How do I not be a meet cute mouse?
October 8, 2014 7:48 PM
Meet cute happens. (Yes, these actually happen IRL.) The next time I encounter my meet cute, suddenly this successful, smart, outspoken women becomes a mouse. Literally small and fuzzy and hiding in a corner if at all possible. Any concrete strategies for not doing this? HALP! Example and background after the break.
Just as an example. I had a meet cute at a swim practice a little while ago. Dr. Seuss was involved. Today, I saw him again, and immediately blurted out "[Dr. Seuss reference]! I haven't seen you since! How are you?" He clearly remembered me and responded positively. I then spent the rest of practice as a mouse.
Him: Should we go on x interval? Would you like to lead?
Me: meep
Him: Are you swimming this weekend? How cool!
Me: meep
Poor guy kept trying to engage in conversation and I just couldn't... I'm sure he probably wonders what happened to the sweet woman he met weeks ago.
This unfortunately is not the only example. :(
Background on me: heterosexual female, 36. I was widowed two+ years ago. I think I'm doing really well with my grieving process. I'm in therapy, which is amazing. (If it helps with answers, I have responded really well to CBT, DBT and EMDR.) I'm really happy with my life generally - good career, good friends, good hobbies. But I'm just getting back on the dating scene, and well, let's just say I'm apparently not covered in guy cat nip. (Freudian slip or just an unfortunate mixed metaphor?) But this little hang up isn't going to help! So how do I stop it?
Allright, it was totally one fish two fish.
Just as an example. I had a meet cute at a swim practice a little while ago. Dr. Seuss was involved. Today, I saw him again, and immediately blurted out "[Dr. Seuss reference]! I haven't seen you since! How are you?" He clearly remembered me and responded positively. I then spent the rest of practice as a mouse.
Him: Should we go on x interval? Would you like to lead?
Me: meep
Him: Are you swimming this weekend? How cool!
Me: meep
Poor guy kept trying to engage in conversation and I just couldn't... I'm sure he probably wonders what happened to the sweet woman he met weeks ago.
This unfortunately is not the only example. :(
Background on me: heterosexual female, 36. I was widowed two+ years ago. I think I'm doing really well with my grieving process. I'm in therapy, which is amazing. (If it helps with answers, I have responded really well to CBT, DBT and EMDR.) I'm really happy with my life generally - good career, good friends, good hobbies. But I'm just getting back on the dating scene, and well, let's just say I'm apparently not covered in guy cat nip. (Freudian slip or just an unfortunate mixed metaphor?) But this little hang up isn't going to help! So how do I stop it?
Allright, it was totally one fish two fish.
Sure. :) I too wonder if I'm dating people or cats. Actually I'm not dating anyone or anything - it doesn't get even that far.
When I meet someone I'm really attracted to, it tends to go well the first time. That first time is the 'meet cute' - like in the movies.
Then I spend a little while wondering if I'm going to see them again, and what will happen then. When I do run into them again, it goes extremely badly. I shut down completely and don't know what to say. Even if they are putting in effort and trying to talk to me.
I just run into a great wall of anxiety that I will look foolish and/or be rejected in epic fashion. The inner monologue is all about why I shouldn't say anything - they're certainly taken, they'd be offended, they're probably way too young and then I'm the creepy older lady. There is no way they would be interested in me. This is especially true in situations where I would have to see them again - i.e., we swim on the same team or go to the same dance class...
posted by susiswimmer at 8:37 PM on October 8, 2014
When I meet someone I'm really attracted to, it tends to go well the first time. That first time is the 'meet cute' - like in the movies.
Then I spend a little while wondering if I'm going to see them again, and what will happen then. When I do run into them again, it goes extremely badly. I shut down completely and don't know what to say. Even if they are putting in effort and trying to talk to me.
I just run into a great wall of anxiety that I will look foolish and/or be rejected in epic fashion. The inner monologue is all about why I shouldn't say anything - they're certainly taken, they'd be offended, they're probably way too young and then I'm the creepy older lady. There is no way they would be interested in me. This is especially true in situations where I would have to see them again - i.e., we swim on the same team or go to the same dance class...
posted by susiswimmer at 8:37 PM on October 8, 2014
You have to transition past the "meet cute" to actually interacting with him. (Them.)
So, how do you do that? You have to generate some interest in him within yourself. Sure he's hot in a swimsuit, but what else do you want to know? Where is he coming from? Who does he know? What's he like? What does he think about ____[thing that is important to you]_____? Work that stuff into conversation. Also consider, what do you want him to know about you? Go into your next run-in with some idea of how you'd like to present yourself? Mousy widower? No! Foxy swimsuit! Yes!
