You should give up/ try harder/ love yourself/ lower your standards
September 13, 2014 7:34 PM Subscribe
What is with the constant insistence to single people that they would meet someone if they just did X, Y, or Z?
In my experience, this advice almost always comes from people who are married or otherwise coupled. And if the single person responds with, "Yes, I have done that thing you suggested, and I am still single," the smug coupled person always insists that the single person hasn't done it *enough*, or is doing it *wrong*, etc.
For example, I am single, and I have a friend who has repeatedly said to me, "You'll meet someone as soon as you give up on meeting someone." Which, um, I have completely given up. I'm 38, single, and having fertility treatments using donor sperm I bought on the internet. I've gone on one date in the last 2.5 years. I never meet single men who want to date me, ever. If this isn't "giving up", then what is? I'm not sure what the next level of "giving up" would be-- stop showering and never leave my apartment? Yet, my friend insists that Prince Charming will magically walk into my life any day now, because it "always happens", and it happened to her when she "gave up" (when she was much younger than I am now).
What I'm wondering is, what is the psychological impulse that drives this need to insist that everyone will meet someone if only they do a specific thing they are not doing, or are not doing right/ enough? Do these people honestly not know people who just never met anyone, never became coupled, and grew old and died without ever finding a long-term partner? Or have they somehow psychologically filtered out the existence of their unmarried uncle, or high school teacher, or neighbor, etc., so that they now have a view of the world that does not even *see* people who are single forever? Are they frightened that if they lost their current partner, they could also be among the eternally single, so this is some sort of self-protective mechanism?
In my experience, this advice almost always comes from people who are married or otherwise coupled. And if the single person responds with, "Yes, I have done that thing you suggested, and I am still single," the smug coupled person always insists that the single person hasn't done it *enough*, or is doing it *wrong*, etc.
For example, I am single, and I have a friend who has repeatedly said to me, "You'll meet someone as soon as you give up on meeting someone." Which, um, I have completely given up. I'm 38, single, and having fertility treatments using donor sperm I bought on the internet. I've gone on one date in the last 2.5 years. I never meet single men who want to date me, ever. If this isn't "giving up", then what is? I'm not sure what the next level of "giving up" would be-- stop showering and never leave my apartment? Yet, my friend insists that Prince Charming will magically walk into my life any day now, because it "always happens", and it happened to her when she "gave up" (when she was much younger than I am now).
What I'm wondering is, what is the psychological impulse that drives this need to insist that everyone will meet someone if only they do a specific thing they are not doing, or are not doing right/ enough? Do these people honestly not know people who just never met anyone, never became coupled, and grew old and died without ever finding a long-term partner? Or have they somehow psychologically filtered out the existence of their unmarried uncle, or high school teacher, or neighbor, etc., so that they now have a view of the world that does not even *see* people who are single forever? Are they frightened that if they lost their current partner, they could also be among the eternally single, so this is some sort of self-protective mechanism?
Best answer: Because it helps them believe that they have control over their own lives rather than the stark reality of random events deciding a person's fate. It's the same reason some conservatives think poor people just need to work harder. Admitting that you don't have all the answers and that life is unfair is a scary thought.
posted by Librarypt at 7:42 PM on September 13, 2014 [52 favorites]
posted by Librarypt at 7:42 PM on September 13, 2014 [52 favorites]
I think people might be doing this because they want to be optimistic and helpful, and think that saying "yep, you know what, you'll probably be single forever" is unnecessarily mean or just not helpful.
posted by MadamM at 7:44 PM on September 13, 2014 [10 favorites]
posted by MadamM at 7:44 PM on September 13, 2014 [10 favorites]
They are telling you what worked for them because one's own experience is usually what one remembers the strongest. They are doing this because they want to have something helpful to say.
If you don't like when people try to give you advice about being single, it may be more helpful in the long run to just not talk to people about being single. My experience has been that if people are spouting useless platitudes at me, it's usually because I am complaining a bit too much and I have exhausted their reserves of actual helpful feedback but they still like me and want to say nice things to a friend they care about.
posted by FAMOUS MONSTER at 7:46 PM on September 13, 2014 [46 favorites]
If you don't like when people try to give you advice about being single, it may be more helpful in the long run to just not talk to people about being single. My experience has been that if people are spouting useless platitudes at me, it's usually because I am complaining a bit too much and I have exhausted their reserves of actual helpful feedback but they still like me and want to say nice things to a friend they care about.
posted by FAMOUS MONSTER at 7:46 PM on September 13, 2014 [46 favorites]
Would you feel better if they told you it was all luck, life is a dice game made up of loneliness & rejection & you'll be alone bitching about smug couples forever and ever because no one will ever want you?
I would suggest that they are just trying to be nice & encourage you because they care for you. I imagine the impulse is nothing more than trying to be nice & supportive & wanting you to have the happiness they have. They may be projecting their idea of happiness onto you, maybe you want to be single or don't want to find a relationship the way that they did whatever. The fact you seem to be taking social niceties & moral support as as some sort of criticism might say more about you than them.
If you don't want people talking about your social life, don't talk to them about it.
posted by wwax at 7:55 PM on September 13, 2014 [13 favorites]
I would suggest that they are just trying to be nice & encourage you because they care for you. I imagine the impulse is nothing more than trying to be nice & supportive & wanting you to have the happiness they have. They may be projecting their idea of happiness onto you, maybe you want to be single or don't want to find a relationship the way that they did whatever. The fact you seem to be taking social niceties & moral support as as some sort of criticism might say more about you than them.
If you don't want people talking about your social life, don't talk to them about it.
posted by wwax at 7:55 PM on September 13, 2014 [13 favorites]
It's called trying to be supportive and helpful. They are giving you concrete examples that have worked for themselves and for other people. I've never had a friend that said, "it's a lost cause, pack it in."
BTW I'd have answered sooner, but I'm busy "just relaxing" so I can get pregnant.
posted by kimberussell at 7:56 PM on September 13, 2014 [13 favorites]
BTW I'd have answered sooner, but I'm busy "just relaxing" so I can get pregnant.
posted by kimberussell at 7:56 PM on September 13, 2014 [13 favorites]
Best answer: It's not just single people on the receiving end of this. If you have any sort of goal or obstacle, real or perceived, certain people will give their unsolicited, boneheaded advice, as if X were the only thing standing in your way and you were somehow unaware of it. People do this to cancer patients, for Pete's sake.
