Accidental hermit - when should I reply to messages?
October 9, 2014 9:03 PM   Subscribe

I've been chronically ill for a few years where health dictated when I could answer people, and now that I'm mostly back at work, I am baffled by what feels like a shift in asynchronous communication etiquette. It used to be phone/text/email/letter in urgency, but people now expect a same-hour reply for everything, and I wind up with fifty conversations simultaneously. People will have different expectations but I'm looking at what's broadly accepted for 30 year olds online/offline in a modern city.

- Whatsapp/Text messages - when do they end? How long a pause in a conversation, as opposed to a query like "What time will you get here", is acceptable?
- Personal chatty emails to friends and Facebook messages that fall into a weird hybrid of email and chat messaging, same day or same week, or (Please God, no) same hour?
- Work questions that aren't time urgent by someone not in your organisation - same day, next day? Next week? Next year?
- Online chat windows in Gmail when you're set to offline/working and someone leaves a comment - treat like a text message?
-The facebook invites and "XYZ read this and thought you might like it" emails - am I expected to RSVP no, and reply to the forwards (not chain mails, but relevant stuff I am quite interested in that someone has read and gone, oh she might like this too)
- Phone calls, emails and texting on weekends. I try not to do this myself but I get lots of them. Respond, or delay till the work week?

Also, if you have a chronic illness that flares up, how do you handle notifying people outside your colleagues/family (friends and clients and such) that you're away for a chunk of time unexpectedly? Do you say "Off sick for a few days" on facebook, change your voicemail, set your email to auto-reply, or what?

I am a bit worried that I have turned by accident into a socially-offensive hermit. The advice online seems to be Reply NOW NOW and is frankly terrifying.
posted by viggorlijah to Human Relations (11 answers total) 8 users marked this as a favorite
 
I don't think you need to freak out. People tend to get to things when they get to things, if at all. Most people I know post something on Facebook every few weeks at the most. Work emails, I get a response the next day at the most. I think there's a lot of unnecessary panic about responsiveness from people who are scared of new technology. Most people can barely use their phones.
posted by bleep at 9:30 PM on October 9, 2014 [1 favorite]


Can't help you on the chronic illness front, but as a techie 30-something in a big city....

For non-work-related stuff:
TEXTING: If it has a question in it -- "What are you up to tonight?" "Do I need to pick something up from the store?" "What time will you get here?" "Hey, what's that recipe you made last week?" -- then I try to reply as soon as possible. If I'm driving, or in a meeting, or otherwise busy, "as soon as possible" may mean "in a couple of hours" rather than "immediately", but I don't like to leave people hanging if they actually have a question for me.
If it doesn't have a question -- "thanks for dinner!" "Hey, I'm back in town" "So-and-so says they can't make it" -- then I may reply if I'm not busy, just to acknowledge it, but otherwise it's mostly ignorable until such time as I feel like dealing with it. (If I feel like dealing with it)
A conversation ends when it ends. I don't feel a need to keep it going if I don't have anything to say, and I don't usually feel that guilty about not responding to someone else's "lol" or whatever. But I am occasionally a texting curmudgeon.

EMAIL: if it affects anything in a particular timeline -- like someone is trying to organize dinner in the next couple of days -- I respond as soon as I can. If it's just catching up with friends, I do it when it's convenient, within a few days or a week.

Gchat: don't see any need to respond to this while you're working or away if it's not relevant or time-sensitive. Treating like a text message is probably fair enough.

Facebook invites: it is really really helpful to have an RSVP, as an event organizer. It'd be nice if you could say "no" and timing on that depends on the proximity of the event's date. It's Wednesday and the event is this weekend? ASAP. It's July and the event is in October? Eh, whenevs. Absolutely no reason to respond to any forwards or "thought you might like this article" emails, IMO, unless you feel like you want to thank the sender for bringing it to your attention because it's something particularly relevant/interesting.

