may not apply in your case, but your post sounded like I could have written it, so maybe you'll find something useful.
Lastly, it's about perception, not intention. No one cares why you act the way you do, only how you make them feel.
posted by rakaidan at 4:26 AM on October 10, 2014 [75 favorites]
I agree 100% wit StephenF above, it seems solid advice to me.
And I want to emphasise his observation that very likely a specific example would have pointed to a specific person and she wanted to avoid that.
I always felt that I was trying to make sure everyone got their point across and sometimes that means speaking up.
This statement, and in fact your entire post, reminds me of a previous workplace where I had a colleague who would, when someone made a contribution at a meeting repeat and rephrase what the person said... now this did not go over well at all for mainly two reasons: the person making the statement felt belittled (the message you send is: you are not able to express yourself properly therefore I have to help you) AND secondly the boss feels belittled (the message received is: you do not understand your employees or the issue at hand well enough, but I do). If that is what you do, stop it.
Another thing this former colleague would do that annoyed the heck out of everyone who was there longer, was they would raise issues in meetings that those longer at the firm had found it was pointless to raise. This person would say stuff like: we feel that you (the boss) need to expain this issue/let us know the status of... And while the issues might have been very pertinent, everyone, me included, resented the fact they made themselves our self-appointed spokes person, not knowing the history of the particular issue.
You mention that you joined during the last year - I think you need to consider that some of the other staff and the boss have been working together before you joined. And it may seem to you they do need a mediator and cannot not commuicate efficiently, or were not efficient before you joined them, etc.
However, consider they have a history together and they do not need an unsolicited mediator. Possibly - being of a different personality type than you - they do not want to tell you outright to your face.
I always saw myself as the mediator, the one that everyone calls on for help, to advocate for them, have a whinge about policy or a general chat about life.
Try not to mediate unsolicitied. I cannot emphasise enough how this would grate both on your boss making her feel inadequate, and on your colleagues making them feel stupid. There is an unspoke message you send to the boss here, that you perceive staff as needy and her as incompetent to meet the need. This may be threating to her.
I recommend you take your boss at her word: "dial it down", at least for a while, and see what happens. Observe how those staff members who have been there longer interact with the boss in meetings. They have a history together and may resent your involvement in trying to improve something they may not feel needs improving, or at least not in this way.
posted by 15L06 at 4:34 AM on October 10, 2014 [13 favorites]
And I want to emphasise his observation that very likely a specific example would have pointed to a specific person and she wanted to avoid that.
I always felt that I was trying to make sure everyone got their point across and sometimes that means speaking up.
This statement, and in fact your entire post, reminds me of a previous workplace where I had a colleague who would, when someone made a contribution at a meeting repeat and rephrase what the person said... now this did not go over well at all for mainly two reasons: the person making the statement felt belittled (the message you send is: you are not able to express yourself properly therefore I have to help you) AND secondly the boss feels belittled (the message received is: you do not understand your employees or the issue at hand well enough, but I do). If that is what you do, stop it.
Another thing this former colleague would do that annoyed the heck out of everyone who was there longer, was they would raise issues in meetings that those longer at the firm had found it was pointless to raise. This person would say stuff like: we feel that you (the boss) need to expain this issue/let us know the status of... And while the issues might have been very pertinent, everyone, me included, resented the fact they made themselves our self-appointed spokes person, not knowing the history of the particular issue.
You mention that you joined during the last year - I think you need to consider that some of the other staff and the boss have been working together before you joined. And it may seem to you they do need a mediator and cannot not commuicate efficiently, or were not efficient before you joined them, etc.
However, consider they have a history together and they do not need an unsolicited mediator. Possibly - being of a different personality type than you - they do not want to tell you outright to your face.
I always saw myself as the mediator, the one that everyone calls on for help, to advocate for them, have a whinge about policy or a general chat about life.
Try not to mediate unsolicitied. I cannot emphasise enough how this would grate both on your boss making her feel inadequate, and on your colleagues making them feel stupid. There is an unspoke message you send to the boss here, that you perceive staff as needy and her as incompetent to meet the need. This may be threating to her.