Sometimes the advice is what worked for the advice-giver and they want to evangelize about it. The rest of the time, I think people are generally just lousy at comprehending other people's difficulties; they assume that there's a solution for just about everything, and that if you haven't achieved goal A, either you haven't tried hard enough or aren't doing it right. See also: every conversation about obesity, poverty, unemployment, etc., etc.
posted by Metroid Baby at 7:59 PM on September 13, 2014 [22 favorites]
Sometimes the advice is what worked for the advice-giver and they want to evangelize about it. The rest of the time, I think people are generally just lousy at comprehending other people's difficulties; they assume that there's a solution for just about everything, and that if you haven't achieved goal A, either you haven't tried hard enough or aren't doing it right. See also: every conversation about obesity, poverty, unemployment, etc., etc.
posted by Metroid Baby at 7:59 PM on September 13, 2014 [22 favorites]
Best answer: I disagree with some of the above posters; it is amazing how freely people offer advice on my (very much chosen and purposeful) singleness, when it is something I literally never talk about. Single people are apparently abnormal, and it does drive some people crazy.
Last week, I reread a well-written and horrifying article about accidentally leaving children to die in car, and how some people feel the need to harshly judge parents who have done so - they must have been careless, and I'm not careless; they must have not loved their child, and I love mine; etc. They want a reason for those bad things, because if there's a reason, that means that you can avoid it. These people want a reason for your singlehood, because when they get divorced, they want to know that there are concrete steps for finding a new partner.
So yeah, they're terrified of being alone (probably because they're not actual adults.)
Also, some married people are really jealous of unmarried folks.
posted by punchtothehead at 8:05 PM on September 13, 2014 [26 favorites]
Last week, I reread a well-written and horrifying article about accidentally leaving children to die in car, and how some people feel the need to harshly judge parents who have done so - they must have been careless, and I'm not careless; they must have not loved their child, and I love mine; etc. They want a reason for those bad things, because if there's a reason, that means that you can avoid it. These people want a reason for your singlehood, because when they get divorced, they want to know that there are concrete steps for finding a new partner.
So yeah, they're terrified of being alone (probably because they're not actual adults.)
Also, some married people are really jealous of unmarried folks.
posted by punchtothehead at 8:05 PM on September 13, 2014 [26 favorites]
Maybe being optimistic, nice and cheerful is what helped them find a partner?
posted by stoneandstar at 8:06 PM on September 13, 2014 [10 favorites]
posted by stoneandstar at 8:06 PM on September 13, 2014 [10 favorites]
Meeting my husband was the end of a chain of events that began when I was four years old. I was in my early twenties when we moved in together.
We deserve credit for maintaining our happiness together but our meeting was one giant, decades-long coincidence that could have forked in another direction at any time. I don't take credit for having done something to attract Mr. Right, only that we were two compatible people who happened to meet.
posted by Deodand at 8:06 PM on September 13, 2014 [1 favorite]
We deserve credit for maintaining our happiness together but our meeting was one giant, decades-long coincidence that could have forked in another direction at any time. I don't take credit for having done something to attract Mr. Right, only that we were two compatible people who happened to meet.
posted by Deodand at 8:06 PM on September 13, 2014 [1 favorite]
Best answer: We desperately want to believe that the world has meaning, that our lives can be slotted into convenient narratives. I did X, Y, and Z, and then I found the love of my life and lived happily ever after.
If you are OK just the way you are and it's all down to luck, then holy shit, ANYTHING could happen. Their own relationships might not even be secure.
Also, to be honest I definitely notice that, once you hit a certain age, still being single is seen as a problem in need of a solution. Your friends don't want to think there's anything wrong with you (and of course there isn't!), therefore the answer must be that there is some action that needs to be taken, and once done the problem of your singledom would be solved.
posted by Sara C. at 8:07 PM on September 13, 2014 [12 favorites]
If you are OK just the way you are and it's all down to luck, then holy shit, ANYTHING could happen. Their own relationships might not even be secure.
Also, to be honest I definitely notice that, once you hit a certain age, still being single is seen as a problem in need of a solution. Your friends don't want to think there's anything wrong with you (and of course there isn't!), therefore the answer must be that there is some action that needs to be taken, and once done the problem of your singledom would be solved.
posted by Sara C. at 8:07 PM on September 13, 2014 [12 favorites]
Best answer: In other words, it's the just-world fallacy in action.
posted by Metroid Baby at 8:09 PM on September 13, 2014 [8 favorites]
posted by Metroid Baby at 8:09 PM on September 13, 2014 [8 favorites]
Response by poster: I understand that people don't want to be insulting, and are trying to be positive and helpful. And I certainly don't expect anyone to say, "You are an unlovable old hag who is doomed to die alone." But what I'm trying to get at is, there are coupled friends of mine who try to be positive and helpful by saying things like, "If I knew anyone, I would introduce you, but I don't know anyone." Which is helpful and positive and not in any way insulting to me, but is also not some handwavey magical thinking bullshit that completely ignores my stated experience of putting their advice into practice (and also ignores the very real existence of other people they know who have been single for decades). I just want to know why some people are so insistent on dismissing other people's experiences, that's all.
posted by rhymeswithcheery at 8:13 PM on September 13, 2014 [2 favorites]
posted by rhymeswithcheery at 8:13 PM on September 13, 2014 [2 favorites]
Because they're self centered and don't really know it? Because they had people be pushy to them all the time when they were younger and they don't understand other ways of showing love and affection? Because they're tedious assholes? There are so many SO MANY possible reasons for why people do things they way that they do, SO MANY REASONS.
Also tbh I have found that someone being single and not weeping dramatically in a vapors-swooning Victorian decline on a fainting couch seems to make a lot of people really uncomfortable, angry, and/or threatened somehow. I can't explain that either but I can and do find it amusing.
posted by poffin boffin at 8:19 PM on September 13, 2014 [7 favorites]
Also tbh I have found that someone being single and not weeping dramatically in a vapors-swooning Victorian decline on a fainting couch seems to make a lot of people really uncomfortable, angry, and/or threatened somehow. I can't explain that either but I can and do find it amusing.
posted by poffin boffin at 8:19 PM on September 13, 2014 [7 favorites]
Best answer: I just want to know why some people are so insistent on dismissing other people's experiences, that's all.
I think there are a bunch of personality traits that don't get as much attention as others. We talk about sympathy and empathy and similar things, but I think there is really a sense in which people can have a hard time really putting themselves in other people's shoes. We talk about this as being empathetic but in reality it's understanding a whole lot more about what it means to be human, and understanding a whole lot more about yourself in order to be able to do this.
I'm not saying I'm some genius about this, I'm sure I have terrible blind spots of my own, but I think since I am a nitpicky and anxious type of person I tend to err on empathizing as if the other person were nitpicky and anxious. So I think (overgeneralizing) that for other people, they tend to err on the side of believing that deep down
1. You (the generic you) are more like them at some base level
2. Things are working for them and therefore will work for you
It's not logical, but a lot of things aren't strictly logical (having kids requires some enormous leaps of faith that people make all the time that aren't rational even if you can understand them, for example, so does marriage) and so there are people with a lot invested in a worldview that encompasses not only them, but you as well. You can see this in other things
- Christians often feel like there is something "normal" about being Christian in majority-Christian countries. So saying "Well have you considered going to church?" to them isn't offensive, it's genuinely helpful
- Capitalists and people who live in a capitalist society do this the same way with the market economy. Of course it makes sense to earn money so that you can spend it on products and services that other people create. That's normal, that's what people want. You want maybe to be a caveman?
