I need to start my life without worrying so much about the consequences of my decisions

April 1, 2009 1:20 AM

I'm afraid of making big decisions in my life because I worry too much on what other people will think of me and I feel it will close to many other doors ...(long)

I am a 21 year old female who will be finishing community college this summer. I purposely put off applying to any universities for this upcoming fall because school is NOT helping me figure out my life right now. So that I will not be wasting money on a degree that I don't love, I want to take the time off to find the real me. I have less than a year to discover who I am to become until I apply to college for next fall. I have to make decisions on what I should do. I am so afraid that anything I decide to do will jeopardize any future plans.

I'm broke and I have no money to travel. I have personally traveled around the world many times with my family so I think traveling would not help me decide on what to do with my life. It would seem to be more like running away from life rather than making something happen. I am desperately wanting to do something, anything in the real world. The future seems bleak because of the economy and the status of the job market.

I have thought of joining the americorps...but I have already volunteered extensively and I don't think this experience would help me because I have done it so many times before. It does not give me as much satisfaction as it did before.

I enjoy the cultural aspects of life, the things that makes us human. Social psychology, cultural anthropology, history and so forth.... Its what I am passionate about. International relations? I am not quite as interested in the political aspects of other countries. I don't want to teach but I want to help people. Counseling seems interesting to me but I would feel stuck in an office.

Most of my career dreams involve traveling and meeting people. I thrive on adventure. Yet, I am kind of shy around new people and I am terrified on being on my own as a female in such a male dominated world. I love my family and friends so it is hard to take the initiative to do anything with travel. Though I don't want to have a job where I am gone all the time at least not when I am 50 years old. I want to be home and available for my future husband and kids.

How do I get over this fear and actually start something in my life without worrying so much about what other people think? What should I do with my time, if anything?

posted by mind2body to human relations (15 comments total)

I think it may be beneficial for you to look into an intentional community where you can find like-minded people as yourself, where you can choose the optimal lifestyle that suits your needs and personality and where you can make a contribution to the collective via work and your own particular gifts. Check out http://www.ic.org
posted by watercarrier at 1:29 AM on April 1 [1 favorite has favorites]

Many, many people come upon a moment in their lives where they realize that they need to decide to "do" something and "become" someone. And then it quickly hits them that they haven't a clue where to start.

The pressure on making the right decision the first time is amplified because of the time commitments necessary to achieve any goal you set out to achieve. You don't want to have this crisis of character three years into a four year program if it can at all be avoided. But sometimes it can't, and that's not the end of the world. You keep going, and you find what else might work. So let's get that out there, front and center: if you make a mistake at this stage, or any point along the way, you can still start over and try again, despite how unlikely that feels.

Now, identifying who you want to become and what you want to be is a challenge that we all grow into. Most of us would prefer we not stop growing in that regard. I've run a business in some form or another that deals with web technology for some time now. I began college, even though I was running a basic form of the business, but I hated it. I hated the structure, the seemingly pointless general studies, and the rigidity. I love learning, but college wasn't for me. So I did the unthinkable: I dropped out.

I've been asked many, many times if I plan on going back. Clearly, I've made some rash mistake, albeit temporary, and I'll get around to remedying it soon enough. In fact, no, I have no desire or aim to ever return. I need not spend $10,000+ for a piece of paper saying I had the patience to piss four years of my life away "learning". In reality, I've learned far more by becoming independently well read and by running a business and traveling than I ever could in school. My field doesn't require a "degree" so I'm fortunate.

But when I pulled the trigger, you have to understand the gravity of the decision. My parents were dyed-in-the-wool, you-must-go-to-college types. I fought long and hard and finally convinced them that I was better of hitting the ground running and working outright, and that I'd be successful in any event, because I have the drive, tenacity, and personality to break out and do what I want to do. It was still a harrowing, terrifying experience, and it's not something for everyone. Hell, it's hardly something for most people at a stretch.

My point in telling that story is that there's a rigid complex whose harsh light you're finding yourself under. You feel under pressure to determine who you are, to hatch a game plan, and to instantly hope to fall in love with it. You're also experiencing what we call analysis paralysis—you're terrified to move in any direction because it could be the wrong one, so you'd rather fail by doing nothing at all than by failing outright. (True that may be a bit more dire than where you're actually at, but this is the reality setting in if you don't change course.)