I recommend you take your boss at her word: "dial it down", at least for a while, and see what happens. Observe how those staff members who have been there longer interact with the boss in meetings. They have a history together and may resent your involvement in trying to improve something they may not feel needs improving, or at least not in this way.
posted by 15L06 at 4:34 AM on October 10, 2014 [13 favorites]
This morning my boss ... told me that I needed to watch my attitude. [...] Shit gets done because of me and I'm not really willing to make my job harder on myself to prove a point.
I once led an organization that went through a merger with another organization. Seeing some people (one individual in particular, recognized as such by everyone) who were resisting to change, we hired a specialized firm dealing with change to make a presentation at a meeting of the entire organization. At the end of that presentation, the very first person to ask a question, and in doing so, made it clear to everyone that he had completely missed the purpose of that presentation, was that one individual.
You remind me of that individual.
You asked Can anyone read between the lines here and let me know what it means to be 'direct' and 'abrupt' in a work environment. No need to read between the lines, your closing sentence is a perfect example of being 'direct' and 'abrupt'.
I would add more, but it would not be answering the question you are specifically asking.
posted by aroberge at 4:46 AM on October 10, 2014 [4 favorites]
I once led an organization that went through a merger with another organization. Seeing some people (one individual in particular, recognized as such by everyone) who were resisting to change, we hired a specialized firm dealing with change to make a presentation at a meeting of the entire organization. At the end of that presentation, the very first person to ask a question, and in doing so, made it clear to everyone that he had completely missed the purpose of that presentation, was that one individual.
You remind me of that individual.
You asked Can anyone read between the lines here and let me know what it means to be 'direct' and 'abrupt' in a work environment. No need to read between the lines, your closing sentence is a perfect example of being 'direct' and 'abrupt'.
I would add more, but it would not be answering the question you are specifically asking.
posted by aroberge at 4:46 AM on October 10, 2014 [4 favorites]
I want to add that the reason which prompted me to post a reply was that what you describe as doing was me 20 years ago - I felt indespensable and could not see how my best intentions might actually be seriously off putting to those around me.
posted by 15L06 at 4:49 AM on October 10, 2014 [1 favorite]
posted by 15L06 at 4:49 AM on October 10, 2014 [1 favorite]
A++++ to rakaidan, would favorite again.
That was me. Then I got moved into a "cog" role directly below someone more senior with a similar style and got let go because I couldn't get out of the old mindset. Actually, at this very moment I'm in a temporary role where I don't have to care about anything except my own work and IT IS AMAZING. I highly recommend it. I am not even joking that my recent mantra is "not my circus, not my monkey". It's still tough to disengage, but worth it.
posted by supercres at 5:44 AM on October 10, 2014 [4 favorites]
That was me. Then I got moved into a "cog" role directly below someone more senior with a similar style and got let go because I couldn't get out of the old mindset. Actually, at this very moment I'm in a temporary role where I don't have to care about anything except my own work and IT IS AMAZING. I highly recommend it. I am not even joking that my recent mantra is "not my circus, not my monkey". It's still tough to disengage, but worth it.
posted by supercres at 5:44 AM on October 10, 2014 [4 favorites]
Please try to understand that you are not the mediator, your role is not to advocate. Even if your intentions are incredibly honorable, others will see you as a busybody, someone who bluntly buds in to areas that would have otherwise been diplomatically taken care of by the original players. What to you may feel essential to the inner workings of the team, to others may seem like unnecessary (as in, beyond the scope of your job, none of your business) interference.
Furthermore, has it occurred to you that you are being used politically, as in manipulated? Whenever someone doesn't want to spend their chips to get something, they can send you along to bulldoze it for them. People on the receiving end of your "mediation" or "advocacy" probably weren't thrilled.
posted by Neekee at 5:53 AM on October 10, 2014 [4 favorites]
Furthermore, has it occurred to you that you are being used politically, as in manipulated? Whenever someone doesn't want to spend their chips to get something, they can send you along to bulldoze it for them. People on the receiving end of your "mediation" or "advocacy" probably weren't thrilled.
posted by Neekee at 5:53 AM on October 10, 2014 [4 favorites]
If an employee sent me the email above, I'd forward it straight to HR along with a formal writeup of what had almost certainly been meant to be an off-the-record conversation the day before. Your supervisor might be a dunce, I don't know, but any competent supervisor knows how to backfill documentation of disciplinary conversations and spin that kind of response to their favor.