These are extreme examples but then you get down to "A fish doesn't know it's wet" at some level. People can only know stuff that is from their own experience or that they've learned and for some people "learning" stops not very far from whatever their own experiences are. For other people it's different. But yes, many people believe that life is a series of conscious intentional choices and that we reap what we sow. For other people it's different.
You're not actually going to know what makes "people" do this because it varies even though some of the tropes are predictably recurring. My mom lives with cancer and she's got a stock reply now that she'd rather die of cancer than have to eat ________ (whatever stuff people are suggesting she eat, often in good faith but whatever) because she's had it with people's well-meaning advice. This is one of the ways that people are people. Some people find it intolerable. Many other people find it to be the sort of gentle social pressure that helps keep civilization alive. I am, like you, annoyed as fuck by this, but I'm also annoyed by capitalism and have learned to get along.
posted by jessamyn at 8:24 PM on September 13, 2014 [33 favorites]
I think there are a bunch of personality traits that don't get as much attention as others. We talk about sympathy and empathy and similar things, but I think there is really a sense in which people can have a hard time really putting themselves in other people's shoes. We talk about this as being empathetic but in reality it's understanding a whole lot more about what it means to be human, and understanding a whole lot more about yourself in order to be able to do this.
I'm not saying I'm some genius about this, I'm sure I have terrible blind spots of my own, but I think since I am a nitpicky and anxious type of person I tend to err on empathizing as if the other person were nitpicky and anxious. So I think (overgeneralizing) that for other people, they tend to err on the side of believing that deep down
1. You (the generic you) are more like them at some base level
2. Things are working for them and therefore will work for you
It's not logical, but a lot of things aren't strictly logical (having kids requires some enormous leaps of faith that people make all the time that aren't rational even if you can understand them, for example, so does marriage) and so there are people with a lot invested in a worldview that encompasses not only them, but you as well. You can see this in other things
- Christians often feel like there is something "normal" about being Christian in majority-Christian countries. So saying "Well have you considered going to church?" to them isn't offensive, it's genuinely helpful
- Capitalists and people who live in a capitalist society do this the same way with the market economy. Of course it makes sense to earn money so that you can spend it on products and services that other people create. That's normal, that's what people want. You want maybe to be a caveman?
These are extreme examples but then you get down to "A fish doesn't know it's wet" at some level. People can only know stuff that is from their own experience or that they've learned and for some people "learning" stops not very far from whatever their own experiences are. For other people it's different. But yes, many people believe that life is a series of conscious intentional choices and that we reap what we sow. For other people it's different.
You're not actually going to know what makes "people" do this because it varies even though some of the tropes are predictably recurring. My mom lives with cancer and she's got a stock reply now that she'd rather die of cancer than have to eat ________ (whatever stuff people are suggesting she eat, often in good faith but whatever) because she's had it with people's well-meaning advice. This is one of the ways that people are people. Some people find it intolerable. Many other people find it to be the sort of gentle social pressure that helps keep civilization alive. I am, like you, annoyed as fuck by this, but I'm also annoyed by capitalism and have learned to get along.
posted by jessamyn at 8:24 PM on September 13, 2014 [33 favorites]
Best answer: People love to simplify the things that come easily to them. Like the hordes of smug slim folks who spout, "just eat less and move more!" to the overweight, individual mileage may vary. I too am tired of the "when you least expect it" love advice. At 42 and very little dating/relationship experience to speak of in my life I can honestly say I've never expected love in my life less than I do now. The people to listen to are the ones advising you to live life to the fullest regardless of your relationship status. And it sounds like you are! Best of luck with the fertility treatments!
posted by cecic at 8:25 PM on September 13, 2014 [6 favorites]
posted by cecic at 8:25 PM on September 13, 2014 [6 favorites]
People are dismissive of your experience because even if there is a particular correct and helpful answer that exists, there is no guarantee that they know it, so what they're left with is either disagreeing in some way with what you are saying to them, or having a conversation about how undateable you are, which they will not do because they are your friend.
I understand that you're frustrated by the situation but if you deal with people at all then you are gonna have to deal with some handwavey magical thinking because we are imperfect creatures. Take the good and leave the bad and assume that your friends are acting out of love for you, even if they don't always know to do or say the exact right thing. That is my advice for you.
posted by FAMOUS MONSTER at 8:29 PM on September 13, 2014 [6 favorites]
I understand that you're frustrated by the situation but if you deal with people at all then you are gonna have to deal with some handwavey magical thinking because we are imperfect creatures. Take the good and leave the bad and assume that your friends are acting out of love for you, even if they don't always know to do or say the exact right thing. That is my advice for you.
posted by FAMOUS MONSTER at 8:29 PM on September 13, 2014 [6 favorites]
Well, I think that finding your partner involves both work and luck. I do think that "fate" plays a certain role in it, in that it can offer you any number of options--or none. Even though my partner and I met online, I can't tell my friends how to replicate that, except to be willing to look online (which they do).
I end up saying things like that when my friends *insist* that luck/destiny/whims of the universe do not play a role in whether some gets paired up or not. I think the world of my friends, and I do see that sometimes they are not necessarily in the best place to start a relationship (but there have been people even busier/more self-centered/poorer/whatever who entered relationships just fine). I don't think that's necessarily what's stopping them from being in a relationship, but it might... I don't know. And if my friends insist that I speculate--because apparently being in a relationship means I know something about relationships--then, yes, I start making guesses.
(For me personally, the "when you least expect it" part was true. I was also only 23, but I had just gotten comfortable being single after a long term relationship. But also, "giving up actively looking" is different from "actively not looking". I still went on dates and kept up with my internet profile. I just wasn't expecting a relationship from the dates. So no, you should still shower and go outside and take care of yourself.)
If you're my friend and you want me to stop saying things like: Just be happy with yourself. Stop trying so hard to be in a relationship. Etc. Then please stop asking me for relationship advice. I know you're single. I keep an eye out for eligible friends to pair up with you. But there's not much more I can do about it than that.
I also do think that everyone is capable of finding *someone*, but what are you willing to give up for that? I mean, in a good relationship, you give up very little that you're not willing to. (A bit of autonomy, not being able to see other people, etc.) But a lot of people enter bad relationships and give up a lot (their personality, freedom, a voice, health, self-respect, dignity) in order to stay in that relationship. So yes, I do think everyone *can* be in a relationship. But I don't think everyone should be in a relationship.