Alternatively, just being able to not-meep would be an improvement, so if the personal quiz junk is too much right off the bat maybe have at the ready some SPORTS or CURRENT EVENTS topics you can small talk your way through before moving onto the more personal bits. Water cooler talk, you know? Deckside chatter, front page news, MetaFilter proper is great for this stuff.
Also, start thinking of dates you'd like to take Mr. Meet Cute on. That's really the next step, the point of being able to converse rather than meep-ing your way through these interactions. If you have a goal in mind (coffee! dinner? hookup?!) then you can use that as a wayfinder for your conversational voice. If that kind of thing isn't really a goal, then relieve yourself of all pressure and just flirt. He might get a bit hurt down the way if he's expecting more, but you should move at your own pace.
posted by carsonb at 8:38 PM on October 8, 2014
So, how do you do that? You have to generate some interest in him within yourself. Sure he's hot in a swimsuit, but what else do you want to know? Where is he coming from? Who does he know? What's he like? What does he think about ____[thing that is important to you]_____? Work that stuff into conversation. Also consider, what do you want him to know about you? Go into your next run-in with some idea of how you'd like to present yourself? Mousy widower? No! Foxy swimsuit! Yes!
Alternatively, just being able to not-meep would be an improvement, so if the personal quiz junk is too much right off the bat maybe have at the ready some SPORTS or CURRENT EVENTS topics you can small talk your way through before moving onto the more personal bits. Water cooler talk, you know? Deckside chatter, front page news, MetaFilter proper is great for this stuff.
Also, start thinking of dates you'd like to take Mr. Meet Cute on. That's really the next step, the point of being able to converse rather than meep-ing your way through these interactions. If you have a goal in mind (coffee! dinner? hookup?!) then you can use that as a wayfinder for your conversational voice. If that kind of thing isn't really a goal, then relieve yourself of all pressure and just flirt. He might get a bit hurt down the way if he's expecting more, but you should move at your own pace.
posted by carsonb at 8:38 PM on October 8, 2014
ma'am, you're doing just fine, don't worry about it. the right guy will know what to say (and also, the impossibility of replacing a deceased husband in the heart of a young widow). it is good that you are not covered in guy catnip, because that would only attract a lot of feral tomcats.
i am also relieved, upon clicking your question, that contrary to the implication of your content above the fold, you are not literally turning into a rodent. i probably would have had advice for that too.
posted by bruce at 8:54 PM on October 8, 2014
i am also relieved, upon clicking your question, that contrary to the implication of your content above the fold, you are not literally turning into a rodent. i probably would have had advice for that too.
posted by bruce at 8:54 PM on October 8, 2014
I suggest practicing some possible conversations with either your therapist or even a friend. I think you just need some practice. If you visualize yourself answering, not meeping, it should help in the moment. Then you need to step up above the safest of environments (friend or therapist) to practicing with an acquaintance that you might not be thinking of dating, but would totally grab a coffee with or meet-up for x-hobby. Get yourself into a groove and forget about these meet-cutes as being make-or-break opportunities, you're just making conversation, you know, and maybe something more happens and maybe not, but you're just going to get through a few of these first. If this isn't happening in other social situations then it's more that you are putting too much pressure on these contacts. I'm not much for visualizations, but you've already got this great view of yourself as smart, successful, outspoken, so work that angle. It doesn't have to be a movie-level quip back at him, just a normal conversational flow. You CAN do this, because you already do, right?!
posted by dawg-proud at 8:58 PM on October 8, 2014
posted by dawg-proud at 8:58 PM on October 8, 2014
For me, the deadly part of this type of anxiety is the multiplicity of it - I could do so many things wrong! The other person could respond in so many negative ways that would then make me feel so many awful things! It makes the whole encounter into this minefield where every way you turn, something might blow up in your face. What helps me overcome it is actually focusing on the worst case scenario: what would the bad outcome be, and what would that result in? In the situation of flirting with a new acquaintance, maybe that would be I would say something stupid and ask him out and he would flatly refuse and then I would feel embarrassed and shitty. But when I think more about that happening in real life, I realize that even if it went that badly, I would feel proud of myself for trying, and I would get over it. It wouldn't be a referendum on me as a person or the prospects of me ever dating again. So when I'm worrying about such things, I try to confront the anxiety by thinking, "So it goes wrong, would that really mean I'm a terrible person and no one will ever like me?" and that helps me calm down and realize I'm being a little silly.
