Reconcile me to singledom
September 13, 2014 10:42 PM Subscribe
Tell me, how does one give up on a desire that's been there since childhood - to be in a long-term healthy loving domestic relationship? How do you work out how to plan the rest of your life when the only person you're working for is you?
I've done all the right things that Metafilter (and other wise people) have suggested to partner up. It's not working. There may be reasons, but that's not pertinent here. What do you do, to stop aching for the bare expanse of shoulder in your bed?
Please stick to healthy permanently single ideas, books, websites, music, quotes, biographies, slideshows, philosphies...
I've done all the right things that Metafilter (and other wise people) have suggested to partner up. It's not working. There may be reasons, but that's not pertinent here. What do you do, to stop aching for the bare expanse of shoulder in your bed?
Please stick to healthy permanently single ideas, books, websites, music, quotes, biographies, slideshows, philosphies...
Best answer: Figure out what you like. Figure out what you want. Do those things.
I know that sounds glib. I don't mean it to be -- figuring out those things, let alone pursuing them, is really hard. But it's so worthwhile.
posted by jaguar at 11:21 PM on September 13, 2014 [9 favorites]
I know that sounds glib. I don't mean it to be -- figuring out those things, let alone pursuing them, is really hard. But it's so worthwhile.
posted by jaguar at 11:21 PM on September 13, 2014 [9 favorites]
Best answer: I've been single for a while now and I used to let it stop me from doing things. Certain things would be more fun with a partner and aren't things you can drag a friend along to. I want to travel and I don't have someone to do it with. I can't find a friend to incur the expense and time for something I'm deeply interested in that my friends aren't. So fuck it, I booked a trip for myself and I'm going to do it. I've had to wander alone in new cities before, often for work, and I've never looked back and wished I hadn't done it at all just because I didn't have someone with me. I'm going to experience the things I want to experience. And maybe it will be alone sometimes, but it's better than sitting in my apartment. Oh, there's a movie I'd like to see and I don't have someone to go with? Let me tell you, there is no more relaxing way to spend an afternoon than going to a matinee alone.
All of that is to say, I wouldn't let it inhibit you. Yes, as a woman by myself, I know I need to maybe (sadly) be a little more careful than I would be if I were with someone. But I'm still going to do the things I want. As for long-term life planning, I don't really know. It's not something I've thought about. But I might get a dog.
posted by AppleTurnover at 11:35 PM on September 13, 2014 [25 favorites]
All of that is to say, I wouldn't let it inhibit you. Yes, as a woman by myself, I know I need to maybe (sadly) be a little more careful than I would be if I were with someone. But I'm still going to do the things I want. As for long-term life planning, I don't really know. It's not something I've thought about. But I might get a dog.
posted by AppleTurnover at 11:35 PM on September 13, 2014 [25 favorites]
Best answer: Get a few friends with benefits situations going. Sex with a partner you know and like is still good, even if it's not in a long term relationship.
posted by fshgrl at 11:36 PM on September 13, 2014 [3 favorites]
posted by fshgrl at 11:36 PM on September 13, 2014 [3 favorites]
Best answer: Oh, I'm very sorry to read your question; you sound like you are in a lot of pain.
I don't think you should give up on this desire; it seems so important to you. Perhaps you may want to focus on other areas of your life, e.g., invest some of your energy into your career, volunteer work, or friends, if you are going through a tough patch. Take a break from dating, certainly. But working to extinguish a desire that has been with you since childhood? I don't know why you would want to do that unless your desire was for something bad or impossible. Many of us do yearn for things that are truly impossible, and it would be wise for us to try and rid ourselves of these desires. But being in a healthy relationship is not impossible for you, although it may be horribly, painfully difficult for you at this moment.
Of course, many people are very happy to be single, and they aren't missing anything in their lives. However, the people I know who fit this description are people who, for whatever reason, just don't have a strong desire for a long term romantic relationship or have many other things in their lives which are more important to them than being in a relationship. This does not seem to describe you.
Why try and permanently cut yourself off from something that is obviously so important to you?
posted by girl flaneur at 11:38 PM on September 13, 2014 [4 favorites]
I don't think you should give up on this desire; it seems so important to you. Perhaps you may want to focus on other areas of your life, e.g., invest some of your energy into your career, volunteer work, or friends, if you are going through a tough patch. Take a break from dating, certainly. But working to extinguish a desire that has been with you since childhood? I don't know why you would want to do that unless your desire was for something bad or impossible. Many of us do yearn for things that are truly impossible, and it would be wise for us to try and rid ourselves of these desires. But being in a healthy relationship is not impossible for you, although it may be horribly, painfully difficult for you at this moment.
Of course, many people are very happy to be single, and they aren't missing anything in their lives. However, the people I know who fit this description are people who, for whatever reason, just don't have a strong desire for a long term romantic relationship or have many other things in their lives which are more important to them than being in a relationship. This does not seem to describe you.