Also, telling you that "it'll happen when you stop looking" is a way for those who care about you to get you to focus your energy on yourself. Take care of yourself. Grow. Date yourself. Travel by yourself. That in itself should bring you happiness, even if the actual advice isn't true and you don't actually meet someone.
posted by ethidda at 8:34 PM on September 13, 2014 [9 favorites]
I end up saying things like that when my friends *insist* that luck/destiny/whims of the universe do not play a role in whether some gets paired up or not. I think the world of my friends, and I do see that sometimes they are not necessarily in the best place to start a relationship (but there have been people even busier/more self-centered/poorer/whatever who entered relationships just fine). I don't think that's necessarily what's stopping them from being in a relationship, but it might... I don't know. And if my friends insist that I speculate--because apparently being in a relationship means I know something about relationships--then, yes, I start making guesses.
(For me personally, the "when you least expect it" part was true. I was also only 23, but I had just gotten comfortable being single after a long term relationship. But also, "giving up actively looking" is different from "actively not looking". I still went on dates and kept up with my internet profile. I just wasn't expecting a relationship from the dates. So no, you should still shower and go outside and take care of yourself.)
If you're my friend and you want me to stop saying things like: Just be happy with yourself. Stop trying so hard to be in a relationship. Etc. Then please stop asking me for relationship advice. I know you're single. I keep an eye out for eligible friends to pair up with you. But there's not much more I can do about it than that.
I also do think that everyone is capable of finding *someone*, but what are you willing to give up for that? I mean, in a good relationship, you give up very little that you're not willing to. (A bit of autonomy, not being able to see other people, etc.) But a lot of people enter bad relationships and give up a lot (their personality, freedom, a voice, health, self-respect, dignity) in order to stay in that relationship. So yes, I do think everyone *can* be in a relationship. But I don't think everyone should be in a relationship.
Also, telling you that "it'll happen when you stop looking" is a way for those who care about you to get you to focus your energy on yourself. Take care of yourself. Grow. Date yourself. Travel by yourself. That in itself should bring you happiness, even if the actual advice isn't true and you don't actually meet someone.
posted by ethidda at 8:34 PM on September 13, 2014 [9 favorites]
Some people are insistent on dismissing other people's experiences because some people are idiots. Or misguided. Or don't think things through.
However, I think characterizing these things as "dismissing your experiences" is an overstatement, because you are defensive. Which is understandable! But it also makes you quicker to take offense. What they may be doing is sharing their own experiences, and what you may be doing is dismissing *their* experiences, because you don't share them.
I know this wasn't your question, but I was single from 32 to 40. Then, when I was 40 I did some okCupid and found a guy four states away. It was luck. But also a bit of uncharacteristic initiative. For me. And it happens like that for some people. And for other people, it doesn't. It happens in lots of ways. I suspect if these people are actually your friends, and you like them and they like you, they are just trying to be positive and encouraging. They probably aren't the smug, thoughtless people you are imagining, and might be horrified you would think so. Because they are your friends.
Still, if you feel they are being thoughtless and unhelpful, tell them they are being thoughtless and unhelpful. Tell them you will let them know when you want to talk about your relationship status, and until then you don't want to discuss it. You don't have to listen to it if you don't want to!
posted by Glinn at 8:54 PM on September 13, 2014 [4 favorites]
However, I think characterizing these things as "dismissing your experiences" is an overstatement, because you are defensive. Which is understandable! But it also makes you quicker to take offense. What they may be doing is sharing their own experiences, and what you may be doing is dismissing *their* experiences, because you don't share them.
I know this wasn't your question, but I was single from 32 to 40. Then, when I was 40 I did some okCupid and found a guy four states away. It was luck. But also a bit of uncharacteristic initiative. For me. And it happens like that for some people. And for other people, it doesn't. It happens in lots of ways. I suspect if these people are actually your friends, and you like them and they like you, they are just trying to be positive and encouraging. They probably aren't the smug, thoughtless people you are imagining, and might be horrified you would think so. Because they are your friends.
Still, if you feel they are being thoughtless and unhelpful, tell them they are being thoughtless and unhelpful. Tell them you will let them know when you want to talk about your relationship status, and until then you don't want to discuss it. You don't have to listen to it if you don't want to!
posted by Glinn at 8:54 PM on September 13, 2014 [4 favorites]
Best answer: The notion that we do not live in a just world -- a world in which virtue is rewarded and evil punished -- is pretty terrifying to a lot of us. (I'm oversimplifying here, because capturing a suitable spouse is not exactly a matter of justice, but whatever.) The just-world hypothesis is very, very, very important to some people, especially for those who got dealt more than their share of good cards and want to believe it was their wisdom and virtue, etc., that caused that surplus. If you're asking about psychological mechanisms, the just-world hypothesis has a lot of explanatory power. Sometimes good people just have long streaks of bad luck -- this is a fact that most of us don't like to think about.
posted by Mr. Justice at 9:04 PM on September 13, 2014 [14 favorites]
posted by Mr. Justice at 9:04 PM on September 13, 2014 [14 favorites]
When people say that "x will happen when you stop trying to MAKE x happen", I take them to mean that by not concentrating all my actions, thoughts and powers on x and just going about my business,--I might make room for serendipity. Doing stuff, going places because I want to, not because that's where the boys are.
And by building up my life for my own benefit--maybe I got more relaxed or more secure in my own company, and by so doing--maybe my vibe changed. Maybe I was easier to approach. Maybe I got out of my own way.
I've been married for a long time, and I don't try to fix or fix up my friends, but many married people do.
posted by Ideefixe at 9:13 PM on September 13, 2014 [2 favorites]
And by building up my life for my own benefit--maybe I got more relaxed or more secure in my own company, and by so doing--maybe my vibe changed. Maybe I was easier to approach. Maybe I got out of my own way.
I've been married for a long time, and I don't try to fix or fix up my friends, but many married people do.
posted by Ideefixe at 9:13 PM on September 13, 2014 [2 favorites]
Best answer: I think it also maybe relates to a stereotype of a desperate-acting single who is participating in unpleasant events for the purpose of finding someone. (I am myself unwillingly single). Some people suggest to me that once I give up on finding a partner, I will suddenly become carefree and more attractive, and less obviously needy. Gee thanks. And also, that my hobbies will be things that I like, not that I expect to find men at, and therefore, I will be happier, and more interesting.
I don't buy it. I'm already super. I'm just so awesome though, that the pool of appropriate partners are is very tiny. (Not from awesomeness, exactly, but a weird combination of factors, that make me appeal to a very niche market - however these weird combination of factors also make me awesome).
Next question from me is how do I reconcile myself to a life of singleness?
posted by b33j at 10:25 PM on September 13, 2014 [5 favorites]
I don't buy it. I'm already super. I'm just so awesome though, that the pool of appropriate partners are is very tiny. (Not from awesomeness, exactly, but a weird combination of factors, that make me appeal to a very niche market - however these weird combination of factors also make me awesome).