posted by unsub at 9:16 PM on October 8, 2014
posted by unsub at 9:16 PM on October 8, 2014
I think you're over-thinking things too much and it's giving you anxiety. Look, either you will be afraid to show who you are and no one will ever know you, or you just say what you're thinking and hope someone likes you. Social anxiety is hard and something I've struggled with, but when it comes to meeting prospective mates, you really just need to adopt a "fuck it" attitude. Either they will like you or they won't, but that's better than them never knowing who you are at all. If they don't like you, then it wasn't meant to be and it's their loss anyway.
I'd stop thinking about "meet cute." Honestly, your question reads like it's in some other language because you are fixated on this idea of "meet cute." You met someone and spoke with them. That's it. Stop thinking/acting like you are in a movie, or a movie-fairytale romance is on the line -- you aren't and one isn't.
posted by AppleTurnover at 9:17 PM on October 8, 2014
I'd stop thinking about "meet cute." Honestly, your question reads like it's in some other language because you are fixated on this idea of "meet cute." You met someone and spoke with them. That's it. Stop thinking/acting like you are in a movie, or a movie-fairytale romance is on the line -- you aren't and one isn't.
posted by AppleTurnover at 9:17 PM on October 8, 2014
You're going to have to cop to it. In real time. It's very difficult to do -- I know. But sometimes the only way to get past meep, and talk to the person in front of you, is to tell them what is going on. That your heart is hammering so hard in your chest that it's actually messing with your hearing. That your hands are trembling -- hold one or both hands out, to display the truth of it. That no, you don't have dust in your eyes, that your eyes are blinking when you try to meet his eyes because of meep.
Or maybe not even in real time, maybe you can call the man you meeped to/at and say "I am remarkably awkward in social situations sometimes, and when I wish with all might and main to be suave, and cool, and flirtatious, just like in the movies, the fact is that often all I am able to do is meep.
If this is a human being you are talking to -- I must assume he is a human being -- then he also is going to have had experience in meep. And he'll recognize your courage in copping to it. And if he is into you, and if he's got guts, and can get past his own meep in your presence, he'll reach out, and put his hand on your arm.
Everybody meeps. It is human. If someone tells you that they have never meeped, you are speaking to a liar.
~~~~~
I learned in public speaking -- which is quite frightening for many people, and damn sure was and sometimes is for me -- I learned that when I am locking up / locking down, the only real way to conquer it is to say, in front of god and everybody "Don't you hate it when you lock up when you're speaking? Damn, I just hate this part of it." Look around the room while and after saying that -- you're going to see heads nodding, you're going to see people looking you dead in the eye, knowing that you're being straight-up, and honest as you know how to be.
It's that part of us that can't *stand* to be seen that is locking us down -- for lack of better, I call it ego. Regardless whatever you call it, and however you want to think of it, I know from long experience that it dies like mold sprayed with bleach in the shower when I cop to it, and it leaves me alone, and if it *doesn't* leave me alone, hey, I just cop to it again -- it *really* hates that part, and it slinks off, like the miserable cur that it is.
~~~~~
So this is sortof like public speaking. In fact, it *is* of course public speaking. Still, it's different, and you're going to have to risk standing there like a complete dope after you've said your piece -- maybe this guy really only did want to swim with you or whatever, and not take with you a romantic naked weekend trip to the islands, which you maybe just blurted out.
~~~~~
Blurt becomes the next hazard, once you've opened your mouth and cleared meep; a case could easily be made that meep came about in the human evolutionary process to prevent us from the dire consequences of blurt.
I'll maybe blurt out "My truck gets great milage!" because I'm completely out of control, and she's got these really great legs, and now she's looking at me quizzically, thinking "He has a truck? Wha'?" but if I've copped to meep, and she's understanding of meep, and interested in me at all, and is forgiving, and decent, and has perhaps blurted herself a few times, and if life smiles upon me, she'll maybe give me her phone number, and I'll stagger off, clutching it to my pounding heart in my sweating hands....
~~~~~
There are people who meet someone at work, and slowly and over time they become friends and then the friendship warms and it's a natural process, and they needn't go through this jive. Or maybe it's the girl next door, or the guy next door in your case, and you walk home from church together maybe, and sit on the porch together eating peach cobbler that Aunt Bea made.
