What if it's not ADHD, bipolar, depression, or anxiety? What if I just am not made for this stupid cubicle, 401k, 9-5 crap? I know that many people do it and that sometimes you have to suck it up, but when I keep having freak outs and get more and more depressed and meds don't help and i just feel like i am fighting myself all the time, isn't it time to try a new plan?
posted by inmyhead to Grab Bag (37 answers total) 44 users marked this as a favorite
After suffering from unexplainable bouts of depression, fatigue, and cognitive difficulties, that have been increasing over the past few years, I saw an MS specialist this morning. My new psychiatrist wanted to rule out MS, since meds for ADHD, anxiety, and depression only work for a few weeks for me and then stop working completely.
After all the testing, the MS doctor was asking me about school and what I do. I told him about how I went to state school because I couldn’t afford to go anywhere else. I hate my current job, and most jobs, because I am in a cubicle all day. He said, “If you could do anything, what would you do?” And I was very quiet for a long moment and got very very sad, thinking of the things I have wanted to do. I said, “Well, I’d be an archeologist, or work in a museum. But I couldn’t afford to go to school for that. I couldn’t move away to go to school because my dad died and the state school didn’t offer programs in archeology or art history.” He said, “well you have a degree, you can do anything.”
I have been trying to not cry since, and this was over an hour ago. I actually have been crying. I feel like such a fraud, like I am living such a lie, everyday when I go to work. I can’t do these stupid jobs, with spreadsheets and fluorescent lighting and everyday same hours same desk same computer. I need medication to do these jobs and the medications don’t work.
What do I want to do? If I could do anything, I would be digging up dinosaur bones and ancient cities. But I’m always told about how I need to have retirement and medical insurance and savings, and I feel like all I do all day is spend time going to and from a job where I sit all freaking day doing stupid shit I don’t care about (but doing it well enough that I get great reviews), and then I get home and then I have to do dishes and pick up the house and do laundry and cook stuff, and if there’s time left after all that, maybe I have time to write, or play music, or go to a bar to see some friends and hear music, but it’s too late by that point, because I know that I need to get to bed by 11 so I can get up the next day because I can’t pull late nights like I used to.
I can’t believe that this is what I worked my ass off for 5 years while working full time and going to school full time. I have always been happiest doing research or investigating stuff. I spent a summer out west when I sort of ran away from home and lived in a van and went to all sorts of ghost towns and I loved it. I found all these neat pieces of dishware, some with markings on it of the manufacturer (which I have looked up, how cool, right?) , and old pieces of fabric. It was so neat to see the old sidewalks and foundations and to think how they must have lived.
I still have the first book I ever got about egpyt – it was about mummies and I still read it occasionally even though it’s a kid’s book. I loved my art history classes, especially the ones that focused on the ancient civs. My art history prof used to say the most awesome things, like “when I lived in a mud brick house on Crete during my dissertation” or talk about how she met some of the big wigs of the blackmarket artifact trade.
I guess being an art history prof would be the most practical realization of my dreams, but everyone tells me it’s such a hard field to get into, that it doesn’t pay well, and that with tenure going away at most universities, I’m going to be screwed.
I feel that I have constantly tried to follow the rules of the game to be a responsible person and to make my loved ones happy. And they say they want me to be happy and do what I want, but I feel like I have to choose between making them happy and making myself happy. I am not satisfied.
I want to explore, whether it be the past or present or future. I went to see an Imax movie about the Hubble. It was in 3-D and at times, it was literally like going thru space on a space ship. Tears were just streaming down my face as I realized that it was as close to space travel as I will ever get.
I feel that I am trying to package myself into places and ideas that I don’t fit into. The responsible people always tell me that I am just trying to run away, to not be a responsible adult, that I need to plan for my future. What future?
I am so depressed and so unhappy and so unsatisfied with my life. But changes take money, which I don’t have. I have $40,000 in student loans from undergrad. If I want to go to grad school, we’re looking at a whole bunch more. I am 32 now. I just want to scream and run off into the sunset.
If money were no object, I'd travel the world and write history books and historical fiction. I have never written a book, but I've written lots of papers. I absolutely loved writing my art history papers.
I don't know if I need a degree in art history or history or an MFA, or what. But I need a something that is not what I have now. I am quite literally going crazy.
This is a sockpuppet so I that I can answer. Yes I’m in therapy. My new psychiatrist is awesome, i see him tomorrow. he is not about pills but trying to find what may be the cause of the things and not jumping at the current fad diagnosis. my therapist is ok, but i can't get into see her until next week.