How true is this, really?
September 16, 2014 10:21 AM Subscribe
In your personal experience, how true are quotes like these?
"In the end, we only regret the chances we did not take" or "Regret for the things we have done will be tempered by time. It is regret for the things we did not do that is inconsolable.”
I am at a crossroads in my life (considering divorce). I feel like I should take the plunge, but the negative consequences will be great. I find strength and motivation in quotes like these, but I wonder...how accurate are they? I don't know because I've never taken any chances in my life. Have never made any big decisions that would have far-reaching consequences like the one I'm currently facing.
There are many people in my life who have done something similar and are encouraging me because their outcomes have been positive. But in the interest of balance, I'd like to hear from those with the opposite experience. If you've been in this position - regretted a big decision that you put a lot of thought into - please tell me what it was like and what you learned from it.
I am at a crossroads in my life (considering divorce). I feel like I should take the plunge, but the negative consequences will be great. I find strength and motivation in quotes like these, but I wonder...how accurate are they? I don't know because I've never taken any chances in my life. Have never made any big decisions that would have far-reaching consequences like the one I'm currently facing.
There are many people in my life who have done something similar and are encouraging me because their outcomes have been positive. But in the interest of balance, I'd like to hear from those with the opposite experience. If you've been in this position - regretted a big decision that you put a lot of thought into - please tell me what it was like and what you learned from it.
I think the regret that comes from not doing something is indeed different, because when you're at a crossroads, you have no definite way of knowing the outcome of your actions: will I be happy? Will this be a mistake? Once time has passed, you have a clearer picture in retrospect of what happened when you decided not to act, and if not acting had a less-than-desirable outcome, you're left to wonder if deciding to act might have had a better outcome.
I don't know if this is clear, so I'll use your example: if you decide not to divorce, and in ten years you'll still be in an unhappy marriage, you might regret not getting that divorce. But right now you don't have that perspective, because you don't know for a fact that your marriage will continue unhappily.
If you do get a divorce, things will change and things will happen in your life that woukdn't have happened otherwise, so regretting making that decision might be overshadowed by appreciating the good things that came out of it.
This is, by no means, an attempt to convince you to get a divorce, but that's not the kind of advice it seems you're looking for, anyways.
posted by alon at 10:33 AM on September 16, 2014
I don't know if this is clear, so I'll use your example: if you decide not to divorce, and in ten years you'll still be in an unhappy marriage, you might regret not getting that divorce. But right now you don't have that perspective, because you don't know for a fact that your marriage will continue unhappily.
If you do get a divorce, things will change and things will happen in your life that woukdn't have happened otherwise, so regretting making that decision might be overshadowed by appreciating the good things that came out of it.
This is, by no means, an attempt to convince you to get a divorce, but that's not the kind of advice it seems you're looking for, anyways.
posted by alon at 10:33 AM on September 16, 2014
Best answer: I think this has a lot to do with your own personal philosophy on life. If you adopt the idea that you try not to regret anything, then it won't matter if you did or didn't make a choice or took a different path.
I, personally, own my decisions. I try not to regret making a choice, or not making one. Occasionally I'll wish I'd have done something differently, but it's more.. lamenting. I don't feel bad about these things. Just wistful thoughts.
A beloved family member of mine is currently in a relationship where she's choosing to avoid negative consequences at the cost of her happiness. She won't leave because of money and a roof. She's also bucking the idea of having to return home for the first time since she moved out. All these are more important to her then her own happiness.
Are your negative consequences more important to you then your own happiness? Which would you regret more?
posted by royalsong at 10:34 AM on September 16, 2014 [3 favorites]
I, personally, own my decisions. I try not to regret making a choice, or not making one. Occasionally I'll wish I'd have done something differently, but it's more.. lamenting. I don't feel bad about these things. Just wistful thoughts.
A beloved family member of mine is currently in a relationship where she's choosing to avoid negative consequences at the cost of her happiness. She won't leave because of money and a roof. She's also bucking the idea of having to return home for the first time since she moved out. All these are more important to her then her own happiness.