Why try and permanently cut yourself off from something that is obviously so important to you?
posted by girl flaneur at 11:38 PM on September 13, 2014 [4 favorites]
Best answer: I haven't given up, and there are other factors for me, but lately I've been acknowledging that I'm pickier/more particular than most people, and that that's OK. It lowers my chances of "finding someone," but there's not much I can do about that. Even if I'm lonely, finding someone I'm not really excited to be with wouldn't actually be a net gain over being single.
posted by needs more cowbell at 11:41 PM on September 13, 2014 [22 favorites]
posted by needs more cowbell at 11:41 PM on September 13, 2014 [22 favorites]
Best answer: Part of coming to terms with being long-term (permanently?) single is coming to terms with being more alone than you might otherwise be. By all means, try to pursue as active a social life as possible with friends or what have you, but for most people, the most constant presence in their life and their home (outside of work) is their spouse or significant other. So you may enjoy literature that deals with solitude or loneliness in some way. Things like Kerouac's Desolation Angels, Thoreau's Walden or Four Huts, trans. Burton Watson.
Of course, all of those people eventually returned from the isolation they wrote about, though Kerouac died young and Thoreau never married (I think). The point is that they wrote quite thoughtfully about solitude.
Marcus Aurelius' Meditations may be up your alley. He was married but was often away from his wife for long periods of time on military campaigns.
It might be comforting to read biographies of people who never married and didn't have long term romantic relationships. Isaac Newton never married, for example. There's been some speculation that he was a homosexual, but even if that's true, he never seemed to have a long-term mate of either sex.
I realize none of those suggestions are explicitly by/for single people, but resignation to (as opposed to incidental) permanent singlehood is fairly uncommon outside of certain religious traditions, and those people usually fill the void with something very big and particular, like God and the monastic comunity, in the case of monks.
But it's an interesting question, and I'm curious about what other people will suggest.
posted by jingzuo at 12:07 AM on September 14, 2014 [5 favorites]
Of course, all of those people eventually returned from the isolation they wrote about, though Kerouac died young and Thoreau never married (I think). The point is that they wrote quite thoughtfully about solitude.
Marcus Aurelius' Meditations may be up your alley. He was married but was often away from his wife for long periods of time on military campaigns.
It might be comforting to read biographies of people who never married and didn't have long term romantic relationships. Isaac Newton never married, for example. There's been some speculation that he was a homosexual, but even if that's true, he never seemed to have a long-term mate of either sex.
I realize none of those suggestions are explicitly by/for single people, but resignation to (as opposed to incidental) permanent singlehood is fairly uncommon outside of certain religious traditions, and those people usually fill the void with something very big and particular, like God and the monastic comunity, in the case of monks.
But it's an interesting question, and I'm curious about what other people will suggest.
posted by jingzuo at 12:07 AM on September 14, 2014 [5 favorites]
Best answer: Practically speaking, sink as much into retirement as you can. Save money so that you can outsource things a partner might usually do that you don't want to ask friends for; anything from in-home post-op care to mowing the lawn. Don't shrink from taking on responsibility or adventure that seems too big for one person; buying a house, getting a dog, traveling. Build a strong support network of friends of all ages.
posted by stellaluna at 12:20 AM on September 14, 2014 [15 favorites]
posted by stellaluna at 12:20 AM on September 14, 2014 [15 favorites]
Best answer: This photo by Banksy sums it up for me.
posted by invisible ink at 12:26 AM on September 14, 2014 [21 favorites]
posted by invisible ink at 12:26 AM on September 14, 2014 [21 favorites]
Best answer: Perhaps reframing singledom as "the least worst option" might be helpful.
I've been through times in my life when I've been terribly lonely, and thus made some pretty poor choices in relationships which were unstable, unpleasant and hurtful mostly out of desperation.
It was easy for me to blame other people at the time, but what I realized is that I was not only putting myself in these situation and selling myself cheap but also acting very badly towards them too.
It was very hard to see myself as behaving in this way, and made me feel very guilty when I did realize this, but this did give me the motivation to change my approach and be a much more positive person in my relations with the world and a lot happier person in the long run.
posted by Middlemarch at 12:50 AM on September 14, 2014 [9 favorites]
I've been through times in my life when I've been terribly lonely, and thus made some pretty poor choices in relationships which were unstable, unpleasant and hurtful mostly out of desperation.
It was easy for me to blame other people at the time, but what I realized is that I was not only putting myself in these situation and selling myself cheap but also acting very badly towards them too.