But I think that most of us are forced to reach out past Aunt Bea's porch, that most of us are forced to face down meep as best we are able, that most of us have to risk looking like the Ultimate Total Dork Of The Year at least sometimes, or we won't get the goods. I won't say that it's a skill because I don't think that anyone is really graceful at it; it's more a steel in the spine thing, a forcing ourselves to reach out. And even still, we mostly won't get the goods, and we will look like the complete total dork that every human has inside them, but we'll *never* get our grubby hands on each other if we don't overcome meep.
Have fun!
posted by dancestoblue at 9:32 PM on October 8, 2014
Or maybe not even in real time, maybe you can call the man you meeped to/at and say "I am remarkably awkward in social situations sometimes, and when I wish with all might and main to be suave, and cool, and flirtatious, just like in the movies, the fact is that often all I am able to do is meep.
If this is a human being you are talking to -- I must assume he is a human being -- then he also is going to have had experience in meep. And he'll recognize your courage in copping to it. And if he is into you, and if he's got guts, and can get past his own meep in your presence, he'll reach out, and put his hand on your arm.
Everybody meeps. It is human. If someone tells you that they have never meeped, you are speaking to a liar.
~~~~~
I learned in public speaking -- which is quite frightening for many people, and damn sure was and sometimes is for me -- I learned that when I am locking up / locking down, the only real way to conquer it is to say, in front of god and everybody "Don't you hate it when you lock up when you're speaking? Damn, I just hate this part of it." Look around the room while and after saying that -- you're going to see heads nodding, you're going to see people looking you dead in the eye, knowing that you're being straight-up, and honest as you know how to be.
It's that part of us that can't *stand* to be seen that is locking us down -- for lack of better, I call it ego. Regardless whatever you call it, and however you want to think of it, I know from long experience that it dies like mold sprayed with bleach in the shower when I cop to it, and it leaves me alone, and if it *doesn't* leave me alone, hey, I just cop to it again -- it *really* hates that part, and it slinks off, like the miserable cur that it is.
~~~~~
So this is sortof like public speaking. In fact, it *is* of course public speaking. Still, it's different, and you're going to have to risk standing there like a complete dope after you've said your piece -- maybe this guy really only did want to swim with you or whatever, and not take with you a romantic naked weekend trip to the islands, which you maybe just blurted out.
~~~~~
Blurt becomes the next hazard, once you've opened your mouth and cleared meep; a case could easily be made that meep came about in the human evolutionary process to prevent us from the dire consequences of blurt.
I'll maybe blurt out "My truck gets great milage!" because I'm completely out of control, and she's got these really great legs, and now she's looking at me quizzically, thinking "He has a truck? Wha'?" but if I've copped to meep, and she's understanding of meep, and interested in me at all, and is forgiving, and decent, and has perhaps blurted herself a few times, and if life smiles upon me, she'll maybe give me her phone number, and I'll stagger off, clutching it to my pounding heart in my sweating hands....
~~~~~
There are people who meet someone at work, and slowly and over time they become friends and then the friendship warms and it's a natural process, and they needn't go through this jive. Or maybe it's the girl next door, or the guy next door in your case, and you walk home from church together maybe, and sit on the porch together eating peach cobbler that Aunt Bea made.
But I think that most of us are forced to reach out past Aunt Bea's porch, that most of us are forced to face down meep as best we are able, that most of us have to risk looking like the Ultimate Total Dork Of The Year at least sometimes, or we won't get the goods. I won't say that it's a skill because I don't think that anyone is really graceful at it; it's more a steel in the spine thing, a forcing ourselves to reach out. And even still, we mostly won't get the goods, and we will look like the complete total dork that every human has inside them, but we'll *never* get our grubby hands on each other if we don't overcome meep.
Have fun!
posted by dancestoblue at 9:32 PM on October 8, 2014
"Sorry, I'm suddenly a bit shy."
I mean, it's not ideal but at least the other person knows you don't hate him!
posted by Omnomnom at 2:38 AM on October 9, 2014
I mean, it's not ideal but at least the other person knows you don't hate him!
posted by Omnomnom at 2:38 AM on October 9, 2014
It seems like your mouseness comes from two worries:
(1) "What if the guy isn't interested, and I embarrass myself?"
(2) "What if the guy IS interested, and I screw this up for myself?"
(1) is actually pretty easy to resolve. If somebody (male or female) is friendly to you, it is pretty much always in the hope that you will be friendly back. Maybe they hope it will go beyond friendliness, or maybe they just want to be friends, or maybe they just want a brief social interaction in passing... but they will never, ever be offended if you mirror their friendliness back to them.