For work-related stuff, whether it's internal or external:
Unless the email, IM, text, or voice mail has an explicit timeline in it -- "I need to know before my meeting at 2 what you've decided" -- I aim for 24 hour turnaround, even if that "turnaround" is just "Great, got your email, let me talk to a few people to find out what you need and I'll hopefully be able to give you this by Friday." Then I make sure I actually follow up by my self-imposed deadline. I think a good guideline here is what you would expect when you contact someone else at another company or customer service line. You usually expect something within 24 hours, right, or an explicit "In the next 5-10 business days" type of notification? Do the same thing.

I know a lot of people -- mostly Gen X-ers, for whatever reason -- who set aside "email time" to deal with all their communications in one big chunk. That has never worked for me. I'm very much a deal-with-it-as-it-comes-along person. I don't know whether that makes me more or less efficient overall, but I can say it's far less overwhelming to me that way. I *hate* coming back from a business trip, or vacation, or illness, or whatever, and having tons of email that I need to sort through and respond to all at once. YMMV of course, but I find the "oh god so many people asking me to do stuff" overload to be hard to deal with compared to an email here and a text message there.
posted by olinerd at 9:33 PM on October 9, 2014 [3 favorites]


I'm 30, in a big city, I don't use FB very much but I do text and email a lot. My responses:

- Whatsapp/Text messages - when do they end? How long a pause in a conversation, as opposed to a query like "What time will you get here", is acceptable?
I don't use Whatsapp. I reply to texts when I see them and have the ability to (not driving, at the store, etc). In practice that means that about half the time I reply immediately, and about half the time I reply after a couple hours. It's fine to just wait a couple hours to respond to a chatty text. Also fine to not respond at all!

- Personal chatty emails to friends and Facebook messages that fall into a weird hybrid of email and chat messaging, same day or same week, or (Please God, no) same hour?
I don't use FB messages. If a friend emails me, I'll usually write back when I have the time - on average, within 2-3 days. It varies though.

- Work questions that aren't time urgent by someone not in your organisation - same day, next day? Next week? Next year?
I try to respond to non-urgent messages within one business day. It really, really varies by industry though.

- Online chat windows in Gmail when you're set to offline/working and someone leaves a comment - treat like a text message?
I don't use gmail chat, but I'd treat it like a text or an email - reply when I get around to it.

-The facebook invites and "XYZ read this and thought you might like it" emails - am I expected to RSVP no, and reply to the forwards (not chain mails, but relevant stuff I am quite interested in that someone has read and gone, oh she might like this too)
I never (or almost never) get FB invites from actual friends. I get lots of FB invites from people I knew years ago. I don't reply, and I frequently block the person's ability to send me future invites. I consider it spam. I don't think I've ever received a FB "you might like it," but my friends/family sometimes email me articles they think I might like. I reply once I've had the time to read it (usually within a week), or sometimes not at all.

- Phone calls, emails and texting on weekends. I try not to do this myself but I get lots of them. Respond, or delay till the work week?
I am guessing you mean work-related calls/emails/texts? I never respond to non-urgent work communication over the weekend. I do occasionally respond to urgent (or semi-urgent) messages from clients. Again, this is going to vary by industry.
posted by insectosaurus at 9:35 PM on October 9, 2014 [1 favorite]


1. Texts. They end when the conversation peters out. You can walk away from a text at any time without feeling guilt. Pauses are fine, too. I tend to wait a few minutes before texting back because that is the type of text conversation I like to have. I don't like to sit and text and do nothing else, I'm often eating or cooking or watching tv or doing something in the house, so I won't reply ASAP to texts. If I'm in a text conversation that is really more like a chatty back-and-forth volley I'll probably say "Hey, gotta get back to work/cleaning/getting ready to go out" when I'm done with the back and forth, but that isn't really necessary.

2. Personal chatty emails. Again, whenever I have something else going on is when I might walk away from this stuff. I don't usually respond to this stuff in the same day. It's fine.

3. Work questions. Same day. Why not? It's the best way to handle anything at work: be professional, punctual, and respectful. Even if it's not an urgent question, I will reply by the end of the day that day.