It was very hard to see myself as behaving in this way, and made me feel very guilty when I did realize this, but this did give me the motivation to change my approach and be a much more positive person in my relations with the world and a lot happier person in the long run.
posted by Middlemarch at 12:50 AM on September 14, 2014 [9 favorites]
You might like Susannah Conway's blog. She was widowed very young and has been single for quite some time; she writes not infrequently about how different her life has been than she expected and making peace with that.
posted by jrobin276 at 1:42 AM on September 14, 2014 [1 favorite]
posted by jrobin276 at 1:42 AM on September 14, 2014 [1 favorite]
Check out Living Single. It gets a bit "us against them" at times, but on the whole, it's helpful (in my experience).
posted by Solomon at 1:49 AM on September 14, 2014 [3 favorites]
posted by Solomon at 1:49 AM on September 14, 2014 [3 favorites]
Best answer: I wrote about this a couple of years ago. Rather than cut/paste, just going to link to it click here.
posted by dancestoblue at 2:08 AM on September 14, 2014 [6 favorites]
posted by dancestoblue at 2:08 AM on September 14, 2014 [6 favorites]
Partnering up is a crap shoot. It's luck. We all know people that we can't believe are single, because they are so awesome and would make somebody a great partner. Likewise, we all know partnered people who we can't believe anybody would voluntarily spend 10 minutes with, let alone a lifetime. Finding a partner requires you and a suitable partner to both be in the same place at the same time (both physically and emotionally), under circumstances where you can actually meet, at a time in your life when you are open to new relationships, etc.. I met my wife when I walked into a party that she was leaving, and one of the guys I was with had been in the same dorm as her the year before, so we stopped to chat. If it had taken us 15 seconds longer to get there because we had to wait for traffic to cross a street our paths would have never crossed. I could go batty when I think about the string of coincidences involved in us meeting that night. So I don't. There is no logic to it. I think you just have to accept your life as it is and make the best of it. Partnered or not partnered, it's not a value statement on your life. It just is.
posted by COD at 5:40 AM on September 14, 2014 [16 favorites]
posted by COD at 5:40 AM on September 14, 2014 [16 favorites]
Is it possible to give up a desire that is held so deeply? I'm not so sure it is that simple. But it is possible to find happiness where you are, and also to examine the underlying factors of why you are so focused on that one desire. In the west people tend to use therapy/analysis for that, but prayer and meditation are also common pathways. Really looking at the why and the how of a desire let you tease it apart into its history and components, and can let you find the parts that matter, fix the elements that are broken, and put it into a better context.
But as with all such things, it is much easier said than done.
posted by Dip Flash at 5:50 AM on September 14, 2014 [2 favorites]
But as with all such things, it is much easier said than done.
posted by Dip Flash at 5:50 AM on September 14, 2014 [2 favorites]
I don't think you should just outright give up on relationships, but instead just live your life how you want and focus on yourself. Do things you enjoy, pick up hobbies you've always wanted to try, travel, etc.
Basically don't make getting into a relationship the center of your life or the cornerstone of your own happiness. But don't just rule it out, think of it more like putting it on the backburner and just letting life happen. Often that's when you meet someone really cool
posted by Kimmalah at 6:22 AM on September 14, 2014 [1 favorite]
Basically don't make getting into a relationship the center of your life or the cornerstone of your own happiness. But don't just rule it out, think of it more like putting it on the backburner and just letting life happen. Often that's when you meet someone really cool
posted by Kimmalah at 6:22 AM on September 14, 2014 [1 favorite]
I don't know if this will help you, because not everyone wants to have kids... but for me, the whole reason I wanted to meet a partner was so that I could get married and have kids. So deciding to have a kid without a partner helped me to accept being unpartnered, and solves the "only person you're working for is you" problem (assuming that this actually happens for me. If it doesn't work out and I never have kids, then I'm not sure what my solution to this is, personally). I do think that we all need to feel like we are useful to and valued by someone else.
The funny thing is, once I started telling people that I'm trying to have a kid by myself, multiple women I know who are married with kids admitted to me that they wish they had done what I'm doing, but they couldn't because of their financial situation, or judgmental conservative parents, or whatever. So instead, they settled for a guy they didn't love so they could have babies. And now they have babies that they love! And husbands they barely tolerate, fight with constantly, and are on the verge of divorcing. I would so much rather be me than them, even if I never, ever meet someone.
posted by rhymeswithcheery at 6:25 AM on September 14, 2014 [5 favorites]
The funny thing is, once I started telling people that I'm trying to have a kid by myself, multiple women I know who are married with kids admitted to me that they wish they had done what I'm doing, but they couldn't because of their financial situation, or judgmental conservative parents, or whatever. So instead, they settled for a guy they didn't love so they could have babies. And now they have babies that they love! And husbands they barely tolerate, fight with constantly, and are on the verge of divorcing. I would so much rather be me than them, even if I never, ever meet someone.
posted by rhymeswithcheery at 6:25 AM on September 14, 2014 [5 favorites]
Best answer: When I was single I did exactly what I wanted. It was GREAT! I didn't think of myself as searching for someone, I was just a very happy person. I bought a house, I drove the car I liked, all my financial decisions were for me. I hung out with my friends, I played with other people's children, and I felt part of a large, loving extended family.