Now, on to concern #2...
It might help if you don't think of it as trying to get yourself a date. Instead, you're trying to get a date for some distant future version of yourself. Let's call her "Susi Two Years From Now".
If you are trying to find a date in the present, then it's very stressful-- you have to say the right thing! Right now! QUICK SAY THE PERFECT THING! (And since there is no such thing as the perfect thing, that can very quickly become DON'T SAY ANYTHING!!!)
But if you're thinking about Susi Two Years From Now... Well, Susi Two Years From Now doesn't really care whether you had a date on a particular October weekend in 2014. What Susi Two Years From Now really wants is lots of experience in interacting with lots of different guys. Because she can then use that experience to get a date in her futuristic world of 2016.
So, if you say something to Dr. Seuss in the swimming pool and it's the right thing -- hey, great. Susi Two Years From Now will have be that much more experienced in flirting. But you know what? If you say exactly the wrong thing, that will be just as useful to Susi Two Years From Now. It's all useful experience to her.
At a certain point, Susi Two Years From Now might want experience in actually asking guys out on dates. But she doesn't need that from you. Let her get that from Susi One Year From Now. All she needs from you, Susi Right Now, is some practice at talking to guys you find attractive.
So, don't make it your goal to get this guy interested in you, or to say the right thing. Your goal right now is just to practice talking to him. The advantage of this is that if you say anything -- no matter how dumb or inappropriate it feels coming out of your mouth -- you have succeeded in your goal!
posted by yankeefog at 3:18 AM on October 9, 2014
(1) "What if the guy isn't interested, and I embarrass myself?"
(2) "What if the guy IS interested, and I screw this up for myself?"
(1) is actually pretty easy to resolve. If somebody (male or female) is friendly to you, it is pretty much always in the hope that you will be friendly back. Maybe they hope it will go beyond friendliness, or maybe they just want to be friends, or maybe they just want a brief social interaction in passing... but they will never, ever be offended if you mirror their friendliness back to them.
Now, on to concern #2...
It might help if you don't think of it as trying to get yourself a date. Instead, you're trying to get a date for some distant future version of yourself. Let's call her "Susi Two Years From Now".
If you are trying to find a date in the present, then it's very stressful-- you have to say the right thing! Right now! QUICK SAY THE PERFECT THING! (And since there is no such thing as the perfect thing, that can very quickly become DON'T SAY ANYTHING!!!)
But if you're thinking about Susi Two Years From Now... Well, Susi Two Years From Now doesn't really care whether you had a date on a particular October weekend in 2014. What Susi Two Years From Now really wants is lots of experience in interacting with lots of different guys. Because she can then use that experience to get a date in her futuristic world of 2016.
So, if you say something to Dr. Seuss in the swimming pool and it's the right thing -- hey, great. Susi Two Years From Now will have be that much more experienced in flirting. But you know what? If you say exactly the wrong thing, that will be just as useful to Susi Two Years From Now. It's all useful experience to her.
At a certain point, Susi Two Years From Now might want experience in actually asking guys out on dates. But she doesn't need that from you. Let her get that from Susi One Year From Now. All she needs from you, Susi Right Now, is some practice at talking to guys you find attractive.
So, don't make it your goal to get this guy interested in you, or to say the right thing. Your goal right now is just to practice talking to him. The advantage of this is that if you say anything -- no matter how dumb or inappropriate it feels coming out of your mouth -- you have succeeded in your goal!
posted by yankeefog at 3:18 AM on October 9, 2014
Are you in any way worried that you'll have to explain that you are widowed? What I mean is, when you meet cute that's out of the blue. When you meet again it's a guy girl thing and that could lead to having to talk about your status as a single woman.
Does your therapist have thoughts?
Maybe have a plan like if I see OFTF again, I will say great to see you again, would you like to meet for coffee Sunday afternoon? If you can blurt that out initially, further conversational meeps won't be such an ordeal.
(BTW, as a person bad with names, everyone is One Fish Two Fish. Referring to something from our most recent convo
is literally how I greet most people.)
posted by Lesser Shrew at 5:51 AM on October 9, 2014
Does your therapist have thoughts?
Maybe have a plan like if I see OFTF again, I will say great to see you again, would you like to meet for coffee Sunday afternoon? If you can blurt that out initially, further conversational meeps won't be such an ordeal.