Are your negative consequences more important to you then your own happiness? Which would you regret more?
posted by royalsong at 10:34 AM on September 16, 2014 [3 favorites]
Puppet--They are both true and both false. Actions which I did not take are some of the few regrets I do have and actions I took have brought the greatest rewards and peace. But one of the great things about the human mind is that it tends to build a case (reduces cognitive dissonance) for the actions taken/not taken. I have no doubt that a painful decision 30 years ago to divorce and remarry was the best single decision I made (other than having children). But I also think much more important are the little decisions you make in everyday living--behaving with integrity, telling the truth, taking care of your own health, consistently practicing enlightened self interest, being just and kind with others, etc. One never knows (or can know) what the real consequences of major choices (made or unmade) are. But we do know the consequences of the all the little decisions that make up our daily life and the quality of daily life. I wish you well as you struggle with the eternal struggle of trying to answer the unanswerable.
posted by rmhsinc at 10:38 AM on September 16, 2014
posted by rmhsinc at 10:38 AM on September 16, 2014
I think this is a hard thing to really analyze, since we're always making choices. There's no THING YOU DID vs. THING YOU DID NOT DO.
I find in my life that I definitely have more regrets related to things I wish I'd done than things I wish I hadn't done. Except that everything you do is the backside of something you didn't do, and vice versa. I regret not doing a year abroad during college. But the reason I didn't do a year abroad is that I chose a school that lacked a strong study abroad program, chose a major that didn't lend itself to studying abroad, and then I transferred schools. By the time I ended up at the school I graduated from, studying abroad just wasn't a priority. So that "thing I did not do" is bracketed by a ton of things I did which I also kind of regret.
Either way, there's really no way to determine based on a quote like this which is the right course of action for you in any particular moment in your life. It's not really a life motto that use useful in anything other than hindsight.
posted by Sara C. at 10:44 AM on September 16, 2014 [1 favorite]
I find in my life that I definitely have more regrets related to things I wish I'd done than things I wish I hadn't done. Except that everything you do is the backside of something you didn't do, and vice versa. I regret not doing a year abroad during college. But the reason I didn't do a year abroad is that I chose a school that lacked a strong study abroad program, chose a major that didn't lend itself to studying abroad, and then I transferred schools. By the time I ended up at the school I graduated from, studying abroad just wasn't a priority. So that "thing I did not do" is bracketed by a ton of things I did which I also kind of regret.
Either way, there's really no way to determine based on a quote like this which is the right course of action for you in any particular moment in your life. It's not really a life motto that use useful in anything other than hindsight.
posted by Sara C. at 10:44 AM on September 16, 2014 [1 favorite]
"In the end, we only regret the chances we did not take"
I always think people who say things like this should visit a prison or a substance abuse clinic. Obviously there are risks/chances/actions you can actively take that will RUIN YOUR LIFE and that you will spend the rest of your life bitterly regretting.
But yeah, don't make major life decisions off lazy aphorisms. Choices like this are incredibly complex and difficult, and either path can have good or bad consequences that the chooser cannot possibly foresee. Life is hard and decisions are hard- that's why people try to comfort themselves with silly sayings. Sorry for your tough situation, and I hope it all works out for the best.
posted by drjimmy11 at 10:49 AM on September 16, 2014 [19 favorites]
I always think people who say things like this should visit a prison or a substance abuse clinic. Obviously there are risks/chances/actions you can actively take that will RUIN YOUR LIFE and that you will spend the rest of your life bitterly regretting.
But yeah, don't make major life decisions off lazy aphorisms. Choices like this are incredibly complex and difficult, and either path can have good or bad consequences that the chooser cannot possibly foresee. Life is hard and decisions are hard- that's why people try to comfort themselves with silly sayings. Sorry for your tough situation, and I hope it all works out for the best.
posted by drjimmy11 at 10:49 AM on September 16, 2014 [19 favorites]
The research seems to back up the statements you made - Daniel Gilbert, who has done a lot of research on happiness talks about this in his book, Stumbling on Happiness. The gist of the research results are that while most people think they will regret foolish actions more than foolish inactions, in actuality the opposite is true. People tend to regret actions they did not take, much more than actions they did take. He goes on to explain this further in his book - a big part of the reason why is our tendency to rationalize. We tend to overestimate both positive and negative effects on our happiness of future events i.e. we tend to think something bad happening will make us much more unhappy than it actually will. We also tend to think something good happpening will make us much more happy than it actually will.