So when Husbunny came along, I knew that adding him to an already healthy, happy life would be an enhancement, not a change.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 6:27 AM on September 14, 2014 [7 favorites]
So when Husbunny came along, I knew that adding him to an already healthy, happy life would be an enhancement, not a change.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 6:27 AM on September 14, 2014 [7 favorites]
Best answer: For me, now firmly in my tenth year single, it's been about letting go without giving up. Life's hard to plan for anyway; think of all the things you've been through that were unpredictable. Some are enriching, others are traumatizing; we do what we can, but life is life.
Do what you enjoy. If you want to do something, and there's nothing concrete (as opposed to "what would other people think?") that would prevent you from doing it, then do it.
You get to know yourself in a different way when you're single, and it's great. I mainly hold wonderful memories of the last ten years, and have been able to take risks I probably wouldn't have were I a parent. I'm aware my life would have been different and better in other ways, but reality is reality, you make the best of it.
And just as perspective, I come from a background of family-wide abuse. My earliest dream was when I was three years old; it was of God, who asked me what I wanted in life, and I answered "love, of course!" I didn't mean fairy tale love, I meant love, period. (Three years old and I already grokked that my family didn't love me.) So, if I make it sound easy, I'm not doing that on purpose. I've let go, but I can't give up; three-year-old me still wants to know what love is, and ideally, what it is as part of a family.
Spiritual thought surrounding suffering, accepting and going through it can help too.
posted by fraula at 6:45 AM on September 14, 2014 [12 favorites]
Do what you enjoy. If you want to do something, and there's nothing concrete (as opposed to "what would other people think?") that would prevent you from doing it, then do it.
You get to know yourself in a different way when you're single, and it's great. I mainly hold wonderful memories of the last ten years, and have been able to take risks I probably wouldn't have were I a parent. I'm aware my life would have been different and better in other ways, but reality is reality, you make the best of it.
And just as perspective, I come from a background of family-wide abuse. My earliest dream was when I was three years old; it was of God, who asked me what I wanted in life, and I answered "love, of course!" I didn't mean fairy tale love, I meant love, period. (Three years old and I already grokked that my family didn't love me.) So, if I make it sound easy, I'm not doing that on purpose. I've let go, but I can't give up; three-year-old me still wants to know what love is, and ideally, what it is as part of a family.
Spiritual thought surrounding suffering, accepting and going through it can help too.
posted by fraula at 6:45 AM on September 14, 2014 [12 favorites]
Start a blog. It sounds odd, but a lot of what we want from a relationship is to be seen and heard. I have found that having a blog can give me the sensation of not being alone in the world.
posted by Vaike at 8:06 AM on September 14, 2014 [9 favorites]
posted by Vaike at 8:06 AM on September 14, 2014 [9 favorites]
Best answer: I'm firmly in the "it's a crapshoot" camp. It's not a meritocracy and there are no guarantees. There are so many factors beyond our control that need to come together in just the right way for us to meet a significant other, it amazes me that it ever happens for anyone at all. And of course, anecdotally, most of the folks who I know that are partnered are unhappy. It's always better to be alone than in a bad relationship.
It's perfectly OK to want romantic love, as long as the degree of wanting it is not so intense as to become dysfunctional. That doesn't do anyone any good. It's only gets in the way of moving forward with other parts of your life, and it also increases the likelihood that you'll end up in one of those bad relationships.
So one suggestion is to work on overcoming intense pining by realizing that there are all kinds of non-romantic but equally important loves: for family, friends, pets, hobbies, education, work you actually like, etc. Fill your life with pursuing all of those other kinds of love. This has benefits in addition to helping you to become more balanced about how you feel. It will help you to overcome tendencies that others perceive as needy or desperate, thus putting them off and making it harder for you to find a partner.
Another way of dealing with it is by cultivating a meditation practice. That helps loosen up the perceived grip powerful emotions have over us and helps us to be more at ease. Another approach that folks recommend often is therapy, although I hate adding that suggestion to the pile because it's a pretty cliche recommendation here. BUT if you are trying other things and still really struggling to deal with it, therapy is another tool that can help you.
Also, I see a lot of single folks put their lives on hold until they find a partner. This is of course a really awful thing to do to yourself. You will miss out on all sorts of "other loves" that would enrich your life. For example, an acquaintance of mine would love to go to Paris, but refuses to go until he has a girlfriend. He thinks that going sans girlfriend will suck because "Paris is such a romantic place" that it will be constantly reminding him of his status. And of course, this is something he has wanted to do for many years, but guess what? There's still no prospective girlfriend in sight. So he's been pining away for the girlfriend and Paris. On the other hand, I've been to Paris by myself and it was enriching in all sorts of unexpected ways. The French and I love a lot of the same things, and they really know how to live (regardless of relationship status). I'm so glad I did not miss out on that.
posted by jazzbaby at 8:09 AM on September 14, 2014 [4 favorites]
It's perfectly OK to want romantic love, as long as the degree of wanting it is not so intense as to become dysfunctional. That doesn't do anyone any good. It's only gets in the way of moving forward with other parts of your life, and it also increases the likelihood that you'll end up in one of those bad relationships.