Sometimes you just need to pull the trigger. Sometimes, you just need to dive into something and make your own opportunity and not have everything planned out.

Look at your passions and determine what sort of person you could be, such that you'd be happy with your career and with your lifestyle, and fulfilled in general. You mention an interest in psychology and counseling. So consider starting there. The mere act of pulling that trigger will expose you to other courses, other paths, other opportunities, and plenty of things you simply would never have considered if you hadn't started somewhere.

This whole "who will I become" thing is an evolutionary process. We don't get to map everything out and hit "play". Instead, we have to take a bunch of tiny leaps, survey what opportunities lie ahead, weigh their pros and cons, and then take another leap, even if it's a hard decision and even if we're never 100% sure it's what's right.

You want adventure? Look into a job with the State department. Despite your lack of interest in politics with other countries, you can find plenty of opportunities to meet new people, impact lives, and learn a great deal.

Worried that counseling will leave you "stuck in an office"? What about counseling for a prison system or high school?

You're being entirely too narrow-minded. You're building elaborate futures for yourself on paths that you've written off simply because a small aspect doesn't appeal to you. You're closing off your very own future because you think you might not like the bank of one of the curves up ahead. You need to stop painting in such broad strokes, and stop trying to plan an entire lifetime outright. And start somewhere. Pick something that really interests you. Try it out. Evaluate your progress and your interest level. And all the time, explore what opportunities await you down each path.

Don't worry about the economy or job market. These things will be cleared up, in one form or another, soon enough. The large machine that is our society will keep grinding. It's just another excuse right now to feed your paralysis, so drop that outright.

Finally, recognize for one brief moment that everyone is absolutely terrified of some aspect of these decisions at some point in their life. We just do it anyway, and see where we land. *THAT's* adventure. And it can be done responsibly, and it can be done without knowing how everything will end up. You need to take a leap, start somewhere, and feel a little more confident about your ability to overcome diversity and tough situations and to power through.

Life throws things at us. You can make do or you can make a difference, but it's entirely up to you which person you want to be, and no one here can flip that switch for you. Instead, you just have to jump. Millions of people do it, and we all do alright. Few of us had a grand master plan when we started, many of us made mistakes and had to spend a few more years figuring things out. But we did it, and we learned from it, and we became better for it, just as you will, if only you just take that leap and stop worrying so much!

Good luck and godspeed.
posted by disillusioned at 1:46 AM on April 1 [7 favorites has favorites]

Hey, first off, I want to say, congratulations for getting to this realization. Many people don't. I'm a female in my early 20s and I completely empathize.

Disillusioned's answer is great. I just wanted to comment on one part of your question. You stated that you've travelled with your family many times around the world and you don't think that it would help at all. I must disagree. As someone who's travelled with her family (to many countries and several continents) and who is living abroad--the two are VERY, VERY different. This is JUST my philosophical take on it, and I am by no means a Jedi master: but to me, the ultimate reality of existence is, in the words of Jackson Browne: in the end, there's one dance you'll do alone. It's hard to realize, that, at the end of the day, it's just you. Wherever you go, there you are. One day our parents will no longer be there for us, we will have spats with our friends, we will be single--but *you* have to be accountable for *you*.

Of course, interact with society! Have friends! Date! Love! By no means am I discounting these things. I'm simply saying, it comes down to you. Think of your life as inverted triangle, and you're the pinnacle holding everything else up, because YOU'RE making the decisions, YOU'RE calling the shots. And nowhere do you realize this like you do abroad. I lost my wallet here! I think I grew 5 years older in that one day. In a culture (and language) not your own, you just get an amount of perspective that you just would not have otherwise. You're responsible for making EVERYTHING in your life happen---getting a cellphone, finding a place to live, setting up internet access, having to call and cancel a bill, all sorts of tiny decisions. Eventually, it just becomes an old hat, and you realize--hey, I can make a life for myself. I make good decisions. I can handle difficult things. I highly recommend an abroad experience. The State Department is a great idea, as disillusion mentioned.