Next question from me is how do I reconcile myself to a life of singleness?
posted by b33j at 10:25 PM on September 13, 2014 [5 favorites]
Best answer: I think people can't take or tolerate the idea that there is literally nothing you can do to make love come for you if nobody wants you. And nobody (except me, but nobody asks) will tell you, "Yup, there's nothing you can do about it, you may very well die alone" if they find out you're single. It's probably considered to be rude and mean. They'll say any damn thing that comes to mind to try to give you hope or give you the idea that single is fixable if you just do XYZ. Doing XYZ actually worked for SOME people, after all... blah blah blah.
Do these people honestly not know people who just never met anyone, never became coupled, and grew old and died without ever finding a long-term partner? Or have they somehow psychologically filtered out the existence of their unmarried uncle, or high school teacher, or neighbor, etc., so that they now have a view of the world that does not even *see* people who are single forever?
I think they filtered it out, yes. Or they live in the South or somewhere where nobody's single by age 23 or they grew up in the 50's or some situation that doesn't really match our reality now. And some folks just plain don't want to see your reality, especially if they don't have to because they've been married for 40 years.
Signed, She Who Gave Up Ten Years Ago And Look. My Sea Is Still Empty.
posted by jenfullmoon at 10:37 PM on September 13, 2014 [3 favorites]
Do these people honestly not know people who just never met anyone, never became coupled, and grew old and died without ever finding a long-term partner? Or have they somehow psychologically filtered out the existence of their unmarried uncle, or high school teacher, or neighbor, etc., so that they now have a view of the world that does not even *see* people who are single forever?
I think they filtered it out, yes. Or they live in the South or somewhere where nobody's single by age 23 or they grew up in the 50's or some situation that doesn't really match our reality now. And some folks just plain don't want to see your reality, especially if they don't have to because they've been married for 40 years.
Signed, She Who Gave Up Ten Years Ago And Look. My Sea Is Still Empty.
posted by jenfullmoon at 10:37 PM on September 13, 2014 [3 favorites]
Best answer: I think it's two things:
1) People tend to assume that everyone else's experiences are just like their own. So, if somebody met a partner when they least expected it, they tend to think that the same will happen to you (even though in reality there is absolutely no reason to think that your life will follow the same trajectory as theirs).
2) I do think there are many people who don't know anyone who's been single forever, or they mentally filter them out, as you suggested. Many people seem to think that *everyone* meets a partner eventually.
As an aside, the "it will happen when you stop looking for it" advice is unbelievably stupid. Would anyone ever give that advice to someone looking for a job? Ugh.
posted by sunflower16 at 10:37 PM on September 13, 2014
1) People tend to assume that everyone else's experiences are just like their own. So, if somebody met a partner when they least expected it, they tend to think that the same will happen to you (even though in reality there is absolutely no reason to think that your life will follow the same trajectory as theirs).
2) I do think there are many people who don't know anyone who's been single forever, or they mentally filter them out, as you suggested. Many people seem to think that *everyone* meets a partner eventually.
As an aside, the "it will happen when you stop looking for it" advice is unbelievably stupid. Would anyone ever give that advice to someone looking for a job? Ugh.
posted by sunflower16 at 10:37 PM on September 13, 2014
It's like how if you're unemployed everyone you meet seems to want to tell you how easily you could get a job.
One thing is that people think they're helping by boosting your morale.
The other is that they don't want to be rude. It would be rude if they said "well, no man's ever going to want to date you again"; so rude they want to make it clear that's not what they think. So they go out of their way to assert the opposite (and end up being rude by implication anyway).
posted by Segundus at 10:54 PM on September 13, 2014
One thing is that people think they're helping by boosting your morale.
The other is that they don't want to be rude. It would be rude if they said "well, no man's ever going to want to date you again"; so rude they want to make it clear that's not what they think. So they go out of their way to assert the opposite (and end up being rude by implication anyway).
posted by Segundus at 10:54 PM on September 13, 2014
As an aside, the "it will happen when you stop looking for it" advice is unbelievably stupid. Would anyone ever give that advice to someone looking for a job? Ugh.
Modelling yourself on the hypothetical requirements of a hypothetical future partner is a less optimal way to finding an actual partner than just optimising your own happiness, because most people worth being with want someone who has their shit together; and it's a win/win, too, since even if you never find someone then at least you haven't been wasting your time.
So no it's not stupid advice.
posted by Sebmojo at 12:27 AM on September 14, 2014 [3 favorites]
Modelling yourself on the hypothetical requirements of a hypothetical future partner is a less optimal way to finding an actual partner than just optimising your own happiness, because most people worth being with want someone who has their shit together; and it's a win/win, too, since even if you never find someone then at least you haven't been wasting your time.
So no it's not stupid advice.
posted by Sebmojo at 12:27 AM on September 14, 2014 [3 favorites]
Best answer: I don't mean for this to sound patronizing, but as a male I think this sort of relationship pep-talk is an example of the very "gendered" advice given to / shared by women.
The way these messages are delivered is designed to sound compassionate and insightful but at the heart of it is also sexist, presumptive and more than a little "de haut en bas" that it skips over the awkwardness of the situation, without engaging in it.
posted by Middlemarch at 1:05 AM on September 14, 2014 [5 favorites]
The way these messages are delivered is designed to sound compassionate and insightful but at the heart of it is also sexist, presumptive and more than a little "de haut en bas" that it skips over the awkwardness of the situation, without engaging in it.
posted by Middlemarch at 1:05 AM on September 14, 2014 [5 favorites]
I say ignore them - because you probably need to change nothing. If you are happily single, then just tune them out. The problem is theirs, not yours. If they persist and keep bringing you down, talk to them about it. If they are doing it because they really care about you, they will desist.
IMAO if you want to find a partner then the only requirement is that you are honestly open to forming a relationship with someone. It took me over half a century to find my partner, and in the end I can't put it down to anything except luck.
posted by Autumn Leaf at 1:39 AM on September 14, 2014
IMAO if you want to find a partner then the only requirement is that you are honestly open to forming a relationship with someone. It took me over half a century to find my partner, and in the end I can't put it down to anything except luck.
posted by Autumn Leaf at 1:39 AM on September 14, 2014
If it's any comfort, I don't think people are setting out to dismiss your experiences. I think what's going on is that they're looking at someone single, thinking about how horrible they would find it and then reminding themselves of what futile actions they would engage in to do something about the situation. The end result is that you've been condescended to, but I doubt that people are generally empathetic enough to actually understand what you're going through and also hard hearted enough to be cruel. People are looking around, seeing something that would panic them, and making it all about them and how they feel. You're nearest, and also have the bonus of suffering, so they try to use this panic to "help" you.