So one suggestion is to work on overcoming intense pining by realizing that there are all kinds of non-romantic but equally important loves: for family, friends, pets, hobbies, education, work you actually like, etc. Fill your life with pursuing all of those other kinds of love. This has benefits in addition to helping you to become more balanced about how you feel. It will help you to overcome tendencies that others perceive as needy or desperate, thus putting them off and making it harder for you to find a partner.
Another way of dealing with it is by cultivating a meditation practice. That helps loosen up the perceived grip powerful emotions have over us and helps us to be more at ease. Another approach that folks recommend often is therapy, although I hate adding that suggestion to the pile because it's a pretty cliche recommendation here. BUT if you are trying other things and still really struggling to deal with it, therapy is another tool that can help you.
Also, I see a lot of single folks put their lives on hold until they find a partner. This is of course a really awful thing to do to yourself. You will miss out on all sorts of "other loves" that would enrich your life. For example, an acquaintance of mine would love to go to Paris, but refuses to go until he has a girlfriend. He thinks that going sans girlfriend will suck because "Paris is such a romantic place" that it will be constantly reminding him of his status. And of course, this is something he has wanted to do for many years, but guess what? There's still no prospective girlfriend in sight. So he's been pining away for the girlfriend and Paris. On the other hand, I've been to Paris by myself and it was enriching in all sorts of unexpected ways. The French and I love a lot of the same things, and they really know how to live (regardless of relationship status). I'm so glad I did not miss out on that.
posted by jazzbaby at 8:09 AM on September 14, 2014 [4 favorites]
Best answer: I love that pic invisible ink posted.
When I thought about who I wanted to marry, I wanted to find someone who had traveled, who was well-read, who was smart and adventurous and took risks. So I married someone who had traveled, who was well-read, who was smart and adventurous and took risks. And I was very, very lonely.
And then I divorced and became someone who traveled, who is well-read, who is smart and adventurous and takes risks. And I realized that the person I wanted to be with was me.
I'd always assumed I wanted a partner because I wanted someone to look up to. But I've grown to trust myself a lot more. I think a lot about a comment Gloria Steinem made: We're becoming the men we wanted to marry. I don't see it as an exclusively feminist comment -- I see it as an affirmation that if we're longing for something in someone else, we have the capacity to become it ourselves.
I'll never marry again, and I do think about what my life will be as I get older. I have an illness that'll turn serious in a matter of years, so I'm saving money and trying to brace myself for it as best as I can.
One thing that's helped me is staying VERY FAR AWAY from unhappily single people. You know, the friends who beg you to go out for a drink so they can spend half the evening scanning over your shoulder to see if there's anyone dateable in the room, and the other half of the evening complaining loudly about how there's no one good enough/no one will love them. I can't and won't be an accessory to that anymore. I am trying to find a balance of happy partnered, happily familied, and happily single/divorced friends.
posted by mochapickle at 8:24 AM on September 14, 2014 [38 favorites]
When I thought about who I wanted to marry, I wanted to find someone who had traveled, who was well-read, who was smart and adventurous and took risks. So I married someone who had traveled, who was well-read, who was smart and adventurous and took risks. And I was very, very lonely.
And then I divorced and became someone who traveled, who is well-read, who is smart and adventurous and takes risks. And I realized that the person I wanted to be with was me.
I'd always assumed I wanted a partner because I wanted someone to look up to. But I've grown to trust myself a lot more. I think a lot about a comment Gloria Steinem made: We're becoming the men we wanted to marry. I don't see it as an exclusively feminist comment -- I see it as an affirmation that if we're longing for something in someone else, we have the capacity to become it ourselves.
I'll never marry again, and I do think about what my life will be as I get older. I have an illness that'll turn serious in a matter of years, so I'm saving money and trying to brace myself for it as best as I can.
One thing that's helped me is staying VERY FAR AWAY from unhappily single people. You know, the friends who beg you to go out for a drink so they can spend half the evening scanning over your shoulder to see if there's anyone dateable in the room, and the other half of the evening complaining loudly about how there's no one good enough/no one will love them. I can't and won't be an accessory to that anymore. I am trying to find a balance of happy partnered, happily familied, and happily single/divorced friends.
posted by mochapickle at 8:24 AM on September 14, 2014 [38 favorites]
Read this thread on "what do you enjoy about being single." Yes, there are definitely downsides, and your feelings are real and valid, but there are lots of excellent aspects to singlehood that you may be overlooking.
I think it's less about giving up then it is about letting go and things just be. That's both easy and hard. Buddhism deals with this head on, and I recommend reading Pema Chodron for some excellent and accessible writing. Two books especially come to mind: Comfortable with Uncertainty and When Things Fall Apart.
posted by desjardins at 8:45 AM on September 14, 2014 [2 favorites]
I think it's less about giving up then it is about letting go and things just be. That's both easy and hard. Buddhism deals with this head on, and I recommend reading Pema Chodron for some excellent and accessible writing. Two books especially come to mind: Comfortable with Uncertainty and When Things Fall Apart.
posted by desjardins at 8:45 AM on September 14, 2014 [2 favorites]
There's a good book 'Lovesick' by Frank Tallis, that explores whether romantic love is a form of mental illness. Sometimes I worry it feeds my cynicism, at others it's just what I need. Culturally I think we are over-focused on the idea, as important and worthwhile as romantic love can be.