(BTW, as a person bad with names, everyone is One Fish Two Fish. Referring to something from our most recent convo
is literally how I greet most people.)
posted by Lesser Shrew at 5:51 AM on October 9, 2014
I'd stop thinking about "meet cute." Honestly, your question reads like it's in some other language because you are fixated on this idea of "meet cute." You met someone and spoke with them. That's it. Stop thinking/acting like you are in a movie, or a movie-fairytale romance is on the line -- you aren't and one isn't.
Seconding this. It sounds very much like you're wishing there were some kind of script for this plot that is in your head - but there isn't one, because this isn't a movie, and so you're getting anxious. Not that getting butterflies in your stomach at the prospect of talking to a guy isn't normal either - but trying to frame things in terms of there being a script you should follow is probably just making things worse.
So instead of thinking in things in terms of "meet cute" and "I'm turning into a mouse" or whatever, just...think of it like, you met someone, and maybe something will happen and maybe it won't. But in the meantime you're just going to treat him like a person you like talking to and whatever happens will happen. Real life isn't anything like movies in some ways - you don't see the scenes where people are awkward and weird and fumbly, or when you do it's always in this cute and adorable version of being awkward. If they just put a camera on people and filmed real life it would be boring as fuck to watch. But LIVING real life is fascinating.
Ditch the TV tropes way of thinking about this and try writing your own script instead.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 6:16 AM on October 9, 2014
Seconding this. It sounds very much like you're wishing there were some kind of script for this plot that is in your head - but there isn't one, because this isn't a movie, and so you're getting anxious. Not that getting butterflies in your stomach at the prospect of talking to a guy isn't normal either - but trying to frame things in terms of there being a script you should follow is probably just making things worse.
So instead of thinking in things in terms of "meet cute" and "I'm turning into a mouse" or whatever, just...think of it like, you met someone, and maybe something will happen and maybe it won't. But in the meantime you're just going to treat him like a person you like talking to and whatever happens will happen. Real life isn't anything like movies in some ways - you don't see the scenes where people are awkward and weird and fumbly, or when you do it's always in this cute and adorable version of being awkward. If they just put a camera on people and filmed real life it would be boring as fuck to watch. But LIVING real life is fascinating.
Ditch the TV tropes way of thinking about this and try writing your own script instead.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 6:16 AM on October 9, 2014
Don't worry, your question was perfectly understandable!
I think you need to stop overthinking things so much, though. It would help, I think, to talk more with people you aren't interested in dating, as a sort of dry run.
posted by poffin boffin at 7:04 AM on October 9, 2014
I think you need to stop overthinking things so much, though. It would help, I think, to talk more with people you aren't interested in dating, as a sort of dry run.
posted by poffin boffin at 7:04 AM on October 9, 2014
Today, I saw him again, and immediately blurted out "[Dr. Seuss reference]! I haven't seen you since! How are you?" He clearly remembered me and responded positively.
I don't know, you sound totally adorable. In my experience, men don't notice this stuff when they're not interested or they find it totally endearing when they are. You seem to really have your life together (especially after dealing with such a personal tragedy) and you seem happy. Those are two very attractive traits so I say keep on being yourself. If you're worried that he will take your loss of words as a lack of interest just smile when you see him.
posted by Room 641-A at 7:45 AM on October 9, 2014
I don't know, you sound totally adorable. In my experience, men don't notice this stuff when they're not interested or they find it totally endearing when they are. You seem to really have your life together (especially after dealing with such a personal tragedy) and you seem happy. Those are two very attractive traits so I say keep on being yourself. If you're worried that he will take your loss of words as a lack of interest just smile when you see him.
posted by Room 641-A at 7:45 AM on October 9, 2014
There was a thread the other day about networking in general, and reading it really crystallised something for me --- that the anxiety I experience in such situations really surges when I'm focusing on me --- what am I going to say, what if I screw this up --- and it dissipates and isn't a problem when I'm focusing on them, on the person I'm interacting with and whatever it is I want/need to know from them. I think that general lesson applies here, too --- if you know you're likely to run into your man at the next class, try and think of something you want to ask him, something to follow up on from your last conversation. Doesn't have to be complicated --- did you end up going apple picking last weekend, have you tried the advanced swim class here, did you ever get your car troubles sorted out? If possible, try and think of something you noticed about him, that's always flattering. "I really liked the sweater you wore last week, and I was thinking of getting something like it for my brother's birthday --- where did you get it?" Etc.
posted by Diablevert at 8:14 AM on October 9, 2014
posted by Diablevert at 8:14 AM on October 9, 2014
Practice asking him to coffee next time you see him. "Hey! Blue Fish! Nice to see you again. Want to grab coffee on Saturday?"