4. Online gmail chat if you're offline or working? Whenever you darn well please, including never. This goes for any messages - if they happen during work hours, no matter the medium, you are always free to just not deal with them until after work or even for a few days.

5. Facebook invites. I rarely respond "no" and no one seems to care. I never get invites from anyone who isn't obviously mass-inviting their entire friends list, though. The "read this and thought you might like it" on Facebook stuff, I might drop a line and say "thanks!" if I actually enjoyed it and want to encourage the behavior of sending me links.

6. Communication on weekends. Well, this is context-dependent. If it's work stuff, I wait until Monday. If it's social stuff, well, I like to do social things on the weekend so I will probably answer. I am in a field where everyone works every day so I know it's a bit strange not to get back right away but I am not interested in working this job in that way.

Communication patterns are really all about boundaries in my opinion. I find the always-on, reply-immediately culture to be very pushy and disrespectful. If I don't reply right away, it's never personal. I'm sure that you're the same. If people give you a hard time about how long you take to get back to them, consider that they're not being very understanding individuals. Contrary to popular belief, people have lives that do not revolve around their cellphone. This bothers people who have trouble with boundaries and doesn't bother those who don't. In any case, you're not alone. This is a common problem that people struggle with now that the cellphone is practically ubiquitous.

Also, I have a chronic illness and people just get to deal with the fact that I sometimes seem flaky. It's not really their business. This is not about communicating as much as it is about canceling things at the last minute for me. I know and understand that it is rude but my body does not work like everyone else's and sometimes I think I'll be strong enough to do something and I'm just not physically capable of it. That's OK. The people that I am close to actually understand and don't hold it against me.
posted by sockermom at 9:50 PM on October 9, 2014 [4 favorites]


The sooner you respond to people, the sooner they will expect you to respond in the future. I sometimes will force myself to wait on a (non-urgent) work email reply just so as to not set up the expectation that I will always answer within minutes. Granted, I will still reply within a couple hours, and almost always before I leave for the day. (Exception being non-urgent emails after 4pm. When it's in my best interest, I'll save those for the next day.)

As for the personal stuff, this is your life, not your friends' and co-workers'. Especially your friends - live your online social life how you want, not how you think they want. Some people are on fb all the time; some are not. Do what works for you.

If you know you'll be out of work / unavailable, yes, please use out of office on your work email/voicemail. This should give the sender some information on when you might respond to them, and maybe someone who they can work with in your absence if needed. I don't think this is needed on personal social media, unless your friends might be overly concerned if they don't hear from you for a week.

Really though, just treat people as you want to be treated, and you should be ok. I personally like to know that no one's life is literally depending on whether I answer that email/text/chat.
posted by hydra77 at 9:51 PM on October 9, 2014


1. Text has become the default mode of conversation over phone. Which, yes, means that conversations can stretch on indefinitely. That said, in my opinion people don't get insulted if you pause the conversation indefinitely because you're too busy to continue gabbing about what you thought of last night's episode of Person Of Interest. People generally understand that you're at work or just generally doing other stuff while these interminable conversations proceed. Conversely, this can lead to a porous boundary between home and work life, if your workplace is particularly text oriented.

2. Personal chatty emails and facebook is probably the largest expected gap in response time. On Monday one of my friends posted something interesting to facebook and I commented on it. Just now I noticed that the conversation had proceeded and got caught back up on it. I've seen social networking conversations go on for weeks in fits and starts as people happen to see it.

3. I usually respond to all work texts or phone calls on an ASAP basis, unless it's the weekend, in which case I triage depending on the situation. I am definitely much less likely to follow up with a "copy that!" or "thanks in advance!" or the like if it's a weekend. I usually check work email daily over the weekend. Work emails during the week are on an "as soon as I see it" basis, which usually means within the hour.

4. I feel free to ignore gchat queries unless it's something like "OMG CAN YOU TALK I HAVE NEWS" from a particularly close friend. I will sometimes reply with "sorry busy worky worky" if I feel the situation merits it. I have a few dim acquaintances who make a habit of chiming in on gchat randomly during the work day, and it stresses me out a little.