That said, at 96 (I kid you not) a distant relative of mine met her 98 yr old second husband to be in the nursing home. They married, were in the paper and had 2 happy years together. So I guess just never say never... :)
posted by tanktop at 10:59 AM on September 14, 2014 [3 favorites]
That said, at 96 (I kid you not) a distant relative of mine met her 98 yr old second husband to be in the nursing home. They married, were in the paper and had 2 happy years together. So I guess just never say never... :)
posted by tanktop at 10:59 AM on September 14, 2014 [3 favorites]
Best answer: If you find singlehood uncomfortable, make lemonade from those lemons. You want Bogoljubov's perspective on chess applied to life. Bogoljubov: "When I am White I win because I am White. When I am Black I win because I am Bogolyubov."
No matter what life throws at you, it's an opportunity, a marvelous development. You are water. If you just flow endlessly, you are indomitable, you are unstoppable, you wear through every obstacle. You encounter a solid rock, you can't flow through it... today... so you flow around it and continue on, unstoppable... and one day even the rock is worn down, and you keep flowing and flowing.
Oh, coupled people have such and such advantages. OK, but what about the flip side? There are advantages only to be had when single. How about down to the very nitty gritty psychological - a coupled person can always turn to the their partner and hear their perspective, seek their counsel, two heads rather than one, enriched horizons. Well, there is a flip side, yes there is. A person around whom you spend so much time is like a gravitational field. You cannot help but always be influenced by their perspective, their horizons, their psychology, even if you are somewhat different and an individual. Your thinking, even unconsciously, will be influenced by their views, their psychology - your horizon will be bent by their gravitational pull. As will your ambition, and your dreams and your internal life. Many coupled people try to remedy that through regular "me time", but you can never truly escape that field. As a single person, you don't have the benefit of that counsel, but you do have a shot at an originality and perspective that's truly yours.
And so on. Lemonade can be the most delicious drink, not made because there's nothing else to do with these lemons, but because it's a marvellous drink you seek out quite on its own for its own rewards.
Hold onto that, Water, my friend!
posted by VikingSword at 11:38 AM on September 14, 2014 [6 favorites]
No matter what life throws at you, it's an opportunity, a marvelous development. You are water. If you just flow endlessly, you are indomitable, you are unstoppable, you wear through every obstacle. You encounter a solid rock, you can't flow through it... today... so you flow around it and continue on, unstoppable... and one day even the rock is worn down, and you keep flowing and flowing.
Oh, coupled people have such and such advantages. OK, but what about the flip side? There are advantages only to be had when single. How about down to the very nitty gritty psychological - a coupled person can always turn to the their partner and hear their perspective, seek their counsel, two heads rather than one, enriched horizons. Well, there is a flip side, yes there is. A person around whom you spend so much time is like a gravitational field. You cannot help but always be influenced by their perspective, their horizons, their psychology, even if you are somewhat different and an individual. Your thinking, even unconsciously, will be influenced by their views, their psychology - your horizon will be bent by their gravitational pull. As will your ambition, and your dreams and your internal life. Many coupled people try to remedy that through regular "me time", but you can never truly escape that field. As a single person, you don't have the benefit of that counsel, but you do have a shot at an originality and perspective that's truly yours.
And so on. Lemonade can be the most delicious drink, not made because there's nothing else to do with these lemons, but because it's a marvellous drink you seek out quite on its own for its own rewards.
Hold onto that, Water, my friend!
posted by VikingSword at 11:38 AM on September 14, 2014 [6 favorites]
Best answer: Less philosophical and more practical: along with saving as much as possible for retirement, get long-term care insurance NOW and start shopping for nursing homes for yourself. Knowing that there is a plan in place for your old age and very old age takes a lot of the pressure off, I think.
posted by mchorn at 3:24 PM on September 14, 2014 [2 favorites]
posted by mchorn at 3:24 PM on September 14, 2014 [2 favorites]
Best answer: I'm in a very similar boat, although I guess the shape of the boat has changed since I got in it two years ago. I didn't originally want to be single, but I was. Then I started to realize that I'd gotten very used to having my space to myself and I've now got a long list of things I don't really want to give up just to be in a relationship again. And I have to be a realist enough to know that things like retirement and end-of-life planning are things I need to do for myself, not with the assumption that I will have a partner. But you know what? That's probably something that should be true even of the currently-partnered. And now that I've gotten more used to the whole thing, what I find is that nontraditional arrangements seem considerably more attractive, and I can just appreciate them for what they are, not for the hopes of permanence. Permanence is a thing to dream about when you're a kid. The real world is messy.