I've had to give this kind of feedback to employees before, and it's hard when people fixate on wanting specific examples when it's really a general problem. It probably came up because someone was in your boss's office a few days ago and said something like "You know that thing she does all the time? She's doing it again, ugh." It's not a simple thing like noting that on Wednesday you were absent without leave; it's a general pattern of apparently being overly direct and abrupt that probably shows up in lots of small interactions.
I always saw myself as the mediator, the one that everyone calls on for help, to advocate for them ... There has been some tension in the office lately but I felt as though I was the one diffusing that tension.
Those are really supervisory roles -- are you sure your boss is happy with you taking those on informally? Are you, particularly in open meetings, speaking for other people rather than giving them the space and time to do so for themselves (or they can fail to do so -- not everyone is going to be an effective self-advocate, and sometimes it's best to just let them struggle and figure it out or fail and trigger the supervisor's involvement)?
You might just need to dial it down a bit.
There are a lot of people for whom this is good advice. Do your job, do it well and competently, but don't take on these extra roles that haven't been explicitly assigned to you. Especially, don't seek out the drama -- there's a guy in my office (not someone I supervise, so I can't do much about it) who is always being a drama llama and wants to talk to everyone about things that are problems or finding ways to turn minor tension into real tension, and it's super disruptive. Don't be that person. Smile and nod if someone wants to vent, but don't seek that out and definitely don't take on informal "mediator" roles that really belong to the supervisor.
posted by Dip Flash at 6:18 AM on October 10, 2014 [9 favorites]
I've had to give this kind of feedback to employees before, and it's hard when people fixate on wanting specific examples when it's really a general problem. It probably came up because someone was in your boss's office a few days ago and said something like "You know that thing she does all the time? She's doing it again, ugh." It's not a simple thing like noting that on Wednesday you were absent without leave; it's a general pattern of apparently being overly direct and abrupt that probably shows up in lots of small interactions.
I always saw myself as the mediator, the one that everyone calls on for help, to advocate for them ... There has been some tension in the office lately but I felt as though I was the one diffusing that tension.
Those are really supervisory roles -- are you sure your boss is happy with you taking those on informally? Are you, particularly in open meetings, speaking for other people rather than giving them the space and time to do so for themselves (or they can fail to do so -- not everyone is going to be an effective self-advocate, and sometimes it's best to just let them struggle and figure it out or fail and trigger the supervisor's involvement)?
You might just need to dial it down a bit.
There are a lot of people for whom this is good advice. Do your job, do it well and competently, but don't take on these extra roles that haven't been explicitly assigned to you. Especially, don't seek out the drama -- there's a guy in my office (not someone I supervise, so I can't do much about it) who is always being a drama llama and wants to talk to everyone about things that are problems or finding ways to turn minor tension into real tension, and it's super disruptive. Don't be that person. Smile and nod if someone wants to vent, but don't seek that out and definitely don't take on informal "mediator" roles that really belong to the supervisor.
posted by Dip Flash at 6:18 AM on October 10, 2014 [9 favorites]
Response by poster: Thank you for all your answers everyone. It's all suddenly becoming clearer to me what is going on.
It's very difficult to describe an office dynamic in only a few short paragraphs so some of the responses here are not actually helpful in my particular situation, but many are.
The comment about me being the glue that holds the office together did not come from me, it was my boss who said it and I realise that she may be projecting that on to me (as the only full time employee) when as many of you point out, as the youngest and newest team member it's not an ideal role. I'm the one who gets the 'I'm not in tomorrow can you do... Or tell someone ... ." As for the mediator role, my boss actually asks this of me and expresses that I do it well, again maybe that's unfair if others are affronted by it.