Say it over and over and over again until you're comfortable.
Then when next you see him, say it. What's the worst that could happen? He says no. But there's a non-zero chance he'll say yes, and you'll have made the connection. Don't worry so much about if he's a date or not, just get to know him. He might be in a relationship or not into chicks, or whatever, but you're not looking for a date per se, he's a nice guy you'd like to get to know better.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 8:22 AM on October 9, 2014
Say it over and over and over again until you're comfortable.
Then when next you see him, say it. What's the worst that could happen? He says no. But there's a non-zero chance he'll say yes, and you'll have made the connection. Don't worry so much about if he's a date or not, just get to know him. He might be in a relationship or not into chicks, or whatever, but you're not looking for a date per se, he's a nice guy you'd like to get to know better.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 8:22 AM on October 9, 2014
This is why, in recent years, I meet men online -- and not via dating sites. Before the Internet, I mostly got involved with good friends whom I had a lot of time to get to know socially before any question of romance came up. Because otherwise I just can't function when that question comes up. I just can't.
I was friends for a time with a woman who had a child with a diagnosis of selective mutism -- which is a fancy way of saying that in certain social situations, the girl literally was unable to speak. Of course telling people she had selective mutism was the worst mistake ever, making the girl cringe and clam up more, and mom went back to saying "She's just really shy."
I suspect I would qualify for a diagnosis of selective mutism and it mostly comes out, you guessed it, in romantic or sexual situations. Sometimes, my usual glib nature just completely fails me, in part because I have baggage and start really stressing about how to bring up SOME BIG DEAL TOPIC or other and I just clam up (and sometimes people misinterpret this in a really negative way). And then trying to explain "It's not you, it's me" is kind of like the mom saying her daughter had selective mutism because it just makes things worse. So I work hard on trying to find low key ways to divulge those big deal topics in a way that doesn't have me hyperventilating and clamming up. (And that is where knowing people socially first comes in -- because I am a big blabber mouth, so if you know me for a while, you probably already know all the "dirt" that would make me freak out at the thought of mentioning it on a first date or similar -- ie telling someone who has expressed romantic interest but does not already know these things about me.)
So I will Nth the suggestion that part of this might be because you are widowed and that seems like a BIG DEAL TOPIC. If that is one of the issues, it might help to try to get introductions to men through mutual acquaintances who can pre-notify them in a casual way that you are widowed. Alternately, you can work on developing some casual low-key patter that will allow you to bring it up without making a mountain out of a molehill.
Maybe wear your wedding band on a necklace? My mother told me that means you are widowed. Google says there are various reasons people will wear a ring on a necklace (including being widowed), but it might be an easy way to start the conversation if people decide to ask.
I just run into a great wall of anxiety that I will look foolish and/or be rejected in epic fashion. The inner monologue is all about why I shouldn't say anything - they're certainly taken, they'd be offended, they're probably way too young and then I'm the creepy older lady.
I have similar anxieties and would be pretty mortified if I tried to initiate only to be told I am too old or something. (And the age thing is one of my big fears, so I tend to assume that if men are younger than me, they aren't interested.) One of the things I have worked on is trying to master the art of leaving the door open (socially) so they can make the first move if they so choose. It helps me to think in terms of "If they aren't interested romantically and are just being friendly, then I have nothing to stress about as it just won't come up." Since it is the social norm that men are supposed to be the initiators, this seems to be a fairly low-risk path. I mean, if I were a guy, it might be a bad policy. But since I am female, it seems to me that most men will, at some point, let me know if they are looking for romance -- as long as I haven't already slammed the door shut in their face, so to speak. So I focus on just not giving people the cold shoulder.
posted by Michele in California at 11:16 AM on October 9, 2014
I was friends for a time with a woman who had a child with a diagnosis of selective mutism -- which is a fancy way of saying that in certain social situations, the girl literally was unable to speak. Of course telling people she had selective mutism was the worst mistake ever, making the girl cringe and clam up more, and mom went back to saying "She's just really shy."