Like, what passes for satisfying right now is that I have several people who I was previously in relationships with who I am still fond of who I get to talk to on a regular basis, who say nice things to me and call me pretty even when I don't feel pretty and stuff that would have never felt like an adequate substitute for a relationship ten years ago. But now? I like it. Go online to your country's equivalent of Babeland and buy yourself the sex toy equivalent of a Cadillac, or several, or FWBs also work but I'd probably get at least one good mechanical aid for backup purposes, anyway. Buy yourself the household goods you want when you can afford them, and start learning how to cook well for just you. Learn what solo activities make you feel really, really good, and do more of those things.
It's one of those things--yeah, sure, chances are good that both of us will at some point have another romantic relationship, chances are also good that those romantic relationships won't be any more forever than any previous romantic relationship. It is entirely sensible, I think, to plan for singleness and then let anything that happens beyond that just be a happy surprise. And the conclusion I've come to is that Virginia Woolf was right that as a woman, you really need not just resources but space to be yourself. Remind yourself often that you deserve the chance to be you, first and foremost, this opportunity to figure out what the real you likes and doesn't and how that person wants to live, and then find compatible people, romantic or otherwise, throughout the rest of your life to augment that.
posted by Sequence at 4:17 PM on September 14, 2014 [3 favorites]
Like, what passes for satisfying right now is that I have several people who I was previously in relationships with who I am still fond of who I get to talk to on a regular basis, who say nice things to me and call me pretty even when I don't feel pretty and stuff that would have never felt like an adequate substitute for a relationship ten years ago. But now? I like it. Go online to your country's equivalent of Babeland and buy yourself the sex toy equivalent of a Cadillac, or several, or FWBs also work but I'd probably get at least one good mechanical aid for backup purposes, anyway. Buy yourself the household goods you want when you can afford them, and start learning how to cook well for just you. Learn what solo activities make you feel really, really good, and do more of those things.
It's one of those things--yeah, sure, chances are good that both of us will at some point have another romantic relationship, chances are also good that those romantic relationships won't be any more forever than any previous romantic relationship. It is entirely sensible, I think, to plan for singleness and then let anything that happens beyond that just be a happy surprise. And the conclusion I've come to is that Virginia Woolf was right that as a woman, you really need not just resources but space to be yourself. Remind yourself often that you deserve the chance to be you, first and foremost, this opportunity to figure out what the real you likes and doesn't and how that person wants to live, and then find compatible people, romantic or otherwise, throughout the rest of your life to augment that.
posted by Sequence at 4:17 PM on September 14, 2014 [3 favorites]
Pick a few things that interest you and do them.
I had a spell in my late 20's and early thirties where I couldn't get a date, so I said 'fuck it, I'm not trying.' One of the best things I did was take a fishing vacation. I read a couple books, got some equipment, found a place to go that was nowhere near where I worked and had some nice days where I went out in the early evening and caught my dinner.
Replace "fishing vacation" with something that might work for you.
One of the hardest questions to answer under those circumstances is "what now?" or "what next?" Honestly, the answer isn't important unless you happen to have been right.
posted by plinth at 5:10 PM on September 14, 2014
I had a spell in my late 20's and early thirties where I couldn't get a date, so I said 'fuck it, I'm not trying.' One of the best things I did was take a fishing vacation. I read a couple books, got some equipment, found a place to go that was nowhere near where I worked and had some nice days where I went out in the early evening and caught my dinner.
Replace "fishing vacation" with something that might work for you.
One of the hardest questions to answer under those circumstances is "what now?" or "what next?" Honestly, the answer isn't important unless you happen to have been right.
posted by plinth at 5:10 PM on September 14, 2014
How do you work out how to plan the rest of your life when the only person you're working for is you?
You can still have children, if you think that will add meaning to your life. If not biological, then adoptive or foster.
And given that you're on MetaFilter, I'm going to assume that you're relatively open-minded on LGBTQ issues -- there is a HUGE unmet need for foster parents for gay or trans youth whose socially conservative parents have kicked them out of the house and who don't fit in at most foster homes (since most foster parents are religiously motivated). You could literally save lives.
posted by Jacqueline at 7:30 PM on September 14, 2014 [2 favorites]
You can still have children, if you think that will add meaning to your life. If not biological, then adoptive or foster.
And given that you're on MetaFilter, I'm going to assume that you're relatively open-minded on LGBTQ issues -- there is a HUGE unmet need for foster parents for gay or trans youth whose socially conservative parents have kicked them out of the house and who don't fit in at most foster homes (since most foster parents are religiously motivated). You could literally save lives.
posted by Jacqueline at 7:30 PM on September 14, 2014 [2 favorites]
I just can't go to most concerts/ plays/ events alone. Sometimes friends want to go, not always. So I developed new interests that are more amenable to being single*. I have developed a network of friends who are smart and interesting. I look for things to be thankful for. I did kind of become the person I'd like to marry. I'm comfortable being on my own, and probably should go out more, but it can be tiring.
I was married, have a child, and now have a grandchild, and am very happy about this.