In terms of 'getting shit done' my role has many deadlines and so often I do have to insist that decisions are made to make sure deadlines are met. But perhaps I address this with my boss and let her be the one to approach the others.
Above all, after a year of working there I can honestly say this news came totally out of left field which is why it caught me off guard.
I'll take the good advice here and just keep to myself while looking for something I will enjoy more.
posted by Youremyworld at 6:36 AM on October 10, 2014 [1 favorite]
It's very difficult to describe an office dynamic in only a few short paragraphs so some of the responses here are not actually helpful in my particular situation, but many are.
The comment about me being the glue that holds the office together did not come from me, it was my boss who said it and I realise that she may be projecting that on to me (as the only full time employee) when as many of you point out, as the youngest and newest team member it's not an ideal role. I'm the one who gets the 'I'm not in tomorrow can you do... Or tell someone ... ." As for the mediator role, my boss actually asks this of me and expresses that I do it well, again maybe that's unfair if others are affronted by it.
In terms of 'getting shit done' my role has many deadlines and so often I do have to insist that decisions are made to make sure deadlines are met. But perhaps I address this with my boss and let her be the one to approach the others.
Above all, after a year of working there I can honestly say this news came totally out of left field which is why it caught me off guard.
I'll take the good advice here and just keep to myself while looking for something I will enjoy more.
posted by Youremyworld at 6:36 AM on October 10, 2014 [1 favorite]
My interpretation of this is that you may be outshining your boss and that is why she expressed her complaint in a very nonspecific way. Maybe she didn't say what it was because strategically she couldn't say what it was. Especially if you've been outshining her per her direction and with her approval up to now.
I am not saying either of you is right or wrong in this. I don't think you are wrong to want examples, even though people do often use these as ways of refuting what is asserted (so it's equally unsurprising she didn't want to provide them). I think you're right that you have been given a complaint about your work couched in terms that leaves you uncertain as to what to do about it. Your boss could have a reasonable complaint and still be expressing it in a shitty unfair way.
By sending an email as suggested above, you would be escalating this issue to an official level, so I would only do this if you are fairly certain your head is about to roll.
I agree with some earlier comments that the use of the word "overqualified" and the phrase "dial it back" suggests you are overstepping the bounds of your own job. It sounds like you've been kind of acting like you are in charge, and higher-ups are starting to think that you are in charge and they can therefore keep you and dispense with your boss?
When you say "boss and upper management are planning to make me permanent when my contract ends" this suggests that maybe boss was going along, happily sorting this out with upper management, and then she suddenly looked up and saw that upper management had napkins tucked into their collars and were brandishing knives and forks and staring at her while salivating.
This happens. She might have been happy with your work so far, and in favour of your doing it, only to realize that she was inadvertently digging her own grave.
At least that is the interpretation that comes most readily to me.
Part of your job is always to make your boss look good. Try to have that intention a bit more, and probably look for something new. It's not your dream job and something weird is going on that you don't fully understand.
posted by tel3path at 7:41 AM on October 10, 2014 [5 favorites]
I am not saying either of you is right or wrong in this. I don't think you are wrong to want examples, even though people do often use these as ways of refuting what is asserted (so it's equally unsurprising she didn't want to provide them). I think you're right that you have been given a complaint about your work couched in terms that leaves you uncertain as to what to do about it. Your boss could have a reasonable complaint and still be expressing it in a shitty unfair way.
By sending an email as suggested above, you would be escalating this issue to an official level, so I would only do this if you are fairly certain your head is about to roll.
I agree with some earlier comments that the use of the word "overqualified" and the phrase "dial it back" suggests you are overstepping the bounds of your own job. It sounds like you've been kind of acting like you are in charge, and higher-ups are starting to think that you are in charge and they can therefore keep you and dispense with your boss?
When you say "boss and upper management are planning to make me permanent when my contract ends" this suggests that maybe boss was going along, happily sorting this out with upper management, and then she suddenly looked up and saw that upper management had napkins tucked into their collars and were brandishing knives and forks and staring at her while salivating.