Which is of little comfort, I know. But that's people for you.
posted by Solomon at 2:13 AM on September 14, 2014 [2 favorites]
Which is of little comfort, I know. But that's people for you.
posted by Solomon at 2:13 AM on September 14, 2014 [2 favorites]
Best answer: I wrote about this two years ago, linked here.
posted by dancestoblue at 4:44 AM on September 14, 2014 [1 favorite]
posted by dancestoblue at 4:44 AM on September 14, 2014 [1 favorite]
Best answer: But what I'm trying to get at is, there are coupled friends of mine who try to be positive and helpful by saying things like, "If I knew anyone, I would introduce you, but I don't know anyone." Which is helpful and positive and not in any way insulting to me, but is also not some handwavey magical thinking bullshit that completely ignores my stated experience of putting their advice into practice (and also ignores the very real existence of other people they know who have been single for decades).
First, you've identified a pattern that is true for a bunch of things, not just about being single. I've been putting out feelers for a new job for a while, and people say the same kind of pseudo-helpful stuff: "If I hear of an opening, I'll give you a call." I think there is a compulsion many people have to be "helpful" even if a) they have nothing to offer, b) their advice isn't actually helpful, and c) they are failing the necessary empathy that Jessamyn describes. See also: pregnancy, illnesses, weightloss, and financial advice.
Second, sometimes people are trying (and often failing due to poor analytical abilities) to describe what worked for them. They remember the process as the result of actions A, B, and C, even if it was actually an entirely different course of events. People remember the good more than the bad, so they talk up the good relationships and discount the times they dated someone so awful that staying single would have been way smarter. And of course people want a personal narrative that is headed towards a happy ending. No one says, "I'm in year three of a great relationship, but in year seven we will have an ugly divorce that bankrupts both of us and gets one of us a permanent restraining order."
And lastly, most often the advice is just insensitive cliches, but once in a while (and I am in no way suggesting this is true in your situation) there can be a layer of hidden observation in the advice. "I found love when I stopped trying" can function as a gentle way to suggest that a person is trying way, way too hard, or doing things that are actively driving away potential partners. Only a really close friend or a very insensitive person is going to say those things directly, but they can be expressed more tangentially. From what your describe this isn't your situation, but I've done this myself before. It's a terrible way to give feedback because I don't think it ever works, but people will still do it sometimes.
posted by Dip Flash at 5:46 AM on September 14, 2014 [1 favorite]
First, you've identified a pattern that is true for a bunch of things, not just about being single. I've been putting out feelers for a new job for a while, and people say the same kind of pseudo-helpful stuff: "If I hear of an opening, I'll give you a call." I think there is a compulsion many people have to be "helpful" even if a) they have nothing to offer, b) their advice isn't actually helpful, and c) they are failing the necessary empathy that Jessamyn describes. See also: pregnancy, illnesses, weightloss, and financial advice.
Second, sometimes people are trying (and often failing due to poor analytical abilities) to describe what worked for them. They remember the process as the result of actions A, B, and C, even if it was actually an entirely different course of events. People remember the good more than the bad, so they talk up the good relationships and discount the times they dated someone so awful that staying single would have been way smarter. And of course people want a personal narrative that is headed towards a happy ending. No one says, "I'm in year three of a great relationship, but in year seven we will have an ugly divorce that bankrupts both of us and gets one of us a permanent restraining order."
And lastly, most often the advice is just insensitive cliches, but once in a while (and I am in no way suggesting this is true in your situation) there can be a layer of hidden observation in the advice. "I found love when I stopped trying" can function as a gentle way to suggest that a person is trying way, way too hard, or doing things that are actively driving away potential partners. Only a really close friend or a very insensitive person is going to say those things directly, but they can be expressed more tangentially. From what your describe this isn't your situation, but I've done this myself before. It's a terrible way to give feedback because I don't think it ever works, but people will still do it sometimes.
posted by Dip Flash at 5:46 AM on September 14, 2014 [1 favorite]
Best answer: Also tbh I have found that someone being single and not weeping dramatically in a vapors-swooning Victorian decline on a fainting couch seems to make a lot of people really uncomfortable, angry, and/or threatened somehow. I can't explain that either but I can and do find it amusing.
This is my experience, too. People find it incredibly threatening when you don't choose to live as they do and will work hard to shove you into their mold. I had to be very blunt with some of my friends to make them stop, but with random acquaintances I just ignored it. The good news is that once you get too old for child-bearing (if a woman) it mostly ceases. Then you get pitying looks but no one addresses it any more.
posted by winna at 6:19 AM on September 14, 2014 [4 favorites]
This is my experience, too. People find it incredibly threatening when you don't choose to live as they do and will work hard to shove you into their mold. I had to be very blunt with some of my friends to make them stop, but with random acquaintances I just ignored it. The good news is that once you get too old for child-bearing (if a woman) it mostly ceases. Then you get pitying looks but no one addresses it any more.
posted by winna at 6:19 AM on September 14, 2014 [4 favorites]
Best answer: Sounds like another variation of the old just-world hypothesis. Some people work under the assumption that life is always fair and so if things aren't working out for you somehow, you must be doing something wrong or bad to bring it on. But there is a reason it's considered a fallacy because obviously sometimes life just doesn't go your way despite your best efforts.
I think for some people there is an element of fear or anxiety. But I think most people tend to assume "single = unhappy and lonely" so in their mind they're trying to improve your life.
I would either ignore them or just flat out tell them to stop giving out unwanted advice (politely as possible of course).
posted by Kimmalah at 6:38 AM on September 14, 2014 [1 favorite]
I think for some people there is an element of fear or anxiety. But I think most people tend to assume "single = unhappy and lonely" so in their mind they're trying to improve your life.
I would either ignore them or just flat out tell them to stop giving out unwanted advice (politely as possible of course).
posted by Kimmalah at 6:38 AM on September 14, 2014 [1 favorite]
Do you constantly moan about being single? Because frankly I'm all out of ideas. You either meet someone or you don't. If you go to your coupled friends and complain all the time, they may just be trying to change the subject.
How does this even come up in conversation? So you're out at lunch with your friends and you're talking about Iraq, or the election or climate change, and suddenly out of the blue, they come out with, "If you'd just stop looking, you'd find someone?"
Try steering the conversation to topics that are interesting to you both. Your singlehood, unless you're going to Tibet for a month, just isn't all that interesting.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 6:43 AM on September 14, 2014 [3 favorites]
How does this even come up in conversation? So you're out at lunch with your friends and you're talking about Iraq, or the election or climate change, and suddenly out of the blue, they come out with, "If you'd just stop looking, you'd find someone?"