5. Unsubscribe from all those notification emails. Those are absolute noise as far as I"m concerned. Frankly, unless a Facebook or Twitter notification demands immediate response, I'll leave that stuff indefinitely and possibly never respond at all.

6. Out of office etiquette depends on your company. I'd definitely defer to how others handle it. I mainly see "I'm out of the office until X date" messages, not people saying they're sick.
posted by Sara C. at 9:54 PM on October 9, 2014 [2 favorites]


Oh, one thing that dawned on me semi-recently. Facebook messages, at this point, I mostly treat like chat, especially if we're both online and not busy.
posted by Sara C. at 9:58 PM on October 9, 2014


I have several chronic illnesses and honestly can't be bothered sometimes with all this rigmarole that's today's communications. So here's what I do...

Whatsapp/Text messages - when do they end? They end whenever you say they end. If whoever you're talking to gets angry with you then they need to understand that you aren't always going to be well enough to cope with long, drawn out conversations via text. It's freaking exhausting.

- Personal chatty emails to friends and Facebook messages that fall into a weird hybrid of email and chat messaging, same day or same week, or (Please God, no) same hour? Get to them when you get to them unless they're time sensitive. If the person who sends them to you wants an answer right now, they'll call or text. It's not really anything to get all worked up about.

- Work questions that aren't time urgent by someone not in your organisation - same day, next day? Next week? Next year? I try to answer all work questions by the end of the day or early next business day. That's they way I've always operated.


- Online chat windows in Gmail when you're set to offline/working and someone leaves a comment - treat like a text message? Depends on who sends it, where you are and whether it's time sensitive.

-The facebook invites and "XYZ read this and thought you might like it" emails - am I expected to RSVP no, and reply to the forwards (not chain mails, but relevant stuff I am quite interested in that someone has read and gone, oh she might like this too) Ignore, ignore, ignore. Unless, of course, you want to be innundated with them. The sender won't even know you've ignored them. As a matter of fact, you can block whatever it is they're sending from your wall if you never want to see it again.

- Phone calls, emails and texting on weekends. I try not to do this myself but I get lots of them. Respond, or delay till the work week? If they're work related and not time sensitive, put off until the work week.

Chronically ill people need to take care of their health above all else. Don't stress yourself out about it. Like hydra77 said, treat others the way you want to be treated, and you'll do fine.
posted by patheral at 10:03 PM on October 9, 2014 [1 favorite]


Reply to invitations immediately, or, if you need to coordinate with someone else, within 24 hours. If it's not possible to reply promptly, ask "what is the latest I can let you know?"

Try to reply to work queries within 1 working day; if you need more info to reply, say "I will have an answer for you by [date]."

Information-furthering messages from friends/family - within 24 hours.

Messages from friends/family that are mere chatter - within 5 days.

Social media blather? No response necessary.

Work-related messages during off-hours? Queue until next working day unless genuinely so time-sensitive that they have to have an answer sooner.

Instant messaging while marked busy/invisible? Ignore until back online, or forever.
posted by tel3path at 7:20 AM on October 10, 2014


Personally, I respond when I feel like responding, on all social media platforms and on my cell. I'm 29 for reference. If you respond to everything immediately, people will expect that from you from now on. The only thing I try to respond to immediately is work stuff. Unless it's the weekend. Then, I don't respond unless it's a work emergency, which is rare. Everyone else can wait for when I have the time. If I get texts with questions in them, I do try to respond within a few hours, but again, I'm not going to stress about it. Decide what works for you and go with it. If people don't respect your boundaries, that's their problem.
posted by FireFountain at 10:21 AM on October 10, 2014 [2 favorites]


35 here. I only ever respond, outside of work responsibilities, when I damn well feel like it, which might be never depending on the inanity of the communication.
posted by Cycloptichorn at 3:23 PM on October 10, 2014


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