This happens. She might have been happy with your work so far, and in favour of your doing it, only to realize that she was inadvertently digging her own grave.
At least that is the interpretation that comes most readily to me.
Part of your job is always to make your boss look good. Try to have that intention a bit more, and probably look for something new. It's not your dream job and something weird is going on that you don't fully understand.
posted by tel3path at 7:41 AM on October 10, 2014 [5 favorites]
I can't find the thread, but if you or someone else can find it, take a look at the Ask versus Guess Culture thread. You sound like an Ask person - very direct and straightforward. I'm willing to bet that there are some Guess people in your office and that you might come off as a little too aggressive. If that's what it is, it's a communication style issue.
posted by gt2 at 8:29 AM on October 10, 2014
posted by gt2 at 8:29 AM on October 10, 2014
If I were you, I would basically do nothing, except maybe make an effort to be a little more diplomatic and polite. These things usually blow over. If you make a bigger issue of it than it is already, it'll only make it worse in the long run. (But, then again, I'm not really known for being assertive, so take my advice with a big grain of salt.)
posted by alex1965 at 9:43 AM on October 10, 2014
posted by alex1965 at 9:43 AM on October 10, 2014
Best answer: As a very helpful and opinionated person I got into these kinds of messes all the time. Here is what I do now before speaking in ANY situation:
1. Does something need to be said?
2. Does something need to be said by me?
3. Does something need to be said by me right now?
In 96% of cases the answer to all three is no.
Let me tell you how much easier things got when I let it all go.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 10:12 AM on October 10, 2014 [20 favorites]
1. Does something need to be said?
2. Does something need to be said by me?
3. Does something need to be said by me right now?
In 96% of cases the answer to all three is no.
Let me tell you how much easier things got when I let it all go.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 10:12 AM on October 10, 2014 [20 favorites]
It's very difficult to describe an office dynamic in only a few short paragraphs so some of the responses here are not actually helpful in my particular situation, but many are.
Above is a good example of what people can perceive as abrupt.
Intelligent folks fall into this trap all the time: presenting their statements in the most concise and logical syntax for maximum efficiency with no regard for the emotional response of the person receiving the message.
In the quote above you have openly acknowledged the failings of those responding to your query while excusing yourself for the clarity of your position by blaming the format of the query-system. Now, I don't think you're rude or anything like that, I just want you to see how easy it is to misinterpret your words. I'll bet that this sort of thing plays out from time to time in your office environment and could be the cause of your current predicament.
I second the notion that you should pull back a little in meetings to let others do most of the talking for a while, but continue to do your work consistently. This will blow over.
posted by GrapeApiary at 12:06 PM on October 10, 2014 [8 favorites]
Above is a good example of what people can perceive as abrupt.
Intelligent folks fall into this trap all the time: presenting their statements in the most concise and logical syntax for maximum efficiency with no regard for the emotional response of the person receiving the message.
In the quote above you have openly acknowledged the failings of those responding to your query while excusing yourself for the clarity of your position by blaming the format of the query-system. Now, I don't think you're rude or anything like that, I just want you to see how easy it is to misinterpret your words. I'll bet that this sort of thing plays out from time to time in your office environment and could be the cause of your current predicament.
I second the notion that you should pull back a little in meetings to let others do most of the talking for a while, but continue to do your work consistently. This will blow over.
posted by GrapeApiary at 12:06 PM on October 10, 2014 [8 favorites]
I am a manager. I am not your manager.
StephenF is right on target. The hardest type of feedback to give is to an employee who is good or acceptable but has room for improvement, especially in areas like attitude or communication style. It's more challenging and more subject to criticism like yours, which is why most managers chicken out and don't do it, which is why there are a lot of "my workplace is toxic" threads here on the green.
It may well be that there is no specific person or complaint your manager can reference either because, as StephenF said, to do so would be to expose that person, or because your manager herself has seen the actions/is the fellow employee you've been a bit abrupt/direct with, and it may be that any one anecdote is reasonable or explainable and would seem nit-picky, but there is a pattern of behavior she's trying to improve.