I'm sensing a lot of defeatism in your post: "already volunteered extensively," "stuck in an office," "future seems bleak," "terrified being on my own as a female," etc. You remind me of the friends I have---smarter girls than me, can cream me on a standardized test ANY day, brilliant, lovable, funny--who never achieve their dreams because they see mountains standing in their way, when there are none. Who wouldn't apply to that awesome college that'd totally accept her, because she was a great writer, female, wanted to be an engineering major, had a 2330 SAT / 33 ACT score, with a great personality, because she just saw obstacles everywhere, ended up applying way too late and missed the deadline. High walls do not a prison make, nor iron bars a cage. You're seeing a cage because you want to, for some reason. Fear? A feeling of inadequacy? That statement from The Matrix: "there is no spoon," has a lot of truth to it. Much of life is perception.

I wish you the very best of luck :-)
posted by Dukat at 2:39 AM on April 1 [9 favorites has favorites]

First of all, don't lose your head or act like it's the end of the world. Keep your cool. Think methodically, think rationally.

For instance, don't worry about the economy or the job market when you don't even know what career you want.

Invest $19.95 to take the JVIS if you want some career direction.

Remember -- think. rationally. Focus on the here and now. Deal with the uncertainty of life with clear and precise thinking.

You want to start something in your life? The answer then is to just start something in your life. Don't be afraid to have some conviction. Trust your curiosity and your interests. If there is something that you want to be or to have... then that is OK. There is probably a way to get there. Find it. Step up to it.

But there is a trick. "Making it" is probably not going to be pretty. There is going to be trial and error involved. You are going to make mistakes.

If you think you are just going to be able to plan out your whole life and nothing is ever going to wrong... let me tell you, that kind of thinking is just plain wrong. It's precisely the kind of thinking that keeps people stuck and afraid.

Don't get down on yourself for making mistakes. If you are seeking to better your life, then trial-and-error/experimentation is the path. Everyone who has ever done anything interesting with their life has had to do it!
posted by Theloupgarou at 3:40 AM on April 1 [1 favorite has favorites]

Life isn't a timeline. There isn't a gantt chart that dictates that you should find some "direction" in the latter half of you 21st year.

In my opinion (and I have a lot) of the best experiences and directions comes from interactions with people- and not the sort of people you would ordinarily associate with. This doesn't mean that you need t be throwing boxes of bottled water from the back of a UN truck in the Congo, nor from discovering hash in a bar with three crazy Italians in a bar in Amsterdam.

Relax. Working in just a normal job with a wage, sharing public transport, office gossip- all the day to day interactions that make up life are happening all the time, and most of them are incredibly instructive, and will start to layer experience onto you.

Finish college, travel, do what you want, but nothing is a dead end.

Life is vast, truly vast, and you will never catch up with all it has to offer, and you will always have a feeling of being unfulfilled- because you are intelligent (my god, I would hate to think- well that's it, there is no more for me to discover).

Life will always deal you unexpected turns, and the great thing is that you don't really need to go off seeking some direction.

Cheers
posted by mattoxic at 3:46 AM on April 1 [1 favorite has favorites]

Hi mind2body,

I don't have too much to say. I'm embarrassed to mention that I haven't read the preceding replies. Nevertheless:

Choose anything! Please please please take me seriously. Our greatest pleasures and successes in life come not from choosing the BEST option but from choosing ANY option and making the best of it!

I should mention- your estimation of how important this is is extremely inflated. I don't mean to be a jerk, but I promise that no matter what, you will come out of this on top. Please don't fall victim to the fallacy that you can maximize your own happiness by making the right decisions, or the idea that you should give a S*** what other people think. Just go with what feels right and things will work themselves out.

I cannot overestimate how unimportant it is that you pick the "perfect" position.

RM
posted by Raptormeat at 4:01 AM on April 1 [1 favorite has favorites]

You need to stop worrying. Nobody here or anywhere else can tell you what to do, and you are unlikely to have an epiphany on the doorstep of your college as you leave this summer. Very few people have their life mapped out conclusively at the age of 21 and the only thing for it is to remain receptive to ideas, read a lot, think a lot, work and wait. The state you seem to be in right now, anxiously questioning and worrying, is not helpful.