For example, I spent 6 years in a PhD program and ended up with only a Masters. If you'd asked me at the outset, would I regret the years I spent given such an outcome, I would have said of course! But honestly, I truly don't - I met lots of great people who are now my friends, I met my husband who is of a type difficult to find in corporate America, I learnt lots of cool stuff and have now come out of the whole experience with a good career and my priorities clear.
posted by peacheater at 10:51 AM on September 16, 2014 [1 favorite]
For example, I spent 6 years in a PhD program and ended up with only a Masters. If you'd asked me at the outset, would I regret the years I spent given such an outcome, I would have said of course! But honestly, I truly don't - I met lots of great people who are now my friends, I met my husband who is of a type difficult to find in corporate America, I learnt lots of cool stuff and have now come out of the whole experience with a good career and my priorities clear.
posted by peacheater at 10:51 AM on September 16, 2014 [1 favorite]
Best answer: I'm going to avoid answering your question directly, but, I always feel better when I make a choice (even if it's a choice to keep things as they are) than finding myself someplace because I merely allowed things to happen to me.
Does it always work out brilliantly? Nope, but even exercising the agency is good for you.
posted by Emperor SnooKloze at 10:52 AM on September 16, 2014 [11 favorites]
Does it always work out brilliantly? Nope, but even exercising the agency is good for you.
posted by Emperor SnooKloze at 10:52 AM on September 16, 2014 [11 favorites]
In this case, which is the choice? Staying married when you are considering divorce is taking a chance. Divorcing is taking a chance.
Steering you back to b1tr0t's comment.
posted by Lesser Shrew at 11:01 AM on September 16, 2014
Steering you back to b1tr0t's comment.
posted by Lesser Shrew at 11:01 AM on September 16, 2014
Best answer: I've made some Big Life Choice decisions that I later felt like it would have been better if I hadn't have done them. I learned that things that seem like a good idea at the time can have unintended consequences, but it's pointless to beat yourself up about it. We're only capable of doing what seems like a good idea at the time using the information at hand.
posted by bleep at 11:04 AM on September 16, 2014 [3 favorites]
posted by bleep at 11:04 AM on September 16, 2014 [3 favorites]
All philosophical arguments aside, I can say definitively that on the scale that is my life, there are many more chances I wish I would have taken than chances I took and regretted.
posted by _DB_ at 11:06 AM on September 16, 2014
posted by _DB_ at 11:06 AM on September 16, 2014
They are just meant to be inspirational quotes, not guidelines for making life decisions!
"Regret for the things we have done will be tempered by time. It is regret for the things we did not do that is inconsolable.”
This really oversimplifies the matter. Choosing to do one thing often means having another things you did not do, such as deciding to move to one place and not another.
In your own situation, choosing divorce might cause you regret that you did not work on your relationship more, regret that you picked the wrong divorce attorney, regret that you broke the news the way you did. Choosing to stay in your relationship might cause you to regret that you did not get divorced sooner, or regret that you brought children into a bad relationship, or regret that you didn't make different life choices in other areas.
I don't know because I've never taken any chances in my life. Have never made any big decisions that would have far-reaching consequences like the one I'm currently facing.
I realize that some people are forced into marriages they did not freely choose for themselves, or get married while drunk or otherwise under the influence and don't realize that it's happening, but unless that's what happened you HAVE made big decisions with far reaching consequences, you got married!
If you didn't get married at some point you might be misunderstanding how this divorce thing works, it's actually more complex to have a common law marriage than most people think, IANAL, consult an attorney.
posted by yohko at 11:11 AM on September 16, 2014
"Regret for the things we have done will be tempered by time. It is regret for the things we did not do that is inconsolable.”
This really oversimplifies the matter. Choosing to do one thing often means having another things you did not do, such as deciding to move to one place and not another.
In your own situation, choosing divorce might cause you regret that you did not work on your relationship more, regret that you picked the wrong divorce attorney, regret that you broke the news the way you did. Choosing to stay in your relationship might cause you to regret that you did not get divorced sooner, or regret that you brought children into a bad relationship, or regret that you didn't make different life choices in other areas.