As an example, if an employee came in one day and is just quiet and subdued and doesn't respond to people saying "hello," I would absolutely say nothing. Maybe his cat died. Maybe she just got a speeding ticket. No need to pry, and I would be a jackass to say anything.
However, if this goes on for a week, I need to know why this is happening.
When your boss gives you feedback, you can assume they're all wrong, you can think they're being overly particular about an isolated incident (the "cover page on the TPS report" scenario), or you can assume that they're right and you need to change something. Usually the last scenario is the most productive for your career.
posted by randomkeystrike at 12:21 PM on October 10, 2014 [5 favorites]
StephenF is right on target. The hardest type of feedback to give is to an employee who is good or acceptable but has room for improvement, especially in areas like attitude or communication style. It's more challenging and more subject to criticism like yours, which is why most managers chicken out and don't do it, which is why there are a lot of "my workplace is toxic" threads here on the green.
It may well be that there is no specific person or complaint your manager can reference either because, as StephenF said, to do so would be to expose that person, or because your manager herself has seen the actions/is the fellow employee you've been a bit abrupt/direct with, and it may be that any one anecdote is reasonable or explainable and would seem nit-picky, but there is a pattern of behavior she's trying to improve.
As an example, if an employee came in one day and is just quiet and subdued and doesn't respond to people saying "hello," I would absolutely say nothing. Maybe his cat died. Maybe she just got a speeding ticket. No need to pry, and I would be a jackass to say anything.
However, if this goes on for a week, I need to know why this is happening.
When your boss gives you feedback, you can assume they're all wrong, you can think they're being overly particular about an isolated incident (the "cover page on the TPS report" scenario), or you can assume that they're right and you need to change something. Usually the last scenario is the most productive for your career.
posted by randomkeystrike at 12:21 PM on October 10, 2014 [5 favorites]
What this means is that you can be a little direct, you know abrupt. You might just need to dial it down a bit.
You have a boss. She told you to do something. Do it or quit.
posted by LarryC at 5:15 PM on October 10, 2014
You have a boss. She told you to do something. Do it or quit.
posted by LarryC at 5:15 PM on October 10, 2014
This is bullshit. Your manager calls you in, gives you some vague words about how you can be "direct" and that you need to "tone it down", and then you (understandably) ask for examples / instances of your "direct" behavior. And she can't give you any?
Again, this is bullshit. The boss is not providing feedback here. Maybe the manager is 'protecting' a person who complained - it really doesn't matter: if the manager is going to tell you that you need to change your behavior, then the manager needs to be able to tell you what needs to be changed. "abrupt" is not a term of precision. This is like being told "you're a little bit too Eskimo; you need to tone it down". Say what?
I think if it was me, I'd first have another meeting with the manager, tell them "look, I've thought hard about what we discussed. I want to work with you, but I simply don't have enough to go on. Can you give me specific examples of the behavior I need to change?"
If that fails, you could ask "Okay, then can you tell me the criteria that will be used to appraise me on this matter? And what kind of 'penalties' am I looking at if I don't improve? Is this a Big Deal, or just a minor blip?"
And if that doesn't work, maybe just look at her and ask "Boss - what's going on?"
posted by doctor tough love at 7:39 PM on October 10, 2014 [2 favorites]
Again, this is bullshit. The boss is not providing feedback here. Maybe the manager is 'protecting' a person who complained - it really doesn't matter: if the manager is going to tell you that you need to change your behavior, then the manager needs to be able to tell you what needs to be changed. "abrupt" is not a term of precision. This is like being told "you're a little bit too Eskimo; you need to tone it down". Say what?
I think if it was me, I'd first have another meeting with the manager, tell them "look, I've thought hard about what we discussed. I want to work with you, but I simply don't have enough to go on. Can you give me specific examples of the behavior I need to change?"
If that fails, you could ask "Okay, then can you tell me the criteria that will be used to appraise me on this matter? And what kind of 'penalties' am I looking at if I don't improve? Is this a Big Deal, or just a minor blip?"