Try steering the conversation to topics that are interesting to you both. Your singlehood, unless you're going to Tibet for a month, just isn't all that interesting.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 6:43 AM on September 14, 2014 [3 favorites]
Response by poster: Since multiple people have assumed that I must be constantly bemoaning my terribly sad single status and how awful it is, and woe is me, I would like to point out that, no, I am not doing that. Because, as pointed out in my original question, I've stopped actively trying to meet someone, and I'm okay with that. But people talk about their relationship status all the time. My married or coupled friends mention their spouse/ partner/ children in almost every conversation. It just comes up. For example, I could be talking to a coworker about how we are both looking for new jobs, and they will say, "Well, I can't move for a new job because my husband has a job here and my kids are in school. But you can relocate because you're single!" Then they ask me if I'm dating anyone. I tell them that I am not. They offer me unsolicited advice on how not to be single.
It comes up all the time. I mean, when I bought the condo I currently live in, the first thing my real estate broker asked me was, "Why do you want to buy a one-bedroom condo? What if you get married? Won't you need a bigger place then?" Which, yes, was obviously his attempt to upsell me so he could make more money, but it forced me into this defensive argument of, no, I am single, I do not think I will get married, yes I am pretty sure about that, can you just find me a one-bedroom condo, please? I do think, as some other single people have pointed out upthread, that it's not uncommon for people to randomly raise this issue when talking to single people.
(and what is with the assumption that single people can go to Tibet for a month? It's like the married people I know think that my life is dancing on tabletops and jetting off to Paris on a whim. In reality, single people have jobs and family obligations, too. And most single people I know have way less money to go on fancy vacations than my married friends with 2 incomes.)
posted by rhymeswithcheery at 7:57 AM on September 14, 2014 [8 favorites]
It comes up all the time. I mean, when I bought the condo I currently live in, the first thing my real estate broker asked me was, "Why do you want to buy a one-bedroom condo? What if you get married? Won't you need a bigger place then?" Which, yes, was obviously his attempt to upsell me so he could make more money, but it forced me into this defensive argument of, no, I am single, I do not think I will get married, yes I am pretty sure about that, can you just find me a one-bedroom condo, please? I do think, as some other single people have pointed out upthread, that it's not uncommon for people to randomly raise this issue when talking to single people.
(and what is with the assumption that single people can go to Tibet for a month? It's like the married people I know think that my life is dancing on tabletops and jetting off to Paris on a whim. In reality, single people have jobs and family obligations, too. And most single people I know have way less money to go on fancy vacations than my married friends with 2 incomes.)
posted by rhymeswithcheery at 7:57 AM on September 14, 2014 [8 favorites]
You come off as rather defensive, here and above.
In the example of the real estate agent, you simply say, "I want a one-bedroom. If that's a problem for you, I can work with another agent." You don't have to get into a whole song and dance about it.
As for someone who says, "Foo and Bah because you're single," it's easy to smile and say, "Don't I wish it were that easy?" Or better yet, "Yes! Isn't it marvelous! It must be such a drag to always have to consider someone else on matters such as those."
People asking if you're dating anyone sounds like small talk to me, people you know well will know if you're dating anyone and people who don't know you well are being rude. Simply say, "I'm not, but you'll be the FIRST to know should I meet anyone." Then change the subject. If they press the point, just ask them, "Gosh, why the intense interest in my romances? Things dull in yours?"
As a married person, I suppose I could just as easily go to Tibet for a month, it was just an example of how unless your singlehood is extraordinary in some way, it shouldn't come up in common conversation.
If you believe that being single is a good thing and right for you, then these things shouldn't bother you. People, in the nicest possible way, ask stupid questions all the time. If you view it as either nosiness or making polite conversation, it's easy enough to divert them off of a topic they don't really care about.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 8:18 AM on September 14, 2014 [6 favorites]
In the example of the real estate agent, you simply say, "I want a one-bedroom. If that's a problem for you, I can work with another agent." You don't have to get into a whole song and dance about it.
As for someone who says, "Foo and Bah because you're single," it's easy to smile and say, "Don't I wish it were that easy?" Or better yet, "Yes! Isn't it marvelous! It must be such a drag to always have to consider someone else on matters such as those."
People asking if you're dating anyone sounds like small talk to me, people you know well will know if you're dating anyone and people who don't know you well are being rude. Simply say, "I'm not, but you'll be the FIRST to know should I meet anyone." Then change the subject. If they press the point, just ask them, "Gosh, why the intense interest in my romances? Things dull in yours?"
As a married person, I suppose I could just as easily go to Tibet for a month, it was just an example of how unless your singlehood is extraordinary in some way, it shouldn't come up in common conversation.
If you believe that being single is a good thing and right for you, then these things shouldn't bother you. People, in the nicest possible way, ask stupid questions all the time. If you view it as either nosiness or making polite conversation, it's easy enough to divert them off of a topic they don't really care about.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 8:18 AM on September 14, 2014 [6 favorites]
Best answer: Nthing everyone who said that they like to think they succeeded due to their own actions and not dumb luck. I'm sure there are also people who think they won a game of musical chairs because of their superior running skills.
Also nthing that many people find the reality of how truly random life is too terrifying to contemplate. (See also victim-blamers and conspiracy theorists.)
There's a book about this I think you'd like. (I know the author and have written about this book, but that's not why I'm recommending it. I'm just suggesting it because I'm 37 and single;-)
And I understand what you're saying about how you can't avoid mentioning being single even though you're not complaining. It just comes up all the time, as being married or having a child does, except unlike those situations singleness becomes a thing that people feel they have to deal with somehow when you tell them. That's true even if, like me, you're lucky enough to not be surrounded by people offering unsolicited advice all the time.
posted by DestinationUnknown at 8:24 AM on September 14, 2014 [1 favorite]
Also nthing that many people find the reality of how truly random life is too terrifying to contemplate. (See also victim-blamers and conspiracy theorists.)
There's a book about this I think you'd like. (I know the author and have written about this book, but that's not why I'm recommending it. I'm just suggesting it because I'm 37 and single;-)
And I understand what you're saying about how you can't avoid mentioning being single even though you're not complaining. It just comes up all the time, as being married or having a child does, except unlike those situations singleness becomes a thing that people feel they have to deal with somehow when you tell them. That's true even if, like me, you're lucky enough to not be surrounded by people offering unsolicited advice all the time.
posted by DestinationUnknown at 8:24 AM on September 14, 2014 [1 favorite]
I see that you are not like this, but I know people who are constantly, voracious "looking" but have "requirements" that are simply not going to be found among the remaining unmarried folks in our cohort. That kind of self-defeating behavior is what married folks are trying to address.