I don't know because I've never taken any chances in my life. Have never made any big decisions that would have far-reaching consequences like the one I'm currently facing.
I realize that some people are forced into marriages they did not freely choose for themselves, or get married while drunk or otherwise under the influence and don't realize that it's happening, but unless that's what happened you HAVE made big decisions with far reaching consequences, you got married!
If you didn't get married at some point you might be misunderstanding how this divorce thing works, it's actually more complex to have a common law marriage than most people think, IANAL, consult an attorney.
posted by yohko at 11:11 AM on September 16, 2014
Also, regret isn't so terrible. Sometimes you wish you'd done something different, but life goes on -- or if it doesn't, you won't be around to regret anything.
Most choices don't lead unequivocally to nothing but good or bad things, there's a mix, it's not a binary.
posted by yohko at 11:15 AM on September 16, 2014
Most choices don't lead unequivocally to nothing but good or bad things, there's a mix, it's not a binary.
posted by yohko at 11:15 AM on September 16, 2014
Personally I think they're a crock of shit, but that's my glass half empty spectacles talking, on a bad day. That doesn't necessarily mean the 'crock of shit' school necessarily lacks validity though.
posted by tanktop at 11:17 AM on September 16, 2014
posted by tanktop at 11:17 AM on September 16, 2014
Speaking solely from personal experience, I do not regret having sex with any of my partners, no matter how lame. I pretty much can't forgive myself for the times that I've declined for some purpose other than I didn't want to. Like, I wanted him to remember me or some bullshit. I also only regret not divorcing sooner or not getting married in the first place, so one of those is regret for something not done (or not done at the right time) and the other is regret for something done, so you know, it might go either way for you.
posted by janey47 at 11:17 AM on September 16, 2014
posted by janey47 at 11:17 AM on September 16, 2014
Best answer: Seconding bleep's comment. I've also made some big life choices that I later regretted immensely, but at the time I made those choices, I made them with the information I had at hand, and had thoughtfully considered all the options (or at least I thought I did). It's tough to know what your future self would want, for many reasons. In my case, I'm a completely different person now than years ago when I made the "bad choice". How was I to know my life would take this path? You can't beat yourself up over these things. I think those sayings are meant to make us feel better, but in my experience, everyone's different with their regrets. Personally, I regret some bad choices, and I also have regrets about chances I wish I had taken. That's life - all we can do is move forward. Good luck with your decision - I wish you the best.
posted by FireFountain at 11:19 AM on September 16, 2014 [3 favorites]
posted by FireFountain at 11:19 AM on September 16, 2014 [3 favorites]
Note that satisfaction or regret over a decision is always made in hindsight, based on the outcomes that actually transpired.
All people can tell you is how their decisions worked out for them, even so, with minor changes in timing or behaviour those same decisions might have had different outcomes. And as bleep says, all decisions have their own unpredictable outcomes. So trying to be guided or inspired by fortune cookie quotes or even other people's experience seems foolish. What worked for them may not work for you and vice versa. Or perhaps not.
So, evaluate your present situation for what it actually is, now. Decide as best you can the pros and cons, risks and benefits of divorcing vs staying married then make as balanced and unemotional a decision as you can. Having made your decision, deal with what happens.
posted by epo at 11:19 AM on September 16, 2014
All people can tell you is how their decisions worked out for them, even so, with minor changes in timing or behaviour those same decisions might have had different outcomes. And as bleep says, all decisions have their own unpredictable outcomes. So trying to be guided or inspired by fortune cookie quotes or even other people's experience seems foolish. What worked for them may not work for you and vice versa. Or perhaps not.