And if that doesn't work, maybe just look at her and ask "Boss - what's going on?"
posted by doctor tough love at 7:39 PM on October 10, 2014 [2 favorites]
StephenF: "I have been the manager in cases like this where I delivered very vague feedback to someone and I could see how much confusion it was causing. The reason for me was that if I explained the full circumstances of the complaint, I would be identifying the complainer.
No, you would not, because you, the manager, would be the complainer. If there was some behavior that you want to correct, you don't need someone to complain to you about it. You state that when the direct acted out behavior X, there were consequences Y and Z, and that these negative consequences are not something the company wants more of.
Example:
If this is literally a personal dispute of no material consequence to the company, using manager role power to resolve it is illadvised. Coach the complainant on resolving this conflict themselves.
Example:
The way I usually handle feedback myself when I don't like it or when I don't understand it is to ask myself, What have I done or not done that causes this person to feel this way? That reduces some of the emotional impact of being judged and found wanting. Someone's feedback is not a truth handed down from a Heavenly realm - it's just their variable human opinion at this particular time. In this case, your manager had some reason in her mind to call you in, and conversations like those are not much fun, so she felt she had to do it. What could have caused that? Maybe it's something she saw herself, but more likely someone else has complained and she doesn't want to 'out' them.
This is the game you're left playing when given unspecific feedback, and the recipient can spend days beanplating it. Especially when feedback is rare as it is severe. Notice the comments upthread essentially advising a woman to contribute less to meetings, give less advice to coworkers, to stop taking on or seeking extra duties, and to just generally be less visible in your success. What are the odds that this is the change the manager actually wants?
OP, you're left in a difficult pickle. StephenF is almost certainly right that someone has complained to your boss about an interaction with you, and they've chosen to intervene. And he's right that you will have to beanplate this as a result. But figuring out what recent interactions might have motivated the feedback is just step one. You need to come up with a list of possible changes in behavior.
Taking a vow of silence is obviously the wrong move here, so we can strike that one off the list right now. In my case I know I tend to be a fundamentally pessimistic person, so I might set some personal goals to verbally agree with or encourage other three people in every meeting. Something that I can't accidentally achieve, that I have to actively be looking for opportunities in the conversational context to achieve. Outside of meetings, I sometimes vent about some of our more challenging clients or their requests, and if given this sort of feedback, I might seek to limit that. These are just examples I can come up with of my own day-to-day activities, you'll have to come up with your own.
I can't give you any more specific advice, given your manager hasn't done so. Just remember when you have directs of your own, how this moment felt, and how you wished your manager had behaved given the situation.
posted by pwnguin at 11:17 PM on October 11, 2014 [2 favorites]
No, you would not, because you, the manager, would be the complainer. If there was some behavior that you want to correct, you don't need someone to complain to you about it. You state that when the direct acted out behavior X, there were consequences Y and Z, and that these negative consequences are not something the company wants more of.
Example:
"When you arrive 10 minutes late to the weekly meeting, it wastes 6 people's time, a full person-hour, and we risk not covering a portion of the agenda. I expect meetings to begin and end as scheduled. Can you please start making it on time to our meetings?"If you cannot describe the behavior objectively, or how they should behave differently next time, you would be a fool to expect them to guess the manner or magnitude of the change you need.
If this is literally a personal dispute of no material consequence to the company, using manager role power to resolve it is illadvised. Coach the complainant on resolving this conflict themselves.
Example:
"I'm sorry that happened; what did they say when you talked to them about it?"Doing otherwise deprives your direct of opportunities to build relationships, and trains them that they can bring you more interpersonal problems to solve. It also denies a legitimately unaware person the opportunity to apologize and make amends for the offense. And finally, it undermines your credibility with the complainant when you inevitably fail to get the behavior change you've been asked to create under a veil of anonymity.