So what now? You needn't rush into a commitment like Americorps or extensive travel through desperation, but you can make yourself as ready as you can be for when you do make a decision. You are passionate about travel and adventure, where? Learn the language. Take up running, cycling or another sport. Join a class and meet people, learn, evaluate new ideas and avenues. Work on yourself and your skillset. Not only will you be better prepared for whatever life throws at you when you make a big decision, the time you devote to these activites means less time spent fretting about your future. You will find answers far easier to come by with a life as full and active as it can be and you may even find that your future resolves itself without you standing over it.
posted by fire&wings at 4:49 AM on April 1

I agree very much with all the other answers here. Life is meant to be experienced in real-time, what fun is there if you already know what's going to happen? It's why people abhor spoilers so much. I went to college "knowing" that I wanted to go to medical school; one B.A., several months living abroad, and three years in the job market doing quite well in a field I never thought I'd work in has brought me to law school and the prospect of working in a field I'm very passionate about. A field, mind you, that I hadn't even considered when I was 21. And as a law student, I've been told that I'll probably continue to change my mind as my career develops, so take that for what it's worth.

If you're still a bit antsy about "pulling the trigger" on something that seems daunting, I highly recommend the BUNAC work-abroad program as a temporary solution. I know you said you don't really want to travel, but the advantage of this program is that you don't need as much money saved up as if you wanted to just backpack, and it gets you a work visa in the former-British Commonwealth country of your choice so you have an opportunity to fund your experience. The experience of living and working (vs. backpacking/volunteering) in another country is another animal altogether.

Try not to worry so much. I majored in anthropology in college and loved every second of it.
posted by mishamashes at 4:51 AM on April 1

Let's dissect your answer a bit.

"I am a 21 year old female who will be finishing community college this summer. I purposely put off applying to any universities for this upcoming fall because school is NOT helping me figure out my life right now. So that I will not be wasting money on a degree that I don't love, I want to take the time off to find the real me. I have less than a year to discover who I am to become until I apply to college for next fall. I have to make decisions on what I should do. I am so afraid that anything I decide to do will jeopardize any future plans."

Start now. Apply logic in figuring out what the consequences of your actions are. Gain control over your fears.

"I'm broke and I have no money to travel. I have personally traveled around the world many times with my family so I think traveling would not help me decide on what to do with my life. It would seem to be more like running away from life rather than making something happen. I am desperately wanting to do something, anything in the real world. The future seems bleak because of the economy and the status of the job market."

Works for different people. Exercise your independence in some way. If you find out how to get a job in this shitty economy, let me know.

"I enjoy the cultural aspects of life, the things that makes us human. Social psychology, cultural anthropology, history and so forth.... Its what I am passionate about. International relations? I am not quite as interested in the political aspects of other countries. I don't want to teach but I want to help people. Counseling seems interesting to me but I would feel stuck in an office."

You're going to have to be in a 4-year school for this - research? Get into academia. Sure, the money's tight right now, but do what you love.

"Most of my career dreams involve traveling and meeting people. I thrive on adventure. Yet, I am kind of shy around new people and I am terrified on being on my own as a female in such a male dominated world. I love my family and friends so it is hard to take the initiative to do anything with travel. Though I don't want to have a job where I am gone all the time at least not when I am 50 years old. I want to be home and available for my future husband and kids."

This is the 21st century; any man who can't treat you as an equal is an asshole. The world isn't as 'male-dominated' as you think, and plenty of women live on their own, are assertive and strong enough to carve out their niches forcefully, and frankly, the only time you should be worrying about sexism is when some asshat is trying to stand in the way of what you want, and the best response to that is an assertive one in which you take no shit, whether that means going to HR or telling him to grow a set of gonads or finding another of the same job under someone who is not an asshole.

Travel emphatically does not mean you're leaving your friends and family behind. Keep in contact with them. We have an intertubes for that. If you want to travel a lot, take your family along.

"How do I get over this fear and actually start something in my life without worrying so much about what other people think? What should I do with my time, if anything?"

Just do it. If you've got a deeper issue, get some therapy.
posted by kldickson at 5:02 AM on April 1

Life is not a serious of right and wrong decisions. It is a maze. The nice thing about this maze, however, is that there is not only one correct direction to the cheese - in fact -there is cheese everywhere!