So, evaluate your present situation for what it actually is, now. Decide as best you can the pros and cons, risks and benefits of divorcing vs staying married then make as balanced and unemotional a decision as you can. Having made your decision, deal with what happens.
posted by epo at 11:19 AM on September 16, 2014
Best answer: in my view, it is not possible to know if you regret what you didn't do because there is no way to know the outcome if you didn't do it. i wouldn't spend too much time pondering quotes, i would take a long hard look at yourself. WHY have you not taken choices? WHAT are the difficult outcomes you foresee? do you have a support network? You have to think about what is important to you and those around you. I prefer not to go into my personal situation here but i am also recently divorced and i can sum up my thoughts as such:
there is no way to know how you will feel afterwards. divorce is a learning experience, mostly about yourself. it is a DIFFICULT process and MUCH more difficult than i ever thought it would be, even though it was my choice (and i was madly in love with someone else). there is COMFORT and SECURITY in most marital situations (barring abuse of course) and it is difficult to let these go. you will lose certain friends and it will take about 3 years to get new ones. (i've just started the process, it's long). financially it's difficult. if you have children, i will tell you, even though my daughter is very well adjusted and our divorce was simple and painless, she will live forever with divorced parents. i regret having to do this to her.
so, even for us risky people (i'm a risk taker), it is difficult. very, very difficult.
posted by poots at 11:46 AM on September 16, 2014
there is no way to know how you will feel afterwards. divorce is a learning experience, mostly about yourself. it is a DIFFICULT process and MUCH more difficult than i ever thought it would be, even though it was my choice (and i was madly in love with someone else). there is COMFORT and SECURITY in most marital situations (barring abuse of course) and it is difficult to let these go. you will lose certain friends and it will take about 3 years to get new ones. (i've just started the process, it's long). financially it's difficult. if you have children, i will tell you, even though my daughter is very well adjusted and our divorce was simple and painless, she will live forever with divorced parents. i regret having to do this to her.
so, even for us risky people (i'm a risk taker), it is difficult. very, very difficult.
posted by poots at 11:46 AM on September 16, 2014
I deeply appreciate your situation, since in some areas of my life my level of risk tolerance is especially low. In those cases, I gather my data, consider different angles and then jump.
OR.... I chose to Not Jump, and then I don't let myself re-question whether I ought to jump unless new information comes up.
I noticed this is the 3rd "should I / shouldn't I?" question in regards to divorce, and that your husband is ok but not great, and that it was basically an arranged marriage. Are there other risks you could take - like bringing him to couples therapy or simply telling him you need something different? Can you break the risks up into littler risks? Risk of talking to a divorce lawyer. Risk of a trial separation. Risk of couples counseling.
Maybe the biggest risk here is step #1: talk to your husband?
posted by St. Peepsburg at 12:09 PM on September 16, 2014 [3 favorites]
OR.... I chose to Not Jump, and then I don't let myself re-question whether I ought to jump unless new information comes up.
I noticed this is the 3rd "should I / shouldn't I?" question in regards to divorce, and that your husband is ok but not great, and that it was basically an arranged marriage. Are there other risks you could take - like bringing him to couples therapy or simply telling him you need something different? Can you break the risks up into littler risks? Risk of talking to a divorce lawyer. Risk of a trial separation. Risk of couples counseling.
Maybe the biggest risk here is step #1: talk to your husband?
posted by St. Peepsburg at 12:09 PM on September 16, 2014 [3 favorites]
Poignant question. The first time I took a real risk was leaving a marriage and filing for divorce under the worst possible circumstances; looking back, I am always astonished and grateful to my younger self for daring to do it. Ideally it takes a lot of self-awareness, observation and reflection to get it right, but I acted only on instinct. My regrets are related to the unskilled way that I went about it, and the many trials and errors it's taken to develop some skills and insight: the unkindnesses that I've doled out for lack of insight and skill. Decades later, still working on it, but happy to have often had the chance to, to some degree, make it up to people.
There was a good podcast about regrets recently on TAL or RadioLab, but the closest I could come to retrieving it was this TED talk.
posted by mmiddle at 12:44 PM on September 16, 2014
There was a good podcast about regrets recently on TAL or RadioLab, but the closest I could come to retrieving it was this TED talk.
posted by mmiddle at 12:44 PM on September 16, 2014
I am 50+. When I look back on my life, I really do not regret the actions I took. I would do some things differently, but I do not rue my choices of action. I do second guess some of the decisions to not act, the missed opportunities and not kissing Jessica K in 12th grade.