As far as the intrusive unsolicited questions and advice go, on behalf of all married folks, I apologize. (I don't do it, but I see it done.) It's the clumsy, lazy conversational equivalent of "So, what do you do?" and it's a bad habit. I think you're well within your rights to cheerfully decline to answer, with "Oh, talking about that stuff is always so boring, but did you see [local sports team] last night?"
posted by wnissen at 8:29 AM on September 14, 2014 [2 favorites]
As far as the intrusive unsolicited questions and advice go, on behalf of all married folks, I apologize. (I don't do it, but I see it done.) It's the clumsy, lazy conversational equivalent of "So, what do you do?" and it's a bad habit. I think you're well within your rights to cheerfully decline to answer, with "Oh, talking about that stuff is always so boring, but did you see [local sports team] last night?"
posted by wnissen at 8:29 AM on September 14, 2014 [2 favorites]
ethidda, for one has a pile of good advice.
When I was single, various relatives would give me grief about being a complete failure as a human being simply because I was not married. None of my friends ever said anything to me, ever, about how to meet someone. (Realtors, yes, and I think that's as much up selling as asking "why aren't you normal? ")
Maybe your friends are just talking to hear themselves talk, trying to be helpful in some vague way, or who knows what.
But you may want to take some time to think about the possibility that they are aware of something you do that is not helping men you meet want to date you.
Also, people may be worried about you raising a child alone and their concern is coming out in this weird way.
posted by Lesser Shrew at 10:10 AM on September 14, 2014
When I was single, various relatives would give me grief about being a complete failure as a human being simply because I was not married. None of my friends ever said anything to me, ever, about how to meet someone. (Realtors, yes, and I think that's as much up selling as asking "why aren't you normal? ")
Maybe your friends are just talking to hear themselves talk, trying to be helpful in some vague way, or who knows what.
But you may want to take some time to think about the possibility that they are aware of something you do that is not helping men you meet want to date you.
Also, people may be worried about you raising a child alone and their concern is coming out in this weird way.
posted by Lesser Shrew at 10:10 AM on September 14, 2014
If you believe that being single is a good thing and right for you, then these things shouldn't bother you.
If every person you met wouldn't drop it, it would bother you, too.
posted by winna at 11:05 AM on September 14, 2014 [6 favorites]
If every person you met wouldn't drop it, it would bother you, too.
posted by winna at 11:05 AM on September 14, 2014 [6 favorites]
I agree with Middlemarch that this is mostly gendered advice. When I was single, I would sometimes just act like a (male) bachelor, with all of the rights, privileges, and social approval of that. Did I score last night? High-five! It's ok that I eat cereal in my underwear for dinner because I'm a DUDE! I'm free and no woman is gonna tie me down.
That kind of thing is tedious, but it's better than the woe-is-me-I'll-be-alooooonnne-and-barren stuff that women are supposed to deal with.
posted by 3491again at 11:59 AM on September 14, 2014 [2 favorites]
That kind of thing is tedious, but it's better than the woe-is-me-I'll-be-alooooonnne-and-barren stuff that women are supposed to deal with.
posted by 3491again at 11:59 AM on September 14, 2014 [2 favorites]
I think it's something to do with coupledom being misperceived as 'the natural state' - and yeah, we seek attachment and are generally social animals blah blah but we are born alone and often die alone. Due to big social and economic changes my understanding is that these days in the Western world most people are single most of their life (if you factor in the young years, single years, divorce, being widowed, women living longer etc etc) but there is this pervasive fear of the different.
I don't like people poking around in it either... Just recently I had a neighbour say "I mean what do you do??? Do you go out... by yourself?" this I found almost amusing that she thought it was such an obscure and unimaginable concept, but sometimes it's more sensitive.. like being seated next to some horrendous single dude at a wedding or having the cameraman shout at me "ARE YOU SINGLE? ARE YOU SINGLE?".. Cos, it kind of is a personal question.
Yeah nthing it can be intrusive and annoying and kind of lame social chit chat.
posted by tanktop at 2:14 PM on September 14, 2014 [1 favorite]
I don't like people poking around in it either... Just recently I had a neighbour say "I mean what do you do??? Do you go out... by yourself?" this I found almost amusing that she thought it was such an obscure and unimaginable concept, but sometimes it's more sensitive.. like being seated next to some horrendous single dude at a wedding or having the cameraman shout at me "ARE YOU SINGLE? ARE YOU SINGLE?".. Cos, it kind of is a personal question.
Yeah nthing it can be intrusive and annoying and kind of lame social chit chat.
posted by tanktop at 2:14 PM on September 14, 2014 [1 favorite]
I agree with everyone above who says it's about 1) people thinking their experiences are normal and 2) some variation on the just-world fallacy. As an anecdote, I'd note that I get the constant stream of bad advice dressed up as happy talk from straight people a ton more than I get it from other queer folks.
posted by bile and syntax at 5:32 PM on September 14, 2014
posted by bile and syntax at 5:32 PM on September 14, 2014
As a happily married person who gives that advice, it's because I really really really want my single friends to become as happily married as I am. So I'm wracking my brain for advice to help them achieve that.
I don't mean to be annoying. Sorry.
posted by Jacqueline at 7:34 PM on September 14, 2014 [4 favorites]
I don't mean to be annoying. Sorry.
posted by Jacqueline at 7:34 PM on September 14, 2014 [4 favorites]
I think that it depends who it's coming from.
I think there's a thing that can be going on with people you're closer to. I think of it like a variation on geek fix-it syndrome: people need to come up with solutions for life "problems" and find contemplation of these sort of big, unknowable, uncontrollable aspects of life to be so distressing that they will say anything to avoid the reality. Like the way people in general have a hard time just being there for someone in emotional pain. It doesn't need to be discussed, it doesn't need to be magically relieved. But it does make a difference to have someone who can sit with you and your pain.
I don't mean that being single is automatically distressing and painful. Just that it seems to be one of those things that people can be quite clueless about, because the only thing they can do is accept it. Acceptance is surprisingly difficult!
Anyway, this won't help with "helpful" strangers, but with your friends or relatives, maybe the acceptance thing would be something useful to bring up with them, especially if you are actually quite happy being single, thanks very much!
posted by Athanassiel at 5:30 AM on September 15, 2014 [1 favorite]
I think there's a thing that can be going on with people you're closer to. I think of it like a variation on geek fix-it syndrome: people need to come up with solutions for life "problems" and find contemplation of these sort of big, unknowable, uncontrollable aspects of life to be so distressing that they will say anything to avoid the reality. Like the way people in general have a hard time just being there for someone in emotional pain. It doesn't need to be discussed, it doesn't need to be magically relieved. But it does make a difference to have someone who can sit with you and your pain.
I don't mean that being single is automatically distressing and painful. Just that it seems to be one of those things that people can be quite clueless about, because the only thing they can do is accept it. Acceptance is surprisingly difficult!
Anyway, this won't help with "helpful" strangers, but with your friends or relatives, maybe the acceptance thing would be something useful to bring up with them, especially if you are actually quite happy being single, thanks very much!
posted by Athanassiel at 5:30 AM on September 15, 2014 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by discopolo at 7:42 PM on September 13, 2014 [52 favorites]