I would not have wanted to hear this at 21, but here it is: you have absolutely no idea where your life is going. It's not something you can plan. You can have goals, true, but there are a million unforseen factors that can impact the outcome of achieving (or even pursuing) that goal. The important thing is to pick a direction! You can always turn around, and there is always cheese.

A previous poster was correct, you are in a valley right now looking at mountains that you are creating. I've spent decades looking at many of the same mountains, and quite frankly, they are only as big as you make them. My advice is to go mountain climbing! Pick something that you are unsure about, that scares you a little but seems enticing, and climb. At the end of your life, the only things that you are assured to regret are things you wanted to do but were too scared to attempt. With any luck at all, you have a long life ahead of you - don't let the fear of making a mistake keep you from living it.
posted by The Light Fantastic at 8:03 AM on April 1 [3 favorites has favorites]

When you say "what other people think," whom do you mean? Your parents? A set of friends? Barack Obama? People on AskMe? Editorial writers at the New York Times? Your seventh-grade teacher? Any of these are possible, but there's a specific person or small group of people at the bottom of anyone's "everybody" (the "everybody" being that entity which inevitably thinks what we're about to do is utter crap or a waste of time or evidence of our stupidity).

I started college fully intending to major in Russian and be an interpreter or work for the State Department. That lasted a full eight weeks after arriving on campus. In the past 20 years, I've been a teacher, a writer, an editor, a historian, a legislative employee, a business owner, a life coach, a project manager, and a few other things. About the only common thread has been that I love words and I love explaining complicated processes to people.

I tell you this about me as one of those "wish I'd known that" thoughts of my own: at 21, I believed that the decisions in front of me at that moment were going to define the rest of my life, right up to the grave. At 41, I look back and realize that I put myself (and those around me) through a lot of agony about doing the RIGHT THING, when anything would have sufficed as long as it was purposeful and it made my body feel light and free, unshackled by what Everybody expected me to do. (Everybody wanted me to teach high school English.)

Pick something - anything - to get over the walls you're building around yourself and who you might become. If it's the wrong thing, if it makes you feel compressed and tight after a while, do something else. Sometimes the strongest Everybody reaction to someone making a big change is "How dare you? I can't do that!" You're not everybody. Be you, and know that figuring out who you are is the entire point.
posted by catlet at 8:06 AM on April 1 [4 favorites has favorites]

Best advice my mom ever gave me was to not think of life as if you're an arrow being aimed by an archer and being shot toward a target. Instead, think of life as if you're trying to find an unknown building on a campus. You don't have to know the exact location of the destination when you start out. You can head generally in the right direction, and as you get closer, ask for directions again.
posted by salvia at 8:13 AM on April 1 [3 favorites has favorites]

For you, it sounds like you don't want to travel or volunteer, so maybe you want to get a job.

What about these? 1, 2, 3. (None are perfect, but I only looked for about three minutes.)
posted by salvia at 8:28 AM on April 1

Relax! Many people have mentioned on MeFi that undergrad degrees are not as important as you might think. Both having them and which one you have. Any education isn't a waste as long as you enjoyed learning it. Don't worry about choosing the wrong major for an undergrad, any major is very helpful and opens a lot of doors.

Life isn't a race. I took 3 years between me undergrad and master's. I don't regret this AT ALL. When I graduated from undergrad, if felt like I was falling off a cliff. I had no direction. Luckily, I didn't have a lot of pressure form my family and they helped me travel. You don't need as much money as you think, if you are ready to work. I used a Working Holiday Visa to work and life in the UK. It was easy to find work both over and under the table.

You seem to know you shouldn't be so frightened or nervous, time and experience will help lessen your worries. Think about what you might want to do and research it fully, so you can feel confident about going in that direction. Take an introduction class before enrolling in a program. Ask someone from an interesting profession to lunch and pick their brain. Arrange a job shadow or unofficial internship.

Best of Luck!
posted by Gor-ella at 9:26 AM on April 1

Take some time off from school and work some crappy (or, if you're really lucky, not so crappy) jobs for 2-3 years, have some fun, then revisit the question. Many, many things will pop up in the meantime, and some of those will set you on potential paths.
posted by coolguymichael at 1:36 PM on April 1