My advice is to make the decision based on the merits and not worry about what future self thinks.
posted by 724A at 1:02 PM on September 16, 2014
My advice is to make the decision based on the merits and not worry about what future self thinks.
posted by 724A at 1:02 PM on September 16, 2014
I regret tons of stuff in my life. I totally should have picked a different high school, a different career, should not have wasted three years on a guy who used me as his beard. But then I say to myself, "Looking back, there's no way in hell I would have made a different choice at that moment, because I'm stubborn, so what can I do? I'm just an idiot, I guess. Life is kind of random that way."
posted by Melismata at 1:20 PM on September 16, 2014 [1 favorite]
posted by Melismata at 1:20 PM on September 16, 2014 [1 favorite]
Best answer: I think when people say they regret none of their decisions, it doesn't mean that all of their decisions were good or had favorable outcomes. It means that upon reflection, they learned from all their decisions and became the person they are through some of their mistakes and bad decisions.
As long as we are alive, we must act and make decisions. Inevitably, some of these will be "bad". But if we are self-aware, we learn from the bad decisions and become wiser and hopefully better people. The alternative is to only make 100% safe decisions or live a totally passive life. That leads to depression and fear.
You can't fear mistakes; they are necessary to live and grow. Part of the reason we can recognize regrets is because we have learned from them.
Often the act of making a decision to change something is the best thing, because you are moving forward (even if the decision brings an unfavorable outcome later). Once you realize a decision is a mistake, you can make another one. It's what life is all about.
posted by bearette at 1:32 PM on September 16, 2014 [1 favorite]
As long as we are alive, we must act and make decisions. Inevitably, some of these will be "bad". But if we are self-aware, we learn from the bad decisions and become wiser and hopefully better people. The alternative is to only make 100% safe decisions or live a totally passive life. That leads to depression and fear.
You can't fear mistakes; they are necessary to live and grow. Part of the reason we can recognize regrets is because we have learned from them.
Often the act of making a decision to change something is the best thing, because you are moving forward (even if the decision brings an unfavorable outcome later). Once you realize a decision is a mistake, you can make another one. It's what life is all about.
posted by bearette at 1:32 PM on September 16, 2014 [1 favorite]
Just in case you're taking a poll, for what it's worth, I have regretted more things I did than things I didn't do. Yet for most people, life works out okay either way, so even though I wish I hadn't married, gone to grad school, had kids, etc., I'm not spending my days grieving those choices either.
As others have said, you shouldn't let aphorisms factor into your decision-making here; think it through logically.
posted by metasarah at 1:50 PM on September 16, 2014
As others have said, you shouldn't let aphorisms factor into your decision-making here; think it through logically.
posted by metasarah at 1:50 PM on September 16, 2014
Response by poster: Thank you for all the responses so far; they have definitely been helpful. To be clear, I'm certainly not making such a huge life decision based on a couple of quotes. I just find they give me some strength on my dark days and remind me of why I'm considering this.
For those who mentioned the original decision to get married - it WAS basically an arranged marriage, and I had no real choice in the matter. I also lived a very sheltered life prior to and after getting married. So aside from the decision to have kids, this is the first major life decision I'll be making on my own.
posted by puppet du sock at 2:03 PM on September 16, 2014 [1 favorite]
For those who mentioned the original decision to get married - it WAS basically an arranged marriage, and I had no real choice in the matter. I also lived a very sheltered life prior to and after getting married. So aside from the decision to have kids, this is the first major life decision I'll be making on my own.
posted by puppet du sock at 2:03 PM on September 16, 2014 [1 favorite]
Best answer: I think (without preview) the conventional wisdom on the green tends to be that regret over path not taken isn't so different than any other type of regret.
Lately I fall back on this aphorism instead:
"You rarely have time for everything you want in this life, so you need to make choices. And hopefully your choices can come from a deep sense of who you are." -Fred Rogers
Will you regret this? Of course. Every decision comes with an opportunity cost. The question is whether the decision you makes coincides with the person you most want to be. Then the opportunity cost is bearable.
/soapbox good luck with whatever path you decide.
posted by ista at 2:10 PM on September 16, 2014 [1 favorite]
Lately I fall back on this aphorism instead:
"You rarely have time for everything you want in this life, so you need to make choices. And hopefully your choices can come from a deep sense of who you are." -Fred Rogers
Will you regret this? Of course. Every decision comes with an opportunity cost. The question is whether the decision you makes coincides with the person you most want to be. Then the opportunity cost is bearable.