The way I usually handle feedback myself when I don't like it or when I don't understand it is to ask myself, What have I done or not done that causes this person to feel this way? That reduces some of the emotional impact of being judged and found wanting. Someone's feedback is not a truth handed down from a Heavenly realm - it's just their variable human opinion at this particular time. In this case, your manager had some reason in her mind to call you in, and conversations like those are not much fun, so she felt she had to do it. What could have caused that? Maybe it's something she saw herself, but more likely someone else has complained and she doesn't want to 'out' them.
This is the game you're left playing when given unspecific feedback, and the recipient can spend days beanplating it. Especially when feedback is rare as it is severe. Notice the comments upthread essentially advising a woman to contribute less to meetings, give less advice to coworkers, to stop taking on or seeking extra duties, and to just generally be less visible in your success. What are the odds that this is the change the manager actually wants?
OP, you're left in a difficult pickle. StephenF is almost certainly right that someone has complained to your boss about an interaction with you, and they've chosen to intervene. And he's right that you will have to beanplate this as a result. But figuring out what recent interactions might have motivated the feedback is just step one. You need to come up with a list of possible changes in behavior.
Taking a vow of silence is obviously the wrong move here, so we can strike that one off the list right now. In my case I know I tend to be a fundamentally pessimistic person, so I might set some personal goals to verbally agree with or encourage other three people in every meeting. Something that I can't accidentally achieve, that I have to actively be looking for opportunities in the conversational context to achieve. Outside of meetings, I sometimes vent about some of our more challenging clients or their requests, and if given this sort of feedback, I might seek to limit that. These are just examples I can come up with of my own day-to-day activities, you'll have to come up with your own.
I can't give you any more specific advice, given your manager hasn't done so. Just remember when you have directs of your own, how this moment felt, and how you wished your manager had behaved given the situation.
posted by pwnguin at 11:17 PM on October 11, 2014 [2 favorites]
I agree with the comments above that your manager botched this. If she had a complaint from someone that was serious enough to represent a pattern, but did not want to "out" the complainer, she should have observed you to gather her own examples. (That would also have told her if this was a general problem or a one-off incident with a single co-worker, in which case she should have coached the other person on dealing with it themselves.) Vague, paranoia- inducing mutterings about "rumblings" are not only unfair but counter-productive if they lead you to reduce your positive contributions.
BUT, that said, nobody is created perfect just because they become a manager and even poorly- delivered feedback can be valuable. There are some excellent suggestions above about the ways you could be wrong-footing it. I would also suggest checking out Olivia Fox Cabanne's "The Charisma Myth." It really helped open my eyes to why I have not always been perceived as the positive force I have always seen myself to be at the office. It also gives some concrete tips on changing things, and none of them involve withdrawing from your workplace.
posted by rpfields at 1:42 AM on October 12, 2014 [4 favorites]
BUT, that said, nobody is created perfect just because they become a manager and even poorly- delivered feedback can be valuable. There are some excellent suggestions above about the ways you could be wrong-footing it. I would also suggest checking out Olivia Fox Cabanne's "The Charisma Myth." It really helped open my eyes to why I have not always been perceived as the positive force I have always seen myself to be at the office. It also gives some concrete tips on changing things, and none of them involve withdrawing from your workplace.
posted by rpfields at 1:42 AM on October 12, 2014 [4 favorites]
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What you do is send her an email.
"Per our conversation at x:00 on 10/9/2014, you instructed me to be less direct and abrupt, but could not identify a situation in which I had created a specific problem. I certainly don't wish to cause tension or trouble in the office, and I trust that if you can identify or document any trouble I have caused, you will meet with me again to clarify.
If this was meant to be a verbal or written repremand, please confirm so we both have it documented for future reference.
Regards,
Youremyworld"
You can either CC or BCC your personal email address, depending on how firmly you want to drive home the fact that you are documenting this event in the case that you are terminated for some vague cause that you'll be told you "knew about" after the fact.
Women are frequently targeted for criticism for "personality flaws" that would never be held against men, things like being "unpleasant" or "blunt". This is bullshit, and you're being set up to get fired, so you might as well go out clutching your rights in both hands.
posted by Lyn Never at 10:10 PM on October 9, 2014 [76 favorites]