* MeFi meetups, dance club, hiking/ camping, lectures, art openings, dog park. Your list may vary.
posted by theora55 at 8:49 PM on September 14, 2014
I was married, have a child, and now have a grandchild, and am very happy about this.
* MeFi meetups, dance club, hiking/ camping, lectures, art openings, dog park. Your list may vary.
posted by theora55 at 8:49 PM on September 14, 2014
Best answer: There is a difference between singledom and just living a life by oneself. So make sure you have those clearly delineated. There are things that a partner can provide but there are other interactions with humans that are not dependent on being with/without someone. Perhaps you can work with/for others and create enriching relationships that way. As humans I believe we need a companion, just trying to bury that need is not going to change that. However that companionship can happen in deep and meaningful relationships with others along the way. Volunteering is one option that can lead to so many others.
posted by jellyjam at 9:30 PM on September 14, 2014 [2 favorites]
posted by jellyjam at 9:30 PM on September 14, 2014 [2 favorites]
Best answer: What do you do, to stop aching for the bare expanse of shoulder in your bed?
I think you should try to stop trying to control your emotions and focus simply on accepting them. You want a bare expanse of shoulder at night. You want to not want it. That's not a crime. It's perfectly natural. And yes, we all have the experience of wanting things we don't have.
Maybe telling yourself that you're permanently single is a way to try to predict the future and dull your pain. But you don't know what the future holds. All you know is that you want a partner. And you're single. For now. Maybe forever. Maybe for another day, week, month or decade. Who knows?
How do you work out how to plan the rest of your life when the only person you're working for is you?
Maybe take a step back from planning the rest of your life and just focus on today. This moment. What do you love, now? What brings you joy and excitement now? What inspires you? When do you feel alive? Do those things.
posted by Gray Skies at 12:33 AM on September 16, 2014 [3 favorites]
I think you should try to stop trying to control your emotions and focus simply on accepting them. You want a bare expanse of shoulder at night. You want to not want it. That's not a crime. It's perfectly natural. And yes, we all have the experience of wanting things we don't have.
Maybe telling yourself that you're permanently single is a way to try to predict the future and dull your pain. But you don't know what the future holds. All you know is that you want a partner. And you're single. For now. Maybe forever. Maybe for another day, week, month or decade. Who knows?
How do you work out how to plan the rest of your life when the only person you're working for is you?
Maybe take a step back from planning the rest of your life and just focus on today. This moment. What do you love, now? What brings you joy and excitement now? What inspires you? When do you feel alive? Do those things.
posted by Gray Skies at 12:33 AM on September 16, 2014 [3 favorites]
Best answer: I love being single now for the first time in my life because I have nothing which I can readily blame for both the bliss and misery of existence. I firmly believe this life contains a mysterious longing which cannot be answered in human terms, despite our culture's insistence on the opposite. Also, I know love through loving, not by being loved.
posted by macinchik at 4:15 PM on September 18, 2014
posted by macinchik at 4:15 PM on September 18, 2014
Response by poster: Hilariously, the very day I posted this, I met someone who might possibly be a sort of partner-ish type, potentially, though its far too early to tell, but um the chemistry might or not be unbelievably implausibly wildly phenomenal, and he could concievably appear to be an honest, thoughtful, person with similar values and interests open to the idea of exploring the feasibility of whatever happens, which is why I've not given a lot of thought to the very kind and generous answers here, but I would like to thank you for them, also 66 other people were very interested. Um, and no, at 47 with two adult offspring, I do not want to have a baby, but thanks for the idea. And I definitely do not want to hear fom any of you 'I told you so' types or 'all you had to was stop looking' people because you'll jinx it and its not even early days yet.
He looks a bit like Hugh Jackman before the beard and headshave, back when Hugh was cute.
posted by b33j at 10:08 AM on September 29, 2014 [5 favorites]
He looks a bit like Hugh Jackman before the beard and headshave, back when Hugh was cute.
posted by b33j at 10:08 AM on September 29, 2014 [5 favorites]
Bottom line for me is I was born alone and I'll die alone so Thats how I have always lived my life,and I'm in my early 50s.Never lived with anyone and I think it makes you a stronger person.
posted by Dustin 1 at 4:04 AM on October 22, 2014
posted by Dustin 1 at 4:04 AM on October 22, 2014
Response by poster: If you're still interested, it's monogamous, defined absolutely, recently and bilaterally as a "relationship" with a wild evening of riding a dinghy through a thunderstorm (squealing in delight and unison at massive lightning strikes) to his boat the most recent bonding event.
posted by b33j at 2:52 AM on November 7, 2014 [6 favorites]
posted by b33j at 2:52 AM on November 7, 2014 [6 favorites]
So great to hear :) We just never know what's round the corner :)
posted by tanktop at 7:02 AM on January 10, 2015
posted by tanktop at 7:02 AM on January 10, 2015
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posted by aniola at 11:05 PM on September 13, 2014 [7 favorites]