/soapbox good luck with whatever path you decide.
posted by ista at 2:10 PM on September 16, 2014 [1 favorite]
If you're inclined to be impulsive, then you're probably going to regret more things you do than things you don't do. If you're inclined to be anxious and avoidant, you're going to regret more things you don't do than things you do. Most people are going to have at least a few of both. Regret is thankfully nonfatal. I have lots of things I regret, but I generally only do so when my life is being cruddy for completely unrelated reasons.
posted by Sequence at 3:10 PM on September 16, 2014 [6 favorites]
posted by Sequence at 3:10 PM on September 16, 2014 [6 favorites]
Do your due diligence, and then act.
All things being equal, I'll do what I think will contribute most to my happiness.
Divorce is one of those things that will have both good and bad days, but you know in your heart if it's the right thing for you. If you're ready, then divorce and start your new life. Some days it will be hard. You'll view your current state in a hazy glow. It wasn't so terrible... And then there will be amazing days. You'll got days and realize that you don't have anyone to please but yourself, and that tense feeling in your shoulders will be gone.
You can take care of yourself and your family without your spouse. So based on that information, what do you WANT to do?
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 4:37 PM on September 16, 2014
All things being equal, I'll do what I think will contribute most to my happiness.
Divorce is one of those things that will have both good and bad days, but you know in your heart if it's the right thing for you. If you're ready, then divorce and start your new life. Some days it will be hard. You'll view your current state in a hazy glow. It wasn't so terrible... And then there will be amazing days. You'll got days and realize that you don't have anyone to please but yourself, and that tense feeling in your shoulders will be gone.
You can take care of yourself and your family without your spouse. So based on that information, what do you WANT to do?
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 4:37 PM on September 16, 2014
In my personal experience, those sayings are utter nonsense. I regret PUH-LENTY of things I've done just as much as things I haven't done.
posted by The Underpants Monster at 5:15 PM on September 16, 2014
posted by The Underpants Monster at 5:15 PM on September 16, 2014
Best answer: I don't hold much with regret. Maybe this is because I am pretty talented at beating up on myself in lots of other ways, so I don't really need to use the regret stick. I have made some pretty crappy decisions and made some pretty phenomenally stupid mistakes. But I don't regret them. I wouldn't be the person I am now if I hadn't made them, and I've learned from most of my decisions, good or bad.
I made a whole bunch of bad decisions around the time I split up with my partner of 13 years. I was worried I wouldn't be able to afford to live on my own, that I was making the wrong decision, etc etc etc. I won't kid you, there were some tough times. I had to borrow money from friends. I had to learn to do all kinds of near-terrifying things that my partner had previously done (firmly disagree with utility companies; research and sign up for contracts that were scarily long-term and involved what seemed like vast sums of money). But I paid my friends back. I won some arguments, lost some. It turned out okay. And at some point in there, I realised how much of life I had not been experiencing, how little in charge of my own life I'd been, and how much I was now. It was fantastic. Hard work, yes, but with something so amazing to show for it!
Do I regret the years I spent dependent on my ex? Nope. I'm glad I stopped though! Anything you do means there are other things you are not doing. Life is too short to waste on regretting all of the things you can't do. Do what seems best for you, even if it's scary or you're not sure how it will work out. Jump in, both feet, and give it everything. Know that there are times to hold back and wait as well.
And for a bit of perspective: I am not one of those everything will be ok optimists. I have depression and if anything should be really inclined towards beating myself up for all the things I did wrong. And yet: no regrets.
Good luck. And if you want some more inspiration, I found this song very helpful during my split-up all those years ago.
posted by Athanassiel at 7:29 PM on September 16, 2014 [1 favorite]
I made a whole bunch of bad decisions around the time I split up with my partner of 13 years. I was worried I wouldn't be able to afford to live on my own, that I was making the wrong decision, etc etc etc. I won't kid you, there were some tough times. I had to borrow money from friends. I had to learn to do all kinds of near-terrifying things that my partner had previously done (firmly disagree with utility companies; research and sign up for contracts that were scarily long-term and involved what seemed like vast sums of money). But I paid my friends back. I won some arguments, lost some. It turned out okay. And at some point in there, I realised how much of life I had not been experiencing, how little in charge of my own life I'd been, and how much I was now. It was fantastic. Hard work, yes, but with something so amazing to show for it!