I suspect I would qualify for a diagnosis of selective mutism and it mostly comes out, you guessed it, in romantic or sexual situations. Sometimes, my usual glib nature just completely fails me, in part because I have baggage and start really stressing about how to bring up SOME BIG DEAL TOPIC or other and I just clam up (and sometimes people misinterpret this in a really negative way). And then trying to explain "It's not you, it's me" is kind of like the mom saying her daughter had selective mutism because it just makes things worse. So I work hard on trying to find low key ways to divulge those big deal topics in a way that doesn't have me hyperventilating and clamming up. (And that is where knowing people socially first comes in -- because I am a big blabber mouth, so if you know me for a while, you probably already know all the "dirt" that would make me freak out at the thought of mentioning it on a first date or similar -- ie telling someone who has expressed romantic interest but does not already know these things about me.)
So I will Nth the suggestion that part of this might be because you are widowed and that seems like a BIG DEAL TOPIC. If that is one of the issues, it might help to try to get introductions to men through mutual acquaintances who can pre-notify them in a casual way that you are widowed. Alternately, you can work on developing some casual low-key patter that will allow you to bring it up without making a mountain out of a molehill.
Maybe wear your wedding band on a necklace? My mother told me that means you are widowed. Google says there are various reasons people will wear a ring on a necklace (including being widowed), but it might be an easy way to start the conversation if people decide to ask.
I just run into a great wall of anxiety that I will look foolish and/or be rejected in epic fashion. The inner monologue is all about why I shouldn't say anything - they're certainly taken, they'd be offended, they're probably way too young and then I'm the creepy older lady.
I have similar anxieties and would be pretty mortified if I tried to initiate only to be told I am too old or something. (And the age thing is one of my big fears, so I tend to assume that if men are younger than me, they aren't interested.) One of the things I have worked on is trying to master the art of leaving the door open (socially) so they can make the first move if they so choose. It helps me to think in terms of "If they aren't interested romantically and are just being friendly, then I have nothing to stress about as it just won't come up." Since it is the social norm that men are supposed to be the initiators, this seems to be a fairly low-risk path. I mean, if I were a guy, it might be a bad policy. But since I am female, it seems to me that most men will, at some point, let me know if they are looking for romance -- as long as I haven't already slammed the door shut in their face, so to speak. So I focus on just not giving people the cold shoulder.
posted by Michele in California at 11:16 AM on October 9, 2014
You know, I often find that, when I am nervous in social situations, I can address that problem by asking people questions about themselves. This has proven to be a lot more helpful than you might think.
posted by Mr. Justice at 11:55 AM on October 9, 2014
posted by Mr. Justice at 11:55 AM on October 9, 2014
Wow. I laughed, I cried, I took a little bit of tough love medicine. There is some great advice here. Thanks to all.
I marked as best answers those that have the little tidbits that I will carry with me as a memory device for this whole Ask.
@AppleTurnover - Yup, not a damn heroine in a damn movie. Check.
@dancestoblue - I laughed myself to tears through yours, but this will stick with me most: If someone tells you that they have never meeped, you are speaking to a liar.
@yankeefog - Susi2014 is so grateful to Susi2012 for taking some huge risks and even making an ass of herself. Thank you for reminding me that Susi2016 will feel the same.
@Lesser Shrew and MiC - oh god, THE BIG DEAL TOPIC. Thank you for reminding me that the big deal topics lose their scary capital letters when you just lay em out up front or practice your responses.
@Greg Nog - As a grown [ass] human woman...fools em every time! And at least I'm not a tower of squirrels in a trenchcoat, because that would be really awkward.
and @the young rope-rider and Room 641-A - the sugar that makes the medicine go down. Thank you.
posted by susiswimmer at 7:18 PM on October 9, 2014
I marked as best answers those that have the little tidbits that I will carry with me as a memory device for this whole Ask.
@AppleTurnover - Yup, not a damn heroine in a damn movie. Check.
@dancestoblue - I laughed myself to tears through yours, but this will stick with me most: If someone tells you that they have never meeped, you are speaking to a liar.
@yankeefog - Susi2014 is so grateful to Susi2012 for taking some huge risks and even making an ass of herself. Thank you for reminding me that Susi2016 will feel the same.
@Lesser Shrew and MiC - oh god, THE BIG DEAL TOPIC. Thank you for reminding me that the big deal topics lose their scary capital letters when you just lay em out up front or practice your responses.
@Greg Nog - As a grown [ass] human woman...fools em every time! And at least I'm not a tower of squirrels in a trenchcoat, because that would be really awkward.
and @the young rope-rider and Room 641-A - the sugar that makes the medicine go down. Thank you.
posted by susiswimmer at 7:18 PM on October 9, 2014
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 8:28 PM on October 8, 2014