Do I regret the years I spent dependent on my ex? Nope. I'm glad I stopped though! Anything you do means there are other things you are not doing. Life is too short to waste on regretting all of the things you can't do. Do what seems best for you, even if it's scary or you're not sure how it will work out. Jump in, both feet, and give it everything. Know that there are times to hold back and wait as well.
And for a bit of perspective: I am not one of those everything will be ok optimists. I have depression and if anything should be really inclined towards beating myself up for all the things I did wrong. And yet: no regrets.
Good luck. And if you want some more inspiration, I found this song very helpful during my split-up all those years ago.
posted by Athanassiel at 7:29 PM on September 16, 2014 [1 favorite]
I once got involved with the girlfriend of a good friend of mine. I thought I was pursuing true love. In the end things didn't work out between me and the woman, and the good friend is no longer a friend at all. I don't dwell on it, but I regret what I did very much.
It's not fair to focus on your own learning experience when other people are being hurt by your choices.
posted by parkin at 4:12 AM on September 17, 2014
It's not fair to focus on your own learning experience when other people are being hurt by your choices.
posted by parkin at 4:12 AM on September 17, 2014
Best answer: For those who mentioned the original decision to get married - it WAS basically an arranged marriage, and I had no real choice in the matter. I also lived a very sheltered life prior to and after getting married. So aside from the decision to have kids, this is the first major life decision I'll be making on my own.
Until I saw this from you OP I wasn't going to add anything to great advice here. However, I know I can bring something to the table that perhaps others may not be able to. And that is the experience of making the decision to divorce in the context of an arranged marriage.
If you are of the mind to divorce, you will not regret teh decision. Yes, it will be hard. Harder than you can imagine, but if you ask yourself this, as you move forward with the decision, whether *this* (the marriage) is what you signed up for, for this one life we have on earth, and you gave it your best shot, and there is nothing left there to build upon or go further with, then move forward with the knowledge that you may regret many things but you cannot regret a decision that finally empowers you to begin the process of choosing to become your very own person.
Because that value and that outcome is inevitable, no matter what you choose. Since its the act of choosing and the act of deciding that are the impetus setting you on the path to individualisation.
If that's the path you want to move forward on, and those are the changes to your self that you wish to see, then make your decision. Regardless of what you decide. YOU are deciding.
Do you see what I mean?
You are already changing.
posted by infini at 8:29 AM on September 17, 2014 [2 favorites]
Until I saw this from you OP I wasn't going to add anything to great advice here. However, I know I can bring something to the table that perhaps others may not be able to. And that is the experience of making the decision to divorce in the context of an arranged marriage.
If you are of the mind to divorce, you will not regret teh decision. Yes, it will be hard. Harder than you can imagine, but if you ask yourself this, as you move forward with the decision, whether *this* (the marriage) is what you signed up for, for this one life we have on earth, and you gave it your best shot, and there is nothing left there to build upon or go further with, then move forward with the knowledge that you may regret many things but you cannot regret a decision that finally empowers you to begin the process of choosing to become your very own person.
Because that value and that outcome is inevitable, no matter what you choose. Since its the act of choosing and the act of deciding that are the impetus setting you on the path to individualisation.
If that's the path you want to move forward on, and those are the changes to your self that you wish to see, then make your decision. Regardless of what you decide. YOU are deciding.
Do you see what I mean?
You are already changing.
posted by infini at 8:29 AM on September 17, 2014 [2 favorites]
Autonomy. That's the word I was looking for. That's your real decision. (now that I've gone through your questions)
Being responsible for your decisions. For your actions. For the consequences. etc etc
posted by infini at 8:34 AM on September 17, 2014
Being responsible for your decisions. For your actions. For the consequences. etc etc
posted by infini at 8:34 AM on September 17, 2014
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by steinwald at 10:31 AM on September 16, 2014 [6 favorites]